Why Pulling Away From Men Attracts Deeper Love

This self-love practice helps you find love faster. We're going to dive into this conversation that's a conversation about desentering men. If you haven't heard about it, it's been out for a bit of a bit of time. Um, you familiar with desentering men? >> Not until our recent conversations around it. >> What do you know about it? >> Um, the little I know is kind of what I've practiced, which I believe is not to make the man the center of your life. Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. Center yourself as your life, you know, hence why it's a self-love practice. And I'm going to actually read from my notes of what I wrote about desentering men. >> Deentering men means shifting your focus away from seeking male validation, approval, or attention as a source of identity, worth, or direction. It's choosing to center your own values, needs, and emotional well-being. So any relationship becomes an addition to your life, not the foundation of it. And we're going to give you some seven ways to actually it's a self-love practice to center yourself. So where was this birthed um desentering? >> Well, you know, we've been watching um well you I was watching with my kid. kind of came along for the ride. But um Bridgetton season 4 and and uh you sat down and it probably more from a curiosity standpoint than anything >> of the whole life in Victorian times or >> whatever that was early 1800s. But um >> the idea of which was all of society or at least high society their big uh end goal was to be married. >> Yeah. Yeah. And uh the whole uh you know scenarios that are posed are all about you know finding love and getting the guy. >> Getting the guy. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> So um I think it's an interesting foray to look at the difference between what was and what is. >> Yeah. So I put together some examples of coming back to where this was birthed like why this happened this need to desenter from men because throughout history I mean to some degree men have been the leaders men have been believe me men have been the problems in our society on a lot of different ways. So from that vantage point let's lean into this conversation. So the first one is marriage as survival. A woman's financial security depends depended on her husband and she was taught to choose wisely, keep him happy and avoid conflict. >> Yeah. >> So to some degree coming back to women being conditioned like that was the prevailing narrative for hundreds if not thousands of years, right? It's all about, you know, landing the guy for financial security. >> Yeah. >> And and it's literally the definition of patriarchy, like what you know, >> being part of the >> the uh the male the men's club and you know, those type of things. We didn't have that option. >> So, you know, and why this is so important is literally the shift began in the 50s and 60s when women went to the workforce more so than they did before. and now reached a level of independence where women are not dependent upon men >> for the most part. Yeah. I mean some still need to be or would like to be. >> Yes. That and certainly we're in midlife so it's a little bit different dynamic and I always say midlife is after baby making years and before retirement. So from this vantage point, most of the women I met, you know, single and dating after my divorce were women who were able to take care of, as you always put it, their own red wagon kind of thing. >> Carry your own little red wagon. >> And and honestly, on some level, you know, as a man, I'm very grateful for that because it doesn't put the 100% responsibility on me. Uh particularly after going through uh a crash and that sort of thing. Someone said, "I disagree. Bridgetton on the surface looks like it's about getting the man. However, it turns on its head and the reality is about getting the woman who turns on you." Yes. >> Um, interesting. And and by the way, I was the one I watched Bridgetgerton last night and I was like, "God, this is so focused on the balls and getting, you know, the women, you know, parading themselves around the men." So, um, >> so I just wanted to put that out there. So the second example is the notion I think women were instilled with the belief of good girls are agreeable. >> Yeah. >> And what I wrote down women were rewarded for being polite, accommodating and easygoing while assertiveness and strong needs were labeled difficult. >> You know um you know women who are strong are intimidating, they're difficult, they're high maintenance and that sort of thing. Yeah. So to some degree again this comes back to the conditioning of why this happened why the movement I think it's called the desentering men movement was birthed because on some level this conditioning is so innate right from a cultural perspective. >> Yeah. >> What are your thoughts on that? >> I you know I think the the point that is being made here is that we're in very different times. >> Okay. And uh when I look at my friends and people I know and then I look back at the generation of our parents and our grandparents it was it was you know it's been different for every 40 and 50 years you know preceding >> and you know I think the movement has been fast but I think the real key here is that men are still stuck in that protective mode or at least that's what protective you know that that's what we're we're we're still hoping for. >> Okay. >> And in a lot of ways, I think it's changed in that women have become independent, careerminded, things like that. >> And so, where do the where do the two things meet so that we can adjust to our our times today? >> Okay, that's a good point. And to some degree, all a man had to do in relationship is well, my job is to provide and protect. You take care of the cooking, the cleaning, taking care of the kids. And for us in midlife, it's a little bit more of emotional support and things like that, but that's their only there's no emotional responsibility in the relationship if it's centered around provide, protect. The other notion is that women tied their worth to being