Women Are Basically Begging For Men to Approach Them - Blaine Anderson

how do you describe what you do I am a dating coach for men so I help men build confidence learn to authentically Market themselves create chemistry flirt and generally attract quality women they are excited about how many times a day do you hear the sentence why would I ask a fish about how to fish I tend to avoid my comment section on Instagram so not very many you know what I mean there is a sort of a big Trope on the internet of men saying women can't teach men about how to pick up women yeah and what I would say to that is that's like saying women a woman can't give good advice I'm not saying I'm the only one qualified to give this advice but me not having a y chromosone doesn't disqualify me from being able to describe what women want in fact some might argue including myself it makes me more equipped to speak to that um also to be honest the type of guy who says that isn't the type of guy I work with that's not the type of guy who comes to me for my advice and that's okay with me it's probably somebody who generally isn't that open to looking to change themselves in any case yeah and they're usually generalizing here more inclined to blame women for their problems or think the system is rigged and that women have it easy and really when I hear a guy say women have it so much easier that tells me that they really just don't have empathy for women I'm not saying men have it harder or easier both are struggling yeah but also I suppose if you're a guy who just from ground floor doesn't does have any empathy for women it probably is not fantastic for your dating prospects long term absolutely and I wouldn't be the right person to help them work through that a lot of effort to get one date Bumble app makes women's first move easier in the end it was the data that killed me says Penny about her decision to leave the dating app Bumble if she opened the app she might receive 100 likes 25% of which she might be interested in she would look at their profiles and write an individualized message a few would respond perhaps one result in a date that's a lot of effort to get one date she says it's exhausting Bumble build as the feminist Tinder when it launched in 2014 this week announced it was taking action to relieve the administrative burden on its female users it has given them the option of firing off a short pre-written question to potential dates rather than a carefully crafted missive after 70% of its female users said that they were becoming burned out while it is not ditching the requirement for women to make the first move its female users can now send a template question such as what Buck or film changed the way you think using the sight's opening moves feature what do you think about this so I'm supportive of it but I don't find it surprising this really maps to the Dynamics male female approach dynamics that we see in person which is that the responsibility is on the man to approach and start the conversation with a woman it's not generally the woman who is the one needing to approach or start the conversation but what I would say is this woman who said she was writing carefully crafted messages is in the minority as someone who has looked at thousands of bumble conversations women generally send zero effort onew responses like hi and then the onus would still fall on the man to then come up with a creative or interesting conversation and steer that towards a date so I feel like previously okay women were starting the conversation but in name only I think there's a good bit of push back from guys about this and I can understand why that basically they now feel like hang on women you said that you wanted an app that allowed you to make the first move which is what we've had to do for all of human history and then being given that preference privilege request whatever it is that you wanted you're now saying that oh it's too arduous even though you can copy and paste a message you can use keyboard shortcuts on iPhone to make it easier to do and it's now been made even more easy so that there's pre-written template questions that you can just press a button to send to me which means it it is first move in name only and I think it probably feels many guys that are dating will feel indignant it's like this is what it's like for me all the time not just on this one app yeah and unfortunately that's just the reality of dating the man is expected to be the pursuer and you can either you know not to say you were complaining about that but complain about that or you can learn how to approach and appropriately attract women and you can trace that back to evolutionary biology you know the man is in across most species the male is the pursuer sperm are much more abundant than eggs eggs are the scarcer resource women become the Chooser up front there's some interesting species where the reverse is the case there's some birds I think in some spiders it's the same too and the male is the choosier one quite rightly the the the the the burden sort of switches and uh men are the ones that get to CH or the males are the ones that get to choose but yeah I think you know guys being the protagonists and women being The Gatekeepers or the receivers in whatever way anybody that is like people realize this what are you hearing or what is it that women say about their desire to initiate versus their desire to be pursued what have you learned there so women want to be approached more and pursued more at least in from what I see in my personal experience in my relationships with women and what I hear and then I also conducted some informal survey data of 13,000 women in the US and the UK 97% said they would rather meet their partner in person than online and 95% said They wish they were approached More Often by men in real life 95% of anything is crazy I'm not sure 95% of people would agree the sky is blue if you asked them and women are saying in hords basically like hey I want to meet a guy offline and like I want guys to approach me and you know I hear guys saying well women are rude when I approach them or it doesn't work out and the reality is is it's a numbers game like there are some women who don't want to be approached and there are even more women who already have a partner or aren't interested in men or don't like you for whatever reason that you can't control but that is out of your control if you learn to approach appropriately you're not going to be pepper sprayed or arrested or have some terrible thing happen if you talk to a woman in real life yeah your sample was 13,000 single women yes in the US and the UK I'm not sure what the age cohort was but let's say that 50% of women are in a relationship 50% are single that actually turns 95% into 47 and a half% so for the guys that say I've tried to approach women what's the likelihood that each time I do it it's one of the 5% like yeah but you're you don't know unless they've got a green badge that says yes I'm single you're not actually pre in exactly so you it is you just have to approach more often and I get it it's hard it can be anxiety inducing you're often times facing rejection and that is just what has been happening for all of human history and I think we have become complicit with expecting things to be delivered to us you can press a button on your phone and have any meal you want delivered to your door all of your groceries come to your door anything you want to watch you can press a button and watch that at that time and I'm not anti- technology but technology has made made people lazy and expect to always get what they want when they want it and dating and mating is not that way is this male approach anxiety the biggest problem that guys come to you with it is one of them absolutely and it's not even necessarily that they come to me and say hey I have approach anxiety and I want to get over it it's that they don't have the dating life they want and they don't even necessarily draw the conclusion oh I'm not approaching anybody when that is one of the very big problems so I really encourage I do this with all of my clients and any guys out there who are listening are like oh I'm like not meeting women keep an approach Journal I challenge you a note on your phone a real Journal write down every time you talk to a woman and you don't have to ask for her phone number you shouldn't ask for her phone number or ask her out if the conversation doesn't feel like it warrants that but just how many times you're actually talking to women and I bet you will be shocked at how few it is so this is the equivalent of using my fitness pile to track your calories and he saying dude I'm only eating I promise you I'm only eating 1500 calories and you say let's track it for a week and you go ah [ __ ] it was 2,200 I'm approaching 10 15 women a week oh it was one maybe maybe and I think part of that is because you have access to social media to only fans and so you're seeing all of these beautiful women and it tricks you into thinking like surely I'm interacting with women I inter I see women all the time maybe you're even dming some or interacting with them on only fans that doesn't count that is not the same as walking up to a woman in the grocery store at a yoga class in a park and striking up a conversation what is your best advice for men to overcome approach anxiety yeah so I I actually have an entire mini course on this because I have so many I get so many questions about it my biggest piece of advice is take the pressure off so don't think like oh I need to approach and my goal here is to get a phone number no your goal is to connect with another human being so you shouldn't just be approaching attractive women who you're interested in dating approach humans people generally women generally of all ages and talk to them and get really good at that and then once you feel comfortable with that it will feel more natural to approach a woman who you do find attractive and have a good conversation and then maybe you do ask for her phone number but going from sitting on your couch and swiping to approaching a 10 yeah that's really scary so start small start with baby steps Charlie Hooper from Charisma on command's got a good piece of advice where he says flirt with the world he uses Russell Brand as the example of this and um you know Russell Brand in his lothario era 10 15 years ago he's doing this interview um and what is it that someone asks him the question uh I've heard that you're a sex addict is that right and he says well I don't know if it's right but it's definitely enjoyable and you just think like he's always playing this sort of flutatious game he's touching them like I mean it's Russell Brandon he also may turn out to be a sex criminal we don't know about that so you know don't don't take your dating cues from Russell Brand but I the sentiment I think is true which is and I know this you know I'm recently single and you go from being you know not at all concerned with you the way that you come across to women and then you start to sort of have to re Kickstart this engine of oh God okay well I need to actually be a little bit more playful here as opposed to just the transactional sort of artist that you were previously mhm absolutely I love the flirt with the world cuz it's so true and we are so conditioned everyone is in their phone like eyes down looking at their phone moving through the world with their headphones in and you can't control if everyone else has their headphones in that you can't control anyone else's you know reaction to anything what you can control is if you're the type of person who doesn't have their headphones in who makes eye contact who Smiles who says hello I was picking up pizza the other day and I was waiting in the shop and this guy walks in with noise cancelling headphones on like over the ear headphones walks up to the counter doesn't take off his headphones just and the girl's like really nice she's this cute girl he's they're roughly the same age she hey how can I help you and he just turns and holds his phone out at her and she's like okay it'll be right up doesn't say anything puts it back in his pocket and turns away and I was like like I don't care if you're not single like who knows maybe he's gay maybe he's not interested it doesn't matter you are not not engaging with the world around you at all it was really sad to see that's interesting okay so reduce some of the pressure M float with the world mhm give me a third one what else take just don't try and over complicate things you don't have to have this witty flirty line that she's never heard before you can keep it really simple if your mind goes blank walk up to her and say hey I noticed you from over there and I wanted to come say hello I wanted to introduce myself I thought you were cute something super simple of just you caught my eye and I'd kick myself later if I didn't say hello is fine it doesn't mean she's going to want to date you doesn't even mean she's going to want to talk to you but if you do that and you have good posture and you have eye contact and you're smiling you've put your best foot forward and you've done everything you can what are the other things the nonverbals oh non-verbal is very important so this can be our fourth thing if you're walking up and you've already rejected yourself your shoulders are you know bent in looking you're looking down looking around you're telling her that you aren't worthy so you need to walk up shoulders back eye contact as you're walking over to her look for eye contact actually backing up from here getting eye contact from a woman is the gold standard for before you approach so it's not a requirement you don't have to have made eye contact but if you can catch her eye and give her a smile that is a green light and a much it's a great place to start start from with your approach so you're not totally taking her by surprise you've done a little pre-qualifying and likewise if you make eye contuct and she quickly looks away and turns her back to you maybe don't approach like it just it might not be a viable option so that can be a good way to pre-qualify then when you do walk up shoulders back head up smile eye contact it feels a little awkward it absolutely does and that's okay and then you know speak with confidence don't speak too fast slow it down and go for it and you're going to hear no a lot you mentioned a couple of opening lines then what some cand openers that the super nervous guide that's going to go out and try this weekend a couple of times to do this what are some of your favorite opening lines okay like I said keep it really simple unless something comes to you that you're like oh this really makes sense so first look for a few things what's she holding what's she doing what's she wearing any of those things can be things to comment on maybe she's holding a yoga mat so you can use that as a conversation starter maybe she's holding a cup of coffee or uh you know wearing