Video summary
The podcast addresses a common relationship dilemma where one partner desires immediate commitment while the other prefers to let things unfold day by day, framing this discrepancy primarily as an issue of incompatibility rather than a fixable flaw in character. The speaker argues that navigating fundamental differences—such as lifestyle preferences like partying versus early bedtimes—is inherently tense and often unsustainable unless there is deep emotional investment or children involved; otherwise, it is far more efficient to find a partner whose natural rhythms align with one's own. Consequently, the hesitation to commit from the female side in an early relationship stage is flagged not necessarily as a red flag but as a significant "amber flag" indicating that she may not be ready for what he offers, suggesting that continuing indefinitely without resolution could lead to stagnation or oblivion rather than growth. To resolve this discordance, the speaker advises men who are genuinely ready to commit to setting a personal deadline after which their current level of non-commitment becomes unacceptable to them. This approach shifts the dynamic from trying to persuade an uninterested partner to recognizing that there is no need for one person to convince another to love them if both parties share similar intentions and readiness levels. The core lesson here is that relationships thrive when partners are on the same wavelength, eliminating the exhausting necessity of acting out a persona or filling silences with forced conversation just to maintain peace. Instead, the goal should be to identify someone who allows for complete authenticity, where one can speak freely without censorship and sit in silence comfortably, signaling a deep resonance between two individuals. The discussion further explores the fear that an authentic self might be rejected as unworthy of love, asserting instead that every person deserves acceptance from the right partner simply by being themselves. The speaker emphasizes that falling in love with someone who loves only the role or persona one plays is hollow; such affection amounts to praise for a performance rather than genuine connection with the individual's true sense of self-being. By consistently showing their authentic selves, even if it leads to rejection from those not meant to be partners, individuals filter out relationships based on superficial traits and eventually find someone who loves them for who they truly are without requiring them to mute internal monologues or perform little dances just to elicit a giggle over dinner. However, the concept of authenticity is nuanced by the necessity of personal development regarding behaviors that might be genuinely harmful or undesirable, such as chronic flatulence used as an example of something one should transcend rather than embrace unconditionally. The speaker suggests distinguishing between core aspects of identity that are non-negotiable and habits or traits that can be improved upon through alchemy—transcending them to include a better version of oneself in the relationship dynamic. Ultimately, the path to lasting love involves holding onto those who accept one's true self while letting go of others, ensuring that the resulting bond is built on real affection rather than praise for a curated image. This philosophy extends beyond romantic compatibility to encompass the broader human experience where we often wear masks at work or around family; finding a partner removes this drain and allows life to be lived without constant performance.
Read the full video transcript
If a girl says she wants to take our
relationship day by day, how should I
approach this?
It does sound
quite a lot to me like a lack of
commitment.
And
by the way you framed your question, I'm
going to guess that you would be happy
to just straight up commit. That you
wouldn't need to take it day by day.
that you would be happy to
say where you want it to be, where you
want it to end up, and then do the
things in order to get there without
having to let it sort of emerge or
unfold.
And
one of the things I've kind of come to
believe about relationships, a lot of
disagreements like this, like you're
having to navigate this weird
discordance. I assume she wants a thing
and you want a different thing and you
now have to be the person and so does
she in some regard. You know, she could
ask the same question. Uh if a boy says
he wants me to commit to a long-term
plan, uh but I want to take it day by
day, how should I approach this? Right?
There's sort of two sides to this.
Ultimately, I've kind of come to believe
that this is just incompatibility.
Right? If what you want is a girl who
says she wants to take the relationship
the same way that you do and then you
don't have to navigate anything. This
sort of lesson that it's far easier to
get a partner who compensates for our
shortcomings than it is to fix them.
Right? Let's say that you're the sort of
person who likes to go out partying
three nights a week. you love uh raves
and and late nights and and seeing DJs
play and stuff and your partner is
someone who likes to be in bed by 9:00
p.m. There is going to be conflict
because what you want and what they want
are different and you have to navigate
that and it's going to be a course of
tension.
Now, if you're in deep and there's kids
or you know something you just love this
person for all of the other reasons then
maybe that's one price that you need to
pay. But like, let's be honest here. It
would just be way easier to find
somebody that also wants to go to bed at
9:00 p.m. every night. Or it would be
easier for them to find someone that
wants to go out clubbing every night.
And
I would be cautious, especially given
she wants to take it day by day. That
suggests that it's an early
relationship.
