How Nervous People Can Perform Under Pressure - Steve Magness

how many Elite performers do you think have got the talent to be able to become world class but don't actually have the inside game to actualize that potential I think it's a much larger percent than we realize and I've seen it I've seen it at the junior the high school the college level athletes who were insanely talented better than those who became Olympic medalists but they just kept getting in their own way they weren't able to express that talent and I would bet you that any coach or somebody who spent enough time in this field has dozens of stories uh just like I do yeah there's uh do you know who lisis Capaldi is British singer no okay so he I mean you'll have heard his tracks he's done billions and billions of streams and um he's having a tough time mentally at the moment he we found a lot of pressure in between his first and his second album uh the as it's known the difficult second album and um had this pressure to perform wasn't really too sure whether he could live up to his own expectations and what was needed by the label and what was wanted by his management so on and so forth and he had Tourette's and he developed kind of a Tourette's tick which was his shoulder which is very common uh and a lot of anxiety came along with it and a couple of times now on very big stages I think he did this at glast last summer uh he's certainly done it in a couple of his own live shows he's choked on stage doing his own songs and you know the the anxiety's gotten so bad that he hasn't been able to get the words out to the songs that he's written doing the very thing that he wanted and I feel so bad for him because I I Adore his music and I think he's like a wonderful kind funny guy at least in as much as you can tell from someone through the internet um but I always think about him as having this unique blend of insane Talent gorgeous voice wonderful songwriting ability real insight into The Human Condition with what he sings about and how he puts it into words and lyrics and sounds and then this other side which is his performance his inner game and the challenges that he faces and the fact that his inner game is limiting his capacity and I think for most people we assume well people just aren't good enough they're not good enough at the thing that they're trying to do and so many people have got the desire and the drive and they want and they try hard and so on and so but they're just they kind of just not that good they're not world class but there's this very unique and kind of um particularly vicious category who've got it the other way around who are better than they need to be to be world class and yet don't have whatever it is the the Constitution to be able to handle the pressure the performance the anxiety the stress absolutely and it's it's interesting because you generally see it in those who have performed well either young or their first go out so like the singer you were talking about crushes the first album and then the followup often elate elicits more pressure and anxiety why because it's like the expectations rise and in fact there's there's some research on um we call it the one hit wonder effect right you have your hit you're the musician who finally has the Breakthrough and what happens is that followup is really difficult and often doesn't match and researchers studied this actually and authors and they found that one of the main reasons that that followup is so hard and there so much pressure and expectations is because our identity literally shifts before we had our hit we were the guy expressing our talent right we were the singer anding hey I'm good at this this is what I like to sing about this is what I'm going to throw into the world who cares let's see what happens once we had that hit our identity shifts to I am the singer I Am the singer that is known for being creative at this and what research tells us is that when our identity cements around that thing now anything that could potentially like throw that off is seen as our threat and our brain literally defaults towards threat mode that's why the singer you mentioned like struggles because it's he's on the stage not expressing what he knows but his brain is is is going into this is life or death like run away from here get off the stage like play dead whatever have you and that's why he chokes dude so interesting I love this area of conversation to what an unseen price of success it is your own expectation about yourself you know we talk about the price of success is the loss of privacy and um not knowing whether people are with you because they want to be your friend or because they want to be around the new hot singer or what whatever it is but your own expectation the fact that really what it seems like is in life trajectory is more important than position and if you're continuing to just get a little bit better and get a little bit better and then you have I mean two authors I don't think they'll mind me saying this like Morgan howel and Mark Manson uh both of whom have told me this and said uh yeah I'm kind of fully prepared for the rest of my career to feel like a failure I'm never going to write a book that does more than the subtle art I'm never going to write a book that does more than the psychology of money uh so even though Mark second book did I obscene numbers you know top no. no no 1% and whatever whatever it's like yeah but it's not s a lot numbers and Morgan's second book same thing same as ever really really great did great numbers he's going to do another one that'll do great numbers but he's like yeah it's not psychology and Money numbers and yeah this the reframing of any rapid success any massive success is not a cause for celebration it's a new minimum bar by which your next performance will be measured and it is now a higher ledge from you to fall back down it's it's that comparison piece I mean I was having a conversation with uh the author Ryan holiday the other day and we were saying this similar thing to what you're expressing with Mark and and he said essentially and I'm paraphrasing but he said yeah you kind of want your first book or your first thing to be like pretty good but not like off the charts good because if you're pretty good you gain some confidence you're like oh this is good I can write again I can do this again but you're not trapped by the thing and too often what happens is we have that Mega success and it's almost like we become trapped and I I'm glad that um you know Mark and the other guy you mentioned um were able to see that because to often what happens is we don't you this is what you see in you know child film stars this is what you see in athletic prodigies I mean to a lesser extent I felt this myself as an athlete I ran out a 401 mile as a high schooler and I was the number one you know Junior athlete in the United States that year in in the mile and that felt great until I realized like oh [ __ ] like I essentially am going to go down off this ledge because everybody else who was a little bit slower a little bit slower my same age is going to come for me and inevitably just based on math and the law of average is someone's going to get me and I'm now going to be second or third or fourth or fifth and I got to tell you I wasn't prepared for it and it it sends a kind of you know it just messes up your mind so it's it's almost like you want to be that trajectory piece is figure out a way how to like you know be good enough to keep going to keep exploring yeah but not so much with the you know overwhelming and one last piece I I'll add on this is you actually see this when you study um worldclass