Why Men Feel Like They Can't Afford To Be Honest (Lessons From 2024)

Duration: 7:21 1288 transcript words EN summary

Video summary

The podcast explores a complex social dynamic where men often feel compelled to accumulate sufficient status, resources, or physical prowess—termed here as "man points"—before they are socially permitted to express vulnerability with credibility. Drawing on an example of Chris Bumstead, the six-time champion bodybuilder who can openly discuss fear and insecurity due to his elite standing in a masculine pursuit, the speaker argues that emotions are viewed through a lens of prestige rather than poverty. This creates a vicious cycle where men lacking these traditional markers of success face the most derogation when they attempt to show sympathy or emotion, as their weakness is perceived not as relatable but as feeble because it lacks the choice to be strong. Consequently, there remains a significant stigma around male emotional expression unless it originates from a position of power and achievement. A critical insight regarding advice given to men highlights the paradoxical nature of warnings about bad behavior. The speaker notes that blanket admonitions like "don't be pushy" often fail because they are ignored by those who need them most while being heeded only by individuals already inclined toward assertiveness but not aggressive. This perspective is supported by research from David Bus, specifically his book *Bad Men Behaving Badly*, which suggests that harmful behaviors in society stem largely from a small number of men committing many terrible acts rather than the majority engaging in minor infractions. Therefore, broad advice tends to reinforce existing biases among those who are already compliant while failing to reach the specific individuals whose behavior requires correction, effectively silencing feedback for the very people it is needed most. The discussion then shifts to marriage and divorce, emphasizing that good times are poor predictors of relationship longevity compared to how couples handle adversity. The speaker references an episode with Visa regarding why relationships dissolve despite initial strong connections, arguing that handling conflicts, misunderstandings, and disagreements during "bad times" is the true determinant of success. While peak experiences like theme park visits may seem exciting, they do not sustain a union; instead, it is the inability to regulate emotions or manage perturbations—such as running away from conflict, holding grudges, or engaging in passive-aggressive communication—that leads to existential threats for relationships. The focus should therefore be on avoiding catastrophe through proper emotional regulation rather than merely expediting success through shared highs. Finally, the episode reflects on the universal difficulty of major life decisions by examining Charles Darwin's personal struggle with whether to marry and have children. Despite his expertise in evolution and mating systems, Darwin found himself torn between two lists: one outlining benefits like having a constant companion for old age or someone to care for household charms, and another detailing significant drawbacks such as the infringement on work time, loss of freedom to choose society, anxiety over raising children, and financial strain. The speaker uses this historical example from Russ Roberts' coverage of Darwin's list to illustrate that even experts in human behavior face profound uncertainty regarding life choices like marriage. Ultimately, the podcast concludes that if these monumental decisions are difficult for evolutionary biologists, it is entirely reasonable for ordinary individuals to find their own paths and challenges equally tough without needing a definitive answer.

