have i changed my mind on having kids? moving? body changes & snark culture... (let's catch up)

[music] [singing] [music] [laughter] [music] >> Well, hello everybody. Welcome back to another vlog. I am just getting back in the swing of things after our family was here for the last week. We had so much fun. We literally went to the beach every single day. It was like a true summer vacation vibe. Like every day we were packing a beach bag, going to the beach, spending the day at the beach, coming back from the beach, washing our stuff, cooking dinner, next morning wake up, pack our beach stuff, put our sunscreen on, go back to the beach and do it all over again. And then I actually bookended that with two beach days with the girls. So as you guys saw in the last vlog, I went to the beach with my friends Alexa and Emma. And then yesterday I spent all day at the beach with Alexa for her birthday. And so it was just really fun and so much beach time. My job is beach at this point, I guess. I am also truly so tired. I'm a little bit low energy today, so I thought for today's vlog it would be fun to do a little catch up, a little Q&A. I asked you guys like maybe a week or so ago to send me some questions that you may have on Instagram and I thought that I would answer those for you. So let's get comfortable. The fan is going to piss me off being in the background, so let's find a little cozy spot to sit and we will answer your questions. I have therapy in an hour, so this is a perfect amount of time to answer your questions before then. Starting from the very beginning, someone said, "My husband and I are new Love Islanders. Which season do you recommend us starting from UK version?" I'm so glad you asked. Thank you so much for trusting me with this. I'm going to recommend watching season 5 first. Some people say like watch it straight from the beginning. I also have to caveat this by saying I haven't seen the first two seasons, but I've seen seasons 3 through 13, so I've seen 10. It is truly spectacular. Season 5 still is the best season in my opinion. It's the season that gave us Molly-Mae and Tommy. It's the season that gave us Amber. It's the season that gave us Hurricane Anna, Maura Higgins, Curtis. Like it's just given us so much good drama and it's unmatched. I was literally just talking about it in the car with Alexa yesterday on the way home from the beach. I was like, "No, you have to start with that season and you have to be dedicated." That's where I would start. Then we kind of went in a weird direction. We went like season 5, then we watched 4 cuz we realized we missed that, then we watched 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, you know, from then on. So, definitely recommend starting with season 5. Some people may disagree, but that is my personal opinion. And it is also my personal opinion that Love Island UK is the superior Love Island and it's also the original Love Island, you know? It's like it's just the best. I got a few questions about my tattoos and have they grown on me? Am I going to get them removed still? What are my thoughts? Do I still have tattoo regret? Yeah, I do still have tattoo regret. Especially this one. I think someone else asked me like, "What are your thoughts on people liking your stars more than they like your ladybug or something like that?" I don't care what people think of my tattoos. My tattoos are just for me, but I don't like either of these. So, I have another tattoo appointment booked actually for Why is there sand in my sock right now? Sorry, it's really overstimulating me. A week from this Friday, Alexa and I are going to get more tattoos from our same gal who did my star freckle. She's going to touch those up and then I'm going to get one more. And I'm having a little bit of tattoo anxiety because I've never had regret before, so I'm like, "Uh, am I going to regret every single one from here on out?" But I just need to like do it and just sort of get back on the horse, if you will, because I know I want more tattoos. I'm just like a little bit scarred from this previous experience. I said I didn't say a lot in this, and I'm not going to because I'm just trying to be respectful, but just trust me, it was not a great experience, and I will be more discerning moving forward. So yeah, I probably will get started as soon as possible on lasering these two, but it depends, and I'm going to make an appointment for a consultation, and we'll see what they say because I guess it ranges from anywhere from like 6 weeks to 6 months is what is recommended to like wait before you get lasering, so we'll see what is recommended for me, but yes, they will definitely be getting removed. I know they're not that bad, but they're just not what I wanted. And I just got this one life in this one body, you know what I mean? So it's like I just want to have tattoos that I really enjoy. How is ERP going, exposure