“Dynamo Is Dead!” The Heartbreaking True Story Of Why Dynamo Vanished For Years!

I can't turn off the noise, and if I saw myself in a mirror, I'd slam my head into the mirror and just keep slamming it until it make it go away. But, that's why I disappeared, but it's not the only reason why I disappeared. Magic couldn't fix me. Dynamo, illusionist, magician extraordinaire. Are you watching closely? Was there a moment you look back on and say that was my rock bottom? The 6th of November, 2020. Cuz that was the day when I tried to kill myself. Your wife found you unconscious. In the dog bed. Magic's always been the thing that has given me hope, that I've used to overcome the bullying, overcome the racist abuse, and the lack of belief. And it made me stand out in a DIFFERENT WAY. DYNAMO! SHOUT OUT TO MY HOMEBOY DYNAMO. Everything you touch is turning into gold, and you become the sensation. And then in 2017, you stop suddenly. I got really sick. I couldn't hold the cards anymore. My body was deteriorating. And then at that same time, your grandmother had passed away, who was your biggest supporter. I'd also heard that you had had a legal dispute, which meant that you could no longer use the name Dynamo. I had so many problems, but I couldn't figure out how to even solve one of them. I thought if I'm not here, then everybody else might be happier. I realized then that Dynamo as we know it needed to die. And I'm finally feeling it again. Now, I just need to get magic back in my life. Dynamo, or should I say Steven, is there some magic you can show me right now? What? Oh my god. I've never shared this before, but 3 years ago, Dynamo walked up to me when I was at a Christmas party. I'd never met him before, and he whispered something in my ear that quite frankly stopped me in my tracks that I could not believe. I knew Dynamo was this incredible online magician, and what he said to me that day, I was unable to forget. He was in a dark dark place. He was engaged in a legal battle and he just lost the rights to use his own name. He could no longer call himself Dynamo. He was no longer able or allowed to do magic. And this stranger that had walked over to me at that Christmas party was suffering in a way that I've never seen before. And just a week ago, Dynamo text me and said it's finally time to tell my story. And that is what you're going to hear today. The story he whispered in my ear at that Christmas party all those years ago. Where has Dynamo been? What happened? And what happens next? And before this episode starts, I want to make a deal with you. About 58% of you that watch this podcast frequently haven't yet hit the subscribe button. If you enjoy what we do here, here's the deal that I want to make with you. If you hit that subscribe button, I promise you that we will keep making this show better in every single way. And we have huge plans to turn this into more of a documentary style conversation, where we work incredibly hard to bring in footage of the things we're talking about to give you greater context and greater meaning. So, if you hit the subscribe button, I promise you that we will deliver an even greater version of this show. I hope you choose to come along on this journey. Enjoy this episode. Dynamo, or should I say Steven? My friends, you can call me whatever you like. Steven, in researching your story, I've been surprised, inspired, shocked, but in many ways, it's given me the context I think that was missing as to how a man like you committed their life to magic. For people that don't know your story, your earliest years, and the context back there in Bradford in 1982, what is the context that we need to understand in order to understand you? I think ultimately it's the force that sometimes magic is found in the most unlikely places. And I was a kid in a counselor state with no hopes, no kind of not much family around me, no real direction. And if anything I should never have amounted to anything. So for me just trying to not be confined by my environment, by my circumstances is the magic I've been searching for my life. And hopefully I can use the magic I've now found to inspire others who might find themselves trapped in a similar position. Bradford, 1982, you you said you didn't have a lot of family around you. Mhm. What family did you have and not have around you? I mean, I was I just born, so you know, I can't remember exactly everything from literally '82. But from say '80 from '86 I believe that was when my dad went to jail. So he wasn't around any longer. Um my mom was there, but she she had me really young, but she would have been about she'll have been about 20 then. So a young mom um losing you know, losing her her partner who would have been raising me with her. So your mom had you at 16? Yeah, she was she was pregnant at 16. Okay. Was there racial issues in your childhood? Cuz I think you're Are you biracial? Yeah, yeah. My father's Pathan, my mom's English. Okay. Pathan, I'm not familiar. Yeah. It's a it's a tribe. Um it's there's parts of it in Afghanistan, parts of it in Pakistan, parts of it's kind of scattered around the world. You must have been what, 4 years old when he went to prison? Yeah. Did you understand what that meant? No. No, not at all. I uh I remember him going out and then just never coming back. It wasn't till I was a little older that I kind of understood that he'd gone away and why he'd gone away and you know, and I kind of It's weird. Like I was young enough that not having him around became a normal thing. Like not having a father, you know, I was on a council estate where other people didn't have fathers around or mothers or you know, we had a lot of broken families. So for me it became just a normal way of life. I think if I'd have been a bit older and had more chance to understand more and miss more then it would have maybe been harder. Did you resent him? At that age when you started to realize what you had lost in a father? I think if I'm honest, I resented him more as an adult. As I got older, like I resented him more when I first met him properly after, you know, like when I'm I'm he He came to uh Revolution Wine Bar in Bradford. And this was when I was 19 years old. And I'd started to make a little bit of a name for myself with my magic. Right then, you know, I had um I'd I think I was applying for like Prince's Trust start-up loan and all that sort of thing. I was I was basically, you know, starting to go somewhere that was positive in my life. And I got called by the manager of Revolution saying, "Oh, there's a gentleman that says he's your dad." He said, "Come to see you." He said, "I'm from dad." And I'm like, that's weird because like I don't really feel like I've got a dad. So, I'm like, okay, this is strange. And then I said, oh, well, just tell him I'm busy right now, but if he wants to come in in a couple of days time when I'm not working cuz I was getting ready to do a set at the bar. I perform magic, basically, in Revolution bar. And he came back a few days later. And I mean, he kind of looked like me, so I kind of knew it was true. You know, I asked my mom about it and she explained, you know, but yeah, he's he's not in jail anymore and he's been out and he's been asking about you. He's I think he tried to call my mom a few times. He's called my nan on his phone as well. And they'd always just kind of, you know, they they saw what I was getting all my life and I'd got used to a life without him in it. So, they felt that it was best for me to not have him in my life. And then when I met him it was so strange because he basically said, but you've you've got a, you know, you're see you've got a little crew around you. Do any of your your friends want to help shift some stuff for me? And when I say stuff, I'm not talking about legal stuff. And at that point, I was just like, wow, you know, he's he's clearly not been reformed and I don't feel like he's the sort of person I need in my life right now cuz I've spent a lot of my life trying to avoid this type of environment. How long had it been since you'd seen him at that moment? This was when I was 19, so from say four years old. So, you hadn't seen him for like 15 years and the first time he sees you, he offers to he asks you to help him shift some drugs. Yeah. Not just drugs, but yeah. I'm trying to figure out what else it could be if it's not drugs. Okay. He was into other stuff, lots of stuff, you know. Um And you know, that's that's the life some people choose, you know what I mean? Like um I didn't know him enough to to to have a to be able to say whether he was a good man or a bad man because, you know, end of the day just because you do that sort of stuff doesn't necessarily ultimately make you a bad person. It can be the circumstances that lead you into that world. Mhm. Um but at the time in my life you know I'd been getting some incredible support from Mapper Youth Centre in Bradford. I basically was surrounded by for the first time in my life positive role models from you