I’ve lived more in my head than in real life... [RAW]

I am 37 years old and at this point in my life I have realized that I have spent most of my life becoming a version of myself that doesn't actually exist anywhere other than in my mind which is a difficult thing for me to say because in a way that means means I have wasted most of my life. I was always made to feel like my real self wasn't good enough. I was always told that I should be something else or someone else. And yet, while I received constant criticism, I was never actually given any real support or encouragement to become who people wanted me to be. and instead I received constant push back telling me that I am never going to be anything in life. So these were very contradictory messages and a lot of times it made me feel defeated. It made me feel like what's the point of even trying? And so I retreated into my own head because that's where I felt safe. And it's where I was able to be whoever I wanted to be. But it seems that who I wanted to be actually had nothing to do with my identity. That it was just whatever I was told I should be. So in essence, I was living out someone else's dreams where someone else had failed to achieve. And that's how even in my own mind I felt a sense of conflict as though this isn't really me. But now it has gotten to a point where I don't even know how to escape it anymore because now it has become my safe space. It's where I feel comfortable to exist only in my own minds because it feels like nobody actually knows I exist anyway. Few people in my life ever really took an interest in my inner world. And that is why eventually I selfisolated and I easily spent over 99% of my life alone without any supportive friends, family or girlfriends. And I haven't even seen my own daughter for the last 5 years which isn't something I enjoy talking about. It's something I often chose to suppress because it feels like nobody really wants what is best for me or my child. It's one step forward, two steps back. So at some point I stop taking any steps and I stay stuck in the same position and not making any progress because it felt more comfortable. It was better than being pushed back and forth all the time. Life was very unstable. But once I stopped trying, I began to stabilize myself and my inner world became more addictive than reality. because I didn't have to deal with any push back, negativity, dismissiveness, rejection and instead I had total control over the outcome because that is what I fear in reality. I fear that the things and the outcomes that I want for my life and for other people that I care about might get rejected which is typically what I have experienced and the rejection tends to be followed by ridicule and humiligation. and an outcome that I didn't prefer. It wasn't what I wanted for myself or for my life. But I feel like at some point because it was so crushing and humiligating that I did have to develop a false sense of confidence just to even function as a person. like things were going to go in a different direction whether I wanted it to or not and I was going to be swept away with it. So I felt like I have to adjust myself. I have to go with the tide. I have to accept and follow the prevailing trends, opinions, and course of events rather than resisting them because I guess that then it wouldn't be so scary anymore because I have accepted it in my mind. And an interesting thing developed once I did this. I noticed that once I just accepted the fear instead of fighting it, people began to dip out. They would bait me into certain things and then they would disappear. So I made the connection. I connected the dots and I realized that all I have to do is accept whatever is being thrown at me because for a long time that was my problem. It was so difficult to accept. My brain didn't want to identify with a person who gets laughed at or neglected or anything like that. I just wanted things to be normal. And I wanted to live a normal life. But to live a normal life, that meant dealing with constant criticism, rejection, negativity, and push back to the point where I couldn't even think clearly anymore. I didn't even know who I was either way, regardless of what I did to push back against it, because deep down, I did feel unloved. I did feel not good enough. And I was so afraid of that version of myself being true. So I ended up living in my own head. I ended up tuning out reality because it was something I couldn't accept. I became detached from the world around me and I began to romanticize everything in my head. Everything became perfect. But people didn't like that either because they could see that I wasn't validating their reality. So then I was expected and even provoked into externalizing these idealizations onto them. But even if I was living the dream that I created in my head, it wouldn't feel as exciting or was good. People could never live up to it. So then they began to act out instead because reality is full of things that go wrong. It's full of things that aren't really romanticized. So when you've already lived this version in your heads, you've already gotten the dopamine you were after. So it feels like you've completed it. It feels like you've already got what you wanted, even when you haven't. So it causes you to become less motivated to obtain that life which you wanted in the first place. It leaves you going nowhere. And then there's all of this anxiety surrounding certain interactions or situations with people which we tend to overanalyze. So we're never really present in our lives. When it is being present in our lives which makes us appreciate our lives because that's when we could be ourselves and enjoy life. But it's difficult when we're constantly in our heads. It makes it impossible to actually appreciate anything. And I think it's because we're too self-conscious. We're too self-aware. And it's because this is how people wanted us to be. They wanted us to constantly question ourselves and doubt ourselves. That was the only way they could coexist with