athletes who make it to the top of their sport some are prodigies right some are the LeBron James that just have the outside talent and and you know they have the other Goods with them but a lot of what the research shows is that it's often that slightly next rung down that has a lot of talent but had to like struggle and fight and like figure out how to do things that ultimately makes it because they didn't have the pressure and more so they were able to go through the struggle and the ups and downs and navigate it and figure out a way to get through which kind of created the resilience that that that allowed them to get to the top how much of this do you think is internal biological neurochemical systems and how much of this do you think is sociocultural self sense of self identity more kind of relational stuff yeah like anything it's a mix of both and we can we can see that right so on a acute level for instance we can look at some of the biological hormonal drivers that happen with choking right so for instance we have a stress response do you have more cortisol or do you have more testosterone and adrenaline we can manipulate that a little bit based on like how we frame the competition you know our confidence going into it how we're seeing it but there's also Al like underlying biology that you know depending on this Gene will affect your stress reactivity right so some people are born essentially like hyperresponders to stress and go more cortisol and some people aren't and like that helps them perform Under Pressure but I do think that on the flip side the social cultural aspect I think is more important now than ever because what we know about this choking is that people don't choke in practice they choke when they're on stage and research psychology research tells us that part of that is because the public expectation and perception like is one of our biggest uh threat like responders triggers and nowadays if you think about it even for the youngest developing we're almost all on stage at some point that stage could be social media Instagram or Tik Tok or what have you but that didn't exist you know 30 years ago you weren't practicing your craft or promoting your craft to everybody else you're just practicing on the field or track or in the you know Auditorium by yourself without too many people judging so I think in a way we have this biology that is kind of loaded to help or hinder us but we've got this social cultural kind of global world when we were meant to be local that has just like pulled the trigger and said like screw it you're all gonna deal with this pressure to an enormous degree and have to figure it out explain dig deep for me on how pressure impacts performance you know we're talking about choking here which I Define choking let's let's get into the weeds neurobiology of pressure performance all of that stuff yeah absolutely so uh pressure is just this it's it's how we react to stress so we can interpret that in multiple different ways but when we look at stress it's not good or bad it's just our brain making a prediction for how do we handle the challenge before us and I've talked about cortisol and testosterone and adrenaline and the best way to think about it is this we have a bunch of levers we can pull but from a hormonal standpoint from a nervous system standpoint um and from like a psychological standpoint and which lever we pull depends on our brain kind of saying like huh what's going to have help us survive this situation so that's why if we look at stress or pressure a little bit helps us perform well right we don't run our fastest in practice we have to do it in a competition why because that pressure increases our what we call physiological arousal which says Hey body prime your muscles to perform give me a little nervous energy or adrenaline to get my mind sharp and to essentially uh enhance the signal to noise ratio so we can see what we have to do clear and the feedback coming in that helps us perform clear but what happens if we go too far or we pull the levers that our brain goes like hey standing up on that stage is is going to be like a life or death event like if you mess up your career is over if that's the case your brain's just going to go like good we'll make sure you don't get up there and that's what all that anxiety or that fear or that rumination that you know I don't want to be here comes from so the bottom line is like stress isn't good or bad it's just meant to prepare but the degree of it so how much we feel and then the direction of it meaning is it directed towards you know seeing the thing as a challenge that I can take on and over over come or is it directed towards this is a threat and I need to avoid or protect and protect could mean physically but more so it means like you know protect my ego my sense of self from being embarrassed or damaged how do we what determines the direction that that goes in so a number of things again some of it is like our biology and genetics but a large part of it is again come back to that brain is predictive what evidence is it using to predict so if we're taking on a you know some sort of task or Pursuit it's essentially um are we prepared for the demands that we're going to face so if I sign up for marathon and I've put in all the training and I've got a coach and I've followed my training program and I've done the work my my body rightfully says on the starting line a marathon's going to kind of suck no matter what but we can see that you've prepared therefore we're g to go a little bit more challenge instead of threat If instead off of a lark or I I think you know what I'm a runner I got this and I don't train and I show up your body is smarter than you you might try and fake it until you make it but it's not going to work your biology is going to go yeah yeah you're not prepared like think threat we're going to try and convince you to drop out of this race by feeling overwhelming anxiety so large a large part of what way we go depends on you know are we prepared for the the demands of the task so that means accurate appraisal of you yourself what you're capable of and what you've done and then accurate appraisal of the task itself like what is this going to challenge and then the last part that plays a big role is essentially is the juice worth the squeeze meaning like what are the risks and rewards here the rewards you know could be intrinsic could be extrinsic but like what benefit do I get from this and then what's the risk if if it is literally I fail at this task and it's my job we go to threat mode if it's I I lose this game and yeah that sucks but I'm not a professional athlete or my life or career isn't dependent on this I'll be more likely to go to challenge mode because like the threat is low and the reward is probably higher what was that study that they did with rugby players where they manipulated people that spoke to them before the event before a match something like that yeah so there's been a lot of fascinating work on Rugby um in this where they look at all this stuff and a couple of different studies but one of my favorite is this is that they took rugby players and they essentially um sat them down for a game and had them either prepare or look at what they did wrong the last game with uh a friend or a coach or a stranger okay and when they sat down and looked at what they did wrong so that they could improve you know going into this game when they did it with a stranger qutis all goes through the roof testosterone plummets when they did it with a friend or you know coach of who's supportive testosterone goes up cortisol goes down but most interestingly to me is