therapy? It is going It's going. I don't want to say it's going well because I'm scared to like jinx it or something. Also, it's not enjoyable. Um, exposure therapy is basically microdosing discomfort. That's really all it is. So, microdosing your worst fears, your discomfort, and kind of like moving up in severity as time goes on. Um, I think it's really changing my life. Like, I don't want to say I love it cuz I don't love the act of it, but I love the effects of it, if that makes sense. I've actually started getting compliments from people in my real life, like my partner and my friends and my family being like, "I notice such a difference in you. You seem calmer. You seem more like sure of yourself. You seem kind of more grounded." Um, and it's true, and I feel it kind of bleeding over into other areas of my life. I've found myself like talking or using sort of exposure therapy-esque terms when I'm talking with friends or with family or with like my nieces or whatever, and it's just been really incredible and amazing, and I credit most of that to my therapist. She's I'd be lost without her. And it's been truly life-changing and it's been hard work and it's very much still a work in progress. And I feel like especially with my OCD and my anxiety when it comes to like my phobia and stuff, it's like a whack-a-mole. It pops up in different ways throughout my life. So now that I'm not currently feeling physically terrible all the time when it comes to like stomach pain, indigestion, nausea, whatever, I feel like it's popping up in other ways, you know, and it's just that's just how OCD works and um I have to remind myself constantly that OCD isn't a thing that I'm ever going to beat or that I'm ever going to conquer or that I'm ever going to um like be cured of. It's just sort of a thing that I'm going to have to live with forever. I don't like to think about that way cuz my magical thinking part of my brain is like, well, but if I work hard enough or if I do XYZ, then I'm going to like find the loophole. It's a whole thing. But yeah, I'm really, really grateful and when people started recommending it to me when I was not feeling very well a couple of years ago, I was like, yeah, forget it. That's my worst nightmare. But truly it's the only thing that's helped me. Dream dog breed. Currently, Drew and I go back and forth between like would we want a small dog, a big dog. There's been a couple of rescues that have had puppies recently where we've been like and like kittens recently where we've been like like it's tempting, but it's just I don't think it's quite the right time yet. Drew wants a long-haired dachshund. That's like his dream or like a golden retriever or he likes kind of really wiry haired. He calls them unhoused dogs cuz they just look [laughter] like they don't have a home. I personally lean a little bit more towards yeah, like a golden retriever type of vibe or just like a big old mutt. So I don't know. We'll see. But I mean I do feel that that is coming eventually. Although I don't know. I really want to travel eventually, but not sure when. Favorite Disney animated movie, newer or older? First thing that pops into my mind is a Goofy Movie. It's just It speaks for itself. The soundtrack, the the the quotes. I mean it's it's such it's so deeply embedded into who I am as a person that like, yeah, I just I could never pick another. It's just the best. Love your content. Are you still planning on keeping up the snowbird lifestyle for a while? I would say this is probably one of the most asked questions, and love you, too. Thank you so much. I think the answer changes frequently. Drew and I are obviously always still keeping the conversation open about it and just going with the flow and seeing how we feel. I do feel like we're teetering. Like it's either right now it's going to be like a we wrap things up, we put everything in a storage unit, and we dip, and we just live here full-time, or we keep it going for a while, and it's like it keeps going like this. Um there have been times where we've been like, let's do this long-term, it's so nice. There's been times where we're like, let's wrap it up and just focus on one place. Every time we spend a length of time in California, we're like, yeah, let's just close that chapter. It's been really fun while it's lasted. It's gone even longer than we intended for it, too, and it's just been so much fun. And then we go back, and we stay in our house, and we see our friends, and we spend time with our family, and we're like, wait, this is so fun. >> [laughter] >> Like, how could this ever end? Kind of thing, you know? So, sorry to not give a direct answer, but yeah, the plan changes quite frequently, and as of right now, it's open-ended. That's what the nice part is. We're about to sign our second year of a lease for this place, which is insane. And then we currently have our place