Video summary
In this discussion, Matthew Hussey addresses the pervasive issue of women developing a negative perception of men due to their experiences with online dating platforms. He notes that while approximately 40% to 60% of relationships now begin online, there is often a misalignment between what many users seek; specifically, he argues that a significant number of men on these apps are looking solely for hookups rather than serious relationships. This disparity skews women's views, leading them to believe that decent men do not exist because they encounter bad behavior from individuals who feel unrestrained by social repercussions behind screens. Hussey suggests this is often an ignorance issue where many men fail to understand the impact of their actions on others, and he emphasizes that while some may be struggling with dating online, it is crucial for them to demonstrate value and virtue through decisive action rather than playing games or waiting indefinitely for a partner to make the first move. To effectively navigate these platforms and present themselves as serious prospects, Hussey advises men to exhibit decisiveness by suggesting progression early on, such as moving from texting to phone calls or meeting up quickly for coffee. He recommends specific date ideas that avoid awkward face-to-face staring matches at restaurant tables; instead, he favors activities like walking together or sitting at a bar where participants can engage with the environment and each other naturally without having their entire bodies oriented toward one another immediately. This approach allows attraction to build organically as people become aware of each other from different angles before turning inward to focus on conversation. Furthermore, Hussey stresses safety concerns for women by advising men never to suggest walking in dark alleyways or taking dates that carry high stakes, suggesting instead short, low-pressure meetings like a 30-minute coffee walk which lowers the activation energy required and makes it easier for both parties to exit if they are not connecting well. When crafting online dating profiles, Hussey champions the principle of "showing" rather than "telling," arguing that explicitly stating traits like being funny or listing desired qualities in a partner creates a generic impression. He illustrates this with an example of a woman who answered a prompt about her biggest disappointment by mentioning she wanted children to experience walking around Blockbuster Video, which elegantly conveyed both nostalgia and family intentions without needing defensive disclaimers against casual hookups. Hussey points out that listing frustrations or explicitly stating "no casual" often signals past trauma rather than current boundaries, whereas playful communication can successfully convey serious intent; he highlights a story of a single mother who flirtatiously complimented a man's chin dimple while comparing it to her daughter's cheek dimples, thereby communicating her status as a mom in a charming way that avoided framing herself with "baggage." The conversation also touches on how dating profiles serve as a window into one's current mindset and ability to take oneself lightly. Hussey recounts his past experience running courses where he sent women out for practice dates, noting the stark difference between those who viewed being single parents as heavy burdens versus those like the mother mentioned earlier who integrated that part of their identity playfully into their interactions. He concludes by emphasizing that these platforms are excellent tools for revealing how lightly individuals can take themselves and handle personal history without making it a barrier to connection. Ultimately, the goal is to foster an environment where genuine rapport builds naturally through shared experiences in safe settings, allowing potential partners to turn inward toward each other once comfort has been established, rather than starting with forced direct confrontation that hinders natural attraction dynamics.
Read the full video transcript
I really don't know what's going on but
one of the things that we've spoken
about so much has been online dating
somewhere around between 40 and 60% of
relationships now begin
online what are you hearing from women
about their experiences with online
dating and messaging and guys demeanor
and what they're getting right and wrong
well I think that you
could you you could caricature things a
little and say that
there's an enormous number of guys who
go to dating apps for
sex and that it's less likely that on
mass and it depends on age group
obviously um but at an age where people
tend to start looking for relationships
and women start to really seriously
think about well I do actually really
want a relationship I'm not saying men
don't get to the same point
but I believe that there's more guys who
are on dating apps just going I'm just
here because I want to hook up
and that that I think results in a lot
of just people are just completely
misaligned when they're talking in those
places there's a lot of guys there's a
lot of bad behavior from guys who are
hiding behind the screen we know that
and that's because they're able to do
things that wouldn't they would never
dare do out there in the world how's
that affecting women how's that
affecting their Behavior the view of men
in relationship I think it skews their
perception of what guys are actually
like because they're getting they're
getting that from a a proport a decent
proportion of guys and it's making them
think well there are no there are no
decent guys like this is this is just
horrendous but there are decent guys and
they may be they may those guys
unfortunately May some of them at least
will feel completely overlooked in those
places but there's an awful lot of women
I think that Come Away with a really
tarnished view of what men are like and
I also think like some for some guys I
mean maybe for all but what they do in
that environment when they feel like no
one is there's no
repercussions I feel like that's
indicative of how they actually feel
about women or how they you know what
that's indicative of their deeper
relationship with women because all or
an ignorance it could just be an
ignorance too they're not educated
they've never been taught this is this
is what it's like to be on the receiving
end of this like this is what that
experience actually is I don't think
most men actually have any bearing on
that when they're doing it and it's not
all men but the men that do it I think
they're they're not connected to the
effects of that okay so step into the
guys who are struggl strugling with
dating online what should they be doing
if they want to be effective at
convincing a girl that they are in this
for the right reasons that they are a
guy of value and
virtue what should they be doing when
they're texting making an attractive
dating profile communicating backward
and forward I mean for me I think the
ultimate thing is that there's a sense
of decisiveness when it comes to
progression you know instead of being
the guy that texts back and forth with
someone for 2
weeks and is playing chicken with like
who's going to ask who to do something
and actually meet in real