some really unique Doc Martin or hat those are all things you can comment on so leveraging that is one option so you might say something like hey I noticed you from over there those are sick sneakers I'm a sneaker head myself where did you get those or how long have you had them wait when did those drop that's an example of using something she's holding doing wearing as a the jumping off point if you your mind is blank she's not holding doing wearing anything you can comment on then going back to just like hey I saw you from over there and I wanted to come over and introduce myself my name's Blain or hey I saw you from over there and I thought you were really cute and I'd kick myself later if I didn't say hello how's your night going simple what about the next step after that because I think that a lot of guys even if they've got some cand openers what she's doing wearing holding holding um if they get through that I think the oh how do I now exit the conversation in a non- awkward way because you know the peak end rule in Psychology suggests that the most emotionally intense and the final emotional moment are the two that are the most important of any event I wonder how many guys might actually be able to overcome their approach anxiety but their exit pain is so high that it actually clouds their memory of the approach it's like the approach was fine yeah but the way that you okay I'll go now and just sort of weird awkward like high five VI or something you know what I mean fist yeah so it depends on where you're meeting her of course so let's say you're at a bar and you go up you use that hey I thought you were really cute so I wanted to introduce myself cute pretty beautiful what's the word you can use any of those whatever that there's a lot of a lot of dudes listening that they're like [ __ ] got to get this down like with OCD whatever feels authentic to you because what you don't want is to sound like you're using someone else's lines that's why I'm hesitant to even say use this verbatim it's like I kind of throw out a few things and then make your own off of that and just keep it simple because the most important thing is it sounds authentic to you and not like you're reading a script that's a just to comment on that it's so right I had a a guy here Hamza about maybe six weeks ago something like that and he was talking about how he's like the epicenter of aot of young men advice online and he has started to ask himself the question of uh why do I dress the way that I do why do I sit the way I do why do I walk the way I do why do I talk the way I do because he's absorbed so much advice online that he's trying to model himself as the super masculine Alpha Chad high value guy thing and it's got to the point where he's got Stockholm Syndrome from the stuff that he's learned em bibed so much of it that he has no idea where the advice finishes and he begins yeah and I think that's a really good point that I think what guys want is okay just give me a set of rules is but don't turn me into an actor yeah yeah and that's why I say when people ask what I do I'm teaching men to authentically Market themselves I'm not teaching them to be the cookie cutter Kendall that a woman wants cuz that's not going to work even if you are able to you know become this Persona that you think is going to attract women and maybe it starts working at first and women are attracted to you you're either having to hold up that Persona forever and that's not your authentic self so life is going to suck or you slowly become yourself and then you're not the woman you're not the person that the woman initially fell for because it wasn't really you well and third option the women who would have genuinely liked you for being you were the ones that pass you by yes cuz you're not being yourself so that's the most important thing with everything when it comes to dating yes we can improve the product like there are things you should do to be a better you and we can talk more about that because building a life that you are genuinely proud of is a very important part of being successful dating but then you also need to be able to Market that life you need to be able to talk to women in a way that they can see that that they see that you have a genuinely awesome life that they would want to be a part of that's so interesting so I've got it in my head um the original world that we had when Neil Strauss who wrote the game came up and did pickup what that was was exclusive marketing and I think that the world much of the world of men's online dating at the moment in the more sort of nihilistic black pill side is exclusive lifestyle I.E one side said it doesn't matter what your life is if you Market yourself well you'll be successful in dating the current world in some Corners says it doesn't matter what your marketing is your lifestyle is [ __ ] and you're never going to get you're never going to get a girlfriend so I think that balancing these two which is you need to be as authentic as possible and actually raise up you as a person to be someone that women want to date whilst also holding in your hands there's better and worse ways to do that yes yes exactly uh it's the product and the market and marketing and how you put them together and present yourself to women and it's even more important to be able to Market yourself well today in a world with things like online dating and social media where Women's options have quadrupled you know or 100x and so you have to be able to stand out the challenge for men dating is how do I stand out so women give me a shot and notice me where the challenge for women is how do I tell who's actually going to be a good partner between the smoke and the noise in other news this episode is brought to you by create creatine gummies you might have heard previous guests like Dr Ronda Patrick and Dr Peter AA talking about the benefits of taking creatine daily thank you very much let's face it taking creatine every day is not fun whereas having a tasty gummy come on send it come on ah okay and again let's go we got this h no come on yeah let's go you're just so good everybody needs to take creatine and it's not fun and now that problem has been fixed by create creatine gummies tastes great easy to travel with can throw it in a bag it is now a treat to have creatine every day as opposed to a chore across more than 700 scientific studies creatine has been proven to safely and effectively build lean muscle improve Muscle Recovery and improve brain Health and Longevity right now you can get a 30% discount off your order by going to the link in the show notes below or heading to TRC create. cmod wisdom using the code modern wisdom a checkout that's TRC create. Cod wisdom and modern wisdom a checkout how do men stand out more I think that's the St yeah um so it depends where they're trying to meet women for example online if you have if if you have anything short of an A+ dating profile you're not going to get matches and the reality is even if you have an A+ dating profile but you have some other characteristics that create make online dating challenging for you you still aren't going to get matches so but there are things to do to improve your online dating game and then in terms of offline so much goes into it you know what you look like that is part of it if you look like a slob you could be a really nice like a great guy you could be confident truly you could be successful you could be charismatic you could be funny but if you look like a slob women are going to look past you and so you have to take care of yourself are you in shape do you dress well do you have good hygiene that's like one part of the outside then also how you talk about yourself is going to be part of how you Market yourself do you go on a date and just say like yeah works okay I'm an accountant uh yeah yeah you know I go to 9 to 5 I I get to work remote on Fridays it's cool or do you say I work for an accounting for firm that helps dogs find new homes and it is I'm so passionate about it because X Y and Z I love the people I work with and I'm expecting to move into XYZ position in a year it's not that you're bragging it's that you are showing that you have a trajectory that she wants to be a part of and that she finds impressive and again I want to be clear because it's some guys go into dates thinking oh I need to impress her that it's not the right mindset for a date it's okay I want to be my authentic best self and see if there is a mutual connection here what did you mean when you talked about uh improving your life your quality of life to make you more easily marketable and attractive to women so one of the biggest mistakes I see men make is oh I really want to go on this trip to Italy but I'd rather wait until I had a girlfriend to do it with they're putting their life on hold to live their best life until they have a woman to enjoy it with CU they would rather do it when they have a girlfriend and that is a mistake you need to build your best life so you have the ability to meet that woman that you're interested in first of all you're not going to meet a woman sitting at home and second of all the type of woman that you are interested in dating what are you going to talk to or on a date about if you haven't built that life already so you should have hobbies these are things you're going to connect with her about it doesn't mean she has to do the same Hobbies as well but are you passionate about them are you spending your time doing things that you enjoy and help make you a better person or are you sitting sitting at home playing video games on the couch which sounds more attractive you just crushed a pickle ball tournament or P started making Ceramics or like you just beat whatever level in World of Warcraft like there is a difference there's there's the niche of women out there who want the World of Warcraft guy but I imagine that the competition for those women is also pretty high uh let's get back to online dating in your opinion what are the best online dating platforms which apps yeah so any of the ones that have the biggest user base so that's generally hinge and Bumble those are the ones I recommend for my clients the the intent is usually higher on those apps tender definitely has the higher highest user base but it also has a ton of spam and lower intent that you have to filter through what you mean when you say intent so I found that from working with clients that a lot of the people on tender might just be there for hookups might be soliciting sex where intention behind finding a relationship or at least going on legitimate dates that aren't in exchange for money um happens more on hinge and Bumble and then of those two it's really dependent on where you live so you need to oftentimes try both and see where you find your success so I have found that clients who are based in Austin where Bumble is headquartered really like Bumble and they have like more women that they connect with via Bumble where just for as an example I had a client in Seattle who was like I don't get any matches on Bumble doesn't seem like there's any women there I like hinge more so it does take some trial and error and if you live someplace remote it might be hinge or it might excuse me it might be tender for you just from a sheer number of women on the app standpoint so of those three I recommend people try them and see what works for them I got banned from hinge for impersonating myself you're the second person now you know who told me that danan did he from on Bumble his was Bumble he got bammed for impersonating himself Jam my business partner in neonic got banned on hinge for impersonating himself as well well I've been i' been in a relationship for three and a half years and there was a deadline I had to submit my proof of identification by I I can't even remember using hinge and it was 20 like the end of 2021 like two three years ago I'm like Ian swinging a Miss for me on that but yeah um a lot of friends definitely the guys that I speak to at least the guys that are in Austin say that hinge uh for them is the best Yeah by far the best I say yeah it can be either what about Rya the league so these I actually have clients have success success with as well Rya the problem is I feel like it's a lot of looking it's people on Rya to see who else is there and swipe where I feel like the actual going on the date happens less just anecdotally but from the many many clients who I have spoken to and also my friends um but I don't know for someone like you is has is a public figure who has a following there are more people in that bucket on Rya but you're also seeing people all over the world instead of just in your five mile radius okay so the numbers are smaller when it comes to designing an online dating profile what should guys do how do you design The Perfect online dating profile the number one thing the most important thing if you don't do anything else is you need high quality photos not photos from 5 years ago of you on a boat not a photo of you with Kobe Bryant in fifth grade photos that are relevant and look like what you look like today if she looks at your profile and it's like I'm not really sure what he looks like it's an automatic no so not is there's too much variation between photos too much variation or too far away you're wearing sunglasses she just can't get a good sense quickly and you need to remember these women are looking at your profile and I mean maybe men look a little closer but when women are looking at profiles it's like one and done you have about one second to make a good impression so that first photo needs to be clear not quite a head shot we're not talking LinkedIn head shot but it needs to be your face I like it when you're looking into the camera it feels like you're looking at her then it creates more familiarity and that's the most important for the first photo as you go down you have opportunities to have other types of photos you don't want six headshot type photos now you need to start incorporating a full body shot you need one of those and then you need what I call filler photos that are more lifestyle so showcase how you spend your time if every photo is a head shot of you then it doesn't tell her anything about you as a person do you like to ski have a skiing photo wakeboarding traveling whatever with your dog with your mom whatever is important to your life use that in your profile and no photos with women who look like they could be your ex I don't care if it's your girl I don't care if it's your sister or your aunt if she looks like she could be an ex-girlfriend just skip it I've heard that guys who have photos with mixed groups so girls in their photos maybe one at least uh seem to have some success because it shows that they're not so weird that no woman would ever choose to hang out with them even if they're just friends is that true yeah so I like a group photo and I'm not picky about if it's you and two guys or if it's you and a guy and a girl