Video summary
The story of Hector and Mary began in 2006 with a chance encounter in a bar in Mount Vernon, Illinois, where Hector, a Marine veteran on leave, stepped up to defend Mary from an unwanted suitor. Although they initially hid the truth about his military service due to Mary's hesitation toward that lifestyle, their bond deepened over time until Hector deployed to Iraq. During this deployment, he suffered his second traumatic brain injury (TBI) after being electrocuted while checking a communication line outside the wire. The incident left him with severe stuttering and significant memory loss, yet the medical response was inadequate, providing only basic pain relief before sending him back to duty. Upon returning home, Hector struggled to hide his condition from the Marine Corps for fear of being labeled non-deployable, eventually re-enlisting and attending recruiter school in an attempt to be closer to Mary.
Tragedy struck again at recruiter school when a basketball accident caused a third major TBI, resulting in brain swelling that could not be fully assessed due to shrapnel in his eye. This injury fundamentally altered Hector's personality, transforming the calm anchor he once was into someone prone to sudden aggression and frustration, particularly when facing imperfections or memory lapses. As Mary watched her husband's world change, she found herself thrust into the role of a full-time caregiver, navigating his cognitive decline and emotional volatility. The pressure intensified during his recruiting duty when Hector experienced a profound mental health crisis involving homicidal ideation, leading to inpatient psychiatric care that shattered their trust and left him emotionally numb on heavy medication. Eventually, with the help of friends, they transitioned out of the military in 2014, only to face new invisible battles in civilian life where simple choices could trigger intense emotional shutdowns.
By 2016, Mary was completely exhausted from the secondary trauma and the weight of managing their household alone, reaching a breaking point where she felt ready to give up. A recreational therapist named John intervened by pushing for Hector's admission to a winter sports clinic, where skiing helped restore his confidence and sense of freedom. However, this progress highlighted the stark lack of support for caregivers; when Mary sought help from a VA social worker, she was told there were no programs or resources available unless one was a paid caregiver. This revelation struck a blow to millions of unpaid family members who serve as the backbone of veteran recovery yet remain largely invisible to the system. Despite these barriers, Mary refused to stay on the sidelines, instead inserting herself into the caregiver network to advocate for change and build connections with others facing similar struggles.
Today, Hector and Mary have forged a partnership strengthened by fire rather than fractured by it, finding solace in shared experiences at support groups where laughter replaces isolation. These gatherings provide a vital sanctuary for Mary, allowing her to relax without the constant anxiety of managing daily crises or worrying about their next move. Through counseling and peer networks, they have learned to navigate triggers, communicate effectively, and recognize that their struggles are not unique but part of a larger community ready to support them. As Hector now walks the clinics sharing his story and Mary builds roadmaps for other military families, their journey illustrates that neither the veteran nor the caregiver must face the invisible wounds of war alone. With DAV's advocacy expanding access to financial stipends, mental health services, and respite care, the narrative is shifting to ensure that caregivers are recognized, supported, and empowered to continue their vital service.
Read the full video transcript
[music]
>> Welcome to the DAV podcast.
I'm Jonathan Koopenger.
And it's story time.
Every veteran story has a beginning.
Sometimes it starts in a recruiter's
office.
Sometimes on a battlefield.
But for Marine veteran Hector and his
wife Mary,
it started in a crowded bar in Mount
Vernon, Illinois back in 2006.
Mary had just moved to town celebrating
her birthday when a guy who didn't quite
know how to take a hint was trying to
get her number. And then the door swung
open.
>> Next thing I know,
this good-looking guy walks through the
through the door and yells, "Yo, TJ, get
me a beer." And I spun around and like,
"Who is that?"
>> [laughter]
>> Who commands a room?
>> I was home on leave from before
deploying to Iraq. Soon as I come in and
we both clicked. Like we I I
yeah.
>> Hector stepped in with a bit of
quick-witted courage. He walked up to
the guy hitting on Mary and asked, "Why
are you talking to my wife?"
The guy pointed out that there wasn't a
ring on her finger. Hector's response,
"Oh, well, we left it at home so nobody
would steal it."
And that night Mary fashioned a ring out
of a dollar bill and the two talked
until 7:00 the next morning.