chosen. >> Oh yes. >> You know, the fairy tales, the movies, the media, and that sort of thing. When a woman wins when a man picks them has been the narrative for so long. And you know, it fascinates me because I want to share some I'm going off script for a second. I want to share something. You know, it's interesting how as a dating coach, one of the top questions I get from women is like, where's this relationship going? As if the man decides her fate. >> Like the man like, by the way, ladies, let me just say something. You know, if you want a man to lead your relationship, you're giving the job to the wrong person. >> Well, and that goes back to, you know, even Victorian times. They were the provider and protector, and they didn't have to have the emotional responses and the vulnerability and the availability emotionally to be able to >> connect in that way. >> They they had to be the provider protectors, but now it's like we don't necessarily as women need provider protectors. >> There's no doubt. And and this kind of begs going into intimacy. You know, oftentimes intimacy was just sex, right? >> It it wasn't about the emotional connection between two people. And I think in today's environment, >> regulating our emotions, understanding our emotions, being able to express ourselves is kind of the foundational piece of a relationship. >> Definitely. >> And men have been getting away with just being stoic and saying, "I'm not going to share anything. I'm doing the providing protection. >> I think the reality is they've always sucked at it. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. [laughter] No doubt. >> And now they're getting called out on the table because we're looking for it. We didn't have to look for it before. >> Yeah. So, coming back to emotional, the next one was emotional, physical labor was always a woman's responsibility. Women were expected to manage the relationship, regulate emotions, soothe conflict, offer uh often at her own expense. And also there was the physical labor, the cooking, the cleaning, the taking care of the kids and everything. That was throughout history that's always been the woman's job, >> right? But it's not anymore. I mean, that is very very clear to all of us. Sassy ladies talking about >> uh it's funny to hear the term that it's a movement desentering men. I agree with you. I've never >> it it hasn't been my mo either. And yet I think that there are little pieces of that that's this that still have entered my life. For example, you and I were talking about the being chosen part. Yeah. >> You know, I consider myself I I mean I've always been the one that has >> felt like I, you know, I was poking holes. I was doing the choosing, that type of thing. But all of a sudden when something happened where the roles were a little bit reversed or something where I thought I was being chosen but >> but then you know he would say something or do something and I'd be like wait a minute that >> that wasn't really you weren't really choosing me on that you know and my hackles went up and I was like oh I'm not being chosen wait a minute and I would sort of grab for him a little bit more >> in that way. So there is >> well I think part of it is there's the need to [clears throat] feel safe in a relationship. >> Yes. >> And when you don't feel chosen there's this abandonment potential going on. And so and I I think we're more hyper aware now more than ever before. And I think that's part of what's going on is the the need for a stronger emotional connection is that the security that once used to be kind of standard like my my parents when they got married divorce was not an option. They were together 66 years. Now >> you didn't meet my mother by the way. >> Okay. [laughter] Married 10 times. No, I'm just kidding. Uh no. Um Oh, okay. So, but you know, there's this idea that it's always been coming back to the emotional labor, the physical labor of the relationship outside of providing, protecting has always been a woman's responsibility. And and by the way, I'm not it's not it's a mutual, it's a shared experience, and it's not one-sided. Okay, let's keep going. Okay. >> Beauty as currency. >> Let's say more. Uh, from pinup culture to modern social media, attractiveness became a primary tool to gain and keep male attention. >> Well, that's still I mean, in a lot of ways, we are we are there in spades when when we're swiping on the dating apps, we're first looking at pictures. >> Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think where it's going is there's such a push for woman's beauty as not just to gain a man, to keep a man. It's all I mean, look at Cosmopolitan magazine, social media, all the different things centered around to some degree a woman's worth is based on her beauty. Wasn't in the past about her ability to develop resources, right? So, I'm just saying that there's so much conditioning. I mean, to some degree, you know, wear wearing makeup, you know. >> I mean, you know, >> lipstick is designed to plump the lips so you can get the guy's attention. >> Yeah. I know. I mean, these days I would say women wear makeup because it makes them feel good. They're not I mean, yes, you know, they want a guy to go, "Yeah, you look awesome, >> but that's not necessarily why they're doing it." >> But I I I think it's coming back to the idea of conditioning. It's just been such an ingrained conditioning. Let's keep going with the rest. >> Yeah. And and to to your credit, you know what I'm also saying around the being chosen part, I I've never thought of I needed to desenter men because I've always been fairly sovereign. >> Yeah. >> And yet when I thought I wasn't being chosen, I immediately went into an emotional, you know, skittish. Yeah. Right. Um and and and I think that we're all capable of of putting someone else at in our lives to have them be more important. >> Yes. In other words, Yeah. making it about their needs. Exactly. And by the way, the reason why I believe it's a movement per se in the sense it's just creating awareness around these indoctrinations centered around it's, you know, the men are the