The Secret To Finding Happiness During Hard Times - Matthew McConaughey
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Matthew McConaughey shares his philosophy on finding happiness during difficult times, emphasizing the importance of deconstructing success rather than just analyzing failure. He notes that while people readily dissect the successes of others in books and podcasts, they often only scrutinize their own failures. To counter this imbalance, McConaughey explains how he forces himself to write daily regardless of his mood, even when things are going well. By reviewing these entries later, he identifies consistencies such as who he hung out with, what he ate, and spiritual practices like saying grace or appreciating beauty that contributed to good times. He argues that happiness is not guaranteed but satisfaction can be engineered through habits designed to reduce pain in life, suggesting we must bottle the science of our own success just as we do when things go wrong. The conversation shifts to self-care and discipline, where McConaughey highlights a striking statistic: people are nearly twice as likely to ensure their dog completes a course of antibiotics compared to ensuring they take their own medication himself. This disparity illustrates how easily humans neglect themselves in favor of others or animals. To combat this tendency toward cynicism—a "disease of getting too old"—McConaughey advocates for holding onto one's principles and backbone even as life changes inevitably occur. He encourages listeners to choose to shine rather than succumb to the flow, maintaining a healthy ego that understands the difference between arrogance and self-awareness. He believes we must be more "full of ourselves," meaning fully committed to our own standards and capable of cracking our own whips when necessary, rather than half-assing life or letting others define us. McConaughey also explores the dynamics of relationships through the concept known as the Michelangelo effect. This principle describes a scenario in partnerships where each person sees the best qualities in the other and actively helps bring them out, much like sculptor Michelangelo revealing David from a block of marble by removing excess stone rather than adding to it. He contrasts this with common relationship failures caused by unrealistic ideals; couples often project god-like expectations onto one another—like Wonder Woman or Superman—which leads to disappointment when reality sets in. Instead, he suggests lowering the "wattage" of these projections and accepting real human flaws, allowing partners to shine without being crushed under impossible standards that neither can meet alone. Finally, McConaughey addresses the critical issue of self-reward versus harsh self-criticism after success or failure. He observes that society is quick to pat others on the back for achievements while delivering a "kick in the dick" and harsh words when we fail ourselves. He prescribes taking time to look in the mirror, own our victories with pride by saying good job, and acknowledge failures without excessive condemnation. This approach fosters ownership of both gains and losses, preventing us from walking away feeling underwhelmed or undervalued. Ultimately, he concludes that it is far easier to be supportive and gentle toward others than we are toward ourselves, urging everyone to treat themselves with the same kindness they would offer a friend who has tried their best.
Read the full video transcript
talking about that balance between good
times and bad times the lessons that we
take from each heard a quote recently
that said every man knows reflection and
introspection when he's at his
lowest bad times you can't do anything
other than wallow in retrospective
assessment uh but one of my favorite
things I've learned from you is when
things are going well given that that's
presumably what you want to have more of
may be worth deconstructing that yes I I
I I I I wish I could more and I I I
think more of us could all deconstruct
our assets there's a there's a we
happiness you can't guarantee it but
there is a science to satisfaction there
you can look at habits that
engineered less pain in your life maybe
more pleasure but at least less pain and
that's that's a win um
I uh
uh I try to deconstruct look I don't do
I write it did I used to write as much
look at anybody who's ever kept a diary
when what's the old sort of nostalgic
idea of a diary you go there when you're
in pain and you share thoughts that you
don't want to share with anyone else of
those reflection
and I did Ed for some reason I don't
know why but would force myself to write
every day no matter how happy I happy I
was and I didn't like lot of times I
want to go write when I was happy
because I was like no I don't need to
write it I don't need to become
conscious of it I'm having too much fun
it's getting in the way come on I'm
doing it it's living it's happening but
and in writing green LS when I went back
that's a lot of the consistencies that I
found that I wrote when things were
going well that I was taking some for
some reason taking time to
