Video summary
Mel Robbins recounts a profound moment from her time hosting a podcast where she heard Dr. Paul Kiyak describe feeling, throughout his entire life, that someone was mad at him and waiting to find out what he had done wrong. This specific sentiment resonated deeply with Mel, as it mirrored an internal experience of ambient surveillance, judgment, and a pervasive sense of "wrongness" or inadequacy she herself carried for years. She realized that this feeling was not a unique personal curse bestowed upon her alone but rather a shared human texture often misunderstood by those who believed they were broken or defective. Hearing another articulate such an idiosyncratic formulation transformed the experience from one of isolation into something recognizable, suggesting it might be a feature of certain psychological makeups rather than a bug. The root of this feeling is explained through Dr. Kiyak's concept of "attribution," a developmental window in childhood where safety depends entirely on attachment to adults who cannot survive without them. Because children lack the cognitive ability to attribute external chaos or adult moods to factors outside themselves, they instinctively internalize everything that goes wrong as their own fault. If a parent returns home angry due to work stress, a child does not think "something happened at work"; instead, they believe, "I am wrong." This survival mechanism trains the brain to constantly scan for signs of disapproval or impending doom, leading adults who grew up in chaotic households with abandonment, poverty, or unpredictability to feel like they are walking on eggshells. The uncertainty of a parent's mood upon waking creates a state of dread where leaving bed feels unsafe because one cannot predict if the day will bring screaming matches or silence. Mel illustrates how these childhood patterns persist into adulthood by sharing an anecdote about her friend Joe and his six-year-old daughter, who would cry when she was actually angry. When asked why she cried instead of getting mad at people running away from anger while coming to comfort sadness, the child revealed that crying elicited help whereas shouting caused abandonment. This dynamic highlights a crucial psychological distinction: sadness is pro-social because it invites connection and aid, while anger is antisocial as it often triggers flight responses in others. Consequently, many individuals who are chronically sad or down have developed poor relationships with their own anger because they learned that expressing rage leads to isolation, whereas vulnerability brings support. This adaptation reinforces the cycle of internalizing negative emotions rather than addressing external sources of conflict. The discussion concludes by emphasizing the power of reflection and awareness in breaking these ingrained cycles. Even if specific childhood memories are hazy or forgotten, their physiological and emotional programming remains active decades later. The exciting realization is that simply noticing this pattern allows an individual to question whether it still serves them; while being hyper-vigilant once ensured survival as a child, it no longer functions well in adulthood. By identifying the "levers" of these old settings—such as the automatic thought that someone is mad at me—one can consciously choose to override them with tools like affirming one's safety and capacity regardless of external circumstances. This shift from unconscious reaction to conscious choice represents a reclaiming of personal power, allowing individuals to stop feeling victimized by an invisible enemy and instead recognize their ability to be okay no matter what happens.
Read the full video transcript
I can't even remember who it was I was
researching. I remember where I was. I
was in my old house. This must have been
over a year ago. I was in the kitchen of
my old house. I was listening to an
episode between you and a guest that I
had that was coming on. And you said a
throwaway line
that I haven't stopped thinking about
since then. You said, "All my life, I
always felt like somebody was mad at me.
>> It was felt like there was somebody I'd
done something wrong."
>> Uhhuh.
>> Somebody was mad at me and they were
going to find out. And I thought that
was just so interesting. It was the
first time I'd ever heard anybody. And
it certainly resonates with me.
>> Why does it resonate with you?
>> I just that sense that sense that
>> someone's mad at me. I' I've I've messed
up and or or or
somebody's going to shout at me for
something that I've done or not done. I
should have. I don't know what it is. I
don't know who it is. I don't know where
it's coming from.
>> Yeah. this like ambient sense of
surveillance or
judgment
>> or
wrongness, not enoughness.
>> Yeah.
>> And uh that was that was the first time
that I'd ever heard it and I really
thought, "Wow." Like I really, you know,
the the the beautiful thing about
listening to that I found especially in
my late 20s and now that I'm part of the
industry, listening to conversations is
that you get to hear the inner texture
of somebody's mind in a way that makes
you feel less alone.
>> Yes.
>> Because you think, I thought it was just
me. I thought this was some personal
curse, one in 8 billion that I'd been
[ __ ] you know, bestowed or thrown at
by the gods. Yeah. And this unique
idiosyncratic formulation that I am was
broken or deficient or defective in some
way that nobody else can understand.
>> Correct.
>> And to hear someone else say something
that is close to you, you go, "Oh, maybe
this is a feature. Maybe it's not a bug.
Maybe this is the cost of business or
the price of entry."
>> It's just a setting in your mind. And
that was I'd be willing to guess that
was either Dr. Paul Ki from Standard
>> was Dr. Paul Ki. Yeah.
>> Um remember
>> the reason why I remember it because it
also came up with uh Dr. Gabbor Mate
>> wouldn't have been Gab. He hasn't been
on but Paul has
>> my show.
>> Yeah. Paul has been on my show. Gabbor
hasn't been on my show.
>> Got it. Okay. Got it. Got it. So um
the part of the conversation that I had
with Dr. Kanti that was revoly for me
and I thought why don't we teach people
this was there was an entire
conversation
about a psychological
developmental window that Dr. Kanti
called attribution.
