The One Pattern You Should Never Ignore In A Partner - Jordan Peterson

Duration: 12:24 2352 transcript words EN summary

Video summary

Jordan Peterson begins his discussion by analyzing a Reddit thread containing five critical questions for individuals unsure about their relationships, noting that many people use these inquiries to justify staying in unfulfilling situations through short-term postponement of necessary decisions. He argues that while partners are often different and conflicts may arise, the solution is not compromise but rather finding a new "game" where both parties utilize their unique skills optimally to create an outcome superior to what they could achieve alone. This dynamic requires addressing significant baggage each person brings into the relationship, drawing a parallel between managing adult partnerships and disciplining children; just as one must address annoying behaviors in offspring before they become entrenched habits, partners must confront irritating traits in each other rather than accepting them as immutable facts of life. To resolve these interpersonal friction points, Peterson advocates for a rigorous process of observation and confrontation similar to raising a child who tests boundaries. He suggests that if someone bugs you twice, one should note it but refrain from immediate action; however, by the third occurrence, one must clearly articulate what happened to establish facts rather than allowing denial to persist. This method forces both parties to examine whether the annoyance stems from their own sensitivities or actual problematic behavior in the partner, leading to a necessary "thrust and counter-thrust" discussion that eventually uncovers the root of issues. The ultimate goal is not merely peace through avoidance but achieving a state where life together consists entirely of high-quality moments reminiscent of the best dates ever had, requiring both individuals to actively work toward this ideal rather than settling for mere coexistence. Central to his philosophy on relationship growth is the "Michelangelo effect," which describes how partners should encourage each other to become their idealized selves by chipping away at excesses and revealing hidden potential within a rough block of marble. Peterson connects this concept to the biblical narrative in Genesis, where Adam and Eve are expelled from paradise due to pride, illustrating that entry into true spiritual or relational perfection requires burning away unworthy aspects with a "burning sword" of judgment. This process involves distinguishing wheat from chaff through compassion coupled with strict judgment; one must be willing to destroy parts of oneself or the relationship dynamic that do not align with the highest good, even if it causes short-term emotional distress. Peterson illustrates this principle of necessary judgment with an anecdote about his playful granddaughter who tests boundaries by poking and hitting him during play. Although she is a delightful child, he refuses to let her get away with actions like whacking him too hard because such behavior would not be fun for others or sustainable in the long run; setting these limits prevents her from becoming annoying and teaches her how to interact appropriately with peers who are less forgiving than grandparents. He emphasizes that failing to set boundaries is akin to a curse, as it allows negative traits to fester rather than being refined into something perfect. Ultimately, he posits that genuine love involves seeing the light within another person's soul and acting in ways that encourage its revelation while discouraging anything that obstructs that potential, ensuring both partners strive for their best possible versions of themselves together.

