The Runner ReCrap

You know, oftentimes I stay awake at night looking up at the ceiling wondering to myself, why have they not made another speed movie? Except for instead of a bomb being on a bus that has to stay over a certain mileage, or a bomb being on a boat that has to stay over a certain mileage, we have the bomb just be no bomb at all, and it's Galadote running her life out to try to get to her kid with diabetes. If we could have this movie, my life would my life would be fully completed. Well, Amazon Prime has heeded my call. Headed headed my call. Head heed take heeded of my call. And they have presented me with a film simply and eloquently titled The Runner. My gal is back. This time trading in the lasso of truth for some laces of truth as she suits up with her Nike shoes and she runs all the way to the end of this film. And you're going to be running for the controller to shut this [ __ ] off before you know it. Because not even 3 minutes into this [ __ ] show, you're going to wonder why Amazon hates you so much that they're willing to put their name on a movie so insultingly bad and not blink a single iota of an of an eye. I already reviewed this cinematic equivalent of Herpes, but today I want to do a full bore spoiler recap. So, without any further poo poo, let's get to it. We open with the hustle and bustle of everyday America. In this case, everyday London. Uh, as people are walking around on their phones. I got stuff to do. I got things to see. Yeah, I told you I needed that delivered to the shop by 3:00, you stupid [ __ ] And there's just stuff going on all over the place. sound effects, noises, and this camera is going 1,000 miles an hour, zooming in, panning out, flying all around. The only place that seems a little less hectic, a little bit more chill is right at Galadote Toe's house. I'm going to say her name differently every time because I was pronouncing it Galgadot because I saw a bunch of interviews and that's how she seemed to say her name, but then I saw other videos where she was saying her name is Galgadote. So, I don't even think she knows how to say her own [ __ ] last name. I'm going to I'm going to switch it up. I'm going to keep her guessing. Gail Gdoni Fontanta is going to waste no time making sure her son has his diabetic pod changed out. That's a thing that that diabetic people have. I guess it's like a pod or a pack or something. They just hook it to their back and it recharges them like a like a Duracell battery. And right after this little scene, a little heart to fart, it's time to run. She kisses her little child on the forehead. He scampers off to school. Goodbye, little [ __ ] And now it's time for me to take to the road. Actually, the song that is playing is Heart of Glass. Remember that song? It's a heart of glass. You can kiss my assault running and it's she's jogging and she picks up her pace pante as this douchebag in a stupid red vest goes by her a little quick. SO SHE TAKES OFF. She's powers up like Sonic the Hedgehog, collecting the rings as she goes right by him. really setting the tone about how awesome she is at running, which is very fortunate because that's exactly what she's going to need to do for the next hour. After she beats this douchebag, it doesn't take long before she gets a call on her phone. I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never going to get Hello, this is Gal. I mean, what's my name? Check script. Maya here. Hello, governor. This is bad guy. I have your child, Governor. No, NOT CHILD. GIVE ME BACK MY SON. HE GIVES HER A SPECIFIC SET of rules. Number one, she is no longer able to stand still. She has to always be running. Number B, she cannot get into a vehicle. And number Roman numeral tray, she needs to go to a hotel in 1 hour's time and assassinate the prime minister of Malaysia. No, the that's the plot of Zoolander. She needs to assassinate a key witness, her witness, because she's a high-powered attorney, so he doesn't take to the stand and testify against British guy's employer or something. We don't actually know who he's testifying against. Maybe that was the 20 minutes that was chopped out of this movie since it's only an hour and 17 minutes long. In either case, it's time to take to the feet. And right off the jump, her first obstacle approaches. A gaggle of ladies. She starts running at him. Runner vision activated. She scopes out a bench, jumps on top of it. D. elbows one of the ladies in the face, hops over another one's body, picks up the body, bowls it at the other girls, they go over like pins, she laughs at him, takes up again. Okay, none of that happened except for jumping on the bench. She just hopped on the bench and then ran by him and hopped down on the other side. It was incredibly antilimactic, but they made it look like such a [ __ ] feat of strength. It was at this point I was already asking the question I don't think the movie wants you to ask. Why? Why the rules? Why does she need to not stop running or the kid dies? The bad guy has placed a bag for her to retrieve from a garbage bin. It contains a gun. She needs to use the gun to go to the hotel and put a couple bullets in the head of this witness. So why does he give a [ __ ] how she gets there? He's tracking her on the phone and he can listen to what she's doing through the headset. She can't hop in an Uber and go there and get this done. Tot sweet. No, apparently not. Apparently uh uh she needs to do this on foot. Like he's he's testing her or he's punishing her, but we don't know the reasons why to any of this. It's just good writing. We do get a couple shots of this guy. It's always just like close-ups of the computer and and him typing away and harnessing the power of the internet. He's able to find out information about Maya, what makes her tick, what gets under her badassess. And these things are going to be what he uses to leverage his power against her. Technology. Gross. Around the 30 minute mark, she's hit by a car. It's delightful because I thought the film was going to end. I mean, [ __ ] she broke the rules, right? Stop moving. Stop living. Also, technically, she got a ride from a car for a couple seconds before she flew onto the pavement. Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This didn't count. I guess this didn't break the rules. She's also put into the back of an ambulance, so she really is getting a ride in a car. She's around some sort of kind of authority figures. You know, she was hit by a [ __ ] vehicle. But no, I guess that's not a problem he needs to worry about either. She unhooks everything. I NEED TO RUN. I NEED TO RUN. THAT'S VERBATIM WHAT SHE KEEPS SAYING. I NEED TO RUN. SHE JUMPS OUT OF THE VEHICLE, rolls on the ground, takes a couple tumbles, gets back up, and the bad guy is just like, "Yeah, I mean, that's fair. That's that's more than fair, actually. That's earned. Also, your son's down to 30% in terms of health. Uh, his diabetes is really taking a number on him. He doesn't have a shot. This leads her to hop onto a subway. Well, she's on a subway train. That's got to be GAME OVER, RIGHT? WRONG. RULES are made to be broken. She walks up to some nerd with glasses on. Nerd. And she hands him a phone. Now, I assume she gave him a message because he looks at her like, "Duh, what do I do with phone? No phone." And she just kind of she's like and he's like, "What are you doing?" I'm w This is winking, right? This is wink. I'm acting. She starts to get off the train. And that's when it hits her that her radio signal from the guy is breaking up. It's getting all fabricy. It's all getting all salty. And that's when she looks over and sees two hoodlums in the train that she just got out of holding up her phone. They pickpocketed her. Classic. These guys should be in the next Assassin's Creed video game. She They just played her ass. The train starts to leave. That's the sound a train makes. Uh, what do I do? What do I do? [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] Oh, I know. Runner vision engage. She takes off running full sprint, hopping over people. dodging stuff, going upstairs, going completely out of her way of a straight line. Like she's running through buildings and [ __ ] She's going through a cafe, as stupid people say it. She goes through a cafe. That train is long gone. It's going like 20 miles an hour. Unfortunately for the train, Galadote's going like 500 miles an hour. Snaps a neck, throws an elbow. Anything that's in her way is dead. Takes a bike, throws it through 85 people. She's basically any character from Invincible, the TV show. It's just blood all over her by the time she catches up to that thing and catches up to that thing she does. I'm running as hot as Galador right now. She falls into the train at the next stop. Just boom, hits the ground. She was running her heart out. Another day at the races. She walks over to the hoodlums. Hey, weren't you off at the I If you're here, then who's she [ __ ] slaps the guy in the face. Phone flies into the air. She grabs it with a noo look scope. She doesn't that that's not what happens. She just gets the phone back. She's like, "You have no idea what you just [ __ ] did." This alerts the security that for some reason wasn't alerted when her phone was taken. Nice job. Nice job, officer. He walks over to her and he's like, "Whoa, it's a super skinny chick. I better be careful. She has nothing on her. She's just standing there scared. I know. I'll hold this pole tight and tell the driver to HIT THE BRAKES." WHAT? THIS GIVES HER THE PERFECT opportune to hop off the back of the train and hight tail it out of there. And opportune is, of course, short for opportunity. This takes her to a couple different places where she's inevitably going to hide out in a church, as one does. She talks to a priest who has some sage advice as they always do. And upon fast forwarding through this a second time because there's no way I was re-watching this movie just to regain my knowledge. Um I I I did lock in I honed in on a specific phrase that she had. I did write it down. Here's the verbatim quote. There is more blood in the human body than you can fathom. She says that to this random stranger, man of the cloth. I I don't know unclear as to why. What an odd thing to say. I assume because she fell a couple times and got some scrapes and bruises and she's like, "Man, I might have been bleeding out over here. GIVE ME BACK MY SON." NOW THAT SHE'S BEEN RUN OVER BY a car, taken a little ride in an ambulance where she threw herself out, hopped on a train, got off the train, ran after the train, got back on the train, took a break, a little siesta at a church. She has basically broken the rules more than she's followed them. The bad guy says, "This is all still fine." Kind of starting to think these rules are [ __ ] I don't even know why the rules were necessary. Oh, I do know why they were necessary. Otherwise, this movie would have been done in five [ __ ] minutes. Anyway, she's going to eventually grab a bucket hat for a disguise. Mission accomplished. No one's going to see the super tall Amazonianesque statue of a woman because she has a bucket hat on. She goes to a bridge in London. It's not the London Bridge, I was told. I said it was the London Bridge. It's not. I'm not a man of the world. Okay. I'm not a a worldly traveler. I'm an uncultured swine. So, I didn't know. I didn't know. It's a different bridge, apparently. Some