And if you think about the design of a
human being, I mean the [snorts]
intelligence
in the design of a human being and how
we are wired to grow and it's just
mesmerizing.
But there is one aspect of the way that
a human being is designed that I think
is flawed and highly cruel. And it's
this developmental window that Dr. Kanti
talked about in the interview that I did
with him on my podcast
around the fact that children
do not have something called
attribution.
meaning because our safety
is predicated on being able to be secure
and safe and attached to the adults
around us. We can't survive without
them. We as children are wired to be
completely tuned into them. But we do
not have yet the ability to attribute
anything that's going sideways around us
to anyone but us. So when mom or dad
come home or the teacher or anybody else
comes home and they like slam the thing
down and you're like, you know,
you don't think
they're wrong. You don't think, yeah,
something happened at work. Mom's m
dad's mad has nothing. you think I'm
wrong. And because you're supposed to
for your safety stay connected to them,
it trains you that it's your job
to somehow make this okay.
And for me, for some people that means
you just go into yourself and you shut
down. Some people lean in and, you know,
try to make everything okay.
And what can develop is just this
lagging sense that someone's mad at me.
And this also happens a lot if you grew
up in a household where there was a lot
of chaos or there was abandonment or
poverty or you know this feeling like
you know I I don't know what mood
somebody's going to be in. I'm going to
be walking on eggshells or the other
shoe's about to drop. I'm not safe.
>> Unpredictability.
Ambiguity.
>> Yes. Because we are so emotionally just
we're in that theta state where
everything is hyperdeveloping and we're
like a sponge absorbing everything.
It is so common and I think this is why
it's hard to get out of bed. Yeah, sure
the cortisol and everything else and
beds are cozy and you're with your loved
one and the dog's in there and it's
wonderful. Why do you want to get out of
bed? I think there's a deeper
psychological thing for a large number
of people that over and over and over
again in your childhood you woke up in a
situation that put you on edge.
>> I'm safe in bed. Bed is certain. Outside
of bed is uncertain.
>> That's why you feel dread is unsafe.
>> Like the second I get out of bed, I
don't know what mood they're going to be
in.
>> The second I get out of bed, I got to go
to that school where I don't like
belong. The second I get out of bed, you
know, my dad's going to be screaming at
me. the second I get out of bed, like I
don't know what I'm like, there's no
breakfast.
>> You know what's really cool that I
learned on that retreat? Joe told this
story. He's got daughters.
>> Uhhuh.
>> And uh his daughter was 6 years old. And
there was a period where she was getting
upset a lot.
>> Mhm.
>> And he found her crying in the bathroom.
>> And he said, "What's wrong, honey? Like
what is it?" And she was crying, but the
way that she was speaking sounded angry.
We said, "Are you upset or are you
pissed off?" She said, "I'm pissed off."
He said, "Okay, you know, when you're
crying, how often are you pissed off and
how often are you sad?" He says, "At
least half the time I'm pissed off." He
said, "Well, why is it that you're
crying when you're pissed off? Why
aren't you angry?" He said, "Well,
when I cry, my sister comes to comfort
me, but when I'm angry, everyone runs
away."
Oh, she's adapting.
>> That is That hit me like a [ __ ] ton
of bricks because it goes to show in
this very strange way sadness is
pro-social
and anger is antisocial.
>> Mhm.
>> And this is why I think so many people
who are regularly sad and down have a
poor relationship with that anger.
>> Mhm.
>> They have learned that if I shout and
scream, people run away, but if I cry,
people come and help me.
>> Mhm. And just that,
wow, maybe I'm not sad. Maybe I'm angry.
And maybe I have the right to be angry.
Maybe I'm allowed to be angry. But
anger, there's two types of people in
the world as far as I can see. There's
people that get mad and people that get
sad. People that get mad point the
finger at the world. And people get sad
point that madness inward. Mhm.
>> And uh yeah, it's uh
it's very interesting to work out how
childhood patterns percolate through
into adulthood. And when you see
everybody is essentially a
>> a grown-up infant still walking around
the patterns that were uh ingrained
decades ago. You know, I had Bernie
Sanders on the show a couple like guys
83
like the stuff that happened to you. How
many of the things from your childhood
can you still sort of viscerally
remember? You got all of these
experiences, this stuff you've had to
learn, but you're still programmed by
it. As Paul Kiy says, even if you can't
recall it, it's still
>> But what's exciting, and this is, I
think, the throughine of a lot of what
we've been talking about. The cool thing
about the ability to reflect and notice,
oh, that feels a lot like me. Oh,
interesting. Is now that you're aware of
it, you can stop and ask yourself, does
this setting work for me? Because when
you were little, it helped you. It's a
It's a sign that you were mentally well.
If you woke up and you were a little
nervous, if you grew up in a household
where things were chaotic, that's a sign
that things were working correctly. But
if it's not serving you anymore, I think
it is so exciting to know that simply
saying, "Wait a minute. Does it really
help me to wake up every day and go,
"Somebody's mad at me." Or could I
now notice that's there and use a tool,
and your tool works for this, by the
way,
I'm going to be okay. No matter what
happens, I'm going to be okay. even if
somebody's mad at me today.
Like you can once you identify the the
levers and your sentence is a lever you
can pull to double down on your
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