a mix of people that's you and a girl is a little bit of like at a wedding for example I don't care if it's your sister like it's a no yeah it's just unless it's obviously your mom maybe yeah if it's obviously your mom or your grandma that's great but you just don't want it to be is he using a photo of his ex here cuz he didn't have more photos and that's the mistake a lot of guys make when I look at their photos it's they didn't build this intentionally they just found six photos they have happened to be in and those are the six photos they used not like oh these are six photos that showcase what I look like how I spend my time and Market me well what about selfies no so some selfies are okay okay but I have learned that men are really bad at understanding what makes a good and bad selfie so my blanket rule my blanket rule is just no selfies until they need to make a dating app profile then all of a sudden they're in their car with their rayb bands on like taking selfies I'm like no okay mirror photos no no no worse than selfie okay yeah arguably worse than selfies gym photos gym photos are hard to get right that is the problem I absolutely love the idea of showing that you are fit and active and that is part of your lifestyle but gym photos usually are mirror selfies which I don't like or tend to look really staged like why do you have your camera out at the gym so instead do you have a photo from when you did a tough mutter or you did raced uh you were in a race or ran a marathon or hike to the top of whatever Mountain that is going to be a better photo to highlight that part of yourself something more life styly yes okay is there anything else to say on photos yet no that covers say kids in photos are something is something I get asked about a lot if you are like you should say you have children and you're dating at profile if you have children I think you know you are just delaying the inevitable if you're trying to hide it and then like drop it on someone later like oh yeah by the way I have two kids and she doesn't want to date someone with kids then you just wasted both of your time the woman who does want to date someone who's maybe got kids yeah so just put it in your profile but if you don't have kids I have uh clients who will want to do like nieces and nephews it's just a little it's a shaky rois highrisk strategy well I I always have this rule it's so funny to me when uh women either in online dating or on social media if they ever post a photo that's them and one child there's always this huge [ __ ] disclaimer it's like such a great time with my niece this Sunday you know it's like this big banner of something that's like I'm still I've still got fund here yeah and I that's what guys have to do if they want to use a photo with their niece or nephew but I would say if like being an uncle is important to you highlight that in your prompts and just like keep the kid photos off all right okay uh moving down into bio description other bits and pieces what's the dos and don'ts so I would say the prompts are the next most important part and really what you will see right after a photo a prompt or bio so like for hinge for example you have three prompts you don't have a bio on hinge right I mean it shows what I know [ __ ] banned okay yeah I say so prompt how do you get let's do hinge first and then we can do bio after that yeah so you're you have prompts they're giving you so if you don't have hinge like you the prompts will say things like my ideal Sunday My Simple Pleasures one thing you should know about me your bio and prompts need to be light-hearted and fun your goal should be to be lightweight and make her smile so this is not your resume you don't need to tell her everything about you here and get all of your you know your alkalides out here that's not what we're going for and you're this is also not a help wanted ad you are not saying what you want from her you can look at her profile to see if she hits the things that you're looking for so guys will say oh I really want a girl who's kind and likes to travel it's like okay you're talking to every single woman on hinge here so not only should you not be speaking about what you're looking for you should also be uh unique into what you say so if what you're saying is what everybody else is saying saying one thing you should know about me I really like to travel that's lame be more specific where do you like to travel one thing you should know about me is every year I take a trip to Spain to buy dessert wines be as specific as possible details are what is going to help you stand out why cuz she's looking at 1,000 profiles so why you from the other guy that she just swiped over who maybe you're both kind of cute you both look kind of fit he says he likes burritos and you say you cook a homemade dinner with your roommates every Sunday night and pick a new country to focus on like that's much more interesting that gives something that she's like oh that's cool I want to know more about that the point of your dating app profile is to get her to want to know more and she's if she wants to know more she's going to swipe right she's going to match with you it's not to convince her that you're you know an alpha male it's not to convince her that you are rich and or good at your job what about uh watch photos car photos house photos so slippery slope here what I would say is if you're flashing your Rolex or your Lambo and that's what you are leading with who are you going to attract you're going to attract a woman who prioritizes that over who you are as a man and your personality and your values so if you're good with that by all means go for it but if you are looking for an authentic genuine connection and someone who really likes you for you then you're better off leading with those traits your personality your values how you spend your time and you just tend to look really try hard by putting the flashy photos out there I wonder how many there'll be a ton of chicks listening I wonder how many of them are just like yes yes yes taking taking taking yeah yeah yeah and it's and well I'll have guys who come to me and they're like I've like never had a match online and we and then I'm like what you're like decent looking okay let's do this we make a profile and then they have more matches than they know what to do with because the bar is really low if so few men are optimizing this yes they're just throwing up the selfie that they took in their car because they needed a sixth photo and saying that they like burritos and women are like why would I go out with you like this is you're not making me want to know more you're not intriguing and that's really what you're going for what about bio so bio is similar to prompts you want to hit all the same things you want to be light-hearted you want to make her smile this is not a help wanted ad so what can you you say that helps you stand out a little bit from everybody else Intrigue her to want to know more about you don't overthink this but it is worth spending a few hours developing prompts and bios I tell my clients spend an hour minimum on each prompt you have three prompts at least you should be spending an hour thinking about the word choice and when I work with clients I'm like write 10 and I'll pick three or I'll and I'll make them better so we like really pick every single word that goes into it but if you're out there doing it yourself like you should be putting in the same amount of effort and run it by some girlfriends run it by your sister yeah does this suck is this okay yeah uh yeah I suppose it's so funny how much time I imagine guys spend swiping right and and and trying to get matches and stuff you think that's you trying to do conversions on the back end how long did you spend going and getting the photos CU presumably you could spend a week get a friend or even pay somebody be like oh there's 50 bucks like come and take a couple of photos of me and what would be the difference in your conversions what would be the difference in your Effectiveness if you focus on the things that really matter as opposed to just kind of doing what you think is the Urgent and going for the numbers game exactly and a lot of guys cringe at this I have almost all of my clients work with professional photographers there is a whole industry out there for dating app photographers oh absolutely not it it didn't even occur to me someone wouldn't know that cuz I'm so ingrained in it you're in the weeds yes and it is so important because most guys aren't taking good photos of themselves even with very detailed instructions step by step they still go out there and their photos kind of suck and you can have some photos in your you want some photos in your profile that are candid and organic and don't look professional but having two professional shots that really showcase what you look like and have really nice backgrounds that are going to be bright and stand out can make all of the difference in the world and say it's such high Roi I suppose it's a a low-key signal as well of kind of value it's like what's this guy do where he's got the professional photo oh maybe he's maybe this is a press shop for something that he's maybe it's part of a project that he's in and just that you care you're putting in effort you're helping her see who you are you didn't just throw up like sometimes guys will send me profiles and they're like oh I want to match with this girl I want to talk to this girl what should I say and I'm like she put zero effort into her profile that's why you have nothing to say to her and so do you think she's really banking on is she do you think she's looking for a partner here is this something that she's prioritizing your expectations for her response and her effort of meeting should be on the floor cuz she didn't even take the time to make a good profile that's interesting so the girl that just uses Tinder because when she's bored waiting for the bus she decides to have something to have a little and spoiler alert that's a lot of women I guarantee if you took a random sample of 20 hot girls at least half of them would say like I don't really use dating apps because I meet enough people in real life I'm approached often I have a good Network and then the other half might say oh I use it for fun or entertainment here and there but I don't go out with that many guys and then maybe you know half of that half like actually use it but especially attractive quality women they are not relying on dating apps interesting how can people text more effectively how can guys text more effectively flirt online what are the biggest dos and don'ts when it comes to messaging game so what I like to tell my clients is you are more likely to text yourself out of a date than into a date texting should be used for the logistics but you really want to keep it minimal a problem a lot of guys have is they are trying to get to know this person via text before a date and chitchat and so much is lost in text messages you don't have any tone you don't have the Nuance of facial expressions and Body Language so a conversation or something can be and taken totally out of context or just feel kind of weird and all of a sudden you were going towards a date and she doesn't really want to date anymore because and then again this goes back to online dating she is a Quee of 20 other guys which is unfortunate reality so if you misstep it's really easy to say I'm just going to go back to the drawing board here so less is more but you do need to be clear and confident in your Communications so I have you know I have a course on this too it's just about texting because so many people struggle with it that lays out basically templates or scripts you want to open the conversation with something again you don't need to reinvent the wheel here and make say something hilarious or be a comedian if that doesn't speak to who you are but look for something in her profile that other people might not notice or you can speak to maybe she has a photo uh in Croatia and you've spent time in Croatia you you can say like oh let me guess that's in havar you know can say something that is going to start a conversation around something you're knowledgeable about okay you're Off to the Races she's matched with you she responds she said yes like I went you know two years ago have you been then you want to find a way to steer this towards a date relatively quickly she's already seen your profile she's already matched with you you need a couple messages to establish enough trust that you know she knows you're a real person she's interest she's interested in knowing more interested in going on a date and then segue to the DAT to the date so that can be as little as two or three back and forths as much as 10 but anything more than that is you're you're doing too much talking and you're becoming a pen pal and that's something a lot of guys get wrong they're looking for this perfect opportunity to ask for a date they're looking for a flashing green light you don't need to do that go for go for asking like this is I'm enjoying chatting with you about this what would you think about continuing this over drinks I know a great spot downtown I know a great rooftop downtown with excellent happy hour this I guess is a a difficulty if any guys are traveling or if you're not using the geographic net of where you date because inevitably you can't say why don't we continue this conversation over coffee on Wednesday you live in [ __ ] Atlanta yeah well and that's just do you want a longdistance relationship that's why like with Rya I said you're looking globally so a lot less meetups from my experience end up happening because you're not you can't just like hey like let's grab it do something casual let's grab a drink Thursday yeah let's go to [ __ ] Tulum together or something yeah it's like you have to it's much more a level of investment or like oh I'll Fly to Your City for this date and then there's all of a sudden so much pressure and expectation around it as opposed to doing something casual if you meet somebody online the first time you meet I consider date Zero this is not not even a first date this is a Vibe check let's just get together see if we Vibe If We Vibe if we have a good conversation let's go on a proper first date let's get dinner let's do something more involved in other news this episode is brought to you by Magic spoon you probably already know magic spoon for that super popular high protein cereal that has got 75,000 fstar reviews well now they've turned their cereal into treats that taste just like those classic crunchy cereal bars that you had growing up but with way more protein and far less sugar it is a Tasty guilt-free Time Machine back to your childhood hitting your protein goals is never easy but magic spoon Treats have a crispy and Airy texture that tastes phenomenal and every treat has 11 gram of protein 1 gram of sugar and four net carbs so you can actually feel good about what you're eating