Video summary
The video addresses several complex relationship dynamics through direct answers to viewer questions regarding sexual compatibility, desire discrepancies, and ethical boundaries. The host begins by tackling the fear of introducing new sexual experiences that might challenge one's identity as a heterosexual man; he advises focusing on how a partner reacts to novelty rather than assuming incompatibility based solely on their initial hesitation. He suggests using media or hypothetical scenarios to gauge reactions before making direct requests, emphasizing slow progression and respecting personal limits while maintaining open communication about desires without placing immediate pressure on the other person.
A significant portion of the discussion focuses on situations where one partner loses sexual desire after childbirth or experiences erectile dysfunction due to physiological blocks rather than a lack of motivation. The host stresses that these issues are often medical in nature, requiring professional examination and patience from both partners, and explicitly tells women feeling guilty about low postpartum libido that they do not need to force themselves back into function immediately. He reframes the narrative around marriage becoming stagnant due to sexual roles shifting over time, arguing that acknowledging a disconnect between desire and arousal is crucial for healing rather than blaming oneself or one's partner for failing to meet unrealistic expectations of constant performance.
The transcript also covers scenarios involving infidelity in situationships and societal pressure toward non-monogamy within gay communities. In cases where an ex-partner continues to act as if nothing happened after cheating, the host argues that staying close is only possible because the betrayed party allows it; he encourages individuals to demand honesty about past actions and refuse to normalize deception even when trying to salvage a friendship or connection. Similarly, regarding monogamy versus open relationships, the speaker dismisses societal norms as "nonsense" and validates choosing exclusivity based on personal values rather than community trends, urging partners to own their boundaries firmly without feeling guilty for prioritizing emotional safety over conforming to external lifestyles.
Ultimately, the core message is that healthy relationships require honest conversations about what each person truly needs, whether it involves medical interventions for arousal issues, accepting temporary changes in desire after life events like childbirth, or setting firm limits on sexual openness and fidelity. The host concludes by encouraging viewers to ground themselves in their own sense of self-worth before entering these dialogues, ensuring that they can offer the best version of themselves to a partner rather than compromising their integrity for fear of conflict or judgment from others who may hold different views on sexuality and commitment.
Read the full video transcript
So, you want to introduce your
girlfriend to anal play, not on her, on
you. You're a heterosexual man who feels
like she may respond in a way that
challenges your heterosexuality.
And so, you're wondering, how do you
bring this topic up?
Woof. If I had a piece of this video and
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booty for 10% off. Hi, I'm Shamboo. I'm
a sex and relationship educator. And
today,
enter that in editor. Today I am going
to be answering your most private,
uncomfortable, taboo, secretive
questions about your sex life and your
relationships. I've been faking orgasms
for 2 years. [music] I want to stop, but
I don't know how to come clean without
completely destroying his ego.
You're going to have to keep faking it
for a little bit more. Hear me out,
okay? Hear me out. It's much easier to
tell someone, you know what, I used to
fake orgasms. What then? No, no, we
changed it. We switched it up. I don't
do it anymore. But yeah, there was a
time that I I really felt afraid of
telling you how I felt and you know,
fear of hurting your feelings. You know,
we figured it out naturally. But no,
like yeah, that to me is a better
conversation to have than nothing that
you have done has been working
at all. So here's what you're going to
do. You're going to say it out loud. I
am not orgasming in this relationship
and that's not okay. I want to change
that. You're going to say self, am I
able to reliably orgasm by myself? And
if the answer is yes, then you are going
to just apply whatever it is that you do
in that session into your partnered
session. Voila, fixed it. Could take
some time, but that's just basically it.
