You Were Never Taught How to Be a Man - Dry Creek Dewayne (4K)

how would you describe what you do if you meet someone for the first time wow um well what the school does is I bring people out for a week at a time and teach horsemanship um the basic fundamentals of working with horses and understanding horses but that is more of a springboard for life um I started out we started out out with a YouTube channel where I was just just wanting to give some basic horsemanship tips and some things for young people who are wanting to get into wrangling or cowboying or packing and uh and it took on a life of its own and uh and we started getting a lot of questions a lot of comments on the channel it's like hey if you'll start a school we'll come you know and so it it's just kind of grown from there so it's it's hard to say we teach horsemanship but then we also try to help young people have a more um grounded solid approach to life what career did you want to do when you were a kid I wanted a cowboy that was it you know every little boy in this country at a certain age they want to be a cowboy when they grow up the only difference with me was I never outgrew it that's all I ever wanted to do talk to me about your upbringing what was childhood like uh definitely not cowboy um I had a very solid family um and my dad my family is I'm the seventh generation of my family born in Central kentucky um my dad my granddad my great Granddad and my mom's side of the family too and my dad was a Baptist preacher and so we moved a lot for his work and but I didn't grow up my opportunities for you know farm work ranches and stuff like that was when I visited my grandparents back in Kentucky and I knew back then this is you know what I wanted to do it just it took a while for me to be able to actually do it um but I was raised in in a you know a very close-knit very solid very country patriarchal family you know just very old school Kentucky yeah what do the rest of your family think about having a rogue Wrangler in it I don't I don't know um the uh I was different I was a different man back when I was raising my children um and back as a young man I was wound really tight um what do you mean when you say that I had a bad temper and I was under a lot of stress for a lot of years and so I wasn't the calm laidback easygoing fella that you know people see today and so I think you my children are all grown and I think you know in a lot of ways they're still sitting back trying to trying to uh compare the old me with the new me that you know it's only been about five years that I found the the place where I could just get some self-control and learn how to chill and and uh get a handle on things you know so I think in a lot of ways my family are just they're just sitting back watching and trying to justify the one what they see now with what they knew for so many years what's the story of your initiation into this life um you into the cowboy life I was newly married and we had a baby it was just an infant and I was working uh we were in little town called Alpine Tennessee and there was a berkline Furniture Factory there that made recliners and I was working in the shipping and was not happy uh didn't like the job what age are you here oh I was 26 um and uh was reading western Horsemen and there was a ad in the back in the classified about an elk hunting lodge in Idaho that was offering you could come out and if you would work for the summer for free they would teach you packing and uh and I just I said you know what I'm going to do it I'm doing it I'm taking the jump I'm not spending the rest of my life working in a factory and sitting here and doing this I'm going to go chase the dream that I've had since I was a child and so my wife and our infant she flew to uh Hawaii to stay with her dad and sold everything everything we had which wasn't much and I got a saddle and and my gear and took a Greyhound bus to uh up into Idaho and then wasn't nobody there to pick me up that was supposed to pick me up so I hitchhiked from there into chalice Idaho and this was way before cell phone so I found a pay phone and I called the ranch and the manager of the ranch says I I I don't know who you are I never heard anything about you uh the owner is rafting the Colorado River to the Grand Canyon with his girlfriend and he never told me you were coming and but he came and picked me up and I stayed on there for the summer and I learn a bunch and then um I left there in hitchhike from chalice Idaho to Cody Wyoming and when I got to Cody I had like $9 and uh so I found a campground where they'd let me pitch my little oneman pup tent it's $6 night I remember it cuzz and I stated that one because they had a shower housee and I'm like I'm not going to become a scrubby homeless person you know so I stayed there and I just started calling every Ranch every dude ranch every outfit every day calling calling calling um I ran out of money and the lady who owned the the uh that Campground there she told me she said my dad needs somebody to haul hay so I went and helped him and he paid me $15 for hauling hay like this came back another night stay another supper next day she said if you'll police the campground for cigarette butts I'll give you a bowl of soup and a sandwich and another ni stay so I did and then the next day one of the outfits called called me back it came in sat down and interviewed and I threw my bed roll and everything into the back of their truck and went out and went to work you're doing all of this with a infant no no my they're in you're still a part of this system now so you're away from your wife you're away from your first child for several months yeah I don't recommend it was that difficult in a way it was in another way it wasn't as difficult as it should have been um well you've got this tension right you've got this tension between slowly moving toward a dream that you've had for a long time this career aspiration this fulfillment of a life purpose and then also the desire to be a good good father a good husband but you also are you're making these sacrifices in order to create the future it's a complex situation my wife and we're still married today it's 34 years in March congratulations thank you um but I'm six years older than she is and we're totally different and uh I had been on my own for a long time when we got married and uh as happens in marriage you know we'd hit that two-year Mark and the luster was gone we weren't getting along very well you know so she wasn't I don't think she was heartbroken at the separation for a while you know any more than I was and uh so after I got settled I had worked for the summer there and then I wound up with another outfit and after I got settled she I flew her and the baby out and we'd had enough time apart for all the turmoil and the bubbling to settle down and then we could start working on it again um so it was in in one sense it was difficult in another sense it was a bit of a relief you know that it shouldn't have been it doesn't speak well to where I was in my character at the time but yeah maybe that six Monon break has enabled a 35 year marriage right you you need the my wife has come I'm I've traveled all over the world and I've always been a very restless fell and there's been times where my wife has come to me and sat down and said honey I love you but you got to go go hunting go visit a buddy go do something but you can't sit around and drive me crazy all day so you know she knows and she's she's been very supportive over the years what was the mindset shift I'm interested to learn about old Dwayne and new Dwayne and where that calming trajectory why that happened what instigated it um well I'll just say I came I came to a place in life where I just didn't like me anymore I looked in the mirror and I'm like I will not spend the next 50 years with this guy like I have the last 50 I don't like me nobody around likes me um I can't um we'll just it just Catalyst just came about and I'm like I can't I can't do this anymore um I was I had had a small heart attack and I knew it was a heart attack and I was at the point I'm not kidding I lay there in bed and I felt it come on and I'm like I think I'm having a heart attack good I don't have to fight this anymore I'm not going to wake my wife up I went to sleep you were in bed next to your wife having a heart attack yeah and I went to sleep I woke up next morning I'm like dang it I'm still I'm still here and so and and I didn't tell her and I went to the doctor I had further heart problems and other problems and I I finally went to the doctor and they did EKG and they're like yeah you you had a heart situation back on this and I'm and it was just kind of like I can't I can't continue to live like this you know and my kids didn't like me I wasn't abusive you know I was never but I just I wasn't a very nice person and I was just very on edge very angry very and I finally so I had to make some decisions um what what's making me like this I need to get it out of my life and there were people including family that I'm like nope y'all are gone I stopped watching the news I'm like nope y'all are gone you know started changing my diet started spending a lot of time out on the front ports just smoking cigars letting the world go by and slowly over time you know got a handle on stuff and uh went back to reading you know when I was a kid I read heavily you know and uh got back went back to reading poetry and Marcus aurelus and stuff and just kind of got some of my perspective back I think that's a hopeful message for young men that find themselves being angry and not in a place where they want to be a angry there's no there's no benefit to it you know it does doesn't fix anything um even when you're in a fight and I was in law enforcement for a while even when you're in a fight if you get angry in the fight yeah maybe your adrenaline comes up but you lose your head you know you lose your strategy um and you know anger it just it just turned out I'm like this is not profitable and this is eating me up inside and I'm making stupid decisions and this this this has just got to end you told me as we were talking outside about how horses can detect your emotional state your heart rate and if you enter into an environment with them right they'll match you if you enter in all sympathetically aroused presumably angry and frustrated they're going to be able to tell right how did you manage to get through so many years of working with horses still being this angry guy how how important was learning about yourself through working with the question is how how did I not get killed how did horses not kill me um it was always a fight I mean I loved horses but there was always it wasn't ever what I wanted it to be and I never really realized um for the longest time and then there's there's I'm just going to go there's a Horseman out out there he doesn't know me okay and so I'm not um his name's Buck Brandman and he's been my my biggest influence in the horse World okay um and so a lot of stuff I say is when it comes to Horse World you man Dwayne that sounds really smart it's not mine I'm not taking credit for it okay um but I leared from him that your horse is just a mirror of you they're just a reflection of you and so any problem that you're having with your horse is just a reflection of a problem that you have in inside and when I started getting that and I started understanding that and I started taking that to heart um being learning to calm myself for the horse you know uh so I could accomplish something with the horse which I should have had enough sense when I was young to do that for my wife or for my kids you know but um sometimes you need