Understanding the Psychology of Perfectionism - Dr Paul Hewitt

give me a better than most people probably already have working definition of perfectionism. >> Well, first off, a perfectionism is kind of a deeply ingrained personality style uh that people use to kind of navigate their path through life. Um, so we talk about it as a way of being in the world and um it's it's kind of the sense that at the core I'm not enough. That there's something that is uh flawed, defective. I'm not I'm just not enough either to have worth or to be acceptable uh to other people to fit to belong to have a place in the world. And so it's um it's a way of trying to navigate that because when we have that sense of being flawed and defective or I don't fit, we don't just typically say okay that's the way it is. We try to do something about it. We try to rectify it. One of the ways that a person can do that and they learn this often very early in life is that if if I am perfect or if I can appear to others as perfect then I will be acceptable to them. I will be loved. I will be uh cared for. Uh [clears throat] I will belong. I will matter to other people and by virtue of that I will have worth. it will repair this sense of being flawed and defective at the core. So [clears throat] what it is is um this sort of way of navigating the world of trying to conceal imperfections, trying uh yes to be perfect in um in in tasks and activities and that but really it's more of a drive not to be imperfect. So that's kind of what that's kind of the way we understand. >> So the this typical sort of upbringing of somebody that grows up to be a perfectionist uh is love contingent on performance >> and that can be an element of it. Um I I think that what we talk about in terms of the development would be a sense of this is comes from the attachment literature uh that people have probably heard heard the term before um but also some writing uh soft psychoanalytic writing uh on the development of the self by hines cohut and it's the notion that very early on in our lives we develop a sense of um who we are uh uh and a sense of the way other people work in our lives. And so um very often the very early kind of lives of individuals who develop this flawed sense of self or this not fitting is there's what we call an asynchrony or a nonatunement. It's that these basic [clears throat] very human needs to have worth and to be acceptable uh or to to fit and belong uh are not met uh early in the person's life. >> So they they have a sense that I I'm just not enough. There's something wrong with me and they try to navigate that very as I said often very very early in life. So they do have a sense of of uh caregivers or family members or people that are supposed to be caring for them as they're incapable of giving me what I need. They're don't care. They're abusive or um or they just we just miss. We just don't connect. So it's not to say that the parents are to blame or bad. It's just that it's somehow what the child needs is just not attainable in that interaction. That's kind of the essence of attachment. >> And what's the lesson from the burgeoning protoerfectionist? What is the lesson that that child takes away? That I am not getting what I need. Therefore, I need to be more than I am in order to get what I need. If I can be more impressive, less imperfect, then the world might support me and love me in the way that I want. >> Uh, yes, but it's not that sophisticated at that very early age. It's a it's a sense of I I I'm just not enough. I there's something wrong with me and try in some sort of fashion to try to deal with that. And in a way, I mean, in a way, it's a very elegant solution to the pain of that because a child will learn um this sort of sense. Well, if I am perfect or if I can appear to others as if I am perfect or conceal my imperfections, then all of these wonderful things are going to happen. I will be acceptable to others. I'll feel good about myself. I'll have worth uh and I will fit and belong in the world. Now, it's a very childlike solution to the problem. But it but it's very elegant at at that sort of stage of development. Um and it grabs on uh with these people. Sorry, you're going to say something. >> It makes sense if you say that one of the key drivers in a child that is continued into adulthood of a perfectionist is I am not enough. Then the value judgment is if I can be more then I may be enough and more is more perfect in terms of my performance higher in terms of my achievement less in terms of my error and my mistake making >> all of those all of those kind of things that but at the at the basis of it is this sense that yeah [clears throat] I need I need to be more uh and it it's it's a nebulous kind of concept of course. So each person's perfectionism is entirely unique both in terms of how they feel about or how they understand themselves but also how they try to navigate that how they try to be perfect or appear to be perfect in the world. Um so it's quite idiosyncratic in terms of what that kind of looks like for each person. So for some it can be absolutely striving and driving and trying to do lots of things. For many people it's a concern with that but paralysis. They don't really do anything. Uh but they have this internal sort of dialogue this sense of this is what I should be doing. I need to be doing this in order to solve the problem. But but there's just paralysis that exists. What does it feel like to live inside a perfectionist's mind? >> Uh abusive, harsh, critical. I mean, you're there there's a component uh of perfectionism that we call the uh the intraindividual or the self- relational component. And the way to think about it is [clears throat] Chris, just like you can have a a way of relating to other people and it's a stylistic way, you know, you're you're open, you're kind, you talk to people, you listen carefully, and that's a style you have of relating to other people. Just like you can have that style with others, there's a style we have of relating to the self. And often we don't kind of think of it that way. Um but one of the ways to kind of capture the nature of the relationship a person has with themselves is by that dialogue that we have. So every day we have these conversations with ourselves and most of the time they're quite benign brushing your teeth in the morning and you're thinking hey I've got to do this interview today. I've got to make sure I read that article before his and they're benign sorts of things, but every once in a while that a style can be triggered where the individual is is evaluating themselves or anticipating some kind of performance. And this stylistic I've got to do this perfectly. I got to make sure I have all this covered. I got to make sure I don't I don't stutter. I don't mispronounce a word. I don't look silly or foolish or my voice sh this kind of dialogue or after an experience why did I say that I can't believe I was so stupid when I say that and and it's this kind of relational thing and if you if you took that dialogue and spoke it to your spouse your child uh and I'll ask patients this like what if you use that dialogue with your spouse and they'd say I would be divorced and I'd probably be arrested [laughter] during this thing. And I say, well, isn't that interesting that you could be that, you know, that abusive? You're not that abusive to loved ones in your life, >> but somehow you are to yourself. And when you put it in those terms with patients, very often it just makes an incredible amount of sense. Um, and so inside the mind of of perfectionistic people, um, that secret sort of world we live in that's only sort of there for us. Um, it's pretty horrific. >> So, I guess one obvious question is how do you distinguish healthy striving and standards and ambition from toxic perfectionism? >> Oh, absolutely. No, it's a great question. I mean, it's confusing even in the literature because people use the term healthy adaptive perfectionism and and really what they're talking about, [clears throat] I believe, is an entirely different construct. And to use perfectionism in the in in the in the term is inappropriate. We're talking about achievement, striving, conscientiousness, having really high difficult to attain standards, striving for those absolutely healthy and adaptive and some of the most wonderful things that exists in our world are because of that when it's um driven by this sense that there's something wrong with me and I the whole purpose in in uh navigating the world is to correct that to somehow field work that's something entirely