THIS Will Instantly Change How You View Dating

Today we're going to talk about how to create meaning in your relationship. We're going to revamp the dating game today. Are you ready for that, Paula? Okay. Most dating advice focuses on attraction and chemistry and flirting and texting and sex. And yet what keeps a man and woman emotionally bonded over time is something simpler. Do you know what it is, Paula? >> Um, tell me. >> Oh, you tell me. >> I was going I'm going to say conversation, communication, things like that. >> What's the D word? >> Discourse. >> Discourse. There you go. I thought you were like a yeah. Discourse is the exchange of ideas, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, experiences, and perspective. It's not merely talking. It's engaging with another person's inner world. And a lot of couples think they're communicating, yet very few people have meaningful conversations. And we're going to talk about the importance of this because, you know, well, I want your take on this because did you give this thought before we met? >> Oh my god, all the time. Yeah. >> Oh, really? Talk to me about that. >> I I well, we'll talk about the the game I used to bring out every so often, but I felt like if somebody couldn't sit in communication and discourse and have conversations about and I'm not I'm not talking about politics, religion, things that like that that are polarizing per se, but something a little beyond like what movies do you like and what music do you like, you know. >> Reminds me of that Seinfeld episode. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. You know, and and in fact, our first meeting, I don't call it a date, I call it a meeting, um, we started with a bit of discourse. >> We started with a lot of discourse. >> Okay. [laughter] And and let me just say this, you know, I I think of discourse and I think of discord, you know, kind of being [clears throat] Yeah, it's it's really about expressing ideas, thoughts, feelings about something. And so our first meeting, we started off on this whole debate I I call it a debate, okay? But, we had a slightly difference of opinion on something. >> We had opposing views. >> Opposing views. Not radically opposing views. But, why this is so important, which most people would say, "God, this is the way you two started?" Like, that's analytical or something like that. >> I think >> Well, let me share Let me share what it was. So, really quickly. We had a debate or a difference of opinion on masculine and feminine energy related to polarity, related to courting, and we had two different points of view. So, our our conversation started not adversarial, but kind of >> And And this is where I'm going with it. I want to say that we both felt like we had equally valid arguments, for lack of a better >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> And where it went was into I'm curious, why do you think like that? >> Yes. >> And that was what started the communication along that line. But, I think what's important about it is that we we got into curiosity very quickly about how the other thinks and feels about not just that subject. >> No, I Yeah, I mean, By the way, in a few moments, I'm going to share 10 examples of discourse that we engage in, and maybe this might help you in your relationship or even in the dating practice, and we're going to turn you on to a game that we like to play as well. So, what was interesting about that? It wasn't like I'm right, you're wrong. It's more It was more like, "Well, I feel strongly about this, and you and I you'd go, "Well, why do you feel so strongly about it?" And then you felt so strongly about it. I'm like, "Why did you feel so strongly about that point of view?" And as you said a moment ago, it was about the curiosity. >> Yeah. >> And why I believe I want Why I wanted to even do a a video about this, and you were the one that said, "Let's talk about it from the context of meaning." >> Yes. Yes. >> Okay. >> Yes. >> I looked at the idea of discourse as an activity two people do, but you said, "No, no, no, this has to do >> about the activity. I feel like when I was in the dating world, for me, and and even early relationships, for me, it was important to establish depth. >> Yeah. >> important for me to establish how deep can you go, you know? And and yeah, that could have been a turn-off for some people. For the most part, I think if done I don't even want to say well, if done >> with >> sincerely >> from the heart and with curiosity and and and and under the category of exploration. >> Yes. >> Right? That it then becomes a I'm interested in what you have to say. I'm interested in how you feel about this thing, and I'm interested about what you think. >> So, here's where my beef is in so much dating rhetoric and the advice out there, and it's so focused on attraction and romance and entertainment and physical connection that you're really not getting to know another person. Through our 5-hour first meeting, I was like, I think I kind of get a sense of how you think. I mean, now, it was a baseline. I mean, I didn't really the more I got to know you, the more I realized who you are at a much deeper level, but what happened was because we spoke so much from the heart, >> Yeah. >> um that we were finding ourselves getting closer to one another, even though this wasn't our first, you know, we didn't have that intense chemistry, per se, but I still felt a desire to get to know you >> Yes. >> because of that. >> that's where a lot of people lack in the very beginnings of their dating relationships. >> Yeah. >> I think there are some women who fear in some ways going into the deep and they're questioning because it might feel like almost like an interview process. Um and then I feel