this is if that stranger was a big dude so not skinny distance Runner Steve but you know linebacker cortisol goes up through the freaking roof even more than right okay even more than if it was a skinny stranger why because like a big stranger is way more intimidating so our brain reads the room in environment and says like this dude is big I don't know who he is we're watching me suck right now brain default to threat mode and then presumably looking at your successes before is that better than looking at your successes with a coach or with a friend is that even better than looking at your failures yeah absolutely so we have these sensitive windows so these sensitive periods before and after games or matches or that we we care about a performance of some kind yeah performance of some and essentially what our brain is going on this Mission looking for like evidence are we prepared or should I hit the eject button and right before a game you're super sensitive where it's like anything that it picks up is going to be highly valued so if we look at the things that we did well or the successes or the our plays the last game where you know we performed at a high level then what happens is it puts us in that challenge mode because our brain goes okay yeah we are prepared for this we've had success before like release the testosterone and adrenaline take it on so we have to be very careful and this is why actuality um gosh several years ago I I spoke with the NBA team and uh you know we we talked about all this stuff and it came down to one of their biggest problems was this is at halftime their players were going into the locker room and the first thing they did was get on their phone and scroll through social media right and they're on social media what do you think is on X you know about soand so player it's like you're trash and they they'd come out and they'd be flat you know out of halftime and you're like well of course you know they're priming their minds with you suck like you're doing horrible so we have to be really freaking careful especially in that performance Zone of what we're feeding our brains so this is a a very permeable window what probably an hour maybe before to an hour after something like that um is there anything else I really want to get into you know how people can prime themselves more effectively how we can interject how we can what we can do in these moments before and during a performance um but is there anything else to say on the sort of neurobiology of of of what's going on yeah I mean there's always stuff it's fascinating I I I think the the biggest thing that I I take away is or the other thing that is really important here is um our our mindset impacts things too so our what we're thinking can impact where our biology goes and I know that sounds a little woooo but it's it's true and one of the ways that they've they've shown this is how we read the feedback coming in so what I mean by this is we all know we feel like anxious at some point before performance but whether we label that and interpret it as this is my body getting my me prepared or this is my body like freaking out will shift like a the interpretation but B will also have an impact on the like Downstream hormonal consequences on which way we go so the way I like to think about all this stuff is it's all kind of interconnected it's again your think of your brain as saying like I have all this information in the world and I have all these levers I can pull and which way I go I'm going to get go based on our experience so what I know from the past that has worked but also all the information coming in so you as the athlete or the performer can influence that so how you're looking at you know or remembering what worked in the past a sets the stage your expectations set the stage and then B the information sources is you're taking in this is why you know this is why athletes use hype songs sometimes or like whatever have you because that shifts that information Source from being like you know I I'm I'm anxious to like let's get pumped let's go and in certain situations like that shifts our biology to be ready to perform better the only recent uh analogous situation that I've had is I was doing some live shows I've done um like solo live shows it's two hours of me on stage in front of audiences from we started at 40 people and then we moved up to three and a half thousand so I did I really ran the full gamut where you can see the whites of their eyes and you basically can see nobody and um one of the things that I needed to do as part of preparation is I need to get my tongue warmed up I need to be thinking about the material I need to I I in terms of the uh physiology of the mouth I need to actually be warm and um a couple of times I tried a series of vocal warm-ups give to me by my speech coach and then one of the nights I think it was one of the London shows I just had a dressing room filled with people until 5 minutes before I was going to go on stage and we were just talking shooting the [ __ ] coming up with ideas oh what you think's going to happen with Trump and blah blah blah and um I was like [ __ ] like I forgot to warm up I went out and everything was the most Lucid it had been because I achieved the outcome that I wanted that was my hype song that was the equivalent of my hype song and uh I've got some friends in bands and they can do precisely the same thing they can have sort of a very like isolated hyper autistic broken down vocal warm-up thing or they can just put a playlist on of songs they love and sing to it as they get dressed and um yeah I I think that equivalent is true on the framing thing or I guess the story that you tell yourself this is such a funny story but I think it's funny I I was on an assault bike about three months ago and um I'd finished finished this workout doing a Norwegian 4x4 thing and heart rate's coming back down it's at sort of 150 145 or something now peeking at whatever 160 170 so I'm coming back down and then like bam it's as if someone put a piece of burnt toast directly under my nose and like I I remember that from school it's like burnt toast you're having a stroke and I felt really dizzy I had this ringing in my ears and obviously very very panicky so I got off the bike and I sat down and it this smell of it was the strongest smell of toast I've ever had directly I was like I'm dying this is it this is how I go on the floor of on it gym in Austin Texas this is how I'm going to be a [ __ ] vegetable for the rest of my life or whatever and uh anyway it passed I went in to get CT scan I went in to get like a brain angiogram with contrast all of this stuff and uh there was nothing it wasn't a a transient es schemi attack it wasn't a stroke it wasn't anything uh it seems like it was maybe a migraine with aura and the aura for some people is visual for some people it's all Factory for some people it's sound whatever uh but it was really really scary and I have this thing in the back of my mind I'm like well maybe it was maybe it was a stroke and they've missed it maybe it was a TIA and they've missed it or whatever so I'm mean I'm in a car I mean the back of a London Cab in November one day before the live show a couple of days before the live show last year in the back of a cab and like bam I just smell popcorn the strongest smell of popcorn immediately my heart rate goes through the roof like holy [ __ ] it's happening again I knew I knew that it wasn't some weird migraine thing brought on by whatever me training like I know that I'm broken like this is the beginning of the end for me this is how I die I die in the back of a London taxi cab smelling popcorn