When your Ex is still in your head…

Hi everyone, welcome back to our podcast the helpline. I'm back here with Dr. Anita Madan Beel to talk about another question that's come in. Now um this is not an unusual question. It's something that we get quite often. I just like the way it was written. I find it's really interesting because this question has come from a man. He says he's 36 years old and um it's actually got so much nuance to it. he's really thought about it and I thought that was pretty amazing. So it says that um he really wants genuinely to be guided on how to save their marriage. He says that before he got married, he had several what he calls casual flames and also [clears throat] one very serious relationship that ended because of his mistakes. And he says that although I've moved on and had an arranged marriage after that last year, I feel that I've never emotionally moved on from my past. Before marriage, I knew my wife for a few months and I was attracted to her. However, our marriage, after our marriage, I started feeling emotionally disconnected and uncomfortable. And the biggest issue is that I am now unable to get or maintain sexual feelings for her. If I imagine someone else, I get it immediately, which makes me realize that this is psychological rather than physical. He says that whenever he's with his wife, his mind keeps going back to his past relationships. He constantly blames himself for the mistakes that he made back then and then he keeps thinking if I hadn't done that would my life have been different and these thoughts have now started impacting not just his marriage but everything else in his life. My wife he says has been incredibly patient, understanding and supportive. She has never pressured me but it has now been 8 months since our marriage and we have had virtually no physical intimacy. I feel guilty because I know that she deserves a happy married life and I don't want this situation to hurt her or our relationship. >> Firstly, it's a great question and I love I love the reflection on it. I love the ownership like that he's taking ownership as much, you know, rather than blaming, he's taking ownership and the motivation to fix it. I think that's always missing when we um you know a lot of times people come up with problems. Uh but there isn't like the motivation or the dedication to change it or self-reflection >> or the realization that this is something that's happening and he actually wants to do something about it. But having said all these wonderful things, I also see a certain pattern over here which is like an age-old narrative, you know, and I want to go over a couple of those things with you. So there's the guilt that he feels. There's that whole nostalgia about the old relationship. There's that whole thing of um I maybe wasn't ready, but I still got married and all the things that we don't answer for guys. And I think it's really important for us to do that. So can we actually start with this idea of when people remember their old relationships >> and everything seems so wonderful because the present relationship has challenges in real time the old one is just beautifully edited filtered highlights >> yeah you know the grass is always greener on the other side in many ways and I think and in some ways it's a good thing when we remember relationships we might remember the good parts the good memories memories, the beautiful times and everything. What we don't remember is the the fights that we had, the reasons we broke up for, what didn't work. And obviously those feelings are uncomfortable. So a lot of times we like you're saying it's beautifully edited. What we keep are the amazing memories, especially when we are trying to find reasons to not make this work. you know, and I think we need to remember that like why are we false pos like editing it for positives rather than negatives, right? Um, and a lot of times we do that subconsciously because in another time when we're ready for a breakup, we're editing it for only bad times. But when we are looking back at it and there are problems in the current relationship, we're editing it for only the good times. Yeah. And so what we're remembering is the times that worked, what worked in the relationship, what an amazing time it was, and then like you were saying, we cannot help but compare. So I think that I mean, if I was actually to say that when it comes to this idea of remembering the old relationship and thinking, "Oh, that was so amazing. It ended because of my mistakes. This present one won't work for me. um even though I love this person, they're wonderful, but that was so much better. What exactly do we want people to do about that? >> So, I I I think one comparing doesn't help uh in a lot of ways. >> Unfortunately, we all do it, right? >> We all do it. But I think um like you were mentioning it's really important to stay in the present and look at this relationship because there is something that's not working now. Um and helping it and saying you made mistakes then so it's better not to make mistakes now. Uh so I think one it is definitely let's see the person for themselves because I think that we can find better solutions in this relationship rather than thinking about the past. We also I think we need closure somewhere and closure is really important um and we don't we never think about it. So I think even if it means talking to a friend or processing it for yourself or writing a letter to your exartner, you don't need to post it, but just writing a goodbye letter or journaling it or you know sending a voice note that you never send. So what we are looking for here is closure. We're not looking for restarting a conversation. So I think sometimes that helps as well because you really need to kind of get somewhere to say that chapter is over you know and then you can focus on the present. A lot of times I feel people keep staying in the whatifs uh and then they're unable to come to today. Also, I think it's fantastic to be able to reflect on your past and say, "Oh, I regret that I didn't do this." But what is