Video summary
Recent research into marriage stability highlights a critical predictor of divorce with 80% accuracy, findings largely attributed to decades of work by The Gottman Institute. This institution conducted extensive scientific analysis on over 10,000 couples in laboratory settings, observing their interactions for several days to forecast relationship longevity within just one year. The core discovery was remarkably simple yet profound: the ability of partners to respond positively to each other's "bids for connection." When an individual expresses an emotion or need upon returning home, such as stating they are tired after work, a successful partnership involves acknowledging that feeling rather than dismissing it with indifference or counter-attacking. This mutual responsiveness builds trust and allows couples to lean into one another emotionally; conversely, turning away from these emotional needs acts as training ground for divorce, eventually leading to exhaustion and relationship breakdown even if the split does not occur immediately. The rising divorce rates over the last fifty years are attributed by researchers primarily to a surge in distractions that erode this capacity for connection. Modern life offers an overwhelming array of alternatives for basic activities—whether choosing from dozens of food delivery options or streaming services—which fosters a disposable mindset where investing time and patience in one person becomes difficult. This shift has moved society away from collectivism toward intense individualism, programming the psyche to prioritize self-esteem and personal fulfillment over communal happiness. Consequently, when partners are stressed or tired, they often retreat inward rather than seeking support, creating a cycle of defensiveness and cynicism that further isolates individuals. Young people entering relationships without experience may adopt these guarded behaviors as a protective mechanism against potential hurt, inadvertently teaching their partners to love them in avoidant ways by pretending not to have emotional needs. Effective communication is essential for breaking this negative cycle, particularly regarding how one expresses vulnerability versus maintaining an artificial facade of independence. The transcript illustrates that many people mistakenly believe they must appear cool and unneedy to attract a partner, waiting passively rather than initiating contact or expressing affection like missing someone. However, this strategy teaches the other person to respond with avoidance instead of meeting genuine needs for daily communication and reassurance. By openly stating desires such as needing regular interaction or verbal affirmation, individuals can train their partners in healthy ways; conversely, pretending to be independent attracts those who are equally avoidant, ensuring relationship failure. This dynamic is exacerbated by the rise of digital distractions that make people feel unsafe when a partner follows others on social media or likes pictures of other girls, causing immediate emotional guards to go up and ruining otherwise promising connections. Beyond connection bids, another major predictor identified in the research involves the ratio of praise to criticism within a relationship. Couples who last consistently scan their environment for opportunities to compliment each other, finding value even in small acts like making the bed or paying bills. In contrast, failing relationships often suffer from an inability to recall when they last offered genuine compliments, viewing them as unnecessary given that partners are already together. This lack of validation is particularly damaging because men specifically crave verbal affirmation regarding their appearance and intelligence; studies suggest many men pursue affairs not for sex but because a new partner simply tells them they look great or validates their intellect. When women feel similarly undervalued by friends, family, or spouses who stop telling them they are beautiful, the emotional starvation drives attraction toward those offering even basic validation. Ultimately, these factors—responsive connection and abundant praise—are essential antidotes to the toxic games of rivalry that plague declining relationships. As trust diminishes due to perceived threats like social media usage, partners become less safe with one another, making it impossible to offer or receive necessary compliments. The research underscores that healthy partnerships require an active effort to reject distractions and prioritize each other's emotional needs over hedonistic pursuits. By abandoning the pretense of being self-sufficient and instead communicating true vulnerabilities and appreciating small contributions, couples can avoid the training ground for divorce. Without these foundational elements of safety, responsiveness, and validation, relationships are destined to deteriorate as partners retreat into their own defenses, perpetuating a cycle that continues to broadcast itself through modern dating culture where risk aversion leads to further isolation and breakup.