and then I hear this sound and it's the [ __ ] taxi driver rustling his hand in a bag of popcorn hidden between him and the door and is that popcorn he says yeah sorry do you want would you like some like no and immediately my heart rate comes straight back down all of the panic I had I found it hilarious I'm like giggling to myself in the back thinking I thought that was dying this bloke just wanted to have some butter kissed or whatever it is and um yeah the story that you tell yourself highly determinant of uh what's going on physiologically uh first off I'm glad everything's okay but yeah me too you know second off that's that illustrates perfectly how our brain works and there's so many crazy studies that show this or experiences we've all had similar things to like that one of my favorites is there it was years ago some psychologists did a study on um on on drinking essentially like a a milkshake right and they just switched they just had different labels like one said you know ice cream milk shake and the other said like Nutrition Shake right they were the same freaking drinks but the one labeled like milkshake when they when they drank it like their little hormone typ forget exactly I think it was Gin the satiety hormone shifted differently than when it was the you know labeled as the healthy shake and again same calories same everything just the label affected affected our literal biological reaction and I think too often we we kind of just like shrug this off but it's how it's of course it's how our brain works it's just like this little thing in our head that has to use that external sensory information or internal feedback to decide well how am I supposed to make sense of this so if everything in the world is sending and telling you like there's that smell again you're having a heart attack it's over this is it of course your brain has G to be like Sound the Alarm like make him feel all the anxiety in the world shoot his heart rate through the roof we don't really experience the world like we don't experience it directly what we experience is our own nervous system telling us what that world means and uh yeah it's fascinating you mentioned as well before I'm opening my uh coat to find that I've got no nickers on underneath uh biologically or or uh medically today in any case I did a uh full genome test uh a little while ago awesome so fascinating and then I actually fed it into chat GPT and I'd already had a consultation with the with the doctors and stuff like that and it was really interesting a lot of it's to do with psychological disposition how you clear dopamine adrenaline cortisol all of this stuff now and I've been having conversations with chat GPT learning about the building blocks of myself and um yeah it turns out that I clear CAU is all very slowly very sort of dopamine epinephrine norepinephrine dominant um so the classic overthinking overachiever uh very driven to do stuff and terrified he's not going to make it work and uh yeah I you know as you were saying there there's certain people I I asked Chad GPT what would be an awesome job for me to have and what would be a terrible job for me to have and uh for the terrible job would be some like um a sniper or a a a Frontline infantryman because just the ability to get yourself up to that level of arousal and then bring yourself back down you it's just it's not there for you and um I I completely see what you mean that we have certain people are built for certain things and we often find our way there in any you don't know why but you just tend to enjoy slightly slower music you don't know why but you always tend to sort of jiggle your foot when you're sat and you're happy and you're chilling out in an evening time but somebody else is is sat completely static whatever it might be our nervous systems and our bodies seem to just be able to arrive at the place that is most efficient and kind of normal for us and um yes sometimes we try to force Square pegs into round holes go hey man you if you want to be cool as a cucumber when you've got to take a a three-point shot on the you know as the buzz is counting down your body do you're kind of not built for that tell you what you are built for though x y and Zed and uh yeah it's ruthless when you kind of get that I don't know like like we could call it the Capaldi effect you know somebody who wants a thing and their nervous system really is not built for the thing that they want to achieve even if that Talent is yeah I I think this is the it's often we see Talent as like physical gifts right you look at me and you're like oh of course you're not going to be a worldclass weightlifter right and if I tried to I could train really hard and get better at it but I'm not my jeans aren't aren't built that way right and I think the classic 5 foot five person trying to be in the NBA yeah exactly like we have to understand that and and to a degree our psychology you know these underlying things as you said dopamine adrenaline all that stuff it is we have different sensitivities now I I'm not trying to be super deterministic here because there's room to wedge and grow within this and what I would say is working with Elite athletes is I've seen or Elite performers I've seen a lot of people who I'm like oh you probably are like the stressed out you know overthinker are we going to get you to perform in the clutch they're never going to be I don't know Michael Jordan but what they can do is get better at that skill if you acknowledge like hey here's your Tendencies and I can't just tell you hey try to be like Michael Jordan no we got to accept some of this we got to accept it you're gonna be more nervous you're gon to be more like hyp sensitive to this stress this is just who you are but let's develop some coping strategies or some like different uh tools tools that allow you to at least you know be okay on on game day when it's ready to go okay dig in we need to interject everyone screaming saying this is me I get nervous before the presentation for work I keep choking when I'm playing soft local league softball or whatever it might be uh because there's a hot girl that plays on our team and I'm terrified that she's going to think I'm a wimp um what are the most evident space strategies of how we can reframe this stuff take us through yeah so there's a ton of different directions and what I'll say is that um the in the research tends to bear this out and practice is that there's nothing that works for everybody basically you got to find what works for you so the best method is trial and error on seeing what clicks we can attack this from a number of different ways I think the simplest ones are when you're in that moment what I call is like you've got to figure out how to like disrupt and realign kind of where your nervous system is going and there's tricks we can use for instance if you just feel that overwhelming anxiety and stress one of the simplest tricks to use is literally dunk your head or Splash your head with cold water why because we have this thing called the diving reflex which whenever we get splashed or our face goes into cold water heart rate tends to drop nervous system shifts from sympathetic to parasympathetic sympathetic and we relax so simple easy tool to do that other things that tend to work and what res Arch tells us is how we focus can shift this stress response in both directions so for instance if you feeling overwhelmed and and nervous what research tells us is if we can go broad focused meaning think of like looking at the Horizon rather than you know focused on a spot on the wall what that does is it tends to shift us into um a lower stress load it shifts