Video summary
The video explores the psychological phenomenon known as "mate choice copying," a scientific term often used to describe why women find married men more attractive. The core argument presented is that once a man and woman are married, other women tend to view the husband as significantly more desirable simply because he is already in a committed relationship. This perception stems from an assumption that if another woman has chosen this man, he must possess inherent qualities such as trustworthiness, stability, or resource provisioning capabilities. The transcript illustrates this with studies where researchers rate the attractiveness of identical photos of men higher when told the subjects are taken, suggesting that women subconsciously defer to the judgment of other women regarding a partner's value.
However, the discussion quickly shifts from pure attraction to the complex motivations behind pursuing married men, highlighting factors beyond just safety or moral approval. The speakers argue that while some women may seek the security and resources of a man who is already established, there is also a competitive element at play; successfully "taking" a married man can provide an ego boost by proving one's own desirability. Furthermore, the video introduces the concept of paternity uncertainty as a significant deterrent for men, noting that they often prefer to be "side dudes" rather than risk violence between two men or the financial burden of supporting a woman who is not fully committed. This dynamic suggests that the behavior is not driven by a simple moral hierarchy but rather by a mix of security seeking and social competition.
The transcript also delves into specific examples, including interviews with celebrities like Cardi B and Chanté Moore, to illustrate differing perspectives on marriage and infidelity. Cardi B notes that her direct messages decreased after getting married, while Chanté Moore discusses the difficulties she faced when separating from her husband, highlighting how society often unfairly labels women as "home wreckers" even when they are acting on their own terms. The video contrasts these narratives with historical views of marriage as a property transfer system, arguing that declining marriage rates reflect women gaining agency rather than a loss of traditional values. Ultimately, the speakers conclude that while men may claim to respect the sanctity of relationships, women's attraction to married men is a multifaceted issue involving perceived safety, resource access, and competitive instincts, making it a nuanced topic rather than a clear-cut moral failing on one side.
Read the full video transcript
Mate choice copying. Mate choice copying
is a scientific name for home wrecking.
It's when a woman goes after a man who
is taken because being taken makes him
more attractive.
>> Furthermore, on the opposite end, once a
man and woman are married, you have
something called mate choice copying,
which I'm I'm sure you're aware of and
this is a
where women begin to think of men who
are in committed relationships as more
desirable simply on the basis that
they're in committed relationships under
the assumption that they trust other
women's judgment
and you know, we're told I don't know if
it's true. We're told that it's a safety
mechanism. When when they're under the
microscope, they like to default to
safety as an excuse.
It could be many other things than
safety. It could be just straight up
resource provisioning anyway. But
the idea being that if another woman
selected this man, this must mean that
he's pretty good for any number of
reasons, right?
>> I do not need this, OKAY? MY MAN HAS TWO
JOBS.
>> AND SO I'M GOING TO AFTER THIS MAN. SO
WE HAVE studies that show, you know,
women will look at a picture of a dude
and and the clinicians or researchers
say, you know, how attractive is this
dude? They're like, he's a six, you
know, he's he's okay.
And then they'll have it again, the
exact same picture, the exact same dude,
no differences whatsoever, but the
researcher just happens to tell the
woman this man is in a relationship.
How attractive is this guy? Oh, he's
like an eight, he's hot.
>> If he doesn't have pictures of another
girl. I don't like single guys, so
>> Oh.
>> Wait a minute. She likes it when guys
are not single?
>> You know, or or dudes who go out and
they want to they want to get some on
their on their vacation to Miami or
whatever their boys trip is so they put
on a wedding ring even though they're
not married.
So that's just that's that's my extra
little drop in the bucket in terms of
the discussion that you just brought
forward about who's cheating more and
when and why and how. There's There's a
lot of factors that that that play into
that.
>> Right. And and you know, like I said
earlier, like as it relates to the moral
argument, I think it's both. I don't
think it's
that men have a moral monopoly that in
in in that way either, right? Because
the
the male narrative is, you know, women
drop in attractiveness when she is in a
relationship. Even Cardi B said it. She
was like, "Once I got in a relationship,
my DMs went down."
>> And actually respect marriages.
>> What do you mean by that?
>> Women don't really respect marriages.
When I used to meet guys, any type of
famous guys and stuff like that, they'll
be like, "How you doing? How you doing,
Cardi B?" like this and that. Our DMs
were extremely dry. Nobody would
approach me. These women, they will
throw themselves at a married man like
it's nothing. It's like, "Oh well,
whatever."
>> And the the idea, or at least the idea a
lot of men push, is that, you know, men
respect the sanctity
of relationships. And sure,
I think that's the case to a point.
>> Cardi B in that same interview, she
actually said that. I I don't I didn't
mean to cut you off. I'm sorry.
>> Yeah, yeah. No, no, she she said that.
And and and like I said, I I think
that's that's some of it.
I think the other part, too, is like we
also recognize the potential risk, the
the potential number one, the risk of
paternity uncertainty
because there's another man in the
picture, like clear as day.
