This Line Makes Someone Instantly Regret Insulting You - Jefferson Fisher

Duration: 11:38 2141 transcript words EN summary

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Jefferson Fisher outlines a strategic approach to handling insults, beginning with the power of silence. He advises allowing five to seven seconds of nothing after someone says something ugly, effectively letting their words fall without catching them like in tennis or volleyball. This pause serves two purposes: it denies the insulter the expected dopamine hit from an immediate emotional reaction and allows time for the heat of the moment to die down. Fisher notes that manipulators are often not afraid of anger but rather fear calmness, so maintaining composure while refusing to pick up their verbal trash shifts the dynamic significantly in one's favor. Following this initial silence, Fisher suggests asking the person to repeat what they said or questioning whether they intended for it to sound insulting. This technique forces individuals to regurgitate their own ugly words under a spotlight of scrutiny, which most people find uncomfortable because darkness hates light and does not want its behavior highlighted. By asking "Did you mean for that to sound as insulting?" one invites the other person to admit their intent or realize they took it too far, particularly in ambiguous situations like text messages where negativity is often over-interpreted. This process exposes the insulter's justification mechanisms, such as believing they are righteous or deserving of revenge, and reveals that causing pain was likely a way for them to deal with their own internal suffering rather than an actual reflection of reality. Fisher further elaborates on using open-ended questions during depositions and conflicts to uncover what is missing in the interaction. When someone lies blatantly or contradicts themselves under oath, asking specific questions signals that something else is going on beyond their stated position. Similarly, when faced with an insult, requesting a repetition highlights the gap between how the words were delivered and how they landed, forcing the aggressor to confront why they felt compelled to cause pain in that moment. This method acts as a reverse steel man or invited steel man approach, where instead of attacking a weak version of their argument (a straw man), one invites them to articulate the strongest possible version of what they meant, often revealing contradictions and hidden agendas immediately. The ultimate goal of these tactics is to strip away the emotional fuel that powers an insult, leaving it in a sterile environment for analysis rather than reaction. Fisher compares this dynamic to asking someone out on a date only to be told you weren't heard; once realized, there is no desire to repeat the interaction because the "cheese" has run out and the trap feels uncomfortable. By making the insulter admit their own intent or simply realizing that their words did not achieve the desired impact, one effectively neutralizes the attack without escalating into a fight. The result is that while they remember what was said in shame, the victim does not carry the burden of those insults long-term because they were never truly accepted as valid attacks to begin with.

