The Narcissist Thought You'd Chase Them

They were convinced that you would chase them because they are not humble. They are not modest. No, my friends, they are full of themselves. They believe they are very important, clever, and superior. And that is why they walked off so confidently because they thought that you would chase and pursue them. And you're not being silent because it's some new strategy that you think will make them miss you. You're not being silent because it's a game you're playing. You're being silent because you've stepped out of the role that they've assigned for you. Because you don't want to play that role anymore. In this video, I'm going to explain why narcissists expect you to chase them. Because they will walk away. They will expect you to come running into them. So, we're going to talk about what goes through their minds when you don't and what happens when you walk away and how you can heal from these mind games that they like to play. And we're going to talk about why they do that. Because the moment you stop chasing them is the moment when you get clarity. That is the moment when you win. So, let's get into it. If you're new here, I am Narc Survivor. I'm a narcissist expert and I have been making videos on YouTube for nearly 8 years. I help people to move on from narcissistic relationships. So, I'm here to help you understand what is going on because there is so much information out there. There is so much trend surfing and I have been on here before narcissism went viral on YouTube. So we are going to be talking about the psychology. We are going to be talking about what is really going on. I did a video over 7 years ago titled the discard phase is an illusion. I recommend watching this video if you haven't seen it yet because it perfectly describes how most narcissists never intend to let you go completely. The discard is actually an illusion. They don't really want it to end. Even though they may show you in their behavior that it it has ended, but then time will pass and they will come back. And they always do this. They have this grand, dramatic, and chaotic ending. But in most cases, they always come back. It's never really over because they expect you to call. They expect you to apologize. They expect you to explain yourself and fight for them. They expect you to take responsibility. They expect you to change. This is what they're expecting because they think they've groomed you enough and pulled you into the narcissistic fog, the fear, obligation, and guilt to where they expect you to remain attached to them no matter what they do or no matter what they expect from you. And that's how you may notice that there are many discards and you always end up getting back together. There is this constant push and pull. There's always these bumps in the roads which can be very confusing. But they're doing that because they're testing your attachments. They're testing your loyalty to them while you're constantly in a state of shock. You're constantly jaw-dropped. You're constantly experiencing dreads like you can't believe what is happening to them. It's normal. And that is why they expect you to love them in spite of this. And many of you may have told them you do. You may have told them you care about them. And sometimes we wonder if that was the right thing to do. Because if we love them in spite of what they're doing, doesn't that mean that we accept this behavior? But either way, no matter how much you try to love them, it will never be enough because they will always want more. And that is why they're always testing you. They're always pushing your limits because they're relying on you to be something very unusual, something far beyond what is normal for them. They don't want you to be regular. They don't want you to be like everyone else. They want something special. And they have trained you to chase them. They have made it as difficult as possible for you to connect to them. They've given you the silent treatment. They've blocked you and unblocked you. They've walked away during arguments. There's no responsibility or accountability for anything. They don't apologize. They never explain anything to you. You never know where you stand with them. There's always this up and down, this emotional roller coaster. with no end in sight because they want you to keep chasing. They don't really love you. If they did, they would never put you in a position that would make you want to walk away from them. They wouldn't want to lose you. But the narcissist constantly tests you, constantly gets you to doubt yourself, constantly keeps you on edge because they're testing your loyalty. They're testing how you feel about them. And this all stems from childhood. So you can't change this dynamic and they will never be able to see it. They will never become aware of their patterns of behavior. And that is why they will always be doing this. They will keep you in a state of anxiety to where you're constantly walking on egg in eggshells so that so that it keeps your thoughts and your life revolving around them. It keeps you trauma bonded to them because it creates this fusion. They can only bond with you when you don't feel good enough. When you're constantly trying to prove your worth and the reason why you keep accepting it and doing it is because this may be something you did throughout your childhood. So these interactions may feel familiar to you. Now that doesn't mean that this is your fault. It just means that it may be something you were already conditioned to do a long time ago. So now you're