know, positive male role models. And part of me hoped that when I saw my dad that he could be one of those. But I think I was too far gone in the other direction and he was going in a different direction and it just wasn't meant to be and you know I I I think then I just became indifferent. I just thought, "Well, you know what? I've gone this far without a father. So, I don't really need one now. Resentment. Mhm. Was that because you were still holding out hope that he was someone else or where where did the resentment come from in that moment? You said that's when you resented him the most. Because I think he they he had in front of him an opportunity to connect with me. And he saw a different opportunity in that moment. He cared more about using you as a vehicle to sell drugs. Yeah. Are you still holding on to pain? Oh, yeah. 100%. There's going to be parts of that that will never be closed off uh because um sadly he's not alive anymore. People often say to me when I speak to them on this podcast about parents that they've lost that when we lose someone it often changes our perspective on them and the situation and often that the issue that held us apart. When your mum came to you and told you that he had now passed away, is there anything you look back on and go with that new perspective now that he's gone and go do you know what this would have been a probably a different or a better way of handling the situation. Is there any regrets there at all? I can't really have regrets personally because the circumstance I was in was not of my making, you know. Um I was told by by my grandma that and my auntie as well, my auntie Mel, they both they both would tell me passionately how much my mum and dad loved each other. But there was also an element that they said it's a good job that he went away because if he'd have not gone away, it's highly likely that my mum and my and me would have been dead because he was apparently very abusive. And to your mother? Yeah. Did Did you ever know this? Did you ever see this? No, I was like I wasn't really I think it was more before I was born and then, you know, I think yeah, I was too young to really understand it. Like I've my mum's told me about stuff more recently. And you know, my auntie and as I've been like you know, uncovering things about myself like I've asked more questions. What have you been trying to figure out about yourself? A lot of things the last few years um the point in my existence ultimately. If we go back to the the rest of the context there um from those early years, what were you like socially in school and we were Did you like school? Mhm. I like learning. I like trying to understand things. But did I like school? I was scared of school. Why? Just cuz I used to get beat up all the time. Like it was school for me was painful. But it wasn't the learning aspect of it. It was getting to and from the lessons, you know, surviving the playground. Like that for me was difficult because I went to a school that was predominantly uh you know a more white school, so it's let's say, and you know, I was getting to an age where my complexion started to show, so it was obvious that I wasn't fully English. So it was a lot harder to hide because I was told when I lived on the estate, you know, I was recommended by everybody, you know by my mom, by my nan, by just anybody who was was close to my family at the time, if anybody asks, just say you're white. You know, it was kind of ingrained in where we lived to hate anything that is different. I read about a story where someone threw you into a river. Have you? Oh, yeah, the dam. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was um So one of the estates I lived on, I lived on quite a few council estates in Bradford, where depending on where my mom's boyfriends lived or girlfriends um at the time. So So I remember there's Delph Hill estate and then there's Woodside estate and separating them is a big massive field and in the middle of the field is a dam. And it was where like all the cool kids would kind of go to hang out. And I wasn't one of the cool kids. But like one time I got invited down there. So I thought, oh, amazing, you know, I'm finally being accepted. And when I got there, they only invited me down there to kind of throw me in the dam, but I knew I couldn't swim. Like I didn't I didn't have a an adult to teach me how to swim till I didn't learn to swim till I was like, you know, 14, 15. So they threw me in the dam and it was one of the most traumatizing experiences I'd felt at that time. Thankfully there was one guy on the estate, Wayne Jewitt, um who basically dived in and helped me out and you know, he was a really good swimmer. He could he could um get me to safety. And yeah, like stuff like that happened all the time though. It wasn't like you know, I can remember that because I couldn't swim and if you've ever experienced that panic that you get when you, you know, when you feel like you're drowning, that will stay with you. Mhm. Um you know, I don't like going, you know, I don't like going into the sea and stuff like that, you know, like getting into water in general is not my favorite thing. You and me both. I can't swim either, so I remember the first time I nearly drowned and I remember the person that jumped in and saved me when I was a kid as well. Remember it like it was yesterday. Mhm. So Yeah. So like that experience happened, you know, it it happened on the way to school, it happened after school, you know. So for me the the thought of going to school was always like a daunting notion. There were certain teachers like Mrs. Wilcox, you know, like uh she was my English teacher and she was really nice and she was really nurturing. And I didn't feel stupid in front of her because of if in a lot of the classes when you know, when the teacher's asking you to get involved, I was so nervous of other people's opinions in the class that if I spoke up, if I if I put my hand up to answer a question, and that it was wrong, then that just was going to lead to more getting beaten up harder after school, or you know, more ridicule. So, I kind of kept myself to myself, but at the same time, I was just like this this like sad little kid kid who would take the long way home, so I didn't get beat up. I remember speaking to Israel Adesanya, who was the UFC world champion, and him telling me a very similar story about taking the long way round school so that he would avoid the bullies on the playground, and all of those things. Again, in his situation, it was heavily racially motivated. He had was this kid that had flown to New Zealand from Africa. He was the black kid, and so he was he ultimately turns to fighting as a way to help him survive. Yeah, I mean, he's he's very good at it. I saw him fight him. He's he's amazing. Well, I I think about your story, and I go, in a way, didn't did you turn to magic as a way to help you to survive? Ultimately, that's where it ended up, but I didn't turn to magic. Magic kind of found me, cuz it was never something I was into initially. It was something that my grandpa used to do. He'd do tricks here and there, you know, little like the sort of things you see a guy doing in a pub, you know, nothing like super amazing. But, to me, he was like kind of the main male role model in my life, and he was always the life of the party, you know, and he seemed to have an answer to every single problem. And one day, when he's picking up from school, like he saw the sort of things that was happening to me, and I never knew he saw this, but, you know, he'd always get to the school playground early, so, you know, so he didn't want to be late for picking me up. And often I'd walk out the door and straight away I'd kind of get in a fight or get, you know, get caught up in something. And he'd kind of stay back. He never really got involved, but he saw it kind of be quite bad one day, and when he was walking home he's telling me he's going to like show me some things, you know, that might help me. And I'm thinking, oh, yeah, it's going to be like Karate Kid, you know, Mr. Miyagi, you know, like but it wasn't any of that stuff. He He's He showed me magic and he says, you know, these things that they get me positive attention when I'm out and about, when I share these things. So maybe maybe try these. And I was scared at school about trying them because I'm like thinking, well, I'm already seen as this weirdo, this outcast. Like how is No, you know, he's he's sharing magic with people cuz magic wasn't like a cool thing. Thankfully, it made me stand out in a different way, and it deflected attention from me. And there was definitely some people that, you know, shunned it, didn't like it, but there was enough people that thought it was interesting and, you know, kind of kind of cool that it got people off my back. That was really where the magic began. Properly, that's before that point. It was you know, it was something that I was using to deflect attention from the other areas of my life that I