You already know what works. You just
need to change it. Now, context does
matter. Just like skiing on snow is not
the same as going down that same hill
when there is grass. I get that. But
what I am telling you is that if you
have that north star to move towards, at
least you know if I duplicate this to a
tea, we'll get there. That might take
some steps because you again have to
reorient someone, but nonetheless, you
good. And if you don't orgasm, well,
expecting to orgasm with a person is
probably an unrealistic expectation and
it's also one that you should take to
the doctors. Ask them what may be
happening with your body. Not a large
percentage of women actually do suffer
from an orgasmia. So there might be a
different solution at play for you. All
in all, either way, yeah, just you
figure it out. You figure out what you
need to get to that level. Then you take
that information and then you try to
find ways to apply it to your
relationship. You start smooth with, "I
had a dream about last night." They say,
"What?" Then you bring up a scenario
that allows you to bring your vibrator
into the bedroom. Whatever is clever.
All I'm saying is that you can take the
method of slowly bringing in the things
that you need to get the end result that
you want as long as you know from the
top what you actually want, what you
really, really want. Question two, my
husband never initiates sex anymore like
ever. I always have to be the one. Is
this a red flag or is this just what
marriage becomes? Yes, this is
absolutely a red flag and it absolutely
does not have to be what marriage
becomes. But what you have to do in
order to get to that end result is have
a super awkward conversation around the
[music] sexual response cycle.
Especially when it comes to men, because
for their entire life, so much of their
value and their right to heterosexuality
or masculinity [music]
was tied to how dominant and masculine
they could be. And having a working
appendage when you are characterized by
your desire for this appendage not work
anymore is really challenging and very
awkward, very hard for people to admit
and they would much rather destroy other
parts of their life in order to deny
that reality. That's just how much
weight can be on that. So I don't say
delicately have an awkward conversation.
I say that in context of knowing how
sensitive it can be. But you have to
figure out whether that's with yourself
or with your partner, okay, what's
actually happening? Is this an arousal
issue or is this a desire issue? If it's
an arousal issue, that means maybe your
partner really does want to have sex
with you, but their physiology is
disallowing their body from actually
responding to that mental impulse.
There's some kind of blockage there, and
so there's not a reliable relationship
between the two. That's a medical
examination. That's something to talk
about with a doctor. Might be hormonal
panel. It could be something else. It
could be a constriction of certain
veins. But nonetheless, when you have
that disconnect between desire and
arousal, you know that is more of a
biology question than a motivation
question. Now, if it's the other way
around and somebody experiences a lot of
arousal, but there is no genuine desire,
maybe that's because you're not in a
great place in your relationship or they
just don't necessarily feel compelled to
do that right now for any reason. Their
body may still be responding. The
easiest example of this is when you know
a young boy is experiencing erections in
the wrong direction at the complete
wrong time when there was no real reason
it should happen. You know spontaneous
desire does happen and when it does if
the mind doesn't want to do it that's
where you'll also get into conflict. So
you've got to figure out what's
happening with your partner. If it's
desire, it may have something to do with
the connection in the relationship,
which is a great starting point to say,
"Let's start this again." Esther Pel
says that many people will have multiple
long-term lovers in their lives, but
some of us will have that with the same
person, and that essentially means when
you're open to getting to know things
that you didn't know about that other
person before, and [music] that doesn't
offend you or rock your sense of
security. I cannot remember what I was
saying. Long story short, [music] this
doesn't have to be what marriage
becomes, but it does have to be the end
of your perception [music]
around whatever your sexual roles are
within that marriage. Because that's the
reason why there's no flow happening
because something has shifted again with
the mind or with the body where it's
created a disconnect [music] that if you
don't necessarily have language or a
culture of talking about just compounds
over years until those paths are so
solidly in different directions it's
hard to find your way back.
Once again, I've lost my train of
thought. So yes, your husband not
wanting to initiate sex anymore is a
problem. What kind of problem? I'm
[music] hoping that you can come back
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So, you want to introduce your
girlfriend to anal play, not on her, on
you. You're a heterosexual man who feels
[music] like she may respond in a way
that challenges your heterosexuality,
and so you're wondering, "How do you
bring this topic [music] up?"