that regret feeling like? What is the purpose of that regret? You know, I think it the challenge today is always difficult and there's a challenge today, right? So when we are climbing a mountain and it's really difficult, we just imagine the last relationship as a valley you know we just think oh my god that was so beautiful it wasn't challenging there was nothing there so we should have just rather than take on this challenge we should have just stayed but what we forget is that there were challenges in that relationship as well it's just that we don't remember it >> yeah and if it's not so I always think that you know if I start regretting something at some point you have just say okay the decision I made at that point and I regret having made that decision I've learned something from it and I've moved on but you haven't learned anything from it then you're just I don't know it's like self-indulgence >> and also I think sometimes what we forget is you know regret is an interesting thing I always especially when it comes to parenting I always tell people that you make the best decision with the information you have at that time So a lot of times parents would say now in hindsight I think or now in hindsight but you have a different information today at that point in that minute the information. So yesterday you can regret it because maybe you have different information or you have changed or you realize but in that moment you had with all the information you had in that moment you made the best decision. So I don't think we should feel guilty or think because if you had the extra information maybe you would have made a different choice. So I also think it's interesting you know the counselor always says that um you can build up desire right and to build desire you need to be very present. And even though this guy is present physically he's definitely not present emotionally. So each time he goes to her, his mind already starts to think, "Oh, I feel desire for so and so, but I don't feel desire for her." He's already sort of thinking >> conditioned. >> Yeah. He's already conditioned himself. He's already said um that she actually doesn't bring out that attention in me. She doesn't bring out that attraction in me. And you know, we've always said that this has to be built up. It's not automatic. You cannot walk into a room and say I feel this chemistry for you and this chemistry is going to last forever and ever. In the same way that chemistry will eventually change as well. Everything changes. How can we convince people that to carry on a relationship which is going to be successful and intimate and pleasurable always that you have to put that much effort into it? >> Yeah. And and so I I was thinking, you know, in many ways, if you think about it, when we start a relationship, a romantic one, an affair, uh there's sparks, there's chemistry, there's energy and everything. And and all of that is initially and then we need to work on it because life happens and you get busy, right? And so interestingly, if you think about it, that's the phase he's in where there was spark and there was energy. He really I don't know there was one long-term relationship, but other than that there were affairs or flings as he calls them. So in many ways he's remembering those ide parts, right? Cut to we come to an arranged marriage and things are slightly different here. It's not like there isn't energy or there are not sparks. Yeah. Because I sense that he was attracted to her. >> Yeah. So there is but there is you know it it is a new setup. It's a new it's it's something like an contract or arrangement that has been made. So intimacy has to be built here. Trust has to be built. Romance has to be built. Love has to be built. And I think we need to really invest in those you know and how much of it you know sometimes we just because it's a contract we get into life and it becomes like a family thing rather than saying let's go for a date night let's go out for a trip let's go out for a weekend you need to make a conscious effort to keep that chemistry in the relationship otherwise it's really easy to you know come home and just you know normal life happens and then we expect more. So somewhere and especially in arranged marriage systems where it's very easy for it to become a like a familial scene very quickly um rather than a couple scene. It's really important to keep the energy and to keep the romance and to build it. We do have several chapters in the book which actually are dedicated to exactly this. So, I say this every time, but please go and get yourself a copy of the book. Read those chapters. They're so useful and they would really actually help your relationships. I think that's really important. And one of the things I would really like to add once again to build up intimacy, physical intimacy, it's a it's an exercise that I've used personally. It's an exercise that I've suggested to people. It works beautifully. is where you have your 15 minutes every day >> of alone time skin-to-skin cuddling. So, no clothes, you have your skin-to-skin cuddle where you're not talking about sexual stuff. You're literally just talking about your work or what you did during the day, but you're doing this skin-to-skin so that you learn how nice or good it feels when the body connects. When you feel each other's skin, when you feel that closeness, that is where intimacy develops. And honestly, if every day 15 minutes feels too much, even if you schedule it for like three, four times a week, I think it would be really helpful. And also like when we say intimacy, we're talking about small things that build relationships and build um trust. You know, it's about holding somebody's hand. It's about kissing them on the forehead. It's going and giving them a hug before leaving for work. You know, it's it's those small things. >> Cooking together. >> Not more than that. >> But but like what we're saying is that when we're talking about building this relationship, we are not talking about oh let's do a elaborate candle light dinner and fancy restaurants