Video summary
Richard Reeves explores the rising crisis of male suicide and overdose, attributing it largely to a profound sense of being unneeded in modern society. He introduces the concept that many young men retreat into drugs or pornography not merely for recreation but as a mechanism of escape from societal difficulties. A critical factor driving this trend is the belief among these individuals that their absence would make the world better off, whereas clarity about one's necessity serves as a powerful protector against suicide. This feeling of surplus to requirements is particularly acute in specific demographics; Reeves notes that while men generally have four times higher suicide rates than women across all age groups, divorced men face an even steeper risk—eight times higher than divorced women—as they often lose the social networks and sense of obligation previously anchored through their wives' friend circles. The discussion highlights a significant divergence in how society defines "need" for men versus women over recent decades. Women have experienced an expansion of meaningful roles, gaining prestige in both socioeconomic independence (careers) and relational domains (motherhood), effectively creating multiple sources of meaning or identity. In contrast, the traditional male role as economic provider has been significantly evacuated without a corresponding addition of new valued functions for men to fill. Consequently, while women can draw on diverse identities such as mother, friend, daughter, and professional, many men still rely heavily on their employment status for self-worth. This lack of "cognitive self-complexity" leaves men psychologically vulnerable; when they lose a job or face divorce, the collapse of this single pillar often leads to severe mental health crises because they cannot easily flex into other supportive roles like fatherhood or friendship without feeling defined by those failures. Reeves further contextualizes these issues through historical and biological lenses regarding masculinity. He argues that men have always held more socially constructed and volatile roles compared to women, who are viewed as having a singular but essential function in reproduction (the "sword" versus the man's "Swiss Army knife"). This variability means men historically occupied extreme positions—becoming geniuses or billionaires on one end of the spectrum while facing homelessness or incarceration on the other. Furthermore, traditional markers of male competence like physical strength have been outsourced to law enforcement and technology, yet society has not successfully valorized new forms of masculinity that replace these traits with cognitive complexity or emotional intelligence. The definition of mature masculinity is shifting away from brawn-based metrics toward brain-based ones, but this transition lags behind the economic changes that removed men's traditional provider status. Ultimately, the conversation concludes that addressing the male mental health crisis requires redefining what it means to be needed in a way that does not rely solely on economic provision or physical protection. The expansion of domains for women has inadvertently created an imbalance where men feel increasingly superfluous unless they can successfully navigate fatherhood and community connection without their primary identity being tied strictly to work performance. Reeves emphasizes the importance of validating male contributions beyond financial earnings, suggesting that helping fathers find distinct roles within the family unit is crucial. Without a new narrative that validates men's presence regardless of their employment status or marital situation, society risks continuing its moral failure where large numbers of young men feel they are not essential to the world around them.
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what do you think or what are you
attributing this increase in young male
Sude to you've talked about the sedation
male sedation hypothesis yeah which I
find very interesting which is around
obviously around it's about drugs but
it's also about ponography and video
games and I think it's consistent with
this idea of a
retreat and and a and a kind of pulling
away from the difficulties and
challenges of modern society I think
that's number one and it's very
interesting if you look at drug
poisonings which is separate from
suicide one of the reasons that's risen
so much among men and perhaps we can
talk a bit about that um is because uh
the sorts of drugs that the men are
taking they are very often taking them
on their own so there's no one there to
revive them this is not these are not
party drugs these are not the drugs that
the kids were taking when you were doing
your job as a bouncer right this is not
let's take this and go out and have a
you know have a good laugh this is these
are drugs of
retreat and my sense is that among many
young
men the
they don't feel that sure about the
extent to which they are needed and
valued and in the end that seems to be
the best predictor in the end that some
will take their own lives is that they
have come to believe that the world will
be better off without them or that
they're kind of not needed I think one
of the best protectors against losing a
life to suicide is a real Clarity that
the world needs you that your ab absence
from the world will be bad and
increasingly I think particularly young
men without much economic power perhaps
not quite sure where to go what to do do
end up being unconvinced that the world