they're great if you're on the road if you don't have time to get enough food into yourself throughout the day or if you're just looking for a midnight snack they've got six delicious nostalgic flavors including marshmallow ch peanut butter blueberry double chocolate birthday cake and strawberry milkshake so if you want to make hitting your protein goals a treat rather than a chore head to your nearest grocery store right now to pick up magic spoon's brand new protein pack treats what is what are your favorite uh examples for first dats so lightweight espe so it's a little different if you met her online than in person but if you met her online then casual a nice uh bar with for drinks and don't drink a coffee shop a smoothie shop mocktails if you want to eat okay something easy maybe you sit at a bar and like have toas or you even go to a food truck that you like but you should not be overinvestment four hours to a fancy sit down meal with somebody they don't know they also want to see okay do I Vibe with this person if so then like you know let's move forward I sometimes have guys say like oh I've like matched with women who say like they don't want to go for a walk they aren't a dog they expect dinner on a first date and I would say take a look at whether that is where you want to start off a relationship on you know where you need to be the provider of laying out the red carpet for her cuz usually when women say that they're also not thinking like hey my favorite food truck or my hole in thewall tie spot it's like they're expecting a steakhouse or a fancy sit down dinner and so if you're okay with that type of relationship and those expectations go for it what's your thoughts on walking dates so my husband and I's first date was a walking date I would say if you're the type of guy who struggles to create romantic connection it can be tough because it doesn't have an inherently sexy Vibe but it is a really nice way to get to know somebody to get your steps in and to just see if there is a connection and from a woman's standpoint like at least I know a lot of my friends you know especially women who are in their 30s they don't want to drink every night of the week maybe they don't drink at all like sitting down at a bar is like uh I can maybe do this once a week but if you're like hey why don't we you know grab a juice and go on a walk that's an easy thing to say yes to so you know whatever your date your first date is the ease of yes is important if you're asking her to drive across town or commit 4 hours or she needs to like wear something special get ready for ages all of a sudden it's a lot she's like weighing the pros and cons and the cost benefit of doing it where if it's like I wanted to get some steps in anyway like I wanted to see if this guy was normal yeah like sure let's take a walk down the the block and obviously plan the walk you know on the beach or someplace where in a neighborhood where you have value to add where it's going to be fun to look at stuff like it's not just you know walking down a busy street with like semis driving by but um I'm I'm Pro walk if you feel confident and comfortable on a walk I guess from a safety perspective as well for women uh walking date during the daytime somewhere public is probably a pretty good start exactly interesting so what about turning first date into second date and also what should guys be doing and saying on a first date like how should they behave yeah so you want to be your authentic self first and foremost but you also want to be so when on a first date you should be aiming to have her do 70% of the talking there are studies that show when the more somebody talks the more they perceived the date or the time spent to be positive people like to talk realistically a good date might be more balanced more like 50/50 but the point here is you want to keep her talking asking questions something men get wrong when especially when they're nervous and it's understandable is they'll end up rifling through questions in effort to keep her talking and they're like you said she should be talking 70% so I just asked a lot of questions and that's not exactly what you want to go for I explain it as you want to pull the conversational thread so you ask a you know you ask a question on a topic you also find interesting and then you go down the path of that topic you don't need to beat a dead horse until you have nothing left to say but then focus on that for a little bit cuz that's also how you are going to create more of an emotional connection if you're staying really surface level with your questions that emotional connection isn't established but if you can get her talking about travel and then you're talking about trips you went on as a kid and how every year she went to the beach with her family and it's a really happy memory for her those are good feelings that she's having and she's associating with the date so think about structuring dates and having conversations around things she's going to want to talk about and are going to be fun for both of you to talk about and leave you feeling good I suppose if you focus on something that you are interested in and maybe have a little bit of knowledge in that already takes the box of authenticity and it means that you don't actually have to play a role if you go so what do you do for fun and she says oh I'm really into crochet and the Kardashians you go oh yeah tell me more about the Kardashians oh you're going down a rabbit hole that you have no information about whereas if you can try and pull the thread of whatever it is that's a synthesis of your interests and hers and I guess as well it's tough for guys because they don't have as many options on the table as women do but it's totally fine for you as a guy to walk away from a date going do you know what it is she wasn't that interesting she wasn't that interesting this isn't a me problem this is a her problem I asked her some questions and she doesn't really have any hobbies she doesn't really seem to do anything with her time she doesn't really communicate all that well like it is completely possible for you as a guy who is uncertain about your value in the world and your value to women to go on a date and the woman suck yes definitely so I tell my clients that a third of your effort should be spent towards making a connection so helping her see that you have things in common that you have shared interest shared values a third of your effort should be assessing if she is a good fit for you so if she fits the criteria you're looking for if she's interesting and then the third of the effort is put towards flirting and having fun so even if those two things aren't there and she's not the your person ideally you both still had a little fun you can still flirt a little bit practice that and then you both go on your ways and you know you chalk it up to like okay one less person who I have to meet and I know I'm not going to marry men aren't asking women's questions on dates it's a problem the cashiers at Trader Joe's ask more questions than guys on dates nowadays I can remember the number of times I've asked a man a question thinking that at the bare minimum he'll ask me the same one in return but no he is not inquisitive of my family or my job or my taste and music after he's finished his longwinded answer there is just uncomfortable s silence I then fill with another question for him I am the one keeping the conversation going I am the reason I had a fun time on this date I am a tiresome Jester who is being paid in dirty martinis girl move on and go on some we need to find you some better dates I that is that's funny I hear I mean I hear that from women they complain that guys don't know how to ask questions not my clients I'm teaching them how to ask questions um I think that I do feel like growing up women tend to be more conditioned in how to make people around them comfortable and are oftentimes better conversationalists therefore than men that is not a blanket rule but I think it could be a general principle at least that I've witnessed um and I would say if that is happening like to a if that is happening to a woman I would have her say something like you know I feel like I've been asking a lot about you what do you want to know about me m just flip it that's the thing on dates people are oftentimes just scared to say what's on their mind like you're probably not going to want to go on another date with someone who doesn't have the decency to or is not inquisitive about who you are anyway but if you maybe he giving him the benefit of the doubt maybe he's just really nervous and if you can kind of Click him into having that realization yeah and he's like oh you're right I'm sorry I'm just you know it's a little I'm a little nervous on first dates like tell me more about your siblings or whatever and he can turn it around maybe you're giving that date an opportunity to blossom into something more that's I guess what sort of flirting and and being playful and and being light-hearted helps that it takes a lot of the pressure off like you could say I've just asked all of the questions so far tonight are you going to ask me any like that's delivers the same message as what you just said but in a way more pressurized sort of back byy defensive yeah yeah it's not fun um so yeah I suppose that you can kind of gesture the guys toward what you want them to do what are the other biggest red flags that guys do on dates in terms of communication where they go what they wear treating it like a meeting and not a date so a lot of the men I work with have great jobs really Excel professionally are good at communicating in work environments but you do not communicate the same way on a date a date should be flirty it should be playful there should be some physical touch it would be inappropriate if you were at a business meeting and you touched the person's knee who you were talking to but on a date that should be something that you are intentionally doing you are creating familiarity and physical connection so start of the date there should be a hug a kiss on the cheek if that speaks to you if that feels natural for you throughout the the date you should be hand on the knee to emphasize a point hand on her shoulder guiding her to her seat touch her hand you know while you're talking again this takes practice and a lot of guys who are have zero practice with physical touch this takes a lot of practice end up flailing around like a sweaty octopus a sweaty octopus that's quite the picture um I I actually feel like it's more they're like stick still and like have their hands at their sides like and aren't moving at all and I think I might prefer the sweaty octus um but I'll set a goal say okay you want to have six physical touches on this date just like how I say you should have an approach journal with how many women you're talking to you should also be keeping a date journal and hitting some goals have I did I pay compliments what questions did I ask and were well received did I hit my physical touch goals um because a date without physical touch is a meeting and she didn't come here for a business meeting likewise if the date went well you want to go for a kiss at the end that is a great way to end the date if it went well but you don't want to go for a kiss if you haven't touched her at all just H even if it's a great date you're laughing you're talking things are going well you're flirting but your hands have been at your sides or in your pockets and then all of a sudden you lunge for a kiss at the end that's going to feel very awkward and out of left field kiss on the cheek kiss on the lips at the end I was referring to a kiss on the lips in that sense you can go either um you don't have to have a kiss on a first date but I think if the vibe feels right and the date was good then absolutely go for it how many women do you think that's moving too quickly for some and that's okay but this is why you have to know if she doesn't want it all you say is no worries like something to look forward to next time or like no pressure that's a cool response yeah that's a fun response I had a client um recently who told me on their first date he asked if he because I'm also a big fan if you're not sure about anything physically just ask like stand next to her stand close to her okay this is a good sign she's open to standing close to me we're looking at each other's eyes signs are pointing to yes I'm still a little nervous say to her I really want to kiss you right now as a statement and she's either going to say like I don't kiss on the first date and you can say great something to look forward to or like no pressure or she's going to say like so do it or just like smile and lean in and be the one to kiss you and so you're facilitating that and that goes for really anything physical as things escalate if you're not sure just ask and if you're too uncomfortable to ask it's too soon to go for it what A good rule and I feel like that's true with sex too and I say like guys who are like oh I don't know if it's like if we should be having sex or like if it's time or like doing this or that in the bedroom it's like talk to her about it and if you are too uncomfortable to talk to her about it it's too soon to do it anyway that's a good rule what about how much effort guys should make with the way that they dress on the first estate like full three-piece suit might be a little bit much for a daytime walk uh not convinced that Crocs and socks are allowed although I'm pretty Pro them I'm okay with your cocs and socks if you feel authentic to you yes I [ __ ] knew it I also if you're wearing them like in a sort of like stylish ironic way it's very different than if you're like 300 lbs and wearing them with board shorts that go below the knees you know and a colored shirt like that's going to be a no for me um in terms of a first date I recommend guys have a first date go-to outfit you don't need to be Reinventing the wheel here you don't want to be wearing something for the first time that you might not be comfortable in or trying to impress her just find an outfit that makes you look well-groomed fits you well that's a number one thing guys get wrong with their clothing too big often or too small but usually too big like their shirts are too baggy oh okay this is a big americ problem it's a massive American men have zero fashion sense this is also true yeah it's atrocious guys in America think that wearing a polo colored undera shirt constitutes smart dress like underarm a poloo shirt jeans leather belt leather shoes it's like smart casual like [ __ ] incarnate it's so bad it's [ __ ] atrocious with baseball cap I like dude swinging a Miss God I mean I literally I literally wear like metalband t-shirts gym shark shorts St socks and Crocs but I know that I can't wear an Under Armour shirt and claim that I'm going out dressed nicely it's so bizarre like American guys yeah why is that why is it like an America problem because