“DMT Actually Saved My Life” - Navy SEAL

Have you done 5-MeO-DMT? You should. You should. It's not like anything on this planet. It is a it's super fast. It takes no time to build up. But they sit you down and it's supposed to be a purge. And knowing everything I know now, and I've been down quite a few times now, and I've taken guys down and hosted medicine for them. Everything that conjured up from Ibogaine, if I would not have done 5-MeO, and I would have went home in that state, I probably wouldn't be here. I had not come to terms and accepted everything that I did. I wanted to go home and confess and do all this stuff. >> [gasps] >> I was disgusted with myself. Every every vile thing I'd ever said to my wife or my kids or relationships I'd sacrificed and compartmentalization, I felt so guilty for it. And it was like that yard of beer, just traumas coming out of my mouth. And it's like you know, those moments where you're sitting there brushing your teeth looking at yourself in the mirror and you're like DJ, I can't believe you've done this. I can't believe this is your reality. Like you've actually done this, and you have to live with this [ __ ] now. How? How did you get so far off track from where you were to this point now? And you're sitting there literally staring in the mirror just like this in disbelief, like I can't believe you [ __ ] did this. Like this is you're really going to have to live through this. I can't I can't do it. I don't want to go home. I don't want to look at her. I don't want to break her heart. I don't want to lose the things I have right now. I don't want to face reality. And they kind of get you worked up in a 5-MeO-DMT. We laid back there and you smoke it out of this crack pipe, and it looks so intimidating. Like it's in a little glass vial. I mean, you're heating it up like you're smoking a crack rock. And as soon as you lay your head back, when you exhale, it's like your whole body consolidates into a single spark, and then it explodes. It feels and it looks like you know, when Star Trek is taking off those trails, it's like that. and then you end up in stratosphere. Just surrounded by whatever. It is the craziest thing. But, the guy told me when you go, he's like, "Hey, whatever happens, let it happen. If you think you're going to die, die. If you think you're going to explode, explode. If you think you're going to drown, just drown. Just one big exhale and let it take you." In the moment, you don't do that. In the moment, you're like you're trying to hold on to it, hold on to it. So, I would throw my arms out, I would scream, and then I'd ball up, and I'd cry. 10, 15 minutes of like the ugliest crying you've ever seen. Uncontrollable, like throwing up crying. Like, cry so hard you throw up. I woke up, and I sat up, and he looked at me, and he went "That wasn't it." >> [laughter] >> What do you mean that wasn't it? Like, that was everything I had. He's like "Hit him again." I was >> [laughter] >> "You want me to do that again?" He's like, "Hit him again." I did six rounds of that, dude. Back-to-back-to-back, over and over. And on the sixth one, >> [snorts] >> this nurse came over, little Mexican nurse, super cool. And there was a team guy sitting off to my left or right, and he's like "You want to die, right?" And I said "Yeah." He goes "Then kill yourself. Do it right now with the medicine. Like, stop messing around, stop with all the theatrics, stop crying, just do it. Kill yourself right now." It is true. I don't want to go home. I don't want to confess this. I am. I'll do it right now. I'm going to smoke this with the intention to kill myself, and I'm going to hold my breath until it kills me. Cuz I'm not going home. Mhm. Give me that thing again. And now I went through with the intention I'm going to close this whole chapter out. So, I envisioned the smoke was purple. And as I'm smoking this thing, I can feel it going through my whole body. I'm trying to push it down to my tippy toes. I'm trying to coat my whole self. >> [snorts] >> I held back, and I held that thing as long as I could. I could feel my eyes starting to flutter. Like, it's really coming on. It feels like there's a it feels like there's a cell phone this big behind your sternum, and the whole thing starts to vibrate, and you're like you can't take it anymore. As soon as you exhale, the whole blast off happens and when that one happened, it killed me. Killed my ego, it reset the whole baseline and when I open up from that one, he looked at me and goes, "That's it." "How you feel now?" And I was like, "I've got to get home. I've got to get home right now. I've got to see my old lady. Got to see my old lady. Got to see my girls right now. I've got to get home. Got to get home right now." And then everything else kind of fell apart from there and we brought it all back together and It was rough, man. It was so rough. It was so worth it, though. If I wouldn't have gone down there, I wouldn't be here. 100%. There's not a chance. Not a chance. You got to go. You got to try. >> [laughter] >> You got to go. >> You're really not selling it to me. >> Bro, >> Okay, let's say somebody's somebody's listening and they go, "I'm not on 60 meds a day. >> You don't need to be. >> I'm not ex-war veteran with a ton of PTSD from being shot at and shooting at people and stuff like that." >> PTSD from that at all. Not an ounce of my experience, not a single piece of it had anything in the military. It went from my childhood, 0 to 