a horse to teach you what a human cun you know Mark Twain said that youth is wasted on the young so um but when I started and it started working you know there's times I've gone out to work a horse and I was like man I just I'm not in a good place today and I've sat down in a chair outside the pen looking at the horse lit up a cigar smoked a cigar looking at the horse cigar's done light up another cigar maybe it was a pipe you know but another one sat there and then go home just wasn't ready that day just I wasn't and it's like did I accomplish anything today no but I didn't wreck anything today and that's a sometimes that's a victory sometimes the biggest Victory is you know I didn't make a mess today it was a good day and I finally had to start figuring that out I've been thinking a lot recently about mundane successes these sort of small personal victories that you do in private there's no Fanfare there's no audience no one's even going to applaud you no one's going to give you a pat on the back like how boring of a success to say I didn't mess up another horse's day today like there is few lower um magnificent successes that you could do and yet I think we need language around how that is something that's important that is a victory that you should be able to say at the end of the day when you look yourself in the mirror hey you were gentle with that person when you were frustrated right this person came up to you and you were all agitated and you chose to put civility first like that's something and no one's going to give you a pat on the back for being modestly polite and civilized right I just I really it's cool that you say that I really think that more language around being gentle with yourself and appreciating when you have these small unmagnified well if if you look at it you know like in math you know you study your negative numbers and your positive numbers in math okay so you've got a chart let's start to my left you've got -5 -4g -3 -2 negative 1 zero 1 2 3 4 5 and in life you're at neg five you know and people tend to think and sometimes we tend to think until I'm at two I didn't accomplish anything but you know getting from a neg5 to A4 that's a victory and uh and then so or avoiding going from a ne4 to a neg five yes just staying at a neg five we didn't go to -6 that's a victory you know um you you know when I was young come home from work how was how was your day today honey I didn't I didn't get in a fight so it was a good day you know and but that is a victory um it's a you you know I I study and and I well you name your podcast you know wisdom wisdom is not in my studies I'm starting to see this wisdom is predominant predominantly not something that you do if you study the Book of Proverbs in the Bible okay if you study meditations by Marcus aurelus and you study these wisdom writings there's much more of the wisdom writings that are telling you things not to do then are telling you need to do this to be wise but more of it is if you're wise you won't do this and so like what we're talking here a lot of a lot of Victories is just I didn't do that today there's an idea from mathematics called Never multiply by zero so we can have 2 million multiplied by 47 multiplied by 2.1 multiplied by 20,000 multiplied by zero is zero is zero so if you spend all of your time working on your health and avoiding seed oils and eating only grass-fed organic meat but one day decide to drive your car without a seat Bel on that's multiplying by zero if you get into a wreck right and so much of life I think is avoiding pitfalls not Expediting successes because the pitfalls can kick you out of the game permanently or they can do things that are they're so catastrophic they take much longer to come back from uh and this is in some ways a an excuse for being averse to risk but I think it's just being clever about risk and knowing where you can take risks that have limited downside not unlimited downside right well you know we work a lot with horses of course and and we've gotten some horses in this year they they weren't ours like my son had bought a horse last year and the horse was if you knew what you were doing you could ride the horse but the horse was not a broke horse he didn't have him for very long and then he deployed overseas he's in the military so we brought him to our place and so you know there's all these things and the two young men that were working with me it's like okay don't move fast don't jump you know don't let's do this let's be calm you know because they're a prey animal so there's all this stuff that we work with you know and and so uh the young man that wrote he went out and rote him and uh and it he didn't do anything like but it was just he reached in the saddle bag and pulled out one of these water bottles and it crinkled and uh and that horse he just jumped out of his skin I mean it didn't turn into a wreck but it was just like you spend all of this time moving easy around the horse working with them real easy and slow you know so the saddle sensing them up nice and slow s by threes and moving all nice and easy and then just one thing crinkling a water bottle and it's you just multiplied by 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the description below head to drink a1.com slod wisdom that's drink a1.com modern wisdom what have you learned about humans from working with horses humans don't know how to communicate communication is our biggest weakness um that's not like the number but that's something that lately this is this has been just really hammered home to me working with horses and working with humans um and communication is a much more complex issue than than I think many of us give it credit for um so you take you take a horse and a human a relationship with a horse and human all right for that to work there has to be communication well we have a couple of problems here first off the horse doesn't speak English and we don't speak horse all right but as humans we insist that the horse comes into our world but we're too arrogant or too lazy or a combination of both to learn to speak horse and horse's language is not verbal it's all movement it's all body language it's all this and so that is a problem but another problem is is us and the horse we are um we're Predator animals all right we are the human is we're Predators all right we're designed to eat meat our eyes are side by side on the front of our face we see one picture and we're designed to see what we want and go get it the horse is a prey animal they are the animal that everything that eats meat wants to eat and so they have a complete different Instinct their instinct is everything wants to eat me you know we we w we wake up of morning and we say you know I I want to be a trophy husband you know that's my that's my goal I read okay I what do I want to go get today the horse wakes up and says I don't want to get eaten today two totally different Instinct all right so to be able to build a communication with a horse we have to move into the world and learn to speak but learn to think how they think well I mean we can say men and women are the same thing you know the women are different from men they have a different way of thinking and like I said my wife I've been married almost 34 years and even today there's things I say and she absolutely what she heard is not what I said you know and so I have to I have to and vice versa you know so communication and you cannot have 34 years of relationship with one person if there's no communication it's interesting the fact that when you're around a horse you have this almost like an external barometer or thermometer for you and what's going on right so I mentioned to you that I'd spent a little bit of time with horses recently so I rode my first horse out here in Texas and that was fun and then I went and did Equine Therapy uh so that was caring for a horse and um treating its Hooves and doing all the rest of this stuff and uh had honestly in retrospect one of the most embarrassing inner situations with this horse so first off these things are big that you don't realize unless you're around horses just how big they and they're kind of scary because there's a lot of them and they're just muscle you know onstage bodybuilder prep level machine right so anyway we're getting used to one of these horses and we're brushing her and she's super chill really really relaxed and then they said okay so we're going to give you this tool and this tool is what you can use to clean out the hoops right and this horse will know what's happening when you bring the tool up uh but you need to make it feel sufficiently comfortable so that it will raise its foot up for you need to be careful about where it puts its foot back down yeah because it I had Crocs on which was not a good idea anyway so you sort of put your hand firmly upper hind leg slide it down little Pinch at the ankle little pull do this so so you need to feel relaxed as you walk up to the horse you need to imagine that the horse is going to do this you need to make it comfortable for it it needs to be comfortable with you so on and so forth and I remember walking up to the horse and thinking if this horse doesn't like me that's a comment on me I really want this horse to like me and my selfworth had immediately become outsourced to whether or not this horse I met 10 minutes ago was going to lift its hoof up for 5 seconds so that I could move a little bit of dirt out of it right and honestly that one incident i' I'd been calling it horse meditation because I thought like it's cute or whatever but really how much can I learn about myself from being around a horse that one incident I I must think about it every week every couple of weeks this need to be wanted this need to be accepted this Outsourcing of my own self-esteem to something else and this sort of derogation of how I felt about myself right based on whether or not a horse lifted its foot up or didn't and thankfully it did but I I just really made me think about where do we put our sense of selfworth and and the fact that you have this creature who is as you say kind of just reflecting you right back at you right there's nowhere to hide anymore from the way that you're behaving especially if you can clamp down the anger or the aggression or the sadness or the whatever but inside it's still burbling and vibrating well I suspect I mean you and I we only met today all right but you st me is the kind of person that you don't very often approach another man like that like my selfworth is predicated on whether this guy respects me or not okay especially another Alpha okay that horse is not an alpha okay that horse is definitely not an alpha if you wanted to you could put that horse on the barbecue for supper that night and there's nothing he could do about it okay so it speaks to me the fact that you predicated your view of your selfworth on whether another creature whose well-being was in your hands liked you or accepted you or not does that make sense I'm it really it really does and uh I've been thinking and talking about this a lot recently there is a category of people of which I one uh who see other people's emotional states as our responsibility right if you're not happy I'm not happy and if you're not happy I have to fix it right and that's Noble in some ways but it's only Noble if it's a choice if you're choosing to do it to help if it's a compulsion if you're forced to do it through some sense of obligation or whatever it's not even though the outcome may be good it's not quite as virtuous as it may seem well it becomes unver virtuous when your help of others is about you um I do this because it makes me feel better I do this because it