you don't see I was just in France and the men dress so well everybody dresses well yeah that being said I mean the UK's got some some sort of dodgy fashion trends that happen every so often we had this addiction to skinny jeans for a decade which I'm slow I'm slowly sort of ripping myself out of I'm not too sure uh there is definitely if you're a guy in America this is an advantage I suppose for dudes disadvantage for girls the bar is set unbelievably low for you to be A well-dressed man in America because almost every man dresses retardedly they are honestly they're on that Sunshine bus RP um yeah you're not wrong you're not wrong and the bar really is solo I have a stylist on my team for this reason because even I I touched on this before but even if you're doing everything right but you show up to the date dressed like a dweeb it's like no you don't look like you have your [ __ ] together you don't look like you have self-awareness and so if you can just get a few and it doesn't have to be expensive items it doesn't have to be you know anything outside your comfort zone but I recommend actually just working with a professional it's a great investment or doing it yourself but just having a few go-to outfits some nice staple pieces that you can mix and match it goes such a long way talk about approaching women in person too you want to leg up look good in other news this episode is brought to you by element stop having coffee first thing in the morning your adenosine system that caffeine act on isn't even active for the first 90 minutes of the day but your adrenal system is and salt acts on your adrenal system element contains a science-backed electrolyte ratio of sodium potassium and magnesium with no junk no coloring no artificial ingredients or any other BS I keep talking about them because they are fantastic it's how I start my morning every single day and have done for over 3 years now and I love it it tastes amazing there's no junk or sugar or colors or artificial ingredients and there is a no BS no questions asked refund policy so you can buy it completely risk-free try it all and if you do not like it they will give you your money back and you don't even need to return the box that's how confident they are that you love it right now you can get a free sample pack of all eight flavors with your first box by going to the link in the show notes below or heading to drink LM nt.com slod wisdom that's drink l M nt.com SL modern wisdom okay where should guys go to find women in person talked about online dating what are your favorite spots for guys to approach women in person yeah so any place you're already spending time and your hobbies so you're going to have way more to talk about with somebody who you meet at your pickle ball league or your run group than you are at a dark night loud nightclub or even just walking down the street I'm not saying saying you can't meet women at bars and clubs and you can't approach random women on the street but that's playing level hard you have to find a commonality you have to find something to talk about whereas if you would just pick up some hobbies and start going to them on a weekly basis pick three things you want to do and try and go to them every single week ideally not all hobbies are created equal like pick hobbies that women also attend and just start talking to people that's going to be the best way and often times what I tell my clients is you might not okay let's use pickle ball for an example because as you know I love pickle ball let's say you join a pickle ball league maybe you meet a woman you're a woman you're interested in dating there but maybe not but you might meet a friend who then invites you to his birthday party and then at that birthday party his roommate from college brought his sister and that's the girl you hit it off with and you're one or two degrees removed so you have much more built in trust you have a something to talk about why you're both at that party pickle ball your and friend and it becomes much more easy to start a good conversation that can lead someplace so you're optimizing for social events things that involve a little bit of interaction like CrossFit gym but presumably not something that's super solo like [ __ ] archery or something like that yeah you're just so I am a big fan of you spending time in any place that makes you happy archery might be something great to highlight in your dating profile or talk about on dates and that's going to be attractive to women but you want to make sure your hobbies are not all solo hobbies that are going to be great for talking about I go mountaineering on my own I go rock climbing on my own yeah but not great for meeting people and you want to diversify but Rock Climbing Gym great a lot of those solo things can be turned into good places to meet people one of my hobbies is breaking bread but you brought bread show me your bread get your bread out for the lads come on I was going to say baking bread at home is not a good place to meet somebody but I've been to cooking classes bread like I went to a sourdough pizza making class because I like baking bread and there was lots of single men and women there okay and what's this what have you got me this is sourdough just a classic homemade sourdough I made it this morning little ASMR in there yeah everyone can hear it oh wow look at that hold that sucker up you're going to have to lift that up I mean that is that is fantastic thank you very much I very much appreciate it you're very welcome Jesus Christ I could slug an infant with this it's really really heavy pop that back in there I'm not going to leave this out for the elements to go and get thank you very much you're very welcome yeah that's uh fantastic bread by Blaine coming soon yeah um okay what about guys approaching girls in the gym I met my husband at the gym thought you went on a date a walk as our first date we didn't meet on a walk ah I see yep okay um so I met at a fitness class like a group fitness class mhm like a barries 45 type thing barries yeah exactly and San Francisco so you can meet women at the gym I am proof that it is possible but there are different considerations and some gym environments are going to be better than others so like a rock climbing gym a CrossFit gym a fitness class these places are going to better facilitate meeting women there's natural starting and stopping points there's times when everyone is standing around you can talk to her when she's not working out just an open gym floor like at equinox or lifetime where she has her headphones in is on the treadmill is in the midst of a workout not good you would then need to wait until she's like at the water fountain or you're coming and going at the same time which is much more just chance there's a lot of guys who are probably thinking godamn it I might need to put my bodybuilding gains to one side because my like solo neurotic heavy metal in the headphones training style of this bro gym isn't going to work I need to start doing [ __ ] Orange Theory so that I can hang around with girls as they come in and out literally and these are the sacrifices that men have to make that women really don't understand you know like the patriarchy is not alive or well when you have to sacrifice gains to be able to talk to women but it's true I have clients all the time who are like oh I really like my gym routine I'm like okay well that's fine but then you're you're not going to meet women there so if you want you're saying you want to meet a woman who's fit who likes to work out you need to spend some time at these other places and I'm not saying totally give up your own gym routine but you might be surprised like I every time I send a client to Pilates they're like holy [ __ ] that was so much harder than I thought like I was dying and so solid call wrecks people they're getting so popular at the moment yeah well I mean there's you know to lean into some of the evolutionary psychology stuff there's an idea called sex ratio hypothesis which is whoever in a local ecology is the rarer sex has the upper hand in the mating market so you see that in areas where they male skewed sex ratio there are more dates before uh sex uh women are less likely to say that they're happy with any one man they're less likely to commit uh men are forced to go on more dates before they can actually sort of move forward and the reverse is true too that if men are the scarce of sex that there are fewer dates before sex etc etc reason being that if there are more of your particular sex competing for more of that rarer sex's atten you need to play by their rules and that means that if you're a dude that goes to solid core and does Pates between you and a gay instructor there's two there's like one guy that's interested in the women in this entire room and maybe 70% of them have got a fell and a couple of them aren't looking to dat but that's still a really strong sex ratio well this is maybe it's not 20 to1 but it's 3 to one or four to one it's better than a nightclub yeah way better than a nightclub where the reverse is often true um yeah that's a great point it just makes a lot of sense I have a client in um New York who started playing majan are you familiar with maang it's like a b game uh it's like with these little domino pieces it's from China but they have an American version I'm actually very into it myself right now okay but um talk about a good place to meet women he goes he's like a Brooklyn majan Meetup and he's one of four Dudes and there's a hundred women there and he had like three girls give him their number and be like you should join our majan group like trying to get a guy in wow wow wow well I mean run clubs uh at the moment are just so popular right now the hottest thing in the world uh did you see there was a great meme that came out a couple of weeks ago that said a over sexualized run Club starter pack and it was just all of the different that it was like keton IQ element was in there an Andrew Cuban podcast it was really really good but yeah I think you know I was trying to deconstruct why I think run clubs have become so popular and I think that a big chunk of it is that non weird opportunity to stand around before and after and talk like it's a a it's like a social club masquerading as a fitness Pursuit yeah and uh it gives people the legitimacy to go and do something because if it was just let's meet up in the park and stand around for a bit everyone would feel weird but if it's couched in we're going to get our 5K in all right fine I guess I mean the 5K is what 25 minutes of work [ __ ] all and then people stand around again go okay well I can get her number and oh she amazing she's that chick from last week she's got that sports bra on again yeah and you're seeing the same people consistently which also makes it way easier good opener to use I feel like I've seen you before my name's Blain like I've seen you here before you know you leverage that anytime you've seen a woman more than once as an opener that's a great one familiarity yeah yeah um but yeah I love a run Club because also you're weeding out people who don't have any interest in health you know it's like-minded people are going to go to a up and awake in a park at 8:00 a.m. on a Saturday and someone else's too you can probably tell quite a lot about the way they they they didn't go out last night unless they're hanging they didn't go out last night uh they probably care about their health they're probably quite reliable they've probably got a relatively normal job mhm there free selection yeah and I I find so many people are just getting over the drinking culture and not wanting to just meet people at bars or hang out at bars or if we stand around in a park after work then it's the expectation is usually okay there's drinking involved or there's something to eat or drink and that's not necessary to meet people and I think a lot of people one want to get off the ABS and then to don't want to be drinking so things like run clubs or pickle ball or rock climbing are great with places to meet people yeah CrossFit for me when I started doing CrossFit was outrageous for dating it yeah just cuz it's all it's all coed yeah um a lot of the people especially as dudes a lot of the dudes that do CrossFit are already married because it does quite take quite a lot of uh dedication and it's kind of hard and it's the sort of thing that a man who feels like he's given up all of his Pursuits in other areas of life would decide to apply himself to yeah for 1 hour a day I can regain some control when I don't have to change nappies or deal with [ __ ] from work or you know take the bins out um so you actually have although it's still probably it's probably about 50/50 maybe sex ratio maybe tiny little bit more skewed May but when you actually look at the sort of men that go and the sort of women that go I think that you have more unavailable men than you do unavailable women and this means that from a i it was an incredibly profitable few years when I was uh doing CrossFit in the northeast of the UK plus there's this sort of inherent like high five culture at the end of workouts there's intermissions in between different things there's usually some [ __ ] about at the start there's some waiting around at the end um you are trained between two and five times a week doing classes so the consistency that you see people with you don't have to wait one whole week until run Club comes back around again yeah I love all of those points and even something that gets you touching somebody like a fist bump or a high five actually goes a really long way to your point another one I love that is so good is dancing salsa twostep swing whatever kind of dance you're interested in any of my clients who pick up dance are like whoa talk about a good market and like if you're authentically into it and you're fun to dance with even if you're a total beginner and you're a single nice guy the girls are going to be into it like there are way less men than women dancing and women want to dance with the fun single gu so if you can be that guy in your dance group you're golden in other news this episode is brought to you by manscaped if you're still using an old face shaver from Four Christmases ago to trim your gentleman's area join us in the modern world there are purpose-built tools for the job and the manscaped lawn mower 5.0 Ultra is exactly what you need it's got a Cutting Edge ceramic blade reduce grooming accidents a 90-minute battery which can help you to take a longer shave waterproof technology so that you can shave in the shower and an LED light which illuminates grooming areas for a closer and more precise trim or if you're just a particularly crassy person that likes to do it in the dark more than 10 million men worldwide trim their most precious area with manscaped and you can join them or if you need to get them in your life a gift or if you just need to hint at them that perhaps they're a little bit hairier than