Video summary
The podcast episode centers on a profound reflection derived from a Kurt Vonnegut quote: "We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be." The speaker recounts attending a retreat in California where he met a business owner who had previously run a popular YouTube channel but eventually stopped producing content. When asked why, the creator explained that he began feeling compelled to live up to his public persona in private life as well. This realization led the speaker to analyze the concept of "fake it until you make it," distinguishing between adopting an ideal version of oneself for motivation and becoming tethered by social expectations. He argues that while committing to a worldview or philosophy can provide direction, it also acts like a stake in the ground; if one's private beliefs evolve, the pressure from those accustomed to the previous public iteration creates significant friction. This tension between personal growth and social consistency is illustrated through examples within the health community, specifically regarding dietary shifts. The speaker notes that leading figures of the ex-paleo movement who transitioned into adding fruit or adopting a meat-and-fruit diet faced intense backlash not because their new approaches lacked evidence, but because they had ardently stated different beliefs in the past. This highlights how social incentives often discourage public changes even when private growth occurs. The speaker emphasizes that updating one's worldview is actually a sign of intelligence rather than fickleness, yet unwavering commitment to narrow views can be mistaken for cleverness by those who do not understand nuance. Consequently, changing one's mind publicly often invites attacks from people who view such evolution as unsophisticated, making it increasingly difficult to reverse course the more publicized a change becomes. The discussion provides Alex Okonour as a stark example of these dynamics in action. A vegan driven by ethical concerns regarding animal suffering and philosophical underpinnings, Okonour eventually found his health deteriorating while attempting to maintain a balanced plant-based diet despite his conscientiousness and preparation. Unable to reconcile the challenges posed by his new philosophy with his physical well-being, he made the difficult decision to return to eating meat. Despite having been transparent about this struggle from the start and not seeking financial gain through vegan products, Okonour faced years of castigation on the internet for reversing his stance. The speaker uses this case to underscore that individuals often cannot be compatible with public expectations derived from their own stated ideals, leading them to feel forced to "peel off" a skin they have grown out of simply because others expect it there. The narrative further extends these themes into personal relationships and the scrutiny inherent in social media culture. The speaker admits to keeping his romantic life private due to the immense difficulty of existing for oneself when thousands of observers are watching every move. He recalls how Facebook notifications regarding relationship status used to be a major source of anxiety, where friends would comment on engagements or breakups, effectively turning personal milestones into public performances. This constant observation creates a "digital hijab," as Mary Harrington calls it, forcing individuals to question whether they stay in relationships too long out of fear of judgment or leave them prematurely because they are terrified of what others think. Ultimately, the speaker concludes that true growth requires navigating these external pressures without letting the expectations of those who do not have one's best interests at heart dictate personal choices, a challenge made significantly harder by the permanence and visibility of public declarations.
Read the full video transcript
I told this story a couple of times
about a retreat I went to in California,
but then I saw a Kurt Vonagut quote that
sort of perfectly summarized it, zipped
it down, uh, and it's easier to
remember. So Kurt says, "We are what we
pretend to be, so we must be careful
about what we pretend to be." We are
what we pretend to be, so we must be
careful about what we pretend to be. So,
I'd gone to this retreat in California
and I met a business owner who had a big
YouTube channel that I used to watch a
lot a long time ago. And then I asked
him why he'd stopped making videos and
he said, "I started feeling like I had
to live up to in private the things
which I was saying in public." And I
think about this quite a lot. Um, I've
come to sort of realize there's two
sides to fake it until you make it. And
one is positing an ideal or a better
version of yourself which you're
motivated to live up to due to the need
for social consistency. But that stake
in the ground acts as much like a tether
as it does a finish line. If you commit
yourself to some worldview or life
philosophy, what happens if you stop
agreeing with it? Sure, you might want
everyone you might want to change, but
everybody around you has grown
accustomed to the previous version of
you. And whether it's lifestyle changes
like your dietary approach or your
training methodology or worldview
changes like a religious belief or
political affiliation or personality
changes like commitments to growth or
going sober or changing friend groups,
social consistency bias is a
double-edged sword. A while ago, some of
the leading influences of the ex-paleo
diet movement, then the carnivore
movement, started to add fruit into
their food. And the aptly called meat
and fruit diet, caused uproar, not
because of evidence that the diet is
based on, but because its new proponents
had ardently stated a different belief
in the past, and the change caused the
people around them to feel
uncomfortable. This is the danger. The
social incentives align for you to not
change in public, even if you grow out
of your beliefs in private. Stupid
people see someone changing their mind
as an indication of unsophistication
because they don't understand that
updating your worldview when you grow is
a sign of intelligence, not fickleness.
