Video summary
Chris Bumstead emphasizes that choosing a partner begins with understanding what energy one projects into the world, rather than simply listing desired traits. He explains the concept of attraction through his own experience meeting Courtney, noting that she was drawn to him because he authentically shared raw emotions in an early YouTube video about overcoming fear and hospitalization. This moment demonstrated that being true to oneself attracts people who resonate with that genuine energy, whereas putting on a facade or chasing societal goals leads to relationships built on illusions rather than reality. Bumstead argues that if one tries to hide their authentic self to please others, they will inevitably end up in a relationship where the partner loves a version of them that does not exist, creating an exhausting dynamic for both parties. A central theme of his advice is the importance of feeling safe enough to be a "burden" to one's partner without fear of rejection or judgment. Bumstead describes how Courtney creates an environment where he can express vulnerability, such as crying in the bathroom or sharing feelings of inadequacy, knowing she will not leave but instead offer support and love unconditionally. He illustrates this with anecdotes about strangers feeling comfortable opening up around her due to her selfless nature, suggesting that a healthy relationship functions like a "circle of love" where burdens are shared rather than divided and conquered individually. This safety allows partners to be their most broken selves while still receiving strength from one another, fostering deep emotional intimacy without the need for constant performance or maintaining an artificial masculine frame at all times. Bumstead also addresses common misconceptions about masculinity in relationships, specifically challenging the idea that a strong man must always appear confident and dominant even when feeling down. He advises women to understand that encouraging their partners to share negative emotions is actually teaching them a new way to exemplify strength and confidence. By validating feelings of sadness or self-doubt rather than judging them, a partner helps build trust and allows the other person to grow into a better version of themselves within the safety of the relationship. He notes that while everyone operates on different spectrums between being overly emotional ("a puddle") and hyper-masculine, finding a balance is essential; however, he stresses that proving one's reliability during moments of weakness builds lasting trust, ensuring that vulnerability does not equate to incompetence in the eyes of their partner. The discussion concludes with Bumstead reflecting on how these principles have transformed his life and relationship, transforming what could be an exhausting pursuit of perfection into a journey of mutual growth. He highlights that while society often pressures men to suppress emotions or maintain specific appearances for attraction triggers like being a "protector" or "provider," true connection comes from accepting each other's full humanity. His story serves as evidence that authenticity and emotional honesty are the foundations of lasting love, where partners support each other through life's challenges without expecting anything in return but shared growth. Ultimately, he suggests that finding someone who allows you to be your best self while protecting your raw emotions is a rare gift that literally changes one's world for the better.
Read the full video transcript
about your wife you
said being with someone who allows
others to be their best selves in your
presence will quite literally change the
world around you I get to wake up beside
that someone every day and every night I
go to sleep with more reason to be
grateful for you you will always be my
life's greatest
blessing what's your advice for choosing
a good partner I think that sounds like
the summary that everybody wants to to
to do that but you know so many
relationships don't seem to have that
positive dynamic in it so what was it
about Courtney that made you choose her
or are there any uh fundamental
principles that you think people should
be looking out
for I would say before what you're
looking at for it's what you're putting
out you know the law I don't understand
the Law of Attraction exactly how it is
but what you put out you
attract if you're being your authentic
self are both word today you're being
your true self you're speaking about
what's really important to you you're
putting out the energy that you care
about that you want to get back into the
world and you're being real you're going
to get that back if you're putting on a
show and you're chasing these
inauthentic goals that are for other
people or to keep up with Society or
pressures or parents or whatever it
might be you're going to start
attracting people who are attracted to
those goals and that energy which isn't
your real self rather than who you
really are and the incredible thing of
how me and Courtney met was I put out my
first like YouTube video crying
talking about something really emotional
that I had gone through the year I was
in the hospital talking about a really
scary time how how fearful I was being
really raw like first time ever talking
about it therapy session on camera
crying and she saw that and she's like
wow this guy is different like I've
never like this guy just came second in
the Olympia and he's put out a video
crying about like his emotions going
through this like that's different I
like that and then she reached out to me
and that's how we That's What attracted
to us it was that energy of authenticity
and emotion and rawness and realness
that attracted us together and that was
the foundation of our relationship of
how we were going to build things going
forward so I think instead of what I was
looking for it was what I was putting
out in that moment and she was attracted
to it because that's who she is you know
when I say she she's the light that lets
everyone be their best selves you know
she's the type of person where I'll go
to the bathroom and come out and someone
will be crying and it'll be like or the
store clerk checking out her groceries
is telling her about her child who XYZ
and all the I'm like how I'm like what
are you she like I didn't say anything
people just tell me all their stuff I'm
like it but it's beautiful people just
feel so safe and comfortable around her
because she's such an amazing Like
Loving selfless person it's just who her
it's her nature and she doesn't need to
