Video summary
In this discussion, Ty Tashiro addresses the common phenomenon of individuals seeking out turbulent and challenging relationships under the guise that they can "fix" their partners. He challenges the popular belief that personality traits are easily malleable by citing extensive longitudinal studies tracking people from adolescence to retirement. These studies reveal a high degree of stability in core characteristics; for instance, someone who is highly neurotic as a teenager will likely remain so into old age, just as an extroverted or affectionate teen usually maintains those tendencies later in life. Tashiro notes that while approximately 20% to 25% of people may undergo significant personality changes over their lifetime, the vast majority—roughly 75% to 80%—show remarkable stability. Consequently, entering a relationship with someone high in neuroticism is essentially placing an unfavorable bet on whether they will change for you, as relying on such transformation ignores the statistical reality of human nature. Despite this evidence of stability, many people still pursue partners who do not meet their needs or exhibit negative traits because these situations offer a psychological opportunity to repair past wounds. Tashiro introduces the "recreation hypothesis," suggesting that individuals often choose suboptimal romantic scenarios in an attempt to fix unresolved issues from their family of origin. For example, someone who felt unloved by a parent may unconsciously seek out partners who are similarly unavailable or dismissive, hoping this time they can finally secure the love and attention they missed as children. This drive stems from a fundamental human need for completion; much like trying to decipher an erased sentence on a chalkboard, people feel compelled to fill in missing emotional gaps by recreating dynamics that were never resolved earlier in life. However, Tashiro argues that this reparative strategy is fundamentally flawed because it leads to the same disappointing outcomes as before. Choosing partners who are incapable of providing love or attention guarantees heartbreak rather than healing, regardless of one's intentions. Instead of looking for a partner with whom they can "fix" things, individuals should focus on identifying those traits outside of standard personality metrics that indicate potential for growth and commitment to self-improvement. While everyone has the capacity for change, only a dedicated minority possesses the dogged determination required to make lasting shifts in their behavior or emotional regulation over years rather than months. This distinction is crucial because while many people may have bright ideas about radical transformation every few weeks, true personality evolution requires an obsessive level of commitment similar to that needed for long-term fitness goals. Ultimately, Tashiro concludes that when selecting a life partner, one must balance the desire for someone who aligns closely with their values against the realistic probability of change versus stability. He emphasizes that while we cannot control our genetic predispositions or early upbringing, which act as forces in a marathon rather than a sprint, we can assess an individual's capacity to grow and work on themselves. The ideal partner is not necessarily one who starts at the perfect "bullseye" but someone with both proximity to desired traits and the persistence to maneuver toward them over time. By understanding that personality stability is the norm for most people and recognizing our own tendencies to seek out familiar, albeit painful, patterns from childhood, we can make more rational decisions based on evidence rather than misguided hopes of personal salvation through another person's transformation.
Read the full video transcript
Why do you think it is that people are
drawn to relationships that are very
tough that from the outside look
turbulent, difficult, challenging? Uh
the classic I can fix him meme. Uh what
have you come to believe about that?
Yeah. Uh can I go in reverse there? So
you're not going to fix anybody to tell
folks out there. Uh it's a common
belief. People almost seem to have it as
sport or hobby, right? like I'm going to
fix go fix people. Uh it almost just
never such low odds that that ever ends
up ends up working out. But why? Uh
because people are people are stable,
you know. Uh there's these really
beautiful studies of personality where
they track people for 40 or 50 years
from the time they're in their teen
teenage years to the time that they're
retired. And if you were neurotic when
you were highly neurotic when you were a
teenager, you're like the grumpy person
at the retirement home. You know, it's
just like a stable kind of thing. You
know, also if you were
the sweetheart, really nice, always
helping people out kind of person in
high school, you're doing the same
thing. Do you reckon that's the same for
socioexuality? If you were the girl that
was sleeping around a load in high
school, you're still the girl that's
sleeping around a load in the retirement
home. Well, you know, that is a concern
actually with older adults right now.
So, there's this um STD STD concerns.
One of the places is most acute in
public health is among older adults.
Yeah. Which is amazing. So yeah, people
don't change because traits are, you
know, traits are stable and folks might
see these articles every now and then
that that you can change your
personality and that is true to an
extent but the number of people who will
change their personality like like the
rough way to put that is about 20 to 25%
of people like for example who are
neurotic will turn themselves into not
neurotic people anymore. The remaining
75 to 80% will show stability over time.
And the reason I like to put things that
way is if you're in a position of
choosing a partner, you know, this is a
bet really, right? And you're saying,
"Okay, so I have this person who's high
in neuroticism.
Do I think that's going to change?" 80
75% chance. Yeah. Going to be exactly
the same way for the rest of my life.
25% chance they change. That's not a bet
I would probably want to make, you know.
Yeah. It's interesting when you think
about sort of what people are doing when
they first find a partner. They kind
of I get the sense and you may tell me
that uh my belief in personal growth and
malleability is misguided and must be
subdued. But um you're trying to find
somebody that is as close to the
bullseye of what it is that you're
looking for uh whilst making the
decision rationally before you get into
passionate love using evidence. based
insights from somebody as educated as
yourself trying to find somebody that's
close to the bullseye but also has I
would guess as strong of a capacity to
grow to work on themselves to be able to
update their beliefs uh the way that
they operate as possible. Um, and it
seems like those two variables, um, how
close are you, where's the starting
point and, uh, how capable are they of
of running and maneuvering toward
something that is, uh, more healthy?