was trying to hide. It's um it's quite remarkable how many times I've heard similar stories about someone finding a way to belong through a craft or through singing or through acting, whatever it might be, and then them committing their life to that. It's almost like they become addicted to it in some way. And it I guess the issue is when you ask yourself the question what am I now without it? Do I therefore not belong if I don't do magic? Mhm. Yeah, I know that feeling all too well. I'm sure we're going to come to that. Um about 13 years old in '95, you're diagnosed with Crohn's disease, which is very young, I believe, to be diagnosed with Crohn's disease, which is a lifelong disease. Um It's like a severe inflammation related to irritable bowel syndrome from what I understand. Yeah. And it can be life-threatening as well. Yeah, yeah. Um I've had a a few moments where I've had life like life-threatening operations. How does that change the picture at 13 years old with that diagnosis? And what led up to that diagnosis? Well, before the diagnosis, I'd got to, you know, my teenage years where you you know, you kind of start to have changes, right? You go into puberty. And I was definitely like a bit of a slow starter. I was still, you know, all the kids at school were getting bigger and I was getting smaller. I wasn't getting smaller, but they they were getting bigger and I was just basically wasn't really kind of growing growing at the same rate. And my mom started to take me to the hospital to get tests done to try and figure out, you know, what was up with me. Which I understand why my mom would do that, but at the same time, for a kid who feels like they don't belong, to then be taken to hospital to have tests done on me to figure out what's wrong with me, like suddenly I'm like, well, all right. I don't belong and I've got something wrong with me. I mean, this is, you know, like what is the point in me, you know, you I broken? Do you know what I mean? So, I mean, there clearly there clearly was issues um and they found my Crohn's disease. And I guess now I feel that's quite a it's an incredibly good thing to have done. The problem was back then there wasn't enough known about Crohn's as there is now. Right. The doctors understand it a lot more. They understand how to treat it and people are a lot more open to, you know, to it. You know, essentially it's an illness that affects your bowels which ultimately affects, you know, And and how your body digests things and that's not the sort of topics that, you know, are that easy to talk about um especially when you're you know, a teenager going through your formative years, you know. Is there a lot of pain associated with Crohn's disease? Mhm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Stomach cramps um you know, it's I mean, if I don't take my medication and I'm on it at the moment, I can struggle to walk or to even get out of bed. Really? Every day. Yeah. It's like having a a wound inside your tummy. And it's like an open wound. And every time you eat, you essentially it's like rubbing dirt into an open wound. So, it's never going to heal. It's going to constantly keep getting infected and it's going to constantly keep being inflamed. And because it's inside you, like, you know, your gut affects every part of your body, you know? So, and then it has side effects which one of those is one of the side effects is reactive arthritis which is what I suffer from where if my Crohn's flares up, which can be brought on from simple things like just just everyday stress. Like or to You don't have to just eat something for it to be bad. Like you can you can have a stressful day and it can, you know, give you a stomach ache, which then can ultimately spread to the rest of your body and make you feel debilitated. And that if you've got reactive arthritis, it means that all your joints start to seize up and ache. Um hence why sometimes I struggle to walk and kind of function. And you know, you you kind of need your mobility to be a good magician. So, you know, for me when Yeah, when that happens it stops me from being able to perform the way that that I've kind of grown to love. And that will then have knock-on effects to the psychological Yeah, and every case of Crohn's is different, you know, it affects people in different ways, but but ultimately, yeah, it Imagine stomach having stomach ache just all the time. And being scared to eat because you don't want to, you know, eat something and it it ruin the it to it wipe you out for the rest of the day. Right. So, you um you go to this new sixth form college. You end up dropping out of college because you decide you want to pursue magic full-time. And then you go off to America where you stayed with your grandmother in America. By the age of sort of 17 years old, you have that operation for your Crohn's, which removes part of your stomach. And then at sort of 20 years old, you end up back in London. And that's when you started to sort of gain a following for your performances online. I think, you know, most of us saw that chapter of your life, I believe, most of us, um through videos on social media, stuff on TV, and all of that. And from there on, it really looks like your career starts to take off. Because I I was looking through your biography and at 22 years old, you receive an invitation to to perform at the United States Super Bowl. By 29 years old, you have your own TV show called Dynamo Magician Impossible. And then that shows a smash hit. Wins all these awards, best entertainment program. Is that really in your view where things started to take off? You're 29 years old, 30 years old. Everything you touch is turning to gold, and you become this kind of sensation. I guess that depends on what you class as like what is success, Mhm. right? Because for me the the beginning of success where things started to take off was when I got my Prince's Trust business startup loan. You were what, when you were 16 or something? Or No, I was a bit I was older. It was um it was 2002. So you're 20? Mhm. Like before that point I thought one day I'm going to have to go up. Or one day I'm going to have to get, you know, get like a real job. Yeah. Yeah. say, right? Yeah. Like yeah, you know, I think right up until uh you know, right up until like my grandpa died and and my nana passed, you know, I think they were still thinking that I might get come up come home one day and say, "Oh, I've got a proper job now." When was that? Uh my grandpa died in 2012, right? And he he died in the middle of my second series of of Magician Impossible. So he got to see some of his like the way he nurtured me and helped me and shared that magic, he got to see some of that magic get brought to life on screen. So I was that's probably one of my proudest moments. But then my uh my nana um sadly she passed in the last couple of years. Um I don't think I think anybody really knows about my nana passing um outside of, you know, my family and my friends. Um and for me like my nana was my biggest supporter for everything. But I know that she was always worried about me cuz she always thought that this magic thing wouldn't work out and she wanted me to have something to fall back on. You know, when I dropped out of college to pursue magic as you know, as that's just all I wanted to do. You know, she was very worried. She was She was the one trying to tell me that I should not fall out. I need to get you know, get an education and in many respects, you know, the advice she was giving was you know, was good advice. But luckily things kind of turned out all right for the in the magic. I mean, it turned out all right. It's quite an understatement. You were magician of the year multiple times. The TV show Magician Impossible then won the TV Choice Awards as best entertainment show. You ended that Dynamo's Magician Impossible show after its fourth season I believe. And then you embarked on your first live tour called Seeing is Believing. And then in when you're 35 years old in 2017 you stopped that tour suddenly. Yeah, I think that the tour kind of run its course. We we did it. We We did over like, you know, we we did a lot of countries and a lot of tickets and it was amazing. You know, I'm I like trying pushing the envelope with magic and with everything I do. And I felt like that time on the road gave me time to have a lot of new ideas. And I felt like I wanted to try and bring some of those ideas to life. But some of those ideas had to get put on hold cuz it was shortly after that but I got really sick with my Crohn's. What happened? Just got uh food poisoning and that gave me a uh campylobacter to um food poisoning which basically is like probably the worst type of food poisoning you can get. And that combined with my Crohn's was a recipe for disaster. So, basically I was in hospital. I I just remember it was like 10:00. I was getting ready to go to bed and I went to the bathroom. And I had this like horrible feeling in my stomach. But I've got Crohn's, so