leader of the relationship. You know, it's all based on making him happy. I mean quite frankly ladies I created a channel that was centered around un women seem to me seemed obsessed with wanting to understand why men do this why men do that instead of the sovereign piece is why why am I even entertaining this relationship should be the question and again in a minute we're going to give you seven self-love practices to um to adopt in your life last last two is stand by your man has been conditioning and your your milestones are based on, you know, whether you were married, whether you had a successful marriage, that sort of thing. So, it's just suggesting that the conditioning has been around and it's the idea to like abolish that and work on your sovereignty. >> So, I said we're going to share seven things. Um, the first one is trusting your own voice over male approval. You're no longer filtering your choices through will this make more make me more desirable. You choose what feels right, what hon what honors your values even if no man is watching or approving. >> Absolutely. I think, you know, this is this is where I believe we tend to lose ourselves in relationships where um we want the man to initiate. We want the man to lead and so some women literally will go, "Okay, you do all of that and I'm just going to lay back and you know, and it's, you know, they they they couch it, so to speak, under he's in his masculine. I'm being in my feminine and those types of scenarios. But I think that it's >> it can be insidious towards >> not being not choosing yourself first, not Yes. >> making the decisions that actually have you be aligned in the choices. >> Yeah. And you're also from a dating perspective, you know, >> by the way, dating is a process of getting to know another human being. It's a vetting process. And we've adopted at least in, you know, for quite a few decades, it's about attraction and romance and entertainment and physical connection. And it's not about whether or not this person genuinely has character. More importantly, is that character going to last throughout the relationship when you're allowing the man to be in charge of the relationship? You know, I've heard women like I've heard story after story where the man was in charge of the money and he blew it all, you know, in a marriage or something like that or he made such bad choices. Why would you want to give your sovereignty, your power to another human being? >> Yeah. No, >> you know, just because it feel look at I listen, I get how so many women would wish men plan and pay for dates. I get that piece. Again, I'm a big proponent of it's a taking turns process >> partly because you don't want like I think when you give it all to that person and you're giving your power to that person, you could be setting yourself up for fail, you know, problems later on down the road. >> Yeah. >> So, okay, number two, no longer overinvesting early. You don't [clears throat] give access, attention, emotional depth before it's earned. You let connection build instead of trying to accelerate it. I mean, you and I have talked about bringing our representatives to the first second date. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> And it's and and this is what you and I did differently, which is really coming from a place of like curiosity, getting to know the person and and really digging into that before making decisions that are like, "Oh, this could be my guy." >> Yeah. >> Before ever even thinking, "Oh, this could be my guy." >> Well, and and also before trust was ever built. >> Yeah. like you know thinking this could be my guy. What's interesting is because we centered our early stages of getting to know each other from a friendship vantage point. Yeah. that what ended up happening was through that mutual like through that mutual shared you know getting an understanding of your values my values are you know whether or not our lifestyles are compatible and our emotional maturity >> that once the chemistry was ignited it got you know was able to take off yeah we're so hyperfocused at least I've witnessed this and I think there's a big shift happening that chemistry doesn't equal relationship success it's time to slow down the physical part and really build on the emotional part. >> Yeah. >> But here's the problem. Men are not good at the emotional side, >> right? >> You know, we we've been stifled since a very young age at being emotional communicators, being be able to identify our feelings. So, to some degree, >> I think that's changing though. >> I I look at our sons. I think it's changing. >> Yeah. And certainly now men are seeking therapy, you know, for that inner eight-year-old that we saw earlier. Um, but I'm bringing this up is because part of the desentering is also about women's empowerment to, you know, the topic I said self-love. And by the way, my book is called What the Heck is Self-Love? Anyway, uh you can get a copy of the book listed below. It's about really developing that relationship within yourself. >> Yeah. >> Okay. Let's go through the other uh four really quickly. Your mood isn't dedicated by his behavior. A delayed text doesn't derail your peace. You stay emotionally regulated instead of reacting to inconsistency. >> Yeah. >> You know, that seems to today, you know, >> you know, inconsistency uh it it is it it harbors the threat of abandonment. inconsistency, >> insensitivity, lack of emotion, lack of um sharing how they feel, all of those things that at one time perhaps culture said was okay. Yeah. >> As long as you're providing, but now they're not necessarily doing that. We're on equal foot footing. And we want the equal status of them being open and emotionally vulnerable and and emotionally available. And I think the reality of it is that our mood gets dictated by their lack thereof. >> Oh, that's a good obstac if we should be feeling safe. >> Yeah. >> All of those things. >> That's such a I didn't even think of that in that that line item. Yeah. is that so much inconsistency and lack of emotion from a man affects your mood basically because you're not