month-to-month in Arizona, so it gives us the opportunity like we're here permanently, but it gives us the opportunity to like sort of leave that open-ended because of the month-to-month. Do you have any advice for finding your personal style? Just wear whatever you want. I don't even necessarily think I have personal style. I talked about this a little bit in a main channel video, but it's just like become one of those buzz terms, and also kind of a way to like shame people. You don't have personal style, or you need to figure out your personal style. Obviously, I understand that the goal and intent is to like not be be not over-consume, all of that. I totally get it. I just think for me I've always been someone who's very eclectic and loves to play around with different styles. I love to try out different trends. I love to try out different colors and patterns and shapes and just kind of express myself through fashion. So, I think my personal style would just be eclectic. I want to say like my pillars would probably be like 90s. Like that's definitely something I always fall back on, always gravitate towards. I have a few elements of classic style I guess. Like I love a white tank and jeans. That's kind of my go to. That to me is like the sexiest outfit that you can ever wear. But as far as like finding your personal style, I mean you got I feel like you got to just play around with things. You got to have trial and error. You got to put yourself out there. Like I just love when people put themselves out there and you got to wear like bad outfits and good outfits and just sort of throw things at the wall and see what sticks. Have you lost weight? Yes, I have. I have lost weight since probably last summer when I started feeling really sick. I've addressed this a bunch of times. This question still keeps coming up and I understand. Like when you see someone and they exist in a body a certain way and then they no longer exist in that same body the same way, it's confusing. I've also recently gained a lot of weight. Well, not a lot, but like I can tell by like how my clothes are fitting and stuff because I am kind of able to eat things that I really wasn't able to physically tolerate before. So, it's just like this honeymoon period and like I'm eating ice cream all the time and like kind of catching up on like things that I missed. And so, I'm kind of yeah, always trying to figure out that balance and sort of um be as honest and forthcoming about my life and my body image struggles and my weight fluctuations as I can while also kind of remaining a bit boundary and just cautious about talking about it on the internet cuz people number one can get extremely triggered which I completely understand. And number two can really kind of take things and run with it and sort of like villainize you either way. Like you can't win either way. I get messages all the time or comments of like accusing me of being on GLP-1 and saying I'm lying about it. I'm not. I never have been. If I was, I would talk about it. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I also have, yeah, just like my opinions have changed over the years and I view weight loss as morally neutral and as well as a lot of things. I think there are always layers, there's always nuance, but me personally, yeah, like you just never know what someone's going through and I just try to like mind my own business when it comes to other people's size and their bodies and all that kind of stuff. Thoughts on kids? Well, I think there were a few more questions about this kind of along the lines of being a fence sitter and sort of how do you decide and whatever. I would say that this is my current Roman Empire. It is actually more confusing now than it has ever been and I think that's because I'm in my late 30s. I feel like biologically, there's not a ton of time left to sort of figure out what my plan is and like make decisions and all of that, especially because I think I'm starting early signs of perimenopause. Well, I shouldn't say that. I need to talk to my doctor about it, but based off of what other people that are going through it are telling me, they're like, "Hey, it sounds like you have perimenopause." Anyways, we talk about it quite a bit. It's It's interesting because I would say from like my mid-20s to my mid-30s, it was kind of like definitely no. I shouldn't say definitely no, but it was like mostly no. I think we always were like, "Yeah, we're open to it, but probably not." And now in recent years, I've kind of, I don't know, we've fluctuated like this. There's been times where he's like 90% yes, 10% no. There's been times where I've been like 90% no, 10% yes. And then there's been times where we've been like this and then like this and I feel like now we're both like this, where it's actually very confusing. The more time goes on, the more it's actually becoming like a real stressor in my