like I'm used to kind of having to numb these these feelings, you know, I'm used to just thinking, "Okay, it's going to be uncomfortable for like half an hour and then it'll pass." Right? And it wasn't going away and then suddenly like blood was coming out of my mouth. I was vomiting. I was Blood was coming out of both sides. Like that's Yeah. Uh And I didn't know what to do. Like it would it wouldn't stop. I was in so much pain. Um I was screaming at my wife like and literally I got rushed to hospital. And they gave me, you know, they gave me all the medications to try and you know, they put me on the drip and give morphine everything and nothing was getting rid of the pain. Like I'd never felt a pain like it. And I just did not understand what it was. Like and what because of that it caused my Crohn's to kind of even though I'd so much of my Crohn's cut out already in the previous operations it caused it to spread into a different part of my bowel. And from that came the reactive arthritis because in the part of the bowel that it moved to had different side effects that I'd never had before. Mhm. Like I remember like just getting these sensations where I, you know, I'd got kind of over the you know, a few months later I'd I'm I'm over the like food poisoning element of it, you know, I'm I'm out of hospital. I'm kind of you know, trying to get on with my life. But, I'd be holding my cards, you know, I'd be doing, you know, magic like things that you know, stuff that I do in my sleep, right? But, suddenly I was getting like shooting pains in my joints and I was it was like electric shocks I was having I couldn't hold the cards anymore. I was struggling to move, you know, like I'd be in a seat I won't be able to get up because like my knees would be like like stuck. And I'd never had that experience before and I I suddenly felt like Mr. Burns, you know, from The Simpsons. Mhm. You know, like he seems really like frail and weak. And I felt like I was, you know, I was I wasn't old. I was like I felt like I should be in my prime, you know what I mean? And I couldn't understand it. I felt like my body was deteriorating around me and so I went basically on medical trials for the next few years. Um and the thing is with medical trials is that when you try a new medicine, you have to try it for 3 months before the doctors will s- write that off as not working and try on a new medication. But, there was times when I knew within the first 2 weeks it wasn't working, but I had to go the full 3 months. And in those 3 months, you know, my symptoms weren't getting better. If anything, they'd get worse. And it, you know, it wasn't till we got to the 9th month where I started this medication called infliximab where you have to go to the hospital every few weeks and you get put on a drip for you need to sit there for like 8 hours and they basically put this medicine inside you. And that really had an incredible effect. Like that gave me a new lease of life. I felt stronger of I probably felt stronger than I'd felt before I was on it. But then COVID happened. Um it stopped my infliximab from working. So suddenly I mean 2020 and I'm on medical trials again. And I tried um you know I tried and so many different medications and it's it was it wasn't until like the beginning of 2021 where I really got one that was really working properly. Um and even now I'm on that but it's still I still have like I have 3 days a week where I'm really bad. Where my joints just don't really work that well. Um and my Crohn's my stomach feels bad. But yeah, that that was a big part of the reason why I kind of I guess disappeared for a while. But it's not the only reason why you disappeared for a while. Yeah, I think um everything that my body was going through everything I was going through the pressures of you know trying you like wanting to do magic and the pressures of trying to sustain a career and live up to people's expectations um was almost an impossible task to do whilst I was trying to fix my body. And ultimately it you know I ended up in a situation where without magic, without being able to do what I loved not knowing if I was ever going to be able to get it back made me think what's the point in my existence, and I think my body was kind of imploding, and so was my mind. What was going on in your mind? I didn't know what to do with my life. Didn't know what to do with myself. Um there's a lot of things that I don't want to fully go into, so but I'll try and, you know, be as give you as much as I can. There was just so much noise in my head. And I hated myself for feeling how I felt. I hated the my way my body felt because of, you know, because of everything I was dealing with. If I saw myself in a mirror in my house, I hated what was looking back at me. I hated it so much that I slammed my head into the mirror and just keep slamming it to try and just either, you know, make it go away. And yeah, I remember I didn't I didn't want to be alive because I didn't feel like the life I had. Take away all the the success and, you know, that side of things. I wasn't living because I wasn't able to do the thing I loved the most, which was magic. And it was it was a time in my life where I felt that magic couldn't fix me. But magic's always been the thing that has given me hope. That I've kind of used to overcome the bullying, overcome the self-doubt and the lack of belief from others and then my and then in my own self. And suddenly I'm in a position where I don't know what to do with myself and magic isn't going to fix it. And I can't I can't until I'm fixed I can't do the thing that gives me a reason and gives me a purpose. In performing magic, I can't do that because I'm not mentally or physically capable. How long did that that last? I'm still dealing with it now, to be honest. Like it it's difficult because I'm a magician. All right? And to everybody else looking at me as a magician I'm someone who does the impossible. I'm someone who kind of should be able to do anything. But I'm a magician who can't who felt like, you know, back then and you know and still at times now I'm a magician who feels like I can't do the first thing that a magician needs to do perform magic. So then I'm just an impostor. I can't live up to the expectations that people have of me. And it's not that I I'm not the sort of person who like searches for validation from other people, you know, like I mean you know, magic is not an art form that is seen as the coolest thing ever. Do you know what I mean? It's it you know I just set myself up to fail if if you know if by by following through with magic um if I'd have been naive to that point. Do you know what I mean? And I know that magic's never been cool, right? And you know, I hope that in some small way I've helped to make it feel a bit cooler than maybe what it was perceived as. But magic's the only thing that I'm good at. And I think the way that I can manipulate my body and you know kind of handle cards and do the things is a big part of what's made my magic unique and feel special. And not being able to do that kills me. Am I right in thinking that at that same time your grandmother had passed away who was your biggest supporter your body was breaking down because of Crohn's and your illness around that time as well. And I'd also heard that you had had a legal dispute with your management. Which meant that you could no longer use your social media channels, the name Dynamo, etc. etc. And that had all happened in this concentrated period of your life. There was there's a lot of stuff going on and yeah, like you know I I think losing my nana ultimately was I think the thing that I guess the straw that broke the camel's back is the expression they use. Because she's always been the backbone for me. Whenever I felt weak and there's a lot of times I felt weak my nana's always been strong for me. And then with a lot of things going on in my life in my life with my life being flipped upside down, you know, and then my nana going as well, it was just like, man, like you know, the like like it just felt like the world was out to get me. And I kind of wanted the ground to just break open and just swallow me up. If I was a fly on the wall in your house at that time, what would I have seen? Mhm. A lot of stuff that I don't really want I wouldn't want anybody to see. Like I wasn't very nice to myself. There's a lot of pain. But also a lot of numbness and I felt that ironically actually, I didn't feel like I felt so numb that I'd hurt myself to try and feel something. Self-harming? Mhm. Does your Does your partner know what's going on in your life inside your head during this period? Cuz I cuz I have a I have a partner and I if I was in such a dark place where I was self-harming and doing some of the things you've described, the banging my head against the mirror, and I was in that sort of cycle of self-hatred, my partner I I think my partner would would would know. Mhm. Yeah. She knew. She She maybe didn't know the extent of