gives me purpose in life I do this because you're going to like me more you're going to respect me more that's where it becomes a problem um but it's not a problem if it's just you know empathy and uh so yeah I don't know where I was going with that there you go is there a a particular horse that you have learned a lot from in your life is there a few uh Keystone horses that you had relationships with that taught you an awful lot um there are there there's there's several um wait so I was riding for an outfit in Alaska Guiden and they brought in a a mayor and uh she was a retired the best I could understand she was a retired barrel racing horse from here in Texas and so when I signed on they assigned her to me because nobody else we couldn't put guest on her none of the other Wranglers wanted to ride her because her her goto was run if something Disturbed her her head came up and it's run just run that that's my answer to escape to just run and it wasn't something that I could physically fight and stop um and so that horse really made me step outside of the thought process of physically controlling something that has a mental emotional issue and getting in her head and figuring out what can I do if the problem is mentally or emotionally what can I do to get in to her head and get into her emotions and fix that for her and so what I did and it's so simple it you know probably wouldn't even make sense to a lot of folks but while we were sitting there and while she was calm sitting there at the ranch waiting for others get on their horses I would just come in with the lightest little pressure and get her to tip her nose not pull her nose in just give a signal hey tip your nose so she'd tip her nose and we just do that and just do that and then when we get out on the trail and she start started getting anxious about something and her head would come up I would just default to that and so she would find something that she would secure the signal and it would she would calm down and she would Cal down and working with that may for the summer um I'm I made huge strides with myself in stepping outside of the norm of trying to physically control something that isn't a deal yeah I mentioned that I had uh ridden a horse for the first time in Texas and they gave me whatever the leader of the group is for the horse whatever that's called um and I was right far at the back yeah and this horse was eating and the lady that was guiding the group said just give him a little poll and he'll come along I give him a little poll he didn't move I mean it is absurd to explain how strong these things nexts are yeah and I'm like I don't think he doesn't want doesn't want to come she's like no no no just like a little bit more a little bit more I'm like I'm a pretty strong guy so I was like right okay I'll give it a big pole didn't move I'm like and by this time they're 100 yards away yeah I'm like he's still he doesn't want to doesn't seem like he want she said no like a really big pull so I went mixed grip like you do on a deadlift yeah set my feet into the stups and like like one rep maxed this horse's head up and finally he got up and uh that was absolutely not the most efficient way to get him to do that thing there would have been a much better way than me right well so your average horse your average quarter horse size horse you know is going to weigh between 800 and 1100 lb okay now what I teach folks is I don't want his body okay I want his mind now if I physically like you just went through if I physically get his body to do what I want but I don't have his mind soon as he gets a chance he's going to go back again but if I ignore the body and I get the mind if I have the mind I have the body so in a situation like that what I do is I I don't pull his head up okay I take the rins and I bounce that bit that's in its mouth I'm I bounce it pretty sharp and he decides in his mind I don't like that I think I will I think I will pick my head up and it's like I'm not going to pick your head up that's what you have a neck for okay you have that neck that's what it's for I'm not picking your head up I'm going to suggest to you that you decide it's in your best interest for you to pick your head up and we go for the mind and H how much in life you know you you've got all these folks working for you here and you have to you can't physically brow beat and nag and you've Tri does it work no no no the belligerent I've already heard stories it's just yeah yeah they're abused yeah but you want to make things so that they decide that if this is this is what Chris wants done it's it's in my best interest I want to go do that yeah and again it's communication you know and again it's getting in the horse's mind and working with a horse in that manner um I I'll give you an illustration if I can all right one of the cardinal sins in my book is when I go to get on a horse and the horse walks off when I'm partway up you know I'm stepping up I'm swinging my leg over and he's he's walking he's leaving okay that's a cardinal sin so we have a difference of opinion here me and the horse it's like I want you to plant your feet and I want you to be still while I get on and then I'll tell you when I want you to go he says well I want to go so I'm not going to sit there and take pull back and say whoo do that one-legged hop along casty down while I'm trying to get in the out I'm not going to do that I'm not going to physically hold him back I'm going to put my toe in the stir and I'm going to go to step up and when he walks off I'm going to step back out and I'm going to make him keep walking in a circle around me eight or 10 times I'm like I wanted you to stand still but you want to walk I tell you what I'm a nice guy I'm going to let you walk I'm going to let you do what you want in a controlled manner you pick the tune and I'll pick the dance and I'll make him walk around he's like I don't I don't want to walk anymore but you said that's what you wanted so I'm letting you do what you want he's like I don't want to walk anymore okay stop whoa I won you stand here while I get in the saddle and he says and it may take a couple times about well he says you know what I think what I want to do is I want to stand here while he gets in the saddle you know so we communicate and when I got his mind when I changed his want to I didn't have to fight with his body and so that that's just that's how that's how you approach it you you understand and you communicate I've heard you say that sometimes you have to apologize to the horse for being an idiot yes how do you apologize to a horse they don't care I apologize to the horse for my sake I mean the horse nothing the horse does is personal all right the horse will Buck you off they won't come back and apologize to you they did what they did because that's what they felt was necessary at the time and so they don't operate on that wavelength but there's times when I do something and it turns out I'm like that was my fault and that was stupid you know the horse doesn't take it personal either and I can apologize to the horse and the horse it just isn't in his thing but I apologize to the horse to humble myself and to bring myself down and to say look you need to pay attention dummy and not do that again the horse doesn't really he doesn't want an apology he just doesn't want you to do it again sounds like you've learned a lot to do with patience and humility through this yeah um and you know part of it is is when you're young you can pick a fight and you can win some of them and when you're older and you're busted up I got plates and screws in my neck and I got joints are out of shape and stuff you're not going to win that fight anyhow not physically anymore and uh so it's it's that's where you start saying you know what I need to approach this um in a in a better way plates and screws in the neck mhm but I've heard you say that not most of those were actually from horsing accidents but you were in a plane crash a car crash and you rolled a motor home off a hill I was a passenger off a mountain in Alaska I need to hear those stories please we I spent a winter in Fort Yukon which is above the Arctic Circle in Alaska staying with a fellow and uh it had a little 180 a little SS the 180 Bush I think it was 180 and we were flying out and it was dead to Winter it was like 30 below zero and in the back of that plane we had like a 100 lb propane tank a transmission out of a van some spare tires and and uh so we're flying back south to Fairbanks and when we landed in as we're touching down in Fairbanks we had a crosswind and so you kind of tilt the plane as you're landed into that crosswind and so as we touch down and I'm setting up on the cop pilot on passenger side I see the landing gear go run the wheel and everything go rolling off across the tundra and so I reach over and I'm like hey is that supposed to and then that strut came down and hit and we flipped and ground looped and and carried on on the runway with all of this washing machine ingredients inside there was a transmission out of a at a half ton Chevy van and 100 lb bottle propane bottle and just flying around uh yeah it didn't hit us um which is good uh but we stood out on that of course I was wearing cowboy boots so we're standing out on the runway in Fairbanks waiting for FAA to come out and it's 30 below zero and and they come out and inspected and then we picked up the wing a bunch of us and pushed the plane off the runways and then I had to catch two more flights that day to get back home so yeah what about the motor home motor home I was a passenger in the back we were coming down narrow road off the mountain and uh um the lady that was driving there were a couple of teenagers in the seat right here and they were fussing and bickering and so she turned around to tell them stop fussing hey y'all stop fussing and just drove right off so we went down I don't know how far down we went but we slid down and hit landed up against a bunch of trees down there no rolling no it didn't roll okay no yeah so you just just life and then you know a lot of bucked off been bucked off a lot just bruises and yeah and landing in places and and so it's just it was accumulation of life and then I was in I was in the police academy uh and we were studying Brazilian jiu-jitsu and I was doing a backwards tactical roll and something popped in my neck and I didn't say anything and so then we went on a big run and this run was pretty we' run for about a mile and then without then we'd stop and drop and do burpees and bicycles and and then jump up and run some more and by the time we got back to Academy my heart rate wouldn't go down it and then I had this weird feeling of like an electrical net in my body and uh my heart rate would not go down so finally they put me in the ambulance and took me to the hospital and I was like that far away from severing my spinal cord um and but it had it was already bad way worse than I I had no idea and that tactical backwards tactical role had just had just um brought it to the edge so maybe an odd blessing in some ways that it warned you and that didn't occur when you got bucked off right right and I don't ride bucking horses anymore I mean I say that you never know a horse is always a horse is a horse but after so many years I can pretty well tell when one is a little hanky and I'm like I don't have anything to prove anymore I'm not riding that horse if you haven't been feeling as sharp or as energized as you'd like getting your blood work done is the best place to start which is why I partnered with function they run lab tests twice a year that monitor over 100 biome markers they've got a team of expert Physicians that take