16. Gapped it and then it picked me up when I transitioned up. Gapped the entire experience. I've been down I've done ibogaine four or five times and 5-MeO-DMT, I've never had a military experience ever. Nothing. Trauma's trauma. Last time I went down there, I went down with co-ed, males, females, civilians, women, everybody. Everybody's on the exact same path. You got trauma, that's how you get through it. That is 15, 20 years of therapy in 5 days. It's unreal. >> You've recently seen Trump sign that bill to fast-track research and he's got literally got ex-SEALs stood around him >> Do you not watch our film? >> Yes. >> Okay. So, Marcus and Amber, they're all part of that thing. They're really when it kicked off that whole initiative. We did a documentary, it's on Netflix, called Ibogaine in War. And that's really where the whole thing started from. Everybody got hooked up on there and got a bunch of Green Berets and a bunch of regular military fighter pilots, they're all in there and we just keep success after success after success. And you see it and you're like, >> [gasps] >> "Why are we not doing this?" They've been doing it for thousands of years. Like, why are we not letting us go? And it's all from a bunch of spillover stuff from the '50s, '60s, and '70s about psychedelics are bad and they'll rot your brain and I don't know, man. I but I know it works and I know that I'm not on a single medication. Nothing. Not a pain pill, not an SSRI, not an Ambien, nothing. Nothing. What do you think happened? It killed everything I had inside me that was bad. >> [snorts] >> All my addictions, everything. It's all I'm not addicted to anything. Anything I do now it's cuz I want to. Which isn't necessarily always a good thing cuz I like to do some bad [ __ ] too. But it resets the whole baseline. Like everything that I was struggling with, it it swiped it all away. That becomes an issue if you try to reintegrate and that's what I tell the guys now. The version of me that came back from Mexico was so far out from the person that my wife had come accustomed to for the last 10 years, she didn't believe it. If you watch the film, you'll get to see it in real time. When I was going through the Ibogaine, my wife hacked my phone and found out about all the affairs. Simultaneous. So, I don't have my cell phone for 5 days. So, the whole time I'm going through, she's getting lawyers and divorcing me. Boxed all my stuff, took it to the shop, dropped it off, drew up divorce papers, the whole thing. >> of a reintegration. >> Cousin. Got an ultrasound photo. She's got it all. She saw everything I had done. No action. So, when I come out of the medicine, they give you your cell phone right before you cross the border. They give you a little script to say like, "Hey, I'm I'm so happy to be on the other side of the I can't wait to come home and see you and explain everything. It's just too much to put into a text or into a phone call. So I'd rather just not talk until I see you live. That's what you're supposed to say. So everybody goes out. They all call their wives. Hey. Hey. Hey. Straight to voicemail. Well, typical. Like my wife never answers her phone anyway. Text her. Doesn't go through. Like Call her. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Like 3 4 hours nothing. I'm getting ready to fly home. We're going from San Diego to Atlanta. Atlanta to Norfolk. We leave. We land in Atlanta. As soon as I power my phone in Atlanta, I get a notification. The password to your Instagram has been changed. And I flick it over and it's my ghost account. I'm like >> [gasps] >> Now the password to email has been changed. I was like oh no. [ __ ] I'm not even going to have a chance to tell her now. Like now there's no integration. Now I've lost everything. I went out to next field. I've got this new version of myself that I'll never be able to show it to her. >> Mhm. >> She's not taking me back after this. And then everything kind of went from there. Icy, dude. Dicy. You want to hear about it? >> Mhm. >> [snorts] >> We land in Norfolk. We drive into the shop. I get out. My other two business partners time. The all their families are out there. All the employees are out there. Hugs and kisses and I can feel the tension. The other wives know. A couple of the employees they know because they've seen my wife bringing in boxes for the last 3 days stacking my office. Still haven't got a hold of her. But I'm still not totally sure. Like there's a chance that by some freak mystery And then I get into the building and I walk upstairs and I open up my office and I mean floor to ceiling. There must have been 25 30 boxes. Everyone was perfectly folded. Socks, underwear, black t-shirts, normal t-shirts, jeans, this, this, military Everything I own was in those boxes. Like I looked over and the other two wives are standing out there with my two business partners and like, "What's going on?" They had no idea. And I looked at him and I was like Gave him a hug, kissed him on the cheek, I was like, "See you on Monday." Fist bump, knowing that I was never going to see him on Monday. Went straight downstairs, we got a big armory. >> [gasps] >> Grabbed my pistol, shoved it in my waistband, jumped in my truck, and drove. Got in my car and I was driving out to um It's a private beach on the backside of this military base. We used to have a house we lived out there. It's a one-shot road and it's probably about a 20-minute drive. And I was probably 10 minutes into this