>> [music]
>> But Hector left out one detail. He
didn't tell Mary he was a Marine.
He just said he worked out in California
because Mary had already been down the
military road before.
Really wasn't looking to get involved
with that lifestyle again.
But by the time she found the truth out
a year later, she was already hooked.
But neither of them could have predicted
the twisting harrowing path that lay
ahead. Or the fact that Mary's role
would drastically shift from wife to
caregiver, navigator, and lifesaver.
In 2006, Hector deployed to Iraq.
It was during this deployment that he
suffered a traumatic brain injury, his
second TBI overall, in an incident that
should have taken his life.
Hector was checking a communication line
that kept going down outside the wire.
>> As soon as I um
hooked the cable, I it completed the
circuit right through my body.
And I couldn't get it off. I was just
like there, and I was like I couldn't do
anything. I couldn't move my jaw, and I
felt my whole
like my muscles were betraying me.
Like I couldn't move anything, and then
uh all I kept kept saying kick it, kick
it, kick it.
>> The lance corporal with him finally
kicked the cable so hard he fell
backwards, breaking the current.
The switch [music] hadn't been grounded.
Hector survived,
but the electricity left immediate
damage.
He began stuttering severely and lost
vast blocks of his memory.
When he managed to call home, his mother
knew instantly that something was wrong.
Yet, in the stark reality of the
deployment cycle at the time, the
medical response was jarringly basic.
>> They gave him Motrin and water and sent
him back out.
>> The one of the guys said it's like with
how much amperage was going through that
cable, you should have been dead. Uh
it wasn't it wasn't my time.
>> Hector finished the deployment hiding
his struggles from the Marine Corps out
of fear of being labeled non-deployable.
He got out in 2008, but missed the Corps
terribly.
After a period of long-distance dating,
he re-enlisted,
served a two-year tour in Okinawa, and
eventually went to recruiter school so
he could be closer to Mary.
But at recruiter school, tragedy struck
again.
During a basketball game, a large
[music] student ran Hector over like a
semi-truck hitting a compact car. He was
knocked unconscious, suffering his third
major [music] TBI, and his brain began
to swell.
Because he had three pieces of shrapnel
embedded in his left eye from a previous
incident, they couldn't give him an MRI,
relying only on CT scans.
And once again, the Marine inside him
pushed through when he should have just
rested.
But this time, the damage couldn't be
hidden.
And Mary was thrust onto the front lines
of an entirely different kind of
warfare.
Mary was studying [music] to be an
occupational therapy assistant at the
time, and she knew the medical reality.
Hector needed absolute brain rest.
>> [music]
>> No TV, no reading, no studying.
>> [music]
>> Instead, Hector pushed through recruiter
school, and Mary watched [music] his
entire personality alter.
You see, when they first met,
Mary was the explosive person, and
Hector was the calm, chill anchor who
would sit down with her son and talk
through a problem with absolute
patience.
But after the third TBI, the switch
flipped.
>> He became [music]
the one that would attack quick or be
aggressive quickly.
I remember one time he was making trying
to make an omelet,
and the egg was not turning out the way
it he wanted it, and next thing I know,
the fly frying pan goes flying, and I
was like, "Shit, what did I get into?"
>> It It was like a perfection because I
was I knew I was losing control.
It was I I wanted it to be perfect, and
and it wasn't working, and I was like it
was more angry because I was losing
control and I couldn't do things [music]
like I used to.
>> Hector was drowning in his own changing
mind,
struggling with word finding and memory.
If Mary tried to finish a sentence for
him, it sparked intense frustration.
And this is where the unseen work of a
caregiver truly begins.
Mary had to learn to watch his eyes and
his body language, being hyper-vigilant
in recognizing the invisible warning
signs of a bad day. She became his
cognitive proxy, [music] absorbing his
frustration while trying to keep their
world from spinning out of control.
The pressure peaked during his
recruiting duty. The crushing hours and
structural friction triggered a profound
mental health crisis. Hector found
himself dealing with extreme homicidal
ideation towards a colleague,
called Mary who desperately urged him to
go to the emergency room. But instead of
finding a safe harbor, they put him on
heavy medication that left him entirely
numb.
>> I can't feel anything if I one of my
[music] family members or anything died,
I don't think I'd cry. It was to the
point I was like, "Look, listen.