that data put it in a simple dashboard and give you actionable recommendations to improve your health and lifespan function track everything from your heart health to your hormone levels and your thyroid function plus nutrient deficiencies they even screen for 50 types of cancer at stage one which is five times more data than you get from your annual physical best of all Dr Andrew hubin is the scientific adviser and Dr Mark hman is their chief medical officer so you can trust that the data and insights you receive are scientifically sound and practical getting your blood work analyze like this would usually cost thousands but with function it is only $500 function has a 300,000 person wait list boo but every Monday they open up a few spots for modern wisdom listeners yay right now you can get the exact same panels I get by going to the link in the description below or heading to function health.com slod wisdom that's function health.com slod wisdom you talk a lot about balance the dangers of being out of balance right explain that to me well let's take let's let's take any a okay raising children all right um I like to say that raising children is like holding a wet bar Soul if you squeeze it too tight squeezes out squirts out of your hands if you don't hold it tight enough it slides out of your hands you know raising children you got to be balanced there has to be discipline we as human beings need discipline in our life but there has to be love and grace and understanding and so a lot of children who grow up with issues from being raised you know those issues are because their parents are out of balance one way or another marriage you got problems in your marriage it's usually somebody's out of balance you know they're they're too distant or they're too clingy you know they're too demanding or they're too permissive they don't have personal boundaries it's just out of balance um I think oh heck I'm G to do it what are they going to do to me okay um I don't like the trend in this circle men's motivation Circle I don't like the hustle culture as is being brought out and taught today I don't agree with it because I think it's out of balance I think young men need to know that hey it's okay for you to sit down and to read and have a cigar and to chill and to think cuz I guarantee if you're in the wait room um pumping out all these reps and running on the machine and then you're going into the cubicle and you flip open a computer and you're not thinking you're learning you're taking in but you're not meditating on stuff and you're not you're not thinking but that can be taken so far that young men are made to feel guilty for just sitting down and thinking and relaxing and I understand that there was a tendency in this country we had a lot of young men that were not raised with dads they weren't raised to work you know and so that it's sitting on the couch playing the stupid Xbox you know not growing up learning to work so that pendulum went too far this way so now you've got guys who in order to counteract that they swung the pendulum too far this way and a balance man needs to be somewhere in the middle he needs to be able to work to do what needs to be done to improve himself and he also needs to sat around by the fire in the backyard and have a cigar and read some Kipling and just stay balanced there needs to be balance I wrote an essay about that this week did you would you mind if I read it you absolutely not I think type A people have a type B problem and type B people have a type a problem insecure overachievers need to learn how to chill out and relax and lazy people need to learn how to work harder and be disciplined given that you subscribe to me I'm going to guess you're probably type A some version of a walking anxiety disorder harnessed for productivity as Andrew Wilkinson says here's the thing you may have already realized type A people with a type B problem get very little sympathy because a miserable but outwardly successful person always appears to be in a much more preferential position than the content being lazy but on the verge of being bankrupt person the problems of opportunity will always get less sympathy than ones of scarcity one feels like a choice the other like a limitation one is a Bourgeois luxury the other a s systemic imposition I need someone to teach me how to be disciplined and work harder feels Noble and upward aiming and charitable I need someone to teach me how to switch off and relax feels dopam energic and addicted and transactional and opulent every Underdog movie ever has a train Montage of someone working their life out by working harder none included a guy learning how to log out of slack at 600 p.m. or finally enjoy a beach holiday so yes type people may have objectively better lives but subjectively they're ravaged by the sense that they've never done enough they wake up every morning feeling as if they've already fallen behind and only if they dominate their entire day flawlessly will they have dragged themselves back up to some minimum level of acceptable output which means they can go to sleep that night without feeling like they've wasted it congratulations you might be very successful but you might also be very miserable just work harder bro advice reliably makes everyone more successful in the only way that they can be judged outwardly there are very few issues in life which can't be solved by just working harder so everybody treats it like a Panacea not a purpose Built tool and on average maybe more people do need to hear David goggin's shouting in their face to go harder rather than eart T whispering in their ear that they are all ready enough but for a certain perhaps minority cohort of people they actually need to hear the opposite message we need a parasympathetic Goggins who's going to carry the TV remote and the cigars #r harder than me type B problems are just as tough as type A ones but they require a much less sexy solution piece one that you can't achieve by just working harder I agree 100% I I have guys come into the school and they're like they're just I'm like I don't say anything it's not my business but I'm like you're going to die young tightly wound just tightly wound and it's never enough It's never enough I'm like when is it enough what is enough you know I've been thinking last couple weeks I'm like you know the saying is just keep the main thing the main thing but I think where we crash and burn is how we Define the main thing you know and it's I see myself in a very small tiny way infantism way I see myself as the anti- David Goggins I see myself as a guy it's like there's places where his message is needed I'm not knocking the guy okay there are places where his message is needed but his message is not needed for everybody okay um I'm going to I'm going to probably step over a line here you can edit out anything you want all right I'm really bothered by these guys who are Financial gurus who will fire you if you don't have a six-pack there's a problem there's a main thing stay in the main thing problem with that viewpoint on life um and I want to see I want to see men that I'm for whatever reason whatever way brought in to influence I want to see them find balance I don't want to see them find money I don't want to see them find sixpacks if that if that is part of the result of it fine okay but I want them to find balance and I want them to find that place inside where they're like my main thing is my main thing and it's enough I've heard you say that a good man is born to serve not born to make money absolutely what's that mean to you well it if I'm make money and I and I've heard all excuses because there's guys who have a problem with me saying that all right um but if I make money I make money for me now I've got you know my wife definitely benefits from it and you know my children although they're grown they benefit from it but ultimately in the end uh if if I pour all my life into making money that's for me you know but if I if I pour my life into as many people as is fitting and I don't know um their life is better for me having come through I ultimately I want and I'll never know in some tiny way I would what means the most to me is that when you leave here today in some small way your life is better for us having sat down and talked that means that means more um and uh and so we're you know I I think we are I think a real man is born to serve and serve means provide for those that are in your sphere of you to provide for uh it means to protect it means to encourage it means to teach and to train uh and sometimes it means to step back and let them hit the wall Sometimes the best service you can do for somebody is to when it's all done walk up and look down and say did that hurt you know that's that's what they needed uh but we won't do that because it makes us look bad and even in our service to others we do it for ulterior motives you know but but yes um I believe that very strongly I believe I believe if you spend your whole life to yourself for yourself you have no purpose of being here this this planet is not in any way better for you having been here uh is that what a good man is to you that's what a good man is to me when when I when my wife and I and we've moved we've lived all over but we've it's been a thing of ours when we leave we try to leave the house in some way better than when we found it and that's how I approach life is like when people come across my path I try to leave their life a little better than when I found it and you know what that may be just looking at that poor tired lady checking out at Walmart with the sore feet and the the glazed over eyes and looking her in the eye and say how are you doing today it don't take much you know but it's like I guarantee in some small way her life was a little better when I passed through that Walmart line than it was before I got there uh and yeah I think that's a good man A Good Man is a man who can protect and who can provide and who can serve who can Comfort who can reprimand who can disciplined whatever is necessary to make the world a little better because he passed through we'll get back to talking to Dwayne in one minute but first I need to tell you about element for the last 3 years I have started my morning every single day with element it is a tasty electrolyte drink mix with everything that you need and nothing that you don't each grab and go stick contains a science-backed electrolyte ratio of sodium potassium and magnesium with no coloring no junk or any other BS you might not be underslept you might not need more caffeine you might just be dehydrated and proper hydration is not just about having sufficient fluids in your body it's having enough electrolytes to allow your body to use that water best of all they have a no questions asked refund policy with an unlimited duration so you can buy it and try for as long as you want if you don't like it for any reason they'll give you your money back and you don't even need to return the box that's how confident they are that you love it right now you can try it completely risk-free and get a free sample pack of all eight flavors by going to the link in the description below or heading to drink LM nt.com slod wisdom that's drink LM nt.com slod wisdom what do you think about the balance when it comes for men between uh strength and softness uh sort of um rationality emotionality uh rigidity vulnerability I think that's a balance that a lot of men struggle with I still think that the conversation around emotions around being open whether it's with your friends or a partner or even yourself uh I mean you you literally denied yourself going to the doctor for a heart attack like the male