constantly wanting them to validate you, to validate your worth in this relationship while they typically leave smiling. They seem so happy that they have walked away from you and you're left feeling emotional. You're upset you can't function in your life. But when they do this, they believe they've won. They're thinking that if they just give it a few days, you'll be back. You'll be begging them. You'll be wanting to communicate with them. You'll be trying to get their attention. So, they're calm about all of this while you're racking your brain. You're trying to figure things out. You're trying to make sense of all of this. But it's because they're the ones who are in control. They're pulling the strings in all of this. They're directing the course of events and you're just following along. You're just trying to find your way out of a maze that they placed you in and that they created. So, they expect you to feel like this all the time. They expect it to confuse you. And that's how they know if they have control over you. They manipulate you to the point where you can't even remember what day it is. And this narrowed focus is often a sign that you have been under intense psychological stress, coercive influence, and a controlling dynamic where you have become hyper attuned to the narcissist's moods, words, facial expressions, or behaviors because your brain is trying to predict what will happen next. It becomes a survival habit. Your nervous system prioritizes detecting threats over everything else. So your attention becomes locked on another person who feels unpredictable or powerful. While other information may feel less important in comparison, which can make you feel mentally foggy, distracted, or disconnect from your own needs. Needs which are likely to be very different to what you've been manipulated to achieve. But there is light at the end of the tunnel because certain experiences can interrupt the state and bring back a wider sense of self. They can activate different emotional systems and break the spell. And these may be things like seeing something impressive, beautiful, or inspiring, a breathtaking view, an incredible achievement, music, art, or witnessing someone's talent. Genuine laughter, playfulness, humor, compassion and witness and vulnerability. Memories of your previous identity, a song, place, smell, photograph, moments of genuine appreciation, kindness, or warmth. Doing something unfamiliar. All of these things can pull you out of the fear, obligation, and guilt which would otherwise keep your attention locked onto the other person. These things can pull you out of that. and help you to reconnect with your own emotions, curiosity, identity, and values. And when they don't hear from you, when days have passed and you're not texting, you're not pleasing, you're not giving them your emotional reactions, you're not posting on social media to get their attention, and instead you're giving them nothing, which is something that will certainly get their attention because at that point, you're no longer on their radar. So, they're looking for you. They're trying to figure out where you are so that they can pull you back in even though they may be with someone new because they will be wondering why you haven't contacted them yet. They will be trying to figure out if you're angry or if they push you a bit too far. They may be wondering if you've met someone else. They will be wondering why you're not reacting. What is going on in your mind? What is it that's more important than them? Is it someone who is a better manipulator? Someone who is more attractive than they are? They want to know because they're so used to having everything set up in their favor. Everything working out the way they want it to. So when someone slips outside their control, that is when they become hyperfocused. They become hyperatuned because that is something that's very unusual and peculiar for them. It's not something they see too often because normally once they pulled someone into the loop, it's very difficult for that person to find their way out of there. They don't just suddenly sprout wings and fly away. They don't emerge from the gashes. But this isn't because they miss you. If they missed you, they would have got in contact with you a long time ago. They don't feel the way we do. They don't have those emotions. So, they are not going to be missing you. But what they are trying to do is they're trying to understand the old pattern because they once believed they had you all figured out. They thought they knew you really well. So they're going to be questioning why you're not doing what you've always done. Why you're not doing what they specifically programmed you to do, why you're not running to them. But the hoovering isn't about love. It's just a test. If they really loved you or missed you, they would have been playing these games. They wouldn't be toying with you. They would view it as something that is worth their serious consideration. When you love someone, you're not going to put their lives in jeopardy. You're not going to risk their health and sanity. They will because life is a game to them. So, they're constantly testing you. They're checking to see if they still have access to you because this is not a relationship. This is nothing to do with love. When they toy with you, it gives them a sense of power and control. Making you feel crazy makes them feel more sane because deep down they do know that there is something wrong with them. And that's what drives them to set out and prove to you and themselves