Video summary
The video explores a profound form of loneliness that many men experience not because they lack social connections, but because they have lost touch with their authentic selves. The speaker argues that from childhood through young adulthood, men are often conditioned to suppress genuine emotions like sadness or anxiety in favor of projecting a tough, confident persona to fit societal expectations. This process involves leaving behind vulnerable parts of themselves to avoid punishment or rejection, resulting in a life spent performing rather than being. Consequently, even when surrounded by friends, family, or romantic partners, men may feel isolated because others are interacting with the character they are pretending to be, rather than the real person underneath.
This disconnect creates a scenario where individuals feel like strangers in their own lives, constantly trying to impress others while hiding their true uncertainties and interests. The speaker uses the analogy of an actor playing a famous role, noting that audiences love the character but know nothing about the human being behind it; similarly, men often feel that their partners or friends are attracted to the version of them they think is expected, not the actual person. This leads to a sense of alienation where one feels out of place in social gatherings because they are merely acting, pretending to enjoy things like sports or bars when they do not genuinely care about them. The core issue identified is that this specific type of loneliness stems from a lack of self-knowledge and self-acceptance rather than a simple shortage of friends.
To combat this feeling, the speaker proposes a simple yet powerful exercise: imagine walking into a bar and seeing yourself sitting alone. Instead of judging that version of yourself as a loser or feeling shame, one should approach them with kindness and buy them a drink. This mental shift represents befriending oneself and recognizing that there is nothing wrong with admitting uncertainty, discussing deep topics like music or faith, or simply being honest about one's struggles. By stopping the comparison to idealized figures online and realizing that everyone has flaws, men can begin to drop the heavy masks they wear. The ultimate goal is to access the authentic center of the soul by letting go of the need to perform, allowing individuals to truly like who they are and find peace in their own company.
Read the full video transcript
If you walked in any bar in your town,
and you saw you at the bar,
would you buy him a beer?
Would you get him a drink?
Would you buy him some nachos?
Or would you be like, "What a loser
alone at the bar?"
Ah.
See, I'm at the point now, and it's
taken me some time,
that I would buy myself a beer, and I'd
hang out with that guy,
and we'd talk about music and guitar,
and we talk about Mozart and
Christianity, and we talk about working
out and God, and we talk about
architecture and Seinfeld, and all kinds
of [ __ ]
I just named some random things.
We talk about how awesome it feels to
really clean a bathroom.
We talk about
how uncertain our futures are,
and
we're just shh just figuring stuff out
as we go on. For me, you know, I always
like to sprinkle in my story here with
depression and anxiety. I'm very open
about this.
Um
I I honestly have no shame, although I I
wrestle with it.
Um
there's a loneliness
and a disconnect between you and other
people at times.
And it was very real for me in in
university and at work.
And it happens when I didn't know who I
was. Now, you can only get so close.
Maybe there's some authentic version
that you meet in heaven, but I hope I'm
getting close.
But when you're growing up and in your
20s, too, and even low 30s, I was
I was really trying hard to be somebody.
And what happens is as we grow up, we
decide that
who we are authentically
isn't always accepted.
Because our parents punish us for us
doing the wrong thing and can reward us
for doing the right thing.
So, if we have certain feelings of anger
and disappointment and sadness and just
frustration at the wrong times,
we can be punished for having emotions.
Right?
And what we come to realize is not
through thought because we can't
comprehend and reason these things out
until we're like 25 when our
uh prefrontal cortex is fully developed.
But we get a sense
that who I am as a kid
isn't acceptable.
Only some parts are.
So, we grow up and we tend to cultivate
certain parts of ourselves and leave
leave others in the dust.
Maybe there's a funny part. Maybe
there's
uh one a goofy part of you that you had
to leave behind.
And as men,
we need to really cultivate
this sense of
confidence, no matter how fake it feels,
sense of knowing what we're doing cuz
nobody likes a guy who's confused and is
uncertain about his future. Mhm?
We all are.
And
a toughness and rawness and an interest
in football and beer
and all of these things I pretended to
like. I never wanted to go to bars. The
only reason I drank was so I could hook
up with women and if I didn't hook up
with someone, it was the biggest waste
of drinking and a hangover of my entire
life. I never wanted to do any of that.
I never wanted to go to the Super Bowl
parties. I didn't like that. I'd rather
play sports than watch them.
So, we tend to
to try to fit into this this masculine
mold and whatever you think it is.
And hear me out here.