different. So um it it's kind of at the basis of the motivation uh for the behavior. If the person is trying to correct themselves or correct this sense of fitting in the world, it becomes very maladaptive. If it's striving for pushing oneself or attaining really difficult standards or even trying to attain the impossible things Elon Musk has kind of tried to do throughout his that's wonderful that's that's very very helpful. So the distinction it is in the way we understand they're two very different psychological constructs. One is to repair the self and another is to push the self and attain and accomplish different things. >> I think one of the challenges people will be thinking about here is well I am my work in many ways. I feel I feel uh um existentially connected to the things that I do, the way that I perform, my sense of self and my performance in my sport of choice or my job or my relationship or how well the date went or that presentation that I gave or the most recent opera that I sang at or whatever it is >> that is bleeding into who we are. who we are and what we do now don't have particularly well demarcated uh territories and uh by fixing I if you if you underperform in a sports game the the World Series is going on at the moment and uh if if you have a a horrendous couple of games back to back well yeah your performance within the game right wasn't particularly great but we all know that well does that mean that I am not good as a person. I am not worthy as a person. Um I think a lot of people that are high performers and maybe this is just a selection effect that lots of people who end up being high performers have perfectionistic traits. Um I think that at least for me when I think about it trying to delineate between the two is really like to me they are very much the same thing. We're very much sort of talking about the same thing that if I do well I am good. If I do badly I am bad. Uh and I think that that at least in my experience knowing that I was going to have this conversation with you and talking to some friends about this uh I I think this is a very common uh interpretation where the the difference between what you do and who you are. So the difference in um improving and becoming more ambitious inside of the domain of your pursuit and trying to fix yourself because you are your pursuit uh is is often seen as one and the same. >> You're right. and and very perfectionistic people will do that. I will repair myself by becoming even better at what I'm trying to do. Uh and in the clinical work I do with Olympians with high performers all all over the place there is a distinction. Um, and I think you you you alluded to it in one of the things you said that, [gasps] you know, screwing up in two games in a row in the World Series. Um, for those individuals, how do they continue? Well, it's because they can demarcate this is what I do, but who I am and my being still has worth. So, there's a resiliency that's there. It's not about I'm engaging in play in the World Series in order to repair myself in order to do something about this defective sense of self. So it's a you're right on one level there is this [sighs and gasps] who I am constitutes a major portion of my identity but um [laughter] I I mean I I work with Olympians I work with artists I work with professionals who are highly successful in their career and it doesn't touch their sense of yeah but who I am really at the core I I'm just awful. I'm not good enough. And people will actually make a distinction um you know between uh if I can use you as an example, Mr. Williamson versus Chris. And Mr. Williamson can do all of these incredible things, you know, have a very successful podcast, interview people, connect with people in these amazing ways, the accolades. But then there's Chris who is this person was a child, you know, is just this this guy who's really not Mr. Williamson. And I'm I'm making this up with you, of course, cuz I don't I don't know you at all. But when I when you make that distinction with people and with professionals, absolutely they understand that uh especially when you're doing in a therapeutic context that they'll say, "Yeah, absolutely. It's incomprehensible when I sit back and think, "Wow, I I actually did do all those things." But it really doesn't solve the problem of me feeling like I I'm just not I'm just not worthy enough. I'm just not acceptable. I just don't fit. >> Yeah. I suppose that's an interesting an interesting part of this. Does achievement relieve perfectionism? >> No. >> That's an uncomfortable realization, isn't it? [laughter] >> That's the fantasy for for these individuals. The fantasy. If I am perfect, then that will solve the problem of my work and then pick a domain, find a domain, do something that you get some accolade, some attention or some interest in. >> [snorts] >> and grab on to it with the belief that if I if I achieve these high high standards or this get these accolades that's going to solve the problem and it's just the wrong tool uh for trying to solve the problem but grab onto the fantasy and maintain it and it's and it's part particularly pernitious when you're thinking about perfectionism because you can you can have individuals decide that the this is going to be this is going to be the thing. If I can do this perfectly or if I can conceal all my imperfections in this context, that will solve the problem. And they engage in this and they could do a fantastic job and then they come away from it feel good for a few moments and then oh I I still feel this way. It wasn't perfect enough. And then it ups the ante even the next time. And rather than saying maybe this is the wrong tool for trying to feel worth or feel like I'm deserving of anything in this work um they up the ante uh and think okay it's got to be more perfect next time. >> So success doesn't touch the underlying belief of unacceptability. No, that's my experience. >> Does a That's not the solution. >> Does a lack of success worsen the underlying belief of unacceptability? >> Yeah. >> Right. Okay. Reinforce. Success doesn't relieve it, but fa failure confirms it. >> Yes. And absolutely. Yeah. [laughter] >> It's the wrong tool. You know, if you take if you're trying to pound a nail in and all you have is a screwdriver, you can you could you could pound you're usually going to make a huge mess, but the odd time it might actually get the screw uh might actually get the nail in. But there's a better tool to use that that actually solves the problem. It feels to me like perfectionism self-perpetuating then. Uh achievement doesn't relieve this sense that I'm not enough. Uh, in fact, it reinforces in many ways, oh, I must be more perfect if it's it's not playing in front of 500 people. It's playing in front of 2,000 people. It's not achieving this job title at work. It's achieving the seauite. It's not getting a master's degree. It's getting the doctorate degree. It's getting the residency. It's continuing to up the ante. So uh success is never sufficient and failure is always confirmation of your inefficiency >> and it's always failure. It's always failure. >> Even a a special kind of success is a type of failure because it didn't fix the problem. >> Yeah. I can tell you about a patient I had uh I write about this in one of my books. a fellow who was very perfectionist and very suicidal and uh I I started seeing him he was um university student in a particularly challenging program [clears throat and cough] and I started seeing him just at the end of the school year after he had been discharged from hospital actually. Um and he talked about in his program there was this one course that was a definitive course in the program and if you did well in the course it was going to essentially say well yeah you're going to do well in this field and if you didn't do well in the course you essentially well you should just leave this field and go so it's a very definitive course and he talked about I I I want to do really well in this course I have to get an A+ and he and I I I want to have the highest mark of any other student in there. And so I I had just started working with him. Uh and um it had maybe been 4 weeks I think that we had been together. He came to a session when I knew he would have been given feedback and gotten the mark for the course. He was very depressed and um more depressed than I had seen him actually over the course of that time. and he said to me, "Well, I got the grade. Uh, I I got the A+ and I actually got the highest score in the course." And he and then for any of us that would have been caused