Not a red flag, but it's a pretty big
amber flag for me because it suggests
that you're in a place ready to commit
that she isn't. And I would set yourself
a deadline so that you don't just mana
mñana mana this into oblivion. There are
so many girls out there. How many girls
that are listening to this show right
now would love a guy to say, "I am ready
to commit to you. I'm just ready to
commit. I You don't need to persuade me.
I'm just ready to go." Let me tell you,
Rob, [ __ ] tons. Okay?
You don't need to convince. You
shouldn't need to convince somebody
to commit to you even in the beginning
if you are ready to commit as well. Like
your goal is to find somebody who's on
the same wavelength as you. So, uh set a
deadline after which your level of
non-commmitment would be unacceptable to
you. And then if that happens, there are
an awful lot of women out there, many of
whom are listening to this show right
now, who would [ __ ] snap your hand
off to be the person that commits to
them. Advice for men who crave a female
partner but are terrified that their
authentic self will be rejected or isn't
worthy of love. Oh, that's good.
I kind of said it earlier on. Your goal
your goal really in relationships is to
find the person around whom you can be
your most you you feel most like
yourself. You're not self-censoring. I
guess it's two it's two ends. You feel
like you can say
things without censorship as freely as
possible and you feel like you can sit
in silence and not need to fill it. If
you have both of those things, you are
pretty resonant with that person, right?
You are in
you're vibing with them. They are on the
same sort of level as you. And that's
wonderful because we have to put on
all kinds of acts and personas to get
through our day-to-day existence. We
have to behave differently at work and
in meetings and around our parents. And
that's exhausting a lot of the time. And
if you can't even be yourself around
your partner, I fear that it's such a
huge drain
on you. And what's what does it teach
you? It teaches you the lesson. I cannot
be myself anywhere.
Like if I can't be myself with my
long-term partner that I'm supposed to
be that's supposed to see me and love me
for who I am. So again, it comes back to
what I said earlier on this
compatibility thing. If you can't be
yourself around your partner, just find
someone that you can. So advice for men
who crave a female partner but are
terrified that their authentic self
would be rejected or isn't worthy of
love. Your authentic self will be
accepted and is worthy of love just from
the right woman. And your goal is to
continue to show your your authentic
self over and over again so that every
single person who it is not for rejects
you or you reject them. That should be
your goal. Your goal should be as many
rejections as possible from you or from
them while showing your authentic self
because it means the person if you're
not showing your authentic self, the
person who would have loved you is not
going to because you're not showing up
as you and the person who ends up loving
you does not love you because you
haven't [ __ ] shown yourself. It's
like so it's such basic maths that when
you realize if you play a role, the
person that you're with doesn't fall in
love with you and their love doesn't
ever actually come into contact with
your sense of self-being because you
know that it's not love, it's praise.
They're praising this role that you're
playing. Oh, well done for doing the
little act that made me giggle over
dinner. But what you know is that that
joke wasn't actually what you meant to
say. You had this other monologue in the
back of your mind that you muted and
then you did this little performance.
You did this little dance and they
giggled and you gave yourself like kind
of a congratulation but it's so hollow
because it's not love. It's praise. And
your goal should be to be your authentic
self over and over again and be rejected
or reject as many times as possible
until you find the person that you can
be your authentic self around. And then
you do everything in your power to hold
on to them. That's the way to do it. I
think as the not married person 37, um
I think it is. And
that's when I feel happiest as well,
when I'm being my authentic self. So
hopefully that
I guess the the one caveat here is there
is such a thing as your authentic self
kind of being an [ __ ] and that
requires you to do some personal
development. Your authentic self, you
say, you know, I'm a farter. I've always
been a farter. I'm going to continue. My
daddy was a farter. My son will be a
farter. I'm a fartter
because I'm a farter. I'm going to make
sure on my first date that I'm I'm my
authentic self. I'm going to fart my way
through this first date. It's like, ah,
maybe you should get rid of that. Maybe
that's not the best place for your
authenticity to come out. Maybe actually
that's a part of you that you need to
improve. And
you need to work out what are the areas
that you do not want to compromise on
that you feel are very close to your
sense of self. And what are the areas
where you think, "Huh,
this person who accepts a lot of the
bits of me, but doesn't accept that bit
of me, I actually don't like that bit of
me either, and they're getting me to
transcend it and include it and
alchemize and move past it. Wouldn't
that be wonderful?" So, hopefully that
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