some men are not challenged to go there. >> Ah. >> And if they're not challenged, they just don't. >> Yes. >> For whatever reason, maybe they fear that, you know, they're you know, not going to be taken properly or >> So So you mentioned interview process and you know, if you've known me for a while, you know, I I believe that you don't interview a person, you interrogate that. Now, what is interrogation? If you look at it from the definition, it's about getting to the truth of something. You know, that's what a detective does. It gets to the truth of Did you commit the crime or not? And we do it under the hot lights. And I'm saying this tongue in cheek and yet if two people are meeting with the intent of exploring a dating scenario or exploring a relationship scenario, then who cares if you go deep quickly? Now, does that mean you share secrets right from the very beginning? No, you don't share private personal things that until trust has been built. But going deep is how you genuinely get to know someone to create meaning out of the relationship. >> Yeah. >> Now, you said something. Most men won't go there. >> No, what I said is most men are not challenged to go there, so they don't go there. >> So it's interesting. We had dinner last week with dear friends of Mars or mine and now they're yours. And you were sitting with my oldest dearest friend and you were like going deep with him. You were like >> Yeah, you dug in. And And you were surprised that he was willing to go there with you. >> And it was the second time. But you were surprised also. The very first time that happened, you were surprised that he went into the deep with me. >> You know, no. I mean, only surprised is because I've given the characterization he doesn't go there. But it didn't occur to me. He doesn't go there cuz he's not challenged to go there. And so, why is this important for women to know is if a man doesn't go deep, well, then he's probably not your guy. But better to try and see if he's willing to go to the deep end instead of being fearful he's incapable of going in the deep end. >> and then not not doing so could sacrifice your own boundaries and your own desires to go into the deep and have a meaningful relationship. I mean, what what is meaning if we're not going into the deep? >> Yeah. So, let's share with everybody 10 things that 10 things we went down the rabbit hole and we still do this on a regular basis. So, the first one was And and by the way, this is in no particular order, everyone. But the first one I wrote down was exploring each other's childhood experiences. How your how our family shaped who we are, our belief system about love, safety and relationship. >> question on that end would simply be, "Tell me about your mother. Tell me about your father. What was your relationship like with them?" >> Yeah. >> Uh do you still have a relation I mean, if they're still alive. I mean, in our case, both our parents have passed. But like, do you still have a relationship with your parents? It's surprising how many people don't have a relationship with their parents. And and there's probably a story in there. And within the story can reveal so much about a person's emotional maturity when you start diving in. You know, you got the sense, you know, I've always said I tend to choose women like my mother, you know, who were emotionally unavailable. >> [laughter] >> Um I think partly >> got there because I was curious about what your relationship was like with her. You know, we started talking about past relationships and my favorite question, by the way, is what would your ex tell me about you? >> Well, we got that later on down the list, okay. >> Um but that but that also, you know, really >> By the way, which ex? >> [laughter] >> All of them. >> I've got my ex-wife and my two other significant relationships before I met you. Fact is I reflect upon that, you know, some people would think, "Oh my god, you've had three, now four significant relationships." By the way, we're coming up on 1 year together this week. Yay! So, um and now we live together. Um but each one I I think for the most part, well, you met my ex-wife and you met my other previous relationship. Uh so, and I think they both say relatively nice things about me. So, but talking about our childhood experiences was something to give us a flavor of who you were before you got here to this moment in time when I met you. In fact, many of our conversations in the beginning to create that that discourse was about who were you before I met you, which included things um and another thing we talked about was discussing fears and vulnerabilities early on. Do you remember one of my vulnerable, fearful things I shared >> you told me you that you you're not How did you put it? You're challenged by traveling. >> Yes. >> [laughter] >> Well, I I openly Well, I don't know if I suck at it. We haven't gone We've gone on a trip and I did very well. Um I've said that I struggle with international travel when I'm in a place I'm unfamiliar with. Now, why I led with that was because I know so many women put on their dating profiles, you know, "Please have passport, will travel" for those of us in midlife. So, I wanted to lead with "Hey, look, I'm not good at it." But, what was >> In some ways, I think you almost were using reverse psychology on me. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. [laughter] Well, the other thing is I'm not good at planning it. So, I'm like, I want to know, "Hey, listen, are you" I'm trying to find a Can you plan it and be okay with it? Well, no, Jonathan, that's not part of the masculine energy and that totally makes me lose my feminine and I go into my masculine and all that. I want to vomit kind of >> Yeah, that was part of our conversation, too. You know, that that you shared this vulnerability about your struggles with traveling. And and and and your And that's how we veered into the masculine and feminine conversation. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. I agree with that. >> it was one of those, well, you know, can you get on a plane? Can you get on a train? Can you get in an automobile kind of thing? Like, you know, what are you willing to to work with out there, right? So. >> You shared a vulnerability with me about maybe not being able to fully surrender to love. >> Yes. >> You know, that in your past you had reservations in that area. And what was interesting about you sharing that is that put gave me a pause. >> Yeah. >> Because I'm like, "Uh-oh, is she going to be like the pattern of women I've had before?" >> Yes. >> But, what we did is we talked with each other. I I can't stress this enough. You know, most couples talk at each other. They're talking about and they're trying to win the conversation. And to the extent that I wanted to win our first conversation, I mean, I wanted you to see my point of view. And you tended to You started to come to the dark side, you know. >> That's true. >> On this whole conversation. So, the third thing on the list that I wrote down was talking about the meaning of love and not just I love you. But, what love actually is and Do you remember my little saying about I love you? You probably don't. >> So well I hopefully I embody what I'm about to share but I've said I love you means to me is I'm here. >> Yes. >> You matter. We are important. I've got your back. I'm not going where and I only want you and I'm here means I'm present. >> Yeah. >> And and >> You are all that by the way. >> Aw thank you. I appreciate that. But where where I'm going with this is to be present. You know how many people are thinking about their work? They're thinking about something else going on. They're thinking about what they want to say next. They're thinking about their >> Or their next sentence. >> Exactly. Their next sentence. >> present in the conversation and I think that that really cannot lead itself to curiosity because you're you're busy thinking about what's next. >> Exactly and so I'm here you matter means you matter you know when I say I love you it means your feelings matter commensurate to my feelings. You know your what's in your best interest is my best interest. We >> So a lot of people that you would ask that to in the dating world though >> Yeah. >> wouldn't necessarily know a good answer to that. That's a that is a loaded >> love you I means? >> You are versed in verbage around love. >> Okay. >> Okay. And and to ask the average guy let's just say or the average gal what the answer to that is I think many of us would struggle. Because love is a very esoteric um and meaningful experience and I think it shows itself in so many different ways. So I I think there's an pat answer for that. I think the answer is the right answer if it matches the other person. >> Okay, so well, here's where I want to go with that and and to the extent that >> Anybody who answers the question of what is love is all right in my book anyway. Like >> Well, it's at least the exploration of it, but you know, here's the thing. It is said that we humans all want connection. So, whether you're a man or woman out in the dating realm, everybody wants some level of connection. Most men drive it through physical connection, but they want connection. But most importantly, I think everyone wants to at least feel loved. It doesn't mean they have the capacity to give love, but they want to feel loved. And if you don't have a sense of what that is and you're in the dating marketplace, well, then figure that out. Like figure out what that really means to you. What does commitment mean to you? What does a relationship mean to you? What does it look like for you? Instead of the half-hazard haphazardly cavalier casual way people are dating. I'm a little bit more, you know, what is it? Puritan in this. >> So, I you know, I've come across those who are, you know, somebody in there said a lot of men are looking for more of a superficial relationship and I think that there are plenty of those, too. But I've also dated where um uh you know, the guy has said to me "What do you mean you're just looking for, you know, fun time?" I mean, like this is several years back when I was and he he got a little PO'd at me and said, "Well, if you're not intentional about this, then you and I aren't a fit." >> Good for him. >> was it was so I think that the communication piece is really strong. Um it and it can be strong on both sides. It really does depend. Um but I think a lot of women are assuming men are only in the superficial uh space and I think what happens is it is a a um What's the word? An assumption on their part without having to go further into the deep. >> So So, um really quickly, yesterday Paul and I went for a walk. We live at the beach. And we came across a guy who was reading a book. Um and um it was a self-help book. >> And you had read it before. It was something like um don't believe everything you think. >> Don't believe everything you think. Now, this guy wasn't wearing a shirt. He had a tattoo on his arm here and he was very buff. And you know, to look at him you go, "Oh, this guy's an alpha guy." >> I would have thought if I had seen him on the dating apps that this was a gym rat. >> Yeah. >> That's what I would have thought. >> And and I so I I stopped him and I said, "Oh, I've you know, I've been meaning to read this book. I have it and I haven't read it yet." And we end up having a 20-minute conversation with him. This guy was a 43-year-old man, went through a divorce, uh has two children and he was