drive and it terminates, it's a dead end. And she was tracking my cell phone. We had Share My iPhone, so she knew where I was going and I got about 10 minutes down and she called my phone. And my heart rate is at 190. It's like I can't pick it up. And I almost didn't. It's like I pick it up and I was like, "Hello?" She goes "Where are you and what are you doing?" And I said, "Patsy, I I Honey, I I don't have the strength in me. I don't have the strength to see you right now." And she's like, "Where are you going?" I said, "I don't want to talk about it. Um I'm just so [ __ ] sorry." And I hung up the phone. Made it down there and backed into a parking spot and I put on a song and I told myself at the end of the song, as soon as it was done, I was going to get out, I was going to walk down the beach to the water's edge, waist-deep water, and I was going to shoot myself in the head. Close the whole thing out and just be done. No no goodbye, no sad story, no nothing, just let me close this thing out and be done. And as soon as I backed in, she had already told two or three of the wives that lived on that road that I was driving down there. They had jumped out with their husbands and had flanked me and were staged all around the vehicle cuz they didn't know what I was going to do. I guess they were going to try to apprehend me or something. What was the song he chose? >> Experience [sighs] by Ludovico. You ever heard it? Yeah, you have. Guaranteed. We'll play it in a little bit. Um that song had probably God, man, 30 seconds left, maybe. Maybe 30 seconds left. And she called again. And I looked up and she was right there. Driving down the road. I was like oh, [ __ ] Sitting on the back of my truck, I got a pistol right next to me, just waiting for the song to end. Here we go. She pulls right up, walks over. I've never seen anybody as strong as her, never. And she walked right up, opened my legs up, and walked up essentially crotch to crotch, and leaned over and pulled my sunglasses off, and then exploded in hysteria. My eyes were crystal clear. They were green for the first time in a decade. She saw it. She knew that something had happened. And we just laid there. Or stood there, held each other, and just bawled. And she backed up, and she goes, "How the [ __ ] could you do this to me?" I don't know. I don't know. I don't have any excuse. Went through the whole thing, and you know, I told her, I was like "I know there's no way we're going to work this out. I know there's no way you're ever going to let me see my kids again. I know this, I know this, I know this. Um I just want an opportunity to say goodbye to them. And she said, "DJ, we've come so far right now. Like we've been through so much together. We've been together since I was 22. We've been through so much right now. We don't have to stay married. You can't close this out right now. We'll solve it tomorrow. Let's go. Get in the car. Let's go home. Let's see the girls. Let's pretend like this hasn't happened, and we'll deal with it tomorrow. Let's not ruin this for them. They're excited to see you. Let's just we'll shelve it. She put all that [ __ ] on the back burner. >> [gasps] >> Right after that, she goes, "But before we do I want to hear I want to hear everything. Everything what? Every detail, every ounce of it. Every single person, every single day, tell me everything right now. That way I never have to ask you again. >> [snorts] [sighs and gasps] >> And I did. We sat down and we went through everything I had done, all the affairs, everything. And we got through it right then. We went back home that night, reintegrated with the kids, and we sat down on the edge of my bed and I scrolled through my phone and every person who was of conflict or potential conflict, I blocked and deleted their contact. Everybody. Family members, anybody. Anybody who had been toxic in my life that I've been trying to foster that relationship or anything else. New different SEAL teams. I need to control the controllables and right now all of this is a bandwidth suck and I'm not doing it ever again. That one guy that every time he calls my heart kind of drops a little bit like, "God, what does this guy want?" Block and delete, block and delete. Probably 150 people. Gone. And then I told her, I was like, "We don't have to stay married. We can get divorced, we can do whatever we want to. I'm just asking you for one singular day to show you that I've changed. And then the day I don't, I want you to shake hand with me as soon as it happens. We'll go and sign paperwork, sign a postnup, all this stuff. I'm like, "As soon as I do anything, she's got the house, she's got this, all my assets, giving her. Take it all. I don't want a single thing. I just want one day and I take it set I take it one day at a time every single day. It's been the greatest thing to ever happen to us. We our relationship is so badass now. If If you sit in a room with me and her together, we'll be your two favorite people. She is a [ __ ] unicorn, man. She is. She is truly my best friend now and I feel so guilty because I put her on the back burner for so long because I knew that I could. >> Yeah. >> She never left, never strayed away. She is the ultimate team wife and I just I refused to see it for the longest time. That is the thing that haunts me now. I don't have any PTSD. >> Yeah. >> People are like, "Oh, thank you for your service." Like, don't thank me for my service. Like, I would have paid to do that job. I'm