Video summary
In this discussion on self-compassion, Mel Robbins argues that being overly hard on oneself acts as a significant roadblock to intrinsic motivation and sustained progress. She illustrates how constant self-castigation prevents individuals from feeling good about their actions, making it difficult to maintain momentum even when they are acting like the person they want to be. Instead of pushing for more with a "chip on your shoulder," Robbins suggests shifting one's mindset to celebrate small wins, such as holding two jobs or managing energy well throughout the day. By treating oneself and others with encouragement rather than criticism, individuals can create an unbelievable sense of internal momentum that allows them to 10x their results in areas already going well. The conversation extends these principles into leadership and business contexts, where Robbins advises leaders to stop hyperfixating on failures or minor mistakes while ignoring the multitude of things people do correctly every day. She emphasizes the importance of recognizing positive actions like answering emails, attending meetings despite perceived waste, showing kindness during difficult times for others, and quickly apologizing for tone issues. This approach counters the tendency to dump stress onto loved ones by checking one's energy at the door before leaving work. By focusing on what is going right rather than dwelling solely on errors, leaders can foster a more positive environment that acknowledges human effort without falling into self-oriented or other-oriented perfectionism traps. Robbins explores the complex tension between maintaining high standards and accepting imperfection in both oneself and others. She describes her philosophy as possessing "ruthless compassion," which involves demanding excellence based on one's current capability rather than an impossible standard of perfection. For instance, if a person can only give 40% effort on a specific day due to circumstances, they have still operated with excellence by giving their best under those conditions. However, this high standard does not extend to tolerating rudeness or allowing personal emergencies to become others' problems within her company. This balance requires significant self-awareness and self-control to ensure that one's stress levels do not negatively impact interactions with vendors, partners, or colleagues. A central theme of the dialogue is mastering the art of distinguishing between what is controllable and what is not, a concept Robbins simplifies into two phrases: "let them" and "let me." Saying "let them" serves as a cue to recognize when external factors like other people's moods, opinions, or behaviors are penetrating one's mental space; it acknowledges that these elements are outside of personal control. Conversely, saying "let me" reminds individuals that life is ultimately defined by only three things: what you think about, what happens around you (the settings in your mind), and how you choose to respond through action. Robbins shares a personal revelation from her first fifty-four years where emotions ran her over like chemical explosions she could not control, contrasting this with the skill of allowing those emotions to rise and fall while intentionally choosing one's response. Ultimately, the discussion concludes that balancing autonomy, intentionality, acceptance, and bias for action is an artistic endeavor rather than a simple task, though it becomes simpler when applied consistently. Robbins notes that shifting from a mindset where external frustrations dictate internal states to one where individuals choose their responses creates a powerful directional signal in life. This shift allows people to square the circle of having high standards while accepting human fallibility, ensuring that they do not let outside forces hold too much power over them. The dialogue reinforces that true excellence is found in showing up with whatever capacity exists today and managing one's internal settings so that emotional reactions serve as data points for intentional choice rather than drivers of behavior.
Read the full video transcript
What have you learned about
self-compassion? Because in this I can
imagine an awful lot of
self-castigation.
>> Yeah.
>> What have you learned about
self-compassion?
>> That I would have probably had results
faster if I had not been so hard on
myself. It is very difficult to be
motivated
when in terms of like continuing to keep
going and the intrinsic motivation
because you start to feel good that
you're acting like the person that you
want to be when you have a chip on your
shoulder and you're constantly well okay
but you could have done this. Oh okay
great that you're working two jobs but
you better get a third. And
the power, it sounds so cheesy, but the
power
of learning how to change the settings
in your mind so that you 10x
on the things that are going well.
And you call out, "Good job on that.
Good job on that. I'm proud of you for
getting two jobs. You're you're doing
enough today. Like you're doing a lot.
Actually,
there's something about shifting that
tough love mentality with yourself once
you kind of have that first breakthrough
and becoming more of an encourager. And
I think this is true about business too.
You know, if you if you are a person
that wants to be a great leader, stop
focusing on the things that are going
wrong and triple down on what you see
people doing well. Because when you
triple down and you pull out because you
don't realize people do like a hundred
things great every day,
but we personally hyperfixate on the one
thing that didn't go well
as if it's the only thing that you did
today and you forget you answered 73
emails. Great job. You showed up for
those seven Zoom meetings that were a
waste of your time. Great job. You were
kind to the person
that was having a really hard day. Good
job. You managed your energy well
and instead of coming home and just
dumping your stress on everybody and
then blaming work for it, treating the
people that you care the most the worst,
you checked yourself at the door.