And that an unwavering commitment to a
narrow worldview is not cleverness, but
a substitute for it. which unfortunately
means that after changing your mind in
public, it often results in you being
attacked by a large number of mostly
stupid people. And the more public you
are about it, the harder it is to
reverse. Perfect example of this. Alex
Okconor goes vegan, is convinced about
the ethics, the philosophical
underpinnings of veganism, does not want
to contribute to animal suffering, but
as a byproduct of that, his health
suffers, and he is struggling to keep
his health to where it needs to be
whilst eating a balanced plant-based
diet. It's not something he says that he
doesn't think you can do, but something
that given
his level of conscientiousness and
preparedness, it was something he was
struggling to do. So his demeanor was
incompatible with the challenges that
his new diet informed by his new
philosophy had given to him. So he went
back to eating
meat. He had to announce in public
something which he had changed in
private. And he got [ __ ] castigated
on the internet for it for ages. I mean,
he's now out the other side. I don't
think anyone really brings it up
anymore, but that was uncomfortable to
watch, especially when you think this
guy's doing it for his health and he
said it. He told you. He, you know, he
made this change and and he told you
about it. He didn't lie. He didn't
continue to get those sweet vegan
dollars if they ever existed.
Uh, he never did that. He told you as
soon as you changed and people still had
a problem with it. So be careful of the
things that you say in private uh not
being able to be compatible with the
expectations people have of you in
public. And um yeah, that stake in the
ground versus finish line. Am I positing
an ideal or am I attaching my selfworth
to an expectation that I'm then going to
have to rip off me? I'm going to have to
sort of peel this [ __ ] skin off me
that everybody else expects. It's
difficult. Personal growth is hard
enough as it is without all of the
expect. It's why, you know, to be
honest, what are we 45 minutes in? I can
talk about this now. It's the reason why
I don't talk about like deeply talk
about my relationships on the show. Uh,
you know, even though I talk about
relationships and dating, uh, and a lot
of the dynamics, it's evidently
something I'm interested in. I'm
obviously, you know, on the path toward
trying to build a family and do all the
rest of the stuff, but I think it's
[ __ ] so hard to have a relationship
full stop. Having a relationship with
even a couple of thousand people
observing it. You remember what it was
like when you used to get the um uh
Chris Williamson is in a relationship
notifications on Facebook or whatever
and you would see it from your friends
and people would be able to like it and
comment on it and so and then it would
tag the other person but then it would
also show Chris Williamson is single.
[ __ ] Like you've only got what I think
thousand friends or something on
Facebook. That was a huge deal. I mean I
don't know maybe I'm speaking depends
how young you are. You might not have
ever seen that on Facebook. That was
[ __ ] revolutionary by the way. bring
back Facebook uh dating [ __ ] but that
was hard. Just doing that was hard. So,
how hard is it when you're posting
photos of you both? And you know, that's
the reason why I've kept that area of my
private life private because again,
you've got this like expectation, the
stake in the ground, additional
scrutiny. Um, you know, do you stay in
relationships for longer than you should
because you're scared about what people
are going to think? Do you leave
relationships more quickly than you
should because you're scared about what
what people are going to think? Like you
just you're never existing for yourself.
You're always existing for this version
of of what people who
don't necessarily have your best
interests at heart think about how you
should behave. And uh yeah, a digital
hijab, as Mary Harrington calls it. Uh
I've got my I've got my digital hijab
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you look at that clip is already over.
But if you want more, don't be sad. The
full episode is available right
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