ability to deny that things are wrong whether they're physical or emotional is like a reality distorting power that we all have right um how do you come to think about that balance between this the the hardness and the softness in Men I'm Still old school um I'm still very old school um now there comes a point where it can be deil debilitating to those around me okay um if I bottle everything up inside so that I get to the point that I am toxic or debilitating to those around me then I need to get some help but as long as I'm not I don't need to add more burden for them to carry that's that's just me can you be a bit more specific about what that what that is how it how that shows up for you um my my wife has has been encouraging me for a while now for me to go and talk to somebody just there's years and years and years of I mean there were a lot of rough years there um but I'm like I can't I can't do that you know I mean the guy I know the guy gets paid to sit there and uh but it's not it's just not necessary you know um I'm still of you know I'm still old enough and I I'm of the I'm of the school it's like just just deal with it suck it up suck it up you know I broke three ribs one time in a barn saddling horses horse through a fit took eight aspirin and got on that horse and did a 4-Hour ride because I had a job to do it's my job now I know let's let's go back to balance okay I was about to mention that I understand I'm with you 100% but at the same time your balance and my balance and his balance are different um and so I think I think a man has to find his own balance um and the and you're going to get so many messages on here disagree with this um but I I think that this thought of men's mental health emotional health go get help go I'm not saying it's bad I'm not saying it's wrong I'm not saying it's out of place but I think like everything else I think it could be taken to the point that men just become weak and brother let me tell you in this day and age we don't need more weak men um now when you're when your internal battles come to the point that you need help because they have weakened you then get help you know but I think everybody's balance is different and I fear there was a problem for years on this side but I fear just like everything else with that subject being pushed the way it is we're going to get out of balance on the other side and it's like and everybody needs therapy for everything this is the Nuance I think around what we were talking about type A problems type B problems right because it's easy to just take that as a one single meal on a plate as opposed to multiple different pieces or a onesie that you put on opposed to an outfit that's peace meal and put together so there's a a British writer called Matthew Sayad who's coming on the show soon and the interesting thing about tennis as a sports reporter is that you had three phenomenal world champions all at the same time you had Nadal you had uh jovic and you had federa and he used to go to Wimbledon and he would see how they were warming up and each had a different approach so he'd go and see Nadal and he's just raw aggression his tops off and he's hitting the ball as hard as he could and he's sort of just Fury and then he'd go and see jokovic and he's like a robot and this guy's precise Precision rationality then he'd go and see fedra and he's playing trick shots he's laughing and he's having fun he's sort of flirting with the ball girls and stuff like that and each of these guys have won titles while all of them have been playing and they've traded places some on this court some on a different type of surface Etc but if you were to look at any of them and say in order for me to be a world champion I must be okay well which one because all of them are world champions yes and this is I think you're right the message May largely have swung too far back toward the you cannot deal with any difficulty you must prioritize your internal State over external responsibilities mindful Mondays and and time off Tuesdays and you know cookie wedding stays um and it's trying to find who's this message for particularly and and I think really trying to get people that are listening to feed it through the filter of is this for me is this or is this for someone else right and that point around just go harder bro can cause you to have a heart attack laid in bed next to your wife yeah uh and you go okay that that's something that I probably do need to heed right and on the other side like am I a a useless blob of emotional nothingness okay well maybe I need a bit more David Goggins in my life right and I think finding that balance and not having a one-sized fit all answer so how does a man a an individual pick any individual how does he find that balance that fits him with difficulty I think for me it's come with age it's come with learning myself it's come with experience of understanding what happened the last time that this situation occurred and how I felt right and trying to so what would you encourage or um advise a young man 19 23 who doesn't have the benefit of the age in the experience and what would you advise him and say look this is kind of an area that might help you find your balance I think checking in with yourself and not treating your first response as always the correct one uh I think the immediate sort of reflex that we often have espe especially as young men uh Young And Men is an issue because that you haven't accumulated enough experience for you to be able to call it gut instinct wisdom right what it is is probably your default response which is from childhood from the group that you grew up in maybe it's Dad's pattern maybe it's Mom's pattern maybe it's the teacher and the way that you have to protect yourself in school it's unlikely that that is the best way for you to deal with things so I think don't believe everything you think yeah um can we can we boil it down to a booah base and say look when when you have the thought don't trust the thought I need to do this or I need to do that what if we start asking oursel why why do I need to run 300 miles with two broken legs because David gogin said so you know why do I need to do that what is the purpose not why for me but why do I need to do that to make myself the man I need to be for those around me why do I need to say you know what I need to spend more time in the backyard with a cigar why do I need to do that and if the answer is because I'm becoming overwhelmed overtight losing my balance losing my focus on what really matters in life I'm becoming hard to live with to those that I care the most about to those who I am the most responsible for so the why is this will make me a better person for those around me me being able to bench press 200 lb as opposed to 180 lb does not necessarily make me a better person for those that I'm here to serve it feeds my ego so maybe a little more time in the gym doesn't answer the why and a little more time in the backyard with my kids that gives me a better answer to the why do I need to make this Choice as opposed to that choice and maybe that's a little more accessible to a Young Man Without a lot of experience I'm really interested in this blend that you have of real introspection and uh accepting of your own flaws and and faults with the old school mentality of pick up a weight and carry it mhm I think one of the things that men that want to achieve things in their life struggle with a lot is being Kinder with themselves when they fall short even if they tried their best right they did everything that they could right reality didn't deliver to them the thing that they wanted right the outcome right how have you learned to have a better relationship with yourself the voice inside of your head to be to be kinder if things go badly you're smiling I like me I like me um I would buy me a drink I look at me now and I and I see all the warts okay I see all the negatives more than anybody else does I see the positives and over the whole balance of stuff I like me and I can give myself the same Grace if you and I were friends I can give myself the same Grace I can give you because I like me I like me in spite of my understanding and the reality of my weaknesses and my warts and my scars and everything but you know all in all I'm a pretty good dude and uh man you you got to get to that point outside of arrogance arrogance is pride mixed with ignorance all right that that's the definition of arrogance I'm not talking arrogance I'm talking about look as a human being I've failed at this I've succeeded at that I've wrecked this but I've built that and all in all you know I've tried and uh but I like me so I'm going to give me some Grace answer as simple as that I would buy me a cigar I wonder how many men can say that not as many as should and wonder how many people can say that how many people say I like me they would give more grace more care more attention more love to somebody else than themselves there's a a statistic around I think on average the likelihood that you are going to complete a course of antibiotics yourself is about 50% right the likelihood of your dog completing it is 95% yeah so we're literally capable of caring for a pet nearly double as well as we can for ourselves remembering that if you die no one can look after the pet right so in an odd roundabout way serving yourself and serving others from a cup which overflows around your own right uh or the sorcer that sits around your cup is is important uh without and again this sort of tension between being self- serving being narcissistic being egotistical being self-centered yeah but not meaning that right it's this delicate balance and this is what comes with growing up and I think this is why one siiz fits-all flaming sword advice seems to die away as people get a little older yeah you listen to a Joe Rogan and a lot of what he's saying is hedged in some regard it's caveated it's you know it's it's this is what worked for me right not this is how everybody should do it right and uh yeah there's a humility that comes with age right right because there's if you turn around and look back with open eyes at your life you see all the scars you know I mean you you can't you can't the only way you cannot be humble in old age is when you refuse to look at the reality of your life up to the day I you know that's the only way because nobody's skaing through it perfectly but this is what drives this is what drives my and it's it's to it sounds ludicrous in my ears but my business Endeavors today this is the core of what drives me okay there is no business out there that I can take on there is no monetary Endeavor that I can take on that is worth the gamble of me losing me it took me years of of a lot of grief and pain and work to get to be who I am today in spite of who I was and I don't want to lose that I don't want to lose myself in business I don't want to lose myself in trying to earn a better living in trying to get a name and trying to do this it's like I have turned down I have turned down so much because I've looked at it and I've asked myself who's this going to make me be who's this going to turn me into even a little bit and it's like it's just not worth it it's just not it's not worth it and so I'm right now trying to find the balance in undertaking something that's not going to alter me that I'm not going to lose myself and then not succeeding at something because I was too afraid to try it which has never been an issue with me before I've never been afraid of failure before but now I've got something I don't want to lose and that's myself that I actually like a me that I actually like um I does that make any sense you 100% okay the the person that