Video summary
The video addresses the common dilemma where individuals have been seeing someone for months or even years, yet the partner refuses to make the relationship official despite acting as if everything is normal. The speaker, Matthew Coast, introduces the concept of a "commitment-optional position," explaining that most women inadvertently create this dynamic without realizing it. He argues that typical assumptions about why men avoid commitment—such as fear of commitment, past trauma, or simply needing more time—are rarely the true causes. Instead, the core issue is that the current arrangement provides the man with all the benefits of a relationship, including time, attention, physical intimacy, emotional support, and loyalty, without requiring him to take on any new responsibilities or change his behavior.
When women find themselves in this trap, they often respond by trying to be more patient, demonstrating increased care and support, giving space, or hoping that their love will eventually persuade the other person to choose them. The speaker emphasizes that these efforts almost always backfire, causing the unwanted situation to last even longer. By continuously giving without receiving anything in return, the partner becomes increasingly comfortable with the status quo, realizing that nothing requires him to escalate the relationship. This dynamic allows him to enjoy the perks of a partnership while avoiding the label or the obligations that come with it, effectively making commitment an optional choice rather than a necessity.
To break free from this cycle, the speaker outlines a three-part shift that changes the entire power dynamic. First, one must recognize that the situation itself is the problem, not personal worth, which stops the individual from trying to fix themselves and instead focuses on the relationship structure. Second, the person needs to move into a position of power by stopping the over-giving that proves their value and instead creating a scenario where the partner must put in effort to keep them. This transforms the dynamic so that the individual becomes someone the other person is working to win over, rather than someone who is already fully possessed. Finally, allowing the situation to rebalance naturally leads to one of two outcomes: either the partner begins moving toward commitment because he feels he needs to secure what he cares about, or he reveals that he was never going to commit at all.
The underlying principle driving this approach is that men are more likely to commit when they feel they must make an effort to keep something valuable, rather than when they already have everything with little resistance. By altering the position within the relationship, the speaker asserts that the entire dynamic shifts accordingly, forcing a decision that provides clarity and prevents further stagnation. For those interested in understanding exactly how this commitment-optional position forms and what specific actions to take instead, the video concludes by directing viewers to a free one-page explainer available via a link, offering a detailed guide on navigating these complex relationship dynamics and building lasting, committed partnerships.
Read the full video transcript
If you've been seeing a man for months,
maybe even a year or more, and he acts
like you're in a relationship in every
way that matters, but still won't make
you his girlfriend or make things
official, then you're probably stuck in
something that I call a
commitment-optional position. And most
women accidentally create this without
ever realizing that they did. So, give
me the next few minutes and I'll show
you exactly why men stay in
situationships for years and the one
shift that you can make that changes the
entire dynamic.
Hi, my name's Matthew Coast and for over
12 years, I've helped women in more than
100 countries break out of
situationships and build real committed
relationships that last. So, let's go
ahead and just dive right into this. So,
most women in situationships assume the
problem is one of three things.
First, maybe he's scared of commitment.
Second, maybe he's been hurt before. Or
third, maybe he just needs more time.
However, these are almost never the real
reasons. The real reason is that the
situation accidentally makes commitment
completely optional for him. So, I want
you to think about this for a second. He
already has your time. He has your
attention. He has your body. He has your
emotional support. He has your loyalty.
He has everything a real relationship
gives him. He just doesn't have the
label. So, from where he's standing,
nothing really needs to change. This
doesn't make him a bad person. It's just
that nothing about the situation
requires him to do anything differently.
So, here's what most women do when
they're stuck in a situation like this.
They try to be more patient. They show
him how caring and supportive that they
are. They give him space. They keep
showing up hoping that if they love him
well enough that he'll eventually choose
them.
And that almost always makes the
situation that you don't want to be in
last even longer.
The more you give without getting
anything back, the more comfortable he
gets with the way things are.
So, here's the shift that changes all of
that.
There are three different parts to this.
The first is that you need to see the
commitment-optional position for what it
is. The moment you understand that the
situation is the problem itself and not
your worth, everything starts to make
sense. You stop trying to fix yourself
and start looking at what's actually
been created between the two of you.
The second thing is moving into what I
call the position of power. Instead of
giving more to prove your value, you
shift into a place where he has to put
in effort in order to keep you. You
become someone that he's working to win
over, not someone that he already has.
And then the third thing is letting
things rebalance. When the situation
changes, one of two things happen.
Either he starts moving towards
commitment or he shows you that he was
never going to. And both of those
situations, both of those things that a
guy does, they give you something that
you haven't had yet.
A clear answer. The reason that this
works is simple. Men commit when they
feel like they have to in order to keep
something that they really care about,
not when they already have it with no or
little effort. Right? So, when you
change the position that you're in, the
entire situation changes with it.
If you want to see exactly how the
commitment-optional position gets
created in your relationship and what to
do instead, I put together a free
one-page explainer that walks you
through the entire thing. So, just go
ahead and click the link below to grab
it and I'll speak with you again soon.