life. It's something that I talk about in therapy and my therapist has, you know, just kindly pointed out that like it's just a decision you make either way. You have to either make a decision yes or make a decision no, and that's your decision. I'm always terrified of making a decision and then regretting that decision. I would rather regret not having children than regret having children, obviously, but it's just one of those things that I feel so confused about, and I know I'd be a great mom, and I know Drew would be a great dad. We'd be wonderful parents, but do we want to do that? I don't know. One of our friends who is a parent told us one time like you have to want this really bad because it's really hard, and it's already hard, and I wanted this so so bad, and I can't imagine if you were kind of eh about it, and then it was really like this hard, you know? So, yeah, it's a big confusing thing. I also think that a lot of times when people make the choice to be child-free or maybe even don't make the choice to be child-free, it's like you have to maybe kind of prove yourself in other ways and be like, "But, I'm going to travel the world, or I'm going to write a book, or I'm going to blah blah blah." And it's like you can just exist in the world and be child-free. I guess the best way to put it is I've never strived or dreamt of being a mother, but I'm extremely maternal. I'm aware of what goes into it, and I don't know if I want to give that. Does that make sense? So, we'll see, but yeah, it is something that I think about all the time, and I don't know. So, there's my thoughts on kids. Favorite spots in Laguna planning a trip there this winter. Oh my gosh, I feel like I should make a little like highlights thing. Maybe I'll put them in the description box below cuz I'll like separate it between like coffee and restaurants and beaches and all that kind of stuff, but honestly, TikTok is a great reference. I'm not a local to Laguna, but I visit there a decent amount, and I am still very much a baby Laguna explorer. Like, I don't know all the ins and outs and everywhere there is, but we're trying to like slowly make our way and test new places and stuff, and it's just my favorite place in the world, and you're going to have so much fun. Would you say having your PMOS diagnosis helped? Yes, actually. And weirdly, one of the doctors who suggested that I get tested for PCOS also told me that her husband is a doctor and he doesn't like to over-diagnose people because it doesn't make a difference and I was just like, "Why would you say that to me?" That's such a weird thing to say. Having a diagnosis completely changes your life. Not only does it make you be like, "Okay, there's validation. There's a reason why I've been feeling this way. I'm not insane." It also gives you the knowledge to like start doing research, see what can help you with the symptoms that you're having, maybe figure out an underlying cause, whatever it is. But for PMOS or PCOS specifically, it's like there are supplements you can take, there are things you can do to help you feel better. So like, yeah, it made a complete difference in my life and I knew that I had been struggling for so long with something and I had suspected that it was that and to find out that it was that was just such a relief and it made me feel like, "Okay, now I can focus and now I know what's going on and I can focus on healing or hopefully feeling better or I can just know that when I'm struggling, oh, it's this thing, it's this metabolic syndrome that I have instead of being like, "Hmm, I wonder what it is. Oh, well." kind of thing, you know? It was just it was life-changing. How was your joyful movement journey? Can I be so honest? I haven't worked out in Have I worked out this year? I don't know if I have. I actually don't think I've worked out this year at all. I didn't do a 30 days of movement video for the first time ever this year. I just I don't know. I have like I think because when I got sick, I was just feeling so terrible and I was just really struggling physically and mentally, it just was the last thing on my list of priorities and now I've gotten so used to not doing it that like I haven't, but I really want to get back into it. I want to build up strength again. I just want to feel stronger. I just yeah, there's definitely hopefully in the second half of this year. I do think I want to like start making some changes and get back into exercising again because it's just great for your health and also just good for your mental health. What is one thing from your childhood that you miss so much it hurts? Oh, you're going to hurt my feelings. Um it's cuz I'm such a nostalgic girl. Like nostalgia is one of my driving forces in my life. Oh god. I mean, honestly, probably thinking about my first childhood home. And like I'm picturing the orange tree and the grapefruit tree in our backyard and