is actually better off with them than
without them I I I think that the state
of feeling unneeded is literally
fatal uh through drugs through suicide
Etc and also just like any society where
we where anybody ends up feeling like
we're not sure we need you you might be
a bit Surplus to requirements it's just
that's that that's a society that's
morally failing and that's the sense
that quite a lot of young men have now
uh which is just this is uncertainty so
these this would not be particularly
kind of young men but I think it speaks
to the issue about needed which is that
the suicide rate among um men is four
times higher than among women every age
group but if then if you look at the
specific cohort of divorced men and
women it's eight times higher among
divorced men than divorced women doesn't
really go up among divorced women but it
really goes up among divorced men and a
plausible explanation for that I think
is just the sense of like well I am I
needed am I connected do I have a sort
of sense of responsibility and
obligation am I tied in to some so to
some relationships that kind of make it
clear well one of the problems that
divorced men have is that their ability
to hold on to their social networks
especially when they get married degr
guys just suck at they suck at keeping
their friends they do W wifeless men
tend to be a bit of a mess but the when
men get married they let their male
friends drop or their their uh previous
single male friends drop they then
absorb the wife's friend groups we're
going around to such and such a person's
house you kind of become friend with the
husband and then you realize when you
get divorced that they were there her
friends all along correct yes yeah
everybody was linked through the wife
not through the husband so I think this
conversation around needed uh like the
you need to be needed yeah was something
I really really wanted to get into I
think
[Music]
um very few times maybe ever in human
history but certainly in the modern
world has anybody asked the question
what does it mean to be a woman in the
modern world what does it mean to be a
woman sort of the role is kind of in
many ways for women both the uh
mothering side or the career Focus side
sort of I guess the two main SKS that
women have in terms of Life Direction
now
um recent opportunities
socioeconomically to be independent
financially to achieve qualifications to
do all of those things this is a sort of
a big novel shiny new opportunity lots
of women have got that's evident like
I'm kind of uh liberated I'm independent
I'm doing it on my own I'm sort of
chasing after these things like that's
you you're kind of breaking new ground
it's re revolutionary in a way it's sort
of frering pioneering type stuff and
then the other side which is maybe more
typically where women have got their
meaning from it's like as soon as you
are
pregnant I need to raise this creature I
need I'm a mother I've got meaning it's
this positive thing back and forth I'm
relationally I've got this this the I've
got other mother I'm alo parenting with
my sister or my aunties or whatever and
you know many men even when they were uh
more important to the
running of the family were kind of
cheerily waving from the sideline while
the wife raised the kid espe you know
first six months to a year any dad knows
that they're kind of just like a spare
part that's kind of like a a moral
cheerleader who's going like well done
honey would you like should I do some
toast like is there anything I can do
you kind of it's the mother and the
child type a little bit harder than that
you know what I mean um that it's very
much mother is the MVP and dad is there
as the support animal that's true um yes
my point being that I don't think women
have had the uh what does it mean to be
needed conversation now in quite the
same way that men have some I'm asking
the question in a very long-winded
way trying to identify why you would
have this sex difference given that both
men and women use social media women may
be more psychologically affected women
in the 15 to 34 age bracket more
affected by it uh the the the only bits
of sort of toxic femininity I think that
really are have been uh raised up by the
modern world has been this sort of
relational outcasting bullying that
happens online Etc um I'm trying to work
out why that would be sexed and what
that's what's happening to men and I get
the sense that women have two very uh uh
prestigious uh very uh rewarding life
paths laid out in front of them right
now uh whereas men both of those the
socioeconomic approach and the Homemaker
approach have kind of been there are a
little more Surplus to requirements in
both of those Arenas now yeah super
interesting in some ways you could argue
that the so let's take
needed I love that as this just
fundamental need I have a role I have a
role to play I have a role to play um
and in some cases like I have a distinct
role to play right as me or as a dad or
as a mom and something and you take the
old version of needed was like the
supply of needed to women was all we
need you to raise the next gener have
have the kids and raise the Next
Generation and the supply of needed as
to men was we're going need you to kind
of raise the money get the money to
raise the family and feed their kids and
look after right so there were these
kind of old supplies of needed and what
we've done I think with women is to add
another way in which they're needed
right and so the message that a lot of
young women will get is like we actually