Yeah. Yeah. I know. Exactly. So, you're
kind of identifying this trait that sits
outside of personality a little bit,
right? Which is this this interest and
this this persistence to grow as as a
person. And I think
you're gosh that's if people want to put
something in their top three that would
be another great trait to to put in
their top three like capacity for
growth. Yeah. It's capacity for growth
and and that dogged commitment to it
because it's one thing you and I
probably both know people who have some
bright idea every other month about oh
I'm totally going to change myself in
this way. Yeah. Usually has the word
radical in front of it. You know
Yeah. I'm engage in radical
self-disclosure or something. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Radical honesty,
radical painting. Yeah. And I'm always
like, uh, I, you know, what I'm more
interested in is, I mean, that's cool
and that's part of it. It is a necessary
first step, but but then how many people
now have the dog of determination to
actually make that happen because it's
so hard, right, over the course of
really years to
you know turn that huge ship around and
make it so that you have this better
range in your personality. You've got to
be dead ass committed if you are going
to actually do anything. I mean, yeah,
you're right. I think the way to look at
it is these
forces personality whe whether
it's infant upbringing uh genetic
predisposition time place confluence
nature nurture whether it you know
whatever it is whether it's personality
whether it's attachment style whether
it's values whether it's ideological
belief whether it's all of that stuff um
it is no matter which of those you're
playing with it is a marathon to try and
get that to be nudged. And uh you know
that's where you know the 20% sits right
for the most part. Uh these are probably
I imagine there's not many people that
fluke themselves into lowering the
neuroticism. It's probably you know the
people that listen to podcasts like this
one you know the the the uh insecure
overachieving personal growth maximizers
uh who are are really sort of trying to
better themselves within the world.
They're thinking very carefully. They're
very reflective. Um, you know, they they
they're really trying to work on
themselves. But that's a terrifying
minority of most people. That's that's
that's so true. You know, so maybe for
some of your listeners who, you know,
maybe are really into fitness, for
example, if you think about I'm always
annoyed like January 2nd in the gym when
you can't get on anything, right? This
overrun with all the cuisines taken.
That's right. That's right. and all
these New Year's resolution people. Um,
I mean this the same exact mindset and
outcomes could apply to something like
personality like okay someone could have
this really bright idea like they want
to get fit or they want to change their
neuroticism but who's going to be there
even in March you know who's going to be
there much less in December and you know
as your listeners know who are really
committed to fitness it's not even a
year right it's the course of numerous
years and being really disciplined and
constantly evolving and learning about
new things in nutrition and technique
and other things that actually lead to a
meaningful change in their body
composition and their and their fitness
and their health. Same thing with your
mental health and your psychological
health. It's that degree of commitment
and obsessiveness. Uh right, to to make
some sort of long-lasting change. Okay,
so I can fix him. Probably not, darling.
Uh why else are people drawn to
relationships that are tough, turbulent,
challenging, stuff like that? Yeah. Uh
it gets it gets sloppy research wise to
try to investigate this. It's I think
it's a great question. It'll be one of
the enduring questions we have to long
after I'm gone, I'm sure. Um but as you
can imagine, it's a little tough to to
investigate.
The best hypothesis uh I've I've run
across is the recreation hypothesis. So
um what personality researchers have
been interested in this kind of curious
thing that people choose suboptimal
situations for a lot of things, right?
Not just dating for example. And a lot
of times what they find is they choose
these sub-optimal situations for the for
themselves because it gives them a
chance to repair something or to fix
something that they weren't able to
repair or fix in the past. And of course
this becomes very obvious in romantic
relationships. If someone has something
in their family of origin, for example,
where let's say it's the stereotype like
I never got love from my dad, uh kind of
thing, which happens more than it should
probably, right? Um yeah, that's really
frustrating. Yeah, that's really hard on
on folks. Um but now to seek out
partners
who aren't going to be committed to you,
who aren't going to pay attention to you
or or be interested in you
You know, I understand why why folks do
that, but like it's going to be the same
outcome probably, which is heartbreak
and and and disappointment. So, I think
for folks who, you know, choose a lot of
bad partners kind of one after the
other, as much as I'm not a Freudian and
like, so tell me about your tell me
about your mother, tell me about your
father, kind of thing, um, this is one
area where I think it can be really
productive. and you say, "Hey, what what
were the frustrated urges I had growing
up that just sadly never got met and you
know will never probably get met by one
person and now right same kind of
methodology now how can I set myself up
to avoid the temptation of drawing those
kinds of people so I can try to fix it?"
Why? So, is it us trying
to salvage, close a loop, fix a sort of
uh a childhood wound? Is that is that
what's going on? Yep. It's the same
thing as if there was a chalkboard and
you were able to read 80% of the
sentence and like some part was erased.
It would really bug you that you can't
figure out what the last part of the
sentence is and you keep guessing trying
to, you know, we have this need for
completion in our minds just in general
as humans and it's particularly powerful
for something like being loved by a
parent for example. And so yeah, we're
just trying to close that loop. But the
problem is is that if we're choosing
that same kind of person who's not
loving, who's not attention-giving, it's
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