the grass patch we had and the swing set my parents set up for me and like my dad playing guitar in the other room and like my grandparents being over. All my grandparents are gone now. My grandparents being over to visit and being a free, uninhibited, curious, weird child. That's like the first thing that comes to mind. And then honestly, like anytime I hear a really nostalgic song, ooh, it really gets me. Okay, here's actually a a vivid memory that I have. Like I I miss waking up from a nap at like my grandparents house in Virginia and then like going out to the kitchen and they're all kind of like making dinner or whatever and I'm in my like big t-shirt as my pajamas and they make me a bowl of ice cream in like a plastic bowl and I sit on the stairs while I'm watching the TV. They had these like two little stairs that went down into their den and I would sit there and eat my ice cream and watch TV. Anyways, I'm going to go cry now. Any new types of crafts you want to do? I love your craft/DIY blog. Sending love. Thank you so much. Sending love right back. I would love to do more felt art. That was really fun. Drew and I made a felt art piece for our living or like our stairwell. Um I made Alexa a little crown recently for her birthday. It was definitely last minute because her present got delayed and it didn't arrive in time. So I made her this little crown with what I had. I didn't buy anything new so it was truly everything that I already had and that was really fun but I want to like do a better one. So like maybe something like that. Drew and I have seen these things on Pinterest where you make like a miniature room and then you hang it on the wall. You make it out of like um air dry clay and so I think that would be really fun. We have the stuff to make that actually so that'll probably be next. What are your and Drew's favorite things to do to recharge on deep introvert days? Can I be so honest? We are horizontal the whole day. We're laying in bed. You could take a fresh everything shower. You change your sheets. That's important. You get into your fresh clean sheets with your fresh clean head to toe body. You lay in bed and you rot. We both love YouTube. I mean we'll watch stuff on TV together too, but we will just lay like next to each other and be scrolling and or watching our YouTube watch later queue. Like that is my dream day. That's how I recharge. That's definitely how Drew recharges as well. And then maybe like in the afternoon we'll like do something crafty or you know, clean up around the house, order some groceries, go to the grocery store, whatever. But truly like that is my only thing that I like to do is be horizontal, watch YouTube videos, and just live my best life. Are you guys still thinking of buying in Arizona? Yes and no. I shouldn't say no, but it's just like it's we have the idea. We run through it every single time. We go over it with my mom and then there's just like usually a couple little snags that we're like, yeah, I don't know about that. The ideal setup would be that we buy a house that has a like attached casita or there are even a few builders in Arizona that build homes that are like keeping in mind the sort of multi-generational aspect. And we love that idea, but a lot of times those are really far outside of Phoenix and so it's like you're driving an hour just to get anywhere and it's like then what's the point at that point, you know? And with the market being the way it is, rent is more affordable than a mortgage at this point even though I understand you're like paying into equity and you know, all that kind of stuff. I get it, but it's just yeah, there are things there were just like little snags that come up every single time. We haven't put the idea to bed yet, but yeah, we're just continuing to talk about it and seeing if / when the time is right. What are your and Drew's all-time favorite movies? Love you. Love you, too. Our favorite movie together is The Wedding Singer. That is like our movie. Um his are like probably Lord of the Rings, if I were to guess. That's like his favorite movie of all time. He loved Beetlejuice as a kid. He's still like obsessed with Beetlejuice, The Nightmare Before Christmas, A Bug's Life is one of his favorite Disney movies. For me, I'm just always going to give nostalgic answers. I'm going to be like It Takes Two, The Secret Garden, The Parent Trap, Spice World. Um like that's just what I'm always going to gravitate towards. Any Mary-Kate and Ashley movie, honestly. Babe, what are your all-time favorite movies? >> All-time favorite >> Lord of the Rings. >> [laughter] >> Uh Star Wars. Empire Strikes Back is the best one. >> Same. >> Hey. >> Thanks for sharing. Is there anything you regret getting rid of from a closet cleanout that haunts you? Yeah, there's a specific Forever 21 shirt I have in mind that was off-the-shoulder. It had studs right here and it had