So we're through childhood, we're we're
cultivating and conditioned to fit into
something, something that is acceptable
and accepted.
All we're trying to do, guys, is belong
somewhere and be loved by someone.
Can I get an amen? Am I making this
simple enough?
Watch all the videos you want. It
doesn't need to get more complicated
than that.
I'm more of let's keep things simple
and in simplicity there's truth.
There's this lyric by Bruce Cockburn
pacing the cage. It goes
I never knew what you all wanted.
So I gave you everything.
And then in another verse it's
Sometimes you feel like you lived too
long.
Days drip slowly on the page.
And you catch yourself
pacing the cage.
That always hit me
cuz
we try to give people
what we think they want from us.
And as men we think we're supposed to
give certain things and hold back other
things.
Yes, express anger, good for us. Let's
watch UFC with the boys.
But tears?
Sadness? Overwhelm? Anxiety?
Feeling extremely sad and depressed? We
can't show that.
There's too much shame in that.
So you can see from
for the four walls of home and it's not
to make you uh
feel sad about it or try not to
overthink it.
If that was you, you know, for being
accept for not being accepted for maybe
who you were growing up,
uh be happy about
realizing that, but don't judge yourself
and don't beat yourself up for it.
Um
so there's this cultivation of the self
through all of these ups and downs in
life and puberty and we're thinking of
something else and then all of a sudden
we start to like women or if it's
starting to like men and
we reach this point where we're like,
"That That none of that was me."
That was me trying to figure stuff out.
Those were all stepping stones.
I'm waiting to arrive somewhere, but I
don't think I've arrived yet. Who the
hell am I?
And the reason this touches on
loneliness
is because when you're trying to be
somebody or not or when you don't know
who you are and you're you're always
pretending
and performing and I know all about
that.
Then even if somebody sees you and talks
to you, they're talking to the actor
or they're talking to the character,
sorry, and not the person behind.
Does that make sense?
I I always feel bad for actors sometimes
because
you think of like Tobey Maguire going
down the street. For us millennials,
it's like, "Oh, it's Spider-Man."
It's like, you're looking at the
character.
He's known for Spider-Man, the
character. Nobody knows about Tobey
Maguire. Maybe he collects antiques.
Maybe he loves to drive buses and rents
buses and drives them in parking lots
with the boys.
But we just see the character they play.
And so all these fans come rushing
towards these actors, right?
They don't know anything about them. So
as an actor, you're probably like, "They
don't even know me. Yet they want my
autograph and they want to talk to me
and they they they love me. They They
say they love me? They don't know me.
Think about how that can cause
loneliness for men as
we're taught and conditioned to be
someone
and then we meet a person
and they don't really see us.
They see what I'm trying to be,
what I've been conditioned to be,
what I think I
should be,
but it's not me.
So, even if we hook up and we have great
chats, we have great sex,
they didn't have sex with me. They had
sex with this guy who was
performing.
Even if you meet all these friends and
they're all doing stuff and you're
hanging around with them,
you know, I'll feel out of place
sometimes cuz I'm like, "Oh, I was
trying to I was trying to be somebody
there."
I was trying to act like I'm not even
interested in the [ __ ] but I just
pretended.
You know?
Talking about Mike Tyson, I'm like, "Oh,
yeah, great boxer. Yeah. Oh, those
knockouts, man." I'm like, "What are you
doing, Scott?
What are you What are you doing?
[laughter] You don't know shit."
So, it's like to take a step back from
the performance
and to get to know yourself.
Because it's a classic line.
Uh if you're What is it? If you're
If you hate being alone,
that means you're in bad company.
It's hilarious. If you don't like being
by yourself, that means you're not
really liking yourself and you're in bad
company.
So, this video wasn't about a lack of
friends and that kind of loneliness.
This is about befriending yourself.
If you walked in
to a Moxie's Grill,
they have those in the States? A
Moxie's, if you're in the UK or
something?
They have them in Canada. It's when they
would only hire hot women and they have
to wear the short skirts. I wonder if
they still do that.
Why did I choose that as a bar as an
example, I have no idea.
If you walked in any bar in your town
and you saw you at the bar,
would you buy him a beer?
Would you get him a drink?
Would you buy him some nachos?
Or would you be like, "What a loser
alone at the bar?"
Ah.
See, I'm at the point now, and it's
taken me some time,
that I would buy myself a beer. And I'd
hang out with that guy.