like, "Oh, you must be so torn up on the things you had to do." Like, no. No, not a bit. I I loved every ounce of it. Even the bad stuff, I loved it. I loved the people I sacrificed to be able to do the selfish things I wanted to do. Her, most of all. Hard, man. But, I'll tell you what, that medicine, that is That's the only reason. You don't get to navigate through that with marriage counseling and talk therapy and date nights every Tuesday. That ain't going to get you through that. It's not. And that was our big conflict is I had changed so much over those 5 days that she thought it was [ __ ] >> Mhm. >> She's like, "There's no way you went from that guy to this guy in 5 days." I'm like, I don't know how else to show you except you got to go do a journey. I got her to go down and do psilocybin and 5-MeO-DMT. >> Why the Why not the ibogaine? >> She thought ibogaine would be too strong for her. I'm going to get her to go do ibogaine with me. We're going to do a couple's journey together at some point, but I got her to do to essentially the same people. Psilocybin, 5-MeO, and then we did a one together with psilocybin, MDMA, and 5-MeO. By the time we finished those, she knew exactly what it was. She's like, "He's changed." For sure. She's like, "You can't." It's like, I just did psilocybin and she is so different from the person she was that everything made sense now. >> Why are you continuing to go back to do more ibogaine if you think that you've already made the realizations that you needed? >> The second time I went down there is because I was taking somebody else. One of my buddies really on the struggle bus, about to end it all. And I was like, "Hey, man, I'll go with you." I had no intention of doing the medicine with him. And when I got down there, he's like, "What do you mean you're not going to do it?" I'll do it. Give it to me. I threw it right down. No prep, no warm-up, and just sent this. >> [laughter] >> I'm was "Hey, man, I I told you like there's nothing to be afraid of." Like you cold bought I begin. Send it. I've gone down there two or three times to host. Like you'll cook meals, you'll do dishes. You got roped into it. And then this last time we did it for the film, I had a buddy mine that got shot up really bad on my second deployment. He's like an idol to me. And he was just struggling really really hard, man. And I convinced him to go down there. And I told him I was like, "I'll stop whatever I am doing." It's in the film. But I was like, "Anything. I don't care what I'm doing. If I'm on a set of [ __ ] Rogan, and you call me, I'll get up in the middle of the interview, I'll fly to San Diego, and we'll go together." And he did. I I couldn't believe he did it. He called me. He goes, "Whenever you're ready, I'm ready to go." >> Mhm. >> How's Saturday? And he's like, "If you'll fly out here, I'll go." I was on a plane in 24 hours. I flew out there to non-Mexico, did the whole thing. >> It's funny that you were on a hat trick or a lot to go and kill people around the world for quite a while, and you were on a hat trick or a lot to go and save people, and I begin now. >> Hey, man. Like I get so much more benefit out of saving people through mental health than I ever did killing people. And I love killing people. Best job you'll ever have. But now, you know, he got through that whole experience, and then we made it probably another year and a half, and he was ready to go again. And same thing, he's like, "I don't know if I could do it again." I'll send it. It's all right. We went down again. I flew out to San Diego, and I cold called him. And I was like, "Hey, man. Do you remember when you said you needed me to go to Mexico with you?" He's like, "Yeah. I'm in San Diego. The bus leaves for Mexico in 30 minutes. Don't let me down." He did. His girlfriend dropped him off, gave him to me, number the backpack, went down to Mexico, and he's never been better. I don't know, man. But I do know that it's magic. When you take that medicine, you cannot believe it grows in the earth. You can't believe it. I can't believe the people have been using it for thousands of years, and it has not been more mainstream. You can't quantify it. There's nothing on this planet. I've taken every drug there is, everything. I've taken a bunch of weird stuff too during the transition. There's nothing like that. Every ounce of your addiction is gone instantly. It's crazy. >> What about the people who don't have addictions? >> Everybody has addictions. Sometimes it's your own ego. Whatever you have going on, depression, suicide ideation, substance abuse, women, whatever it is, whatever your thing is, you just don't feel right anymore, I'd go do that. >> Jared, have you ever considered that you might have a drinking problem? >> I don't consider a lot, Chris. >> Well, you drank an entire case of Athletic Brewing Co. last night. >> But they're non-alcoholic. >> And that's not a problem? >> Sorry, man. I I just kept chugging waiting for the regret to creep in. Never happened. >> See, most people, like Jared, don't want to change what they drink. They just don't want the next day to be a complete write-off. And that is why I'm such a huge fan of Athletic Brewing Co. They make the best NA brews on the planet. You can find Athletic Brewing Co.'s best-selling lineup at grocery or liquor stores near you, or best option, get a full variety pack of four flavors shipped direct to your door. 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