Read the full video transcript
Eve said current dating is just
practicing for divorce there's a lot of
talk about the fragility of long-term
relationships and divorce rates going up
you've actually done some research
looking at what predicts divorce
what did you find
well I I have to give credit where
credit's due but the the most
long-standing Research into marriage and
relationships was by the gottman
institution and they did the most
scientific and objective analysis of
relationships and they studied 10 000
couples in a lab over a couple of days
and they were able to predict with 80
accuracy which couples would stay
together and which ones would get
divorced within a year and it was so
simple what they were able to find and
it was simple thing as responding to
each other's bids for connection what I
mean by this is when we have a
partnership where one person comes home
and expresses an emotion the other one
picks up on it that partnership has the
base levels to last a really long time
so it could be a simple thing like you
come home from work and say I'm so tired
and your partner says why what's wrong
simple connection from that connection
they've trust each other and then they
start to lean into each other but if you
come home and you're like I'm so tired
and your partner either says no nothing
or says why are you tired I'm the one
that's been with the kids all day or
what have you done all day I've been at
work all day that turning away from each
other's emotional needs is the training
ground for divorce they are now setting
themselves up for divorce and it might
not happen today it might not happen
tomorrow it might last another 10 15
years but we get emotionally exhausted
by having partners who reject our kind
of advances for connection and
eventually the relationship ends
why is it the case then that divorce
rates are rising
if that's the biggest predictor if
that's 80 accuracy of being able to
predict
why has that specific trait changed so
much over the last 50 years
distractions
distractions distractions distractions
there are alternatives to everything
even if you want a meal you'll have 50
alternatives on ubereats you want to go
out to eat there's 50 places that you
could go you want to watch something
there's 50 Alternatives of what to watch
there are so many alternatives to every
single asset aspect of life that it
makes it almost impossible to invest in
one everybody and everything becomes
disposable so what's happening is when
your partner comes home a bit tired or
stressed maybe in the past you'd pick up
on it but now you're on your phone or
maybe when your partner wanted to watch
a series that you didn't care about in
the past you may have been like okay
it's fine it's I'll just get on with it
there's nothing else on now like you
watch this I'm going to watch that
there's so many alternatives to
everybody and every every person is now
becoming so disposable that we can no
longer have the patience to invest in
people's emotional needs and we're
becoming so hedonistic that our
emotional needs come first and we're
being taught this in society
always talked about put you first
self-esteem self-assurance
self-actualization the word self is kind
of programmed in our psyche and the
collectivism that we used to have as a
society is gone so we're no longer
getting happiness from somebody else's
happiness it's a it's a selfish Pursuit
now unfortunately
isn't it strange that the trait of
focusing not on somebody else's desire
for connection is causing you to turn
inward that is causing divorces to
increase down the line which means that
people respond to that by being more
defensive by being more guarded and more
cynical which makes them turn further
inward which makes them less of an
eligible partner to the next
relationship which then just creates a
cycle that then gets broadcast onto the
internet people who haven't had much
experience in relationships because
they're young or because they fail out
or because they're concerned or nervous
or averted to risk
use that as their proxy and say right
well I'd better enter into this
relationship guarding myself so that I
don't get hurt which makes it more
likely that it's going to break up and
the cycle just continues
it's exactly that what happens is we're
actually entering relationships with our
armor up but in the process of playing
those games like not texting back uh not
getting too close not attaching not
telling them that you miss them not
telling them that you love them you are
training somebody to love you in the
wrong way if I'm somebody who's needy
and I actually need lots of love and
reassurance but I don't want to text
first and I don't want to be looking
needing I don't want to say I miss you
because I'm going to wait for him I'm
then teaching him that I'm cool calm and
collect and I don't care when I hear
from him if I see you I see you but then
he's under he's not getting the training
ground of what I truly want he's not
getting access to my true needs so I am
now no longer communicating effectively
I'm actually teaching him how to love in
and in a very avoidant and dismissive
manner because I'm pretending to be cool
when really if I say look I need to
speak to my partner on a daily basis I
like to see you regularly I love you I
miss you what is this I like labels when
I start communicating my needs he will
actually learn how to love me but we're
teaching people to do the opposite we're
teaching people to pretend that they're
somebody else and especially pretend
that they're avoided pretend that
they're independent depend that they
pretend that they don't have these needs
so essentially we're going to attract
the wrong partner
what else have you found that is a
predictor of a toxic or a negative or a
declining relationship
a criticism over praise
um again with the research one of the
things that they find is partners that
last are ones that praise a substantial
amount compared to criticism so they
scan the environment to kind of Praise
their partner they'll look for excuses
to praise their partner like even if
it's as simple as like you make the bed
so good every time I come home the house
is clean these tiny things any
opportunity to praise their partner but
what happens in relationships that end
is they can't remember the last time
they complimented each other they think
it should be a given they think oh you
know I think you're pretty because I'm
with you aren't I or you know I'm
grateful that you pay the bills like I I
I'm you're a guy why do you need
compliments men are craving this I've
noticed a lot in in my practice and men
that often have affairs they're not
actually seeking sex they're seeking a
woman that complements them they say
they can't remember the last time a
woman told them that he looks great
words for women we our partner says
about also our friends will tell us
people will tell us yeah we've always
been told we're beautiful or whatever it
is but for men if their partner doesn't
tell them nobody does so when they meet
somebody who simply tells them they look
good they fit their intelligent
something to validate them they
immediately become attracted to that
because they're starved of it so praise
is something that I think couples forget
how important it is I suppose that the
game playing and the Rivalry that
sometimes happens in relationships as
they start to go downhill
that makes this situation worse because
you're not going to praise somebody that
you think is your rival or that you're
trying to play games with or that you're
unsure about the level of trust that you
should put in them whoever you don't
feel safe with thing is all of these
things I'm saying they only come when
you feel safe now simple things like
liking other girls pictures or following
people now makes people feel super
unsafe super super unsafe so then guards
go up I know people that the moment they
add somebody on Instagram and they see
who they're following they might have
had a really great date with them
everything was great but then they look
on their following like oh straight away
insecurities guards everything what's
happening people if you enjoyed that
then press here for the full unedited
episode and don't forget to subscribe
face