and everything. We're talking about small gestures that actually build a relationship, build trust, build communication, build intimacy, come home and have a conversation about how the partner's day went because that's how you'll build your communication skills. If you're not talking to each other, not suddenly one day you can't have serious relationship or work issue, you know, conversations. It's about building those things which we need to start doing. When we have that intimacy, when we have that trust, when we have that last uh love and lust, uh the charge will happen. >> Yeah. And you know at that point to consciously say to yourself, oh no, I'm not going to say, oh, it's not working. Oh, I felt so much more with the other person. It's a new relationship. You are building a new one. So at that point you do need to focus on what you are doing with this person. You need to find the pleasure with them rather than thinking oh but you know what's the point because it was so much more back then. It's really important. Your mindset is really important. >> Absolutely. And I think because uh this person spoke about they feel they made a mistake. I feel maybe there is some processing to be done and that's why I spoke about the closure. So maybe if you need to go to a therapist, if you need to speak to a friend, just you know process what happened, what do you regret? Um and in many ways it is really important uh you know to build what you need from the new relationship in many ways and and that we cannot stay in the past. We can build those with communication in the new one. You know it's not it doesn't mean that because it was this is a new relationship and it was arranged marriage or whatever that you cannot get what you need in this relationship. But you need to work on it and you need to communicate it with your partner who you say is being very patient and helpful. You know, sometimes when there is enough trust, then there can be a conversation about um you know, what mistakes you made, what are you and I'm talking from a personal reflection point. Talking about the other person does nothing. It doesn't help anything. It's talking about yourself to say, "I wasn't good in making commitments. I was too scared to like own up to my issues. I couldn't share my emotions. We're talking about being able to talk about your selfassessment, not about the other person because that's useless. But yes, if there is selfassessment, then you can prevent that from happening in your new relationship. So basically what she's saying is that at some point um where you you talk about your whole relationship but not like Anita said talking about your exartner and saying >> you don't go and say she was very sexy I had great sexism. No >> that's not the conversation that we're having and it's not also the fact that they used to do this and I didn't like you know none of that. It's the self-reflection. So yes, I had a past relationship where I would do this. I would make the make this mistake and I don't want to do that again. So I think that's >> Yeah. So it's about saying we had a great relationship but I was so scared about commitment or they kept asking me to talk about my problems but I was unable to or I was you know I didn't want to settle and I just decided um I I I didn't want to work on the relationship. So you're doing more self-reflection because what we are working here is is there a p pattern being you know repeated. So, if somebody has commitment issues, for example, they didn't commit to that long-term relationship and now they might be sabotaging this current one by, you know, once again not committing to this one, right? And that's like a pattern we would see in therapy to see, okay, is there something being repeated here is a pattern. And so, um, so that's something that you can do for yourself. So what we're communicating with the current partner is about our self-reflection, our self assessment um and what's happening. What I want to add to that and we've said this a lot of times having arousal because you think of a time that was really amazing for you that's part of your library. So I would also distinguish between are you remembering a sexual experience in your life that was very pleasurable and that's giving you arousal or are you thinking about past partners? There's a big distinction between these two things. >> I'd like you to talk a little bit more about that. >> What happens? How do we get aroused? Right. We get sometimes we get aroused because we are physically uh arousing our partner by touching them by feeling them by you know a thing and that physically we're leading to arousal many times and this happens a lot with women we need to imagine something to get aroused and that's another way people get aroused and we would remember and so Sema and I have spoken about about how we all have a library of things that we go to. So in that library many times there is an image there is a place there is you know an act that has felt very pleasurable to us and we go to that library right so it is more like thinking oh I've enjoyed sex on the beach and we always go back to that visual of that sex on the beach and it automatically gives us arousal that's going back to a library of what has given us pleasure. But if we are going back to saying let me recount all the times I have had sex with that partner or how sexy that partner looked or you know so that's a big distinction and what happens is a lot of time people go back to what gave them pleasure and then they feel guilty because they think they're thinking about their exartners. But what you're actually accessing is things that gave you pleasure or made you feel aroused. What also becomes important is what we need to add to the library are images, situation, places where we feel aroused with the current partner as well because if we don't create that new library then it can get complicated. There's a huge difference between looking back to uh the pleasure that you had with somebody or the pleasure that you had in a particular situation. >> Yeah. So the point is you could