go can I B can I try and bottle some
science here to why things are going
well and I did find
consistencies who I was hanging out out
with at night what I was drinking what
bar I was at what food I was drinking um
how exercise uh preparation for work for
school um and I found things I was like
you really happy in this segment of your
life let's go back and look at what you
were doing oh man I I had this I had
agmen Dino Scrolls I was on them every
day I had some discipline where I was
checking in with myself oh you were
going to church on
Sundays you were you were giv you you
you were you were saying thank you God
before you went to bed each
night you were appreciating more you
were pointing out be beautiful things
and not taking them for granted and so I
found a list of things I like and when I
get off track I try to remind myself ah
you've been slacking on some of those
and I could pull it off I've evolved I
got different ways I get away with some
now but you know uh I've definitely
found consistencies and I think we all
have them if we just notate them along
the way that they're not by accident cuz
we sure as hell deconstruct the reasons
when we're in the funk and we don't
believe they're by accident we can take
ourselves to Behind The Woodshed and
show ourselves exactly why we're guilty
for every reason and condemn ourselves
for every damn reason we got to that
spot yeah well let's we're going to do
that I just say
let's let's cheers let's have a cheers
on the way for all the things that are
work for when we have [ __ ] going right
also knowing that it's not forever that
it will we will have a mountain to climb
here shortly isn't it interesting so
much
of content that people like to consume
books podcasts autobiographies Memoirs
is deconstructing the success of others
so we'll happily dissect success in
other people right and yet only dissect
failure in ourselves this OD symmetry
where we bestow all of the glory right
on those people well done and I must
find out how to do it more even if it
doesn't fit me even if there're a
different Constitution different
background different
time for me I'll focus on the negatives
right there's a really interesting uh
stat around the likelihood of you
ensuring that your dog completes a
course of antibiotics is about
95% the likelihood that you ensure that
you'll complete a course of antibiotics
it's about 50% so we're prepared to look
after an animal twice as well as
ourselves I I I I was I wrote a note the
other day man what does that say on the
back of your
phone the sticker oh choose to shine
very cool my daughter gave me that yeah
I wrote the other day and most of what I
do is I use this Notes app right and I I
wrote the other day
um
um where is it it was on that note I was
like what what's what's my best advice I
need to give myself right now is listen
to my own damn
advice yeah and it followed that up with
uh um where is it
uh yeah trying to live with less gravity
and more backbone is a salty task what's
that mean to you trying to live lighter
with less gravity live lighter not take
certain things so seriously but still
have the principled backbone because as
I'm getting older we get older in the in
in in the black and White's turned to
Gray and then then there's a great word
compromise we all say which is such a
mature thing to do and then all of a
sudden we let things slide and every
when we start going well change will
happen hey change is inevitable let
change Happ and I'm not ready I that's
part of getting old I think not just
getting older same with cynicism it's a
disease of getting too old and I'm not
ready
to I don't want to be ready to give up
certain things that I'm going no man the
beauty of ignorance those things that we
believed in I've gotten away with so
many things because of my ignorance I'm
I'm I'm I'd be dead 14 times in this
life if I wouldn't have been ignorant of
the situation I was in um and
so yeah
I you know not not
knowing or knowing what we know it's uh
uh
anyway yeah it's it's more backbone to
hold on and be principal to what I stand
for what I stand against when it becomes
easier and easier to just go with the
flow and I'm not ready to go let's just
go with the flow I just want to I wantan
to I don't want to pick the wrong
battles I'm trying trying to be
Discerning and not picking the wrong
fights because I like picking fights and
going after challenges but I'm going to
play I'm kind of like man I it's tough
duty to win the fair fights and there's
a lot of unfair fights out there and why
do I want to spend my time if I got 24
hours a day picking unfair fights when
I'm going busted my ass to win the fair
ones well also picking fights with
yourself you know you hinted just there
at the difficulty of a a negative inner
voice you know you take things seriously
you care about what you're doing you
want to achieve things in this world
which means that you need to have high
standards you need to posit an ideal but
as soon as you posit an ideal you then
begin to to compare yourself to that
ideal and often you find yourself
lacking because it's a [ __ ]
ideal I think it's why a lot of
