Top 10 Worst Movie Theater Experiences

I, like many of you, have been going to the movies for a long time. And unfortunately, we've probably all had some bad movie theater experiences. Whether it's the film itself, or worse off, the audience being incredibly rude, being on their phones, loudly talking, eating their food like they've never had food before. There's a lot of different variables that add up to a very bad experience. Since I see a lot of movies every year in theaters, the chance of running into [ __ ] like the ones I've described goes up by a lot. And for me, there's nothing more therapeutic, nothing more soothing than to fictitiously murder these folks on camera for your and my amusement. And so today, I went through the bowels of my videos and I have compilated my top 10 theater massacre moments where I finally let loose and unload unspeakable rage on these [ __ ] I have chopped off the movie reviews themselves. So, what we're left with on these videos is nothing more than the pain, the anger, and the violence that came after. Here are my top 10 fictitious violent revenge attacks on movie theatergoers. Let's begin. Number 10. April 26, 2019. We are on pins and needles for Avengers Endgame to start. The final chapter in Tony Stark's journey. I had a good crew of people going with me, too. It's been lined up for weeks. One of my friends I've known since the third grade. And I'm no spring chicken. So, that's a forged friendship that's been lasting the test of time. We decided to make a meal out of it and meet early to have dinner before the movie. So, we headed on over to Freddy's, which is a burger joint. It's a chain. They got some decent food, good fries, good shakes, good service, good smiles, good fun, good friends. And then my buddy Derek hits me with a Hulkbuster size punch to the face. Let's punch in for this. He hasn't seen over half of the MCU films prior. What? So, now we were on a mission to figure out exactly which films Derrick hadn't seen. decide which ones were an absolute must going into Endgame and then determine which portions of the films he needed to watch, uh, how much backstory we had to give to each of these characters and really lead him down a road that would set the stage for Endgame properly. As we're waddling on over to the garbage can to dispose of our meal, uh, we couldn't help but notice that there were some fellow nerds wearing Marvel t-shirts. One of them said, "Um, I noticed you guys were watching some of the films. Has he really not seen most of them? Why even go to the movie? I didn't even hesitate. I spin towards him, throwing some of the food remnants onto the ground. A third of a shake splashes on the floor. A kid walking by. Slips. He's dead. Broken neck. The mom's hysterical. Oh my god, my baby boy. Shut up. Elbow to the nose. She goes down. And I turn to that son of a [ __ ] who insults my friend Derek. I take him out with a trade to the face. He goes down harder than Black Widow did when she traded places with Hawkeye and sacrificed her life for the good OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE. BASKIN says one of the other dumbasses. Not cool, man. He starts to run away, but I'm not going to let him ice my friend out like that. So, speaking of ice, I pick up a cube off the ground. goes through the back of his head. Blows out the front of his eye. I run around the side, catch the ice in the air, whoop, smash it through the other eye that's still alive, and now it's not. Unlike Thor, he's not getting any replacements for those guys, and he falls to the ground, crumples over. The overweight one tries to run to the door, pulling up his pants that are sagging. I hardly quin his ass, jump up into the air, land on his shoulders, twist, snapping the neck. He goes down as we start to slow motion walk toward the door in my mind. Another person gets up, ready to jump into the fray. I look over at him, thinking about how I'm going to take this [ __ ] out, and then I notice his t-shirt, release the snider cut down the chest. And then I look in his eyes and say, "I don't need to kill you. You're already dead inside. Let's go, boys." We head out. Number nine. As we got up to leave the theater, I wanted to say something about the person on his phone and the vapor, but my wife said, "Adam, you got to let it go. You have to let it go." And I did. I I was the I guess bigger person in this scenario. I left, went into the bathroom, had a nice pee about it. And as I was finishing up, I saw the guy, the gentleman that was on his phone the whole time ramp up right next to me. And he stayed on his phone while he peed. And that was just a bridge too far. That's where I I couldn't let it go any any further. So I um you know, I did the shake, maybe a couple extra to just kind of play with myself a little bit. And then as I zepped up, I slipped the elbow, hit him right in the nose, take his phone, and just keep beating him into the ground. Some pedestrian sees this happening. and he's like, "Jesus Christ." Tries to take off and tell some of the authorities that I guess were in the theater. I pick up the phone, spin it in my hands as some of the blood spackles onto the walls behind me and throw it, hits him in the back of the head. He flies on the ground, face peeling against the floor. This was not his fault. He shouldn't have been here. He slides on his face, peeling his skin up on that nasty old pop soak fililled ground with the popcorn into the carpet, really meshed into the fibers. He slides all the way out into the lobby. Pretty much a bloody mess at this point. The group that was talking the whole film happened to be walking that direction at that same moment. They trip bowling pin style over each other onto the ground. Noses breaking as they hit the floor. I took out the guy in the bathroom. Now I got these two. That's a double strike. I run over there ninja style. Take the guy's arm, pop it back into his face, and then just start hitting him with his own hand. He goes down and now I'm looking for the turkey, which is a bowling term when you get three strikes in a row. There's the vape [ __ ] across the way. I stomp down on one of the jackass's heads. His straw flies up into the air. I catch it and throw it like a javelin. Through the air it goes. Vapor's about to go in for a puff and the straw goes through in slow motion. Shatters the vape pen. straw out the back of the head. The blood trail coming up. My wife's behind her. She sees the strawing, sticks in the wall next to her. The popcorn goes into the air like confetti. She looks over at me. Adam, did you do this? I look around at the carnage and wipe some of the blood from my brow and say to her, "Nope. Number eight. The Minecraft movie is here and video game fans are eating well. They're getting Jack Black memes. They're getting references to the game and they're getting to act like obnoxious pricks to the other movie goers in the audience. What a treat." Had I been around these little [ __ ] I don't know what would have taken place. In my mind, as soon as that pop sailed through the air, I would have caught it. You dropped this [ __ ] and I smash it back into his face. Two popcorns sail over my shoulders. I grab them and then I dunk them back on the kid's heads. Take them and smash them together. I then push a button that activates a trap door above. Beep. Chicken jockey. I jump on top of the chicken. And I start riding around the theater. She starts pumping out eggs. I get out the crafting table. I craft myself an unbreakable enchanted sword with sweeping edge times three. And then I go to work. YOU until all that remains are my two children and myself. Blood soaking. Blood everywhere on the chairs, the rows, the screen. It's disgusting. I mean, in hindsight, that's going to be a bigger mess to clean up than the popcorn the kids left, but uh it had to be done. Number seven, this was probably the worst audience I've had all year, and I've had a good run for the last couple months. I felt