Video summary
Alain de Botton challenges the modern narrative, often amplified by social media culture like Instagram, which frames breaking up with unsatisfactory partners as a heroic act of liberation while staying in bad relationships is viewed purely pathologically. He argues that this binary view overlooks valid reasons for remaining in challenging situations, such as the desire to grow together or make progress within a relationship. De Botton emphasizes that healthy partnerships are not devoid of conflict but are instead defined by "rupture and repair," where couples navigate breaks and fix them, much like the Japanese tradition of *kintsugi*, which honors cracks with gold lacquer rather than hiding them. This perspective suggests that relationships require resilience and the ability to mend after inevitable crashes, countering the simplistic notion that one should always immediately flee from difficulties. The speaker also addresses those who lack the courage to leave unsatisfactory but non-abusive relationships, urging society not to shame these individuals as deficient or ill. Instead of adopting a dismissive attitude toward their fears—such as being judged by others or never meeting someone new—we should acknowledge that finding certain life challenges difficult is normal and offer kindness rather than judgment. De Botton critiques the unrealistic expectation that everyone can easily discard "awful" people to enter a promised golden relationship, noting that we do not choose whom we love in many ways. He compares our internal emotional architecture to physical structures like buildings; just as one would not demand an architect instantly remove a wing of a complex building without understanding its structural role, we must respect the stubborn nature of deep-seated feelings and attachments even when they seem irrational from the outside. A significant portion of de Botton's argument focuses on how early childhood experiences shape adult relationship behaviors, particularly in people-pleasing tendencies or an inability to give up on others. He explains that these traits often stem from survival strategies developed as children trying to manage volatile parents; for instance, a five-year-old cannot simply abandon an abusive parent due to a lack of resources and legal access, so they learn to suppress their needs to survive. These defensive neurotic structures were once clever adaptations but can outlive their usefulness in adulthood, causing individuals to prioritize others' emotions over their own well-being long after the original threat is gone. Rather than shaming adults for these behaviors, de Botton suggests honoring the younger self's ingenuity and thanking them for carrying us through difficult stages before gently guiding them toward letting go when circumstances have changed. When it comes to ending a relationship, de Botton advises against silent disappearances or vague explanations that leave partners to fill the void with dark imaginations of hatred or humiliation. He asserts that while breakups are emotionally devastating—comparable in severity to death and warranting a period of mourning similar to Jewish traditions where spouses wear black for a year—it is crucial to explain reasons kindly, generously, and without shame. Relationships often have an expiration date once they served their purpose of carrying individuals to the next life stage, and recognizing this allows both parties to say goodbye with clarity rather than cruelty disguised as kindness. Furthermore, he cautions against immediately trying to be friends or staying in constant contact after a breakup, arguing that such actions can hinder the necessary healing process required for two people to recover from an attachment rupture before potentially rebuilding any connection later.
Read the full video transcript
a lot of people have problems breaking
up with someone even though they they
might not make them particularly very
happy yeah why do people get stuck in
unhappy relationships in that
way um there are you know I think the
the mood of the modern world the mood of
modern Instagram I've observed is all
about or ditch them Chuck them run away
it's it's a pure pathology you are you
are sticking around someone's suboptimal
for purely pathological reasons um
that's got to be true in some cases it
is definitely true in some cases but
because it's so well known nowadays that
that's true let's stick up for the other
side
um sometimes it's hard sometimes we we
stick around very challenging situations
because
um we want to try and grow together we
want to try and make progress um and
sometimes we can sometimes we can't so
you know it's a balance I don't want
Advocate you know an endlessly
unfulfilling relationship but
but good relationships will be marked by
a heavy dose of whaty psychotherapists
call rupture and repair a break and a
repair um and the ability to you know
the thing crashes at night but the next
morning it's fixed you know our friends
in the East you know the Japanese
tradition of kins sui fixing that that
bowl with golden lacquer fixing the
break it's a very very important and
satisfying part of all
relationships
um yeah yeah what about the what about
the people who are in a relationship but
don't have the courage to leave they
probably have this they feel stuck sort
of stuck in
this unsatisfactory not abusive not
terrible but just they have that fear
pulling the pen making that move you
know you talked about primary secondary
emotions let's not shame these people
right let's not add to their woes that
they are deficient and Ill in some way
um they're finding something very hard
and that's okay let's bear with how