go with the current partner to the beach and have sex and now you have a new image in your library where there's sex on a beach but it's with your current partner, right? So we have replaced the phase because what was really arousing for you was having sex on the beach, right? So it's about saying or if you like somebody wearing something, right? And that's what has given you arousal. So if you recreate with that with your new partner. So we're replacing the library with situations, occasions, acts that are pleasurable to you or that are part of your fantasy that you are recreating with your current partner. So now you have more access to those images rather than recalling your exartner. And just because you want to now do the same things which were fun or arousing with a new partner, it doesn't mean that you're trying to replace the person into another person. You know, there's also that because a lot of people get very worked up about the fact that, oh, you did all this with your ex, now you want to do it with me. That means that you're actually seeing them and me and you don't really want me. It's them that you're still looking for. I think it's really important to remember that there are certain things that arouse us that turn us on which give us pleasure and it can actually come from a very um a very good space as well. Well, if we're trying to recreate everything we did with an exartner, that's problematic. But if if we are coming from a place of these are few things that arouse me, you know, I like being touched in a certain place. I when I see somebody wearing something, you know, some people have a foot fetish or they have like I like pe people in short dresses or long dresses or low cleavage or high cleavage or a sari or a mini skirt, whatever you're saying that what you're looking at it is what is your pleasure point. And so what you are recreating in your library is what gives you pleasure. But if you're trying to recreate moments with your ex partner with the new partner, then that's problematic. So once again, is the intent coming from have you thought about what is pleasurable to you? And you're communicating with your partner and saying, I get very aroused when somebody wears this. I get very aroused or when somebody does this or I get very aroused if we have sex in this position. So you're communicating and you're replicating what gives you pleasure and and if we think about it what gives you pleasure will happen with each partner because that's what gives you pleasure. You know it it obvious you can evolve you can learn. You might be surprised by you know a partner and what they have in offer but at the same time if somebody likes a certain position they will like that position with each partner. >> Yeah because that's what gives them pleasure in many ways. >> Sure. You touched upon something earlier uh which I think is really important. It's the performance the performance pressure. And I think that actually when people get to a point in their relationship where they absolutely cannot um let's say feel excited like this guy says that I can't feel excited when I'm with my partner. I can't have sex with her. And that's becoming an issue. And I think what often happens is that you you get so caught up with that idea that I can't do it that the next time you come together you actually can't do it. So each little kiss, each little touch carries pressure now. >> Yeah. So you know and and and honestly I I think that's what's happened in this relationship because I feel like there was chemistry there was spark and very innocently what happens and a lot of people come to us who might have erectile difficulties or vaginismas or whatever and they would say oh we don't know why it's happening and when you actually work with them they remember that one incident when they couldn't get an erection for for whatever reason or the relationship didn't work out or like they couldn't have sex but because they remember that incident each time they start engaging a thing the erection stops and they and many times they would say how can that one time 9 years ago impacting me today right but what but exactly what you were saying what happens is that as soon as we have and it could have happened innocently They had charge. They had energy. They had built up the first night, but they were exhausted. So, they tried having sex on the first night. And because they were exhausted, the spark wasn't there. The energy wasn't there, and they didn't have sex. But now, the fact that they didn't have sex on the first night, when they're ready to try the next time, their mind is just going to, oh, what if it happens like the first night? I was so excited about the first night, but I couldn't perform the first night. I couldn't have sex. I had no energy. It could happen again. If it happens again, then the person would get upset. Oh, I think maybe I should not even try. And then they don't try. And now this is two nights that it hasn't happened. That becomes three, that becomes four, that becomes 6 months, 8 months. And and then what we're trying to overcome is so deep that becomes so problematic. We need to be more empathetic when it doesn't happen few times. We just have to normalize it to say it was low energy, there was hesitance, it's new. The more we normalize it, the less we make it a bigger deal. The more we make it a bigger deal, it becomes really difficult to overcome it. And I think in this case that each time they go back to having sex or they think about it, the pressure of saying, "Oh my god, we haven't done it 8 months." Will >> and will it happen this time? Um, oh my god, what if I don't get an erection because I don't get those feelings? So, she's also waiting to say, "Okay, today it's going to actually happen. Will it lead to sex? Will it just stop at a kiss? There's so much pressure. There's so much um fear and and what happens is that it breaks the arousal circuit. So you don't feel aroused because you're overwhelmed by the pressure and in all probability you're only you know that being present that you were talking about the kama sutra and you can speak more about it. We always that's where we work on about the mindfulness about being present because rather than getting aroused by our partner's body our partner's feel our partner's voice we are in our head and [clears throat] it's the word we call it is spectatoring we are outside our body and mind and we're looking and saying why erection why erection are you feeling I feeling did you get an erection are you having the feeling are you feeling it are you not so we are actually outside. We're not present. We are not really feeling the touch. We're not really feeling the body. We are just looking at it from the outside. And so because there's no connection, there's no feeling. >> Made it made it into a test. