things i've been wanting to talk about recently

Good morning everybody. Welcome back to another vlog. I thought for today's vlog, you know, I've just been really missing like old school YouTube vibes. Let me figure out this angle here. You're a little crooked. You know, this is my annual post where I'm like, I miss old YouTube. And so, I want to start making more old school YouTube videos or at least with that in mind, like, you know, just sitting down and talking to the camera. It doesn't have to be some big extravagant vlog where I'm doing a million things and I'm testing something viral and I'm, you know, showing you a haul of things I bought or I'm taking you thrifting, whatever. Like, I just want to sit and yap, you know what I mean? So, I thought that I could get ready today and we could just chat about some things that have been on my mind, do a little life update, catch up, you know, all that kind of stuff in less of like a Q&A format and more of like a I don't know, video podcast format. I mean, I guess just video format and we could just have like a little heart to heart as we get ready together. So, I'm going to be doing some filming today. I'm going to be I think running some errands later. I'm going to be continuing another vlog. So, I thought that I would just sort of like yap with you guys and we can have like conversations in the comments cuz that's the thing that I've always really loved and miss about the internet kind of simultaneously cuz that's the thing is like the landscape of being online has changed so much over the years. Really wish I had a bigger mirror for this. I kind of didn't really think this through. I just wanted to be in a spot where there was like a bit better light. I even have my little cozy ambiance on in the background. I don't know if you can see that. But anyways, um like just something that I really love still to this day, but especially about YouTube was just how like you could just sit down and yap about whatever and people would relate. And it became a little bit interesting like I guess during co times and since co times because like without sugar coating it too much um like social media has gotten really negative lately and really kind of scary. There's just been so many think pieces and discourse and like sometimes at least for me when I get on social media some days it'll be like puppies and kittens and really funny things and really cute things and then other times it'll be like everyone dog piling on this person or making content that's negative about another person or like this person made a mistake or you know whatever and it's just like really kind of draining and exhausting and I don't love it and I feel Like YouTube is probably the safest space when it comes to that. I do think when you open yourself up to filming vlogs, like that's you're always going to get more criticism for that and people are always going to have more opinions. But I think I think especially on like short form platforms, it can just be like really a lot. Not even as a creator, but just as a viewer. Like, you know, reading the comments and the what about meism of it all and the bean soup theory of it all, which I actually because I'm chronically online, I realized that not everyone knows what I'm talking about with that. Basically, they created this thing called the bean soup theory when one time on TikTok, this woman created a video sharing a dense bean soup recipe cuz she has low iron and during her period, she wanted ways to like get her iron back up. So, she made this recipe for a bean soup and people in the comments were saying, "Well, what if I don't like beans?" Yeah. So, that's where we're at with the internet these days. And I think because our algorithms have gotten so hyper specific and like I don't know like everything is really really tailored to you, it can feel like when something isn't tailored to you, it like I don't know for some people it ignites some sort of reaction, response, whatever. And it makes people act a little kooky. You know what I mean? And I think especially with the younger generation, it's really difficult for them to be like, "Okay, this isn't for me." and like just keep scrolling and keep it moving. It has to be like, well, I don't like this and I need to vocalize it kind of thing. And it's just it's a lot. So, it can just feel kind of negative and that's why I just feel like YouTube, you know, always has been my safe space and that's why I gravitate more towards it. But there are times too where even in my own communities, I feel like, you know, I think Lucy Moon put it perfectly in one of her videos. She talked about how she took a step back from creating a certain kind of content because of the comments. And I could relate deeply to that because I've taken a step back from this channel two or three different times. I mean, sometimes as little as like a couple of weeks, sometimes as much as like five months, you know, and um it can just feel like a lot. Like the criticism and the nitpicking and all that kind of stuff. And this isn't to say woe is me, by the way. I know that that's implied, but I do feel like we've lost the the art of implication when it comes to like being on social media. Like obviously it's implied. Anyways, Lucy talked about it in her video where she realized that a lot of the people who comment are the most impassioned people. Like people who really love it or really hate it are usually the ones commenting on it. And so it's tends to be that the comments are filled with the louder minority rather than the silent majority. And that was so helpful for me to hear as a creator because I was just like, "Wow, that's so true." Because sometimes you think maybe when you're receiving like a lot of kind of, you know, less than favorable comments or whatever or it just seems to be that those are the ones that stand out, it seems like everybody feels that way when in fact the majority of people don't feel that way, but they're just not commenting. They're silent viewers. You know, I've actually talked about silent viewing and how