Video summary
In this discussion regarding Jonah Hill's recent controversy over his ex-partner posting abusive texts, Sadia Khan and Chris emphasize that setting boundaries is essential for maintaining healthy relationships, particularly for men who may struggle with low self-esteem. The speakers argue that many individuals enter partnerships in an "awestruck" state, ignoring red flags or unacceptable behaviors because they are eager to secure love and attention. Over time, as emotional attachment deepens, these suppressed concerns begin to scream internally until the individual eventually explodes into controlling behavior. This dynamic often manifests when a person has allowed their partner to become attached under one set of rules before suddenly demanding new boundaries that contradict those initial agreements, effectively undoing the foundation they helped build. The conversation highlights a significant disconnect between early relationship dynamics and later expectations, noting that Jonah Hill's situation illustrates how core beliefs formed in adolescence can persist into adulthood despite external success or "glow-ups." Even if an individual achieves high status by age twenty-five or thirty-five, their internal sense of worth may still feel like that of a fourteen-year-old boy who feels inadequate. Consequently, they attempt to micromanage relationships and issue ultimatums not out of malice but as a fear tactic born from deep insecurity. The speakers caution against labeling this behavior immediately as abuse; instead, they suggest it is often an extreme manifestation of inadequacy where the individual lashes out because their insecurities have been triggered by their partner's lifestyle or past. A major point of disagreement arises regarding the timing and nature of the ex-partner's public response to Jonah Hill's texts. While some observers view her actions as a necessary exposure of toxic behavior, Sadia Khan argues that exposing someone publicly after a year has passed is more abusive than acting in the moment when genuinely seeking help for an immediate crisis. She contends that delaying such revelations until later suggests premeditation and narcissistic motives rather than a cry for assistance. Furthermore, she points out that by pigeonholing herself as a victim of sexual crime or domestic abuse to garner public support, the ex-partner may be engaging in self-indulgence similar to a narcissist, thereby undermining true accountability on both sides of the relationship. The dialogue also addresses the messy reality of celebrity relationships and social media dynamics, where screenshots from August 2022 are often misinterpreted as recent events due to how they are shared online. The speakers note that Jonah Hill has reportedly been doing significant self-work with a therapist following his documentary on Netflix, yet there remains an inherent limit to how much progress can be made if the root cause of low self-esteem is not fully resolved. Ultimately, while acknowledging that Jonah's behavior was inappropriate and damaging, they conclude that using strong terms like "abuse" requires careful consideration because it implies malicious intent rather than a struggle with deep-seated insecurity. The consensus suggests that both parties are trapped in cycles where one seeks validation through victimhood or control, making the situation complex but ultimately rooted in unresolved personal trauma rather than clear-cut villainy.
Read the full video transcript
you are someone who operates at the
intersection of trauma relationships
give me your thoughts on the Jonah Hill
situation right so I'm all about
boundaries I'm a very big advocate of
having boundaries and I think it's
something particularly men need to
exercise in order to maintain their
masculinity and their dominance in some
regards of the relationships not in
every regard but in some leadership
skills you need boundaries we need
boundaries with everybody in our lives
it's nothing unhealthy about having
boundaries but here's a problem that not
just Jonah a lot of men have and this
particularly happens amongst men with
low self-esteem so this is why you'll
see men who with really low self-esteem
they what happens is in the beginning
stages of relationships they're afraid
to effectively communicate what they
expect in a partner they're so in awe of
their partner and they're just so
excited to have a partner that they
forget their own standards of what is
acceptable and unacceptable Behavior so
they go into the relationship
recognizing that this woman may have
certain characteristics that they won't
be comfortable with in the long run but
because they're low self-esteem and
their ego is craving attention and love
they ignore their boundaries but
boundaries always just like when you eat
badly and you eat something unhealthy it
catches up on your body when you have
unhealthy boundaries it catches up on
your emotional connections and
eventually what happens is a person as
they get more and more attached they the
boundary starts screaming at them the
things that they ignore the red flags
that they ignored and not comfortable
with start screaming at them and then
they explode and as a result it does
come across as controlling Behavior what
I found so interesting is the internet
was so divided there's all these men
being like yeah come on set boundaries
this is what modern women are like
here's what modern men are like they
take women that they're so excited about
and so in aurob it can all of the red
flags and they beg her to abide by their
boundaries so you'll see men dating
girls who are like only fans or the
Instagram pictures of bikinis they're
begging these girls to take them on a
date or begging these girls to be with
them the moment they get into a
relationship then they want to exercise
boundaries it's too late you signed an
imaginary contract the day you invested
in each other that you accept each other
for who they are now that your
insecurities are creeping in you don't
have the right to now undo the damage
that you set the foundations for is what
I was thinking what were you thinking
Chris I'm actually really interested to
know what you think about this situation
I actually don't know what you think
yeah so I think first off the internet's
response is way more interesting than
the actual situation because it really
does it's like that uh image of the
dress where some people saw black and
blue and some people saw gold and green
or something yeah people are seeing very
different uh scenarios here from my side