like things would calm down. People were being respectful. Not for Sonic, they weren't. Not for Sonic, they weren't. The teenagers behind my daughter and I that went, "Oh, I I I wanted to murder them. My daughter wanted to murder them." And she's not much different in age, just different in quality. But the real MVP, and keep in mind, we were like three rows from the front, so there wasn't a lot of options for us to move. Someone had taken our seats that were assigned. But I'm not going to make a stink at a Sonic film. I just don't have it in me these days. But in front of us, there's the walking space and then there's just two more rows of seats. And up there was this jackass couple. This guy had a commentary going throughout the entire film loudly talking to this person. And he even brought up his phone multiple times, like every 5 minutes, either to just look at whatever or to freaking record parts of the movie and then put them on his Insta or on his Snapchat or whatever the stupid app he's using. Like the dude's not even recording it. Well, I'm already annoyed that I'm getting distracted and looking at his dumb ass, but the fact that he's like filming kind of cockeyed, angled, and it's it's not framed up at all. That part was driving me up the wall. Like, who's this for? Who's looking at this content GOING, "WOW, THIS GROWN ASS man is at Sonic 3. How how lucky for him. I'm so envious of this guy who's sitting two rows from the front and he's filming these shitty angled shots. What a treat. What a prince. Now, on occas, short for occasion, when I have a bad moviegoing experience, I like to go off on a tangent where I kind of viciously murder everyone there that was present. But since this is a PG movie I'm reviewing, I feel like that's in poor taste to start going on a rampage. As much as I'd like to just walk up to this fellow who's recording the film and take his head and just rip it off and set it on the seat in front of his spouse and take his his spouse. It's probably just some hooker he picked up on the side of the road to go to a Sonic film with so he could feel special and important. Take take his phone and then do a crappy angle of his decapitated head on the chair and Snapchat that. Oh, but we still have the teens behind me. We better go fast over to their area. Get myself into a ball. Start going hypersonic and just blue blur these [ __ ] to death. And because I'm going so fast, it goes through all of their bodies so instantaneously that they're they're suspended in air, their torsos. So it's like and then they just fall to the ground in a crumpled heap. Actually, maybe I don't do that. Maybe I run so fast. I'm like Sonic in the first two movies where I'm doing all sorts of crazy antics. Winking to the camera, tipping the hat, grabbing one's nose, and just breaking it so he won't feel it until I'm done with my movements. Take another person's arm and just gently pop it out of place so that when they come to that bone is 6 in removed. take a straw out of the soda and just go about an inch from the person's eyeball. And then I just let it go. So that when I'm done with my speed, that motion that I put into the straw is just going to go right through the freaking back of their head. And the last person I just grab by the shirt and throw them high up into the air where they kind of suspend for a second, but that fall is not going to be like a feather. Sabrina Carpenter and then I stop my run. DUDE IN THE AIR, lands into a chair, completely bodied. STRAW bone in the arm. BROKEN NOSE. OH, WHAT THE [ __ ] D. The sign spins around. I do a little spin jump. Hop on top of that little canister. Release all the animals. The critters start running all a muck through the theaters. OH, WHAT THE SEAGGA. For some, going to the movie theaters nowadays is a torturous exercise they wouldn't wish on their worst enemies. People sit on their phones. They talk loudly. The chairs don't recline. So oftent times they're watching movies from the comfort of their own home, aka in bed. I myself have been doing that far more often lately, which is why it's such a good combination for me to team up with a partner today, Helix. On occasion, people wonder how I'm able to see so many movies, get reviews out in a timely manner while dealing with the family stuff and a full-time job on top of this beautiful hobby. And the answer is simple. Getting a good night's sleep. Not a lot of it, but good sleep. And that's all thanks to a new mattress I got last year by Helix. Helix Sleep makes premium mattresses and bedding that are customized to fit your personal needs and conveniently shipped to your door. They offer soft, medium, and firm mattress types. And the best part is you don't have to figure it out yourself. You can go through a quiz that they provide and they will pinpoint exactly what type of mattress you should find yourself in. And I found myself in a Helix Midnight Lux King-Size mattress fit for this king. The amount of time I dedicate to sleep these days is criminally low. So, I want to make sure as soon as I hit the pillow, hit the bed, I'm out like that. And I've had zero issues with my Helix. In fact, it's been easily the best mattress I have ever owned. And that goes double for my wife who also took the quiz and was able to customize her side of the bed. And the great news is after you take the quiz, Helix delivers the mattress right to your front door with free shipping in the US. On top of the free shipping, they also offer a 120day free trial so you can test that bad boy out with a lifetime warranty. That's probably why they were recently awarded in the Grand 2026 as one of USA Today's most trusted brands. And that's out of a total of check notes 23,000 brands. And the specific mattress I'm rocking, the Helix Midnight Lux, that has been ranked as the best overall mattress by both Wired and Forbes. Thank you Helixleep for sponsoring. Visit helixleep.com/adamdosmovies to take advantage of the Labor Day sale and to save 30% off select mattresses. Number six, May 6th, 2016. A day that will forever go down in infamy. Captain America: Civil War hit theaters and fans of the MCU were clamoring to see this film on the big screen, myself included. And even though the film did live up to the promise of superheroes coming together to kick the [ __ ] out of each other, the real war was happening in the very theater I was in. I regailed this tale years ago after the events transpired. Here we are, though, years later, and it's still sitting inside me. It's still haunting me. I know I'm beating around the dick a lot. Well, what happened, Adam? What what what's what's so horrible about your movie experience that you you've not only told the story once, but now twice? Well, first off, the the somehow I lost the initial telling. It's gone. It's nowhere to be found. It's lost in the ether. So, this right here, right now, is the only evidence of what happened that night. Everything started out cherry. Everything was going to plan. I had uh my tickets pre-bought. Friends were meeting me there. I was on time. I was actually quite a bit early for this. I was excited. The impending storm came down as rain tattered on my windshield. I pulled into the parking lot, rushing to the door, holding a fictitious bunch of books over my head like I'm running into a college class. I run into the theater. I'm I'm stopping wet now. Head to toe. I'm ringing out my shirt. I I have water all over the floor, a big puddle of it. This stuff might not have happened. I'm building up drama, but we'll get to the meat of it in a second. I see my friends. We're talking. We're having a good time. We're laughing, conversing about what may happen in the film. Is War Machine going to die? Is Iron Man or Captain America going to die? Turns out there's very little stakes, but we didn't know going in. So, it was very exciting. It was an exciting time. When I go into the theater, I like to do a cursory glance of the situation in front of me. It's a packed