Woof. If I had a piece of cheddar and
then some pepper jelly and a cracker for
every time I got that question, I'd be
[music] very happy and wellfed. You got
to figure out the compatibility question
underneath this question cuz that's one
we often miss. It's not necessarily
about what somebody will or won't do.
It's how do they respond to the [music]
unknown?
How do they react in the face of
opportunity or danger?
So that I think is more what we're
trying to get at. Now don't get me
wrong, sex is probably a pretty hard
test to put anybody through. Someone can
be completely open in many areas of
life, but because of how much shame and
[ __ ] and ick and taboo we have piled on
top of this topic, I'm not saying it's
always the best, most reliable
compatible test, but it is an
opportunity to explore more. What I mean
by that is you can hedge the person for
a reaction, right? just choose to watch
a movie. Chris Rock had a movie where
anal sex was explored and it's probably
not the best if you know the movie
that's probably not the best description
of this movie where anal play was
explored to some extent. Maybe you go
and watch that movie or pop it on in
front of your partner and see how they
react to that part and that part is
actually pretty close to the end. So you
can then just naturally roll over and
then be like, "Yeah, have you ever had a
dude before that tell you he was into
anal play?" like a boyfriend or like
straight dude and then see what her
reaction is. If she makes fun of it,
belittles it, gof it, icks it, then you
don't have to necessarily decide whether
or not to tell her that that's your
interest. You should go home and decide
whether or not this is someone that you
want to have a connection with.
Especially if you're the kind of man who
is heterosexual and masculine
identifying and feels confident in his
body enough to say, "Let me explore."
Which is how you got to the knowledge
that you like it. If that's kind of
person that you are who's like, "Damn,
yeah, there's a lot that could go wrong
back there, but I'm only alive once, so
bring it on."
If that's the kind of person you are, I
would assume naturally that your value
system might align with that in a whole
bunch of other areas. And then if the
person responded really good and, you
know, made some like, you know, pretty
interesting comments, you can either
choose to say at that point naturally
like, "Oh, you know what's crazy? I'm
like I was actually kind of nervous to
bring this up to you. Um but I I
actually do enjoy that. So I'm I'm like
happy to hear that. That's something
that you know you also applaud. You
don't have to ask in that moment, can we
start immediately, but you could just
say that's oh that's good to know. I
would love that actually. Huh. Then if
the other person feels some type of
conflict around it, you're not going to
feel it or see it because you didn't put
them on the spot to react right now and
to affirm what they just said that they
would hypothetically do. You're given
that opportunity. And then you also have
an opportunity for you to just have a
moment to say, "Okay, next step." And
next step is a, you know, it's go slow,
right?
Most of us don't have a helicopter to
get to the top of the hill. We got to
take stages and breaks, some detours. We
have to get something to eat. It takes a
while. The destination is clear. We're
going to get there. But I actually think
we'll have a better time if we just slow
it down. And there is a very big gap
between
the orphice of the anus or the entrance
and pegging.
Play in that gap. My husband and I had a
great sex life until our second kid. My
desire is just gone. He's being patient,
but I can feel that wearing on him. I
don't know how to fix my body or get my
desire back. And now I feel so guilty.
Man, it's like two questions that are
happening here. One, is it okay? And
two, I'm actually going to be honest. I
know that this is thing I'm going to do
whether you say it's okay or not okay.
So, is it okay if I feel guilty? which
just is important to note because that's
just the resolve. This is so important
to you that someone that for all the
motivation in the world on the other
side like it's that's so there like my
actual biggest sadness in speaking on
behalf of you is that I can't be the
partner that I want this person that I
love and care about so much to get to
experience. Like that's how much you you
care. And so I just want to honor that
and say
no, you don't have to feel guilty. Guilt
is when you wish you did something
different, right? You're guilty. Oh, I
wish I could have done something
different. There's nothing different
that you can do.
Okay? You don't have to heal. You don't
have to be ready. You don't have to be
reliable right now. You just made life
twice.