Good job. Yeah, you might not have
gotten that thing. You may have like had
a lousy tone of voice with that person,
but you you apologize pretty quickly.
Good job. Like when you can start to
notice the things you're doing well, it
creates this unbelievable sense of
momentum inside of you because you're
not kind of like self-criticism is like
this roadblock where you stop your own
like momentum. Have you ever been in a
meeting where you know you're
brainstorming with people and it's like
in a flow and there's one person that's
like well
you're like what
dude like
read the room
and that that was a huge revelation to
me and it's it's a huge part of my
philosophy in terms of the way that I
lead.
>> Yes. and as opposed to no but because
the no but feels like it's slowing
everything down. So what I'm what I'm
interested in
>> is trying to square
>> all of the different circles that we've
got going on here. So
>> in one hand we have a lot of autonomy,
intentionality,
a kind of ruthlessness with decision-m a
bias for action.
>> Yes.
>> Um on the other we have uh a focus on
what's going well not what's going
wrong. Mhm.
>> We have a uh degree of
understanding uh and acceptance of where
you have fallen short and where other
people fall short too. So self-oriented
perfectionism is reduced, other oriented
perfectionism is also reduced.
>> But then we have this balance between
letting things happen,
>> uh life happening to us or life
happening to other people perhaps
>> and us happening to life. trying to find
the middle of the ven diagram of all of
these uh doesn't seem superbly simple,
right? I'm going to
make a change. That's on me.
>> Mhm.
>> I'm going to accept myself when I fall
short, but also have high standards.
>> This tension. Uh I am going to let other
people show their behavior in a manner
that allows me to judge them.
>> Uhhuh.
>> But I'm also going to hold boundaries in
a way which means that they're not
crossed.
>> Yeah.
This seems uh
art almost artistic in the ability to
balance all of these things.
>> It's the simplest thing in the world. It
really is. Um I
am probably I would imagine you're this
way. I'm one of the most intentional
people in the world and I
think a lot about the outcome that I am
driving toward and what I'm doing and
why
and
that becomes a directional signal that I
can point toward
and a lot of my intentionality
you know I'll just give an example like
we were ruthless and I love that you use
that word because I feel like I'm a
person that has ruthless compassion
like I have the highest standards in the
world for myself.
I
demand a level of excellence which does
not mean perfectionism.
>> It means showing up to the best of my
capability today.
And you know, if I'm on a day where I
can only give 40% and I gave 40%, I I
actually operated with excellence. But I
operate with a level of excellence that
also demands excellence in the way that
you interact with other people. I will
not tolerate rudeness. I will not
tolerate that you make your emergencies
other people's emergencies in my
company. I will not tolerate uh people
uh being short with other people that
we're working with, whether it's vendors
or partners, that it takes a level of
self-awareness and self-control to be
able to check your own energy and not
make your stress somebody else's. And so
that's a fine line. But in terms of the
let them, you know, like what are other
people responsible for? what am I
responsible for?
>> It's so simple.
It is such a simple construct when you
really start to apply it because
the four words whether you're talking
about moments when you say let them
you're just cuing to yourself moments
where the outside world or other people
whether it's their opinions, their
moods, their stress, their behavior,
their expectations, their emotions where
they are penetrating your brain space or
they're penetrating your stress levels.
That's all that it is. It's a When you
say let them, you are recognizing that
you're in a moment where something
outside of your control is frustrating
you or stressing you out. And you are
queuing yourself to not allow something
outside of you to hold that much power
over you. And when you say let me, you
remind yourself that there's in life
there's only three things you got.
That's it. It's what you think about
what's happening and that's the settings
in your mind that we keep coming back
to. It's what you do or don't do
in response to it. And it is your the
skill that you can develop of knowing
that when those emotions, the chemical
explosions in your body that you will
never be able to control, when those
emotions fire off,
do you have the skill to let them rise
and fall and then choose intentionally
how you're going to respond or do those
emotions run you over? And for the first
50 year, four years of my life, my
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