our body saying okay we're not narrowed we're not stressed alternatively and this is going to sound contradictory but I think it gets at the Nuance of what this stuff um entails and how it works if you are standing uh you know about to take a penalty kick in football or soccer right one of the best things you can do is narrow as much as you can on where you're going to shoot because that will send the message that like yes this is important we can't deny it I'm going to block out the rest of the voice and everything that's going on and just focus on this thing and what research tells us is is that that longer slightly longer gaze will allow us to perform at a higher level so the the gist I'm getting at here is and there's a lot is that what we're trying to do is figure out where our nervous system lies and then say okay how can we nudge or manipulate it so it's a a place where we can be productive and most of that relies on either turning down the volume so that we don't feel super overwhelmingly stressed or alternatively giving it a focus point or something to do this is where routines come into play and why they work because if you have that routine it's it's you're giving your brain something to focus on and say okay forget all this overwhelming nonsense over here I'm you know put on my shoes this way etc etc um but it's those two directions that tend to go or tend to help the best okay dig into some more practices in those for me yeah absolutely so I think um so let's look at when we talk about routines so the important the important Point here is and you kind of touched on this earlier is we want the routine to gradually build us to where we're ready to perform at the task at hand so what does that mean gradually build us physiologically and psychologically physiologically what it means is getting us our body whatever you're doing ready to perform warmed up all that stuff psychologically that routine is supposed to build towards giving you the confidence to do the task at hand I'll give you a quick quick there's a study and then um some stuff that came out of a a performance coach uh who works in the NFL who I'm good friends with who told me this he said when we when our routine includes practicing something that we're good at we tend to get that bump in testosterone when we practice something that we're not quite good at that we have a little doubt on we tend to get more cortisol so the example that that I'll use from research is coming from uh women's field hockey Olympic level if the forwards practice shooting goals they got the bump in testosterone if they practice defending they got the bump in cortisol why because if you're a forward you're used to trying to score so apply that to your own life when you're looking at how am I preparing you know for the task at H am I reinforcing with my routine the things that I'm I'm good at and I'm comfortable at maybe practicing the SE session sections of the speech or you know the drums that I've got down or are you going over and over again like oh no this is where I'm going to screw up I better asist that will shift your psychology the time to work on the stuff you're not good at was hours and days okay you just got to go with it and aw and the last thing I'll say and this kind of ties into routines and it ties back to what you said about being around friends the biggest cheat you have is to be around others because the research is very clear we we evolved to share the load so there's this psychological theory called social Baseline Theory which essentially says that you know we Outsource part of our emotional regulation so if it's us alone we can't Outsource that regulation where we have the entire burden and if you think back when we're I don't know thousands of years ago on the Savannah it makes sense because if you were alone when you were out hunting or gathering you were screwed right if you're with your tribemates and a lion pops up or a tiger or what have you you at least have some sort of shot so we evolved to Outsource things and what some fascinating research has shown is that where um you know our emotional state will go where those around us go so in sport if a Coach is losing his mind on the sideline research tells us that players will feel more anxiety and pressure if he's calm cool and collected and looks confident even if he maybe isn't but looks confident on Seline players feel more confident and have more positive emotions around them and the last thing I'll say on this this part which I is the most fascinating part to me is a group of researchers several groups took individuals and they stuck them at the bottom of a steep hill and they said essentially how steep do you think this hill is and do you want to run up it when they're alone they would say this hill is you know 20° hell no that sucks when they were with a friend they would judge the hill to be 7 degrees you know shallower and you're like yeah it's fine this this same research has been replicated in lifting weights or lifting heavy boxes when you're with others you judge the box to be to you guess that it weighs less right and what researchers say is that that the sense of belonging or connection helps make the difficult seem more manageable because we know that we have someone else there that's going to have our back if you know we fall short I mentioned I've been hanging around with some bands recently and I was on tour while they were on tour and it was so interesting cuz I you know had tour manager and I had the videographer and all the rest of the stuff but they're busy they've got [ __ ] to do and they're not on stage with me and with the show the team and the editors and stuff it's cool or whatever but it's largely just me steeping in my own Neurosis looking at notes and thinking about what I want to ask Steve later on today and whatever and um you don't really share that burden the weight uh you don't laugh at the difficult times you don't cry at the sad ones you don't the there's no sort of collective FF sence or whatever going on and then my friends that are in band they're just living and breathing it together they haven't showered for 36 hours uh the the the sound kit didn't arrive until one minute before they were about to go on stage and they didn't even get to sound check but they they styled it out and dude that was so sick that was so cool that we did the thing and um it just really made me think huh that bands have really sort of got this locked in from a creative perspective because you know how many people are Elite athletes that are listening but I think people are kind of closer to bands in that they maybe have some sort of Jey presentation shared kind of outcome goal thing that's maybe not actually super physical it's maybe a little bit more creative and uh yeah they've got it they've got it dialed and I guess as well this also kind of explains the beauty of the clubhouse after the game that you get to bring into land the either successful or difficult experience with the people that were on the sidelines and the coaches and the rest of the players and maybe some family members and you get to work out what did this all mean as opposed to just telling self stories and allowing your own nervous system to run away with itself yeah I mean it it will and there's research on this it will fundamentally shift how we deal with failure or setbacks or losses so if we're with others in that like band situation or a team after a after a game and we're all you know eating in the locker room and we bring our family in if we do that we handle failures and losses much better and again some research shows we get that test testosterone increase and cortisol