deep. And to look at him you wouldn't think it based on a superficial judgment. >> Right. >> superficial judgment. >> Right. I would not have thought that about him. >> So coming back to this conversation, I want to share a few more of the discourse. >> And can I just say I would have blown that guy off on the dating apps. I would have been like, "This guy is not going to be deep." >> Yeah. And then >> And then we ended up having a beautiful conversation. >> the guy was >> vulnerable and I just I it totally changed my idea of like what is possible. >> Yes. So. Okay, really quickly, I want to share those 10 things. Uh another one is sharing our spiritual Oh, excuse me, examining relationship dynamics. Why conflict happens, how each of us experiences connection. That's one of our topics of conversation, sharing spiritual perspectives with each other, what higher self is, what our divine self is, personal growth, life experiences. That's a topic that we spend a fair amount of time in discourse, coming back to this. Um >> Well, can I We had discourse only because I approached it differently. You approached it from a very somatic Let's just say almost trauma-based, you know, experience. >> Yes, yes. >> And I approached it from a little more esoteric, more spiritual, more intentional belief systems. >> And you brought me to your dark side. >> That's true. >> I'm like, you know what? You don't have to do therapy to experience a self-examined life. You don't have to do all the workshops I've done to be able to have emotional maturity. And I was kind of stuck in that box, believing that, and you brought me to the dark side on that. Couple other things that is discourse for us is discussing emotional reactions. For example, what came up for you when that happened? I'm going to repeat that. Can someone write this in the chat box? What came up for you when that happened? We spend a fair You always say I talk about feeling things. Can you share that with everybody? >> Well, you know, people think People say, "Oh, Jonathan, you know, I call him noodles for a reason because he thinks all the time. He's You know, he's I I I equate him to Alice in Wonderland who wakes up and thinks six impossible things before breakfast." >> [laughter] >> Like, I'll come up the stairs and I haven't had my coffee yet and he's like, "So, what do you think about love in a vacuum?" >> [laughter] >> What? >> Yeah, you say I'm analyzing my dreams. >> Totally, totally. >> But Do you remember yes Finish your thought. >> So, but you know, it's the it's the um Connor's birthday was just recently or >> Yeah. Yeah, we >> And and >> we was honoring him. And I and you know, it's the how does it feel for you today kind of thing, you know, what is it that you're going through sort of sort of questioning. And um I think that again, that comes down to curiosity. >> Yeah. Um and and being curious not just about thinking things, but about feeling things. And and it's interesting the gentleman that we spoke to yesterday, he says, "I'm an overthinker." And I go, "No, you're not an overthinker." I go, "It's just you're thinking just right." You know, that's a judgement when we say overthinking. I think the exact perfect amount of thinking I need to do for me. Okay, couple more things and then we'll we're going to move on. Exploring future uh vision for our relationship is something that we have a fair amount of discourse on. Questioning our cultural beliefs on masculinity, dating rules, relationship myths, we talked about that. Reflecting upon our past relationships, we we Sometimes every once in a while we're looking at our relationship and we reflect upon a previous relationship just to just to notice the contrast between that. >> yes, yes. >> And lastly, I wrote down wondering together. Wondering together, human behavior, dreams, why people do what they do, the mystery of life, you know. We This is the conversations we have, I mean, daily, in-depth um And I think you know, the reason why I wanted to do this video is because dating could be, you know, attraction, entertainment, romance, and physical connection, um but what really makes a relationship is the rich conversation two people can have. The rich conversation. So, when you're saying things like, "What came up for you?" opens the door for rich conversation. And without rich conversation, you might as well just be with a roommate. >> Yeah. >> You know? >> Yeah. >> That you have sex with maybe, you know? But I mean, I'm sorry. I I I I wonder how many people are just roommates with each other and they don't have a deep rich meaningful relationship. And if these 10 things give you any context to look at dating from a different lens, I hope here um you know, Deb agrees. Um but my Oh, one last thing. If you're going on a first date with someone, bring up something known as the And game. Here, I'll put it up closer. Can you see that? >> It's by a company called the Skin Deep. >> Skin Deep. >> And uh you can go online and do this I think it's the skindeep.com. But I've done it where, you know, I've taken this game on maybe a second or third date. I you know, I ask. I I I you know, I ask for consent. Um and usually I'll be I'll I'll do it very playfully. Like, "Hey, you want to play a game while we're at dinner?" You know? And um I've had guys who I've been dating say, "Sure. Tell me a little bit about it." And I'd be like, "It's just a card game, but you know, it kind of >> But it affords the opportunity to go deep and >> will say it asks some of the deeper questions. >> Mhm. >> And you know, and their response is key. >> So, with that said, did you get value out of this conversation? We'd like to hear your thoughts. Do me a favor, post a comment below. 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