The Shocking Reasons Why People Cheat In Relationships - Sadia Khan

Duration: 11:33 2466 transcript words EN summary

Video summary

Sadia Khan argues that infidelity often stems from a partner's failure to recognize and address red flags rather than an unavoidable fate, particularly noting that unfaithful individuals frequently display their values or history of cheating early on through behaviors like pornography addiction or non-traditional views. She illustrates this with cases where clients remained in relationships for years despite clear signs such as late replies, missing phones, and defensive reactions to questions about whereabouts; the price paid for ignoring these warnings is often betrayal. Khan emphasizes that cheaters seek a "two-in-one" solution by combining the security of an existing relationship—such as someone who pays bills—with the thrill or specific sexual experiences found elsewhere, highlighting how modern gluttony allows people to pursue multiple options without realizing that healthy marriages require sacrificing alternatives rather than seeking them simultaneously. The discussion centers on the concept of trade-offs in relationships, asserting that there are no true options but only sacrifices where one must give up something else for what they desire. Khan suggests that a stable marriage may involve accepting less frequent or intense sexual novelty compared to single life, whereas remaining single carries risks like chronic loneliness and depression. When considering reconciliation after infidelity, she draws a sharp distinction between men and women: while she advises against getting back together if children are involved due to the complexity of forgiveness dynamics, for couples without children, she notes that when a man forgives his female partner's cheating, it can inadvertently signal weakness because alpha masculinity does not accept promiscuity. Consequently, the forgiven woman may feel empowered again and repeat the behavior, while the forgiving man suffers from depleted self-esteem and potential hostility toward her as he struggles with pride issues regarding his inability to walk away. Khan delves into specific motivations for why married women cheat, often attributing it to marrying out of necessity rather than desire due to biological clocks or settling for partners who wanted them instead of whom they truly loved. She also points to a lack of feeling desired over time and childhood trauma as significant factors; specifically, she posits that individuals from single-parent homes may view an affair partner as a "safety hatch" or backup parent figure to fill the void left by an absent caregiver. This psychological need for a second source of love makes them less willing to leave their current spouse alone if needs aren't met, preferring to seek validation elsewhere rather than face the loneliness of being single. Regarding men's infidelity, Khan clarifies that it is rarely purely sexual but instead driven by a pursuit of ego boosts and feelings they feel deprived in their primary relationships or childhoods. They often crave novelty and specific emotional responses like feeling seen, attractive, or fed, which new partners provide effortlessly through targeted compliments and attention. She contrasts this with the tactics used by escorts or sugar babies who manipulate married men by leveraging their low self-esteem and offering phrases that single women cannot easily replicate because they are constantly competing for a man's time. Ultimately, she concludes that if one cannot accept the worst-case scenario of infidelity recurring after reconciliation, staying together is merely delaying an inevitable divorce; individuals must choose which pain—boredom in marriage or loneliness in singleness—they can handle and commit to warding off alternatives accordingly.