sort of a suspension bridge that boats can go under. I should know this because a boat goes under it. She's cornered by the local authorities. This time she draws a gun. Bold move. Um, so she's surrounded now. She has a gun pointing at the public, but this is where runner vision kicks in again. She does a scan of the entire island and she senses that there's a boat traveling underneath this bridge and that gives her the perfect opportunity to vertical limit Chris O'Donnell jump off the side and land perfectly Parker Posey onto the ship. That was hundreds of feet down. Did she break a leg in spirit? Not physically. She's perfectly fine. She not only walks it off, she runs it off. And she's going to hoof it to the end of the film into the hotel where everyone seems a little different than you would expect. When a when a woman runs in, the the the bell hops, the people are a little bit like, "Hey, how's it going? Where are you headed? Huh? Where you going up there? you going up there to do something? They're in on it. She presses the buttons on the elevator. Beep, which is it's just one. And she's going to make her way to room 5916. Using the bullets that were placed in the elevator by the staff, she's going to load her gun with blanks, kick in the door to her witness. Hey, how's it going? I was thinking maybe after this we could go out to And the villain sees it all on camera from just a floor or two higher because he's been in the hotel the entire time begging the question. He had to do all this to kill the guy. telling me this [ __ ] dude was in disguise in the hotel the entire time and his brilliant idea is to kidnap the attorney's kid, hatch up this cockami scheme where she's going to run across the city in under an hour, grab a backpack with a gun that he planted, go into the hotel room and SHOOT HER WITNESS. WHAT? HE COULDN'T HAVE JUST, I DON'T KNOW, put a bomb in his hotel room, made sure he was in there, and blow the place up. Oh, wait. That was his backup plan. He had a bomb with him, like a comical cartoonish Acme TNT bomb that he never used, even though he said that was his fail safe. But because Gal figured out what he was up to, she informed everyone of what to do next. You see, earlier when I said she handed that nerd on the subway train a phone, it had a message on it to contact the authorities, tell them what's going on in the amount of words that she could type per minute, which is criminally low. might want to get some things checked there mentally. But then she also took some lipstick and wrote out a message on a window later at like a restaurant giving more details for those people to call the hotel and let them know what they should do, which is tell the witness he's about to be shot with blanks. Put on a bunch of squibs so that blood packets pop out when she takes the shot. Give her the blanks in the elevator, which she gladly popped into the gun. And bada bing, bada bang, bada boom, bada penis. The villain is hoodwinkedked. And that's exactly what happened. Captain, she reunites with her son. And it feels so good. They walk down into the lobby where the cops are like, "We're hoping the kid can ID the guy." Galot says, "I don't think he can do such thing, officer. He don't remember him." But the boy does. Looking off yonder outside, a paramedic sticks out like a sore dick. The boy instantly wets himself, which made me think, wait a second, that's the same exact ending as Ransom, where Mel Gibson's kid pees his pants when he sees the villain disguised AS A COP. WOW, THAT'S ORIGINAL. And then I remembered, oh yeah, this script was made with AI, so it probably just straight up ripped off Ransom and a couple other key ingredients from films of that ilk. And that's when Galgadoit walks up to the window, smirks in her trademark patented smirk, and the villain starts to piece it together. Wait, Governor, my plan did not work after all. And then he sees that the witness is still very much alive, like the most alive creature that's ever lived before. And he can't help but be impressed with the attorney. Could he blow up the place? Probably not. I think the bomb was maybe never never real to begin with. It was just a ruse. It was just a decoy. Or maybe it was and he was just too stupid to figure out how to turn it on. In either case, the timu bomb did not explode. And instead, what he does is simply tip the hat at Mrs. Gdate and say, "Well played. Well played." With his eyes. I don't think he says anything out loud, but she knew what he meant. And then he's handcuffed and taken away. And the film mercifully ends with our lead heroine and her Sunny Boy Jr. Skippy Mop sitting in the car being taken away from the crime scene. And we see a phone call come in from an unknown number. She looks at it and tosses that [ __ ] out the window because she's not putting up with no unknown man. And she's certainly not putting up with technology, which is the real message of this film. Technology is evil. Stay off your phones and maybe try running for a change because if you did, you can make real change. You can hop on benches like a gazelle. You can jump off the side of freaking bridges like a white-winged dove just like a No, we're not going to do it. As much as I want to, we're not going to. It's not the time or the place. You can become a Wonder Woman. I suppose maybe Galadote will play that in the future. Who knows? I'm not holding my breath. All right, there you have it. The Runner. What an experience. Only on Amazon Prime. It's only where it should be, of course. Let me know your thoughts if you saw the movie, if you enjoyed my review, and you're double dipping on the rec crap. I know I did. 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