The risk of violence between two men.
And also the risk of now taking on the
financial burden of a woman who's That's
why we'd rather be side dudes, right?
So, it's it's not a clean-cut moral
moral hierarchy there. It's It's simply
like both. It's both. People Women like
men who are taken for security, but also
because women are competitive. Also
because women feel like if I can, you
know, if I can take him, then I'm, you
know, there there's almost like a ego
boost to it. It's It's It's It's It's It
means more that I can get him to funnel
his resources away from something and
towards me.
>> Right. And And I And [clears throat] I
just want to make mention that several
of the disincentives that you just
identified uh to to men,
these are these are structural and
socially imposed disincentives.
And
women are missing some disincentives.
>> I think we agree there. I got a few
clips.
>> [snorts]
>> And then uh we'll wrap it up here soon.
So, I don't know if you recognize this
lady.
>> Oh, yeah.
>> The Coldplay situation. So, I'm going to
play this clip of her speaking to Oprah,
which is insane that she got on Oprah
for cheating.
But
>> Did you know Oprah?
>> Yeah, hey.
But I I think it speaks to the larger
conversation we're having about what are
the nuanced differences with female
nature and how they see the world and
how they see themselves. And what can we
learn from it?
>> explained to them and what you described
like I think I'm representative of
something that touches at a lot of fear
in people. I don't And I didn't know.
You know, I was trying to figure it out
myself and
I wish I could have showed up for them
in better ways than I did, but I did the
best I could do and in those moments I
It was really hard. Going back to school
for them was really hard. I They didn't
want me on their campuses for the first
semester or trimester.
So, I missed You know, I didn't go to
games. I didn't go to parent
conferences. I couldn't go to parents
weekend at my son's school. The schools
were wonderful. I worked with them
closely to make sure the kids were
supportive. Um and like I said, their
friends were great.
>> Do you still talk to Andy Byron, your
former boss?
>> No. I I ended communication with Andy in
mid-fall. There was a
a big mess on honesty and integrity. I
don't He didn't He wasn't the person he
represented himself to be to me and
lying is not a non-negotiable for me.
>> What does that mean, actually?
>> I don't You You there was
he missed the mark on being as honest as
he could have been with me and at the
end of the day, Oprah, like I was the
one left holding
>> Meaning he wasn't separated that because
what you're implying to me, what I'm
hearing is that he really wasn't
separated. Is that what you're trying to
say?
>> I want to be really careful because the
world spoke for me and on my behalf and
I don't want to do that to somebody else
in their family. I don't feel
comfortable, but I will say like a lot
of what was represented to me was not
true. Um
>> Okay.
>> I also want to say that being left
>> But will you verify again, as you said
to us that he had told you when you told
him you were separated, he had said to
you he's going through the same thing?
>> Unequivocally.
>> Okay.
>> Unequivocally.
>> So you believed when you were standing
with him at the Coldplay concert
that he was separated?
>> Absolutely. Zero doubt. Zero doubt.
But I was left holding the bag and I
don't, you know,
being the one that was attacked for this
with, you know, he's remained silent, to
me that's not a quality that I would
look for in a friend or a partner or a
boss. So we have no relationship.
>> What would you have wanted him to do or
say?
>> I I mean, the entire trajectory of this
would have changed if he would have just
made a quick statement to say my wife
and I were separated at the time of the
concert.
Just like my husband did.
But it didn't matter when he was great
that Andrew did that, but it also still
I was still left with, you know, the
tone changed a little bit. Okay, so she
was separated, but he wasn't, so she's
still a home wrecker.
>> I want to play I want to play with I
want to play with words just so we can
have a full full analysis. So this lady
here
>> Oh, yeah.
As you can see, dating as you get older
definitely gets less fun cuz you can
smell the lies from a mile away. She's
one of the anti-natal man-hating
don't get married women.
>> Marriage was the way of exchanging women
as property.
>> Yeah, no.
>> Marriage was
>> Got it. Yeah.
>> transfer of a woman between her father
and her husband. Regardless of how you
feel about it, that's the fact. That was
the origination the original purpose of
marriage as a construct. The reason why
you see divorce rates rise is because
women finally have agency over whether
or not we stay in these marriages. The
reason why you're seeing marriage rates
and birth rates decline is because for
the first time in human history women
have had more agency than we've ever had
on whether or not we get married married
in the first place and whether women
historically have been slaves. I
understand there's different forms of
slavery, but women
>> All right, enough of that.
The title of this stream
or the title of the thumbnail title is
women don't lie, they tell their truth.
With these two clips of these Caucasian
ladies telling their truth,
how how do you understand that quote
that I made up?
>> I I thought it was a very
clever
quote which is socially consistent.
And what I mean by that is that um
I hear them say that a lot.
In in the most precise and objective
sense,
I wouldn't I would prefer to interpret
it as a tongue-in-cheek kind of joke
that they tell their truth kind of like
a joke rather than
an actual
statement because I do think they lie.
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