it to begin with and I think also the the loss side of things, you know, she obviously felt that herself. So, I think those things she's dealing with it dealing with her own grief Mhm. at the same time. So, sometimes when you're dealing with grief you it's hard to see outside of your own grief to see other people's. Mhm. You know what I mean? Um and we were kind of almost together in those moments, you know, we came together like, you know, but she she was the one who ultimately got me to go to therapy and to get the help and support that I needed really. In this chapter was there was there a moment you look back on and say that was that was my rock bottom? Mhm. Yep. 6th of November, 2020. The 6th of November, 2020. Mhm. Almost 3 years ago today. Exactly, almost. Why was that the hardest day? Cuz that was the day that I knew that she knew. Cuz she found me. And I tried to kill myself. She found you in the house. Mhm. She found you unconscious? Yep. In the dog bed. What are you comfortable talking about? I mean, I'm not super comfortable at life generally, so you know, just talking this is is first time I've kind of done an an interview that's not been with a therapist in since 2020. So, you know, I I I trust you. You've you know, we've you've been a bit of a you've been a help for me over the last few years. So, I guess if you're respectful, then I respect what you'll do with what I say. It'll be done. There's two There's two things. There's two things. I want you to feel comfortable about whatever you say, but also after this conversation, if there's anything you you're not comfortable with having said, you can of course let me know and it won't be it won't be out there in the world. But, I I want to um I think the the question that I like that I think is of most value is understanding how someone gets to that point. I've I've actually spent a quite a long time speaking to Simon Gunning, who's the CEO of Calm, Campaign Against Living Miserably. Yeah. Um and he's done a really great job of helping me to understand suicidality as a topic, but also when I have a public platform like this where I speak on this these subject matters occasionally about what elements of that are useful for people that are in that mindset now. And what he's shared with me is part of it is um people understanding that some how someone gets there, but also understanding how they go from there and they rise out of that situation. What was What was on your mind when that led you up to that moment? I felt that I had so many problems that I couldn't figure out how to even solve one of them. And the problems weren't just affecting me. They were affecting my household. They were affecting, you know, just my family's life. And a big part of me thought if I'm dead then my problems won't affect these other people in my life and they will be all right. Cuz I felt like ultimately I was the problem. It was quite a simple kind of thought That was it. It was like Okay. If I'm not here then everybody else might be happier. And they can get on with their lives and you know like that was it. Your wife finds you finds you that day in the dog bed and then she calls an ambulance? No, she called Edward Despot who's my doctor. He's He's my my gastroenterologist, my Crohn's specialist. And then I remember well she was on the phone to him when I kind of came round and she was just crying. And that's Well, you asked me a where it feels like it was the worst. I'd probably hurt myself worse on previous occasions. But I'd never been found by the one person in this life whose opinion I genuinely care about. And no matter what I do now in the future there's nothing I can do that can erase what she saw. And that's the thing I'm the most ashamed of because in the moment I felt like I was trying to maybe do something that would take all the problems I thought I was facing and remove them from everybody else's world. But I'd not actually thought about what these people would feel if I wasn't here. Do you know what I mean? Mhm. So that's the shame that I feel for that. I don't feel ashamed for feeling the way I did. But I feel ashamed that my wife kind of saw that. Like it's it's just embarrassing, isn't it? She's the person I'm supposed to be strong for. You know, she's person who relies on me and you know I'm the I'm the husband that not I don't mean that like I know we live in a modern world, you know, where you know, you know, it's but like I'm supposed to be there to be strong for her. And I couldn't even be strong for myself. Can I ask you a question? In that when someone is in that situation as you were psychologically, what do you think those around them can do to support that person? Or do you think there's very little those around I'm trying to understand how to support someone, you know, in my life that would be in such a such a mindset. I mean, I guess what my wife did. Like not not just call you naturally you would call someone for help like a doctor or something like that. But I mean even though I still feel it and I can't necessarily speak on her behalf. But she didn't make me feel ashamed. She loves you, doesn't she? Yeah. It's one of the greatest gifts, isn't it, to have someone in your life like that that you know just loves you through thick and thin. From the ex- from the experience and how she's been even up up till now, you know, how she dealt with it and dealt with me and I think it's the first time outside of my nan or outside of family who, you know, they have to do it some conditional, right? Um cuz they're family, they're blood. But it's the first time that I have actually felt the love of somebody else. Like because we've been married a long time before then. But, you know, you you just never know what someone's going to act like when really hits the fan. Let me see you naked. Yeah. And I was exposed I was you can't get any more exposed than than what I've felt. And she became the rock. She She gave me a love that I've never had to to deal with it. And you know, it's Yeah, that is something that I didn't necessarily maybe know I needed in my life until that moment. And that ultimately has kept me alive. Around this time there's a dispute with your management. What are you able to tell me about that? Cuz I know it's a legal dispute, so there's things that probably can't talk about, but I think it's important context to understand what you're going through in this moment as it relates to your sense of purpose and identity and all those things. What are you able to tell me? I think I was at a time in my life where I felt lost. And I knew if I you know, stayed doing things exactly the same way that I'd always done them, then you're only going to get kind of the same results, right? You know, if I'm if I'm feeling suicidal thoughts I'm feeling kind of like worthless, then the only way to break that cycle is to have a fresh start. It's needed to break away from everything and ultimately, you know, you've started many of businesses, and you know, I'm sure some of those have failed, and some of those have, you know, you've had to have, you know, go your separate ways at times. Um so, that happens in business, um and I think there was a lot of work needed to be done on myself. Mhm. And which had to take time away from that. Like um yeah, I can't really uh touch on Mhm. it too much. I'm trying to be extremely Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all good. I'm actually quite interested in the the not what happened, but the consequence of what happened. So, cuz I've noticed you've not been posting on social media in a while, for example. So, I assumed that one of the consequences of this separation with your management was you've not you've not been able to use your social media accounts, and we've not seen you on the internet as much. Is that a correct assumption? Although I feel like I've wanted to kind of post things because I felt like my life isn't been worth sharing. So, you know, whilst I've been trying to fix myself, I I didn't feel comfortable kind of sharing in those moments, and kind of just let the lawyers do what they do, and figure that stuff out because I'm I'm too I'm too busy trying to figure out what's going on in my own head, you know, how to kind of just get to a place in this world where I can deal with the pressure of life. Ultimately, all I wanted to do, which is you know, what's led me to here with you today, is get to a place in my life where I could share magic again. And even if my arthritis and my Crohn's stopped me doing it in the way I used to, I had to find a new way to share it. And there's certain things in the past that I've had to go through, negative experiences, you know, positive experiences. But ultimately, I've had to go through those things to learn and grow from them. And some things I've had to leave behind. And I'm speaking of things you've left behind. Are you still Dynamo? I think Palm is always Dynamo. Yeah, of course. Like and the thing is I've battled with knowing who They're almost like