life be the person who actually advances
it I'm not saying in ways that suddenly
make us seem desperate but you know you
be the person that suggests getting on
the phone or meeting up for a quick
coffee like that that's a pretty that
shows intense
what's a good first date
idea some of the favorite
ones I like anything where you are not
sitting kind of facing each other I
don't I think roller
coaster yeah I I remember saying this at
an event and just I go I go you know a
good date is like park bench style like
anywhere where you can sort of face out
into the world and turn to each other
when you want to talk and I just heard a
voice in the crowd go
Sushi it was like the guy had just like
he connect he really got it yeah he was
like he just really connected with
that's where that's what I'm going to do
nexted sushi it really cracked me up I
but you know anything that I like if
you're going to go to a restaurant on a
date set at the
bar it's a much better thing that going
to the table is awkward sitting across
from each other and you're staring at
each other the whole time go sit at the
bar because then you can ex you can chat
with the bartender you can turn and say
something but you don't have to position
your entire body towards someone but it
what it allows to happen is a more
natural kind of you know if you look at
attraction and seduction it kind of we
start facing away from each other we
become aware of each other like a sort
of side eye oh I'm aware of you and then
eventually we turn into each other and I
think that a date can almost kind of
you've you've already got the we know
each other part unless you're just
approaching someone out there in the
world but a date where you can start
pointed at something and the more
Rapport you build and the more comfort
you build you kind of end up turning
inwards that's a pretty good date so
walking is a good date like walking
somewhere with someone I think as a guy
you have to you have to also bear in
mind that for women safety is a big
thing so being somewhere where they feel
like where they actually feel safe with
you they not walking in a dark alleyway
no no dark Alleyways have a zero dark
alleyway first date policy okay fine
cool yeah those are those are and and
also not don't be afraid to have a short
date you know if you can lower the
stakes for someone going into a date 30-
minute walk in a coffee yeah like even
even you know I have to be in this part
of town later in the day but I'm you
know I'm over here do you want to meet
up for a coffee like that just says to
someone I don't have to worry I don't
have to think about whether I want to
spend an entire evening with this person
right now the more you can lower the
stakes you only have to think of regular
social interactions if you make a new
friend it's you kind of want to build up
to things because it's hard to hang out
with a new friend it it takes effort and
it's not you're kind of you know you
don't have that Comfort where you're
just like let's just hang out on the
sofa for a few hours and just chill like
that but if you say you know let's let's
grab a coffee let's grab a juice
whatever it's and that there's an out
you're more likely to have half an hour
with a new friend and that half hour can
be the making of a new friendship but
you got to get you know as as Sean AA
would put it in the Happiness Advantage
you have to lower the activation energy
required and that can apply for dating
too what have you seen with regards to
online dating
profiles good ones bad ones oh man I'm
so not close to dating profiles but for
me show don't tell is an important role
in dating profiles you know that
whenever we say we're something we're
tell if I say I'm like I'm
funny I'm not showing you I'm F I'm not
saying anything that's funny I'm just
telling you I'm funny or or when we're
just saying what we like listing things
we want in a person like I want someone
who's funny that's it's it's it becomes
vanilla very quickly CU sort of isn't
everybody I think that real estate is
space to actually show something about
your personality or who the the way that
you think there was a great dating
profile that I once came
across and this woman said it the prompt
was something like what's
your biggest
disappointment and she said that my
future kids will never get the
experience of walking around Blockbuster
Video and choosing a movie for the night
I always thought that was such a great
thing to say
because that firstly she was showing
like that was endearing it was like a it
showed a nice part of her
personality she also managed to say that
she wanted kids in a completely relaxed
way not don't message me if you don't
want to be serious like no casual you
know when people put like no casual
hookups it's like you don't need to say
that you you can just somewhat that
intention of yours will announce itself
as you start to talk to someone if they
behave badly you don't need to say it
upfront you you don't want an Axe
Murderer either but you're not saying
that why are you not saying that because
you've been burned in the past by
someone who just wanted a casual hookup
with you so now all you're putting in
someone's mind is that you've you're
frustrated by the amount of casual
hookups that you've had to have in the
past because you wanted more and they
didn't like that's not that's not what
you want to put in someone's mind is the
things you're frustrated with in
dating so what she did was she she just
very elegantly said yeah I want a family
my kids are in my
future but I don't read that and go
it because there's no Edge to it it's
the same I had a a course years ago and
there were back years ago when I started
I actually used to send people out for
the night women out for the night and
have them practice things I don't do
that anymore there's too many people in
if there's 2,000 people in an event we
can't send have them Army going down the
street yeah yeah yeah but back when it
was small groups we actually like
encouraged people go out for the the
evening and try this
stuff and it was really interesting
there were two single moms who came in
the next day and one of them said how do
I communicate to someone that I am a
single mom it was a lot of like it felt
heavy to her she saw it as
baggage there was another story where a
woman stood up and she goes so I was
talking to this guy
and I I liked him so I was started
initially like I immediately started
flirting with him and the first thing I
said when I spoke to him was your chin
dimple is really adorable it's not quite
as adorable as my daughter's cheek
dimples but it's pretty
adorable she had managed in the first
line to communicate that she was a mom
and have it be
flirtatious whereas someone else in the
room was going how do I communicate that
I'm a single mother like she had like
Darth Vader waiting at home when a guy
was going to come over that to me is
fascinating and I think dating profiles
are a great place they're a great kind
of revealer of what's our current
mindset how playful are we how lightly
can we take ourselves how lightly can we
take our own baggage like these are a
lot can be communicated in a few words
that way we'll get back to talking to
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