house this faithful night. It's uh it's a lot of people of all walks of life are here. And even though there was a storm outside, the perfect storm was brewing right in front of my very eyes. What I was witnessing was a tinder box of awful individuals just ready to make me blow, ready for my top to explode in a rage OF FURY UNLIKE ANY EVER seen before. So, what do we have to work with? Well, for starters, we have the fanboys right behind me. I'd say about three rows back. Still enough for me to hear them whisper every [ __ ] thing they're thinking throughout the entire 2 and a half hour film. The hardcore Marvel fans brought their girlfriends with. And guess what, folks? The girlfriends don't watch the Marvel movies. They have no idea what's going on. They're going to be a problem. I think to myself, they're going to be a problem. Adjacent to me, just down the same aisle, the same row that I'm in, is a father and his two kids. Harmless, right? Guy took his sons out to see the film. They look a little young, maybe. I'm not judging. I got kids. I've taken them to pretty violent films, but they look young, you know, 5 years old, 6 years old, somewhere around there. A few rows up, as the crow flies, I see a couple with a newborn baby. That's certainly going to be an issue. As of now, the baby's quietly asleep as of now. Last and certainly not least is the phone community. The people that just have to be on their phones, you know, before the movie starts. Okay, fine. Once the previews are going, I guess, but kind of annoyed. But once that first intro shot quues up, those phones better be [ __ ] off or I'm going to be set off. Light them up now, boys, because I'm about to light you up. So, we have a cavalcade of different [ __ ] in this theater that's full to the brim, packed, stacked, ready to crack. That's not an expression, but I made it one cuz I'm about to crack some skulls. Tornadoes and storms have different levels. F1 through, I believe, F5. I don't know if an F6 has ever happened. We got to an F10 at the theater that night. F10. Right out of the gates, we're at an F2 as the phones are coming out five minutes into the film. What are they doing? I don't know. Checking Facebook. Remember Facebook when that was a thing that teenagers used to be on? It's bizarre that it was only a few years ago. It's crazy, man. What a what a pile of [ __ ] service. Anyway, the the phones are out. I'm starting to get mad, but I'm going to leave it. I'm going to leave it. It's still early on. Maybe they're just Maybe they just had to quickly shut something off, right? Maybe it was just a quick courtesy check like, "Oh, good. The audio's off. I'm not going to be a rude prick throughout this film." Spoiler, he is. Not much after that, we're already at an F3 as the kids a few rows back are constantly having to explain who people are. Yeah, that's Tchala. Tchala is actually Black Panther. You don't know that yet, but I DO BECAUSE I READ COMICS. THAT'S FALCON. Falcon was in Captain America: Winter Soldier. He's good friends, arguably best friends with Steve Rogers, besides Bucky, but Buckyy's maybe dead. Maybe not. No, Buckyy's going to be in this one. He's the Winter Soldier that I was referring to. Strap in, sweetie. Can we have SEX LATER TODAY? NO, BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT LEAVING THIS THEATER. THE FATHER'S kids have those light up sneakers. What a great invention. sneakers that are not only loud but light up again. I'M ABOUT TO LIGHT THESE KIDS UP. THEY'RE KICKING THE SEAT IN FRONT OF THEM THE ENTIRE GODDAMN MOVIE. AND EVERY time they do it, fireworks from their shoes. Little Katy Perry's popping off. I keep doing one of these. Dad doesn't look over once. Can't be bothered. He's enjoying the film. He's so far checked out from his own children. Nothing's going to phase him. You think kids kicking the seat in front of their father's a big deal? This guy's been through three marriages already. He took his kids to the film Stag. There's no woman to be found in his life. No man to be found in his life. No one wants to be with this piece of [ __ ] except for those two little demon spawns. The two Helens that he brought with that like nothing more than to loudly kick seats and light up the whole row. We're at the airport sequence. Holy [ __ ] We're making it through this movie. Okay. And I'm already at an F6 tornado, folks. We did it. We get F6 already. And now the Crinkling comes out. That's the other crew I didn't tell you about earlier. The Crinkle crew. I can't for the life of me understand why movie theaters sell candy that has PLASTIC DESIGNED BY NASA AROUND IT. YOU GOT A BUNCH OF crunch with cellophane that makes the loudest [ __ ] noise on the planet. AND THESE PEOPLE DON'T know how to take it off. So it's just kids. Kids kicking the seat. Bump bump bump bump. Douchebag checking his phone. nerds talking to the girls again. Some people that's the third version of the live action I've heard from Tom Holow. It's like everyone in the theater went up to the concession stand, looked around, and said, "Hey, what are the most annoying candies you have here, preferably things that I can shake that have all sorts of wrappings around them, and and they're impossible to get off. So, I I I'll only do like half the wrapping and keep the rest of that on there so it can constantly make noises. Make sure to give me the large bucket of popcorn that I'm going to share with the entire row. constantly pass back and forth. Maybe argue about who's had more of it. Dig our grubby hands in. Fill our fat faces up. Oh, but you also have slushies here. I got to have a slushie. I can't decide between the loud, obnoxious candy or the slushie that I'm going to finish 20 minutes into the film, but then continue to nurse it like there's still some left for the next 45. Just constantly It's gone. SHUT UP. IT'S GONE. [ __ ] UH-OH. LOOK WHO decided nap time's over. Little baby Bastion's woken up. and he's crying the rest of the film. Once in a while, the dad takes the baby out just like, I can't believe I burdened myself with this child. God, hate you. And then he comes back in five minutes later like somehow that fixed the problem. And then five minutes after that, baby Bastion's crying again. Well, Baby Bastion's not going to be crying much longer, Mom and Dad, because I have a surefire cure for him. Death. As the film comes to a close, my anger rises to that of a mythical beast. And I am beyond furious now. We've hit the F10, the holy grail of tornadoes. I turned over to the father as the credits started to come up. He still ignored me and his kids who continuously kicked the seats. For a few more seconds, he sat there watching the credits, not knowing what was about to befallen him. He felt a tap on his shoulder. He was confused at first, but he quickly understood what I meant when I punched him in the back of the head, causing him to fall forward, and the straw impales into his skull. Doesn't kill him, but it sure is painful. Not as painful as what I'm about to do to the [ __ ] One of his dumb kids starts to go in for another kick of the chair, but stops short because I grab his ankle and I drop the elbow on him, causing the bone to pull through the side of the skin. I take the bone. I pull it out. I stab the kid in the chest. I look him right in the eyes as he starts to fall down in his own blood and filth. I just leave him there on the ground. I look over at the father, who's completely dumbfounded as to what happened. And it's the first time he's ever paid attention to the piece of [ __ ] I take the second kid. I grab him. I pull him in close. I hold him like this in a choker. The dad's looking at me like mm- mm. Straw coming out, some drops of slushie oozing off the side, which is quite ironic because I swear he finished that thing a [ __ ] hour ago. He was slurping around for nothing. He watches as the kid's eyes start to go and I look at him and I THINK, "YOU DON'T THINK I'LL DO IT? YOU DON'T THINK I'LL DO