there's been a battle between me and myself because the lines are so blurred or worse or blurred between you know, the Steven that you know, Mhm. and the Dynamo that you you but the greater world kind of knows. So, then like it's just been it's been a lot of confusion. Mhm. All right. In simple terms, it's been a lot of confusion. Because Dynamo is the part of me that feels like it can do anything. But Steven's the flawed human being that realizes and knows that he can't. And it's a conflict. And then when my body's falling apart, my life's falling apart, I'm losing everything in my life outside of magic that I love. Then I'm just an empty shell. And that's the sort of feeling that makes you think like what is the point? Why am I here? Like I am worthless to this world if I can't share the only thing that I feel I'm good at. People will be sat thinking, "Why can't you share it?" Because partly for some reasons that you know, are outside of my control. Mhm. Legal-related reasons. Some. Yeah. And yeah, sure. Um you know, and then partly because mentally I wasn't free. Like, I need to be free in my head to create material, and to create the magic I share. But, all that was in my head is horrible things. Is things that I can't shut off. I can't turn off the noise. So, then, there's no space for magic to find its way in. So, I I guess it'd be like the equivalent to writer's block. Like, magic writer's block. Like, I don't know if that's a real thing, but Mhm. that's the only way I'm trying to simply explain it. The way that I heard it from what you just said about the noise was I can't write if there's loud music playing with lots of lyrics in it. So, when I when I do writing, I have to turn off loud music with lyrics in it, or else I can't my brain can't focus on both. So, I was almost imagining being in a room with really loud music playing, and then me trying to think and write, and I just wouldn't be able to. Yeah. Like, like, my body was not allowing me to perform in the physical sense in the way that I wanted to, you know? I was, you know, some of the medication was working well, and I was doing good, but then like, mentally, like, I wasn't in a fit state to do magic, you know? And because of things that were going on behind the scenes, I also it was really complicated, you know? Um even getting work. And then, naturally, with that, you know, there's going to come financial pressures, which is you know, the last thing you need when you've also dealing with everything else. So, ultimately, I had too many horrible thoughts in my mind to try I too many problems to solve to even think about magic. But then, me not thinking about magic, is you just then that's the that's a depressing notion. Mhm. Cuz that's how much of your purpose and meaning and joy and Yeah. And it's not just tricks. It's not you know, I'm not when I talk about magic in this sense like there's the there's the card tricks. There's the things that people see, right? But for me, magic is a feeling. It's something you experience in your body when you witness something that you can't explain or when you see something that feels impossible, but feels like unobtainable, Mhm. right? Putting a smile on someone's face is a magical thing. And that's what I've spent my life doing. But the irony is I was in a position where I couldn't put a smile on my own face. So, how am I meant to do that for anybody else if I can't you know, if I can't do the the simplest thing for myself. And you go to therapy at this point, you said. Yeah. My wife was on the phone when she found me to to Ed Despo, who's my cosmetologist, right? And then, he he put my wife in touch with with therapist um called Edward Sim. And I had some sessions with him initially, but this type of therapy can be quite expensive. Yeah. So like I got like the first few bills and I was like I can't sustain this. I need it, but having to pay for therapy was making me more stressed in the process because I just couldn't afford the therapy. But Edward Sim, um he showed me a kindness that I've kind of been, you know, but I haven't seen in a long time, especially at that time. Like he contacted my wife, um and just said, "Listen, I want to help him. Um I'll do it for free." And he's been he's been looking after me ever since and you know, like For free? Yeah. Wow. I mean, I've, you know, I've I've keep offering to pay now you know, I'm in a slightly better place and but he refuses, you know, he um but you know, I don't think, you know, he's someone who I want in my life forever and you know, I want I want to be able to repay. I'll I'll never be able to repay him for what he's done for me. But like Yeah, I mean he introduced me to so many different things like stuff that I like I use this thing called Sonic Reset Therapy. Don't know if you know about it. It's this like noise that you listen to. I listen to it twice a day for 20 minutes and it it it's definitely become something that calms me down and helps me sleep at night. Um and then What do you think it's doing? What is it doing for you? It's just kind of resetting your mind in a way or Yeah, I think that's I mean I think I guess that's the intention behind it. As as I listen to it, it tells me to think about negative experiences or think about positive experiences that like think about goals you want to achieve or think about things you want to you know get past. And just let them come into your mind at the forefront. And it's really strange like it just has a real calming effect. We'll try and get hold of it and we'll try and include it in the description below. So That is it's you know like it is been it's been helping me, you know, um sure it will help others um but you know there's lots of different things like one of the things that he suggested to me which at the time when he suggested it it was such a weird thing. Is he he recommended that I read the Alcoholics Anonymous book. Now I say it's a strange thing for him to recommend for me because I've never drunk alcohol in my life. I've never done drugs other than what the doctors prescribe for me for my Crohn's. So I've literally been teetotal forever, do you know what I mean? So like I just naively assumed that you know this is a book to help someone who is an alcoholic. Right? That yeah, I've I've actually I've got a stuff copy. My copy. That's yours. This is my copy um and in in researching your story I I realized the significance of this book so I just bought a copy of it. Yeah. For people who've never read it, um I recommend reading it. You don't have to be I'm a testament you don't have to be an alcoholic to read it and gain something from it. Um you know essentially it's broken up into 12 steps. And each chapter, each step is a lot of people's like short stories of how they overcome different phases of addiction or trauma. Ultimately, it's trauma, but it's in the in the Alcoholics Anonymous book, obviously, it's specifically kind of aimed at, you know, addiction in that sense. And as you hear all the stories, it's very easy to replace the alcoholic side of it in this book and put your own trauma or grief that you're trying to deal with in that place. And it's like a blueprint like literally people are telling you how they overcome a certain thing. And might not work everything might not work for you as an individual, but I took so much from this. And you know, it's it can it's kind of written maybe from like a spiritual perspective, you know, I'm not particularly religious like um but ultimately, it's about trying to get you to believe in something greater than yourself to help you find your purpose. And for me, I've always known what that is. It's It's been It's been doing magic, right? But I didn't know how to get back to that place without dealing with all these things I was dealing with, you know, like and I've kind of you know, gone through the 12-step book, but I've kind of gone through my own 12-step kind of recovery like going through the different emotional phases that I've been trying to overcome. You know, and some of those involved like, you know, going back, looking at my past, you know, looking at, you know, the situation with my dad, you know, looking at my mom, you know, like cuz I think if I'm honest, there was definitely there's definitely been a lot of resentment towards my mom um over the years. Um because when my dad went away, like, you know, as my mom, you know, my mom's now, you know, living a different life without him, you know, naturally she's going to get to a stage where she wants a new boyfriend, a new new partner. She wants a life of her own, right? But there's quite a few of those men that came into her life but were horrible to me. You know, a big part of that was because I was a mixed-race kid and we lived in a, you know, quite a racist area. So, you know, a lot of the men you know, didn't want me. They wanted my mom cuz my mom was lovely. How did you know they didn't want you? They just showed tell me. They would tell you? Yeah. It was like they'd just