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. So yeah, you know, when you were saying about the kamutra, the fact that it says that you need to build this up for a good joyous love making. So you would do lots of different activities. It doesn't matter how long it takes, but the idea is to be present with each other. Not that, okay, I'm going to try this. Okay, let me just try this quickly. Hopefully, it'll happen. Oh, I don't I don't want to feel guilty about it. I don't want to do this again. Instead, if you were to actually spend that time, spend that time talking to each other, spend that time telling each other's stories, spend that time um, you know, I don't know, cooking together, going hiking together, all that time that makes you feel like this is really good. This is the person I want to be with. And then that builds it up slowly. Especially if you perceive that there is a problem there, you're going to build it up slowly to that point. And then you you know that's where you're present with your partner. You're actually there and then you move forward rather than saying okay I'm going to kiss you. Did I get an erection or not? Damn, it hasn't happened. >> Or am I going to kiss you? Oh, did I think about my girlfriend in this kiss? Or which one came? Oh, this one came or now the girlfriend is here. Oh [ __ ] it's not going to happen. Rather than that kiss felt nice, those lips were beautiful. That tongue felt warm. Oh, I now let me that hand is going over my back. This back feels really nice. Rather than focusing on how we are feeling now, how we are feeling with that touch. That touch is feeling good. That touch is feeling warm. That touch is feeling cold. I like that tingling feeling. rather than staying with the feeling in the moment. You know, that's what builds the arousal is when we are present and we can feel we can feel the temperature, the tension, the touch, all of that, the smell. But if we are then rather than being present, then we're not noticing if the tongue, you know, if the kiss was warm, cold, the breath, we are in our head thinking, oh, you know, this is coming back. It's not going to happen tonight. Now she's going to be upset. Then both of us will be upset. Then what will I have to do tomorrow? You you gone. >> Um so you can be physically in a relationship with somebody but in your head you're in a relationship with somebody else. >> I mean it literally feels like that and it's so it is so not going to fix anything. >> Yeah. >> Absolutely. So I think what I want to ask you as a last question because I've been listening very carefully to what you've just said because we answer this question so often and I've been thinking back to what he actually wrote to us and I'm now starting to wonder that this disconnect that he's talking about this uh thing that I don't feel this much attraction for my wife and I'm thinking back so much to how much attraction there was to my ex and so on. Is this disconnect coming from the fact that he is constantly obsessing about his exartner because his mind is inhabited totally with the exartner and he's not giving it any space for this relationship to grow or do you think it's coming from the fact that he wasn't emotionally mature enough to have entered this relationship because it could be either right >> or both or neither you know as in I think if if this was a person in therapy with us, we would be exploring these multiple arenas of where to go to, right? We would be trying to figure out is it that something happened in the past relationship and there's pain from it or there is hurt from it or um they blame themselves for it and because they have uh not processed it or not worked through it. uh those patterns are impacting the relationship today. So once again coming from self-reflection not commenting on the other person. So are there things that you feel you didn't do right and now those are impacting or is there something happening in the relationship the current relationship where very easily you're projecting it to the idea that I'm remembering the exartner and that's why you know so a lot of times there might be issues within the current relationship but we are not ready to deal with it they might be uncomfortable so we project it onto other issues. It's very convenient to say, "Oh, I keep thinking about my ex-girlfriend and that's why this is not happening." Uh because I think facing reality about the issues in the current relationship could be very hard, you know, to face or come to reality. So sometimes we also project it. But so if you if this person was in therapy with us, we would be we would have taken a history of what happened in the past relationship, what's happening, what's working in the current relationships, what is not working in the current relationships, how should we work on the current relationships and and really keep it to the present. you know um what we can bring to our present is patterns but bringing past people into the current relationships is never helpful and I agree with you wholeheartedly. I think that we have an idea in our heads that if you want to feel a desire, if you want to feel attracted, you've got to make it happen. Like you've got to chase it, you've got to force it, you've got to align it so that it happens for you. And we forget that it actually starts with