Video summary
When sex suddenly stops in a relationship with a narcissist, it often causes deep confusion and destabilization because the dynamic has shifted from genuine connection to calculated control. Unlike healthy relationships where intimacy naturally grows over time through affection and bonding, a narcissist may initially use love bombing and sexual interest to secure a partner, only to withdraw that affection once they feel they have achieved their goal. In these toxic dynamics, sex is not used to create an emotional bond but rather as a bargaining tool to gain advantage and maintain power. The act becomes robotic and mechanical, lacking any sense of depth or true connection, leaving the victim feeling rejected and questioning their own worth while the narcissist uses this withdrawal to make them scramble for attention and validation.
The underlying reason for this withdrawal is rarely that the partner is no longer desired or that there is a lack of sexual interest; instead, it stems from the narcissist's insatiable need to extract maximum energy and effort from their victim. By rejecting the partner's sexuality and identity through excuses like going to bed at different times or criticizing their appearance, the narcissist forces the other person to work harder while they contribute less. This behavior is rooted in a distorted view of intimacy that lacks empathy, meaning the narcissist cannot truly feel what the partner feels or share in their experience. Consequently, the act of intimacy may even be perceived as offensive or disgusting by them, causing them to pull away because they are unable to handle the vulnerability and depth required for genuine emotional connection.
This inability to connect deeply is often exacerbated by past traumatic experiences, such as sexual abuse or inappropriate touching during childhood, which have left deep scars that make normal intimacy feel unsafe or wrong. Just as a person might avoid a restaurant after finding a fly in their food, a narcissist with unresolved trauma may view sex through a lens of disgust and fear, making it impossible for them to experience pleasure or form healthy bonds. Their minds are often rigid and polarized, viewing situations in black and white terms without the ability to see gray areas, which prevents them from changing or understanding different perspectives. Because they lack the capacity for empathy and are constantly on guard with defense mechanisms, they can only manage surface-level interactions before becoming overwhelmed, leading them to seek external validation that is ultimately shallow and fleeting.
Ultimately, the cessation of sex in these relationships is a clear sign that the narcissist cannot handle the depth of intimacy required for a healthy partnership, as their sexual needs are twisted by trauma and a fundamental lack of empathy. While they may appear to enjoy physical encounters at times, deep down they often find them offensive because their boundaries have been crossed and their internal world is filled with pain and confusion. Recognizing that this behavior is not a reflection of the victim's inadequacy but rather a result of the narcissist's own unresolved issues and inability to connect is crucial for healing. Survivors can find hope in knowing that positive sexual experiences involving acceptance, safety, and presence are possible with healthy partners, whereas relationships with narcissists will always remain stuck in cycles of manipulation, control, and emotional distance that cannot be fixed.
Read the full video transcript
Why the narcissist stops having sex with
you.
One of the most confusing things about a
narcissistic relationship
[music] is when sex suddenly stops
happening. It's hard to understand. It
causes you to lose your focus or
direction. And it's something you didn't
expect. And not because you're arrogant,
not because you expect them to be all
over you all the time.
Although you may have plenty of evidence
that you are attractive and that you are
desirable to people or that you're
capable of generating sexual interest,
but the deeper conflict is that you know
what normally happens when someone is
attracted to you and yet this person
isn't doing it. It's not what you're
familiar with. So, it causes confusion
and it is especially destabilizing.
While the narcissist previously did show
sexual interest,
most people understand that first there
is attraction, then there is sexual
desire, affection, intimacy, and sex.
But the narcissist may often fall short
of being affectionate.
And it may make you think that they have
lost interest or that they have found
someone else or it's because of
something you've done. But the real
reason is far more calculated than that.
And once you understand, you'll never
see intimacy with a narcissist in the
same way ever again.
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This is one of the most painful
experiences anyone could ever
experience.
When you are dealing with a narcissist,
intimacy becomes different. Intimacy
becomes strange to say the least. It may
have seemed good at the beginning as
though it was going somewhere, but
gradually it soon began to fizzle out
like a candle in the wind until you're
left feeling very confused because you
thought you were compatible. You thought
you were connecting. You thought
everything was good.
But then this is what it becomes.
Because there are things happening under
the surface here. And it's not that
they've lost interest in you.
In any relationship,
sometimes there's intimacy and sometimes
there isn't. But this is different
because here intimacy is withdrawn
completely and it is used as a
bargaining tool.
which is something you may not be
familiar with. It's something you may
not have experienced before, which is
why it's so confusing
because initially they love bombed you.
They put you on a pedestal because they
were interested in securing you. So
there may be intimacy at the beginning,
but once they have you, they're no
longer interested in creating a powerful
emotional bond.
Because now that they see that they have
you, they're more focused on using you
to meet their needs, which may sound
weird and crazy. Because if you're a
healthy person both mentally and
physically, you naturally crave and
desire intimacy. And you may want to be
with your partner every day. So
intimacy, connection, and attraction
grows over time, but not in these
dynamics
because this is not healthy.
So sex is used to gain an advantage. It
is not used to bond with you. And even
if sex does happen, it's very robotic
and mechanical.