I've been really trying to stop doing that because I really want to support the people who are posting and I want people to keep being online. You know, a lot of times people will leave the internet because they're just like, "This is too much." And I completely understand that. I don't think that will happen to me. But just as a viewer, I yeah, I've been trying to leave more comments, even if it's just like, "Oh, I loved this." or whatever because I realized that most people are silent viewers. I get comments all the time of people being like, "Oh, I've never left a comment before, but blah blah blah." And I'm like, "Oh my gosh, I'm so glad you did." So, anyways, that was kind of a side tangent, but I used to think that maybe because I was receiving some of these comments that these were things that I needed to change about myself. And I think it's always important to realize that the people we watch online are going to make mistakes. They are going to make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. And you know, that's a whole other thing. Some people just never will and they're never going to change. But I think to expect perfection out of people that we watch is wild and insane and like I, you know, really don't love that. And so it's just made me sometimes, I don't know, feel like sad for when I say the old internet, I don't mean like people posting racist videos and no one saying anything about it. Obviously, I feel the need to disclaim that. I'm talking about more wholesome times, you know what I mean? where people were just posting like a 5 minutee video about whatever and everybody loved it instead of like 4hour video essays about like intellectualizing every little thing and you know all that kind of stuff. Anyways, that was a long rant, but basically what I'm trying to say is I think I used to think that I needed to like change all of these things about myself instead of just understand that there are always going to be people who don't like me. And I am never ever ever going to be able to just be better enough that they're going to understand me. Like I'm never going to be able to be like, "Oh, you just have to get to know me." And like once you get to know me, you're going to be like, "Actually, she's not that bad." That's just never going to happen, you know? And so instead of focusing so much of my energy on that, I'm just realizing that yeah, this is part of what comes along with the job and I can choose to take it on board or not. And that's kind of that on that, you know. But it does feel like these days everything is more amplified and people are more mad and it can just feel a little disheartening sometimes is all I'm trying to say. Where is my brow gel? Oh, it's right here. And then like over time, I don't know. I feel like I just became like this miserable over disclaiming peopleleasing robot and like that was just weird and I don't know like doesn't feel very me and I think I just yeah I was trying to like avoid criticism altogether. I was trying to get ahead of it or something like that and that's like not a way to live your life. It's always good to try and be a good person obviously and try to you know always do better and take things into account and whatever but I was just it was like becoming insane. And I was actually just thinking back on eras of my vlogs recently and I was just thinking about how like we have lived so many lives together if you've been here a while. You will have been here through probably like the era where I had rats living in the walls and ceiling and floors and under the bathtub of my apartment. Um, then we moved immediately to LA and we moved into a place that actually was wonderful for the first few months and then pretty much at the start of the pandemic, we had neighbors who let people move in with them and it just became this nightmare of like 18 to 21 year olds partying and drinking and DJing and doing whatever until every hour of the day and night and like till 5:00 in the morning. And oh my god, it was just it was a time. Let me tell you, and like that was a whole era in my vlogs and, you know, being back and forth between here in Arizona and all that kind of stuff. And if you have been here for all of that time, please just know how much that means to me. And even if you're newer and you obviously didn't know who I was until now or after those eras or whatever, it just means a lot. And thank you so much. Like, I really, really appreciate it. I used to truly share everything online. Like, there was almost nothing I wouldn't share. And then it got to a point where I was like, is this too much? Like am I maybe oversharing a little bit? And in some cases, yes. Like there were kind of personal things that I would have probably liked to have kept a little more personal, but then I feel like I swung the pendulum completely in the opposite direction. And I was almost too protective of everything. And I didn't want to share anything for the chance that like maybe it felt cringe or maybe it felt like I was oversharing or maybe it felt like I needed to protect that part of my life. And I still do feel that way about a lot of things, but I've started reopening some of the doors because I realized and my therapist was helping me work through this that I kind of like built these walls around myself to protect myself, but really all I was doing was like building a prison around myself, you know, and then it became to the point where I wasn't sharing anything and I was just sort of sitting in my house and like vlogging myself doing the dishes and whatever, which is all well and fine. There's an ad. But yeah, I'm just trying to open myself back up a little bit more and just be more like keep my heart more open, more vulnerable. You know what I mean? Hold, please. Not going to lie, I had a lot more things to talk about and I'm done doing my makeup, so we'll just sit and talk for the rest of this. But my god, Pis GLP1 ad. Honestly, that's another topic I wanted to talk about. Anyways, all that to say, yeah, it feels really good. Like, I feel like I'm in