And we'd talk about music and guitar,
and we talk about Mozart and
Christianity, and we talk about working
out and God, and we talk about
architecture and Seinfeld, and all kinds
of [ __ ]
I just named some random things.
We talk about how awesome it feels to
really clean a bathroom.
We talk about
how uncertain our futures are,
and
we're just
just figuring stuff out as we go on.
And if you're smiling at that, or you
think you would do something similar,
that's because your judgmental voice is
calm now.
That that those are all cool things.
But when you start comparing and start
to put on the mask and start to try to
be somebody,
then you don't recognize the guy at the
bar alone.
He's foreign to you.
He likes Mozart? What do you mean? I
thought we have to talk about UFC.
So,
this is about men feeling lonely
because they don't know themselves.
That's not to put blame on you. That's
not to judge you.
No.
That's to sell you my course for three
easy payments of $19.99 to know
yourself.
>> [laughter]
>> Uh but seriously, there is a a guide in
the description if you want it or to
book a call with me. But guys, it's um
it's something [clears throat] that I'll
deal with
for
maybe my whole life of seasons of
loneliness.
Of course,
there's times of course I where where I
feel lonely.
And I'm in a great relationship and I
have a big family
and I have nieces and you know, I have
friends and there's still parts of me
where I'm like
I'm not fitting into this whole life
thing.
Yeah?
And and that's when
in other videos I talk about that's when
inner criticism comes in.
And those are the exact moments where we
need understanding, compassion, and care
for ourselves.
And we need that sense of inner guidance
for ourselves.
We need to be there for us.
We're waiting for other people to be
there for us. They show up, still
doesn't help. We need to be there for
us. How do I learn to buy myself a beer
at the bar.com?
You know what I mean, guys?
So,
one thing you can do
is do the exercise that I just did.
If you were to see yourself at the bar,
what would you love to talk about with
this guy?
Just knowing your interests.
No other people around.
Your buddies from high school aren't
around.
Your boss isn't around.
Your co-workers aren't around. Nobody
online is around.
No one. No family's around. Nothing.
It's just you and you.
You can talk about whatever you want.
You can do whatever you want. If you
wanted pull down your pants and piss on
the bar, piss on the bar.
No limits. No rules. What do you want to
talk about and what do you want to do
with this guy?
Cuz that's you.
It's a sim- It can be as simple as that
right now. Now, I could go into knowing
your values and meaning and, you know,
uh
hierarchy of wants and needs, blah blah
blah. But for this for this moment,
what is your interest? What do you love
talking about? And what would you do
with that guy? And that's a great start
to knowing yourself.
And to liking who you are.
Cuz who you comparing to? Oh, let's go
on for 30 minutes. Who are you comparing
to?
Who?
Some guy that you
some dude on YouTube or some some person
that you saw online and now they're in
the Epstein files?
And you you thought they were the
coolest and then it shows up that
they're they're they're in there 3,000
times?
Who do you really admire?
Everyone's tainted with something.
Everyone falls short.
Everyone's on Ashley Madison. Remember
that whole thing and the cheating
scandal? Every dude is cheating on his
wife. Why you comparing yourself to
these schmucks?
Go buy yourself a beer.
Everyone can be corrupted.
And it shows you how easily people can
be bought.
People can be bought with a flight to an
island.
All you can eat cheeseburgers they can
be bought for.
How much can you be bought for?
Guys,
I I've been approached by AG1 greens and
all these sponsors for this channel over
the years and no,
I'm not bought for something I don't
believe in.
How much would you sell your soul to the
devil for?
Mine doesn't have a price, dude.
It's not for sale.
Start to like yourself. Start to be
proud of yourself.
Start to have your back. Start to be in
your own corner.
Start to like what you like.
And
this whole
conditioning in being a man,
see if that's working for you.
See what works and what doesn't work.
And as I said in another video uh before
this,
what would happen if you just stopped
trying?
Put it all down.
Who's left?
Who's left when you let go of the
persona, let go of the attitude, let go
of I'm a man and I got to be this and
this and this in this world cuz that's
how it's supposed to be and that's how
things should be.
Drop it and see what's left.
That's the gold, baby. That's the gold.
That's what we're all digging for our
whole lives. It's that center piece of
the soul that just shines and radiates
and people can see that in you.
You just got to access it.
And if you want help accessing that, I'm
a few clicks away from a free guide uh
in the description and a form where you
can fill out and we can chat one-on-one
if you want help with this further.
Okay?
Take care, guys. God bless you and we'll
see you in the next video. And start
liking yourself. Bye-bye.