decline instead of if we're alone that cortisol increase that testosterone decline why because like we're around others there's a whole field that it's called social recovery that looks at an athletic performance not the like ice bass or the foam roller foam rolling or the gadgets that help for recovery but how being around other people literally helps us physically perform it's the secret of uh you know the San Antonio Spurs the basketball team uh phenomenally successful for for a long period of time it's why their coach Greg papovich like would Institute these these after game team dinners and again I talked to some other NBA teams and they're like oh we tried the team dinners no one showed up um I'm like okay but the point is that socializing with others like helps us recover and there's hormonal reason for this too when we socialize with others we get a boost in the hormone oxytocin what we know is oxytocin works against cortisol so it like dampens down that effect so that it doesn't run away so instead of stewing over the loss we're over it relatively quickly and then we can learn and grow from it where in you know your or I profession if we're standing on stage we're kind of screwed because we don't have that well I mean you know I think there's an integration at least I tried to make a change with this and I'm trying to do it more with the show as well which is to create that sort of social cohesion you know I'm it's kind of weird because you don't want to mandate people it's like hey come hang out with me so I don't feel too nervous or whatever but that's kind of what you're saying you're saying hey we've all got a bunch of things to do everybody's feeling the pressure in this situation let's go and do it one other interesting element I don't know if this ports across but uh I was was reading a book called your brain on Love by Stan tkin neurobiology of attachment and and relationships and in it he talks about why it's very important uh to resolve conflict very quickly and he basically uses this example that when your threat response is elevated for a extended period of time it moves into long-term memory and that kind of gets taken down into the body and I have to imagine that there's something similar going on here which is you a bad game and then you think about it for ages and you never dissipate it using that social support system and then next time that you come along to play you've got this predisposition to that kind of arousal and that's what's in your head as opposed to just being like hey man [ __ ] happens you know [ __ ] like you were tired or whatever this this and this you you thought you played bad do you see me when I did that thing um so yeah I I imagine that that moving from Quick resolution to long-term memory thing is is so important it it's the same exact thing and this is why you see you know sometimes the reaction especially in American football where after a Lo loss like coaches just light into the athletes and players what does that do does that resolve it quickly no it makes you feel like [ __ ] for a long time you go home and like my coach hates me I got to figure this out and it keeps you in that and then it that moves it to that long-term memory and coming back to what we said all the way at the beginning like the brain is predictive and when you're standing there you know about to start that next game if that's in your long-term memory that is what your brain is using to prepare so similar to you smelling the popcorn your brain's G to be like I've been on this field before like I've seen that coach before I know what's gonna happen and you just shrink right I imagine the implications for the well-meaning but overenthusiastic and overly critical Sports parent here are just like replete you know that's that's one of my favorite uh topics to deal with but absolutely because it's even more I think important because there you're not just ingraining like long-term memory for an adult right you're ingraining like the patterns of how to handle stress failure competition for essentially a lifetime because primary caregiver yeah from your from the person who matters most in your life and this is where it can go all wrong I mean so my wife is a elementary school teacher so we go to way too many you know Elementary School soccer and football and baseball games because her her kids all ask her to show up and that's where I'm just like holding my hand over my mouth so I don't say anything because there are so many instances where I'm like oh dear God this is this is where this is where those kids who I used to deal with coaching college and professional athletes this is where that fear is developed right here in front of me on that you know eight-year-old soccer pitch yeah little Timmy is going to come back in 10 years with an AK-47 and actually shoot up this entire school I'm afraid father you've caused this issue to happen it wasn't him it wasn't him being radicalized by fortan it was you it was you and how hard you pushed him when he was eight years old playing soccer yeah I I dude uh I've seen it I've seen it a number of times and it's strange right because you think well I'm passionate I want my child to do well or I want my team to do well or I want my whatever and it's one of those situations where if you're in a position of leadership Authority uh if you're a coach of some kind if you're a caregiver you need to put your own nervous system to one side it's like it doesn't matter about how you feel right now what are we here to do we're here to facilitate the performance of that person that's in front of you and if you're stressed you can deal with it afterward or you can deal with it behind the scenes the person that needs to go out there and perform you need to get out of the way and help them and that permeable membrane period that you have an hour before an hour after something like that if you're in the car I mean the classic backseat of the car conversation you're driving home and what do you they they know that they failed or they know that things didn't go well what are you going to do drive it home that that's spoton and this is the make or break part for you sport in fact there's some research that shows that something like in the US 70% of kids who try Sports quit by the age of 13 and if you look at why one of the main contributors is fear of failure from an important adult meaning a coach or a parent has like instilled this fear of failure so much that some 12-year-old says like you know what I used to enjoy playing softball but screw it I don't want to deal with that feeling and then you've You've Lost That kid not only from something that is important maybe to them that they enjoyed but I also think in today's world you've lost them from like some sort of physical activity that could have set them up for like this is normal to do in life talk to me about the role that failure plays in shaping our true identity I mean it's how we internalize things so our identity is shaped through um kind of a a a phase of exploration this is why when we're young like our identity kind of bounces around like when you're Elementary School sometime you go home from school and you say hey I'm a firefighter today I want to be a policemen right you're in a heavy exploration phase as we age we move a little bit more from exploration to commitment why because we need some sort of secure sense of self but what happens is that that sticking ourselves in the arena where we're exposing ourselves to see exposing whether we're good enough or not right and we have to face some sort of challenge or potentially failure those are those Keystone moments that allow us to kind of