IT?" AND HE'S LIKE, "NO, NOT LIKE THIS. Not like this." And I go, "Mhm. Mhm." That's what I was thinking the whole movie. That's what I was snap it right in front of him. He starts to cry, but his tears won't last much longer. I jam the straw all the way through his head. He's gonzo. Done. People are starting to realize what's happening now, but they don't have much time because I quickly jump backwards, do a butterfly roundhouse kick into the side of a kid's jaw. One of the nerds that was talking about Tchala, he's going to be joining him soon. He gets hit in the side of the face. He does about 16 posy flips down the side of the aisle. What's a posy flip? What's a butterfly roundhouse? I don't know. I'm on the fly telling you this story that I'm regailing this tale of old. The girls look over and they're like, "Jottie." And I'm like, "Wipe out." Two Taylor Swift punches each. These little pop princesses go down harder than they would have if they would have figured out what the movie was about with their boyfriends. But that's not going to happen, ladies. Sorry, fellas. Ladies, leave your man at home. The other two dweebs there are like, "NO, WE HAVEN'T FINISHED watching the end credits yet." I take the cellophane wrapping from some of the candy boxes. I wrap it around one of the kid's heads like this and I pull and he's like and he goes down. He goes down hard. The other kid tries to beline it for the door. I grab a bunch of crunch box. Dead. Instant. The parents with the crying baby try to scoot away, but as they're making it for the exit, I'm already standing there like this now wearing a robe with a hoodie. And all they see, all the baby sees in the eye is the the green lightsaber come up in the reflection. And that scene's over. Some people think Anakin's the hero of Star Wars. I don't. But I also don't care because they pushed me too far, Padme. They pushed me too far. I walk back into the theater where the adult phone people are still at. I knew they'd still be there. They got nothing better to do than to just sit there and scroll and look at their stupid lives or their fake lives online. And I just wait. I give him one of these. I'm surrounded. And this is where an action scene starts. They throw a punch. In slow motion, I look, break his arm, drop an elbow, dead. The other one throws a punch behind me. Also misses. I give him a kiss from the rose. Break his arm with my head. finger in the eye. Throw him over my back into another guy. The fourth person comes up. I throw him into the air. He goes through the theater screen. Blows up. Now the whole place is on fire. There's stuff falling from the ceiling. People are running out screaming and yelling. Others are coward in the corner. Like, why? Why? Because you ruined my movie experience, you dumbass. That's why a few more people try to be heroes, but it doesn't go well. Where did they get a spear from? Then I then I woke up from my glorious dream where I was just with my quiet friends in the theater watching Captain America: Civil War in Peace. There is no peace in war, though. It's the opposite of peace, right? Number five. This was an early showing that's open to the public and to movie critics. They they assign me a seat because I'm I'm just so damn special, you know. There's my name, Adam. Adam Adam does movies right there in the middle of the theater. That's fun. And then they also email out people that are on a list that can go to movies early. It's first come, first serve. If there's not a seat, you know, too bad. They they try to guesstimate it correctly and get the right amount of butts and the right amount of seats. But sometimes, you know, it doesn't work out well and you're off on the sidelines for a little bit trying to find that one opening. So, I got there about 10 minutes before showing. I found my seat. I sat down, got my Coca-Cola classic, sat next to an older gentleman who has been in the movie industry for 50 years. And when I say in the industry, in the biz, I mean, he he plays the movies up top. He's he's a projectionist. And so, at this particular AMC, he runs the projection here a couple times a week. It's a nice deal. And he gets to go see these movies after work. He was a very lovely individual and I hope our paths cross down the road again. And I also kind of hoped the rest of the audience would be as respectful to each other as this guy was. And now we come to the point where I hope someday Jason Stathithm can play me in a feature film where he kills most of the people in this screening because that's exactly what I wanted to do. The movie has officially started. The lights have dimmed. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a good chunk of people lining against the wall looking for rogue seats that they can sit in. Keep in mind, the front two rows are pretty much entirely open. But who the hell wants to sit in the front row outside of Maniacs? There was also security posted at one of the exits who was supposed to go around and keep the riff raff at bay and make sure people aren't on their phones. And might I just add, this guy sucked at his job. Only one time out of the 10 available to him did he utilize that position of power. And he did go over and talk to the dumb asses in the front row that had their phone on bright scrolling away for the first 5 minutes of this [ __ ] movie premiere. He certainly didn't seem to mind when 30 full minutes into the movie, there were still people lying on the side talking pretty loudly about where they were going to sit. Several times throughout the course of that first 25, 30 minutes, they would wander up and down the rose with one jackass had his phone max brightness kind of like tucked up against his rib. So the white was just illuminating him like he's a [ __ ] ghost and he kind of hovered around like a ghost. Is there AN OPEN SPOT HERE? GENEVIEVE. GENEVIEVE. GENEVIEVE. I THINK THAT SPOT'S OPEN OVER THERE. NO, you dumbass. You went to the bathroom. sit down. I wish someone called him a dumbass. I wish someone told them to sit down. Alas, these people were allowed to just be obnoxious, annoying, flashing their phones everywhere throughout the entire course of the film. Eventually, they would bite the bullet and they would go sit up front. Great. Nice job, idiots. But that was just but one little portion of tonight's events. It is not uncommon for people to get up to go to the bathroom during a film. I have to do it myself. I have the bladder of a six-year-old girl. But holy [ __ ] I've never seen waves of people come and go, dillydallying around. One guy got up, four rows in front of me. He just stood up like a drone and he didn't know what to do. No one programmed him. Beep beep beep beep. Go [ __ ] yourself. He eventually slowly walked out of the theater coming back. God knows 20 minutes later. I don't know what he did. I was honestly hoping he stroked out in the hallway. And every single one of these jackasses would pull out their phone to light their way on the yellow brick road to get out of the theater room and into the hallway. Is it hard to really see where you're going? You know, most people's eyes adjust to the darkness, especially when there's a checks notes giant [ __ ] screen in front of you. I know Mutiny was dark a lot of the film, but there's still plenty of light coming off of that jumbotron. So, outside of the ghosts hovering hither and thither, outside of the people that would just stand up and not really know what their next command is for mission control, we had my favorite couple of the night, the two fat [ __ ] behind me that look like they weighed about 500 lb each. They saddled in for the night. Snack packs at the ready. And if you're about to comment to me and say, "How dare you fat shame?" I'll say it a little louder for the people in the back. Shame on these fat asses for rumaging through their cupboards and bringing their entire kitchen to this movie theater. The whole freaking movie. THIS [ __ ] WAS PLAYING WITH THE cellophane