Video summary
The podcast addresses a common dilemma faced by many men, particularly those over thirty who have found deep love and see a future with their partners yet still experience attraction to other women. The host shares his personal journey from age 22 to 33, acknowledging that while he has secured a genuine relationship, the craving for novelty persists and may never fully disappear. He reflects on how this internal conflict previously led him into messy situations where he could not reconcile his desire for long-term love with his urge for sexual variety, often resulting in dishonest behavior rather than honest communication about ending relationships or seeking outside connections. A significant portion of the discussion focuses on alleviating the guilt associated with finding other women attractive. The host references a story told by David Bus regarding an email from a listener who realized that male attraction to novelty is biologically ingrained due to specific brain reward mechanisms, distinct from how women are wired. This biological reality means that looking at attractive people does not necessarily indicate a problem within the current partnership or a lack of love for one's spouse; rather, it is simply part of being male. Understanding this distinction allows men to stop viewing their attraction as a moral failing and instead recognize it as an inherent trait that requires management rather than eradication. Practically speaking, the episode advises listeners on how to navigate these feelings by making conscious decisions about what they value most: deep love or novelty. While polyamory is mentioned as an option, the host expresses limited hope for its success with most people due to the difficulty of finding partners comfortable with open relationships and the potential mismatch in long-term goals. He suggests that while some couples successfully navigate swinging lifestyles without issue, it is not a viable path for everyone. The core advice centers on designing one's life to minimize risk by avoiding high-risk environments like nightclubs or stag parties where inhibitions are lowered, effectively treating oneself with the same caution as someone recovering from an addiction who avoids triggers that could lead to relapse. The host also notes his own evolution between ages 30 and 37, observing a decrease in challenges related to loyalty despite no change in testosterone levels, which he attributes more to shifting values than biological changes. For men desiring children and family life, the strong pull of building a legacy often overshadows these internal struggles. The ultimate conclusion is that one can live with the knowledge that attraction will always exist by choosing not to act on it, similar to resisting junk food while on a diet. By focusing time and energy on content that nourishes long-term love, such as family inspiration, men can allow their relationships to flourish even if they must constantly guard against temptation in a world full of attractive women.
Read the full video transcript
Beyond the pale 22, I'm 33 and I found
someone I love deeply and genuinely see
a future with, but I still find myself
craving other women, and I don't think
that part of me will ever fully go away.
How do I reconcile the part of me that
wants long-term love with the part that
still wants to experience more?
That
is a doozy. And I think it's something
that a lot of guys feel. I certainly
know that I did for a long time. And
that was the reason that I was a bastard
in some previous relationships and you
know was playing away and like just
behaving in ways that were really not
that didn't make me feel proud because I
was so I wanted love but I also had this
desire for novelty and I couldn't square
that circle. I couldn't I couldn't keep
my dick in my pants but I also wasn't
sufficiently prepared to be honest with
my partner and say hey this is over. I
need to go and
[ __ ] someone else. I couldn't say that.
So, you end up in this messy middle
ground. That's the worst place to be in.
Um,
I think a few things that you can try
and think about here. First off, you're
not broken as a guy for finding other
women attractive. And the fact that
other women are attractive is not an
indication that there is an issue with
you and your partner, especially someone
you love deeply, genuinely see a future
with. Uh David Bus told me this story
that a guy sent him an email saying,
"Thank you very much, Dr. Bus. You saved
my marriage. Before I read your book, I
thought that because I was still
attracted to other women, walking down
the street with my wife who I love and
the kids who I love and this life that I
I I found really fulfilling, I would
look at other women and find them
attractive. And I thought that that
meant there was a problem with this
relationship.
And your book said there is an area of
the brain in men that does not exist in
the same way in women that rewards us,
gives us reward signals for looking at
anything that's sexual. Even a a couple
of rocks that look like a pair of boobs,
guys will look and be like, "Yeah, nice
rack." And get a little bit of uh reward
in our brain from that.
His point was, I thought that the fact I
found other women attractive was an
indication that my relationship was
broken. What you told me was this is
something that's just ingrained. It's
not
it's not a uh indication that there is
an issue or some sort of uh shortcoming
with the partnership I have right now.
It's just the way that men are wired and
it doesn't mean that I need to act on
it. It doesn't mean that I have an issue
with my wife. And it alleviated him of
all of this guilt. And it sounds like
there's at least a little bit of guilt
going on here. Um,
practically you need to kind of make a
decision about what it is that you want.
Do you more want the love deeply or do
you more want the novelty? And you can
try and do the polyamory thing, I
suppose, but
I I have very limited
uh hope in that for most people. I think
it is a fraught and difficult foundation
to build a relationship on. And I think
that for most guys,
the sort of girls who would be okay with
an open or one-sided open relationship
are typically not the sort of ones that
you want to marry long term. And this is
most guys, most girls. There is a cohort
of people who will go to swinger
parties, put the keys in a bowl, you
know, come out not knowing who's put
what bits of their [ __ ] anatomy into
each other and be totally sweet about it
and just go to work the next day and
still love their partner. That's sweet.
But for most guys, I think most of them
are wired in a way where that's just not
it's it's not going to work. I just
really don't think it's going to work,
unfortunately. Um,
if you don't think that this part of you
is ever fully going to go away, and that
might be true,
can you live? This is really simple
question actually. Can you live with the
fact that you're going to find other
women attractive, but you can't [ __ ]
them if you want to be loyal to your
partner? If you can live with that, you
lean into the David Bus sort of pled
approach. Doesn't mean there's a problem
with your partnership. It's just
something that's there. The same way as
you might be hungry when you're on a
diet, but you choose not to eat the junk
food. It's like, huh, [ __ ] it's just
going to be after a thing that I decide
to uh control. Uh I certainly will say
uh the change that I noticed from age 30
to now age 37 in terms of my like desire
for uh sexual variety and my my this
might be a better way to put it. My
challenges with loyalty uh because of uh
wandering eye um have gotten much
easier. I don't know whether that's a
change in my programming. Uh it's
certainly not a decrease in my [ __ ]
testosterone level, but change in values
perhaps. Um
if you're the sort of guy that wants
kids and wants a family, that is going
to be such a strong pull.
I do think it's going to overshadow the
challenge that you have with this. Maybe
it won't ever fully go away that you're
going to look at other women, but if
you're okay with just clamping that bit
of you down and being like, "Hey, there
it is. I'm hungry for that food. Don't
need to eat it. That's good. And if you
find yourself getting tempted to go and
eat the food, you don't have it in the
house. The equivalent of that would be
if you're the sort of guy who can't keep
his dick in his pants, and you really,
really want to be loyal to your partner,
you don't go to nightclubs and drink.
You don't go on uh stag dues and get
smashed in party towns. You're with the
group that's a little bit more quiet and
goes to bed early. Uh does this sound
like a more boring life? Well, maybe in
some ways, but you're kind of treating
yourself like a sexual drug addict who
isn't to be trusted if there's an open
bag of cocaine near them. And if you're
in a club at 2 in the morning h having
your all of your inhibitions gone after
10 drinks, that's a high-risisk
environment. So, design your life so
that this
risk doesn't have the opportunity to
manifest. Um, you want long-term love,
allow that to flourish. Uh, spend your
time like consuming content that
nourishes that part of you. get good dad
inspo on YouTube and um think about all
of the ways that family life's going to
be amazing. And I get the sense that as
you grow up that is going to come down
into land. So hopefully that helps. This
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