to celebrate and break out the champagne and but for but he said, you know, but I I got that, but all it did is illustrate I had to work so hard to get it. Like I had to really work hard to get that heart. It just illustrates that I really am not capable. If I had been able to get the course without working so hard, that would have that would have done. [laughter] >> And that is so slippery. It's so >> not unusual. It's not unusual to turn >> turn abject successes into abject failures. >> Wow. Let me give you uh my own personal example of that from when I used to run nightclubs back in the day. So, Um my criteria for success uh kept on morphing to always move away from me. So first off it was that the event needed to be successful. We needed to be full. Um then not only did the event need to be successful uh I had drawn a uh a link between when I suffer because I work very hard typically the event does better. And what that resulted in was uh eventually landing at the point where if the event was successful but I hadn't suffered that meant that the success of the event wasn't quite as much or good or whatever as it should have been. And what I'd basically done was completely by so the event was a failure. I was a failure. So that was one uh source of potential uh upset. The event was a success but I hadn't suffered. That was another potential source of upset. the event was a success and I had suffered. That was kind of a source of satisfaction for me, but obviously I'd suffered. So, I was unhappy at the fact that I'd it was so slippery. And that kind of reminds me of the story that you were you were talking about with your your your ex exatient there. I also have this uh I've been having this conversation at the live shows I've been doing around the US at the moment. um this sense is your presiding feeling when things go well one of happiness or simply the abatement of fear? Is it joy or is it relief? And uh I I feel like all of this sort of ties together. >> Oh absolutely does. I mean, one of the the paradoxes of perfectionism is that striving for these successes, as you say, and getting the success and as I just illustrated, turning it into a failure or probably more commonly is just not having a sense of satisfaction, uh, a sense of celebration, a sense of, okay, I I did do this, I did accomplish this. um and they just don't don't experience a a sense of satisfaction. Um so again, the majority of us when things go well, we evaluate and hopefully we have a sense in ourselves to sort of feel good about that, but also other people to to celebrate and to share uh in in that experience, which is something that's missing usually in perfectionist life. all their life the sense of sharing shared pride in something. Um but just don't they just okay that's done. It can be thank god that's over with but it's okay well move on to the next thing and it's just simply a progression uh often up in the upping the ante each time. M I I like the idea that I need to think about it a bit more that if you suffered I guess if you suffered in a successful thing there was some comfort in that because I guess it let you know okay I I really did this I was really pushing myself for this success so >> it's it's almost the inverse of what your uh your your patient had right which I guess goes to show the idiosyncrasy of of how this how this comes about my British Puritan work ethic was was was showing Um, but I can see how his mindset would be the fact that I had to work so hard shows just how not enough I am that I've had to compensate for my not enoughness with all of my effort. I think uh at least a part of mine was um things that are successful should be difficult. They should be hard. And if you arrive at them without suffering and without challenge, uh that it belies a kind of laziness, >> there's a a sense of mailing it in. There's maybe a fragility or a a tenuousness to your hold on this because well, how much did you really contribute here? How much of this was fluke? Well, if you really hurt for a good while leading up to this, if you had two sleepless nights trying to make sure that the event was full or that, you know, you really, you know, made your mark, you put a dent in the universe by doing it that way. >> Makes some sense to me. Yeah. I I mean what you're talk about is actually healthier I think than what than the kind of people that that we're talking about in in the >> I will I will I will take that as the uh the oddest kind of compliment that I have ever I'll reverse engineer that into a compliment. Um I have I I guess I I'm interested if there's if there's different types of perfectionism. I know that you've said it's idiosyncratic sort of where it comes from. Each person is slightly different, but there must be uh chunks, taxonomies, categories, different ways that it shows. What what are those? >> Yeah, it it's quite complex in in some ways. So, there's three different levels that we sort of describe or define perfectionism. And one is um like a dispositional or trait level, a consistent kind of need to be perfect if you like. And you know very simply we can talk about individuals some individuals that will be characterized by I need me to be perfect and it it's comes from the self. It's directed toward the self. Um and so I require perfection of myself and it's a it's a very autonomous kind of state for individuals. There's also another dimension or I don't say I don't like to say type of perfectionism because they're all intertwined, but another dimension is where I don't need me to be perfect, but I need you to be perfect. I need my spouse to be perfect. I need my children to be perfect. I need anybody that I come in contact with or anybody that I have a relationship with to be perfect. And that's another that's one kind still serves it still serves the purpose of um well let let me get to that in a second. I'll I'll continue to talk about the different sort of dimensions. So there's I need me to be perfect. I need you to be perfect. And then there's the sense or the perception that I have that other people need me to be perfect. And this can be my parents, my spouse, the world in general requires perfection of me. And those are sort of foundational dispositional ways of kind of navigating the world. There's this other level where um not only do we require this perfection, we express our perfection interpersonally. Most of the time, not most of the time, often we are interacting with other people. And I it may not be that I need I need to be perfect, but I sure need to appear to you as if I'm perfect. So, I will promote myself of perfect. I'll tell you how wonderful I am, what amazing skills and abilities I have. That's one way to try to demonstrate my perfection to you or express my perfection to you. The other is I will never display any imperfection. So I know if I do this performance, [clears throat] you're going to see a flaw. So if I public speak, you're going to see that I stutter. I I stumble over words. Uh and so I will never speak in public. So I will not display any imperfection. And then another piece of it is in a relationship, I will never disclose any imperfections. I will not talk about things that don't go well with me. I will I will not reveal to you verbally anything um about anything that I see as imperfect. So it's so it's getting complicated because there's this need to be perfect. I need me to be perfect. I need you. I perceive it. And then [snorts] there's this I need to appear perfect to you in these different ways. And then finally there's this other piece that we have already talked about this self- relational expression of perfection is that uh this dialogue this harsh negative critical inner relationship that we have. So those are all different different facets of of this way of being perfectionistic in the world of trying to be perfect in the world. So it it does get kind of complicated. Um >> what about sort of you the the self-oriented other oriented and socially prescribed elements to this too. >> Yes. Yeah. The self-or I need me to be perfect other oriented. I need you to be perfect. And socially prescribed is I have the perception that other people require me to be perfect. >> Oh, okay. And that shows up as in I need to be perfect. As in I need to not do anything which would risk me not being perfect and I not I need to not dulge to you anything that you would see as me being imperfect. >> Yeah. Well, one is a driver of the behavior, the self, other social. And then these other pieces is >> I like I can require myself to be perfect and you're kind of irrelevant to