rapping for what had to have been 20 minutes straight. Honestly, after 10, I thought she was punking me. I thought that this was some sort of a joke, like she was trying to see who would flip out and they were going to post it to the gram. I'm sorry. Did I go to mutiny or stomp? Stomp feels like a very dated reference. Subscribe. A guy in the same row as me, five people away, was trying to figure out if there was popcorn left in his popcorn bucket. Everything he could think of was on the table. Oh, should I should I put it back like this? No, nothing's coming out. Should I reach around at the bottom? No, nothing's nothing's there. Oh, I know. I'll just toss it on the ground in a fit of rage like I'm a toddler. And that's what he did. D. It wasn't 5 seconds later that Fatty McGee behind me was shaking her box of craisins or Mike and I or goobers or whatever else she pulled out of her ass and that fell to the ground. And then I hear the rolling of all the different elements inside of that box. I need another box. I lost most of that to the ground. Oh. Here. Here. Do you guys mind keeping it down? Jason Staithm's trying to shoot someone right now. Jason's got an axe. I'd like to see what he does with it. I can't get this pack to jump. Just want to SEE JASON STAITHM KICK SOMEONE'S ASS. AND THIS IS WHERE I become Jason Staithm in the featurelength film. I slowly reach over and grab my nearby jean jacket. I put that on. I rise up. Alpha stance, legs spread just enough so that the the D can hang low. I look over at the slob five seats over who's still licking his fingers trying to get that last bit of butter from the bottom of the container. I reach down. We touch hands for a second before I take one of his fingers. I snap that back. I grab the empty bucket. I spin that [ __ ] around just for show. And then I put it on his head. I keep punching through that bucket in his head until my arm is completely covered, completely doused in butter itself. Since I have Stathithm speed and my newfound buttery smooth arm, I spin around razor fast and cut one of the fat ass's heads clear off. That thing flies through the air like a soccer ball, spinning like a blood sprinkler, getting everyone drenched head to toe before it, punk lands on the head of another guy up front. I put a foot up on one of the theater chairs and start jumping from shoulder to shoulder before finally taking a large leap and elbow dropping that piece of [ __ ] Two buddies get up. Hey, what are you doing? I hit that guy under the jaw. His teeth go through his nose. I tiger claw him to the head. He falls backwards into the other guy. His head hits him so hard that his skull is embedded into the other guy's nose and you can't remove him. Looks like we have ourselves some conjoined twins. The other fat ass, completely shell shocked, finally tries to get up, but he can barely move because of all the food he's ingested in this 90-minute film. His fat has completely buckled the chair, making it lower to the ground, and it has wrapped itself around the armrest to the point where if he's getting up, the chair is coming with him. Don't worry, he's not getting up. I make sure of it. As I stam walk up the aisle, I grab a straw out of someone's cup without even looking. Give it a flourish for good measure, and I embed it into one of the fat ass's eyes. Thanks. I could use a refill. I can't do impressions. I I suck up the brains through the eye socket and then snap the neck. But I'm not done yet. Some of those roaming ghosts that had the aura of weed smell the entire time decide that they want to bring out the guns. They were packing. Last time I checked, this was America, right? They pull out the Glock, but uh-oh, where's Adam? I take to the ground. Generic action music. I'm scurrying around, dodging some of the debris on the ground, grabbing legs, breaking them if they're in my way. They open fire. Good thing almost everyone in this theater sucks, so I don't care who dies. I grab the person next to me, use them as a human shield. Just tell ME HOW THE MOVIE ENDS. YOU KNOW HOW IT ENDS. IT'S A JASON STATE THE MOVIE. HE WINS. I throw the body at the nearby gunman. He blows his own head off. The gun flies through the air. I catch it around the back with a no look pull. There's two left with AR-15s. How the hell did they get them past the checks? notes. Zero security because that guy didn't do [ __ ] the whole movie. I matrix run sideways on the wall. Still sideways dodging bullets. I lunge towards the bullet storm of the gun that's still raised up in the air. I grab it, drop to a knee. I unload an entire clip into that guy's stomach. By the time I turn around, I can see right through him to the other astonished people in the audience. After the carnage has subsided, the whole place dripping with blood and body parts. I thought to myself, the movie's called Mutiny, but Jason Stathithm does not like work for the captain on the ship. He just jumped on board. It's not really mutiny at all. No one's being mutinous. So, the name kind of pissed me off, but not as much as this audience did. One of the worst experiences I ever went through. I walked out of the theater. There was a representative outside with his clipboard ready to hear my thoughts. Thoughts on the film? Uh, yeah. Have you seen a Jason Staithm movie before? Uh-huh. Well, then what the [ __ ] do you need to hear from me for? They're all the same. Number four, we were only 10 minutes into the trailers when I decided in my infinite wisdom that I should take a potty break and beline it all the way to the other side of this giant place and get myself a soda. And so I did that. I'm doing the fast shuffle walk down the aisle. I got time. I got time. I don't even wear a watch. My phone. I got time. And thankfully, I am an AMC Stubs member, which makes me better than everyone. It's like I have the fast pass at Disney World. I get to walk by all the idiots in the regular line. I got a golden ticket. Have fun waiting for me to order my soda, jackass. And wouldn't you know it, there's no one in my fastpass line. I walk right up there while there's a bunch of schmucks waiting in line behind this one family. Unfortunately, I'm also waiting behind this one family. And I did not know at the time what I do know now that these people were the worst. I waited and I waited and I waited some more for this dumb Biznatch to order a [ __ ] coffee. She asked the guy, "Do you have coffee?" The guy looks at her a little perplexed. "Uh, Jared, do we have coffee?" Jared's like, "No one's ever asked that before. Ever in the history of working here for 10 years, I think." Oh, what size is the coffee? Um, just one size, I believe. Jared, one side. Yep. Thumbs up from Jared. Um, can I see the size? Boom. Bombshell hits. I know I'm in for a long haul here now. I can either get out of the line and go ALL THE WAY BACK to the other end of the screening or I can just plant firm because I know I just have to get past this one set of people and then I'm next in line. All these other people might have been here before me, BUT I AM A PREMIUM PASSHOLDER. I HAVE THE STUMPS PASS. THE GUY BRINGS OUT THE cup and shows her the size. She's not impressed. In which I was going to say, "Hey, listen, [ __ ] It's not about the size of the cup, it's how you use it." But she didn't use it. She loses it. Which prompted her fourth question of 50 questions. She started paddling on and on to the break of dawn about 15 different types of drinks that I've never even heard of before. This guy looks like he wants to kill himself. And I'm just thinking, "Get in line, buddy. Not this line, that line. I'm first up to take myself out." The problem with all of this is she's only one person in a squad of [ __ ] The sun is waffling between a bottle of water and an icy. Healthy, sugary, healthy, bad for me. Uh, WHICH WAY DO I GO? I KNOW WHERE YOU CAN GO. YOU CAN GO [ __ ] yourself out of this line. These people never turn around once. They know what they're doing and