you would like them to be this is the perfect socially acceptable gesture also there is free shipping worldwide plus a 20% discount if you go to the link in the show notes below or head to manscaped.com wisdom and use the code modern wisdom a checkout that's manscaped.com wisdom and modern wisdom a checkout what was that creepiness research that you did yes so especially after after the pandemic I found that men were consistently telling me I am worried about being creepy and I would ask okay well what what does creepy mean to you and the answer they either didn't have an answer or it was always different so I first I did some research around like what men if if this was holding back men and spoiled the answer was yes like men were very worried about being creepy and I think something like 46% said that it limited their interactions or affected their interactions with women which is a lot and then but they couldn't Define what it was so then I asked women okay what is creepy to you and what guys thought was creepy and what women thought was creepy wasn't always the same but what I really realized from doing this research or my takeaway in relation to my clients is the guys who are actually worried about being creepy are usually not the creepy ones H by definition yes by definition and maybe like one in 10 of the guys who worried about being creepy are unknowingly doing something creepy some of the things on the top of the list when I surveyed the women of what they found was creepy was um excessive staring unwanted physical contact cat calling unwanted contact online is actually a very big one that I think guys don't think about what's that so you see a girl at yoga class you hear her name when she checks in you then add her on Instagram you haven't talked to her she didn't give you her Instagram that's inappropriate interesting um and a lot of those things I just described aren't things that a guy who's worried about being creepy is actually doing and so I found like it was almost just helpful to tell these men who were worried about being creepy listen your problem isn't that you're creepy that's not why you're not getting girls your problem is that you're being too much of a nice guy and you're actually not putting yourself out there enough and taking enough risks with the women you're interested in that's the category they fell into right okay so what what are the things guys think are creepy but aren't was there any of those that came through I'm trying to let me I didn't survey the men on what they thought was creepy that's more just like what I like they were worried about it um I feel like they thought being AC approached with yeah okay I'm remembering now men often times were worried that just approaching a woman was creepy that looking at a woman was creepy and so okay women didn't say looking was creepy women said excessive staring so this goes back to what I said if you look at a woman that's a and you make eye contact and you give her a little smile that's a great opportunity and an opener to go approach her hey I feel like we made eye contact before so I wanted to come over and say hello but if she looks away and turns her back and then she looks back glances back at you and you're still looking you're still staring that's creepy that's the excessive staring that she's talking about if you approach her and you expect to get her phone number number right away you form no trust and you're just like hey um I'd love to take you to drink sometime like could I get your phone number okay I that's just weird and like she might think like yeah that was kind of creepy he just like demanded my phone number he didn't establish any connection or trust first that's a question should you ask for a girl's phone number or ask for their Instagram phone number why it shows more intent it shows if you ask her ask her on a date first of all and then get her contacted information be confident and Direct in what you want like oh I want to keep in touch let's get your in can I get your Instagram like what you need to like check out where she's traveled in the past couple years like why do you need her Instagram you either want to go out with her or you don't and I will say sometimes women will say like how about we do Instagram instead she wants to make sure you're not a serial killer she does want to sus you out a little more and in that case sure no problem let's do Instagram but I would say as the man ask for the date and then ask for the phone number that's really cool that's a really cool way to do it cuz what you're doing as the guy is you're just kicking the can down the road in any case if I get her number if I get her Instagram after I've got her Instagram I'll ask her a number then once I've got her on WhatsApp I'll ask her to go out on a date you can do it right there yeah and I guess I wonder whether a lot of time on online dating and kind of a normalization of that as the emmo for what most people do is kind of making everyone forget that you don't need to jump through those Hoops that's the thing that you do when you don't have the inperson thing yeah I had this Jeffrey Miller told me about this idea where he wished that he could have a a dating uh platform where all that it consisted of was 30C videos and obviously you'd have to have some really robust AI to work out what's in those videos because the dating app that's videos Coulda cause some controversy but I do think that there's so much to be said for oh you know like a a maybe a video call I didn't You' have to be online at the same time so synchronous communication is kind of a bit tough but like if you had an async just gets do a 30 second video because you can just tell everything and if you're in person that's 100x over a video um and so yeah regressing back to okay well begin at the top of the funnel start at Instagram take it down to WhatsApp and then from WhatsApp take it to a date it's like bro you had you could just you didn't need to go back up yeah why are you adding in the social element of essentially a dating app and drawing it out and guess what she might not love your Instagram how important is a curated social media feed so it depends the younger you are the more relevant I think social media is in dating and if you're going to attach your social media to your dating app profile then you need to at least have it be decent you don't need to be posting every day you don't even need to be posting every week or every month but you need to think about what the top upper fold looks like so that's that's like you know when you open a newspaper and like what's at the top it's like when you open your Instagram what's at the top is what she's really going to see so that needs to look good and you should treat it like your dating app all of the things that we talked about that makes a good dating app quality photos clear concise captions those are all going to play in so if you have social media make sure it checks those boxes but personally I find it really attractive if an impressive when somebody doesn't have social media so and I think a lot of women and men would feel that way it's like oh I actually don't have Instagram or I don't use Instagram it's like damn yeah God this is like a barn find Jesus Christ it's only got a couple of thousand miles on it yeah uh how can guys you were talking about avoiding being creepy the way they communicate how can guys be more charismatic and funny I'm not a funny guy I don't do the funny thing you know that's for someone else how can they lean into that sort of playful teasing floating stuff yeah so the first thing I'll say is you don't need to be a comedian to be good at dating that you don't need to be telling jokes or doing a bit that is going to make her laugh what you want to be is lightweight fun and flirty so flirt is adult play so can you be playful with her can you tease her about something or tease yourself those are easier ways to get the flirtiness going that aren't oh I need to think about being funny and if you really feel like I want to be funnier I feel like I'm not good at making people smile or making people laugh then my few suggestions are watch more comedy like you will understand a lot about delivery and tone and how comedians make themselves funny because that is a learned skill it is not something they were born with take a comedy class or take an improv class especially if you're someone who struggles with word associations and coming up with something to say building that muscle by doing improv can be really beneficial and it's hard like a lot of guys are like I could never and it's like that's all the more reason or something like Toast Masters build that skill because dating and just like dating is a learnable skill just like being funny is a learnable skill having good conversations is also a learnable skill but it takes effort I haven't done Toast Masters but I've done a good bit of improv and at least in my experience the opportunity that you get in improv for sort of relinquishing fear of failure the one that I did every time that you got something wrong you had to put your hands in the air bow and say I failed and everyone applauded and it was to try and sort of desensitize it was so I failed and then everyone goes oh there we are we failed it's really funny and it it it really sort of helps to cast off a lot of that nervous energy does this yes that would translate to approaching correct yeah like doesn't matter I failed like and whatever um love that one of the best I can do it with you now actually so let's do my favorite this is from I've never done improv for the record that's fine this is uh from my speech coach miles so this is one of his favorite improv exercises so I'm going to do three phases of this okay first one you're going to just point around the room at different objects things and as you point at them you're just going to tell me the name of what they are so you're going to point at them and you're just going to say the name of them do it at the pace whatever you want all right three two 1 bread can iPad Cris camera TV light perfect okay second version you're going to point at things around the room but you're not going to say the name of the first thing you point at and when you point at the second one you're going to say the name of the first one and then when you point at the third one you're going to say the name of the second one so you're going to not say the name of the first thing and you're always going to be one object behind as you're pointing and I need you to not point in the same the same things in the same order not the same order you can point feel like I got this no you can't do it in the same order all right 3 2 One camera light I failed I failed that is hard I was like I got this all right so third one okay uh now you're going to point around the room at objects and you're going to call them anything in the world that isn't what they are okay all right three three two one plant dog car basket uh TV um baby cool okay well done we did it um so what we've done there first one is just straight up description and it's can I get what's in my brain uh in my eyes into brain and then back out of mouth second one's the most difficult one so that's parallel processing you're going around the room and pointing at the things that are there but you're not saying what's in your mind you're saying what was previously in your mind so that's being able to hold on to multiple threads at the same time and then the final one is just straight up creativity can I point at the thing and do something creative and I love that exercise it's so fun you can do it in two minutes and I that second one just breaks people's brains yeah and it gets your brain like ticking in a different way that's something I want to practice it's really cool do you feel like as you get better at that game it helps you with parallel thinking in conversation for sure that's a great strategy it's [ __ ] cool isn't it I'm gonna bring that can me yeah I mean it's just so it's so much fun to do with with anybody because they immediately go I've never had to yeah well God I mean if you're going to make your date seem silly but um yeah you're right it's being silly on a date is a good thing that's true but making the other person feel silly maybe you doing it and saying okay so I'm going to go first and then showing how but for a second or third date you can have that one uh yeah I love that I love that as a as an idea but the point being that that is showing you just how how further cuz there's people out there that I've seen do that that can just go bump bump bump bump bum being one behind at all times it's wild uh I'm going to practice next time you see me try me vicious okay one of the conversations I've had a lot on the show over the last few years has been about the sort of loneliness epidemic of men obviously you're dealing with men who are struggling in dating you've done some research on this there's a lot of talk about the Perils of men and the challenge of modern masculinity and how men are falling behind and you know I've been one of the people that's pushed this but from your experience from your research how much are men struggling with loneliness at the moment what did the data say so there is absolutely a large subset of men struggling with loneliness what I have actually found though is it's not all men it is certain men in a certain group and actually the type of men because I did this research like two years ago and I have noticed over the years that actually the type of man who works with me isn't necessarily from that lonely bucket the type of man who comes to a woman and is seeking help in his dating life often has a very robust life outside of dating a lot of people assume like oh they hire someone who hires a dating coach you must be like a real loser and that is absolutely not the case a lot of my most of my clients are successful professionals have robust social lives Hobbies lots of friends family that they are engaged with they aren't the ones who aren't seeing any friends and family for a month at a time um and it's just their dating life that they're confused about and they want to level up and match where the rest of their life already is I would say for men who are really struggling with loneliness and making friends and leaving their house that is something that needs to be addressed first and separately than thinking about how am I going to get a woman to join me because no woman is going to want to join you on your lonely couch where you never leave six nights a week so the Journey of getting into a relationship begins with getting some friends yes your dating life is going to be infinitely easier once you have a Social Circle in a community that you are actively engaged in it's wild that this is revolutionary information well it's really sad that we've come so far from that just being the standard and this goes back to what I was saying about technology of we don't have to have Community