I I think your assessment's really
accurate which is setting boundaries and
having these sorts of concerns or
limitations around a relationship are
broadly acceptable the difference is if
you establish a routine and you allow
somebody to be become attached with one
particular set of rules and then over
time as your feelings for them get
involved and you have to
you're right it's almost like the the
boundaries
um are very difficult for you to ignore
because of how much you care about the
other person and you know Jonah Hill
has had a glow up I mean he looks very
he's a very different looking dude now
as a skinny guy compared with is a
really really fat guy but he's you know
he's risen in status a lot over the last
sort of 10 to 15 years definitely
wouldn't have had a lot of status as he
was coming up so self-esteem I imagine
he's going to be a massive problem for
him and I can completely see
why he would feel insecure about these
things
the problem is allowing a partner to get
into a rhythm of a relationship
and this is what most guys that have
been commenting on this I think have got
right which is it is completely within
your rights to say these are the things
that I don't want my partner to do is it
a bit cringe does it suggest that you've
got low self-esteem does it suggest that
you are maybe a little bit overly
sensitive that you could do with doing a
little bit of self work all of these
things yes yes yes yes yes yes yeah but
by allowing yourself to get into a
relationship to establish a particular
rhythm with them and then to kind of do
this Switcheroo change I don't know how
long they've been together but it was
quite a while that I think is where
that's what really causes a problem
because this wouldn't have been a story
if during the first six weeks of dating
each other Jonah Hill had said look
these are the things that I feel
uncomfortable about how do you feel
about this what everybody is noticing is
the uh change the the pivot in Direction
and chances that they had that
conversation early she would have said
well I agree with you I'm not the
partner for you because I'm a surfing
instructor this is what I do for a
living I completely respect your
boundaries I I will I respect what you
have to say and then we can part ways
but to do it later on when you finally
got the confidence is basically selling
a full sense of yourself to your partner
and unfortunately this is what a lot of
men when they have the glow up and same
with women when they have the glove our
self-esteem is pretty much established
by the time we're 14 15 years old so
your childhood experiences and your high
school experiences tell you what your
self-esteem are so when you are 25 35
you might look great but you're still
that 14 year old boy that can't believe
you've got this surfing model to have
sex with you so what happens is you let
the things slide and then you realize
that she you're you're not good enough
because your core belief still sees you
as that 14 year old guy and you think in
order to feel like your relationship's
more secure you have to control it to
make the everything feel more secure you
feel like micromanaging micromanaging
but the reality is it's all down to the
boundaries you accepted in the beginning
and doesn't mean that okay I understand
things people change and you might need
to change up the parameters of your
relationship but you shouldn't be making
ultimatums ultimatums nobody really
respects because truly most people who
make ultimatums aren't really going to
do anything if you don't abide by them
it's ultimatums is a way it's a fear
tactic it's scare your partner into
submission whereas when you have kind of
established that you will leave whenever
the boundaries are crossed you don't
need to make ultimatums you just watch
their behavior you let them know what
you prefer but you let watch their
behavior accordingly and then you leave
accordingly but ultimatums are almost a
cry for help what do you think about the
people saying that this is abuse
on which part where because the messages
the Restriction of you I don't want you
to have
um photos of you in a bikini with your
ass out I don't want you to be surfing
with guys I don't want you to have
friendships with people from your recent
like wild past
uh I would be very cautious of using the
word abuse even though I don't agree
with Jonah I think it is an extreme
um attempt to kind of vilify his actual
what I see as a cry for help when we
have intense insecurities it then
manifests itself as controlling Behavior
but that controlling behavior is a
direct correlation to how attached they
are to you and how inadequate they feel
about the relationship for either
because of their self-esteem or how
you've made them feel so when we use the
word abuse I would be careful of using
that because abuse
um signals that that person is doing it
maliciously consciously and has been
doing it throughout the relationship but
what this may have been in is his
insecurities got the best of him and he
lashed out in a way that it isn't
appropriate but I would be mindful of
the word abuse what do you think do you
think it's abuse uh I abuse is a very
very strong term and again concept
concept creepers managed to turn
everything into racism or everything
into homophobia or everything into
bigotry and everything into trauma and
abuse I'm not sure what the you know the
definition of it is I think it's it's a
shitty move by Jonah Hill
um and I think that people who have low
self-esteem do loads and loads of
strange things that to them is just
insecurity bubbling inside of them and
like a volcano it cracks out through a
fissure and if the pressure has built
for a long time then that can happen I
haven't watched it but that stutts a
Netflix documentary which I think is
between Jonah and his therapist shows
that that Jonah has been doing a good
bit of self work but if there is this
source code this sort of base layer of
low self-esteem insecurity sense of
insufficiency
it seems like what you're suggesting is
there is an upper bound on how much he's
going to be able to move that even with
a fantastic therapist which I I guess
he'll even feel that you know he'll feel
the discomfort of who am I to be this
world famous actor that feels like he's
insecure around this girl so there's an
awful lot going on yeah but do you think
that her reaction is a bit abusive like
exposing it to the public when we know
that there's many
we're now judging this person already
emotionally vulnerable I would argue
that's more abusive I would argue that
