Video summary
Joe Hudson posits that nearly every relationship conflict stems from three core dynamics: feeling unseen, attempting to change a partner, and defending oneself against perceived attacks. He introduces his concept of the "shame hot potato," describing how individuals who feel bad about themselves project shame onto others rather than addressing their own feelings. This cycle creates a defensive loop where one person's attempt to defend their position is interpreted as an attack by the other, escalating minor issues like household chores into major arguments. For instance, if someone feels ashamed of not keeping up with housework and keeps score against their partner who works longer hours, both parties become entrenched in defending themselves rather than connecting. Hudson argues that true resolution occurs when partners shift these underlying dynamics, specifically by ensuring each person feels seen for who they are. When a listener acknowledges the other's feelings without judgment—such as admitting "I don't do the dishes" or validating their overwhelm—the fight dissolves instantly because there is no longer a need to defend oneself against an attack. He emphasizes that trying to change someone else often signals a lack of unconditional love, implying that affection depends on specific behaviors rather than inherent worth. This desire to change others frequently mirrors internal struggles where individuals try to suppress parts of themselves they do not accept; for example, feeling embarrassed about a partner's body size might actually reflect one's own unacknowledged need to fit in and avoid standing out. A significant portion of the discussion focuses on replacing "shoulds" with authentic "wants," as motivation driven by obligation is described as dirty fuel that fails to sustain long-term change, whereas desire acts as a powerful engine for growth. Hudson illustrates this using the example of an artist whose love for their craft diminishes once they begin telling themselves they *should* create work daily; similarly, people often fail at fitness goals because they rely on external pressure rather than internal drive. He suggests that even within rigid "shoulds," there is usually a hidden want waiting to be discovered—such as wanting to feel healthy or attractive behind the command to go to the gym—which can then lead to exploring various options like pickle ball, salsa dancing, or hiking instead of sticking to a single narrow path. To navigate personal growth without falling into self-imposed tyranny, Hudson introduces the concept of the "zone of proximal development," distinguishing between new challenges that are part of one's journey and those forced by shame-based mandates. He advises listeners to look beneath their compulsive behaviors to find the underlying desire fueling them; if someone wants to feel good, they can experiment with twenty different activities rather than forcing themselves into a single routine dictated by an internal critic. By identifying these core wants, individuals unlock broader options for achieving goals and avoid the resistance that comes from trying to force change upon oneself or others. Ultimately, he concludes that sustainable progress relies on listening to natural motivation and curiosity about what one truly desires, rather than succumbing to the restrictive voice of obligation.
Read the full video transcript
Every relationship fight boils down to
three things. Number one, I don't feel
seen. Number two, I'm trying to change
you. Number three, I need to defend
myself. Shift any one of those and the
fight will shift too.
>> Yeah. Yeah. So, the the way I see most
fights is I I have a theory called the
shame hot potato, which is basically
I don't feel good about myself, so I'm
going to throw shame at you. And now I
don't feel good about myself, so I'm
going to throw shame at you. And then
we're just like passing the shame back
and forth. This person feels like
they're always defending themselves.
This person feels like they're always
defending themselves. But my def this
defense feels like an attack to this
person. And this defense feels like an
attack to this person. So it's like you
never do the dishes. Like I am ashamed
that I can't keep up with the housework
and that I'm keeping score.
You don't do the dishes.
I feel like I'm defending myself. Look
at all the things that I've done. Why
aren't you? I feel like you attacked me
for not doing the dishes. And back and
forth it just goes like that. And so
this person's response is, well, I work
all day and you don't you you only work
35 hours a week.
>> Oh, I don't work enough. I've been
attacked. I'm ashamed. And off it goes.
And so every single one of those things
that you said there that that that you
read there are an expression of that
cycle that's going on.
I really see that you need more help in
the house and you feel overwhelmed and I
don't want you to feel overwhelmed.
Fight's gone. That's the being seen
part.
Oh, you're right. I don't do the dishes.
Fight's gone. I I don't need to defend
myself.
So all every single thing is just
basically unlocking that shame hot
potato that's going, which is basically
people feeling unloved for who they are
and not being able to love themselves
for who they are. M
>> I I just love the phrase that it's like
if you're trying to change somebody,
you're not loving them.
>> You're basically saying you need to be
different to get my love.
