Video summary
Many people believe that being hard on themselves is essential for maintaining their drive, motivation, and success, fearing that stopping this self-criticism will cause them to lose their edge. However, the video argues that this judgmental voice often transforms what should be a blessing into a burden, turning productivity and growth into sources of stress rather than fulfillment. The core issue is that while this harsh inner critic helped individuals survive and achieve in the past, it no longer serves a necessary function in adulthood. Instead of viewing this voice as a source of strength, the speaker suggests recognizing it as an outdated survival mechanism that needs to be understood and eventually quieted to make room for genuine self-compassion.
The origin of this relentless inner critic is frequently traced back to early childhood experiences with primary male role models, such as fathers, uncles, or coaches. In many cases, children learned that they would only receive love, attention, or praise if they were perfect and did exactly what was expected; mistakes led to punishment or being ignored. To survive emotionally during those formative years, children had to suppress their own needs and feelings to please these caregivers, effectively internalizing a blueprint of judgment and perfectionism. As adults, this mental pattern continues to operate automatically, creating a carbon copy of the past voice that now belongs to the individual but still demands rigid adherence to high standards without allowing for rest or error.
To overcome this, the video proposes strengthening a more powerful inner voice based on love, wisdom, and self-compassion rather than fear and criticism. The speaker emphasizes that while the critic is strong, it can be outgrown by building mental muscles of resilience and understanding, similar to physical training. True confidence and attractiveness come from accepting oneself fully, including past mistakes and human flaws, which opens up new opportunities and improves relationships. The process involves acknowledging where these patterns came from without self-judgment, creating space for fresh perspectives, and actively choosing to treat oneself with the same kindness one would offer a friend. By recognizing that the critic is not wise but rather short-sighted, individuals can replace it with a guidance system that considers long-term well-being and allows them to rest when needed without guilt.
Read the full video transcript
You may believe that for good reason,
man, that if you stop being hard on
yourself, you're going to lose your
edge. You're going to lose your drive.
You're going to lose your motivation.
This judgmental, rigid voice that you've
become so accustomed to and so familiar
with is the reason that you've gotten so
far.
Who would you be? And how would you get
anything done if it wasn't for this
voice? Right? So, we're going to talk
about what this inner critic is, where
it came from, what you can do about it,
and why this is really the answer to why
you're so hard on yourself. So, let's
let's go through a few things most
likely about you. Pretty easy stuff that
you most likely have pretty high
standards in business, in your life. You
want to live a a fulfilling life and
whatever that means for you, right? You
want to get things done. you have fun
and literally enjoy being productive.
Being productive is fun for you. Same
for me. I don't want to sit around and
just do nothing all day. That's not
relaxing to me. Relaxing to me is
actually doing things. It's building.
It's creating. It's expressing. It's
putting an imprint on the earth that's
like, man, I I was here. I did my thing
and I lived life to the fullest. That's
really awesome. Now the trouble here is
when your on switch is on all the time
that there is no off. So all of these
good things about achievement and
productivity and and growing your
business and growing your life and
learning more things this becomes a
burden rather than a blessing.
These things become a burden rather than
a blessing.
And that's the hard part. What we're so
hard on ourselves because it's gotten us
so far.
And without it, who am I? Who am I? If I
I'm not motivated, if I'm not
productive, if I don't have this harsh
voice, then how the heck can I get
anything done?
And what you soon realize is that there
is another voice that is more powerful
than the harshness, that is more
powerful than the pointing finger.
And I know it's going to sound cheesy
for you. You ready for it? It's in every
movie. It's in every book. It's in every
hero's journey story. It's in scripture.
And that's love. I know it's hard to
hear. It's hard to hear, but you will
get way more done if you love yourself
and love the world rather than if you
hate yourself and hate the world. Hard
on yourself and critical? Yes. Love
yourself as well? Yes. I want to
strengthen this one. I want to
strengthen this one. And in order to
strengthen this one, we have to see
where this critic came from. And a lot
of the time, we have to travel back. And
I want you to think about the first role
model you had, male role model. The
first male role model you had. Was it
your dad? Was it your uncle? Was it a
coach? Was it a family member? A friend,
a brother, an older brother?
Chances are, if you have a high degree
of inner criticism, chances are, and if
this doesn't fit you, you can shut this
off. Or if this is honestly difficult to
hear, take some space for yourself.
Okay. A lot of the time our first role
models, our first male role models were
the ones that maybe we felt judged by.