like shape the rest of our identity on whether we're going to be like resilient or to degree fragile so failure comes in here and it essentially says how are you going to internalize this story are you going to internalize the story as I'm Steve who you know can bounce back from these things can take on challenges who yes cares about the wins or losses but like also cares about you know the team and the experience I have and the exploration of am I getting better at this thing and the dedication to it or am I going to internalize this story as not that I failed at this thing but I am a failure and whenever we internalize it as I am a failure and I need to it pushes us to protect our sense of self and we go into like what I'd call avoidant instead of resilient mode what are some ways that people can I mean you know that again we're talking kind of about reframing but are there any other strategies where I in fact here's another one the fear of failur not only dealing with failure but dealing with the fear so haven't even failed yet uh but you've got this very visceral concern that it might happen what are some ways that people can step in before and can uh be better at reframing after yeah so I think before you have to look at where that's coming from because that fear is coming from someplace and often it's someone e external to you so I'll I'll use some examples from my own coaching world is I've worked with athletes who are adults who are college age High performers who would be lights out when we traveled and their parents weren't there but at a home competition would just choke because their parents weren't were there and what you realized is tying back to that youth sports thing is they had this fear of failure coming up because they wanted to impress their mom or dad so much because their mom or dad essentially validated them through their athletic performance so in that case what do you have to do you have to say okay how do we detach this a little bit how do we create a little bit of space okay and actually the research whether it's from parent or not where it comes from matters the other part is again how do we create space there there's research that shows that while caring deeply about a Pursuit is important to get you driven if you care so deeply that it becomes essentially a uni dimensional self meaning I am a writer and that is all I am we're going to experience fear or failure at a much higher rate and choke at a higher rate it's like investing your entire stock portfolio into one company big up you so what do you have to do in stocks you diversify it's the same when it comes to your sense of self and failure so again research tells us is if you have what psychologists call self-c complexity meaning you recognize and realize that you know maybe you're a dad you're a husband you're a runner you're a writer you're a creative you have all these different facets and all will vary in their importance but all are a part of you then if you fail at one you're going to be more resilient and back bounce back quicker this is why there's research that shows that um athletes with Hobbies tend to be more resilient Under Pressure than athletes who don't have hobbies it's why if you look at there's a long study on Nobel prizewinning scientists that found that Nobel prize winning scientists were more likely to have a serious hobby or Leisure activity than those who were aong or two below who never reached that top wow and and part of it is because it makes you more resilient because like again it's not the end of the world it hurts a lot but it's not the end of the world so it brings your it brings your level of focus down into that goldilock zone the amount of pressure that you've put on yourself yeah fascinating man I mean God how counterintuitive in many ways as well and this is where um I have I'm increasingly sort of becoming disenchanted with the hard work fixes all ills approach that just working harder bro a lot of the time results in you making your performance worse and creating these odd psychological scars or or perspectives of how you see the thing that you do and what you actually need to do is to smoke some weed and play Nintendo switch that would that would be highly rejuvenative for you or you need to take up some sort of a hobby you need to diversify that selfworth um I love Tim Ferris said something similar he said that um he needed that the moment where he started to feel better about him himself is when he realized he wasn't just a podcaster or an author he was lots of these other things too that came along for the ride and even more than that how much of it gives you a perspective on the world that even if it's not just this is where I take my source of identity from it reminds you that there's other things out there even if they're not your sources of identity so it reminds you that ahuh look at the look at the huge range of different lives that people lead and I mine's kind of good I told you I just got back from Jamaica and Kingson Jamaica isn't exactly the most salubrious of surroundings there's a fair bit of poverty there and some crime and I wasn't going to use the ATMs in downtown for fear of whatever and you looking around and thinking wow look at all of the different routes that people's lives go down how varied things could be and I kind of like my life that's that's pretty good whereas if you're just permanently stuck in Instagram real comparison de genen mode you don't get that that same kind of perspective you only get it moving in One Direction it it stress tends to narrow us and when it's perspective do it zooms us back out and we need both right we need to be able to go narrow and say like hard work I'm going to work hard of course hard work matters but if we only narrow and we go narrow and narrow identity shrinks um hard work is the answer to everything like the thing that made us good is going to be our our enemy and I'll I'll validate what you said on essentially you know playing Nintendo switch I don't know about smoking weed for athletes I can't tell them to they might get banned but you know um what we see there is that with about I would say 90% of the lead athletes that I've worked with I've had to get them to go in the other direction they're already good at being obsessive yeah what you have to do is get them to let go and however you can get them not let go fully but they're never going to be able to let go fully because they're like performers who are Strivers but if you get them to let go just to touch that's where it comes through and actually in the book I tell the story of of Tony Hawk who his friend um and fellow skateboarder told him when he was stuck he said risk not winning which essentially meant like hey dude let go of the achievements and trying to do the thing and just get back to skating and that's when he did his famous 900 trick because like often the thing that we're good at like traps us and narrows us and we got to go in the other direction to you know break through what does it look like to move from a mindset of protection to one of exploration I mean essentially what it is is it's being open to novelty it's being open to failure it's being open to shifting and seeing your perspective it's kind of the way I would explain it is it's it's kind of going back in having almost like recess for adults because if you look at exploration exploration is the heart of play right so I have two toddlers girls and if you look at how they learn they essentially are just exploring the world and dabbling with different things and jumping off stuff that they shouldn't jump off but getting hurt and not that bad and what that does is it allows