us. Because they already felt like they weren't good enough for us. So in order for us to be around them, we had to be in our own heads. We had to use logic to explain every feeling instead of embracing the feeling and actually living it. So it became this out of body experience watching reality play out from outside of ourselves instead of actually living in the moment and experience of life directly because it built up so much cognitive dissonance, so many conflicted beliefs, so many contradictions between who we are in our thoughts versus who we actually are in real life. So life began to feel limiting because in our heads we might be this confident perfect person but then in real life we may be shy, we may hesitate. We may think a lot before we speak and things may not go our way. People may bully us, reject us, humiliate us. And then we end up feeling disappointed because it wasn't how we wanted it to go. And then they're left feeling like something is wrong with them. So they project these unwanted parts of themselves onto us and then we become this strange or antisocial person in that engagement because the other people didn't want to own their own shortcomings. So it just makes us want to stay away from those people which then limits us because then we're not able to develop those skills. But what can really help us is deep breathing, exercise, physical movement. Because when you're dealing with people and you've already had a history of strange interactions, awkwardness, rejection, dismissiveness, or people just wanted to take the reigns on you and relishing your goodness. You may feel like you're constantly in survival mode. You're in fight or flight all the time. You freeze because you recognize that there may be a threat to your safety or continuity. So then you experience interruptions. You feel disconnected from yourself. You feel like you're frozen in time, as though time ceases to exist. And you're just in this moment. And it's like these people want to be with you forever, to just bask in your glory. This unconditional love and acceptance. And it often begins by them idealizing you, making you feel good about yourself so that you stay longer. You experience this release of dopamine, which reminds you of what you experience in your safe place inside your head. They mimic it to pull you into their realm and then they want to keep you there to give extracting this goodness out of you because they can't get it from themselves. They can't generate that from within but you can and they know that you can. They see it. That's how they're often the ones coming to you. And you may not even notice them. They have to get your attention first. They have to make you aware of them. But you don't have to do anything. They already sense it in your aura, your energy, and they want some of that. They want to contain it, control it, own it. And that is why you have to be really careful when you go into places, whether it's at the store or at the gym, because people want this from you. They crave and desire it. And the people who want it the most are often the ones who are most provocative. They intentionally design themselves in that way to elicit your attention to pull you into something you normally wouldn't want to be involved in so that they can extract this nectar from you because they need it. And they get it from you by shocking you, surprising you, freezing you. Which is why you must always incorporate some kind of movement. Keep your body loose. Keep your mind flexible. Go for a walk in nature. This is very important. You need to do it every day. And be discerning about the people you are around. Spend more time in quiet places rather than busy environments. Do not underestimate the effect that disturbed people can have on you because you may not even realize it when it's happening. And when it's happening to you, it can go on for years. It stunts your growth. It lowers your level of consciousness and awareness. And then these people just find ways to keep pulling you back into it so that you don't go anywhere and you don't question anything. And it just becomes normal to you. But once you spend some time away from it, you begin to see that this is not good for you. You just don't see it when you're already in it. It may feel completely normal. But when you're out of it and you're thinking back of what happened or what you experienced, that can often be even more traumatizing than when you're actually going through it. Because your brain shuts down. You stop thinking logically. You become emotionally numb. And the only way to resolve this is by removing yourself from these environments. Take more time to yourself. go to quiet places because living in your head is not really living. We didn't come here to live in our heads. We didn't come here to constantly be depressed about the past, anxious about the future, or even dreaming about things that are never going to happen. People induce us into these states because it feeds them, not because it benefits us. We came here to live in the moment, to be present. And when we do that, they can't get anything out of us. They need it from us because they are in denial about themselves. They don't accept themselves. So they need our constant interest and attention in order to feel normal, in order to feel alive. Essentially, we are giving them our life. And that is why after dealing with them, we feel dead inside. So engage in movement often. Keep your energy flowing throughout your body. Spend time in nature. exercise in quiet and reserved spaces. Engage with the world wherever it is safe to do so. And be aware anytime you feel like you're being pulled into something that isn't you. I hope you enjoyed this message today. Does this sound like something you have experienced in your life? Let us know about your experiences in the comments below. Hit subscribe to be notified when I upload a new video. If you would like to support the channel, like the video and you can donate by going to paypal.bsurvivor. Thanks for watching and I'll talk to you soon.