literally just spending time with each other with an open mind. You know, my advice to you would be stop worrying about what is happening or not happening. Whether you've had 8 months of intimacy or not had 8 months of intimacy, whether you feel that you're getting sexual feelings from looking at her or being with her or not, but that's not happening. Literally just go and spend time together. Be curious about her. You know, have a meal together without discussing the meals that you had with your ex or without thinking about them. Um, go out for a hike together. But I always think going hiking together is a great way to um connect with each other. But go and do that and focus on the feeling of enjoyment that you get from that. If you kiss, think of how pleasant that kiss feels. Like you were just saying, think of be be there in the present. Think of how good that kiss felt rather than worrying about what a past kiss felt like. actually spend time with each other trying to discover all the things that you like about each other rather than worrying about what isn't happening. >> Yeah. And I really have fun with each other. The more the fun, the more present you are. Um the more you will actually engage with this person, discover them, allow them to discover you. And you know what you can speak about them is that this is the issue that I'm having sexually in the sense of my mind starts wandering. Can you help me bring can we play some music? Can we focus on each other? If you feel like my head has gone somewhere else like bring me back laugh about it, joke about it. So the thing is the more we keep it in the fun realm, the easier it becomes to get engaged. The more we make it this is such a big issue you know once again it becomes an issue then the pressure comes in. So focus on fun make it lighthearted be light with each other and get your partner to help you uh and help each other and the more you do that the easier it will become. I just want to end on a very personal story that years ago obviously it's very long ago now um I was desperately in love with somebody. Oh my god, I couldn't think beyond this guy. I lived breathed at that was him in my head all the time. And then we broke up and for months I just literally I couldn't think beyond him. It felt like my entire life would go just dreaming about this guy. remembering him and then one day he disappeared out of my head. Literally I forgot I forgot everything you know and um sort of a few months later he rang me. You know in those days we used to have those landlines and there were no mobiles and I didn't recognize his voice. I'd forgotten him that much and he was so offended that he never of course called me back after that. But the point I'm trying to make is that we always feel that the X in your head is such a big thing. But the X in your head is only there till you give them space. Honestly, it doesn't matter how much you think you're in love with somebody, it passes. You forget them and you move on to other things. >> I would actually I would like I would do a quiz with something and I'm obviously not saying like an X of 5 days or one year, but now like if you would look back, you would have images that you remember once again, images that gave you pleasure. I do. Yeah. So, you would remember, but you wouldn't remember them exactly or what you would remember the setting, the place, the person of moments that gave you pleasure. When you think about the past, right? It's not going to be like, oh, I remember this or I remember that. One of the things that I remember so vividly and maybe too much information, but I will tell you anyway. Um, I remember always putting on my nicest lingerie for him. And I remember I'd get so excited about showing him that new bra that like I had gone and buy really beautiful ones to show him as well. And I still remember he'd be like, "Yeah." And [clears throat] but it was me like I wanted to do that and it is a habit that I have developed ever since. I like beautiful daughter. >> Yeah. >> I liked certain ways that they were able to kiss. Nothing to do with them anymore. But Mina, >> but what we need to remember is is is that it gave you pleasure, >> right? It wasn't so much about the so the other person might have you might have felt aroused by like they might have felt aroused by that or something like that. But then that's in your library you know your library is when I wear beautiful lingerie I feel aroused. So you go back to now we can go back to this and say oh my exboyfriend expected me to wear beautiful lingerie so now I'm remembering my ex-boyfriend each time I wear lingerie please distinguish it's you are wearing it because it gave you pleasure and you realize so somebody might have made you realize or given it to your library and that's okay thank you to them for doing it but that doesn't mean you're you know It's them. It's you and what gave you pleasure and what continues to give you pleasure. >> So I think we will wrap up by literally saying that um it's not you know when we obsess about a past relationship it's because we've put it into our head and we're thinking about it. So if you actually want to move on you need to stop obsessing about it. You need to be more in the present and you need to actually think about this relationship and what is happening rather than what happened in the past. It is literally about making that effort and it is an effort but it is in your hands. >> And good luck. We hope this video helped you and you can implement some things that we suggested um and uh you know keep sending your questions if there are more. >> Absolutely. If you need to get in touch with Anita uh for therapy or for consultation, she is on >> my website is cultureandapy.co.uk. >> And if you need to [cough] write to me about your questions, I am on info.sema.andgmail.com. We will try and do our best to respond to whatever you write and you know whichever number of questions that uh we can manage. If you enjoyed this particular um chat, please do comment, like, subscribe and until we meet again, take care. [music] [music]