Video summary
Mark Manson argues that a fundamental issue with modern dating and self-perception, particularly within certain political movements like pick-a-partis, is the belief that one can be accepted by simply performing a version of themselves they are not. He illustrates this through his observations on popular male advice books from 2014, such as *Models* by Mark Manson himself, works by Jeffrey Miller and Tucker Max, which taught men to adopt specific personas or tactics to attract women. While these strategies often helped awkward individuals secure dates initially, the result was frequently increased depression rather than happiness. The core problem is that receiving affection based on a performance reinforces the underlying belief that one's authentic self is unlikable; consequently, it becomes better to be disliked for who you are than liked for who you are not. Manson explains that when people live through a persona, they do not receive genuine love but only praise directed at their role rather than themselves. He uses an analogy of actors like Russell Crowe or Chris Hemsworth receiving applause for playing characters like Gladiator or Thor; similarly, individuals living as a facade feel hollow because the audience is applauding a performance, not the person behind it. This creates a psychological distance where one feels degrees removed from their own successes and relationships. Manson describes this state of constant acting in professional settings, such as networking events, as mentally exhausting and draining, noting that he personally struggles with these interactions because they require suppressing his natural introverted nature to fit an expected social mold. To counteract the pressure of performance-based validation, Manson advocates for "front-loading" one's authentic self early in relationships before a partner can tolerate less honesty. He shares a personal anecdote about meeting his wife at 3 AM in a nightclub in Brazil, where their immediate connection was formed not by using pickup lines or techniques, but through an unexpected and genuine conversation about Russian grammar versus Romance language grammar. His wife listened intently to this niche interest because it reflected who he truly was, proving that authentic curiosity creates deeper bonds than optimized tactics ever could. He even employs a similar strategy in his own dating life now, sending intellectual articles like those from Substack or topics on zebra mating habits as filters for compatibility; if the other person engages with these specific interests, they are likely someone who will enjoy being around him without requiring him to change. Ultimately, Manson concludes that men should stop optimizing solely for body count or sexual conquest and instead focus on finding happiness in their relationships with women. He references his book *Models* again to highlight its central thesis: whether a man sleeps with one woman or many is irrelevant compared to the quality of his emotional satisfaction. Sacrificing authenticity to gain temporary validation leads to misery, as it forces individuals to constantly maintain a fragile performance that never truly satisfies them. By embracing their true selves and seeking partners who appreciate those genuine traits, men can avoid the exhausting cycle of pretending and build relationships based on real connection rather than applause for a role they are forced to play.
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Eventually, you'll realize that it's
better to be disliked for who you are
than liked for who you are not. Then
everything will change.
Yeah. I
the
being liked for who you're not is not
being liked, right? Even if you get
people to like the performance that
you're putting on,
you never get the s you never get the
satisfaction of being liked. you won't
because it's not you, it's the
performance. And
it actually backfires because it just
reinforces that you have to perform
more. You're not good enough. You're not
acceptable. Yeah. I think this was the
fundamental there was many but I think
that this is one of the fundamental
issues with the pick a partis movement
the way that it came about uh that what
it taught men who were struggling with
women was that hey you can be really
affected with women you just need to not
be yourself you just need to be I dude I
saw this firsthand so many times like I
I saw people don't know that you wrote
models dude the best still the best
dating advice book for everyone should
go and get it on audible and go back In
2014 that came out 13 13 [ __ ] 12 years
dude that's ins that's if you're a guy
who wants to improve I would say um uh
mate be the guy women want uh Jeffrey
Miller and Tucker Max and Models by you
the two they were the two [ __ ] the
two car garage of Yeah sick um yeah I
used to coach those guys and it was
funny because it's I saw it all the time
you know guys they they'd learn the
lines they practice the technique. Did
you see the [ __ ] fight outside? Yeah.
Yeah, exactly. Who lies more? Um, but it
and a lot of them they would start
getting laid and then they they would
get laid. Like you would take these kind
of awkward nerds who had never had a
girlfriend, never hooked up,
they'd learn all these tactics and
stuff. They'd start getting laid all the
time and they'd actually feel worse
about themselves. They'd actually get
more depressed. And and it was exactly
this. It's like they're not The fact
that they had to learn a performance to
get a woman to like them just reinforced
how unlikable they were. You're not good
enough. Yeah. Yeah.
I The eventually you'll realize that
it's better to be disliked for who you
are than liked for who you are not. It
took me a 15-minute TEDex talk to say
that. Uh I did I'm not kidding. I did an
entire 15-minute TEDex talk. Took
[ __ ] months. It took so long. Um, but
yeah, I had this I had this insight
doing a club promo that toward the end
of my 20s, I'd achieved success in a lot
of the ways that society tells a young
man that he should be successful.
Similar to, you know, massively
dissimilar to yourself, right? You got
uh notoriety. Um, you have sort of
social access, women, and like a little
bit of money and stuff and you're
comfortable and people know who you are
and all the rest of it. I was like,
[ __ ] Like, why does none of this
success really like feel real? And I
realized that a persona can't receive
love. It can only receive praise. You
know, it's it's saying, "Hey, well done
um Gladiator, not well done Russell
Crowe. Well done Thor. Not well done
Chris Hemsworth." There's this sense
that, you know, if you're not being who
you truly are, all of your successes
will feel hollow cuz people aren't in
love with you. They're just applauding
the role that you play. And you're
always at best the closest that you get
is being one degree removed from your
successes. And much of the time you're
four, five, six, seven degrees removed
from it because it's okay. I Chris must
work out what him Mark wants me to say
when he say, "Hey, what do you think
about the new Avengers movie?" It's
like, uh, uh, reverse engineer. What do
I know about what Mark likes about the
Avengers movies and the franchise and
what do I think that he's predicted? I
think it's good. Yeah, it is good. Yes,
it is good. I knew this guy, you know,
and there's always this performance that
you have on which again just reinforces
you cannot be you which is it's also
exhausting. It's it's like such a
draining mental exercise this way. I I I
hate I hate networking. I'm like I'm a
terrible networker. And and I think part
of it is I feel like I have to do that a
little bit. Like I don't naturally
see this why I don't have guests on my
podcast anymore cuz I'm not like keeping
on top of them. I don't really care.