We are all here because of you. Thank
you. That's so beautiful. That's so
selfless. So sacrificing. You just made
life twice and you're still alive. Well,
statistically, you're supposed to be out
of here. You got to duplicate yourself
and live to experience that and we get
to experience you. Amazing.
Okay. Oh, yeah. Don't worry about
getting back to work. Don't worry about
satisfying other people. You just you
just saved us, the species.
You just saved us.
We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for
what you just did. So, I don't expect
anything more of you. I don't need you
to be anything different. You don't have
to provide anything back. The joy that
you have offered me right now is enough.
All I want to do is see you rest and
heal and love and grow. And I can't wait
when you come out of this, which
postpartum I heard can be like four
years, maybe even seven.
I can't wait to see when you come out of
this and you feel ready to create again,
whatever that is, life or art, whatever.
I can't wait to see you there and be
alongside of you.
Like that's the that's the permission
you should give yourself. That's how you
should think that people should view
you. I'm pretty sure that's how your
husband views you from how you just
described this. So the only thing that
you have to do is exhale and say, "I am
who I am, and that's the best that I can
ever be.
I was in a situationship for 9 months
and thought we were on the same page
about transparency and sexual safety.
After we ended things, I found out that
he slept with seven different people
while we were together and never told
me. Now he wants to stay close and act
like nothing happened. Why would someone
do this? There's only one question
listed here. Why would someone do this?
But the real question should also be now
why does he just stay and hang around me
after he's done this and think it's
fine. Well, he stays and hangs around
you like it's fine because you let him
stay and hang around you. So, he assumes
it's fine.
Okay. Somebody betrays you. They lied to
you. They put your health in jeopardy.
They show no trust for you as an adult
to make sound decisions. You're already
in an unconventional relationship. Okay.
I said my situationship. I already knew
what it was. And yet, despite that and
the knowledge that it doesn't even have
to be all that. You don't have to. You
don't. You're not sleeping with anybody
else.
Great, you are. That doesn't change our
dynamic. Maybe it does, but by and
large, I'm accepting the fact that you
can see others without having to say my
name at any point in the dialogue or
whatever the [ __ ] you guys do. You never
have to mention me, and that's totally
fine. That's what a situationship is. So
why would I be in that kind of dynamic
and not be able to accept information
that could be lifech changing and life
saving for me?
Why do I want to hang out with that
person? Not without graveling.
I'm all for people can change, but I
need to see it. I got to see the pain
that you experienced from the way that
you naturally are being naturally
harmful to those that you care about.
That's what that sometimes you need that
motivation to give you the catalyst to
change because change is hard. Change
takes so much time and effort and
repetition. So, you need a really good
reason why you're changing. Sometimes we
change because we want a reward and
sometimes we change because we want
love, connection, intimacy that wasn't
available to us based on our last
patterns. But I want to see that. I want
to see that realization that damn.
I lied. I'm sneaky.
I'm a coward. Shrink myself when I
shrink the truth. When I feel like the
truth will actually make somebody go
away from me. And I don't want to risk
that. So I I I do that. Hey, I've been
like this my whole life. It helped me
survive today. Okay, I can show you the
moment where it's time to let that go.
Be who you are. Be honest about who you
are. Be honest about what you do.
especially
when it can directly impact somebody
else's life. And I'm not just saying
that in any type of small way in a
literal way.
So, you got to shed that sneaky
weasly thing that I'm happy got you
through to this day. If you can't shed
that and you don't want to, I can't be
around you.
I'm sorry.
Hope it continues to serve you. It
doesn't serve my lifestyle, though.
So, this is what time I'm on. Those
kinds of conversations should be
normalized. Your second question was,
why would someone do that? And I already
answered that. So, hope this helped. I'm
a gay man in a 2-year relationship. My
partner wants to open things up, and I
don't. I feel [music] like everyone in
our community is non- monogamous, and
I'm made to feel like something is wrong
with me for not wanting to open things
up. [music] How do I hold that boundary
without feeling like I'm the problem?