they do not care. After what is an eternity of them ordering four bottles of water, a hot dog, and a churro, which I don't even think they had there, BUT SOMEHOW JARED GOT ONE. These idiots march of the penguins their ass out of the line. Okay, the registers opened. Now, preferably, there would be two reges, short for registers. One for me, the Stubs premium account holder, and one for the minions, the lesserans. The guy looks between the long line and the mine, and says, "I can help whoever's next." He put the ball in my court. I am a priority target customer. and he had the coonace to put that [ __ ] on me. There's a woman next to me in line. THERE'S A WOMAN NEXT TO ME. WHAT KIND of gentleman would I be if I didn't let her I'm next. I walk up. No, I'm joking. I did let her I I did let her go first. And thankfully, she had a very quick, concise order, but the damage was already done. These people, these privileged, arrogant sons of [ __ ] took all of my time. Nicole Kidman has already crossed the threshold. She is already sitting down by herself miserably in that AMC screen in that commercial for the movie theater I'm already in. And I know I am missing this movie. So now, much like that dumbass KID, I GOT TO WEIGH MY CHOICES. DO I rush with my soda and make it back to my seat, only missing maybe the first 20 SECONDS OF THE FILM? OR DO I KILL all of these people to send a message? H, bad movie, good for me. Bad movie, good for I pull out the hook just like the fisherman uses in the movie to kill the dumb teenagers. How did I get it? Jared had that, too. Thanks, Jared. Oh, I just poked myself. I run fullbore Flash style sprint. Not that goofy ass weird [ __ ] from the new Flash. Any of the other entries will do fine. I do an enhanced Fortnite jump, waving the arms like I'm in vertical limit with Christopher O'Donnell. And I plant that [ __ ] hook right through the skull of the woman. It does not kill her. It certainly doesn't make her stronger. Kelly Clarkson. I PULL IT OUT. I STAB IT INTO the kid's left shin and then I take it into his calf. THE FATHER. OH, SON. I put it up under his jaw. Looks like I caught a big one. AND I RIP his entire skeleton frame out of his skin suit. It crumples to the ground like an old timey cartoon. And then it pops up with a cane and a top hat. Hello my baby. Hello my honey. Hello my ragtime girl. I stop and laugh at the shenanigans for a second. It's nice to laugh once in a while. I got up the daughter like a fish because I'm a fisherman. It is at this point where some of the other customers realize I might be the villain here. This is my villain arc. And they start to bumrush me. I bust out a second hook and now it's like I'm working at Benihana's just slicing and dicing through these jackasses. It comes back to me like Thor's hammering. And after the carnage is finished, and I'm left looking on at the mass amount of bodies piled up around me, covered soaking head to toe in blood. A slow clap can be heard off in the distance. And who should appear before my eyes out of the shadows? A perky, beautiful, luscious Jennifer Love Huitt. I take her in my arms. I lean her over and I start to passionately make out with her only to wake up minutes later realizing I have the hook in my hand and I'm kissing that because earlier when I slapped it onto my skull, I got some temporary brain damage blacked out. And this is where we're at in life. Fictitious massacre aside, the good news in the end of this was I did actually make it back to my seat just as Nicole Kidman was sending me off. Why was there so many trailers? How was there so many trailers? I don't know, but I made it for the entirety of the film. Number three, just like the dinosaurs, [ __ ] find a way. For the first 10 or so minutes, people are still trickling in. And and now it's just acceptable to use your phone at max brightness or with the flashlight on to find your seats. Somehow, people were able to do this for centuries before the invention of the smartphone. But now, now, lo and behold, we have the answer to everything. Keep that sucker out. Make sure you know exactly where you're going. Wouldn't want you to slip or trip and fall on your [ __ ] face and break your nose. Wouldn't wouldn't want that. while I'm watching the film and you distract me with your lights, talking loudly, trying to find your imbred cousin Chip, who saved the entire row for you and your crew. I'm almost at the point where I'm numb to people being on their phones. I've just accepted it. I've lost that fight long ago. So, the the constant distractions all around, the lights, the noises. I I'm pretty good at blocking it now, which is really depressing to say. I shouldn't have to have an extra lay of filtration to block everyone around. I thought no matter what walk of life we are, where we fell on the political spectrum, where we fell on anything, we could at least come together in a safe space theater and become one, a cohesive unit watching a film together. But nope, we got to be on our phones, we got to be chatting, we got to be rude and and that's just how it is now. So, my wife, who doesn't go to a lot of movies because I'm kind of obnoxious to be around because I get frustrated by these people. She was furious the entire film. I stayed silent. She couldn't stop commenting and it was specifically for one key thing. We were watching a movie about dinosaurs, but directly in front of me was a gigantic beast who was vaping the entire movie. She was a big gal, too. So when she shifted around to get her device ready, you knew it. Oh, and also when the the puffs of smoke trailed and I could smell the cherry banaka or whatever flavor it was. Yeah, that that was pretty telling as well. To add insult to injury, she also had a child with right next to her who who got to also experience the pleasure of secondhand vape. So, I'm trying to kind of watch the movie, block out the smoke particles, block out the phones, and block out my wife who is just pissed. She's like, "I don't want to smell this crap. Why is she allowed to do this?" I'm like, "Yeah, people are allowed to do anything now in theaters. There's there's no limit. People are allowed to do everything anywhere. There there's no rules. It's chaos. It's anarchy." Uh, she eventually got up to tell one of the staff people, in which point I just kind of chuckled to myself like they're not going to do anything. They don't care. They're making like minimum wage here eventually. And I knew this was a lost cause going in because unlike good people, I do judge a book by its cover. And I knew this [ __ ] wasn't going to listen to me. But I leaned forward anyways for my wife's well-being. And I said, "Hey, you need to not vape in here." Okay, she doesn't say anything. She just looks at me stone cold like a dumbass. I say, "Yeah, I know it's tough. Life is hard, but we don't want to smell your vape." And this was actually verbatim. Usually I'm over the top, but I was actually livid because it wasn't bothering me as much as was bothering my wife. And I'm going to stand up for her and and yeah, I guess my kids, too. Whatever. Whatever. They're here, too. Woman says nothing. And then she makes it for an impressive 20 minutes before the cravings start to kick in again. And she leans forward this time and starts puffing like a goddamn chimney away from us. Yeah, that that that fixes things. Now we can't smell it. Now we can't see it. Now we can't hear it. Perfect. Flawless victory. So, just like every other bad theater experience, she wins. She gets away with cold-blooded murder, basically. Uh I I can't say anything else. She's not going to listen. Managers aren't going to come in here. They don't care. The only thing left to do is for me to gather about uh 12 different straws from cups around the theater and then stick them into every fat roll of her body. And yeah, 12's not enough straws. This was a big woman. I then gather up all the vape pens I can find. Pop those into the straws. Much like Aunt Marge