tell me how they and they'd they'd do things that showed me that they didn't want me. I I I pretty much moved in with my grandparents when I was 15. Like because the the men in my mom's life just I wanted my mom to be happy. But that came at the sacrifice of my own happiness. It mean It meant that she'd be happy cuz she'd get the love maybe that she thought she needed. But I felt like I lost my mom in the process. So, there's been resentment. It's not been like surf on the surface resentment, like, you know, I'd still see my mom at Christmas and stuff like that, but we never really had that the bond that I felt we should have had. Um but kind of one of the things I got from from the book is I've had conversations with my mom that I've never I've been too scared to have. And I've actually got to understand her better. And this is this is the wrong word, but because ultimately she doesn't need forgiveness cuz knowing her story, she hasn't done things wrong in you know, she hasn't purposely done things wrong for me to go, I forgive you, right? But there was knowing what she'd been through like it's it's in these conversations that I've learned about some of the physical abuse that my dad would do and that also that other partners of hers would give her and I think she'd been trapped in a cycle of you know, you know, not necessarily kind of picking the wrong partners and just kind of trying to do the same thing over and over again expecting different results. You know, which uh you know, you can't blame someone for like I mean, I've come to learn from doing this podcast and speaking to a lot of psychologists that specialize on love that we often seek out the form of love that we grew up on and sometimes that's an abusive form of love. So, many psychologists that I've spoken to have alluded to this, but a few have said this quite directly that if you were at a very young age had an sort of a toxic um attachment with a maybe a figure in your life, that there's a chance that you'll then grow up and seek out toxic attachments um in the cycle that you've described. We we tend to think that well, you know, we tend to think that if we've been in a toxic situation when we were younger, for example, that we'll then seek out really, really healthy situations cuz we know what bad looks like. But in fact, I've been told that it's often the opposite that we go back to the cycle of love that we were familiar with. Yeah. Familiarity seems to be the key word. Yeah, yeah. People find safety in familiarity, even if that familiarity isn't actually safe. Mhm. Like Yeah, like I can feel that. This book this very small book there's something about this these ideas that seem to reach people when they're in their toughest moments. Step number one, we admitted we were powerless. That our lives had become unmanageable. Step two, we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Have you had to admit you were powerless? And have you started to believe in a power greater than yourself? Oh, definitely. Um I mean, I've felt powerless for years. Like I know that I'm not in control, like my illness has debilitated me for so long. But just when it always seemed to kind of pop up, you know, when when I'm kind of flying high when I feel like I'm untouchable, then suddenly I get a little reminder that, you know, I'm fallible. I've got weaknesses, you know, and can't get above my station, so to speak. But But yeah, I think I think that I've always looked for the magic in the wrong place. And what I mean by that is that I've always looked for the magic in me to help me out of whatever situation I was in. And what this book opened up my mind to the idea of is the magic in other people. As you know, because I've been sent thousands of messages, these conversation cards sell out exceptionally quick. So, here's the deal I'm going to make with you. If you join the waiting list, which is in the description below, you will get sent access to buy these conversation cards 1 hour before anybody else. They're in limited supply, so if you really do want to get your hands on them, please do add your name to the waiting list in the description below. And you can find that waiting list at theconversationcards.com, but I'll also include it in the description below wherever you're listening to this episode. As you know, Whoop are a sponsor of this podcast, which came about from me being the biggest fan of their product. It's been an absolute game-changer for my sleep, for my recovery, and for my overall well-being. Whoop is a wearable device, this thing on my wrist right here if you're watching me, that not only tracks your health 24/7, but also guides you to improve it. It's probably the perfect gift for the person who has everything or is impossible to buy for, which is what my friends say to me, because it's the kind of gift that keeps on giving, offering real-time benefits for their health and their wellness forever. So, if you're on the hunt for the perfect present for a loved one or a team member or even for you this festive season, I would highly, highly recommend checking out Whoop. And they've very kindly offered our community here on the Diary of a CEO a special discount just for you, but keep this to yourself. If you head over to join.whoop.com/ceo, you can get that discount. Let me know who you get one for and how they get on. You have a TV show coming out tonight, which is really your grand return to the public stage. And that TV show is called Dynamo is Dead, and it's appearing on Sky tonight, which is very, very exciting. And I guess this links to what you just said about finding the magic in others, right? Yeah. Why are you doing this? What is it? I just need to get magic back in my life. Cuz that's the thing that I live for. And over the last few years when I've been working on myself, seeing a different type of magic, seeing magic in other people is what's given me that spark back. And the magic I've been seeing is not Dynamo magic. You know, it's something different. It's something that I'm feeling and I'm finally feeling it again. In fact, I feel like I'm feeling it for the first time. Like Edward Sim, my therapist. He's a very successful therapist. He doesn't need to offer me therapy for free. But he wanted to share some of his magic and that started to rewire my mind to realize, "Whoa, like there's some amazing people out there who can you know, who they can change lives. They're changing mine." You know, when I saw you 3 years ago, and we shared a candid conversation, you know, about some of the things I was feeling at the time. You first off listened to me. And there was no cameras around. It wasn't like this, you know, it was just you were you were present in the room with me. And then not only did you listen, but you you kind of helped in a small way. And that was magic. You know, I don't know if anybody knows who's watching this, but you are part of my new show. Don't know if you told anybody yet. Um, so you can also see you on the show tonight um in a different way than maybe they've used to seeing you. Definitely. But like your story, you know, like I think one of the things I realized for a lot of people from places like where I'm from speaking to a therapist seems like the last thing you would feel comfortable doing. You know, I'm from a council estate. We're working class. We're like, you know, if you you're told if you've got a problem, just suck it up, you know, be a man. You can't talk about your problems, you know, like you've got to get on with it, you know. What's that expression that keep calm and carry on, you know, that's it was like it's kind of like instilled in us. I wanted to show people from where I'm from that it's okay to ask for help. It's okay to be broken. It's okay to not know the answers. And I'm not too proud to go out there and search for the answers for people, you know, like And I've gone around the world using the you know, the platform that I have, you know, I I've obviously as Dynamo um the name opens doors. So, but opening doors just for myself is pointless cuz it's only feeding my own ego. But I realized that if I could use that platform to speak to individuals candidly about dealing with any type of trauma dealing with not feeling good enough, dealing with all the things that I felt that made me not want to be alive anymore then maybe that can save someone else's life. And I know it's a grand grandiose mission statement. I don't take it lightly. I don't you know, I like I can I'm barely saving my own life at the minute to you know, so I don't want to like throw it so loosely but you know but like I can save someone else's life. No, but that's exactly what it does. That that is exactly what it does and there are lives that you never really get to see, but just even in sharing how you felt and how you've risen from that. This is exactly what Simon Gunning told me. It does save people's lives. And in this new chapter of your life following this show tonight called Dynamo: A Celebration on Sky