Video summary
Alain de Botton argues that online dating culture fundamentally distorts our approach to love by shifting focus from cultivating a relationship with another human being to merely finding the right candidate who fits specific criteria. He suggests that this digital environment teaches us that conflicts or problems indicate we are not with the "right person," rather than encouraging individuals to accept flaws and engage in the difficult work of learning how to live together. This mindset creates a massive distraction where effort is misplaced on searching for the next shiny object, effectively turning what should be a telescope looking outward into a microscope examining our own inability to commit or do the necessary emotional labor. The transcript highlights a profound moral sickness associated with this behavior, particularly evident in the act of swiping through hundreds of profiles and discarding them as unsuitable. De Botton points out that judging 800 people quickly is an ingratitude toward those who might have been valuable partners if given time to develop compatibility. This process leads to a "moral hangover" or confusion, where individuals feel they are participating in an unkind world by discarding others based on narrow lenses of value. While most users may be innocents caught up in this societal treadmill, the cumulative effect is a culture that encourages judgment and disposability rather than patience and understanding. De Botton challenges the notion that love is primarily about chasing joy or finding a perfect soulmate who meets sky-high expectations for being an ideal co-partner, show-fer, sex partner, and more all at once without effort. Instead, he posits that managing disappointment is central to relationships and that compatibility should be viewed as an achievement of love built over time through daily practice, rather than a precondition or entry price paid before starting. He uses the analogy of learning a musical instrument like the flute; just as one would not expect mastery after listening to a podcast occasionally, maintaining a relationship requires hours of dedicated work, study, and giving it a genuine go every day. The societal whispers currently surrounding relationships suggest that any problem indicates the presence of red flags such as narcissism or emotional unintelligence, leading people to discard partners immediately rather than addressing issues together. De Botton identifies self-righteousness, defensiveness, and an unwillingness to meet halfway as enemies of successful partnerships, whereas modesty acts as a saving grace by acknowledging that everyone carries difficulties and flaws. He laments the waste of relationships where couples end years-long commitments over squabbles instead of viewing these moments as opportunities for learning and growth, noting that we often repeat patterns with new partners because we fail to recognize them as typical human intra-confusion rather than signs of a corrupt individual. Ultimately, while de Botton does not advocate staying in abusive or toxic relationships at all costs, he questions the lack of patience and forbearance displayed when ending partnerships prematurely due to minor incompatibilities. He urges society to reframe arguments not as deal-breakers but as massive learning moments where couples can go back to school on their dialogues with one another. By adopting a culture that supports this kind of patient work, individuals could avoid the exhausting cycle of discarding partners and starting over repeatedly, thereby preserving the shared jokes, investments, and faith built within long-term connections before they are thrown away for solvable problems.
Read the full video transcript
Speaking of being special to strangers,
why do you think online dating is so
miserable reliably for most people?
Um
Look, I think the problem with online
dating is that it teaches us that the
main problem with love is finding the
right person. And of course it's one of
the issues that we need to locate a
candidate who broadly fits certain
criteria. But
that's probably a lot easier than we
tend to think. The real challenge is how
do you get on with another human being?
And that's not spoken of within dating
culture. What dating culture tells us is
if there's a conflict or a problem, it's
that you're not with the so-called right
person rather than accepting
everybody you're likely to find is
really problematic. So as soon as you
found a more or less okay candidate,
do the real work, which is learning how
to live with them. Um but but we the
emphasis is constantly thrown on that
other thing, which is just finding the
next shiny object. Um
so it's a it's a massive distractor of
effort. It teaches us to place the
effort in the wrong place. Um yeah,
turning the
microscope around uh turning it from a
telescope that's searching to a
microscope that's looking at us. Okay,
well, how can you make yourself and this
other person into something that's a
better unit as opposed to just getting
rid of them and moving on to the next?
>> And as it you know, there's a tremendous
um
ingratitude. I mean, people will say,
you know, I've swiped through 800
profiles today. And you think what?
You've just sort of executed as it were
800 800 people are not good for you.
That can't be true. It isn't true. Um
there's likely to be lots of people in
that cohort that were of value. But
we're encouraged to look through such a
narrow lens at at value that we end up
discarding. And that leaves, I think, a
kind of
a moral hangover or sickness cuz we know
we've done something a bit
disreputable. Well, what's that uh judgy
not lest ye be judged? You have done a
lot of judging, so you think this is
probably happening to me, too. Yeah. And
so it's an it's a ultimately an unkind
world. Um
it's you know, it's not it's not a world
that every anybody particular is
responsible for. Most of us are are
innocents on this treadmill. But um
undoubtedly, I think it leads to moral
confusion. Um I wonder whether
when it comes to a relationship and
not seeing a partner as the sole source
of everything that we need in this life.