If
I'm going 70, 80 miles an hour on a
highway and I let go the steering wheel
and if it goes left or right and I hit a
tree, the car hit the tree and I run
through the windshield and hit the tree,
I don't think I'd feel it.
>> When he confessed those thoughts to the
doctors, the military police and EMTs
were called. Hector was taken to
inpatient psychiatric care. Trust was
entirely shattered.
To survive the system and prevent being
administratively separated, Hector
learned to put on what he calls the
clown face,
researching what [music] to say to pass
his medical checks just to get out.
Eventually, with the help of a friend,
they escaped recruiting duty,
transitioned out of the military in
2014, and moved back to Illinois.
But the civilian world brought its own
invisible battlefields. Simple everyday
choices like deciding what clothes to
wear without a military uniform
guideline could trigger a whirlwind of
anger and absolute shutdown.
And who bears the brunt of this
whirlwind?
The caregiver.
By 2016, Mary was completely exhausted
by the emotional rollercoaster, the
secondary trauma, and the sheer weight
of carrying an entire household on her
shoulders. She was ready to call it
quits.
And then came a recreational therapist
named John.
John recognized the deep pain Hector was
carrying and spent weeks pushing a
package to get him into the winter
sports clinic.
Hector, born in Puerto Rico, joked that
he didn't ski because there wasn't any
snow on the island. But John persisted.
And that mountain changed everything.
>> But by the, you know, second, third day
into it, man, I was it I was sold. It's
like going up to the mountain and just
coming down the hill and able to make
[music] turns. It built that confidence.
And it's just like, man, it was just
like freedom again. And meeting other
veterans, uh you know, especially the
TBI the the TBI support group, [music]
10 years ago, that turned my whole life
around.
>> But while Hector was finding his footing
on the snow, Mary was realizing the
stark painful truth about the veteran
support system.
In 2023, during a TBI support meeting at
the clinic, Hector publicly shared for
the first time just how close his
suicidal ideations had come to reality.
It was a breakthrough for him, but a
heavy crushing weight for her.
And this was when Mary realized she was
entirely alone in her foxhole.
>> As a caregiver, it was like, who do I
have to talk to? Who do I have to
connect
I was struggling because taking care of
the house, working, taking care of him,
taking care of the kids.
We hit a rut in the road and
things were getting ugly again and
I felt like we were going into that dark
zone again.
And I was like, I can't do this again.
And so I text John and I was like, I
need resources. I need help. What is
there for the caregiver?
I think they were social workers um and
she goes, oh, there's nothing.
And she was a VA, I think she was a
social worker. And she goes, there's
nothing for caregivers. She goes, we
don't have any programs. Unless you're a
paid caregiver, we can't help you.
And I was like, I was like, you got to
be kidding me. Like, no wonder like
veterans are like high on the divorce,
high on the suicidal rates. No wonder
like
spouses just walk away because they
they've had enough.
>> There's nothing.
Those words are a gut punch to the
millions of family caregivers across the
country.
They are the unpaid, unsung backbone of
veteran recovery.
Saving the health care system billions
of dollars, yet they are routinely left
out in the cold.
At DAV, we know that when a veteran is
wounded, the whole family serves.
That's why changing this exact narrative
is at the heart [music] of DAV's
mission. Through relentless advocacy,
DAV has fought to expand the VA's
program of comprehensive assistance for
family caregivers, ensuring that
caregivers of all eras get their
financial stipends, mental health
services, and respite care they
drastically need.
Because a caregiver shouldn't have to be
paid by an outside agency just to have
their burdens recognized by the VA.
Mary texted John with a desperate plea.
We need help now.
He connected them with a VA marriage
counselor who helped save the
relationship, teaching them how to
navigate communication, recognize
triggers, and manage vocal tone.
Yet the early institutional barriers
remained.
>> [music]
>> At a subsequent event, caregivers were
initially told they could only watch
from the sidelines.
And when Mary [music] complained, Hector
gave her some tough Marine style love.
He said stop complaining and find a
solution.
And that's exactly what Mary did.
>> [music]
>> She inserted herself into the caregiver
network pushing for change. And today
the strict walls have broken down making
room for true fellowship, connection,
and believe it or not a lot of laughter.