an era now where I feel a little more comfortable like sharing about things, especially sharing struggles that I'm going through. Um, I've always been like a really open person and like such an open book when it comes to sharing my struggles. them. Like I think that in sharing specifically my body image struggles, I have I became unintentionally like someone that almost was like being viewed as some sort of like example. And I'm sure that was by my own doing, but I have noticed over time, like even recently, I've gotten comments that have said things like, "I'm just so disappointed when you talk about having body image struggles cuz it makes me feel like you were lying that whole time about finding confidence in your body and whatever." And that makes me so sad because I have never, nor will I probably ever conquer my body image issues. Like, I think it's just going to be things that I struggle with throughout my entire life. And it feels like whack-a-ole sometimes. Sometimes I've talked about OCD being like that, but I feel like body image things are like that, too, where it's like you feel like you've maybe conquered one thing and then another thing pops up and it's like you're just trying to like put out a million different fires at once. And I think it's very human to still struggle with body image issues, especially now where it does feel like everybody's losing weight, everybody is getting smaller, everybody seems to be talking about being on a GLP1. I've talked about it before in my own vlogs where I have like I consider going on a GLP1 like frequently. I think there are probably things that would benefit me like with my PCOS and things like that. And I even talked to my doctor about it because that's the other thing is doctors have brought it up to me. My doctor talked about how GLP1s are for diabetes which is a metabolic disorder and so is PMOS or PCOS. And so, like, it makes sense that both of those people who have those things feel like symptom relief and feel a lot better when they take those medications. But all that to say, like I do feel like um I'm just a girl like everyone else, you know? Like I have never ever claimed to be in love with my body. I've always really maintained like a body neutral standpoint and just trying to be like, yeah, completely indifferent about my body and just be like, yeah, don't love it, don't hate it. It just sort of is what it is. And when I used to do this exercise class called pony sweat, it was this kind of like aerobics exercise class that I still really love. I just haven't been exercising recently. But a practice that she would do at the end was like holding yourself and either saying thank you body for like what it's done for you for the class or you can just say hey body and I loved that sort of like neutral just like hi I'm acknowledging you and that's kind of how I feel. I just sort of feel like hey buddy like that's sort of my vibe at the moment and I think also having health struggles over the last couple of years but especially the last like year or so has really put a lot of things into a different light. Like I just feel I feel grateful for my body for what it has done for me over the last year or so. But I also feel frustrated with my body and I feel sad that like my body's trying to tell me things and I'm trying to figure out what's going on and it just feels yeah like frustrating when I have a flare up and I don't feel well again and I'm just like a this again and you know whatever. So, it's like a whole other it's like a whole other layer added to it, you know, and unless you have any kind of chronic illness, you probably wouldn't understand. But I don't know anyone who's like completely conquered their body image issues. If they had, they'd be a billionaire because they'd sell some sort of like class or product or whatever. Um, but it really just has to come from within. And I don't want to spend a whole lot of time thinking about my body, but there are times where I feel, yeah, kind of negatively about it. And then other times where I feel kind of positively about it and that's just sort of that's normal. That's life. And then yeah, just with the health of it all, I just feel so sick of talking about it sometimes. And I know you guys like when I do talk about it because a lot of you are also going through things. And that's the thing. I'm not going to be like feel like I need to be silenced or anything like that. I'm still dealing with the behind the scenes, but I don't need to like give every single update. But I will say I made a promise to myself like a little over a year ago that I will do whatever it takes to feel better and I will honor that promise that I made to myself. It feels like even just with this minor thing like try me trying to get iron infusions and my doctor fighting me and the insurance company fighting me and the infusion center fighting me and they're all fighting with each other and they're all blaming each other and whatever. Like they want me to give up and I'm not going to. I'm simply not going to. So like I'm probably going to book an appointment with like a hematologist or a specialist or something like that and try to go that route cuz the primary care thing is clearly not working and I can hopefully yeah figure things out and I'm just I'm not going to give up. I'm not going to give up on my body. this is the one body I've got. And like yeah, you just got to be in your own corner. You have to stand on business for yourself. You have to have that confidence and sort of that self-belief that you will make whatever you need to make happen happen. And that's something actually I've been working on in therapy as well is sort of excuse me feeling like I am no longer relying on external opinions for validation. I think a lot of that comes from my OCD and like reassurance seeking whether that's at your job, in your relationship, in friendships, in just life in general, in interactions with your family, whatever. Like you have to have that confidence within yourself to like be like, "No, I know this to be true and I know