me. But it may be that my perfectionism is about I know I'm not perfect. I will never be there, but I want to convince you that I am perfect. And so I try to navigate the social context in teaching you how perfect I am. >> Okay. >> So that's that's a distinction. >> Yeah. It it's interesting the difference between needing perfection and needing to appear perfect. >> Yes. Yes. Think of a politician. Do they need to be perfect in their work? Not particularly. Do they need to appear? Absolutely. That's the emphasis of that that domain. Um >> I imagine have you found a crossover between perfectionism and narcissism? >> Yes, absolutely. >> That I I can see the lineage immediately, right? I can't see nobody else must be able to see me at my weakest. I must pretend to be completely perfect. This unfettered 10 out of 10. >> Yeah. Yeah. There is no exactly those elements especially in the the interpersonal world is about I'm I'm going to show you how perfect I am. Uh where it is a little bit different is the perfectionistic individual knows they're flawed they're defective they they feel that way they feel they know that uh and I don't fit in the world. And for the narcissism it at times they can almost be delusional in the sense that okay I am perfect but very similar roots very similar pathways uh but they're divergent. So >> what other personality traits does this cross over with? I would imagine uh conscientiousness, neuroticism, maybe some depression. What what else do you see typically? um dep depression for sure and in fact um the depressive personality style um which is um that's not a DSM category that's a psychonammic diagnostic systems category um but a very depressive personality style um there's some yeah neuroticism if you're thinking about the big five um conscientiousness actually not so much um that's more that healthier piece. Um and there's a actually there's a domain of research that um distinguishes perfectionism from what's called excellencism. It's kind of hard to pronounce, but this notion of striving for excellence versus striving for perfection. And when we talk about when people talk about healthy and adaptive stuff that's more in the domain of striving for excellence as opposed to striving for to perfect the self. Um so there there's that component. Um you know when we start looking at the outcomes of the perfectionism and especially as we've kind of conceptualized it there's psychiatric uh psychological problems that come from it. So, it's overlapping with uh anxiety, depression, eating disorders, all kinds of difficulties. Uh there's relationship problems. And as I probably delineated some of the perfectionism components, you could say that yeah, if I have if I'm perfectionistic for my wife, yeah, that's probably not going to go well. Uh and and indeed it does not go well. But there's relationship problems that come from that. From intimacy problems to dysfunctional intimate relationships to sexual problems, physical health problems, uh perfectionisms associated with it just the perfectionism just increases the person's level of stress and everything that comes along with that. Elevated cortisol, all sorts of hormonal stuff. And so there's physical health problems most particularly and this wasn't work from my lab or or my colleague Gordon Fett's lab um where perfectionism associated with early death um so when you look at other risk factors for early death perfectionism self-oriented and socially prescribed are associated um just associated with early death among people. So it's the thought is that it just elevates the level of stress in people's lives to a degree that it will deteriorate physiological symptoms. So there's these all these domains of outcomes of the perfectionism that it's been uh that have been associated with those kind of outcomes. [snorts] So >> yeah, you had uh perfectionism predicts suicide even when controlling for depression >> and hopelessness. two factors that are historically uh predictive of suicide would be depression and hopelessness. And we've shown in [clears throat] several studies that it that it socially prescribed predicts beyond that. Um, so and you know in some ways it's it sort of dovetales nicely with some of the work that's been going on um um in terms of loneliness or alienation and the impact that has on physical health uh for people and of course suicide. But if you have a process that ensures that you have this disconnection with others um that you can't connect with other people and you live a life of isolation and loneliness. Yeah. Prediction suicide is a easy thing to kind of predict from that and and that's one of the paradoxes of perfectionism is you're striving for this connection with people. You're doing all this stuff to try to be acceptable, to be lovable, to be connected and fit, and your behaviors actually create the opposite. They push people away cuz you're distant. You're not genuine, you're prickly. Um, and you push people away. >> That's a good that's a a good point. How do perfectionists come across to other people? If a big part of the drive for perfectionists is I am not good enough and I must be good enough. I would like to be enough. I would like to be accepted, wanted, needed, validated, seen by the world. >> How do how does the world typically see perfectionists? Well, if you think about if I meet you for the very first time, probably not in this condiment but face to face and I say, "Oh, let me tell you how wonderful I am. Let me I I can do this and I can do that and I'm fantastic and I immediately you're going to take a step back and say get me away from this person." um or if I come across as ky, I'm not really revealing, you interact with me and you think, h I I'm not getting the whole story here. We also kind of pull back. >> And so in trying to create safety for myself as a perfectionistic person, I'm not going to let you see who I really truly am inside. I'm going to curate an image for you. And people picked that up. So they pull away. >> Is there not? Surely there must be people who are such good perfectionists that they have realized that programming imperfection in is a way that other people will tend to like them more. Like the performative vulnerability, the performative imperfectionism, the downplaying, the modesty. Oh no, no. I I understand that you see me in this sort of a way, but no, not me. Because they're so desperate for that positive reinforcement. And if they've split tested it enough times, they will work out, well, this seems to work a little bit more effectively at getting people to like me. And what I want is for people to like me. So, I'm even going to downplay like the the uh imperfect perfectionist so perfect that they've even put imperfection in. >> This is very interesting. I think people would still pick up the lack of genuiness. Um, I think it's kind of like when you watch uh, and I'm fascinated by this, when you watch certain actors in a performance and you think, "Oh, yeah, I recognize that's actor so and so doing that role." And then sometimes you watch an actor and you just believe they are the character, like there's a genuiness to it. So I I might assume that really good professional actors might be able to do that. But I think in the in the real world, in the generally we pick up uh there's something missing here. There's a I don't want to say a creepiness to it, but uh I'm not I don't have the full picture. This is kind of making me uncomfortable. >> Yeah. So, just going back to how deadly and dangerous perfectionism can be. >> Yeah. I have to assume as well that perfectionists would probably delay seeking help for absolutely admitting illness must feel like a failure. [snorts] >> Absolutely. You hit it right on the head because that that is revealing the an imperfection. um in many of the um many of the clinicians that I see in my practice um it's very difficult for them to to seek help uh in that vein and it it they forall um so I had um I had a patient who had there was a newspaper back in the day when they actually had newspapers uh newspaper article about some of my work and this was a he was a professional musician, a classical musician. And I didn't talk in the article about my musical background or anything, but I talked about perfectionism. And he had read this article, cut it out and fold, put it in his wallet, thinking somehow this guy seems to know uh this world of what it's like for um a distressed classical musician in this context, being perfectionist. carried it around for 6 months in his wallet until he had a failed suicide attempt and his wife brought