them to figure out how the world works and where the paths are that they can go explore more and I think as adults what happens is our identity cements we get known for one thing we're really good at one thing so we feel you know comfortable in that that situation but when we feel comfortable in it we default towards protection and avoidance and what we need to do in our life is have things that give us back a little of that sense of play so as a writer that mean might mean you know don't just research things for your next book or your next article go read interesting things maybe that means fiction right yeah what do you what do you want to read what do you want to write about right it it it's that not what does social media tell me I should do at and then I think other things are are perspective shifters so there's a large body of research that tells us that getting out in nature right shifts us into exploration mode right it tells us doing interesting things so there's some research on on dating that shows that dates that are what we call or what psychologists call more self-expansion ourself to you know be open to getting to know this person sitting across from us so the answer for exporation to me is like do perspective changing things and do real things in the real world that make you feel alive yeah what's the role of values and goals and and and sort of the the clarity around that stuff is that important yeah to a degree it is like goals serve two purposes they're motivators and then they tell us what to focus on or what's important um what research tells us there was a big meta analysis that came out actually not too long ago that showed us that process goals work pretty well and that outcome goals really aren't tied to Performance which is kind of counterintuitive but the reason there is because often those outcome goals are motivating for simple things that we can easily achieve but once it becomes difficult those outcome goals is essentially become like glaring uh signs that tell you that like you haven't achieved what you want yet so instead oh wow yeah you've posited an ideal and then you compare yourself to that ideal and inevitably you find yourself lacking right it's it's you've set this huge standard and of course when you're looking up at it it stops being inspirational or aspirational and it starts telling you that like you're not good enough and you may never be good enough so instead using process goals which are essentially like what are the steps that I need to take to give me a shot those tend those tend to work well and if we look at values values are important um but what's really interesting to to me is that a lot of the research tells us that that our values tend to go where our environment goes or our our groups or belonging ghosts so the most important thing is yeah know what you value but the most important thing is probably surround yourself with people who value similar things whether that's like hard work or connection or drive or you know fairness whatever it is that matters to you your values are going to go where they where that group tends to go there's a a a beautiful summary of a philosophy article I was reading recently that said goals are intentions not attachments they provide Direction not a destination uh and I thought that was just such a wonderful reframe you know the the process over outcome thing has been popularized ever since James Clear sold a billion bucks but um it's something that we regularly need to kind of even with myself you know there's so much dopamine available when you think about a big goal that you're working toward and it's all excitable as opposed to one step toward the goal is nothing it's smaller than nothing um so I guess one other element that is kind of interesting that's much more normal is perfectionism and self-sabotage in just normal daily life the way that we go about things the story We Tell kind of the the micro insults that we we bestow on ourselves that I imagine do sort of damage our selfworth and our confidence and maybe they bleed out into the big things um but how can people overcome that self sabotage and that perfectionism in in normal daily life yeah so one of it is I I think the big part on this is uh defining success in defining your comparison point so what is success to mean to you because perfectionism at at its heart is like this idea that like in order to feel you know valid I have to achieve X Y and Z and do it in X Y and Z way right it's that perfectionism peace and what research tends to tell us is is that the higher the level of perfectionism the higher likelihood of self-sabotage and choking at sport um as well so what we need to do is get really clear on okay like let's shift the bar right shift the comparison piece on like what matters how am I defining success what does success look for me in this endeavor and then like what is my comparison piece or what am I how am I measuring that along the way and essentially the way I like to look at it is move from Perfection to some sort of Mastery or some research in sport calls it like shifting from Perfection to uh Excellence because Excellence is still very good but it comes without that negative uh inclination of like everything has to work out perfectly to uh to get there so is that just a mental reframing is that just the story you tell yourself or there other sort of interventions yeah so a lot of the perfectionism is is in is a reframing but the other part of it is is what I'd call um you know interventions that put you in a place where you do something wrong or not up to your perfectionist is perfectionist standards and have to sit with that so it's almost like dealing with anxiety and realizing that it's going to be okay I mean this is at the heart of treating things like OCD where you know after you have a you know intrusive thought what do you do you have to do some sort of tick uh to suit that thought at the heart of perfectionism although it's different there's a lot of similarities which is like if I don't get do this exactly the way that I want I have this intrusive anxiety that pushes me to go back and do the thing so to deal with it we have to do the same thing that we do with OCD which is essentially in very small lights be imperfect stare at that thing that is imperfect and sit with it until that anxiety dissipates and you realize it's it's gon to be okay like I need to leave it I'm still here nobody died the world still hasn't thrown me out yeah fascinating Steve you're you're awesome man I your depth of insight into psychology is is sick I'm so glad that you're doing your work and and continuing to get it out to everyone where do you want to send people they're going to want to check out everything that you're doing yeah so you can check out the book win the inside game wherever books are sold Amazon Barnes & noville all that stuff and then I'm on social media X Instagram YouTube all at Steve Magnus where I just talk about you know the mental and physical side of performance all day because that's what I like to nerd out about dude you're great you're you're really really fantastic so let's run this back soon uh I appreciate you good luck with the the rest of every and good luck managing two small nightmare girls that are presumably running rings around you that is my life right now I'm just trying to survive no thriving going on but I appreciate you Chris godp speed so see you next time do you think that your algorithm on YouTube is a bit of a God is able to know things about you that you don't know about yourself well the YouTube gods have selected this episode specifically for you bespoke so go and go and check it out