>> And and that usually typically means for
the for yourself if you're trying to
change somebody is that you're trying to
also there's also some part of yourself
that you're not loving.
>> Why?
Uh let's say I early in the relationship
Tara was very big and I would get
embarrassed and it was not about Terra
being big. It was about me trying to be
seen as
normal being fit in everywhere not stand
out. It has nothing to do with her. So
that part of her that I'm changing is
like the part of me wanting attention
that I wasn't allowing myself to feel or
have.
So typically that's the thing and it and
and it's and it's also just like that
old phrase my mom actually had this on
needle point in the wall. I don't know
like she needle pointed this phrase.
It's just something that happened with
American moms in the 70s apparently. And
um it said uh trying to move a mountain
or change a man, I'll move a mountain.
It's easier.
>> So it's also just red. Like it just
hurts a relationship because the person
will resist you.
>> Yeah. People don't respond well to being
told you need to change.
>> Exactly. Including ourselves. And yet we
do it to ourselves all the time.
>> Talk to me about that.
>> I should work out more. I should stop
smoking. I should be more truthful. I
should run a bigger business. I should
be famous. Like all those things are the
things that you can look back on a
decade and haven't changed. The more
we're forcing ourselves to change, the
less that change happens.
>> Where does change come from if not from
motivating ourselves?
>> The same place it comes from when a
little kid goes from crawling to
walking. It's our wants. It's our it's
it's like being able to listen to and
fully feel the want
>> that is in our world.
>> Like like wants are far more more
efficient fuel than shoulds. Shoods is a
very dirty fuel.
It it doesn't work very well. It's meant
to kind of stop things. It you know
shame and shoods are like they're meant
to stop behaviors and we use them to
motivate ourselves but they don't work
very well. Whereas wants and desire and
natural motivation that just
burns, you know, it's that golf guy, I
love to practice.
He has a want to p he wants to play
golf. That's the thing. He like kept his
love for playing golf. That's a more
efficient fuel than I should play golf
every day.
if you want to like screw up like how
many artists do you know who have done
this that they're an art they're they're
loving their art they're doing great
they get a job they start having to do
their art and they're like I should do
my art and then their love for their art
goes away like
right anything that you tell yourself
you should do the love of it just starts
>> going away. How do you protect yourself?
Because there are things that um
the difference between knowing this is
the next area for growth and progress
that I could put myself into.
>> Yeah.
>> Uh that is a zone of proximal
development. It's not what I'm doing
right now. I don't even know if I want
to do this thing cuz it's kind of new.
It's on the, you know, outside of the
orbit of what I've done.
>> Yeah.
>> Uh how do you know the difference
between that and this tyrannical should?
You know, this is like part of the
journey. It's a good part of progress.
It's a It can be the journey to the next
want.
>> Yeah. The crazy thing is that oftentimes
even inside of a should, you can look
and find the want in it, right? So, I
should go to the gym. Well, what's the
want? Well, the want is to feel healthy.
The want is to be skinny. The want
There's like some want behind it. Okay.
You can even take that to the next
level. What makes you want to be skinny?
Is Oh, I want to be attractive. I want
to be loved. Okay, cool. there's
actually a real want there. You can find
the want that's beneath that should. And
then you have a lot more options. Okay.
So, let's just say it's it's I want to
feel good. Well, going to the gym is one
way to feel good. Playing pickle ball is
another way to feel good. Hiking a
mountain, being in nature is another way
to feel good. Being with friends is
another way to feel good. So, all of a
sudden, I have these options that open
up. And typically, when we're in a
should, it's a very narrow
doorway. So, for instance, when I was
trying to go from not working out to
working out, instead of saying I should
go to the gym, I said, "What are 20
things that I really want to experiment
with as far as working out goes? And I
want I want to see what pickle ball's
like. I want to see what salsa dancing's
like." And I just And then I did all
those 20 things in like side of a month.
And then I found out, wow, I really like
pickle ball. Like, I just I I don't need
to be motivated. I don't I just I'm
calling people, hey, you want to play
pickle ball? Oh, cool. Now I'm working
out and I'm doing something I want to
do.
>> So, it's just finding the want that's in
there and then following it rather than
listening to the voice in the head say
should and then agreeing with it
because then you're forcing yourself and
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trying to change us, including us. In
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