him to my office finally saying you either get treatment or we're gone. Uh meaning the family. [snorts] Um it was so he knew he needed to seek help. He had seemingly found someone need me that might actually be of a help to him but still didn't seek out help until it got like he got right to the edge almost literally uh to the edge. So very difficult for those folks to seek help. Once they do get in therapy it's difficult. You have to navigate it very carefully because you're asking them to do something they've lived their life not doing which is essentially tell me about tell me about you and your imperfection and your flawed sense of that's what we're going to work with >> and that that you have to work with kid gloves uh with folks on that. Um >> yeah well look I I think um I'm kind of fascinated by the idea of recovery with a perfectionist mindset because I have to assume that pain pain and suffering is worsened by an all or nothing mindset. If recovery isn't total then it's going to be worthless. If my if my recovery from some sort of illness or shortcoming or failure or whatever isn't in its entirety, then there was no even even my recovery from an imperfection must be perfect. >> Well, hopefully you're working on the perfectionism so they don't have that judgment about treatment outcome. But the way to think about it is not so much about about um getting rid of the perfectionism. It's about dealing with those deeper issues about worth and about belongingness and connectedness with others. So in the therapy that we do with perfection, we don't really talk about perfectionism very much at all. We talk more about those deeper issues about worth uh about needing to feel acceptable to other people, about connecting with other people. And it it and it's also about um growth. So the way to think about therapy is not as not okay, we're going to reduce the person's perfectionism from this level to this level. It's more about um the person being [snorts] relieved of that personality style in order to navigate the world because that tool does not does not work to have worth or to feel connected with the world. Um, and so it it's it's more about helping the person kind of grow um and develop new ways of of developing worth and connectedness. >> Is perfectionism a performance-enhancer? I I see the traits that you're talking about among lots of high achievers. And if it's if if your sole goal in life is to achieve this thing and you're saying I'm I'm happy to even completely blow up my own the texture of my own mind and the enjoyment of the process and all of these things along the way. Perfectionism might be less of a pathology and more just the price of being the best. Sure. Well, there's been some research done on perfectionism and [clears throat] performance uh in in the workplace or in people's career um with the assumption that when um in in one very early study they looked at this uh how did they do this the um commissions people who are in careers that they have commissions. So the better they work, the higher money, the higher the commission, the more money they make. And they found that perfectionistic individuals with the assumption that more perfectionistic he would have higher income. No, it's the opposite. There's another study we did looking at university professors and one of the measures of success in university professors is number of publications, number of times your work is cited and so forth. uh and looked at perfectionism in those university students professors to see if higher levels of perfectionism was associated with higher product the opposite again uh it interfered with their productivity. Now having said that um there are many very famous uh famous people who are noted to be highly perfectionistic and um Steve Jobs comes to mind for me but also a lot of people in the music world who were who are kind of like that and we can say well somebody like this into perfection look what they accomplished and I think we can stand back and say wow that was a a great accomplishment. that the person has. But if you look at the person's personal life or their relationships in America, [sighs and gasps] >> I just I think I think you're so right. I I got all excited because this is one of my favorite pet theories. Um, a lot of the time we use the people at the absolute top of the tree as a blueprint for how people trying to get to toward that should behave. Um, we'll look at how Michael Jordan showed up. Perhaps this is how your Sunday league baseball team should look to conduct themselves. Well, look at how Steve Jobs built, you know, one of the biggest companies in the entire world and one of the most revolutionary products in history. Well, you as somebody that's a founder of a startup new business, perhaps that's the way that you're supposed to show up. But you said that what are the personal costs that most of these people pay and is that really something that you are prepared to sacrifice in order to achieve that thing? You first off, you've got no guarantee that you're going to achieve that. there is only one Olympian in each uh category every four years. So in order to get that and by design that means that out of the whatever 7 8 billion people on the planet almost everybody isn't even in the running for that let alone the person that's going to be it. Um my point being I think it's a dangerous strategy to use the uh blueprint and the playbook of people who are as far on the tail end of the distribution of outcomes as you can get literally one in a you know human history of a Steve Jobs >> to try and justify an approach that you somebody who's falling much closer toward the middle of the bell cub maybe you know you're up on the upper end of the distribution of success or outcomes or whatever it might be. But the price that you need to pay in order to be able to do that is one that you typically wouldn't foot the bill for. And maybe you can reap most of the rewards of excellence without having to blow your life up with the perfectionism. >> And maybe you can feel worth and that you are lovable or that you are acceptable or that you fit in this planet in a different way. One of the thing what one of the things you said made me remember and I I hope I can get this right. Um I think [clears throat] Elon Musk was being interviewed by somebody probably somebody um and they they said they they said I'd love to be able to think like you or to be as creative as you. And Musk's response, as I recall it, was, "Yeah, if you lived in my mind, you wouldn't like it. It's not a It's not a good place to be." And I think that kind of captured, yeah, we can look at all this stuff, but what is what is it like to be inside that mind? And it there's I'm I'm again I don't know him or anything but from that comment it just seemed telling that >> I mean I've got he said um on Lex Freriedman most people think they would want to be me. They do not want to be me. They don't know. They don't understand. My mind is a storm. Like all right that's pretty [ __ ] apocalyptic as [laughter] >> well. You said it way more elegantly than I did. >> I just I've I've kind of become obsessed with that passage. Um so and it's for the same reason presumably that that you have. So okay I guess >> um how much of perfectionism is about fear >> like this this underlying fear is that is that a big part is a sense of unsafety ambient unsafety that's sort of permeating people's lives. >> I think it's an existential fear uh about not fitting belonging. Who am I? Where am I? So I think you're right. um that it is about fear. And one of the ways to quell some of that existential fear because we're social is is to have connection to to fit belong uh to matter to people to be to be loved, but also fundamentally to have a sense that I I'm okay, I'm deserving, I'm good enough, um that I have worth. And so those deep basic issues uh I think are powerful there. And what happens when they're not met is that what exactly what you're saying it's about there's this this this fear. One of the more difficult pro um stages to navigate in the therapy with folks with this is when they get to a place where they're kind of considering relinquishing this sense of if I'm perfect or if I appear perfect. Um as they start to relinquish it, the problem that they run into is well, how do I navigate the world? And it's just a void. So they're it's just the unknown they >> because their previous motivation was so much be perfect >> so ingrained and so much a part of their life that there there's just this void and as humans we don't navigate the unknown very very