or social lives to get our Baseline needs met to get our food to get our pleasure to get our dopamine but I don't think it's good for society 45% of men say that they see friends less than one times per month 35% say that they're either unmotivated or have given up on dating 54% say they'd rather play video games than have sex on a given day terrifying and that was 2 single men in the US so again was selecting for people who may already be low sex drive may be the sort of people that are less likely to be dating anyway and in that same uh data set in that same survey there was a category that I didn't include that was men generally and men in relationships and it was the single men that were struggling the men in relationships saw friends and family more regularly had interest areas didn't feel as lonely were more interested in sex but it's it's a self-fulfilling prophecy of okay I'm not having sex I can you know just masturbate at home watching porn uh on only fans that becomes easier it now is one step harder to get out of the house the next day and go work for it when I have this at my fingertips at home yeah where that wasn't an option decades ago you know even taking back one decade definitely two or three decades like if you wanted to get laid you had to go out and do it like maybe go even if you had to go to the video store and rent like a VHS porno at least you're out of the house at least you to interact with somebody yeah man I think a lot of young men are being sedated out of the state of seeking reproductive seeking behavior that they would have done previously uh the video games versus sex thing is is wild but I suppose that for so many guys now there's just this big fear around it and like you say guys that are in relationships they see their family more they see their friends more or they're less likely to say that they're lonely but that doesn't mean that getting into a relationship is the solution to those things you don't know which direction the arrow of causality is going here and usually you need those things to get in a relationship with a quality woman because yeah you're not going to first of all like I said before meet a quality woman if you're sitting at home on your couch and then two you're not going to have anything to talk about with her if you're not building that Community like the community in the Social Circle is a byproduct of having interests and Investments that you do outside of your home and that you're passionate and interested in yeah because even the friends thing I think people presume they know that there's a kind of pre-selection thing going on with dating that people aren't obligated to just get into a relationship with you because you're there but the same thing's through friendships too that you know there's been periods in my life where even though I've had tons and tons of um like status I basically haven't ever not had status since I've been an adult because I went Club promo into reality TV into the podcasting thing but there was definitely periods where the sort of people I wanted to be friends with wouldn't want to be friends with me because I had nothing to talk to them about because even though the things that they were interested in I was also interested in I hadn't actually curated that area of my life at all I just had this yeah well you know like I'm sure that I'll be accepted or whatever it's like no it's not uh so you need to work hard to get friends and you know working hard at anything sucks it's way easier to not have to work hard and to then rail against the world about why it's unfair or about why friends aren't for me I'm going to be a Lone Ranger Sigma male [ __ ] alpha wolf and it's like no dude you're going to die soon and and you have people on the internet who are saying you're right for that and you have your little Eco chamber that are of people who agree with you so you actually don't feel like so alone or so isolated in that view you're like yeah look at all these other guys all these other people feel the same way and they're just as lonely and sick and sedated misery loves its company mhm how much can guys turn it around in your experience because people are coming to you we've just said lots of people that are lonely I have [ __ ] an absolute [ __ ] ton of Sympathy for the guys out there that are struggling I've done 50 episodes on the show that are talking about this what I don't have sympathy for are guys that don't believe that it can improve and I have active distaste for guys that are encouraging other guys to believe that they can't improve it like there's a special place in Hell reserve for people who are nihilistic and convince others to be the same yeah how much can guys who are I Blain I I heard you on this podcast and I really like it and I I feel like I want to get friends I want to get interest then I want to get friends then I'm going to get a relationship and I'm going to have a life how much can the person that thinks it's hopeless turn it around in your experience it is 100% possible if you are willing to do the work and get outside your comfort zone this is not something that improves because you watch a seminar on it and you watch my course and you read all the books that is not what makes the difference are you willing to get outside your comfort zone take action try and fail try again we can do a 180 we can transform your life and a lot most of my clients often are coming to me with a pretty good base they already have their interest and they already have some friends but not everyone some come to me really much at square one and it's I need help with all of this and we can do that everything I'm teaching about approaching women and talking to people is absolutely applicable to making friends and you know sometimes some people need is a cheerleader and to be held accountable and taking a course or working with a coach helps them being encouraged I suppose as well if if you've got no one who's telling you well done for going and doing the thing you said you were going to do as opposed to just yourself who already thinks that you're a piece of [ __ ] but there's definitely been times you know it's so funny because I think I have personally the psychological makeup of somebody who would be and could be incredibly isolated and lonely if it wasn't for the fact that kind of the situations I've ended up in have kept me moving and dragged me out of thatting like I just you know I there's a lot of push back on the internet I started talking about bullying in school uh about two years ago a year and a half ago and uh so many people seem to be incapable of imagining somebody who is now achieved some level of worldly success uh as ever having had any setbacks and this guy this guy so internet I know like you can tell that this guy was born with a silver spoon in his mouth um like show me that you didn't have any problems without telling me you didn't have any problems I'm like bro my childhood like was [ __ ] rough like really rough especially in socially especially in school and it took a long time for me to get rid I'm still in therapy unpacking the assumptions I have about myself the story that I tell myself but I can see and this is why I'm always a little a little bit torn because even if it doesn't appear like it from the outside I really genuinely understand the psychology of the guys that are stuck in the house that do not have a particularly high sense of selfworth that are scared of going out and making friends that do feel like they've been rejected by Society because for so long that was me and yet was it a little while ago and yet did a bit of a glow up and some time in the gym maybe riing out of that was I fortunate to sit next to a guy that made me a club promoter in my first seminar at University all of these things yeah but a lot of that came from luck some of it came from sort of predisposition but a ton of it came from [ __ ] agency and me doing the work yes and I think it's it's often discounted anybody that has like looks or success or or or money or whatever um well it's must be nice easy for him to say and it immediately discounts all of these things but I I don't think that it's true and you know I really really try as hard as I can to sell a message to young dudes that look I've been in a very very similar position to you for a very long time the world's forgotten about me no one cares it's hard it sucks uh I don't need anybody else things are too scary I it just just doesn't feel safe to me uh and yet there are like the bar is set so low because so many people feel the same thing that you do and so few are prepared to get over it and I understand why you're unprepared to get over it I know so you don't need to be it's like that thing about um if you're being chased by an alligator you don't need to run faster than the alligator you just need to run faster than the guy that's next to you um and it's kind of the same as that so few people are going to be prepared to take control to go and do something that makes a good change in their life and that can be you like that could be you tomorrow tomorrow you could get up you could not hit snooze you could go to the gym you could go for a walk on the morning you could join the local run club which is [ __ ] free you could listen to podcasts that you think make you better you could get the audible subscription you can switch out for some [ __ ] streaming service subscription that you've got and you can start listening to books and improve yourself it is such a blessing to live in a time now where you have the best of every single human that's ever existed at the touch of a button and you can use it and tomorrow make yourself better make your world better it's fantastic and that's why I'm always so torn between sympathy for the people that are struggling and then this desire to just say bro [ __ ] step it up cuz no one else is going to do it no one else is going to come and save you no one's going to come and drag you out of your pit of hopeless self-pity you're going to have to do it or you're going to stay there which one do you want yeah you have two options and the choice is really yours and I think it's way easier for people to look at you and say he got lucky he had a silver spoon because that means you didn't take action and you don't they don't need to have agency because they didn't get lucky and they didn't have the Silver Spoon so it's much easier to just assume everyone else had it better than you and you are miserable because of your circumstances than to look at yourself and say I can change my circumstances there's a quote from pachy mccomic where he says the greatest trick the devil ever played was to convince you that the pessimists are the good guys and it's [ __ ] true I don't want to be around those people I haven't for a long time uh and yet I see it drawing to myself we had this idea last year called The Lonely chapter which is when you've started to change you're thinking differently you've maybe done a bit of personal development you've got dreams and goals and aspirations for yourself so you're different to your existing set of friends but you're not yet sufficiently developed that you're at the level of the friends that you're going to have and you're stuck in this sort of No Man's Land Between Two you you can't have conversations with your old friends without regressing back to a person that you really kind of don't want to be anymore and yet you haven't managed to cultivate the new friend groups of the more developed person that you're going to turn into and you know you spend a lot of time stuck in this lonely chapter stuck in this sort of middle and it's so easy if you to I just go back there and there's a scene in The Matrix where Neo has been met by Trinity and she opens the door and he's about to get out and walk down it and she says you don't want to go down that road Neo you've been down that road and you know where it leads and that's what I see when I think about people turning back when I think about guys and girls turning back down a road that they already know the familiar I'm going to go back to drinking on a weekend with the boys getting a bag in spending all of my money on one lad's holiday per per year I'm not going to have any bigger dreams for myself because it's scary it's uncom it makes me feel concerned about my future no one else around me is doing it I'm scared that I'm going to be alone it's like bro you're already alone you're already alone because the people that are around you don't get you they don't genuinely care about you they're just happy for you to wallow in your own like pity and stagnation along with them and even if they're not doing it because they want to hold you back they don't have the same dreams that you do and this isn't a value judgment the people that are happy with a simple life where you don't have to have travel and ambition and a big company and or what ever whatever it is that you think you need in order to make yourself happy there's may be an argument to be made that the more simple person has the better life and that they're actually a superior human to the rest of us they probably are but if you are not that person there is this permanent ambient little devil on your shoulder saying you're not doing enough you could be better this isn't the life that's made for you you should be doing more and in my experience that voice won't go away it can only be satisfied by you actually trying to do things and make changes and this comes for getting friends for improving yourself for losing weight for getting into a relationship there are people out there for whom the asexual Community it's is it the 1 of June today no 1 of June well my watch is definitely wrong because it says it's the 2nd of June but I think it's the 31st 31st of May uh first day of pride month tomorrow the lgbtq i a a asexual there's some people out there but it's way fewer than like people want to make out and the AI girlfriends aren't going to come sufficiently quickly and I don't think they're going to make you satisfied so yeah rant over but I think there is an awful lot that guys can do to lift themselves out of their misery where the self-imposed or societally imposed there are things absolutely I think that was a great rant and well said and I think a lot of guys are thinking wow that sounds so hard to lift myself up and to get into shape and to get a girlfriend and to have a better job like start small if you're not doing anything today just go on a 30 minute walk every single day without your phone do that for 30 days and see how you feel just wake up half an hour earlier every single day and get sunlight into your eyes just chat to the woman at the cashier at the grocery store and see if you can make her smile or laugh make her day tell her what you like about her appearance and watch her light up taking these small baby but very important steps should not be overlooked or underappreciated that's where you have to start and that is