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How should people respond to an insult? With a lot of silence. You say something ugly to me, I'm going to give it about 5 to 7 seconds of nothing. Meaning I'm going to allow your words, as if I see them just to fall to the this table here. And give you a moment of like You give it that? Like you still you still proud of that right there? You can take it back if you like. But I'm not taking it. And it's that it's that that mindset of I'm not taking it. I don't have to pick it up. It's not mine. Because we get so used to catching just because somebody threw, we feel like we automatically have to catch. It's like It's not it's not tennis, it's not volleyball. You don't have to hit it back over a net. You can just let it be there. So, 5 to 7 seconds of nothing in that silence. Two, what I like to do is usually ask them to repeat it. >> [laughter] >> Yeah, that's I I usually will say I need you to I need you to say that again. I've yet to have anybody who could do it. >> [laughter] >> Because it's like they they they don't want to show their ugly. They don't want that highlighted. They don't they know what they just said. And now what they were expecting was a hit of dopamine of me giving it right back to them and feeling that sense of control. I've now put a big spotlight on their behavior. And then it's just it's not fun at that point. They're like, "Ah, I got to get out of here." Like that's what that that wasn't the hit that I was expecting. And when I say, "I need you to repeat that." Or "I need you to say that again." They're going to have to remember their words and regurgitate them. And they usually it's people don't like to extend past this feeling of being reasonable. Now, I know people will go, "Oh, I know a lot of people are unreasonable." Listen, I have deposed probably thousands of people. I've seen lots of liars and manipulators. They never want to come across as unreasonable. Yeah. Yeah, people who are like manipulating you, they're not afraid of anger. They're afraid of calm. And whenever I can show you that I'm not rising and going, "How dare you?" like getting this "Who do you think you are?" kind of bow up. Um it's almost more scary to them if you I need you to say that again. Now, most of the time what they do is they try and like, "Well, I mean what I I mean I mean" and they try to like justify. Exactly. Uh and try and adjust in some way. Or I guess they could double down. If they do double down and repeat it, then you get to say, "I thought so. Thanks." Like just let it go. Because at that point, you're still just leaving them. They're They're going to remember what they said. And you're not going to be the one to remember it at all. So it's that. Another that I like to ask is it's this Did you mean Did you mean for that to sound as insulting as it did? Did you mean for that to embarrass me in some way? Did you mean for that to offend me or hurt me or belittle me or Did you Did you want me to feel less when you said that? Whenever you talk about intents, the Did you mean? Did you intend to? Did you say that in order to It questions the very root of their heart in that moment of like why did they really say that? And they said that to hurt you. To to cause that pain. And at the same time, maybe you just took it the wrong way. Like in text message. Usually, we have a way of reading everything negative in a text message. We never read things positive. Right? You I I I could text you, "We need to talk." And you nobody gets that goes, like sick. Yes, let's go. Let's Chris wants to talk. Let's Let's get after it. Let's go. Uh we always read the negative. And so, did you mean is also a great way of double-checking. Did you mean for that to sound like it My wife and I if I sometimes reply really quickly, she'll say, "Did you mean for that to sound short?" No, no, no, I didn't mean to I was just in the middle of pick up or I was at a grocery line or whatever. It's You're allowing that that benefit of the doubt for a >> second. >> Mhm. In both of those situations, uh where it's not ambiguous about whether or not that was a mean message or not. >> Right. >> What you're doing is bringing the person's ugliness to the front. Yep. Because Yeah, you're right. Even when people say mean things, they feel justified in their meanness. Mhm. You deserved it. >> Right. >> Or I'm righteous somehow. And with a enough room for the heat to die down a little bit, three, >> Mhm. >> four, five, six, >> You Seven. >> [laughter] >> Exactly. I mean, it's a long time, dude. >> Yeah, very yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> Uh and to then basically say, "Do the thing again, but without the heat that powered it when you did it first time. Right. Like you you've run out of fuel. >> Exactly. >> And you're now going to have to look at it in a more sterile environment. >> Right. >> More plain environment. >> Mhm. >> And I'm just going to ask. I'm not going to infer. I'm going to ask whether the outcome that happened after you said that thing was what you meant. And that is you admitting to your own intent >> around this. >> Exactly. >> It's like you um Like imagine having to ask a girl out and she's like, "Well, I didn't hear you." Like, "Ah, never mind." Like you don't want to You don't want to ask it again. It's that feeling of like, "Ha, ha, I already already said it." >> you're so hot. >> Yeah, yeah. >> [laughter] >> Yeah, exactly. That's right. Um And then all of a sudden you realize now that that didn't feel good at all and now it's Now they just they don't want the cheese. They just want out of the trap, you know? They just will get me get me out of here. >> Yeah. >> And they're not they're not going to want to do that because the making them say it again is just >> [snorts] >> it's just revealing their ugly and darkness hates light. >> Mhm. >> You know you were talking about inviting someone to What are you hearing? What are you hearing from me? What is it What What did you just hear me say? >> Yeah. >> How are you interpreting that? You know the idea of a steel man. >> Mhm. >> Uh-huh and a straw man. >> Right. >> So a straw man representing the weakest version of someone's argument. Steel man, me saying So we're in a debate, but what I think you're trying to say is and I put across the best version the best possible version of your argument. >> Mhm. >> That's good. What you're doing with the invitation is like a reverse steel man. >> Mhm. >> Or an invited steel man. >> Right. >> I'm saying, "Can you tell me >> Mhm. >> what you're hearing me say?" >> Yes. >> And then ah, okay, so no, not quite. And the same thing with the reason that you do the steel man is so I go, "Okay. So Jefferson, what I'm what I'm hearing from you is this and this and this. Is that right?" And you go, "Well, actually no. You're just saying, 'Hey, come do the steel man thing for me.' >> Yeah. >> And then if there's anything that's not fully understood and you're doing the same thing with the insult to a degree. It's like inviting this person to almost steel man the own the nuclear warhead that they just dropped on you. >> Right. >> You know and uh it probably more a septic tank than a nuclear warhead. Uh you know the >> [laughter] >> Exactly. >> [gasps] >> You know this big puddle of that's in front of us? >> Yeah, yeah. You just put or is it soup? >> Yeah. >> can't To me it smells the same smells a lot like >> [laughter] >> Yeah. >> And uh just making sure that we're not confu- I'm not confusing what this is. >> Yeah. There's a lot of There's actually this like hidden power around Tell me what I'm missing. Tell me what I I like I'm missing something here. Something else is going on. >> Mhm. >> And I need you to tell me what I'm missing. So lots of times I'll be in a deposition and I'll have somebody who is >> [sighs and gasps] >> I know I've caught them in a lie. There're lots of people lying under oath all the time and they have no problem with it. And cuz I know cuz I have the evidence right here and they don't know that I have it. And so it's often the people who It's most blatant. Like they It's just an easy They didn't have to lie about it. Like they could have just fallen on the sword, but they're they're so contradictory that they can't possibly not. So if it's like if I were to tell you I feel like you're really upset and they go, "I'm not upset. I'm just Like it doesn't matter what emotion I said. They're going to always tell me, "I know it's not that I'm I'm I'm okay. It's just I'm It doesn't matter what it is. They're always going to contradict that. And so when I know I'm up against that kind of person you have to do this searching with like where questions matter a whole lot more than statements. Meaning if I'm going to ask a question that is more open-ended I'm getting I'm signaling to this aspect of what am I missing here? I hear you telling me this. I'm missing where you're getting to that. Same way with the insult. What am I You say that I'm, you know, the whatever, the worst thing. I need you to say that again because something's missing because it's not hitting me the same way you want it to hit me. So, where is that coming from? And and and that right there is the the warm feeling, you know, the blanket wet blanket of exactly sad emoji for them of like I've it didn't it didn't work. What was missing was they were actually intending to cause pain because they're in pain and it felt better for them to cause you pain than actually deal with their own emotions. >> Before we continue, most people in their 30s are still training hard. Their protein is dialed in. They sleep better than they did in their 20s. Discipline is not the issue, but recovery feels somewhat different. Strength gains take a little longer. The margin for error starts to shrink and that is why I'm such a huge fan of Timeline. You see, mitochondria are the energy producers inside of your muscle cells. As they weaken with age, your ability to generate power and recover effectively changes even if your habits stay strong. MitoPure from Timeline contains the only clinically validated form of urolithin A used in human trials. 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