Maybe we felt like we had to prove
ourself to that man. Maybe we felt like
no matter what we did, we didn't get
enough attention from this man. And that
in order to be praised, we had to be
perfect. In order to get attention, we
had to do the right thing. If we didn't
do the right thing and if we didn't do
it well, we would be punished and we
would be ignored.
Okay, so I'm going to I'm going to just
say that one more time. If you if you
think about the first male role model he
had, did you check any of those boxes
there?
Okay, this isn't a diagnosis. I'm not
labeling you with anything. We're
talking about what it's like to be a
person in the world and grow up with a
family. That's it. That's it. The one of
the reasons I hate clinical psychology
in a way and therapy for men too is we
could spend years digging through this
one.
But in for the for the sake of this
video, just become aware and don't hate
yourself for this awareness. Be happy
about it. Be happy that okay, Scott said
something here in this video and I think
that rang true for me. Cool.
So we get almost like a carbon copy
like a a a real footprint, a mental
image that kind of sets itself in there
a little bit. Although the brain is very
plastic, can shift and move and grow and
and turn on and turn off and we can
create new neural pathways and
everything. But for our first few years
of life, my gosh, the the impact our
caregivers have on us is is huge. And it
has to because in order to survive, we
need to depend on these people with our
whole lives.
And even if we have needs of our own, we
need to uh betray ourselves
just a little bit because okay, well, it
doesn't matter what my what I want or
how I feel. They're the ones who are
taking care of me. So, I'm going to give
them what they want in order to be
loved, accepted.
No matter how you felt, it didn't really
matter.
So, I want you to think about
how you were treated as a child, how you
were maybe perceived in the family.
Were you noticed even if you weren't
perfect? Was making a mistake okay, or
were you punished?
Did you feel like you were being judged?
And if you didn't do the right thing or
the thing that you were expected to do,
maybe you w didn't feel respected or
seen. Okay. Now, you take this carbon
copy and everything you learned from
childhood up in the brain here and you
take it to adulthood.
You take it from then all the way until
you were 10 and 15 and 20 and 25 and
maybe you're 30 now, 35, 40, 45, 50. And
that perfectionism,
that that drive to prove something, that
drive to always do the right thing, that
drive to always accomplish, that drive
and motivation to always stay on course.
And if you veer off a little, well,
maybe it's not your uncle or your dad's
voice only in your head now. The tone is
maybe different. the voice is yours, but
the pattern's the same
that there's that blueprint that was
there from them, but now you've kind of
taken over a little bit. And it's funny,
when you get older, everybody tries not
to be like some person that they know
because they set a terrible example.
And sometimes we're we're hardwired to
go the wrong way. So, we have to fight
kind of this this um attraction
to call it sin, call it just going the
wrong way. We're all attracted to that.
And it seems pretty inviting, too. The
devil's like, "Come on, it's cold
outside. Come on, it's warm." And
being hard on yourself worked for so
long and it kept you alive and helped
you survive. And now, what's it really
doing? That pattern and that voice
that's been there since the beginning
was a survival mechanism. It was your
dad, your uncle, some male role model
who was pushing you to do the right
thing, pushing you to stay on course,
pushing you and only when you succeeded,
only when you were the best, then you
got attention.
Do you need that now?
Think about it. Um, think about it. Do
you need that voice now that doesn't let
you make mistakes because that's you
now? You've taken over. You've you've
created the override for that voice that
your dad's not in your ear all the time
now or your uncle or your coach or now
you're there.
The signals kind of got crossed. It's a
bit of you. It's a bit of them. It's a
bit of learned behavior, right? And now
we can ask ourselves and open up the
window a little bit, let some fresh air
in, and you can say, "Okay, do I need
that? I'm an adult. Can't can't I make
mistakes now? I can learn from them on
my own. I'm allowed to accept myself as
I am now.
I'm not just that kid."
And that inner critic is the survive
childhood survival mechanism. It
survived for survival. It's lasted this
long because it helped us survive and
you don't need it anymore. Now, easier
said than done. If if we didn't need it
anymore, we could just say, "Okay, I'm
done. Great. I'm going to think happy
thoughts." No. It's like we're out of
shape here. The critic is much stronger
than this. The hate is a much stronger
than the love. The critic is much
stronger than compassion. And just like
if we had weak muscles and we want to
get them stronger, you don't go to the
gym, you don't set that New Year's
resolution and like everybody, you're in
there for a week and you're like, I
don't see results and then you quit. No.
Same as building this mental muscle of
resilience, of compassion, of
understanding for yourself to see what
you are like without the criticism. And
this is scary for a lot of men, which is
why 99% of them don't go through with it
because it's scary to see who you would
be if you weren't so hard on yourself.
What would happen?