Wonder whether love is more about uh
managing disappointment than it is about
chasing joy in that way.
Look, the thing is that we can either
have the expectations we have or we can
have lower ones. If we're going to stick
with the expectations we have around
relationships, boy oh boy, do we need to
do the work. And this is the problem of
our society. We have these sky-high
expectations, but a serious reluctance
to work at it. Um it's like, you know, I
I want my partner to be, you know, my
ideal co-partner, show-fer, soulmate, uh
sex partner, blah blah blah. All these
things have to register on all these
fronts. Um
and the sole work I'm going to do is,
you know, once in a while listen to an
Esther Perel podcast, and I'm going to
think it's going to swing it or if that.
And you think, "Hang on a minute. If
this was the flute and you wanted to get
good at the flute, you'd be practicing
three three hours a day." Um so
I think there there doesn't have to be
anything wrong with the expectations we
have. Some people go, "Oh, you know,
we've got overly high expectations."
Fine, let's have let's have really high
expectations of relationships. Why not?
But then do the work. And and that means
hours and hours, daily hours of
practice. Um
which involves a lot of learning and a
lot of yeah, giving it a go. That
wonderful line from you, "Compatibility
is an achievement of love. It shouldn't
be its precondition." Again, this is
something which can be built over time
as opposed to
uh the entry price that needs to be paid
before it starts. Exactly. And and it
really helps, of course, if the whole
culture is supporting us. If a culture
is patient. If a culture tells us,
"Okay, you've had a huge argument. What
happens next?" Currently, we think, "Oh,
we break up because we've had a we've
had a moment of incompatibility." Rather
than this is a massive learning moment.
Let's let's go back to school on this.
Let's really study this. And you know,
we were talking earlier, we're very
suggestible creatures. We pick up our
cues about the work we should do
according to societal nudges. And
currently, society is not particularly
nudging us to work at some of those
rough points in in dialogues with
others. What would What is the subtext?
What are What are the What are the
whispers
of what society is saying about
relationships at the moment, do you
think?
It's basically telling us that if
there's a problem, it's that we found
somebody with red flags. They may be a
narcissist. Uh they could be borderline.
Uh they could be, you know, emotionally
unintelligent, etc. And therefore, in
the bin. They they should go in the bin.
I mean, the problem with these red this
red flag language, it's all very well,
but if you're going to put everyone in
the bin who's a red flag, well, good
luck to you. You're not going to have
any friends. I mean, you know, there's a
lot of red flags around in everybody,
including you. So you as in me, you
know, and and it gets exciting when we
go, "Okay, I own up to the red flags.
Can we do something about it?" And when
two people meet each other and go, "I
know I'm desperately flawed. Can we help
each other?" I mean, the enemy of
relationships is self-righteousness. The
enemy is defensiveness. The enemy is
people go, "Well, I feel like this and
you need to acknowledge that and, you
know, this is the way it is. These are
my boundaries and give way. Give way.
And and you know, I
I've been submissive too long and this
is the way it is now."
You want to go, "Okay, all right, maybe,
but can we can we meet halfway? Or can
we somehow find a way of having a
dialogue that acknowledges we're
both in a bit of a muddle here, both
likely to be carrying all sorts of, you
know, difficulties, blah blah blah.
Um
that kind of modesty is a saving grace.
I mean, when that modesty kicks in, the
angels are singing because they know
that a relationship is going to be
saved. My goodness, we waste
relationships. You know, people people I
meet people all the time they go, "Oh, I
was together with a for someone for
eight years, and then, you know, we were
squabbling, so, you know, I ended it."
Or, you know, "I was with someone for
seven years." And you and you think, "My
goodness, all those shared jokes, all
those investments, all that faith." And
then you chuck it all in the sea and you
begin again. And you might do this seven
times in a lifetime. How exhausting it
is. Now, I'm not you know, it's not plea
for everyone to stay together at all
costs. Obviously, there are
relationships you need to exit. But you
know, there are there's serious grounds
for questioning the way certain of these
relationships end. You think,
"Couldn't there have been a little more
patience, a little more of a
forbearance, a little more of an
understanding that what you were meeting
here was not an incompatibility in one
person, but the scale of human
intra-confusion
that you're likely to meet up anywhere."
You know, rather than thinking you've
met one particularly corrupt human
being. It's like, "Well, you've just met
another typical human." And you go off
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