you're going to continue to do that. And if there was ever a time and I think this is why when you when you came up to me at that event many a year ago and started telling me a little bit about your story I think I probably said it to you then, but I'm not sure um if there's ever a time when people need that when they need a little bit of joy and they need a little bit of escapism and they need a little bit of wonder and they need their imagination to be stretched into what is real and what is possible and what is impossible it is now. And you know that. You know that's what people need now. And that means we need you now. I had the idea obviously to make this show when we first started speaking. But when my nan died, I I realized then that the Dynamo as we know it needed to die with her. And that the only way to fully have closure on that part of my life was if I actually bury myself alive. And tonight after the show plays out live on Sky, I'm going to be doing that. You're going to bury yourself alive? Mhm. In order to kill off the Dynamo identity? Yeah. And yeah, I I mean, I haven't I haven't put myself in that hole yet. Right. So, you know, what will happen after that point is hard to really kind of summarize because there's only been a few times in my life where I've done like crazy like, you know, endurance feats like this. And something in you changes when you do them. You know, it's a incredibly scary thought. But since I've thought about it, you know, since the 7th of May 2021, I thought it's the only way to move forward in my life. And yeah, tonight after the show finishes you'll be able to see it live. But it's not for me. It's it's not like a stunt. It's not on it's not about escaping. It's a cleansing for me. And I feel like it will be one of the most incredible scary things I've ever done. But the thing I've learned over the last few years is that I've got to stop being scared and just start living my life. I'm I'm both terrified and excited in equal measure to watch the show tonight. I had no idea you were burying yourself alive, so that's terrifying, but I understand your rationale. Um and I'm very excited to see what happens. Stephen I would like to see some magic if possible. Is there some magic you can show me right now? Yeah, do you want to get some of your friends in as well? My team? Yeah. My team are upstairs. Um Jack, could you bring the team downstairs? What do you guys do here at DOAC? I am a video editor at DOAC. Nice. I'm head of trailers for the podcast. They're some good trailers as well. Thank you. Uh I'm head of the bookings. Do you want to mix some? You go for it. Go on, then. You want to as well? Some of We'll split them. You can both mix. Yeah, yeah. Is this the best shuffling you've ever seen? I mean, it's not bad. It's not the worst. Usually it's when you find a table and you just do all that. Standard edition here. Can I mix these others as well? Mix these in. So, I'll I'll mix these all together here. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know what? Let's just have everybody pick one. We'll just We'll just try this. So, take one out, Steven. Uh there we go. And mine is There we go. Thank you. Don't let me see. I'll look down so I can't see them. Just remember them and maybe show them to the cameras so that the people at home can remember them, too. Yeah. Cool. I'm going to I'm going to look up now. Yeah. Yeah? I'll take this one first. It's one. Two. Three. Four. I'll give them a Give them a shuffle. I'll do one of those for you. Okay. Ooh. That is so cool. Oh my god. So, the first card and That's one. King of diamonds. That's mine. That's your card. Fire. Name your card out loud. Four of spades. Four of spades. If I just take this and just give it a little snap like that, we get the four of spades. Yeah? So, um Send two, I think. I've got IS THAT YOURS? AND THEN FOR STEVEN'S, INSTEAD OF FINDING IT, I'LL just I'll make all the other cards disappear. Even. What? Oh my god. Where'd they go? When you When you look under your pillow tonight Yeah. They're They're They're going to be WOW. THAT IS UNREAL. UM CRAZY. DON'T WORRY. I I did bring a spare deck of cards just in case. Yeah. How many packs of cards do you have? I'm trying I'm trying to cut down to two packs a day. Take one. Thank you. And then Stephen, have you got a pen? Yeah. Can you write your name on the face of the card? On on the on this side. Yeah, on the other side. And in fact pass it around so all of you can sign it. Yeah. Oh my god these ones. I've seen these on telly. Getting a few things I'm going to need. Perfect. Have you signed it as well? Yeah. Great. Place it right there face down. Yeah. Did you show the camera? No. Maybe show the camera real quick. Yeah. Perfect. So it's about halfway down. I've got a pound coin. Mhm. Do you want to check it out? I can confirm it's a real pound coin. And I've got a little piece of paper. I'm going to place it like this. In fact, um you can see you can see clearly but the card it's it's in the middle where you placed it. That's that's not the card. Not on the top. Oh my god. What? That's going to be it isn't it? The bottom. Do the coin burns through the pack. Right through. It didn't go all the way through the pack. You see, it stopped on one card. Take a look. You take a look. No. Oh my days. What on earth is taking it? Jim. Yeah. Have you ever had a time in your life where you feel people have got close to you, but then they've almost like lured you into a false sense of security, so that they can almost like manipulate you and like pull your heartstrings. Do you know what I mean? Have you ever had that? Ooh. Uh, didn't realize this was a dark area. No. Um Yeah, I guess I could say maybe. Okay. Someone. Okay, cool. Not not to be a person, I think, but just like a time where you've experienced that, where you maybe Manipulation. Yeah. So, put your hand on my chest. And I want you to start to describe the types of emotions you'd feel when you went through that sort of thing. Insecurity. Lack of confidence. Um Stupid. Stupid, okay. And then, I just want you to name a color. Red. Red. Okay. So, imagine these feelings were attached to a heartstring. A heartstring would be red, right? You can you feel that pressure, right? Yeah. Slowly I'm just going to pull down my top where your hand is. Oh. Oh, it's red string. What? See that? Oh my god. Can you see that, right? Oh my god, your chest. Oh my days. Just Should I touch it? Yeah, touch You can touch It's my It's my my It's It's coming out my chest. Like you can feel it on my chest, yeah? Yeah. Take it. Oh god. What Take Pull it? Yeah. Slowly pull it out of my chest. Oh, it's a bit tight. Oh. Oh. Oh yeah. You're pulling on a dark string. Can you feel this? Mhm. Okay. Oh, sorry. More? Yeah. Is it going to come out? Pull it all the way, yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh my god. Oh. Oh my god, this is FREAKING ME OUT. MORE? HOW long is the start string? That long? Oh. THAT FEELS STICKY. WOAH. FOR ME, MAGIC is about taking something that kind of doesn't exist, like a like a little a little spark in your mind, yeah? And then somehow being able to bring it to life. I spent the last few years not feeling like I had the magic in me that I really wanted to share. But, there was always that fire somewhere deep inside of me dying to get out. So, can you take the lighter? Here we go again. And can you put your hands together like this for me? Light the lighter. Cuz I'm going to take fire and from fire you get ice. OH MY GOD. WHAT? OH, THAT'S ACTUAL ICE. AS you guys know, I'm a big fan of Huel. I'm an investor in the company, and they sponsor this podcast. And what I've done for you, I put together what I call the Huel Steven bundle, which is a selection of my favorite products from Huel, including the black edition salted caramel flavor, which is super high in protein and has 17 servings per container, my favorite Huel bottle here, which comes with my bundle, and also the brand new and very exciting Huel complete nutrition bars. This is chocolate caramel. You can see from the empty box in front of me that I've eaten most of them, right? Me and my team here. If you leave these on the counter for 5 seconds, they'll go. I'm going to say something I've never said. When Huel first made their bar many, many years ago, I tried it and I didn't like it. So, I've never talked about it on this podcast. They've spent roughly the last 2 to 3 years making a brand new bar, which I absolutely love, and that's why I now talk about it because it's a product that I eat. If you want to order them yourself and get started on your Huel journey, the link is in the description below. In this podcast episode, wherever you're listening to it, there'll be a Steven's bundle link and check it out. Do you need a podcast to listen to next? We've discovered that people who liked this episode also tend to absolutely love another recent episode we've done. So, I've linked that episode in the description below. I know you'll enjoy it.