>> It was a good ab workout tonight.
Laughing and also facial workout cuz man
it was busy.
Nothing nonstop over there. There's 20
cuz we're laughing I was like oh yeah
I've been there. Welcome to the club. I
was like I will forget this and we'll
forget that and it's like comparison I
was like oh man that's we're not alone.
And we're not crazy.
>> Tonight getting
invited to special dinner, getting to
sit down with other caregivers and
theirs
their participant and just being able to
cut loose, laugh, and just have a really
good time, um building those connections
with other caregivers,
um sharing resources, and and just
knowing that there's other people out
there
that have either walked the walk or
they're walking a harder walk than what
we're walking.
>> For Mary these moments offer a rare
vital sanctuary. Back home life is high
stakes and a real date night can be
incredibly hard to come by.
>> Cuz there's days that the anxiety runs
high whether you know just coming down
here. And we were talking about how
anxiety can affect them and keeping them
on time, telling them where to go, and
just being able to come down here and
enjoy a dinner, enjoy a night, and not
have to worry about
where we where we got to go next or what
do we have to do or
it was just it was nice to just relax.
>> They deal with us and you know they're
the one that know our
downfalls.
>> And your triggers.
>> Our triggers and how to handle and
and then coming out here and then seeing
some of the stuff that they'll learn and
I'll say oh well you did this. This is
help you out. So, like we should try
that at home or anything, and but not
knowing in the background of how much
>> It works.
>> that she has done
with my recovery, especially, you know,
that you know the story of you know,
from a few months ago, and
it had opened so much door
uh since then, and I know she has gone
through a lot.
>> In the world of trauma and TBI recovery,
the path is never linear.
>> [music]
>> There are peaks, and there are valleys.
But when you look at Hector and Mary
today, you don't see a couple fracturing
under the weight of injury. You see a
partnership forged in fire.
>> It It makes those downhills
easier to swallow because like right now
it's a uphill, right? And we're on a
high. And so, if we do tumble, it's
easier to remember, okay, this is just a
valley that we have to climb out of. And
sometimes we learn new tools, sometimes
we learn each other's triggers or tone
that hey, it wasn't meant. It allows us
room to grow, and that has strengthened
us.
>> Yeah, and not only that, it's like okay,
so whenever I'm struggling or I'm at my
low or anything, she'll come around and
say like, you're loved, dude. It's like,
you got remember those guys, remember
this. Pulled me right out of that
dark or dark or that
hole that I was in, and and just re-
introducing those thoughts and memories,
and it's just great, and then it just
makes us stronger. I mean, it
we're
right now we're we're fighting we're
fighting together, not against.
>> Today, Hector spends his time walking
around the clinics, talking to other
veterans, listening to their stories,
and sharing his own. And right beside
him is Mary, no longer walking on
eggshells, but building a roadmap for
other military families.
If you or a loved one are navigating the
invisible wounds of war, remember that
neither the veteran nor the caregiver
has to complete this circuit alone.
There is a community ready to pull you
through.
For our veterans, if you're struggling
with the transition, dealing with the
aftermath of a TBI, or need help
securing the medical benefits you
earned, DAV is here.
You can connect with a DAV benefits
advocate entirely free of charge by
visiting dav.org [music]
and click on the get help now button.
They will help you navigate the system
so you don't have to fight it on your
own.
For our caregivers, if you're feeling
isolated in your foxhole like Mary once
was, please know that your service
[music] is seen and you deserve a
roadmap, too.
You are a critical part of the care team
and DAV is fighting for you on Capitol
Hill and in local communities.
Through our partnership and initiatives,
DAV offers dedicated support, peer
networks, and resources tailored
specifically for military families.
Head to dav.org, click on the get help
now button, and scroll down [music] to
the caregivers tab, find your community,
access caregiver specific resources, and
claim your strength. Don't wait for
things to boil over. Reach out, find
your solution, and let's build that
roadmap together.
If Hector and Mary's story resonated
with you, please take a moment to like
this episode, subscribe to the podcast,
and drop a comment below.
Sharing your thoughts helps DAV reach
more military families who might be
looking for their own way out of a
foxhole.
Until next time, I'm Jonathan Copeinger.