So you don't even feel like you're
connected to them because this kind of
intimacy has nothing to do with
connection. It's not about depth. It's
about control. They withdraw affection
and they ignore you to influence your
emotional stability because you're going
to be questioning what is wrong with
you. You're going to internalize it.
You're going to think that you're the
problem. You're going to think that you
have to change. You have to work harder.
And then you might second guess
yourself. You might worry about if
they're with someone else. So you're
scrambling around trying to make things
work. And just think about how much
energy and effort you're putting out.
You're giving in doing so much for them.
And they love that.
You see, they don't stop having sex with
you because they want less of you or
because you're not good enough.
They do it because they want more of
you. Because they don't want you to stop
giving them your energy and attention.
It's because they're insatiable. They
can't be satisfied.
So, they get you to work harder
while they work less.
And that is how this relationship is
maintained. You're going above and
beyond.
and they're withdrawing
like you're scrambling for their
attention.
And this can be very damaging to a
person's self-esteem because they're
rejecting you as a person. They're
rejecting your sexuality, your identity,
because they're always going to have
excuses. They're going to go to bed at
different times to avoid connecting with
you or spending time with you. And they
may even start criticizing your
appearance or making you feel like
you're needy.
So, it can make you question everything
about yourself. It can make you feel
like all of these things are wrong with
you. But there isn't anything wrong with
you. Sex isn't something to be
criticized or ashamed of or something to
feel bad about. It's just a natural part
of being a human. It's normal.
But this is not normal. It's not normal
for someone to use intimacy as control.
And it may make you wonder if they have
sexual needs. They do have sexual needs,
but they are not like ours.
Their sexual needs are twisted and
distorted. And this is evident in how
they connect
in the way that they are towards you.
They don't bond to people in healthy
ways
because they lack empathy. They can't
feel what you feel. They can't share
your experience. So, the act of intimacy
may disgust them. It may be something
they consider to be offensive, something
they want to turn away from.
And that is why they may often appear
cold and unfriendly. Even though at
times it may seem like they're enjoying
it,
deep down they do find it quite
offensive
because many narcissists may have
experienced sexual abuse.
They may have been inappropriately
touched
or they may have experienced emotional
incest in family settings. So this is
another thing that can make them pull
away because of past negative or
traumatic sexual experiences. Just like
if you went to a restaurant
and you found a fly in your food,
you might never want to go to that
restaurant again.
The thought of it might disgust you.
But with sexual experiences and
childhood trauma, it's more deeply
ingrained
and it has a far greater influence and
effect on them. And who knows how their
parent treated them or what they were
exposed to as a child.
It could be very complex.
They may have been exposed to indecent
material, indecent touching or emotional
exploitation.
This can cause a person to develop very
strange or maladaptive ideas around sex
or around connecting to another person
because it has been offered in a way
that is strange. They have seen it as
something that has become very gods.
So they can't understand it.
Their body doesn't feel the pleasure of
intimacy
in contrast to someone who is healthy or
someone who hasn't gone through these
experiences.
And while it may be very sad,
it is something that can't be changed.
They're never going to be the person
that you might want them to be. And they
will always fail to satisfy you sexually
because their sexual and emotional
boundaries have been crossed. And that
is why they are like this.
So now when you want to connect to them,
there are blockages in how they think
they're supposed to act or how this is
supposed to go or who they even are in
this.
So this is really deep and dark stuff.
And then there's also this polarization
whether it's either black or white.
There's no gray and it's just this fixed
sense of certainty like their mind is
already made up or they know everything
they need to know. That's why they can't
change.
It's why they can't see this differently
because this is about connection. This
is about empathy. It's about
understanding yourself.
But if you're someone who has huge
defense mechanisms, it's going to be
very hard to connect to yourself and
they are very defensive.
They are always 10 steps ahead of
everything, anticipating things to the
point where when it actually comes down
to being present in the moment, being
vulnerable and connecting to you, they
just can't do it.
And instead, all they can think about is
control.
which is very sad, but this is just how
it is.
And yet you may see them going off with
other people and you may think that
maybe it was just you who was the
problem, but this is actually only
because they realized the connection can
only go so deep with you. And they may
assume that it may be different with
someone else when the truth is that they
can only manage surface level
connections. They can only manage it to
a certain point and that is the problem.
But for you eventually you may meet
someone else and it will be confirmation
positive sexual experiences
where you really feel like you're
connected with someone
without constant criticism withdrawal
control and instead just being present
in the moment.
But it's never going to be like that
with them. They can seek external
validation but only to a certain level.
only to a level that seems safe and then
they go because they can't handle depth.
They can't handle that level of
intimacy. It's far too overwhelming for
them, which is why they're more focused
on distracting themselves on surface
level issues.
And yet, we often wonder why they're so
irritable, why it seems like they're
always out to get us. And it's because
sex isn't just a [music] physical act.
It represents acceptance, safety,
connection, feeling chosen.
So, it's no wonder they withdraw
intimacy or use it to manipulate this.
But that is not something that you have
to internalize.
It is not something that is happening to
you. It's something they're going
through and it's very painful.
If you would like to go deeper
to truly understand this,
I do offer one-on-one consultations
which you can book by going to
narcivor.co.uk.
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