What a beautiful example of the normal
is nonsense.
The normal is [music] completely
nonsense cuz it's just based off of
who's around when you asked. So in
everybody else's world, being monogamous
is the normal thing and the non-
monogamous person is the one who's like
I feel like I'm such a like I a heathen.
I feel like I'm so bad that I desires
other way. But in another city, in
another place, wherever this question
is, in another community, it's the total
opposite.
So the normal is nonsense. Has nothing
to do with how you should choose to
govern your life. How you should choose
to activate your purpose, live in your
walk for whatever your is at this given
time. Why would you do that based on the
normal when the normal can be so extreme
from one pond to the next? It's
nonsense. Secondly or adjacently using
that phrase normal is nonsense to allow
yourself to validate your feelings and
your you know your position which by the
way is very common [snorts]
some might say normal to a lot of
people. So a lot of people be able to
empathize even if I understand when your
own given community has a different set
of values and expectations and obviously
when you guys go out and when your
friends are hanging out and people are
doing one thing and you're doing a
different thing and you guys stand out
it becomes friction. So I do understand
that the normal within your given pool
does matter but again as a foundational
principle of how to guide yourself in
order to be good or valid not just good
for a group is nonsense.
But I think that it is essential to just
own your [ __ ]
Own your [ __ ] And I love that the word
[ __ ] is so perfect right now because own
your [ __ ] is like your [ __ ] Put that
[ __ ] on. And it's also like own your
[ __ ] your baggage, your lies, your
insecurities, your fears, and the ways
that you allow those things to govern
how you move in spaces that require
love, trust, safety, and honesty.
That's also owning your [ __ ] But you
could also own that [ __ ] Nothing I'm
wearing is that [ __ ] No, my wedding
ring is. Own that [ __ ]
Or you can own that [ __ ]
And so that is not something that you do
when you're having this conversation.
You have it before. You have to get
grounded in in the way that you feel and
feel good about it. I know everybody
else is going with this lifestyle, but I
know me and I believe I'm a good person.
I believe I make the best choices. I've
made some choices that have been to the
left, to the right in the past, and it's
brought me to this moment. And this
moment is one that I'm very proud of. I
want more of these moments, which is why
I keep saying yes to life. That's how
much I like [ __ ] with what I am and what
I've done and who I've become. Yeah. So,
I think it's just you get to that space
with your way of wanting love. Watch
tons of movies, talk to friends, listen
to podcasts, empower yourself from the
monogous community. They have so much
material out there. So, lucky for you,
you can pretty much just walk and trip
anywhere and just fall into a pile of
monogous propaganda. Joking. [laughter]
Monogamous stories. That was a joke. For
real. That was a joke. Um, so yeah, get
get hyped up in in the way that you feel
and feel that good. And so then talk to
your partner and start with that. You
know, I've been thinking a lot and
watching how a lot of our friends move.
I actually it's been interesting to me
to watch their relationships because
they exist in a dynamic, you know,
polyamory that I'm not necessarily
comfortable with. And it's been really
cool to see that and say like, "Wow,
that's actually really beautiful." And I
like love the connection that they have
and I see why it works for other people.
I also have to be honest, I just don't
see it working for me.
Yeah, we've had great examples. I don't
necessarily have a bunch of taboo around
it and thank you for that. I've learned
a lot about it, but I also know about
myself and this isn't going to bring out
the best in me. And then I can't give
the best of me to you, which robs you.
So, this just won't work. That sucks if
it's true. But guess what? We can have
tons of other kinds of relationships,
but this particular one, I require a
level of exclusivity.
Yeah, that's just it. In order for this
thing to work and for us to both really
enjoy it, so as much as it is me saying
no to you, I'm also saying yes to future
you.
That's just how it is. So with that in
mind, are you cool if we are and for the
foreseeable future asterisks forever
continue to be monotonymous because that
really matters to me. Wait, that's the
end of this video. If you want to ask
questions and have them answered, you
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