What would really happen? And I promise
you, only good things. But good things
that aren't familiar to you are pretty
scary.
Like the world opens up. People see you
as this compassionate person.
relationships and opportunities just
wide open. People can sense your
kindness. And it's not just kindness in
a soft sense. No, it's it's
responsibility. It's the ability to be
rigid and to have structure and to do
all of these things that you used to do,
but when you're ready for a rest, you
can give yourself that. When you don't
know what you need,
you can give yourself the time to to
really think about it. When you're
completely exhausted, you don't feel
guilty to carve out some time just for
you. That's the difference. That's the
difference. See, beating yourself up. My
gosh, guys, doing physical stuff is easy
in life. I'm sorry. If you're
able-bodied, you can train for a
marathon. You know, you can you can
bench press 250, just go to the gym and
blah blah blah. The hardest thing for me
wasn't all of that. It was the mental
gymnastics.
As someone who's dealt with depression
and anxiety, I can assure you depression
is the hardest thing that I've ever gone
through in my entire life. That's
regardless of all physical injuries I've
had.
It is the hardest thing I've ever had to
go through.
Okay? So to think that this is just some
easy thing that you can watch a few
YouTube videos and be cured. I want you
to ask yourself how many videos you've
watched on this thing and how how has it
gotten better? Have you really given it
a good shot? Have you really given it
your all? Because someone who is who is
so focused and has high standards and
goals and likes to be productive, I
thought you could give this a really
good shot. You're the perfect candidate
to be able to calm and quiet this critic
down and strengthen this loving,
compassionate voice.
Because you know who doesn't like
someone who's very critical of the world
and themselves?
Women. They hate that. People like to
see people who like themselves. That's
very attractive. That's what confidence
is. It's the ability to be with all that
you are, all that you've been through,
to not hate yourself for these things.
Think about any of your role models. Any
of your role models. Do they hate
themselves?
No. No. Not the good ones. The people
that you admire most likely hold themsel
with a sense of confidence and high
self-worth. They get a lot done. They
are productive, but they genuinely would
buy themselves a beer at the bar.
They like themselves and they can hold
and have the capacity
to
reconcile and even to the to the highest
point forgive the mistakes that they've
made
every time they messed up when they've
fallen short, the people that they've
hurt. They recognize their humanity
throughout their lifetime. And I wonder
if you have the ability to do that. I
don't wonder. I know you can.
But it takes time for you to carve out
space and recognize what this critic is
doing in your life and where it came
from. We touched on a few things there
and how we can strengthen this
compassionate
guided inner
um inner guidance system that we have
inside of us. This is wisdom. The critic
is not wise. The critic can just see 20
minutes ahead, one day ahead. Wisdom
shows us the long term and what our
strengths are. Okay. So the exercise for
today and what you did was get a piece
of paper and think about who your role
models were, your first male role
models, and just ponder. Go for a walk
and just ponder and don't judge and
don't get don't get tripped up about it.
This isn't diagnosing you. We're not
going that deep here, but just as a
scientist, right? You're looking at the
petri dish dish of your past and you're
like, "Oh yeah, oh man, that was pretty
that was a judgmental time there and oh
man, that person really made me feel
shame." Yes. And I really wanted to
impress that person in my past there,
too. Oh, I can see how maybe that can
linger and stay around a little while.
Simple. Look at that. Like do that
exercise. Okay. And then what you want
to do is you want to go into the
description here, description of this
video, and download the inner critic
guide that I have. All right? It's only
a few pages long, and it has, you know,
the difference between the inner critic
and the self-compassion, the
self-criticism and inner guidance. All
right? So, you want to see the
difference of these things. And then you
want to create space. So once this gets
quiet, the inner critic, you want to
create space for what? For the
compassion, for your strength, for
things that are that are good for you.
So this is the one side that quiets. But
you know, right when you lose something
like this, well, there's a hole. You got
to fill it with something. Let's fill it
with something good, right? So, the
audio exercise is in the description as
well as the PDF to read through
read through this this PDF that reminds
you that you're not alone in this stuff,
man. You're not alone in this stuff. If
you're a scientific dude, this has been
studied for years and years and years,
decades and decades. And if you ask me
and you ask anybody on the street who
your worst enemy is, everybody will say
themselves, "Yeah, it's me, man. I look
in front of the mirror and I, oh my
gosh, I can I can talk to this guy
all day." Right? So, learn about this
stuff. Create space for this. And I'll
send you a few follow-up emails to see
how you're doing with the guide. And
I'll see you again on YouTube very soon.
Great meeting you. Hope to meet you
soon. Bye-bye.