be anything other than that it's just
all who she's always been and I just
love that and I I'm like the protector
of that energy because she gives out so
much so I try and like protect her and
then in the confines of our home she
gives me the space to be myself and be
my raw self of what she saw and protects
me in there it's so funny
that if you tried to be somebody else
the person that ended up making you a
better version of you wouldn't have even
been interested like if you tried to put
on some sort of a show if that video
hadn't been there if you kept on closing
down your emotions that was the very
thing that she was going to be most
attracted to I think this is one of the
problems again with the jovic Nadal
federa way that this is the way that
you're supposed to attract we understand
what it is that women are attracted to
and I'm like maybe on average but but
you can only put on a facade for so long
yeah and everyone's different yeah
you're going to end up in a relationship
with somebody that loves you for not you
and it's going to be exhausting yeah
some people might not like that version
of Courtney a lot of women might think
I'm I would be overly emotional and weak
or something and that that's fine but
they're not for you but they're not and
you're not for them yeah and I think one
of the cool things I've discovered in
our relationship was your ability to be
a burden to your partner is important
like for you to feel safe to be a burden
to your partner and for them to still
show up and love you and then you're
like oh wow like I don't need to give
you anything in return you're not
expecting anything in return I can put
my burdens on you and you love me that
makes me feel safe and love you so when
you put your burns on me I'll do the
same it just becomes this like burning
Circle of Love You know it's just I I
feel like that's such an important thing
to find someone who you just feel safe
being a burden to you're not going to
intentionally be a burden but if you
it's you're sometimes you suck you know
sometimes you're a burden and if you
don't even feel safe being like that
around your partner you have to just
withhold things from them and put on
that show you're never going to feel
like safe around them and you're not
going to want want to be there for them
as much when they're being a burden as
well just become these two people
dividing and conquering all your
problems rather than taking on the world
together I really like that idea
that here I am not fully competent
slightly broken in need of help oh and
you're still here yeah you didn't leave
yeah yeah that's pretty beautiful what
do you wish more women knew about how
they can help their man become a better
version of himself because it seems like
Courtney is very much able to do that
for
you what do I wish more women knew yeah
I think the relationship that you guys
have which is very open and emotionally
honest seems to be one that a lot of
women would want M uh obviously guys too
but uh I don't hear a massive amount of
advice for women about how they can
cultivate an environment that allows a
man to be to flourish emotionally in the
way that you are what do you wish more
women knew about how they could help
their man be more emotional safely
that's a good
question I think being able to
both understanding for the woman to be
able to express in an honest way and she
has to believe this that like I was
talking about how like TR confidence is
truth you know you might want a strong
man up white night on his horse but if
he's not how he feels if he's not really
that person then he's not really
confident he's just putting on a facade
to please you so if you can truly show
him and share with him and communicate
with him that even when he's feeling
down and when he feels low when he feels
emotional and all that you think him
being able to share that with you is
actually confidence and strength which
men want to always exemplify you're
teaching him a new way to exemplify that
strength that he wants to be and even if
it's only within the confines of you two
no one else needs to know about it but
you tell him like when you share it with
me that you feel like that you're
emotional that you hate yourself that
you don't think you can do this when you
share that with me I think you're strong
like I think you're capable
and I I think you're strong just for
sharing that not because I know you can
overcome it but just for saying that out
loud that's strength and the man who be
like wow like you know the woman
has to believe that you know those are
my beliefs that sharing that is strong
and there's a lot of things where I
would still feel judged and nervous to
say how I feel on online on on a podcast
with hundreds of thousands of people
listening but to her to my wife no you
know I feel I share something with her
and she's going to always see me as
who I am and it's strong to share and
that I'm safe to do so it's strange that
a lot of people would feel more
comfortable sharing that stuff with
somebody that wasn't their
partner that or what if they change the
way that they see me this isn't holding
a masculine frame this isn't being the
protector provider dominant Alpha that
I'm supposed to be or need to be in
order to be able to keep her attraction
triggers or whatever it is going yeah
it's sad it is it is sad and you it's
everything's in moderation and balance
in its life you know you can't be a
puddle on the floor 24 hours a day you
can't be a puddle on the floor 24 hours
a day you know there
there where where are your weaknesses
are you always a strong masculine person
you can't show it are you always a
puddle on the floor and you need to work
on being more masculine there so one way
or the other you got to find that
balance and everyone's on a different
end of the spectrum and everyone's
partner will want a different spectrum
and then you just got to find the person
that fits in there and obviously over
the years now I've proven to Courtney
that in those moments where I've broken
down and feel like I'm worthless and
can't do something I've risen up and
done it and I've always shown up to I've
always stepped up to the plate I've
always been what she needed I've always
done what I needed to do and I've proven
to her that no matter how crumbled I
feel in the moment I've still become a
better man and grown whether or not I've
accomplished what I've wanted I've still
grown been a better man and shown up for
her where and when I could so she has
the trust in me now whatever weakness I
show her there will be strength too you
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