myself and like that's that, you know, you don't need everyone else to agree with you or whatever." And actually, that's something I've been trying to work on a lot more recently in friendships specifically, but also how I show up online, etc. As a recovering people pleaser, like truly recovering people pleaser, I have learned that people pleasing a lot of times can actually, while very well-tended, it can actually be kind of a manipulation tactic. It can be a way to sort of like never make too many waves or never disagree with anyone or be liked. That's kind of that was like my big thing. Never speaking up for yourself, masking a lot, etc. These are all things that I have like kind of been guilty of up until recent years. And I'm just trying to do that less. I've been talking about this when I like hang out with my friends about how I'm just trying to mask less. I definitely have friends that I don't have to mask with, but I would say the majority of them I do and I just like fell into the pattern. And I think that's also why a lot of times I will feel super exhausted after hanging out and having social interactions is because I'm masking the whole time. So I've just been trying to do less of that and like be less afraid to be it's weird because I mean that's just the dichotomy of being a human, right? Is like just being a walking contradiction at all times. Like there are times where I am so direct. I come from a very confrontational family. There are times where I'm like, "Yeah, no." Like I have no problem disagreeing. But then there are other times where I just feel like I don't know it's like not allowed to disagree or not allowed to speak my opinion or whatever and it's like says who you know the right people will stay in your life because they like you not the customer service representative that you're presenting yourself as or whatever like they want to be with you because you're you. A good example is recently, Drew makes fun of me for this now, but like recently we were with his mom and she was talking about this ice cream place that we like to go to. I don't really like their chocolate ice cream. And I've like made it known to Drew. And she was saying something about how I love their chocolate ice cream. And I was [clears throat] like, oh my god, me too. It's so good. And Drew was looking at me like, why did And I was like, I don't I don't know why. I wasn't just like, oh yeah. When I would get my nails done and it was like the worst thing I'd ever seen. And I was like, oh my god, thank you so much. These are the best nails I've ever had. Like literally love them so much. Love you. Thank you. you know, like why am I so afraid to take up space? Well, I know why. Like society and you know, the way women are treated and whatever, but it's just interesting how Yeah, like the more I am unmasking around people I love and like strangers and online and whatever, the more I feel like I'm coming home to myself, the more true I feel like I'm staying to myself, the more I become who I'm really supposed to be. I think there's probably like a learning process because I do feel like sometimes now that I'm unmasking it's maybe coming off a little too sassy and I'm like trying to find balance of like how to be gentle about it or whatever cuz I'm like I just need to I just need to say it and it's like you don't have to say everything [music] but I am going to continually try to mask less especially on the internet and especially in friendships especially like more casual friendships and stuff and just be who I really am because you don't get an award for being so chameleonistic, if that's a word, that you're liked by every single person you've ever met. Like, you know, you don't like it's okay to be disliked by people cuz you don't even like everybody. I certainly don't like a lot of people. And so, it's like, why do I care if they like me or not? There are days where I'm like, I truly don't care at all whatsoever. And then there are days where it feels a little more sensitive. And yeah, I like I said, I think that's just sort of being human. All that to say, that was a lot of different topics. But also, I feel like if you have ADHD, 100% you'll get me cuz it's like the flow. But also, I feel like Yeah, this is just who I am and how I talk. I actually saw a meme. What did it say? I don't feel like I overshared that much, but I do feel like I do that. I get like a vulnerability hangover. Is that what it's called? I saw this meme that someone shared and it said, "You can still be mysterious after oversharing." Because in that moment, everyone is thinking, "Why would she say that?" I'm like, "That's me." I don't feel like I overshared, but oh my god, another ad. I was trying to have some cozy ambiance, but but yeah, that's pretty much I think going to do it for this vlog. I'm going to go film a main channel video now. It is fall themed. That is why I'm wearing brown. I am still very much heavily in my summer era. We're about to go back to Arizona like pretty soon. And there's going to be a lot of pool time cuz it's so hot there. I've still been going to the beach every single weekend here. But it's just like I'm getting a I'm getting excited about the idea of fall. I'm feeling like okay, the cozy vibes are definitely coming. I mean, we're god almost into September. Oops, my camera cut out. But will it be September? Or maybe it's September tomorrow, the day you're seeing this. So, I mean, things are things are coming, which is crazy. Anyways, I'm just yapping. Thank you guys for hanging out with me today. I hope you don't mind that I like maybe occasionally will do these sort of I mean I've probably done like four throughout my entire YouTube career but just yeah like sitting down yapping getting things off my chest feeling like I'm just reconnecting a little bit and I really appreciate you being here. Thanks so much for hanging out. I will be doing normal vlogs like from here on out unless you want to see more of these in the future. But yeah, love you guys so much and I will see you very soon in the next vlog. Bye.