you have to spend the most time talking to in your life is yourself try not to lose their respect right right and I think you know this was a lesson that I realized toward the end of my 20s where i' accumulated a lot of success and status in maybe the way that modern society tells a young man that he should with freedom and and notoriety and and and women and and stuff like that and that was cool and and like to look back on fun uh but it was beginning to get to the stage where I didn't like me all that much well I had done anything bad but I just felt like there was I was built for more I was built for different built for something else right and I realized that I wasn't keeping promises to myself right that if I said I was going to wake up at a certain time the snooze button would be hit three times right if I said that I was going to stick to my diet or go to the gym or do this thing maybe it would happen but it wouldn't happen quite the way that I'd meant it to and there would be some negotiating and some cajoling and some falling short so imagine that you had a friend and every time that you invited this friend out for lunch they showed up an hour late or they didn't show up at all after a while you stop trusting them and stop inviting them out at all right well you are that friend to yourself yeah you know how can you have faith that you're going to go and do all of the things that you want in life when you can't not hit the snooze button right or you can't not cheat on your diet you can't not do you know you are constructed by the tiny decisions that you make every single day and even if you think that nobody else is watching and even if no one is is this little ticker in the back of your mind when you go to bed you know you would you were gentle with yourself when you got agitated right good yeah you were kind with the lady that looked like she was tired at Walmart you said something uh peaceful and and encouraging to her good yeah but you did these things right did something that makes you feel not so proud about yourself right and you know in some ways it's a great correcting mechanism because there is no hiding from it and right you people turn to alcohol and distraction and aggression and and depersonalization in order to deal with the fact that they don't like themselves right but ultimately you need to live with the decisions that you make you need to live with you right there is this set of scales inside of your mind that's just balancing things all the time and if it you know you know yeah U people and people don't know how to like themselves I mean people don't know how to like themselves but but it's not complicated we'll get back to talking to Dwayne in one minute but first I need to tell you about nomatic traveling should be about the journey not the chaos of packing which is why I'm such a massive fan uhhuh of nomatic look at this sucker they make the best luggage that I've ever found and they're brand new new method carryon it's engineered to be lighter stronger and can hold up to 20% more than other carry-ons look at all of this additional room here for activities that means you can fit an entire week's worth of clothes or more without stressing about space this is why I'm such a massive fan of nomatic because they make the best luggage on the planet and their products will last you literally a lifetime with a lifetime guarantee so this is the final carryon that you will ever need to buy plus you can return or exchange any product within 30 days for any reason and you can get 20% off by going to the link in the description below or heading to nomatic docomo wisdom that's n m a i.com SL modern wisdom tell me how do you like yourself find somebody that you like that you genuinely like and figure out what it is about them you like I like that that's something I like that person is uh they're understanding they're gentle they're hardworking they're honest they're this this is this is what I like about that and incorporate that stuff into your own life if that's the stuff you like then incorporate that stuff into who you are and then you like yourself it's not rocket science you know with be there are things there are things that you like as a person that wouldn't mean anything to me there are things that you like in another person that wouldn't mean mean anything to me there's things that I like in another person just because of how I'm wired and it wouldn't mean anything to you all right so that is what I like in a person so if I work at taking on those attributes it helps me become a person that I like I always used to feel um a little nervous when uh talking to people and perhaps the my horse situation uh bellied this I always wanted people to like me yeah so I was unpopular as a kid only child a lot of time in solitude bullied in school and I wanted people around me to think that I was fun or cool or interesting or want to be near me or want to be around me or whatever and I think I I assumed that that was always this sort of grand charismatic Out Of Reach impressive person you needed to be impressive needed to walk into a room and look all of the things I can do right and then this was two years ago my friend George made me realize this just by virtue of being peaceful and Brilliant and I realized that the reason I love being around him wasn't because he was the most charismatic guy in the room or the most even the most interesting guy in the room although he can be but because he made me feel like the most interesting person in the room right and I think this is such an important lesson for people who want to be liked who want struggle socially uh and want to become better people like people that make them feel good right they don't care that much about how impressive the person is right there's this great story I think it was Winston Churchill's wife who met the two uh US president candidates uh Truman and somebody else and she said that she sat down at dinner with both of them within the space of about a month of each other MH said she left from the first president feeling like he was the smartest man in the world she left from the second president feeling like she was the smartest woman in the world right right and it is significantly easier to make someone else feel interesting than it is to be interesting to make someone else feel charismatic than it is to be charismatic it is but from an individual and this is where I see things because of all of the particular um comments and questions and emails and stuff I get from young men okay um you take a young man out there and and everything you just said is 100% correct I agree with 100% it's it's dead on but there there are guys out there that don't have someone like that in their life someone who's going to be that person that makes them feel good about themselves but if we become the person that we like I have recently come to the pl and this drives people crazy I think I think it irritates people um I have come to the place in my life where when I meet somebody and they and they don't like me and you can tell I don't care and when I meet somebody that that you know they're like they really like me it's like okay but it doesn't carry much weight either cuz I'm going to be leaving I'm going to be leaving you know we're not staying I like me and it's enough and so when I meet someone who doesn't like me or I meet someone who does like me it doesn't alter my sell I suppose that's the the vicious circle of if you don't like you you will continue to Outsource your selfworth to the people around you yes which makes you more desperate and more needy which inherently makes you less likable because people know that you're pliable and malleable and will kind of do whatever you need to do in order to gain their approval right mercifully the horse did lift its hoof up but it's a a vicious circle and I I I get that and you know I'm a a rehabilitating people please in that um but this is this is the fascinating thing I think about developing as a person that the journey that you're on parts of it will resonate with other people they see bits of them in you right right they see little bits I was angry I'm angry as a young man I see that in dway I was never angry anger was never my my anger was always turned inward not outward right uh so for me it was low mood was fear was worry was concern tight closed up it's never out right not fighting I wasn't showing aggression I wasn't being you know so okay well if I'm the angry young guy like intellectually philosophically maybe I can say something that's remotely interesting but I've got no lived experience that's actually going to help you right go to you right right exact Black Belt Master at dealing with that right that's where picking different bits apart but I I agree I think you know there's been a lot of talk about crisis of masculinity role models for men in the modern world the multiplicity of backgrounds that guys are coming from The Unseen fatherlessness epidemic that we had which has created a vacuum that's required people like you to step in a surrogate Patriarchs right right what are you hearing from the guys in your audience what are they often asking what are they coming to what are the problems that they're dealing with mostly relationships girls um they they were not raised they were not raised with a dad who said hey this is how you treat a lady you know this is this is how you know when girls talk and they say this what they actually mean is this and I'm not talking about no me means no but I'm talking about you know I don't I don't know you don't have to get me something to eat when you go get something I don't want anything um but it it's and so young men these days were never taught by another man how to treat a lady like a lady and they go in to a relationship girlfriends marriages getting all their information from Hollywood and it's a crash and burn cuz they don't understand Rel relationships they don't understand communication uh they don't understand the balance between being a man and being a boore being a buffoon you know being a tyrant they don't know the difference between being kind of call names on here absolutely okay Andrew Tate okay or or some little milk soop over here you know there you got the two extremes and they they can't find that place in the middle um the biggest thing by far is relationships what is your advice from 34 and a bit years of marriage and negotiating with a woman from Venus what is your advice to young guys on how they can treat a lady better and understand them Treat Her Like She's special I mean for one thing for one thing my problem with the femin this movement is why in the Sam Hill was something is something as special and wonderful as a woman want to be equal with a man why do you want to bring yourself down to that level you know as a Christian God gave two very special gifts to mankind the first one was a woman and the second was Jesus Christ okay you can teach an ape to work construction you cannot teach an ape to human children I think it's degrading to women to try to be the same as a man is okay treat them special uh and and secondly is communicate all right if you don't understand what they're saying if you're confused sit down and gently say look I'm sorry I don't understand I don't understand what you're feeling I don't understand but I'd love to understand if you can help me and just sit down and communicate just listen to them you know a lot of times they don't they just they just want somebody to listen to them they don't want you to fix it they just want you to listen to them while they while they take all this boiling stuff inside their head and put it out so they can actually hear it and sometimes