from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ozan, this [ __ ] blows up four times her size. Buttons popping off. Ping ping ping. One of the buttons hits her son in the head. Mommy. Another button flies way up to a guy's phone. Reflects off. Goes through his eye. She starts to take flight like the house and up. About the same size, too. When she's almost clear to the ceiling, I grab her son, flip him like a javelin, and chuck his ass. And much like The Last Jedi, this kid slices right through her body like it's a dreadnot. Her carcass explodes, filling the auditorium with blood and guts and puss and [ __ ] As the debris washes over the theater, my kids look up and slowly remove their 3D glasses like they're looking at the first dinosaurs they've ever seen in real life, and get up slowly. I grab the top of my wife's head, turn it, she gets up, too, and that's when I say goodbye. Jurassic Park, it's been a good run, but you are long overdue to be put down. Number two, I recently took my daughter to the theater. We're both vax now, [ __ ] So, she's able to go out with me again and enjoy life to its fullest. Or, in this case, be miserable beyond all comprehension. We're greeted to several movie trailers, one of which is The Matrix, and I'm all giddy like a school girl. I can't wait to take the pill and go BACK INTO THE MATRIX. AND then the movie starts up. 2 minutes go by, everything's pleasant, everything's fine. 5 minutes go by. Things are looking pretty solid all around. No one's chatting. No one's crunching their popcorn too loud. I haven't seen a phone come up yet. 10 minutes into the movie. Houston, we're looking real good right now from where I'm sitting. All signs are a go. Looking nice coming out of the Earth's atmosphere. Heading out into space, kissing those stars for me. Say hi to the moon as you pass by on your way to Mars. I don't know. I don't know what that was. 10 minutes and 22 seconds into the film. It's a number I just made up, but it's probably accurate. A truffle of gals enter. Big gals. Gals with purpose, with meaning to their step. Every foot that hits the carpet is a price I'm about to pay as they get closer. Like a stampede of elephants, these four ladies start to bustle their way up the stairs. their trough of popcorn in one arm, their mega soda in the other, that they're slurping midw walk. We are close to the central hub of the theater. We're about 20 rows deep. These ladies are getting closer and closer and closer to lur. I'm waiting for them to take a jut left. I'm waiting for them to cut over and they won't. They keep approaching. They keep inching their way TOWARDS MY BUBBLE. AND THEN THEY PASS. And I thank the gods I know don't exist above. And I say, "Okay, we can continue liking this. The crunch is right behind me." Followed by a jostling of my chair. I fly forward. My soda's in air. I grab it and pull it back. Some of this is dramatized. Most of it is real true-to-life stuff. I set it back into its holster and I try to pretend that whatever nightmare is going on behind me is going to be over soon. The women that showed up almost 11 minutes late to this film are still in hover mode. They're standing. These are choose your own adventure seats. So, they're looking at their ticket to make sure they're in the right spot. So, Chunk behind me is doing the truffle shuffle as her ass is smashing against the back of my chair. Boom. BOOM. [ __ ] BOOM. [ __ ] A PERSON BEHIND THEM tells them to sit down. Ma'am, will you sit down, please? She does a turn, plops down so hard the vibrations on the concrete below start to shake my chair. Now I'm in some sort of a haptic chair that can feel everything. I'm trying to keep it cool for my daughter. My precious, innocent little flower is still not used to or comfortable with all of the happenings of the theater. She's still somewhat captivated and awe by the whole experience in the theater. That will be over soon. That will be over tonight because now we're not here to watch the movie. Now it's ladies night. It's their night. They planned this for a long time. They're going to get the most out of it. which means aggressively chewing loudly, slurping, opening loud plastic wrappings. Why are these candies wrapped in the loudest materials on planet Earth? WHO IN THE HELL CAME UP WITH THESE DESIGNS? OKAY, here's what I want to do. I want to put a bunch of tiny little things that will bang around cuz we're only going to fill the box half full into a very thin, ridiculous cardboard box capsule. We're going to then wrap it in cellophane. We're going to put that [ __ ] on tight, too. So, you're going to be clawing like you're trying to get out of a prison cell to get this wrapping off. We also have to somewhat warm these candies up so that they stick a little bit to the sides of the box. So, when the person tries to reach and grab one out, doesn't come out right away. They have to bang on it. You want one? You want one, Patty? You want one, Maryanne? What's happening in this movie so far? Are we late? That's when the loud talking started. Right as they sat down. Right as they got comfortable. My uncomfort started. My discomfort started. I don't think uncomfort's a word. Uncomfortable. Uncomfort. That can't be. Anyway, we're going to keep going. Oh my gosh, look at him. I haven't seen him in a movie in a very long time. Wow, he's gotten really old. Well, Patty, he's older than us. What do you expect? I EXPECT YOU TO SHUT THE [ __ ] UP AND LET ME WATCH THIS MOVIE IN SILENCE. I PAID FOR THIS. I PAID FOR MY DAUGHTER, AND NOW YOU'RE MAKING ME PAY AGAIN. After a half hour of loud talking and several turns from me doing the evil glare, my daughter jumped in, and believe me, I gave him some pretty nasty stairs. First, I went with the sympathetic look. Then I went with a more aggressive approach. Finally, I went with I'm going to end your life if you don't stop talking. I learned after the movie was over, the reason these ladies eventually shut the hell up was because my daughter intervened. She turned and gave a look so devastating, so powerful that even Kratos himself would look at that and say, "Damn, okay, that's a bit much." Bottom line is my daughter had to grow up overnight. She's not so innocent anymore. Britney Spears, if it was up to me, things would have played out a little differently. I would have turned to my daughter and politely asked her to cover her ears for a second as I casually stood up and turned around and looked these four ladies in the in the faces. Here's how this is going to play out. Either you four are going to shut the [ __ ] up right now or you're all going to drop dead. The choice is yours. And before I even turn to sit back down, which is never my intention here. I already know what's going to take place and it does. I start to turn and one of the ladies says, "Um, actually," and I punch her so hard my fist goes through her face like a water balloon slowly exploding onto a concrete floor. Her face blew up. Splatter everywhere across the back of those seats. The only thing left are pieces of the teeth that are laying on what used to be her neck. The other three freak out. One of them throws the popcorn bucket at me. I grab it in the air, spin it around my head, and slice her in two. She doesn't know at first. She's just standing there with the worst paper cut she's ever experienced until I just do one of these. And then the top half of her body, slides down onto the ground. Wet, gross chunks of what used to be a woman lay there. The third lady, TRIES TO RUN, trips over the body, hits her head on the back of the chair. Her eye is out of the socket, hanging there. The fourth lady tries to take off. She's running down the aisle. And by the way, I'm not fat shaming these women. They could have been skinny for all I care. I'm [ __ ] shaming, but I have to give you a description so you know what you're looking at. Okay, Patty's running down the aisle. still drinking the soda. I'll give her credit. She's still