Read the full video transcript

vulnerability coming from a place of strength as opposed to from a place of weakness um I talked about this at the live show and I I think people really love this men need to accumulate sufficient man points before they can open up about their feelings basically feels like men have to earn the right to talk about their emotions Chris Bumstead as an example can talk about crying and fear and insecurities but only because he's the greatest bodybuilder of his hero and the six-time champion only men who have achieved some degree of success in typical masculine Pursuits like status resources attractiveness muscularity and strength can open up about emotions with credibility once they've accumulated sufficient man points some unspoken video game level unlock happens where emotions are allowed but opening up before having the requisite man points is interpreted as feeble and weak I think the world still has many icks around men showing their emotions but far fewer if it comes from a place of prestige than one of poverty and it's a vicious sort of scenario for men to be in because the very men who probably could do with the most sympathy um perhaps the ones who have got the lowest number of manp points and um they're the ones that are going to be derogated the most by women and also maybe even not raised up that much by men so yeah that's I think I'm right on this and you know maybe it is just the case that uh somebody who can't choose to do anything else doesn't really get as much Prestige for uh doing the only thing they can like weakness when you can't be strong is nowhere near as uh interesting or seductive as weakness when you have the choice to be strong but yeah there was another interesting Insight that I learned about the The Duality of warning men about bad behavior the problem with giving men advice like don't be pushy is that the men who really need to hear it won't listen and the men who' benefit from being more assertive will take it straight to Heart uh this you know was backed up by David bus's Buck bad men Men Behaving Badly in the US and um that despite the fact that [ __ ] like hash kill all men or hasht like not all men but it's always a man which basically like is the same as all men it is all men uh the problem with having any blanket coverage uh broad group push like that is that at least when it comes to these kinds of behaviors from men it seems like it's one man doing a thousand horrible things not a thousand men doing one horrible thing and this seems to be born out in the data at least based on bus's research uh but giving men advice across the board men giving all men advice like don't be pushy uh the the guys that are most likely to not be pushy are precise the ones that are going to listen the most and the ones that already think that they're fine or are disregarding any negative feedback from the people that they're doing it to they're just going to plow straight on um and then I guess another interesting Insight that I learned uh about divorce and and marriage uh this episode I did with Visa about a month and a half ago he's got two [ __ ] outstanding articles one of them said why do so many people divorce someone they thought was their favorite person it's not really a mystery it's mostly because good times are a poor predictor of how you'll handle bad times and handling bad times is much more important to the success of a marriage but as a species as a culture we have not truly internalized this it's the lows not the highs that make or break a relationship a painful lesson of the past 20 years of relationships in the medium run it's exciting to feel hype about people who seem to relate strongly in specific ways but in the long run it's really how you handle Miss understandings conflict confusion disagreement that Go the Distance I think that's so right as well that you know you see couples together and oh my God how did they ever break up they were so great can you not remember when we went to the theme park and they're having all this thing it's like yeah they cannot regulate at all as soon as some perturb happens soon as some disagreement occurs they're at each other's throat one of them runs away one of them can't stop bringing it up one of them holds grudges one of them can't communicate without being passive aggressive one is unable to talk about their emotions like that's an existential threat to a relationship and um it changes I think where relationships should apply their focus it shouldn't be on increasing Peak experiences although that's fun and obviously way more sexy uh I think it should be on how do we avoid catastrophe as opposed to expedite success because sure maybe a a long-term marriage or relationship over time might break up because there are insufficient Peak moments but it's way more likely to break up because there are too many very low moments that you haven't been able to regulate properly so I just think that's a [ __ ] like a gorgeous gorgeous insight and um I was reminded when thinking about this Charles Darwin you know uh somebody who you might have thought given all of his research on animals would have had a a very clear idea about whether or not he wanted to get married and the world of mating and dating but he was unsure about whether he should get married so he made a list and Russ Roberts covered this list so this is just so good this document has two columns one labeled marry one labeled not marry and above them circled other words this is the question on the prom marriage side of the equation were children if it please God constant companion and friend in old age who will feel interested in one object to be beloved and played with after a reflection of an unknown length he modified the foregoing sentence with better than a dog anyhow he continued home and someone to take care of house charms of music and female chitchat these things good for one's Health but terrible loss of time without warning Darwin had from the pr marriage column swerved uncontrollably into a major anti-marriage factor so major that he underlined it this issue the infringement of marriage on his time especially his work time was addressed at greater length in the appropriate not marry column not marrying he wrote Would preserve freedom to go where one likes choice of society and little of it concept conversation of clever men at clubs not forced to visit relatives and bend in every trifle to have the expense and anxiety of children perhaps quarreling loss of time cannot read in the evening fatness and idleness anxiety and responsibility less money for bucks and if many children forced to gain one's bread even experts in mating and evolution struggle with big decisions and uh like if it's tough for Darwin then it's okay for it to be tough for you thank you very much for tuning in if you enjoyed that clip you will love the ful length podcast in all its Glory which is available right here go on press it