Like I'm not I'm not super curious about
like, oh, I wonder what that guy across
the room is like. Like that's just not
me. I'm I'm like very low-key
introverted. Um don't need to like be
everybody's friend. And I I still feel
that sometimes in professional contexts
where it's like, okay, I'm in a room.
I'm like, this is totally one of those
rooms where I should be walking around
like shaking everybody's hand,
introducing myself, and I'm just like,
and it's exhausting. It's like so
[ __ ] exhausting. Um, so yeah, I can't
imagine living like that. Like it's okay
when it's just like this one sliver of
my life that I only occupy briefly, you
know, um, each year. But to never switch
it off when you got if you're going
through your whole life that way. And
especially Yeah. If you're that way with
your partner, if you're that way with
your your friends,
it's just it seems like such a miserable
way to live. It's the reason for uh how
do you say front-loading being yourself
in the extreme as early in a
relationship as you think that person
can tolerate.
Uh that's very carefully chosen words.
Um I had look I dude I I I was uh single
last year for the first time in a long
time and certainly for the first time
being this version of me. Yeah. And um I
had a I had a strategy of uh an
intellectual [ __ ] test. Okay. Um which
was kind of like you told them your
business idea.
Yes. I knew that you'd keep it in your
mind. Everyone's going to be like,
"What's this billion dollar idea?" Like
you don't get to find out. Um it's if
you imagine uh negging, but instead of
insulting a girl, uh sending them
Psychology Today articles and seeing if
they say something interesting in
response. Yeah. Uh, and it was, look,
this is something that's interesting to
me. Human nature's one of the like, if
you're going to get into a relationship
with me, I'm going to send you lots of
articles from Substack, okay? And I'm
going to expect at some point over the
next week for us to have a chat about
one of the things that I've sent you
that's hopefully remotely interesting to
you. And if that doesn't it's a
relatively innocuous but pretty good
front-end
filter for
maybe I'm not going to be reading
articles at the same velocity that I am
now in 10 years time but I imagine I'm
still going to be intellectually curious
and this is a good ruff rubric and like
a cute oh isn't this interesting you see
that article about how Taylor Swift's
changed whatever the [ __ ] like that's
interesting so I'm okay I'm going to do
that and uh it I think an older version
of me or a younger version of me um
would have been,
huh, well, that's not that doesn't
necessarily fit what a cool guy would
do. Like, you really going to send this
article about like the mating habits of
zebras and how it's different to horses
and the fact that that's like really
interesting because of the different
environment they grew up as some
[ __ ] It's like, uh, yeah, actually,
that's actually a really, really good
thing to do. And the story that it
reinforces in yourself is I am allowed
to be me. I'm allowed to be more me
sometimes than I even especially if you
can tune it up at the start and push
yourself beyond your comfort zone cuz
you go ah I'm future proofed for like I
wouldn't have usually done this for two
years and you know I've got myself to
It's funny it's funny you brought up
models cuz like I'm remembering now you
know one of the central points in that
book which at the time was controversial
uh was that as a man you shouldn't
you're not optimizing to get laid as
many times as possible. You're
optimizing to be happy with women. Like
that's the whole point of this. Like
whether you get laid whether you you you
date and sleep with one woman or 100,
what matters is your happiness. It's not
like you can get to that. It's not the
body count, right? And like what you
just described is I I'm just having
flashbacks of when I was in that
industry. Like I would say things like
that. I'm like, "Yeah, dude. Send them
zebra articles, you know, like cuz then
that's going to show you if she's the
type of girl that you're going to enjoy
being with." And you know, guys would be
like, "Well, good luck getting laid with
zebra articles, you know, and they'd
look down on it. They'd call you [ __ ]
beta and pussy." Hang on. So, you're
you're prepared to sacrifice something
that you know that you do want for
something that you think that you do
want. Yeah. With someone who doesn't
actually want you because you can't be
you in order to get the thing that you
think that you want. I don't I didn't
follow all that, but Yeah. Sure. Sick.
All right. Wait. Okay. Go ahead. No, you
go ahead. No, I was I had I I was going
to tell a story. Tell the story. So, the
night I met my wife, um I met her at uh
3 in the morning in a nightclub in
Brazil. And within five minutes, I
somehow ended up in a conversation about
Russian grammar and how it was different
from romance language grammar. And she
actually sat there and listened the
whole time, dude. And she was like
asking question. She was like curious
about it. And I remember I remember that
moment. I was like, "Holy [ __ ] she's
still here." Like,
and I was like, "Wow, we're going to get
along really well, you know." And um but
yeah, it's funny. It's like one of the
first conversations she and I had.
Yeah. I mean, I think a lot of guys want
to date a Brazilian. Uh, I'm not
convinced that they would have zeroed in
on Russian grammar and romance language
as the way into their heart. But look, I
mean, you were the guy that wrote the
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