a wolf [clears throat] on the front. It was gray and I gave it away for whatever reason. I wore that thing to death for years and years and years and years and then I gave it away for some I think it got too small. Wish I would have kept it. How are you handling all the food recalls and issues mentally? Not well. Not well. I hate it. I hate it. It's so avoidable. Don't even get me started cuz like you're going to piss me off. There's so many layers to it and it's so deeply, deeply frustrating. Yeah, hope that whoever voted for this, hope your gas is cheaper. Hope your milk is cheaper. Hope your groceries are cheaper. Oh, wait. Anyway. Oops, my battery's going to die. BRB. Okay, I'm running out of time before my therapy appointment. So, we will do a couple more speed rounds. Okay. This one says, "How do you handle the Reddit shade? Looks pretty intense." I was going to give like a full unfiltered answer about this. Maybe I'll talk about it in a future vlog someday, but it's unfortunate because every creator that I know deals with having these threads written about them and people saying really awful things, but also like I don't read it. I don't care what's going on and honestly it makes me really sad. Like not even just for myself, but just for like it's mostly women as a whole, the way we do this to each other, the way we police each other, the way we try to project things onto each other, make each other out to be these like evil, awful, villainous kind of like scheming, lying, whatever. And there are actual bad people like running the country. There are actual bad people in the world. And so it's just like the way we nitpick each other as women is really upsetting. And like I don't know. I don't have another term other than like I just pity that. I don't envy spending my life doing that. The only things that I know about are the times that I read it two different times, haven't done it in years, and then when people will DM me stuff and I'm just like, "Why are you reading that? Like who cares, you know?" type of thing, but there's always that thing where it's like, "People aren't thinking about you. Do what you want with your life." And it's like, "No, they actually are. They are talking about it." And it's really damaging to your mental health. And yeah, it's something that I deal with in therapy um on top of like just comments and things like that and perceptions. But that also comes along with my job and it sucks. It really sucks. But at some points it feels almost like digital stalking. Like it just feels like, you know, you're obsessed with this person that you hate so much. And there are so many other better things you could be doing with your life. But I mean, I don't know. It's just super weird. That's like the only way I can describe it. What color were each of your school subject notebooks folders? Example, science equals green. Uh I think math was red. Science? Was science green for me? I feel like English was definitely yellow. Feel like maybe science was blue. Or was English blue? English blue, math red, science yellow, social studies green? That doesn't feel right. Now I'm so confused. All All tell you is that math is red. How did you become so good at putting on pillowcases? Thank you. This is the type of question that I want to be asked. Um, I would say years of dedication, hard work, practice. It's just like a really fun thing about me and it's a hidden talent and I don't know if you know this about me, but I am really fast at putting on pillowcases. Do you maybe want to post more reading content, bestie? Yes, I would love to. I didn't think anyone cared. I also don't have that much to say about the things I read. Like a lot of times I'm just like Yeah, that was good. I like move on to the next one, but I would like to post more reading content. Maybe I'll do like reading corners or things like that in vlogs. Would you ever go back to horseback riding? Tell us about the horse you had, please. Oh my gosh. The horse I had, her name was Ladybug. That was supposed to be for her, but we're going to get a [clears throat] different one. Um, she was a quarter horse Arabian mix. She was a dark bay color. She had a stripe and a star. She was so beautiful. She was like this big juicy sweet amazing girl that I loved so much. And I don't know. I probably would get back into horseback riding at some point. It's just a really expensive hobby. Okay, I think that's going to do it because I really do have to go to therapy. So, I hope you guys enjoyed hanging out with me for just more of a chill kind of like low energy laid-back catch-up vlog. If you have any other questions that you want to see me answer, you can leave them in the comments or you can send them to me on Instagram and I will definitely do another one in the future. But yeah, I appreciate you guys so much. Sending you so much love and I'll see you very soon in the next vlog. Bye.