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I found a thread on Reddit that was five questions to ask yourself if you're unsure about your relationship if someone told you you're a lot like your partner would this be a compliment to you are you truly fulfilled or just less lonely are you able to be unapologetically yourself or do you feel the need to show up differently to please your partner are you in love with who your partner is right now as a whole or are you only in love with their good side their potential or the idea of them and would you want your future or imagined child to date someone like your partner and this thread was just filled with people having existential crisis and it seemed to me to be a collection of people who had managed to believe that continuing to Manana Manana the short-term postponement of the discomfort of the decision that they wanted to have around their partner uh was somehow the noble thing thing to do or the good thing to do or The Virtuous thing to do or the thing that ultimately would result in the best outcome even though they knew that if they spread it out long enough and then it's just hidden we just shoven under the rug so yeah that uh list of five questions I think uh well in most relationships you can break up or you can have a thousand fights you know and if you have a thousand fights then you don't have to fight you make peace that way you know because you're different than your partner so there's things to work out there and you might think about that as a compromise but it's not it's that you're different than your partner and you have to find a game that you both want to play that's not a compromise that's a solution it's like you bring your skills to the table and I bring my skills to the table and then we figure out some game we can play where we're both optimally utilized and it's a better game than we could play alone that's not a compromise well but getting to that's very difficult and people bring all sorts of baggage to a relationship and you have to it's just like like disciplining children really it's the same thing your children are you note your children are annoying you you can note that oh there I'm being annoyed by my child okay so what questions do you ask am I a tyrannical son of a who's touchy well that's why you need your wife cuz you can go ask her my kids are annoying me am I a tyrannical son of a who's touchy and she said yeah you probably need something to eat or you're a bit of a prick that way and you got to listen because maybe it's you or maybe she says yeah that goddamn child's been getting on my case too and then you ask each other are we mutually tyrants it's like no that kid's annoying okay do we want him to be annoying well if you love your child then the answer that would be no because if he's annoying you he's going to annoy other people he's going to annoy his potential friends he's going to annoy other adults he's going to go through the world being annoying and everyone's going to frown at him that's not helpful so then you could just fix it and you're that's going to going to cause some short-term upset you know you're maybe you have a like a 13-month-old child who's very extroverted and disagreeable who like rules the roost and every time the mother goes more than a foot away from her she has a squawk fit because she's learned to control maybe the mother you know is still tied up with infant care and can't put down a boundary and so now you have to do something about this emerging monster of a 14-month-old child and one of the things you do is every time the child is bossy first of all you note it and you note that you're not very fond of yourself for being tyrannized by a 14-month-old that's a bit of a status hit like it should be so you have to notice I'm annoyed by this child then I should do something about it well it's going to cause short-term emotional distress the same thing occurs when you're dealing with your partner it's like you're annoying me okay now maybe that's me so I should bloody well maybe we should have a talk about that you're annoying me convince me that it's me and I should listen because maybe it's me and if I'm annoyed about you and I shouldn't be I should fix that but maybe it's you so let's find out exactly what's going on you know and that'll usually man that's that'll there's just constant thrust and counter thrust in a discussion like that and usually you know the conversation will circle around whatever the hell the issue is till you get to the bottom of it and God only knows where that is is but then maybe you can sort it out you know and if you sort out enough of those things you live in peace and that's something worth attaining you know and I've thought forever in my marriage there's nothing there's nothing too small to fight about now you know I put in some rules that I used to have with my clients too it's like if someone bugs you you should note that and you shouldn't do anything about it probably if they bug you twice the same way then you think oh okay that's twice but probably still you shouldn't do anything about it but if they bug you three times then you can say here's what you just did and they'll say well no I didn't do that and then you say yeah you did and you did exactly the same thing in this other situation and you did exactly the same thing in this other situation so don't be telling me you didn't do it cuz you did it three times and I watched okay now they come up with reasons they did it and maybe some of them have to do with what is stupid son of a you are and you should listen because maybe they're right but that's at least the beginnings of the process by which you unravel the problems you want to figure out well we don't want to do this this isn't the way we want to treat each other we want to get to a place where we want to get to a place where our whole life is like the best moments of the best dates we ever had that's a good goal and that's that's that's Attain able it you got to work man there's there's a the scene in the in Genesis God throws Adam and Eve out of paradise because of their pride their sin of Pride they each have their own particular version of that sin Eve's sin and Adam's but they get thrown out of paradise anyways for pride and God puts cherubs at the gates of paradise and the cherubs they're kind of these monstrous Angels terrifying figures and they hold swords that are on fire that turn Every Witch Way and burn and you might say well what does that mean and it means that well a sword is something that cuts away right a sharp blade and a and fire is something that burns and a sword that Burns Burns and cuts away and a sword that burns and turns every which way is a burning sword from which nothing can escape okay now you want to walk into Paradise everything that isn't worthy in you has to be burned and cut away right well that's what that conflict is in a relationship you know it's like that's not suitable for Paradise what does it have to do it has to be cast into the outer Darkness where there will be nashing of teeth right it has to be cut away and destroyed and everything that isn't worthy has to go well the Michelangelo effect is all about you and your partner becoming the idealized version of each other right you are going to do for me the things that I want within your parameters of control that you want to be the best partner for me and I want to do the same for you we're both going to communicate to each other and we're going to stand our ground where we have boundaries and we're going to continue to compromise that's what love should do yeah that's what love should do like if you love someone if it's genuine love you see you see their hidden Soul that's a good way of thinking about it you get a glimpse of the light that they could reveal to the world if they revealed it that's what you see and then to act in love is to encourage that to come forward and to discourage anything that gets in its way that's why I love the the Michelangelo effect I'd heard of and i' been using it okay so why the Michelangelo effect this is why Michelangelo sees this huge massive UNH block I see I see and inside of that he is able to see David M and over time slowly he will chip away and he will chip away and he will chip away so you see something that isn't there that's inside of the thing which is rough and UNH and uncivilized and undomesticated and rambunctious and and sometimes terrible and you were able to from that yeah that's actually part of the D Ching the uncarved block so a child is an uncarved Block in in in The dowst View and and you remove everything that's excess until what's perfect remains right and that's see the the logos in the Old and New Testament the logos that creates the world is the judging faculty that what would you say that separates the wheat from the chaff right and it's not it's compassion in a sense because if you're compassionate towards someone you want what's best for them all things considered but that compassion in the highest sense can't exist without judgment because the judgment is this part of you isn't worthy to continue and certainly that's what you're doing with your children when you see them misbehaving you think no that's no not that not that something more sophisticated even with my little granddaughter the other day she's very very playful and she's a very nice little girl she's very playful and very fun and funny and not neurotic and so she's a pleasure to be around but she hasn't seen me for a while and so she was poking me getting me to chase her around and poking me and she'd come up and give me a whack you know and at one point she whacked me too hard and she knew it and I said that's not fun that's not acceptable and then she stopped but she was playing with that edge trying to find out where fun is and you know can how hard can I hit Grandpa she doesn't bloody well know she kind of knows but she needs to know exactly well I can't let her get away with it because then she's not fun to play with she has to learn to come and give her Grandpa a whack and exactly the way that elicits a playful response and that isn't annoying and so there's a very you know you might think well it's pretty harsh judgment to lay on a 5-year-old it's like no it's not I would like her to be the most fun kid to play with that she could be right and so I'm not going to pretend that it's okay when it's not not setting that boundary is almost like a curse it is a curse yeah there you go away we would then how's she going to play with other with other kids if she doesn't know the they're not going to be as forgiving as Grandpa definitely not in other news this episode is brought to you by manscaped if you are a gentleman who is still using an old face shaver from three Christmases ago to trim your gentleman's area what are you doing join us here in the modern world there are purpose built tools for the job and the brand new lawnmower 5.0 Ultra is 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