that helps them sort out all these thoughts that's in their head they need to just put it out so they can hear it and they don't need you to demean them by saying okay I'll fix this just just listen to them there's a quote from Timothy lery that says women who aspire to be equal with men lack ambition yeah yeah I hadn't heard that but I agree with it I'm like I get up and give you my seat because I think you're special not cuz I think you're my equal a guy comes in he's 57 years old he's physically equal to me he's all my I'm not going to get up and give him my seat all right so I give you my seat not cuz I think you're my equal if you're my equal you can stand just like I do I give you my seat cuz you're special what about the reverse what do you wish more women knew about how men operated oh there's 10,000 times more going on inside the head of a man than you have any idea he's carrying burdens that you don't have a clue about out and he don't know how to express them and he don't know what to do about it and he figures if he puts it out there and communicates it he's just going to be shot down called a fool called weak so he carries it inside and you have no clue the burdens and the hell that most men are carrying inside and not even showing you I wish more women understood that yeah it's a a strange problem I think of the modern discussion around men and why they're struggling that a lot of the solutions that get put forward a lot of the only acceptable solutions that get put forward are if only you acted less like a man all of your problems would go away that men are treated like defective women as opposed to treated like work in progress men the average man I believe the average real man does not need to go get therapy for the battles and the burdens he's carrying inside what he needs is for those that he's carrying them for to recognize that they're there and to respect it and to be grateful for it they don't need to talk it out to get get rid of it they need the one that they're going through this hell for to recognize it's there and to be grateful that the man is carrying this for them they don't need therapy they need gratitude how important do you think it is to communicate that as a man you've said there are 10,000 Things challenges trauma complete inability to communicate it whether Maybe communicate to a horse better than you can communicate to your significant other right what's your thoughts around vulnerability within a relationship if it's you're not going to the therapist perhaps right how about opening up about these fears and concerns and well first off let's let's take away let's take away vulnerability okay because a lot of times men won't open up they won't respond because it's look that is becoming vulnerable and it's like the you know the Little Dutch boy with his finger in the D it's a little tiny leak but if I allow this little tiny leak the entire Dyke is going to give away that's why we can't allow the little tiny leak okay so if if I if I'm sitting here and if I'm one of these guys and my significant other is sitting there I can communicate to her what I need to communicate without being vulnerable I can maintain my strength and communicate to her okay I can say look I'm I'm working 60 hours a week and the environment that I'm working in is very very difficult and I come home and I only have eight hours here at the house and this is the only place of peace I have in this entire world and when I come home you're angry all the time you're not satisfied about anything you're you want that you know whatever the situation is if you're not going to provide for me that little bit of peace that this is the only place I can get what are we doing now you're not vulnerable You're not getting walked on you're not being a jerk you're not coming in throwing stuff down and saying this you're just communicating the hard reality truth is the hard reality truth is our relationship at this point has boiled down to this now you have a beautiful house you have you never worry about there being grocery money you have a car I put the fuel in your car because you let it go to empty all the time I provide this and this and this and what I'd like for you is some peace and some understanding you know if if that's where your situation is but to communicate it in such a way not to come in and whine not to gravel and not to Tyrant you know not to yell not to pick a fight it's like it's like look I'm just communicating because I think we have a lack of understanding here so I need you to understand this is where things are right now and so you can communicate but how you communicate is just as important as what you communicate transparent communication like that is so rare you know making being able to put across what you mean yeah without Laden it with resentment passive aggression right right I had a I knew a guy Years Years many years ago he had a little dog one of those little furry little rat dogs you know and his his one of his little joys in life was he'd look at that dog and he'd smile and he say you're so stupid you're the ugliest dumbest most worthless dog I ever seen in my life and that dog would just wiggle and roll over and just and and he look at me say it doesn't matter what you say it's how you say it dog has no idea what I'm saying but I say it in a loving tone and it's all good you know there's a lot of Truth to that in communicating with people we can say things that are not necessarily blatantly offensive but we can say it in a real belligerent aggressive tone and all they hear is the tone they didn't even hear the words the message that's right they don't even hear the words what have you learned about the importance of fatherhood you got SE I have seven children seven children yeah what have you learned about the importance of fatherhood all right I believe God God made man okay and God created man and God gave man the word and the word at that time was don't eat of the fruit of those two trees okay that was a Syle that's all the word God gave man at that time then God gave man a work and the work was he said take care of this garden and then God gave man a woman to help the man okay that man and then the woman God gave him that became a marriage and then that man and wife had children and those children had children and then there became governments okay you see where I'm going in this country this country was founded this was founded as Christian country this is what I believe people can do whatever I believe that this country is only as strong as the churches even our founding father says America will remain great as long as America is good when America ceases to be good America will cease to be great this country is only as strong as the churches in this country the churches are only as strong as the families that make up those churches those families are only as strong as the marriages that those families are built on and those marriages are only as strong and good as the man that God built the marriages on as goes the man so goes the marriage as goes the marriage so goes the family as goes the family so goes the churches as goes the churches so goes the Country everything is built on the husband and the father and this country is a failure today because the fathers and the husbands have failed how failing to be the failing to be the example they need to be failing to be the leaders they need to be failing to be the disciplinarians that they need to be failing to be the providers that they need to be um if you don't have if you don't have the backbone as a husband and as a father to be the bad guy you've got no business being a father or a husband there's times when you have to know this is not a good direction for my marriage for my family and everybody's going to be mad at me my wife is going to be mad at at me my kids are going to hate me but in the long run this is a very bad Direction and I'm putting my foot down and we're not doing that and you become the bad guy but you do it for the longterm strength and safety of the family and we've lost that I mean we've lost that in in this country to a very large degree and and so I think I mean our next Generation our next generation is going to run the politics they're going to run the finances they're going to run the judicial system everything in this country and they're going to be the result in a very large degree and there's going to be those who don't agree with this but they're going to be the result of whatever their fathers made them or whatever they become because they didn't have a father and so I think fatherhood is Paramount I think it's Paramount for the future of a society speaking of doing things that make your family mad at you I heard that you didn't let your daughters date until they were in their late teens is this right right and that you grilled the potential suitors when they started dating them every boy had to come to me tell me the process tell me the story there well they they would come you know the boys would come hey you want to you want to and she was taught you got to go talk to Daddy we don't even talk about this you go talk to Daddy two of my son-in-laws today for years they would come and like I I'd like to you and they would they'd come to me and they're like I'd like to you know write your daughter I'd like to I'm like no nope well what about this no why not it's like look you're a good you're a good kid but my problem with you is you're a kid all right grow up and two of my son-in-law's St there were literally years they kept coming back and I'm like no let me see what kind of man you're going to become okay my daughter's not marrying a boy and a lot of boys they grow up to not be good men so why let her get into an emotional attachment with a boy who will never grow up and why am I not protecting her from that heartache in the future and both of them now are married to my daughters but there there came a point years later I'm like okay I've watched you all right you grew up you can contact my daughter now how did that go down with the daughters I don't know they wouldn't come fuss to me but I think my daughters appreciated knowing they had a father who was not just looking out for them today their feelings today their whatever but looking out for their entire future and putting them on the right Road I brought a man in my office one time and I had a desk along the wall we sat down in front of the desk he was sitting in front of me I pulled out the middle drawer in my desk pulled out a buoy knife about that long slammed it on the desk between it I said do you have any questions he said no sir no sir I don't have any questions I said all right then put it back to the door closed it and we got up and left they never had any question my daughters are married all my daughters that are married are married to good man good man and I've told every one of them at the wedding I've pulled every one of them at the wedding aside I said if you ever hurt her they will never find your body I said there will be no court there will be no um what they call it a uh you know you go down and you swear out a uh you can't come with so many a protect order I said won't be any of that if you ever hurt her they won't find your body she'll be my daughter to the day she dies and they all they all know everybody knows you know it's just like and I think they appreciate it and I think I'm sure they appreciated that on the wedding day yeah oh yeah well I didn't tell them he may have later but that's okay but you know there's I I think there's a lot of women out there would just say man I wish I'd had somebody in my life that that had had that kind of commitment to my safety and to my future why did people