how clever they are. But if you're strong enough to walk away without reacting and without worrying about them, now you've got your power back. But many victims struggle to get to this point. It may take you a few times to get to it. And what can really help is remembering how many times you've already been run through this cycle. How many times they've already done this. It usually starts off with random text messages. How are you? What are you up to? They may like your old photos on social media. Or they may contact your family or your friends. They might even send you a trivial text message. They might ask you something that's not even important to act as though they're not really pursuing anything as though there isn't really anything they gear towards, such as, "Do you know if blueberries freeze well?" And at this point, they're poking you to get a reaction out of you based on the initial grooming phase. Whatever they initially conditioned you [music] to do or be. And regardless of what they say, they're not going to be interested in anything else. They just want to regain that sense of power and control that they once had over you before. And what better way to regain that than to continue with the original programming rather than starting again with something else. They want reassurance. They want you to give them comfort, confidence, and a sense of security to help them feel less worried, scared, or doubtful. And it's not because they've realized the error of their ways. They just want access. They want to get close to you because they can see that you're still vulnerable. You're exposed at risk, sensitive, defenseless. So, it's an opportunity for them to get their needs met, to use you to gratify themselves. And because you've been groomed, you may feel a pull towards them. Deep down, you may know that this is wrong, but a part of you craves the sense of belonging and validation to make you feel normal again. This is how many victims end up going back to the narcissist, and it's typically what the narcissist is dependent on. That is why they deliberately target your confidence. They isolate you. They smear your name so that they can become your only source of influence and so that you have no one else to turn to. And at this point, the most difficult thing is tolerating the discomfort. Accepting that maybe you don't belong anywhere. Maybe you don't feel so good about yourself anymore. Maybe you don't know who you are. And by entering the state of being thoughtful and questioning things rather than following the sense of certainty that they are imposing on you, it gives you space to breathe. You stop explaining yourself. You stop trying to earn their love. You stop trying to prove your value. And instead, you realize that this is a game that is never going to be fulfilling for you. It may be good for them. It may be something that they enjoy doing. But for you, it's like you're constantly carrying a weight on your shoulders, and it doesn't feel good. And this is why many professionals recommend going no contact. They recommend limiting your engagement with these types of people because if you're around them long enough, they will begin to have an effect on you. You won't be able to maintain your sense of self and identity around these types of people. If you know who you are, they don't have any power and they can't control you. So they use any interactions with you to distort your sense of who you are, to disconnect you from your own thoughts and feelings. Whenever you're actually talking sense and you're making good points or you're holding them accountable, it's like talking to a brick wall. They're not going to respond to that because they don't want anything to change. They're comfortable with how you are. That's why anytime you try to do anything for yourself, whether it's cooking yourself a meal or engaging in a hobby, they always have to do something to undermine these things. And it's never going to change. They're always going to be a brick wall. They're always going to be holding you back because that is how they maintain control. They can't maintain control if you're going off and doing your own things and you have your own responsibilities, your own stuff to attend to. They have to keep you pleading, wanting, wishing, and hoping for something. They will never let you get to a place where you actually feel good about yourself because they would lose their control. They wouldn't be able to manipulate you at that point. So, you have to decide that you don't want to be manipulated anymore. You have to decide that for yourself. You have to realize that you deserve more because they're never going to tell you that. They don't want you to know your worth. Because even they know that you are far more worthy and valuable without them, without their explanations, without their energy. They only thought you chased them because they thought you were resetting the cycle again. They thought they owned you. But now you're taking your ownership back and you're learning that you are the most important person here because there's no point trying to communicate with someone who is completely unresponsive, stubborn, or refusing to listen while you're just repeating useless actions over and over again with zero results or supports. If this video was helpful for you today, please give it a thumbs up. If you're new here, subscribe to be notified when I upload a new video. For more resources on narcissistic abuse, check out my website. It's narc survivor.co.uk. Thank you for watching and I'll talk to you soon.