well. Um and it can be terrifying if if you just lose a way of being in the world and there's some other expectation. So that in within the therapy we approach that I don't want to say gingerly but we approach it in a way that tries to help them with the fear of that and to to get to a place that there's a there's a different way of being in the world that can actually increase the probability of meeting those needs. >> Can you explain to me the other oriented perfectionism because that that feels a little bit more uh a little bit more on the outside. I can understand how socially imposed and the self-oriented perfectionism those two things other people need me to be perfect. I need me to be perfect if I don't fall short. But the I need other people to be perfect is still the same currency but seems to be pointing in a very different sort of direction. >> Right. Right. Um, I would imagine Chris, in your life, if you're out in a public context, you'll have people come up who will be very excited to meet you and they'll want to hang out. And, you know, you're you're think, well, hey, I'm I'm a person here. I don't really don't need this, but they're coming to you for a reason. Um, and to to be in the presence of somebody with high status, for example, it gives them status. So if I need my uh wife to be perfect, it's because I can share in her perfection and it elevates me. I get status. I get worth. I can borrow her identity and all the good things about her and people will see me and they'll connect me with this person and I will have status for that. One of the things that and this is an overlap with narcissism. One of the things about people with narcissistic personality style or disorder is they'll there'll [clears throat] be a business meeting and they'll walk into the meeting and they very quickly figure out who has the highest status in the room and I'm going to cidle up to that person and connect myself with that person. And it's about borrowing the identity of the other person in order to feel a sense of worth. That's um part of what's called borderline personality disorder pathology or borderline pathology. Uh I don't have a sense of identity so I'll borrow yours essentially. >> And that that's how that work. So it it the ultimate goal is the same to try to elevate my sense of worth, but I'm going to use I'm I'm going to come to know you and I'm going to hang out with you so that other people could see me with you and say, "Oh, well, he must be pretty special if he's hanging around with this guy." And it's that kind of mechanism. Uh and and that's how other oriented works. When people fall short, when my wife screws up, oh my god. Um, [clears throat] then what the, you know, then that voice, that inner voice that's directed toward me with other kinds of that gets directed toward her, harsh, critical, nasty. Um, some people call it a narcissistic rage and it it's it kind of captures that. M yeah I have to assume that intimacy and romantic relationships for these people are very difficult. Perfectionists generally and also if you've got the other oriented stuff in that's just a a additional uh difficulty level on top. >> Yep. No, you're right. There's there's very good research. There's lots of relationship problems, but in intimacy in particular, and if you if you think about how intimacy evolves, it it's this series of um interactions of each of like one person taking a risk and revealing just a little bit more about themselves and the other person recognize not consciously, but recognizes it and then also reveals a little bit more. And it's this over time this revealing more and more about who we are. Um and so couples that have been married 40 years, yeah, there's not a lot of secrets that kind of hang out and let it hang out. However, uh but brand new couples know there's still this okay, just got to be careful here. And so that intimacy evolves with these folks who can't reveal shortcomings, shortfalls, aspirations, emotions that are difficult, vulnerabilities, uh in intimacy is really problematic. >> Also, if you are I need my partner to be perfect, that's going to be very uncomfortable for your partner. Oh, it's not a fantastic foundation to keep a a loving relationship. Even your partner who may have come into this relationship feeling safe and feeling enough, your fear of not enoughness will begin to infect them. >> Oh, absolutely. The the complaints when you for people who have other oriented perfection don't come from the perfectionist, come from the other people in that person's life. >> Wow. >> Yeah. That's where you see the the the distress show up. I mean, there's still distress in in the perfectionist, but it it can be it can get pretty um yeah, it can get pretty awful. And it's not just partners, it's ch person's children, the person's subordinates in their workplace. >> Um you know, yeah, it it very problematic for those folks. So >> if imperfection is human, which it is, why does failure still feel so unbearable to so many of us? >> Um, yeah, I don't know that we [laughter] imperfection may be common. I don't know that we embrace it uh in in any sort of way. And I mean even from religious teachings for for thousands of years it's been you know try to be more godlike but not become a god but you know try to be more like Christ or try to be more like these deities that are there or try to and it's always talking about the imperfection but somehow there's a there's the promise of something if when you attain perfection. And it's that the that that somehow the root to good things happening or bad things not happening seems to lie uh in that domain. And whether it's from various religions that might be talking about it or philosophies um or even you know children trying to trying to navigate the world that they that they live in. Let me tell you a a a a story about a patient who really it illustrates a whole bunch of different things as we're talking. Um this was a woman who in her 40s was um you know over the over the course of therapy became clear that she really had this need to conceal any imperfection either showing it or talking about it. [cough] came [clears throat] to see me knowing she needed thinking things were just not going well in her life and hadn't been. Came to see me and it took quite a while before we actually she would actually say what she wanted to be doing. [snorts] But she would conceal including from me even, you know, elements of herself that were emotional, that were difficult, that were vulnerable. And we began to work and she told initially a story and then retold the story over the course of the dialogue of therapy over many months um of having been adopted uh as a child very early like as an infant. And her parents um went to the experts and in a very loving way and said, "Okay, she's adopted. Do we do we tell her? Do we hide it from her? If we tell her, when do we tell her? And consulted with who I don't quite know who the experts were, but you know, came to the conclusion that, okay, we need to tell her early on so she knows right from the start that she's so special. She's so lovable. And so they kind of told her the story is we went to the place where [snorts] little babies don't have parents. and we looked at all these babies and immediately saw you and we fell in love with you and we chose you and we brought you home. Uh and uh gave her that story which sounds like incredibly loving thing to do. Um and and it absolutely was with the motivation out of this love and care at the time she was told and it took her a while to kind of realize she had done this as we're doing therapy. She she had the sense that mommy goes to the store sometimes and buys purses and she'll bring the purse home and she'll have it for then she starts not to like and takes it back to the store. So that's the model that this little girl understood. So if I can be chosen from this store that has babies, I can be taken back. And that that was terrifying for her. And so from a very early in life, she made sure she was never going to do anything to be disposed of or to be taken >> back to the >> absolutely >> and every relationship she had, including romantic relationships, was this incredible fear that at any moment if if I reveal any imperfection or any piece of who I am that's flawed or whatever, her I will be taken back and it's just a model of the way the world works for her. Um and it took a while to kind of get to that under that understanding. So um can't remember what your original question was but somehow it was connected to [laughter] romantic relationships and relationships