relationships don't work we make her
Wonder Woman and she makes us Superman
and neither one us can live up to it and
that we've got that bulb that honeymoon
bulb turned up to 100 watts and the
honeymoon's over we're trying to deal
with some real just some real Bas stuff
let's leave it at 20 watts we're just
lit but we're not just feverishly you
know superhuman and I think a lot of us
just purport that on someone else and
they can't live up to it ends up not
being fair to them and then they do the
same to us and we both walk away going I
under I
underwhelmed do you know the idea of the
Michelangelo effect you heard of this
awesome so the Michelangelo effect
describes a situation in a relationship
friendship or intimate partnership where
each partner sees the best in the other
and tries to help bring that out so the
sum of the parts is greater than it is
individually the reason I love it is why
it's called the Michelangelo effect so
the block of marble that David was
carved from had been attempted by a
number of other uh sculptors previously
huge monstrous thing if you've ever seen
David in person ginormous people can't
and when you're looking up as well with
that angle on the plint it's even
bigger previous sculptures had attempted
and failed but Michelangelo saw inside
of the marble what was David just needed
to get away all of the things that W I
love that idea yeah yeah I think in life
you want to be finding people that
believe in you more than you believe in
you that hold you to higher standards I
think that's the definition of a good PR
I think that's the definition of a good
of a good partner a good definition of a
good husband wife um you know that they
remind us of the best of ourselves they
shine that light and remind us cuz we do
I know I do it gets I put put the blinds
on it and I don't see it a lot of times
and I'll be
reminded I this is this has always been
a thing for me
um and I don't know how this correlates
but I've never been as good in my dreams
as I am in real
life I never win the day get the girl
Ace the test I can
perform in my dreams I never have never
have as well as
I will in in real
life think I'm the same and I'll get and
I'll be I guess what I'm saying is I'll
be I'll pull something off I'm like did
everyone see
that and my friends are
like no [ __ ] that's that's you bro
what's the biggie you know what I mean
it's kind of what I like about living in
Austin
Texas they're not really imp impressed
with [ __ ] that I pull off they were
thought it was cool I want an oscar but
they were like well no [ __ ]
you know and I was kind like oh all
right yeah yeah thank you
man that's you know and that's what
that's what friends will do in a way
loved ones will do that and be like yeah
there you are again it comes back to
that it's so much easier to be
supportive and gentle of other people
yeah than of ourselves you know you will
happily bestow this sort of gentle
reassuring pat on the shoulder when
somebody succeeds or falls short when
they tried their best right yet given
the fact that you tried your best you
give yourself a kick in the dick on the
way out of the door and a harsh word to
follow you yep what do you think about
when you do
succeed and a lot of people
go nope that's
nothing
I I I I prescribed that I I think we
should take some time to be able to look
in the mirror and own that thing that we
pulled off off and
go good job that's what you wanted
that's what you
got at the same time be able to as we do
more often look in the mirror when we
fail and go HH bogey you not pull that
off you know what I mean but I I mean
it's it's kind of I'm biging the
ownership idea the fail or the or the
gain ownership being really important um
and and I don't I'm I'm a fan of the of
of the ego I wish
people that someone said this to me
before look ah this this this
acquaintance said this and it came off
the cup I didn't think about it she was
like ah somebody Matthew you're so full
of yourself and I without thinking I was
like well who else am I supposed to be
full
of that's a good line and I stopped
after I was like that's exactly what I
meant I went wrote that down I wish more
people were more full of themselves not
in the Arrogant way but I'm talking
about a healthy ego to understand and I
understand ego's difference between I
and me me is the objective but to know
the I wish more people I wish we were
more full of ourselves I wish more
people in the world were more full of
themselves I think part of the
challenges in life is a lot of us are
running around half assing ourselves
half foing ourselves not full of
ourselves not studying oursel enough not
holding oursel to task enough not
patting our own self on the back when we
do get what we want enough not cracking
our own whip on our backside when we do
get out of line even though we knew
better I wish we were more full of
ourselves that way in other news this
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thank you very much for tuning in look
uh we went to a lot of effort to get Mr
mccon here and convert an old barn
that's uh from the 1800s in Texas so I
really hope you enjoyed it I'll see you
next time