okay you know you didn't wake up here in this chair interviewing people with perfect lighting and millions of people watching you started you know talking to people on the internet and accidentally turned it into a career exactly do Smart Guys struggle with dating oh yeah why uh in my experience a lot of my clients are very smart they're very analytical they have high IQs and maybe not high by eqs and that's often why that translates to struggling with dating they're overthinking everything rather than just saying the authentic thing that comes into their mind they're worried is she going to like me if I say that should I say that is this going to impress her and then two seconds have passed and she's looking at them waiting for a response and then they just blurt out you know something that they think is going to be agreeable so they are consistently overthinking and oftentimes they're really good at forming intellectual connections so they can talk about work and what they read or saw on the news but they aren't forming the sexual or emotional connections which is a totally different skill how can Smart Guys develop those two skills with practice and starting small so it depends on where you feel like you're struggling but oftentimes it's just becoming aware of it when I'll talk to Smart guys who are struggling with dating and I say hey I bet you're really good at forming intellectual connections and you can talk about a b and c but I bet you oftentimes hear I didn't feel chemistry you're not progressing things sexually and the sexual and emotional connections are missing they're like oh yeah I never thought of it that way because to them they love having the intellectual connection they love speaking you know intelligently and deeply about topics that they are passionate about and that might be really nice and the woman might view them as hey he's a really smart interesting guy but I didn't feel the Romantic Vibe so just being aware of it first and that there is a missing romantic Vibe is often the first step the loow hanging fruit of okay let's take this from a meeting to a date is what I touched on before is just inserting physical touch creating the familiarity of being physical is a huge jump from not keeping your hands by your sides and not touching her at all so can you make her feel comfortable can you make her you know maybe you have your hand like lightly on her lower back as she's getting to the seed and she's kind of like oh like he touched my lower back like that is flirting without saying anything and that has to be incorporated so again starting small incorporating that then being playful can you tease her can you say things that are a little bit silly can you play a game that makes you look silly and gets both of you laughing rather than just having a serious conversation and maybe it's a good conversation and you're debating the merits of you know something that you actually are both passionate about but it's not something that's getting her feeling like like light and girly and like she wants to be feminine and you know flirt with you that idea that especially smart guys over optimize for intellectualism or for kind of clever conversations Charlie again from charism on command totally saw me like just [ __ ] x-rayed through my soul when he talked about how uh lots of people that like having interesting conversations and spend a bit of time thinking they always assume that the right answer to a question is the correct answer as opposed to purposefully saying something that's wrong or Russell Brand Russell I've heard that you've got a sex addiction is that right I don't know if it's right but it's definitely enjoyable it's the wrong answer but it's actually better than the correct answer way better so much better than the correct answer so you know Charlie was teaching me he said that if you ever walk out of the house and it's particularly extreme weather rainy hot cold just say whatever the opposite is It's the shittest dad joke ever it's almost guaranteed to get a bit of a giggle is it lame yeah but by saying it you you know it's lame it's so lame that you know it's lame yeah um and the same thing goes for somebody asking a question like George my friend who's out here uh currently in Austin is so great at when there's a game of tennis going so conversation's kind of like a game of tennis you hit the ball back and forth in a manner there's a question and there's an answer and there's another question and there's an answer and it's back and forth like this and he just grabs the ball and pulls it up into the sky it's something completely separate or it's a call back to something from half an hour ago and it's it always rips me out of and it always makes me think about that Charlie hoopet thing which is oh [ __ ] like that was better his incorrect answer was better than the correct answer to this thing um so I just think that you know purposefully being silly or incorrect with not all the time obviously but especially if you're a guy if you've just delivered a a two minute treaties on why kiyoto wasn't bombed by Nag by the atomic bomb but in fact it was Nagasaki instead if you just explained that but then a couple of sentences later you make a silly joke oh wow like this is a guy that can do both yeah yeah and why that works is you're making her feel something this is an she's having an emotion outside of what she was already feeling she can have a probably a nice conversation with just about anyone you know if she's a good conversationalist but if you're giving her like an emot I don't like love calling it an emotional Spike because that sounds like kind of pickup aresty but that H that is some there's something to be said for that that's what you're going for you want her to feel things when she's talking to you or when she's with you and that might be because you're putting your hand on her leg or because you're saying something silly or goofy that throws her for a loop it's not just what she's expecting saying something or doing something that she's not expecting is is actually very attractive I suppose as well that it how many conversations does she have with the guy on the airplane with the person at work that's married or whatever that stays within the confines of let me tell you about why Kyoto wasn't bombed during World War II that's perfectly fine the sort of lines that are crossed where that's less common are the sort of playful teasing of people watching commenting on the way that a dog looks like its owner whatever it might be um that's much rarer and I suppose it helps to separate you as a guy out from all of the other dudes the ones that aren't interested in dating the ones that are interested in dating but aren't as interesting or as clever or whatever exactly she's going on dates with she's probably getting drinks and going on dates with multiple other guys maybe even that week especially if you met her on a dating app and she's probably having the same conversations what she does for work where she's from whether she likes the weather so how can you incorporate topics or themes into a date either because you're planning a unique date that's like even that's what I like about a walking date you are going to have things to see and talk about that'll will spark conversation outside of the mundane we're sitting across from each other at a bar sipping a drink there's not anything unique happening around us so we're left to either have a the same conversation you always have or it falls on the guy to now come up with something different if you feel like you struggle to have different interesting conversations a walk can be helpful in facilita Statue look at that bird over there Etc that funny looking dog yeah what are the traits that women do and don't care about that much because I think what guys think women prioritize and then there's this sense that well that's what they say that they care about but actually they don't care about that so given that you have field tested thousands of men what are the traits that women do and don't care about that yeah so something that throws guys is women care a lot less about what you look like than you care about what she looks like so yes your appearance matters somewhat you can't look like a slob you need to be dressed appropriately you want to be in decent shape but whether you have a six-pack or a dad bod you can do equally well with women if you're hitting on the stuff that they do want so talking about what women what is important to them what they do want they want a guy who shows that he can be a provider and that doesn't necessarily mean like you have a big paycheck and you drive a nice car but it means that you have ambition and drive and interest to get things done so I talk about I tell my clients when you're on a date you want to talk about your trajectory because it doesn't actually matter where you are today she cares where you are going this is why people who are in medical school and you know star athletes are treated like they're in the MBA or they are doctors because that is where their trajectory says they are heading it's the starving guitarist that's sleeping on his friend's couch but is kind of talented and in future he may become Ed shiran yeah and if you can speak to that and your goals then you're almost as good as there because that's really what she's looking for and this goes back to having those in investment areas and hobbies that we talked about you being dedicated to going to run Club every morning or even you know hosting dinner for your friends every Sunday morning whatever it is that are your hobbies that you've developed this shows that you have perseverance that you care about things that is also showing her that you can fulfill your promises and this is why online dating is so different for men and women a man can look at a girl's woman's profile and he can tell a lot about what he needs to know about her at least enough to go on a date or to sleep with her by looking at her profile and a woman cannot do the same with a man she can exchange dozens of messages with him and still not know if he's the type of guy she wants to go on a date with because the traits that she's looking for in a man aren't discernible from photos and bio she wants to see so much more about how he's going to be in the future how he's going to provide how he's going to make her feel I talk a lot about women want three things I break this down into three things that I then break down subsequently much further but women want status which we we sort of just talked about they want to feel desired and they want to have fun and if you are missing one of these three things you you probably aren't going to be a romantic partner for her so if you're high status and you're having fun but you're not appropriately expressing your desire like the Romantic side she might think you're an awesome guy and even really compelling but she's not going to want to sleep with you she's not going to be romantically interested in you or if like you're flirty and fun and you are telling her giving her the desire point and you're having a good time with her but she doesn't see that you have status and that you're going places she might Entertain You in the moment but she's also not going to see you as long-term potential so it's really building those three things distinctly and being able to then deliver them on dates and with women you're spending time with that results in getting the results you want with women and having your pick ideally of women that you're going out with that want to pursue things with you as a man are there any other traits that guys think women care about but is uh they overpricing their job I think it's a lot less about what your job actually is and it's how you talk about it so if you're talking about being an accountant and it's fine it's whatever it pays the bills that is that sounds lame but if you could have the exact same job but if you frame it in a way that I work I do the financials for a company that changes the world even if you don't like your job that much that's like oh damn okay he's doing important stuff so it's less about what your job actually is and more about how you talk about it and how you feel about it matters to why are you spending 8 hours a day doing something you don't like that strikes me as a guy who doesn't have agency over his life and isn't taking control and building the life he wants I think a good get out of jail free card there because a lot of people might think well I don't do a cool job and I don't necessarily like it my boss is a dick and I I don't want to lie you've said that I need to be authentic so I can't pretend but if you were to say something like so I can't lie my boss is a dick and uh I work really hard at the thing that I do I'm an accountant at this big four accountancy firm uh I don't think that I'm going to be there forever because my dream is to away you go so what I'm doing at the moment is I'm accumulating a bunch of cash within the next 18 months or so my plan is to like okay well this is a journey and this is someone that shows and one of the things I guess about this kind of sucks that I work for a boss that's a bit of a prick but I'm actually really proud of myself for getting through this period uh and I guess you know if I go into business with someone who's a prick in future I'm kind of going to be I'm going to be well set yeah or it's you know it's great because it's paying the bills right now and it allows me to spend extra time with my dog on Hikes and we're trying to Summit you know these Seven Peaks this year even if it's not professionally related like what is the reason that you're there and and then I would challenge you if you if you really can't find a positive in it then you need to do some soul searching and rear rearrange you know said about um improving your life building life you're genuinely proud of yeah yeah it's not all just marketing there is product in that and the delivery the way you said it you know my boss is a prick but with like a smile on your face you're you're kind of playful with it it's like my boss is such a dick is very different where you're like you're angry and you're letting it affect your emotions but if you just let it roll off your back it's all about the delivery hell yeah bla Anderson ladies and gentlemen blae I appreciate you I really like the fact that you were a fish teaching fisherman how to fish or whatever it's called uh where should people go they want to check out all of the things you yeah you can find me across all social media dating by Blaine uh my website dating by bla.com any of those get in touch I would love to help you start meeting women you're excited about and baking bread and yeah baking or bread by Blaine also find me on Instagram there all right thank you thanks Chris if you enjoyed that episode you will love a selection of the best clips from the podcast over the last couple of months and it's available right here go on give my watch