with people and >> yeah and this this concern about imperfection being being so unbearable this sort of failure being unbearable I think as well you know [sighs] the fact that we glamorize perfection so much in art sport entrepreneurship as you said religious cere ceremony um media you know a flawless performance even some of the language that we use um it and the fact again we are our work for a lot of people um we don't have particularly well distributed identities we don't hedge our identity you know I am a businessman I am a sports person I am it's very rarely well I'm a friend and I'm a brother and I'm a father and I'm a this and I'm that. Yeah, exactly. And I have to assume that, you know, the more hedged that you are, the more you realize, well, opportunity cost and just straight up resource constraints means that if I want to be a better father, I have to be a worse business person. H in there like belies the fact that I cannot be perfect. So, I need to adjust um the uh deployment of my resources and my efforts in in different ways. And that must be a little bit of a realization of huh there are trade-offs in life and sometimes those make things a little bit difficult. Wow. Like you know sort of your brain explodes thinking about that. Yeah. One of the things I'll do with some patients is um say to them on your deathbed in 50 years from now as you're laying there uh thinking about your life, what do you think you're going to regret? Uh and usually it's something you didn't do. and what are you going to regret more? Um, another day at the office, uh, connecting with your grandchild. I I and I just ask people about if they put themselves in that position, what are they going to look on back on and think feel like they might regret and say, "Well, those seem to be some of the foundational things that are important to you in your life." Um, and it it kind of tries to put that in perspective. Uh, some of those elements in perspective as well. I mean, you you've said this a a couple of times, Chris, that you know, what we do is kind of who we are. And I I I think that's very true. I that may be kind of a cultural thing in North America and the western world um that that we define ourselves in that in that fashion. I think we catch up with some things at different points in our lives. So um you know there's different stages like often when people become grandparents they have a very different way of relating to their grandchildren than they might have had when they had their own children. >> That's interesting. There's a degree of buffer between the two that relinquishes the the like the ownership the direct uhness of your impact has been sort of removed a little bit. That's kind of funny. >> Yeah. And and I think there's just at different times different things kind of become become more important. [snorts] Um and I think as we get older relational pieces I I [clears throat] I I I'm just guessing here cuz I don't really know this word but I it seems relational pieces seem to evolve. So the concept of generativity it's the the older folks want to give more. they're not so much in involved in their own um success but they want to mentor people they want to teach people um and I think that's a part of we just develop more relational we pay attention to more of those relational needs at that time >> ah so in your experience can perfectionists ever truly let go of those patterns it seems to me like the perfectionists >> in that are listening will just think well this is just who I am. It's ingrained. It's given me some things I want in the world and maybe there's some suffering, but this is just part of the source code of me. >> Sure. Well, I got I guess the question is what cost are you willing to pay for it? I mean, it it can come down to that. Um, most of the people that I see in treatment are pretty desperate and pretty it's pretty painful for them. So in the training of of especially my graduate students to learn to work with these folks is um to to prepare them a little bit for once you open open the door for these folks where they can express uh the emotional pain that it it's pretty breathtaking uh and and pretty powerful. So, um, there can be a lot of pain that people kind of live with, but I I I guess at the end of the day, it's always okay, you're paying a price for this. Um, everything has a cost and a benefit, and those shift and change over time in different contexts. >> And it's just, um, you know, how much are you willing to pay? But it's helpful for people to know that they can make changes uh, in that they're not trapped in it. What are the steps out of perfectionism? How do how do people learn to get past this? I imagine that there is some evidence-based approaches. >> Okay, so take me through it. >> Um, well, the work we've done is is from a psychonamic psycholytic perspective of of really trying to deal with the deeper issues that produce the perfectionism. So, it's kind of the notion if you if you really hurt your knee, the symptom you have is pain. And hopefully when you go to a clinician about your your knee, they're not going to say, "Oh, the symptom is pain. Here's some medications. It'll take the pain away and then you go about your life." Uh hopefully the clinicians and in truth, this is what clinicians would do is say, "Okay, the pain is simply an indication there's something wrong in your knee. we need to poke around in your knee and figure out what the cause of that is and deal with the cause and then the pain just goes away. And so with perfectionism, the psychonamic approach is the same thing. We try to work with what's producing the perfectionism. And in this case, it's these deep relational needs. The need for worth, the need to belong, the need to be acceptable to others. and that's where where we work. So from that perspective um I mean you [laughter] it's an involved process but it's also [snorts] um [sighs and gasps] at at the end of the day what we're trying to do is get the person to have some sense of acceptance of themselves as who they are in truth. just some acceptance of them that there's nothing fundamentally flawed or wrong with them. They've learned that lesson well, but there really isn't the flaws that they have. Um and uh that there's an acceptance of other people that other people are also flawed and um but there's still ways to kind of navigate a sense of fitting and belonging and connectedness with them. So it's about self-acceptance and it's a it's about finding a place for oneself. >> What are the most common interventions that you use to increase somebody's self-acceptance? Um well, you would use in psychonamic work, you use the therapeutic alliance and you form a connection with the individual to provide a place of safety that they can actually begin to put that flawed self on the table and will actually look at it in a really truthful, honest way. And it's usually it's not so flawed and not so defective. But but we use the therapeutic alliance to create a place of safety uh for the individual to be able to do that. We also work in that context on the kinds of things that people automatically do to avoid the the deep pain, the emotional stuff to actually look at who they truly are. Uh and so again we use that therapeutic alliance that way. [snorts] Um there's a domain of um treatment that likes the notion of worksheets and practice and um telling yourself not to be worried about making mistakes and that sort of thing. Um and I just I I find it to be honest I find it really silly. like you I mean one of the things when you work with perfectionistic people is they will say can't you give me something to read can't you give me like homework uh and the idea is what we're trying to do is teach a person it's kind of like learning to ride a bicycle if you've never ridden a two-wheeler and you decide okay I'm you know I'm 30 years old I'm going to learn to do this so I don't know you phone up Lance Armstrong and say, "I need a workshop. Give me a lecture uh on how to ride a bicycle." And you go to the lecture. He provides all the information. You take notes, write the multiplechoice exam, ace it, get out on the driveway, get on the bike, and you promptly fall over. And the tool of intellectually learning what you need to do to ride a bike. Contract this muscle, relax that one is not going to teach you to ride a bike. But if you have, you know, if you think about how I assume how you rode a bike, much like me, you had somebody who was holding the bike you got on and they kind of pushed you, got you going, and they let go and grabbed on to get and you