difficult it is you know again I it I
I'm frustrated by the modern temper
which is like get out shoot the awful
person you know and and join the
liberated
Uplands maybe maybe and maybe that is
what they're going to do but you know
let's be very thoughtful about why
they've ended up there let's not you
know this might just
be they might find hundred things in
life quite easy this is what they're
finding difficult and let's acknowledge
that let's be very kind to that um and
let's hold their hands through it you
know why what's what's difficult for
them is it that they think that um
they'll be judged by other people right
what what's the fear what's the fear
I'll be judged by okay how does that
fear Stu up with what might really
happen or I'll never meet anyone new
okay let's think about that let's not
immediately say oh you will maybe they
won't you know take it calmly Etc I just
I'm really resistant to some of this
narrative which is you know get out get
rid of the awful underperforming people
and get into that golden relationship
that's been promised to you in heaven
it's not you know that maybe the
direction of travel let's just
acknowledge the bumps yeah I think it's
unrealistic you know there's a lot of
people who just don't want to make a
fuss that there's this sort of fear this
question is it fair to want what I want
you mentioned before how do people that
from the outside you go why why her with
him why him with her why why would that
Union happen and
um we don't get to choose what we love
in many ways you know absolutely not we
are we are you know we we think we've
done away with the arranged marriage no
we haven't it's just become an emot Ally
arranged marriage internally arranged
rather than arranged by our
parents yeah I think uh again for the
cerebrally uh
predisposed you kind of rail against
that why can't I why if only I could can
you not get in line with you please all
of the things they're there in front of
me they they have the and and we get
literally irritated and and just to be
able to understand it it's it's like
saying you know why can't Mount Everest
be small why can't the sky be less blue
whatever we're trying to change a
constituent element of reality and and I
think we need to have as much respect
for the inner architecture as we do for
the outer architecture you wouldn't look
at a building and go I just want to get
rid of that Wing immediately you you'd
understand that it was incredibly
difficult it's the same thing just
because it's intangible doesn't mean
it's not incredibly stubborn and hard
you know it's hard to change do we need
to uh build create the capacity to give
up on people in that way does that
help um yes I think some of us do you
know the you know again it's life's all
about finding what's the thing that
what's the lesson that you need to hear
so there are some people um not everyone
but some people really need to hear um a
little lesson about how sometimes they
should give up on people that sometimes
making excuses for people or trying to
understand where people are coming from
Etc it can go too far that that those
very nice traits can go too far and that
the next best thing that you need to do
is to be able to say goodbye without too
much regret that might be the lesson
that you need to do and let's remember
the people who on the whole find it very
hard to give up on people are people who
couldn't give up as children can't on
parents who are very unsatisfactory you
can't expect a 5-year-old child to give
up on a parent so a parent can be
beating the child every night and the
child will think oh maybe it's my fault
because the child cannot bear to give up
on the parent and do the thing that
would be natural to do which is to say
I'm in the hands of an abusive parent
you can't do that when you're five you
got no access to lawyers youve got no
money you can't go anywhere you are
trapped and therefore you become a world
expert in not giving up on people but
some of what adulthood requires is
precisely the opposite
sometimes getting perilously close to
people pleasing here uh and that sort of
tendency to put other people's emotions
y ahead of our own make their emotional
state our responsibility if you're not
okay I'm not okay
okay how how can we better alchemize
that and understand that that tendency I
mean look let's remember so the
psychology of the so-called people
pleasing person is someone who no one
tried to please for themselves right in
other words they were in an asymmetrical
relationship probably with a caregiver
or parent who um didn't care about their
feelings they didn't prioritize their
their needs Etc and they had to adjust
to to them so you know if you've got a
parent with a volcanic temper where
anything might set them off well what
you say or think is going to Disappear
Completely because all you're going to
be doing as a child is managing the mood
of a parent they will be an infant
essentially and you will have to be in
the parenting role and you'll have to
put aside your needs and um children are
great Geniuses at reading the room and
doing what needs to be done to survive
it's a survival strategy I will become a
people pleaser not in order to annoy
people in later life but in in order to
survive in order to get to the next
stage of existence in order to reach
adolescence let's face it and um the
problem with in this as in so many other
neurotic structures is a very good idea
outlives its use and so it's still
operating in circumstances where it's no
longer needed so what we need to tell
what the what the people needs to tell
themselves is it was amazing at the age
of five I cleverly worked out that I
needed to people please in order to cope
with my intemperate father but that