Read the full video transcript

why do you think infidelity occurs most commonly in your experience I would honestly say if you ever get cheated on I always I know people hate me for this but it's usually your fault and the reason I say that particularly with men uh a cheating woman shows you every red flag from day one if you choose to ignore red flags you'll pay the price in life you pay prices there's price taxs now everybody shows you that the cheaters show you they're going to be a cheat and how they show it is very simple their values they maybe they show you that they've done it in the past maybe they show you that they are not so traditional maybe they show you that they are don't believe in monogamy May they're addicted to pornography cheaters show you their their past they show you everything now if you don't want to get cheated on you either choose that cheater but know what know what the score is and then you don't get hurt you know what's going to happen but ignoring red flags is always going to get land you in that position now whenever I have clients that have been cheated on a lot for five six years A man's got another mistress or three years she's still been talking to her ex I was like there's no way she can get to 3 years without your you consenting and they're like what do you mean by that I was like they would have been late replies there would have been days their phones are off there would have been not telling you where they're going they tell you everything their social media would have suggested something you would have been questioning them sometimes and they would have got defensive rather than reassuring you they would have been signs you chose to ignore them the price you pay for that unfortunately is infidelity so you either accept an Unfaithful know what you're there doing and then just decide okay I can accept it but I'd rather be with you than not without you but you but denying the red flags is always it's going to catch up on you the infidelity is going to occur so that's why people get cheated on why people choose to do it is because they can get the comfort of a relationship with the joy and pleasure of a an alternative connection so they get two in one so they might get the comfort of somebody who pays a bills but the sex life of a young personal trainer that she wants and he might get the comfort of a good wife but then the sexual experience of a escort when he goes and does that so they we become so greedy we don't realize that some things have to involve a s a sacrifice a healthy marriage has to involve sacrificing the Alternatives we don't see the need to sacrifice Alternatives because now we are so gluttonous even if we eat a lot we can still do that and get surgery even if we spend a lot we can still get credit cards we no longer see the sacrifice of Alternatives is required in order for positive outcomes yeah there's a a cool quote that says uh there are no there are no options only trade-offs right that for everything that you want there is something else that you need to give up and I think that's a good way to look at relationships yeah if you want a good healthy marriage unfortunately you might have to sacrifice the most exciting sexual experience every day of your life because that's what 20 years of marriage doesn't look like you know it's realistic and if you want like a single life then you have to accept that your emotional like you might suffer from anxiety and depression in the long run so you've got to realize whatever decision you make it comes with a lot of pain and suffering pick your pain being married the pain might involve being bored it might not being sexually stimulated but being single the pain might involve a lot of loneliness depression and sadness just pick which pain you can handle and confine yourself to that decision and ward off all the Alternatives what do you think about getting back together after infidelity um get back together absolutely you I don't if there's children I don't say no way no way no way if there's no children I always tell people to reconsider um but one thing I would say it's different from men and women when a man forgives a female CH she can't respect you the same way you got to remember we like Alpha men Alpha men don't accept promiscuity so what happens when you accept a woman back a part of her will always feel like you're weak and you don't have the willingness to walk away because there's nothing that can push a man to walk away more than infidelity and if that didn't do it nothing will so now she's Lawless for a man again I don't re massively recommend it unless there's children but I would focus more on what was the meaning behind the affair what were they seeking and if it's something that you can do in your marriage by all means do it but if it's something that's more traumatic and it's more to do with an emptiness and a trauma in their childhood and you can't feel that void then you still can get back with them but expect the behavior to continue when I when people get back together of fair I just say but ask yourself if he stayed exactly the same and still cheated 5 years down the line could you be okay with it and if you decide you know what I can as long as you're good to me and good to the kids I can do it by all means do it but don't go back together expecting it to be completely different it's not it's not realistic interesting to think that one of the considerations that you're focusing on to do with infidelity is not whether the person can accept that themselves it's whether the other person can accept being accepted especially for women yes so essentially can can you accept worst case scenario if worst case scenario happens again can you accept it if the answer is no then you're just delaying the divorce just do it now if the answer is yeah because the alternative I just don't want to do it then go ahead but always ask yourself can I accept worst case scenario then if that happens at least you've prepared for it if it doesn't happen at least your marriage stands a shot it's a brutal realization I guess for guys that maybe they're partner may have had infidelity and then they can try and do the work to be able to accept them again but that is creating a rhythm A vibe that may make it difficult for the partner that cheated on them to to accept them back again yeah something dies in us when you accept the unacceptable because your masculinity is depleted and the other thing is the man loses his masculinity he starts to hate himself for not being able to walk away instead of having a pride of attached to like okay I've kept my family together they know they shouldn't do it there's something speaks to them so they end up hating themselves and because they can't always express that they can get quite hostile and violent towards a woman and can get quite verbally abusive towards her and I'm not saying she's like an angel but the verbal abuse and it's all you're doing is like I said you're just essentially punishing her for your inability to walk away she's going to beg and say please forgive me please forgive me but the reality is um we don't want the man that forgives us we really don't we want the man that says you had your chance it's been a pleasure I wish you the best because that's a man we respect why do married women cheat um a lot of married women a couple of reasons they didn't marry the person they truly wanted to marry they the biological clock hit them and they married who was available at the time and they might have had an ex that they idolized they might have had something else that they didn't marry correctly they didn't choose the person that they wanted to marry they chose a person who wanted to marry them and so they settled to begin with so they started wrong and that can happen on the alternative side it could be is when she hasn't felt desired for a really long time and she puts the feeling of needing to feel desired and sexy and attractive as a number one like uh emotion so she'll put that over and above her family and she craves that so if she's naturally born like quite attention seeking or if she married who who wanted to marry her rather than who she really wanted to marry unfortunately she's more prone to cheating yeah and and you and also if she grew up with a bit of chaos I find that women that come from single parent homes are far more likely to cheat and the reason I I've noticed that and the the only hypothesis I can think of is that usually when somebody isn't fulfilling our needs we can go back to a safe haven of two we we're designed to have two parents that love us we got Mom and Dad two people love us that's how it should be now when those two people one of them is absent you always feel like there's a void so when you're in a relationship and all of it is on him if he stops giving you that love you almost seek it as a backup because you don't want that emptiness that you may have experienced as a child so they almost have a backup before they can leave the guy they can't just leave and be by themselves because that really feels lonely they'd rather leave when they've got somebody else it's like having that extra parent in your life you you like when you have Mom that anoy you've always got dad youve got a backup but when you didn't grow up with that that being by yourself is really horrible and Lonesome so they always if one person's lets them down they always try and keep back up in case that person removes their love from them it's a safety hatch safety hatch yeah what about men why do men cheat um men usually cheat when they're chasing an ego boost they're not usually in love with the person that they're cheating with but they are in love with the feeling that person gives them and sometimes the person makes them feel seen sometimes the person makes them feel like they're fed sometimes they feel person makes them feel attractive whatever it is heard um they're chasing a particular feeling that they're deprived of either from their marriage or from their childhood and as a result they seek it it's not sexual people think it's just oh they men love sex men love sex there's some men out there if they really love sex they would just have sex with their wives they haven't had sex with their wives in a long time but they crave novelty or they crave somebody else making them feel a certain way so I don't think it's all sexual I think it's far more psychological and emotional than they think it is and they label it as sex but really it's the new person is get making them feel seen and maybe they felt unseen for a really long time at home and I suppose that a lot of single people people or escorts are purposefully portraying a version of themselves that makes that person feel seen yeah the escorts know exactly what they're doing same with sugar babies they know that with this man who's been married for so long they target married men because they have a in my experience of what I watching them what they do is they have a leverage because every time he doesn't pay her he can say I'm going to tell your wife so they really do Target married men because they've got that leverage but also the the low self-esteem in married men it's so easy to manipulate them giving them a phone call to tell them that they look great tell them that they smell great telling that there coffee ready they haven't heard these phrases in a really long time and that works perfectly with married men but it doesn't work so much with a man who's been on the single scene for so long and has four or five different girls coming over every month or whatever it is so because everybody's foring over him in the same way yeah so you don't stand out to that guy we'll get back to talking to sard in one minute but first I need to tell you about Factor if you are too busy this Autumn to cook but still want to make sure that you're eating well Factor fact is the solution with Factor you can skip the extra 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