when you know somebody's in the public
eye and um the amount of people that are
now going to judge him and the potential
effect it's going to have in their
career when it could be resolved between
the two of you do you think that's more
abusive and narcissistic more abusive
and narcissistic that is a that's a
really interesting one
certainly the timing of it seems strange
the Jonah and his new fiance have just
had a child
the ex-girlfriend said that she had held
this off so that she didn't disrupt the
pregnancy but I mean the choices between
disrupting a pregnancy or disrupting a
newborn so you know like pick your
poison there
um I'm not convinced that it's right to
air this out in this way but then on the
flip side is this a a useful example for
guys who have a low self-esteem to
understand that it is important to
understand how setting boundaries Works
um the the problem that you have is
we're working very very hard to
make the X's
uh motivations for doing this into
something that's like virtuous I think
you know maybe you could say it helps
other girls and women to feel like they
can leave a relationship with a partner
sets on reasonable boundaries but the
point is that these requests weren't
insane they were they were maybe
overbearing insecure and poorly timed
and all of that Nuance gets lost and
it's not it's not even the ex's job to
have a good idea of how public relations
works for some A-list celebrity and to
work out every different permutation of
the second third fourth order effect so
it's it's just as with everything it's
super messy and there's a second set of
screenshots that she just put out that
came out today and those include
um Jonah replying to her saying
uh using screenshots or like replying
with screenshots and posting screenshots
to manipulate me
um makes me feel like [ __ ] that
screenshot is from August 2022 but what
people are doing is they're taking that
screenshot and presuming he's texted her
recently
about this most recent it's not it's due
to her sending back to him his own
screenshots in a private message thread
then there's this other stuff that seems
like he was sexting the ex only maybe
six weeks or a little bit before he
maybe got with the new girl which is now
the baby mama and fiance so it's all
just messy there's misinterpretation I
apologize because then maybe I was
misinformed because me stupidly thought
that they were they were together
recently I didn't know how badly she
timed it so then in that case if I now
know that she was actually his ex for
some time back
um she's the abuser she's a Visa and
this is why she's the abuser if you
react in a moment it's a cry for help if
you react a year for later it's a cry
for attention there's a big difference
when you're crying for help you're
genuinely on your knees and you need
people to know and that moment I can
understand a bit like you know when
you've heard footballers wives expose
them and for abuse but when it's a year
later it's so premeditated and it's such
a way of casting a dark shadow on what
could be a glorious time frame now she's
definitely the abuser in this
relationship what would you say to the
people that would push back
Saudia this is no matter whether it was
one day after or one year after this is
an appropriate opportunity to bring to
light
um poor behavior from a partner in a
relationship this is going to be a
landmark event which explains and shows
to other women about exactly what is and
is not acceptable behavior and this girl
has done a thing which helps the world
to see exactly what this sort of guy is
like and how this woman has dealt with
it and that would be somewhat believable
if she aired this or privately to the
person that she believes he's now in a
relationship with because then there's
no narcissistic reinforcement coming
towards that there is no victim
mentality there is no uh put out a cry
of a public as narcissistic behavior
they love getting everybody to agree
with them there's none of that there's
no Collective mindset it's purely I want
to help and then you could first start
there if that person's not heeding to
your advice and then you go a bit more
public over time I can slightly
understand that but this um it does not
signal that at all so that's why I just
feel like when it's between the two of
you or if it's in the moment I
completely understand but if it's a year
or a time later to expose somebody and
degrade somebody is very different to
expose your own traumas and trying to
seek help the two things are very very
different and it sounds like very
selfish motives what do you think about
that do you think it's do you think it's
selfless I I definitely don't think it's
selfless I think no matter what you
believe this woman has now pigeonholed
herself as either a card-carrying
domestic abuse Survivor a a you know
there's going to be sexual crime
survived like she's going to make
herself a spearhead for um women who
have been mistreated in relationships
and that's that's now this uh lady is
locked onto those train tracks for
probably the next two years of her life
maybe there's a book deal out of it
maybe there's you know her Instagram's
doubled since I last checked it it went
from maybe like sort of the 60k up to I
think it's at 150 now it's going to be
it way more in the future and and it's
important to note that the amount of
um kind of subjective Focus narcissism
involves victim mentality is the same
way the amount you have to kind of focus
on you and prioritize you that is
required in narcissism is exactly the
same in a victim somebody who I over
identifies as a victim displays the same
level of self-indulgence as a narcissist
and which is why I try and get both of
them to remove those labels because
they're not good for either of us they
don't create any responsibility and
accountability on both ends the lack of
accountability and responsibility on
both the victim and narcissists are
almost identical which is why they
require the same level of
self-indulgence and which is why we try
and change it to I wouldn't call her a
victim of abuse I think it's an insult
to people who are actually been abused
to suggest that she's an abuser been
abused but I do think of course Jonah
should have been more mindful when
picking a partner hopefully he's chosen
a partner who does abide by his
boundaries and it's a learning curve we
all go through but I think trying to
Galvanize the public into supporting
your kind of victimhood is the biggest
signal of narcissism we can actually
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