Situation's now gone and if I keep doing
this with my partner with my colleagues
Etc it's going to annoy everybody and
it's going to create serious problems um
so what needs to be done is that person
shouldn't feel shamed they should be
made to feel proud there should be a
little ceremony where they're able to
say to their 5-year-old self thank you
thank you little whatever it is um thank
you for carrying me to a later stage um
and working out something so clever and
this this applies for all defensive
neurotic structures I mean let's imagine
somebody who can't feel very much who's
invulnerable doesn't open themselves up
to other people and in relationships
that person may be shamed oh oh so and
so oh they they they're afraid of
intimacy you want to go okay shaming
this person is not going to help you
have to ask a another question which is
in what circumstances did their current
behavior make sense first question and
there it always will make sense you go
back in time and you say right in those
circumstances of course it may you know
your father was dying your mother was
absent of course it made sense not to
feel anything you would have been
destroyed by your feelings therefore
very clever five sixy old you to work
out that it's best not to feel problem
is you're now 35 or 45 and there's lots
of reason to feel because there's
someone loving nearby or there's you
you've got children or whatever um and
therefore we need to say thank you to
the younger self and then we can move on
but shame is not going to do it to to
wag a finger and go oh another one who's
afraid of intimacy that no one ever
changed like that yeah the uh
realization that doing that internally
being a tyrant to yourself also isn't
necessarily the best way to encourage
you into Behavior change whipping
yourself into submission yeah it's it's
it's missing the logic of of why you're
doing what you're doing as I say so much
of what we do as adults makes no sense
even to us you know why am I worried
every morning again ask yourself the
question it's a key question for your
viewers listeners um when did the
current behavior which now doesn't seem
to make sense when did it once make
sense in what circumstances did this
pattern develop this pattern that is now
in vertom mad or destructive or boring
or counterproductive when did it make
sense and if you can start to see a
logic again there always will be one I I
would suggest there almost always will
be one there will be a moment when to
feel anxious every morning was bound up
with your safety in your survival to the
next stage of life so if you can recover
contact with what that stage was
you'll then be in a position to honor
the defensive strategy but also say
goodbye to it what are some of the uh
best and worst ways to tell somebody
that it's over in a
relationship
um look one of the worst ways is not to
explain at all why something has come to
feel necessary in other words just
running away and leaving someone no
sense because that then leaves the
person to imagine everything and most of
our imaginations are dark places in this
Regard in other words we think that
someone hates us boundlessly or is
trying to humiliate us or deliberately
want to be cruel to us or Etc and in
many many cases I venture to say most
cases when someone leaves someone it
isn't those things it's the truth is the
truth is better than we think it's still
tough you know it's very very tough um
you know those attachment ruptures uh in
everyone's life they're of the most
painful things we will ever have to go
through to to to build a life with
someone and then see that life disappear
I mean we need we need space to mourn
you know in in Judaism when someone dies
you lose a um a spouse you you're
allowed a year of mourning you're
allowed you wear black and you have
allowed a year of mourning where not too
much is expected of you both
professionally and personally you can go
a bit mad and that's all right everyone
looks after you they know you're in
mourning
we kind of need that when we're
heartbroken when we're serious because
we're dealing with something that is
from an emotional point of view as
serious this is as serious um as a as a
I mean this literally is a loss someone
has died you know and um so we need we
need that space so so come back to your
question how to break up um to to be
able to explain diplomatically kindly
generously some of the real reasons why
and as the person who's leaving not to
feel that those reasons not to be
ashamed of those reasons you know people
feel relationships don't have to go on
forever sometimes relationships have a
cell by date they are there they were
formed for a particular purpose
unconscious to to carry us to a next
stage and maybe that stage has come to
an end for for someone and we can
explain that we can try and you know
verbalize that um but also Clarity and
sometimes people try to be kind in ways
that end up being very very cruel um I
want to leave you but but let's go on
holiday together really that is that a
wise thing or um I w't leave you but you
know let's be in touch every day you
know and I'll just still call you what I
used to call you you know when we were
very intimate that's tough that's tough
so we may you know couples May out of
kindness out of mutual respect go you
know there's still a lot of love there
still a lot of affection but probably
shouldn't be in touch that much for a
little while you think a bad idea for
exes to try and be friends um look it
depends but I think I think you know
there needs to be healing doesn't there
there needs to be um a break that's
marked and honored so that two people
can um recover in other news this
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