drinking the soda. But I still have mine as well. I pull out the straw like it's a goddamn javelin. And I chuck it at her. This thing flies through the air like it was shot out of Cupid's bow. Except for this isn't a love arrow. It's one of hate. It's one of rage. It's one of anger. Goes right through the middle of her head. She goes head over apple cart down the stairs. Every time she hits the ground, people in the audience fly up INTO THE AIR. BOOM. WHOA. BOOM. WHOA. THE ONE WITH THE eye dangling tries to get back up. She's trying to put the eye back in. Slowly, she's limping away as she climbs over the husk that used to be one of her gal pals. She's going down the steps, blood trailing behind her as she looks for safety, for freedom. I'm on the other side still in awe of what's happening. This lady's going down the stairs like she's one of the lost boys in Hook. You know, the one that turns into a big bowling ball. That's what's going on here. Maryanne cidles around the corner. She's almost home free. All she has to do is get out of this theater in one piece. She's limping. She's getting closer. The door is right there. She can see the piercing of the light underneath. In the distance, she hears me yell, "Get back here, coward." What she wasn't anticipating as she hobbles towards the door and pulls on that silver handle was my daughter spider monkeying up the side of the ledge and dropping onto her shoulders. My daughter looks down at her from above and says, "Please don't ruin the movie experience for others. Silence your mouth and twist, snapping her neck, dropping that piece of luggage onto the ground." She joins me in the center of the auditorium. And I wipe the sweat from my brow. We look on to the audience who is not only in awe of what's happened, but are standing up clapping. A round of applause for us. Roses are thrown at her feet, confetti in the air, popcorn soaring. It's a beautiful experience and uh one that I'll cherish in my mind forever, but that's nothing more than a pipe dream of mass murder. No, these ladies actually accomplished their goal. They had their ladies night. They had their fun. And what did it cost them in the end? everything for me. Nothing for them. Everything for me. The experience of the movie was was was ruined. So, thank you ladies. Hope it was worth it. Number one, I don't know if it was the two hours of unbridled violence that got to me or the teen speak in the corner. But when the film ended, um, my wife got up to leave because she didn't want to have to deal with their shenanigans. She's like, "Let's go. I don't care if there's an end credit scene. I just want to get out. High schoolers scare me." I said, "I get it." And as we left, I said, "Oh, I forgot my jacket. I'll catch up to you." I then went back to the theater to retain my garment that I intentionally left. As I slowly lean down to grab the coat, I can hear one of the teenagers heckling me from a distance, B. Midler style. My ear is a tingle and my BODY IS IN RAGE MODE. AS THE HECKLING CONTINUES, I slowly rise up, revealing the concealed weapon in my pocket, which is very akin to that of the murder weapon in the film Scream we just got done watching. I then jump up onto the chair, and I am in a full jump sprint as I leap from chair to chair, piggybacking off of both the seat and off people's shoulders. Whoosh. I then do a full Drax jump into the air and plant the knife right into the [ __ ] shoulder of one of THESE LITTLE SHITS. [ __ ] HE'S IN PAIN. I twist the knife and I take it up through the side of his face. I then grab the corner of his eye, peel back the top part, and reveal clearly no brains inside because this [ __ ] has nothing going on upstairs. the one girl in the group who talked the loudest because she's trying to impress all the booze. SHE GOES, "WHAT THE FUCK?" I look at her as I finish sculping her boy toy and I say, "I'm saving you for the end, bitch." She gets up and tries to run. I flip the knife, hit her in the back of the skull with the handle. She goes down so hard she breaks her nose open. Blood is everywhere. She's crawling on the ground trying to get back up, but she's a little disoriented from, you know, the fall. Two clown shows are on both sides of me. DUDE, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? I drop an elbow to his face. Finger up the nostril. Pull the whole nose out. With Voldemort keeled over, I just have to deal with this one. I punch him three hard times into the gut. He starts throwing up involuntarily. One other [ __ ] is in a full boore sprint trying to get out of the room. He leapfrogs over his girlfriend and starts making his way to the door. I90s action star saunter over to the knife on the ground and without even looking at it, I kick down hard. The knife goes up into my hand Tom Cruz Mission Impossible 2 style. I throw the knife like a goddamn predator. It sails by, clipping the side of his face. It's just a beautiful slice right across the top of the forehead. The knife sticks into the wall. I start to T1000 walk faster towards him. Grab him by the hair. Smash his face into the seat what had to have been a thousand times. Nothing left of his face. Not even his dental records are going to show who this [ __ ] was. His noseless friend decided he wants to be a big boy. Comes running at me with a bucket of popcorn. And I don't know what he thinks he's going to do with that. But as he approaches, I jump backwards towards the wall. Foot plant on the knife sticking out and jump flip over him. He then goes full boore into THE KNIFE HANDLE. AS I LAND, I do a JeanClaude Vanam roundhouse kick, driving his fat ass gut into the handle. Grab him by the back of his hoodie. Peel him off. Take the knife out of the wall. Start to brow walk over to the chick on the ground. She's only made it like five feet since we last interacted. From her point of view, all she sees are some bloody shoes. Step into frame. She looks up. I pull up the knife. Not like this. >> Not like this. I guess I started to feel bad because I slowly start to lower the knife before my wrist is caught. And I look up and see my wife now right next to me. Takes the knife and sticks it into the girl's hand. A now pinned to the floor. She can't even remove the knife herself with the handle sticking up out of the hand. I know there's only one way to finish this fight. So I hit her head down so that her face drives into the bunt of this thing. As we're leaving the theater hand in hand, I look at my wife and say, "Well, what' you think of the movie?" Without even breaking her ey line or her stride, she says, "Well, it wasn't my favorite, but I sure loved the final act." It's true. All of it. You know what? When you put all of that together like that, it really does make me out to be a very stable, welladjusted man. Subscribe. Uh, I appreciate you sticking around and watching. If you made it all the way through the gauntlet to violence, I would appreciate if you really did subscribe to the show. Adam does movies if you haven't already. I post lots of movie reviews, live streams, uh, you know, just commentary on going to films in general. would love to have you stick around. All right. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have several movies lined up for the rest of this week, and I can't wait to have great experiences with the crowds. I'm sure no one's going to tick me off at all. I'm going to have to do a sequel to this in a couple years. I just know it. Thanks again for watching the video. If you didn't know, I'm a oneman operation here at Adam's Movies. I also have a full-time job. I got a family to take care of. And I would absolutely love if you supported me on patreon.com/adamdosmov like these beautiful people did here. These are the silver and gold members. There's also a bronze membership starting at $1, plus access to over 300 videos from the Atom vault at any support level. I would really appreciate it. It's the best way to support the show. Hope to see you there.