think that you were saying that is it because you're a tyrant is it because you wanted to domineer over your daughter's lives or is it because you love them and you want the best for them and you want them to be safe and protected and happy just that because I'm not every one of my children when they got married you're adults and I never interfere in their decisions never I never say you can't go here you should do that I never tell their husband you should get this job you should do that you we don't interfere in how they rais their children my children are not raising their children the way I rais them I never say anything about it it's you're an adult I raised you being an adult you're a parent those children are your children I'm not a tyrant at all but they know from a distance Zeus is looking from Olympia and he will throw that Thunderbolt down if somebody tries they know that it's like dad's always there he's never meddling he's never in the way he's never in our Affairs but if he's always there if we ever name him what do you think were the most important lessons that you taught your kids or what do you hope that your kids learned um your word do don't your word is your bond don't lie now I I would go to jail for this today but my kids are grown and gone uh we had a we had a deal in the house and it's like and I spanked my children okay there there it is there's there's a set penalty for breaking this rule if you do if you break the rule you're going to get that penalty if you lie about it the penalty is done doubled so it's like my boys it's like you don't hit girls you don't hit girls all right and so you know if if uh you know if they haul off and smack their sister comes in you know he hit me she's crying there's a red mark on the side of her face call him in it's like did you hit her now if it's proven that he did hit her you know there's going to be like 15 legs I mean the the penalty was severe you don't hit women all right if he said no I didn't hit her oh son don't do that no I didn't hit her and then two of the other siblings come and say he did we saw it well he got the 15 licks for hitting his sister but he got 30 licks for lying about it so he got 45 licks total it's like lying is the worst thing do not lie go through life you be honest you speak the truth even to your harm even to your detriment you do not lie and you don't hit women so don't lie don't lie uh your your word is your a man's most important a man's most valuable most important resource is his good name if a man ain't got a good name he ain't got nothing so don't lie be respectful you know be respectful to others be respectful to your elders even if even if they're not respectable they still been through life enough you know their position earns want their behavior want you know you had seven kids mhm were you rich how do you afford seven kids a lot of people at the moment have a problem I I can't start a family I don't have enough money I don't have the X Y and Zed it's one of the most common reasons people have for not starting families yet no wa so during that time there were years where my income tax return like for the year I made $6 to $18,000 for the year uh I worked hard worked two jobs we were very frugal I had a guy asked me one time I was working um actually I was working we were living in Temple Texas and I was working at used to be Watson electric was an industrial electrical supply and I was working at the counter one of the contractors come in he says Dwayne do you do you get assistance on the side I'm like what do you mean he said you know food stamps welfare or something I had four kids at the time I said no man I don't I don't get anything he's he like does does your wife work I said no my wife is a mother of four kids at home he said then how do you do it he said I know basically what you're making here how do you do it I said well it's a very very difficult very complex um very mathematical equation I said you sure you want to hear it he said I want to hear it I said you sure he said man I'm sure how do you do it I said we say no we just say no no we're not going out to eat no we don't need satad TV no you don't need a $100 pair of basketball shoes no we we don't have to have TV dinners no my wife can cook uh you just say no no I I bought a 1976 Dodge Dart paid cash for you know for $700 I don't need a car payment I just need a vehicle that'll get me from point A to point B I said just say no live within your means it's amazing I mean we rented a mobile home We R in a mobile home you know $300 a month whatever it was how many people lived in the mobile home myself my wife and and uh with the three children we had the three children at the time yeah so it's just live within your means you don't need near as much as you think you need you know and who cares about the status symbol of those around you what they think are and and then you find out when you get up to my age that the people out there who are super super truly super wealthy for real most of them they look like they're living in the mobile home driving the Dodge Dart they don't show it you know I mean they don't have all the big supercars and everything you're truly obnoxiously wealthy guys uh you know they're driving Toyotas they're driving Hondas that's what I like about Austin the richest people drive the shittest carss yeah yeah so it's a it's a big circle and so if you want to get this out of circle start over here you know if you want to get to the level of where you are so rich you drive the crappiest car you start by driving the crappiest car yeah I think uh starting at the end or realizing what do older people do what do the people that are a little bit further down the line how do they dress what do they spend their time thinking about doing what are they invested in and uh realizing that if you're going to end up there and if you can see that most people with age for a good amount of time comes some wisdom and some understanding right you think well we can probably take some of that now and bring it down into the present moment and speedrun this whole wisdom growing up thing a little bit right what what how big was Warren Buffett's mansion He lived in a little three-bedroom not a three-bedroom little brick ranch house same house he been in for decades you know he he drove a car he just wore suits you know how does Mark Zuckerberg dress sweats in a t-shirt you know how how does um what's his name Amazon look at how he dress yeah Bezos you know what are these guys doing um it's like oh maybe it should learn something speaking of famous people who are some of the role models that you have looked up to over the years um I can't think of anybody famous that was well what about private people my dad um uh the cowboy in Kansas I worked with for several years really respected him he was a scratchy fell but he had he had his honesty and and uh he really had a big effect some just some of the folks I've worked with and been around but my dad was probably the my dad and I were not always on the same page about everything but I have never met a man in my life where I looked at and said that guy's more honest than my dad my dad was the most honest man I've ever known in my life um and no one has affected me more in that area than he did think when we're talking about leaving the world in a better place than you found it yeah uh not doing things that derate the well-being of the people that are around you that you're supposed to look after and care for I do think that you know if somebody asks the question who have been the biggest influences who have been your biggest Role Models I think the goal of every father should be for their son to say Dad Dad yeah I think that's usually a pretty good indication that he did a good job it's pretty good yeah it's it's pretty good um and he was my dad was always himself but himself was a good guy himself was enough he was never wealthy never famous never but he was very much respected in his field and the you know there's a there's very little more that a man could ask for when he leaves this world than saying look I was known as an honest man I was known as a very respectable man and everybody that knew me respected me they may not all liked me but they all respected me and everything else is really not that important I'm interested you have this facility now which maybe you're going to have to slow down for a little bit and and reorganize to to make it work if you were able to design your perfect day what would that look like what would an ideal day for you be that I could like whatever in my life now yeah in your life right now what would it what does what does a perfect normal day look like for you man my days right now are all over the map I um that's a really good question I don't know if I have an answer for that um I will you stun me I I don't know I wonder if that's an indication of how much sort of change and upheaval is going on inflection and and and attention and stuff like that for you at the moment I think it's an indication of how the quality of my day is internalized how it's not affected by my environment by what's going on um I think it's more of that it's like whatever happens you know we can whatever I'm doing today we can make this a really good day um instead of thinking more along the lines of if I can do this and this and if this can happen and if I can be here and if I can have this property and I can have this schedule and that then that's going to be the perfect day then I can have a good day yeah well that's power my one of my friends Alex says if you can have a bad day for no reason then you can have a good day for no reason you know I've been staying my my best friend lives in Temple and uh day before yesterday I got up he had to go to work I got up took a shower made two or three cups of coffee you know and I got online and I said I know there's cigar lounges around here there's got to be and I found one in belt and nice folks and so I went to the Cigar Lounge and I just sat there and smoked couple of cigars and talked to folks until about 1:00 went back to the house sat on the porch and and talked with um my buddy's wife about poetry she's real big into poetry we just sat on the porch and talked and then he came home and he and I went to uh lar Steakhouse and I had a riye for supper and I'm like today was a really really good day you know what did I accomplish who cares what did I break nothing it was just a really good day you know it it's just the ideal day and there's something to be said for getting to that place in your life that you don't have to architect what a good day is going to be you make good days you make good days out of whatever you got whatever's there there wasn't a horse anywhere in sight I didn't go riding you know um my wife is back home she wasn't here but was like this is where I am this is what I got this is what my good day is going to look like dowayne know ladies and gentlemen Dwayne I love every that you do you're fantastic everybody needs to check out your YouTube channel everyone needs to go and follow the stuff that you're doing online I I I can't believe that you've been hiding away somewhere and now you've sort of right right broken above the surface so I I really hope that I so many people are going to be blown away by you know the the things that you talk about it's very very impressive I'm really really glad that you're doing what you're doing well thank you I appreciate it appreciate you it's been an honor you having me here I'm very thankful thank you how cool is Dwayne that might be the coolest man that I've ever sat upod the second coolest man was Matthew mccon you can watch an episode with him right here go on