the economy needs you we need you in
science we need you in stem we need you
to be leaders model yeah and a role
model for the next generation of girls
and so on without really saying by the
way we also forget about the kids right
because they're like no we still need
you to do that by the way and of course
that's a s
also complaint among many but but what's
what's clear is that there hasn't been
this evacuation of needed for women and
girls if anything the message that
they're getting is we need you more than
ever because we still need you to do the
old bit do it all you know to do this B
um H whereas for men that old form of
needed which is through the kind of
economic provider model protector model
has been very significantly and for good
reason but it's been significantly
evacuated we haven't really added
anything to it and so there's been an
expansion of the domains of needed for
women and a contraction in the domains
of needed for men for all kinds of
reasons that we could get into I think
that's then playing out in terms of the
different ways in which we see the
Mental Health crisis playing out and
especially for for men the question is
then what do we need men for and do how
do we help men kind of feel needed and
that's a whole area around fatherhood
Etc and one of the things I'm really I'm
passionate about is saying like dads
matter men matter um because
the reason why you made this point about
femininity earlier is you don't really
read across history even recently about
a crisis of femininity but you read
repeatedly about a crisis of masculinity
and now that could be like Q IR roll
right but actually what it's telling us
is something incredibly important which
is
that the role of men has always been and
always will be somewhat more socially
constructed and validated because of our
different role in reproduction right
like at some basic visceral level and
I've talked to a lot of more of a Swiss
army knife whereas the the woman is a
bit more of a sword or a hammer we have
a few jobs that we have you and you're
well what it means is that like at some
basic level I think it's embodied the
I've just got it I've got it in my head
you'll know this there's greater male
variability right in males at the tail
yes exactly there's more male Geniuses
there's more males with disabilities
there's more male billionaires there's
more that are in jail at the same time
and homeless and all the rest it this is
like a social role cultural equivalent
of this that there is greater male
variability in the role that they're
going to take you're going to be the
protector provider you're going to be
the warrior you're going to be the
Diplomat you're going to
be across time you're going to be the
person that maybe considers taking their
own life you're going to you know
there's more of that variability too
well that's I think that the that's
right the definition
of mature masculinity has really shifted
a lot in exactly the way that you
describe it right and and so one of the
one of the things I kind of point out is
that actually physical competence the
ability to kind of be a good fighter
well actually in many parts of human
history that was incredibly important
right for kind of men and it's actually
just not as important anymore certainly
not in my world it's been outsourced to
law enforcement yeah I mean and
certainly in lots of jobs now it would
and like being in a Brooking seminar and
really having a great right hook just
doesn't really help right you Brawn
based to brain based just doesn't help
and so so what do we valorize instead
they say well in that case you want
earnings or intelligence and then it's
something else altogether but there is
this term we may have talked about this
before but this term cognitive self-c
complexity have you come across that no
you're like this and so basically what
this is this idea of cognitive self-
complexity is that your view of yourself
has uh multiple sources so it's complex
right so yourself has multip sources of
meaning is basically the idea and if you
look at surveys where you kind of ask
women what do they get meaning from what
are their sources of meaning it's much
broader than for men and so women are
able to kind of draw on well the sense
of meaning I get from being a mom the
sense of meaning I get from being a
friend the sense of meaning I get from
being a a a daughter the sense of mean I
get from being a professional kind of in
the workplace Etc and the idea here is
that actually it's like a balanced it's
like having a balanced portfolio is that
actually you're not putting all your
eggs in one basket in terms of your
identity you've had a terrible day at
work but okay it's still important to
your kids as a mom you know you can be
there for your friends Etc whereas with
men there still putting a lot of their
eggs in the basket around work and
economic provision yeah they've got this
sort of conceptual inertia around what
they did previous a little bit and it's
a bit of a lag there and so what that
means for what it means number one is
that if men lose their jobs it hits them
much harder psychologically because
that's so still very Central to their
identity but it also means they don't
have quite that same ability to flex
that self- complexity to just actually
lean more into their role as say a
friend or a father even if they're
sucking at work that that weighs so
heavily for them and there's a lot we
could learn there I think we'll get back
to talking to Richard in 1 minute but
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