wobbled and fell and got up again and and through the experience of that process, eventually you got to do this insanely complicated thing of riding a two-wheeler. in traffic with lights with and if you think about how complicated that is, oh my god, it's it's the experiences that have taught you how to do that, not the information, not you know ex cognitive exercises to do that. And and that's the best metaphor I have of what I what I and other psychonamic people are trying to do to teach people new behaviors. It's through the experience of revealing the self. It's through the experience of having um being able to connect with somebody and to have them kind of um to care for you, accept you, see all the stuff that's bad and try to be helpful to you. So that's the process uh of it. So it's not it's not you know session one you do X session two you do Y that's a very CBT approach and it's that approach in particular that we just published a paper which really pissed off [laughter] a good bunch of people which is great kind of like doing that um to really show uh what the evidence is for a CBT based approach for perfectionism and >> it's not good >> um well when they wrote about this stuff. It it was wonderful. But when we actually looked at it, we saw that um the majority of people drop out from it, which means they don't tolerate. It's no good to have a treatment that people don't continue in. Uh there's there's good uh evidence that for some parts of perfectionism, it will change post treatment, meaning sort of at the last session, they can show these big changes. if you test them in a followup a few months or 6 months later, no, that the changes disappear. Uh so it it's not maintained. Um there's very good evidence that only certain elements of perfectionism change from a CBT perspective. Not the traits that we talked about, not the self- relational, those styles of expressing what those don't change. Those are the pernitious ones. Socially prescribed doesn't change and it's the one associated well along with self-oriented but suicide uh early death anorexia nibosa depression anx. So those pernitious pieces don't seem to change with CDT in in the work that we do. Um you it's going to come as a surprise I'm sure but we try to deal with those underlying issues and show the changes in the more pernitious elements and there's um three different uh five different studies that have shown yeah there's changes that are made in that. The way we do the treatment research is if you have developed a treatment, we'll do a study and we'll show the effects. We then try to figure out, okay, well, how could refine it to try to get even better effects or longer lasting effects. So, use treatment not as a way of saying, hey, look at the treatment we've got. It's fantastic. We say, here's a treatment. It looks like it's it's it's pretty good uh or very good. How how can we improve it even more? M what would you say to somebody who has a perfectionist person in their life? Uh how can those around perfectionists show up in a way that helps them to uh improve their worldview? [snorts] >> I I I [clears throat] would encourage them to to find somebody to work with them on it, to find a professional to work with it. Um, I mean, as we're talking, you can see it's pretty deep-seated. There's a lot of pain. There's a lot of outcomes with it. So, it's not something that, um, is easily changeable. Um, but I would be encouraging of people to try to find a therapist that they can work with that that that they trust and that they could connect with to deal with those issues. What is the what is the school or is there an accredititation body that you guys ratify uh to say this person is perfectionism certified to be able to do this at a standard and >> we're in the process we're in the process of doing that actually with again we're at a a place now where we're pretty confident that the kind of the the kind of approach that we do actually is is helpful uh and not just helpful to change the levels of perfectionism that it's clinically relev relevant like the clinically significant change in people and that it's actually in psychonamic work not only is the change maintained over period of time if you do it right the change continues after the treatment ends. Um, and it's kind of the idea like with your knee, if you fix the problem in your knee, as soon as they fix it, there still might be pain there, but as it as it continues to heal, you're not doing any treatments. As it continues to heal, the pain eventually kind of goes away. And in good psychonamic psychotherapy, there's very good evidence that that's what happens. It's just not if you get rid of the cause, the symptoms kind of go away. M that's interesting. What's the role of mattering in all of this? >> Um I mattering is one of the one [clears throat] of the ways that those relational needs can show up. Uh so some people um well I think for everybody it's kind of a foundational part of of having a sense of worth is that I matter to somebody that somebody communicates to me that I'm important to them that I'm relevant but it so generally mattering but at an idiosyncratic level with with people it can be that can be manifest like I you know I have a voice that I I grew up in a family where nobody cared. I I couldn't say anything that anybody would ever hear or listen to. Uh and the the only way of understanding that was well if I was more important they might actually hear my voice or and one of the ways to be to solve that is okay well I can be I can be narcissistic and tell everybody how wonderful or I can try to be perfect in everything that I do. So mattering is is one piece of the relational needs. But other people might need to be respected, to be to be seen, to be heard, not to be invisible, [snorts] um to be loved, and to have a sense of being lovable. Two different pieces there. Um so it it all kind of fits in very generally in in uh sort of some of the basic needs that we need to navigate the world. >> Are we becoming more perfectionist over time? Is this have you done any longitudinal stuff? There has been and we haven't done this work but some uh colleagues of ours have uh actually looked at our conceptualization um and looked at the the scores over decades and show that indeed yeah perfectionism seems to be uh increasing uh over the decades at least the trait elements seem to be those are the only ones that have been evaluated at this point. So that self-oriented other socially prescribed uh they're increasing um there's no I don't know of any research that's done this but there you may know there also rates of depression and anxiety that sort of thing either seem to be increasing or people are more open to admitting that they have depression and anxiety. So it see makes sense that if a vulnerability factor for these problems is increasing, we may see an increase in some of the outcomes of those vulnerability factors. I I haven't seen any work directly to address that, but it logically makes sense. >> Heck yeah. Dr. Paul Huitt, ladies and gentlemen, Paul, you're great. I I I really appreciate this work. I think it's uh very of the moment and um you know for the sort of people that listen to podcasts specifically stuff like this um I think uh many are going to feel seen uh and accused today. Where should people go to keep up to date with your work? Um well I have a I mean I have a I have both a clinical website where with with more clinically relevant information but also a website at uh at at the University of British Columbia. So um there is a website um we publish books. I just my agent said I should do this. I don't know. [laughter] But uh we're just signing a contract with Norton to do a trade book on Gordlet and I are doing a trade book on our work over the years to make [clears throat] it less academic and more available to people so they can uh kind of see the way we think about it, understand it, the problems and how to deal with it. >> I think that'll be good for the world. Paul, I appreciate you. >> Thank you very much. It was wonderful meeting you, Chris. So, you have very good listening skills. I've done numerous [clears throat] podcasts where I get the questions and then the person is busy trying to figure out what the next question is [laughter] rather than having a dialogue. So, it's it it's very nice that way. So, I appreciate I I appreciate that. >> Thank you. >> Okay. Congratulations. You made it to the end of an episode. Your brain has not been completely destroyed by the internet just yet. Here's another one [music] that you should watch. Come on.