feeling safe in this dynamic. So, okay, let's go through the other three real quickly. Keeping your life intact when you meet someone. You don't drop your routines, friendships, or priorities just because you like them. Your life remains the main event, not the side story. >> Yes. Um, we talked about this when you and I met is that we had reached a point in our life where we were happy where our life was at and we weren't you didn't abandon your painting, you know, because I mean, yeah, we make accommodations like, hey, do you want to go out at this time? And you might have had something else planned. Yeah. >> But there's a big difference between abandoning yourself and your life for somebody versus it being a mutual exchange. >> Absolutely. >> Yeah. I think, you know, I think the we've talked about my my terminology around this that they have to be sweeter than my solitude. Yeah. Yeah. And what that really meant to me was that I was it wasn't only that I was focused on the man being sweeter than my solitude, but that my solitude was already sweet. >> Yeah. >> And what that means is that I I was at the center of myself. I was at I was balanced and centered and felt sovereign. >> Yeah. Um, and and in that sovereignty, I was knowing I had a knowing that I I was in the right place always. And if the man came along, >> and I shouldn't say if, I was kind of looking at it when the man came along, >> um, it it was going to be a beautiful thing. But in the meantime, I wasn't going to give up or lower those standards >> of where my sovereignty >> lines were. And I sadly as a coach, I've witnessed a lot of women believe that their happiness arrives when a man arrives. Like, where's my guy? Where's my guy? Where's my guy? Where's my guy? Like, literally, I've had >> I've had clients say that repetitively. And I'm like, >> look, the most important relationship you're ever going to have is the relationship you have with yourself. Yeah. >> You know. Okay. Number five, observing instead of managing. You stop trying to fix guide a man into being what you want. You watch, you listen, and you believe his actions. >> Um, >> what is it Oprah says? >> What she say? >> She says something like, you know, they may tell you who they are, but um, they will indeed show you, >> reveal who they are. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, we can go on and on on these two. I'm going to wrap up this up and we'll take questions in a second. Um, dating from deser dis discernment, >> not desire alone. >> Attraction matters, but it's not the driving anymore. You're actively assessing alignment, values, lifestyle, and emotional maturity. What I've been saying for years. >> Yeah. You know, I I I gather a word in the beginning of every year, as many people do, and it's been alignment for a very long time. >> Yeah. And I think alignment is we've been saying it from the standpoint of being aligned with another person. >> Yeah. >> And at one point I chose the word, but I chose it specifically toward me feeling aligned within myself in terms of the the self-love, in terms of um discernment, in terms of setting up boundaries. And I think if if more people came from that level of alignment that they are aligned in themselves and in their own >> sovereignty. >> Yeah. Well, values >> values and boundaries and non-negotiables and standards and things like that >> that um really strong in them where they aren't wavered when a man maybe isn't answering the calls, maybe isn't saying where the relationship is going, maybe isn't like >> do you make a stand for yourself? >> Yeah. you stand up and you go, >> you know, something occurs to me and I want to share the next one, the number seven one in a second. >> You know, this conversation is still all about men, >> you know, like it's it's well, but >> to some degree, I mean, we're talking about what men don't do, right? >> Right. >> You know, and and to some degree, we're even giving attention to it is a is a centering of the men. Again, the purpose of this video is really to invite your own empowerment, your sovereignty, your self-love, and we're using men as the backdrop or relationship as the backdrop. Go ahead. >> While still >> allowing in >> a relationship that works, that's in alignment with you. >> Yeah. Not giving up on men, not abandoning the idea of having a relationship. And the last one, self-love piece is to let go of the need to be chosen. >> Um, you're not performing, proving, or hoping to win someone over. You've shifted into, does this person meet my standards for a healthy, happy relationship? That should be the standard. Does he meet my standards >> continuously? >> Yeah. >> Because I think when we get chosen, we're like, "Oh, this one's going to work." and we go on a few dates and we get, you know, we get to know them a little bit more and we go, "Oh, this one's kind of working." And as it goes a little further, you know, oh, it's not only it's working, but there could be a future here. And we forget like way back in the beginning, we were like, you know, they were talking a lot. >> Yeah. >> Like maybe they talk too much. [laughter] >> Okay. >> You know, and you forgot that maybe you didn't really want to choose them. >> Good point. So what's And by the way, think about chosen. You know, men have used romance as their entry point into the physical connection of a relationship. Yeah. And as soon as they've had the physical connection, what happens to romance? >> Oh, yeah. That's >> it kind of goes out the window. So, again, we chose you. Like in a man's mind, we've chosen you once, that's all we need to do. And you were just talking about choosing on a regular basis. >> Yes. >> Um, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this conversation. The self-love practice helps you find love faster by desentering men. Um, post a comment below. We'd like to hear all your thoughts. As always, if you find value in these videos, please hit the like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to the channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. 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