Video summary
Dr. K addresses the fundamental challenge of separating self-worth from accomplishments, arguing that individuals often conflate their identity with specific outcomes or failures. He posits a critical distinction between action and result: while humans can control their actions—such as studying hard for medical school or acting kindly in relationships—they cannot ultimately control results like saving lives, winning love, or gaining social media views. Using the example of even the most skilled doctor unable to guarantee a patient's survival despite advanced tools like MRIs and transplants, he illustrates that attaching self-worth to external outcomes is futile because these factors are beyond one's power. Consequently, relying on achievements for validation creates an endless cycle where meeting expectations merely raises the bar, leading to perpetual dissatisfaction as goalposts constantly move outward based on societal judgments rather than internal reality. To achieve genuine contentment and peace of mind, Dr. K suggests two primary methods: recognizing the limits of control over outcomes and dissolving the ego. He explains that identity is not a fixed biological fact but an abstraction constructed from thoughts, stories, and labels like "podcaster," "winner," or "loser." Scientific studies on psychedelics for trauma healing support this view, showing that therapeutic improvement correlates with experiences involving "ego death" rather than mere visual patterns. By realizing that one's true essence is simply the bundle of sensory experiences living through a body, individuals can detach from fluctuating attributes like job titles or awards. This detachment liberates people from suffering caused by pride and shame; for instance, losing a medical license only hurts if one identifies as "a doctor," whereas accepting oneself as an experiencing consciousness allows one to focus entirely on doing the best possible action without fear of failure defining their existence. The speaker emphasizes that correcting shortcomings should be viewed through compassion rather than self-loathing or ego-driven judgment. He challenges listeners to distinguish between shame regarding actions and shame regarding outcomes, noting that while we can always ask if we could have done better in our behavior, no one knows for certain how alternate choices would change the final result. This mindset shift allows individuals to sleep peacefully at night after difficult events, such as a patient's death or a failed project, knowing they did everything within their power. Furthermore, Dr. K highlights that compassion is inherently ego-dissolving because it shifts focus from "how am I perceived?" to genuinely caring for others. He observes that those who engage in toxic online behavior often lack the capacity for compassion due to unmet personal needs or internal turmoil, suggesting that cultivating kindness strengthens rather than weakens an individual by breaking the cycle of self-centered judgment. The discussion concludes with a reflection on how societal conditioning tricks us into believing our worth is dependent on external validation like awards, grades, or income levels. Dr. K shares his own journey from graduating medical school with modest grades to winning awards without caring about them because he understood that identity was not tied to these metrics. He notes the irony of wanting to be seen as competent and hardworking while simultaneously realizing that true strength lies in vulnerability and compassion. Ultimately, the path to freedom involves accepting that all material benefits are secondary to basic human needs like relief from pain or hunger, which provide equal pleasure regardless of one's status. By focusing on what can be controlled—actions—and practicing self-compassion, individuals can break free from the lie that their value is contingent upon success, finding stability in the simple act of being alive and present.
Read the full video transcript
how can people separate their sense of
self-worth from their
accomplishments um I
mean it's a great question so I I've got
two or three different answers so the
first
is see if you can if you can absolve
yourself of your failures then you can
have self you can get rid of the
selfworth from accomplishments does that
make sense no so see if I fail at
something
I'm a crap person right and then if I
succeed at something I'm a good person
so both of those have to be separated
this is where a lot of people will focus
on one but not the other so they'll say
like in in both ways right so if I'm if
I'm working with someone who's depressed
they're like I'm trying to help this
person not feel depressed because they
have failed at something we're trying to
separate the ego from the
action so if you want to separate your
accomplishments from your selfworth like
you just have to untie both of those
things fundamentally there are two ways
to do that kind of make sense okay so
there are two fundamental ways to do
this the first is to recognize I know it
sounds kind of weird but you don't
actually accomplish anything like
literally it is impossible for you to
accomplish anything so you can plant a
seed you can water it you can do all the
right things but you can't make a plant
grow so as a human being there's a very
fundamental principle that a lot of
people don't understand and I know this
is going to sound crazy you cannot all
you can do is the action you cannot
achieve any result give me an example I
can study at Harvard Medical School I
cannot save a life it is not within my
power to Save a Life like I can be the
best doctor on the planet but like I do
not nowhere does training give me the
power of Life over death or death like
you just can't do that and this is where
like another example I can be the best
boyfriend on a planet on the planet but
I can't make someone fall in love with
me I just can't do it right and this is
where some people will
disagree I really think that if you stop
and you do this very simple practice
close your eyes what can you control
Chris my movements what else my thoughts
sometimes what else my breath can you
control me no can you control who
watches this no can you control how many
views it gets no can you control what
sponsorships you're going to get or
who's going to reach out to you can you
control the comments in the comment
section definitely not like what the
right so here we are you have a
successful video and you don't control
that all you control in life is what you
do and this is paradoxically how you
become successful so it is the people
who focus on the outcome of their
actions that get screwed by it because
understand this if my if my selfworth is
focus is dependent on my outcomes then
even if I achieve what I want then like
oftentimes I people don't feel great
even if they live up to their
expectations right it's like one million
and then I need two and then I need
three then I need need four if you are
relying on accomplishments to determine
your self-worth it will never be
enough right cuz you there's always
another promotion there's always there's
a $100,000 car there's a $300,000 car so
if your selfworth is tied to something
external it'll never be enough this is
what we call moving goalposts and it's
why human beings like if that were the
case then anyone who makes $150,000
would just be
chill but that's not how it works the
reason we think that is because we've
been conditioned we are not our
selfworth but other people's worth other
PE I'm sorry not other people's Judgment
of our worth is dependent on our
accomplishments no one gives a [ __ ]
about who you are they care about what
you do oh like you get this award
because you got a 4.0 that's why we get
conditioned in this so then we adopt
their view but that doesn't work long
term so I think separating out and
really recognizing that if you stop and
think about it all you control is like
what you feel that is the only thing if
you cannot feel it you cannot control it
literally show me someone who can
control anything outside of themselves
and this is where people will say and
this is you know but I can say
particular things I can work harder yeah
you can do all that stuff but you don't
actually control what happens so all you
can do is take the right action and then
like you know I remember like I I
learned this because one day I was in
the emergency room and a patient came in
with three gunshot wounds so this
person's dying right and it's like we're
going to do everything that we can but
holy [ __ ] like we don't know if this
person's going to live or die like we we
just can't do it and this is like one of
the best hospitals on the planet right
amazing attend attending This brilliant
trauma surgeon and like we just can't
save this like we don't
know and think about how advanced
medicine is think about all these tools
we have we have antibiotics and we have
MRIs and CT scans and we literally like
we can take we can take someone's heart
out of their body we can give them
somebody else's heart and we can we can
replace your heart we can replace your
kidneys but we can't save life there may
be graph versus host disease like you
never know so that's number one second
thing is just dissolve the ego the
moment that you dissolve your ego which
is if we look at things like you there
even studies now of psychedelics for
example and psychedelics and Trauma and
if you look at the studies of people who
use psychedelics for the healing of
trauma you can measure You can predict
whether there will be a therapeutic
Improvement based on the type of
psychedelic experience they have so if I
see cool colors and patterns I won't be
healed if I have specifically an ego
death experience that's what correlates
with healing so a lot of of and this is
also what the yogis and and the Buddhist
people and Buddha and all these people
figured out is the more that you
dissolve your ego the more content you
will be what do you mean when you say
dissolve the
ego what are
you person what does that mean I guess
my experience of me is thoughts and
identi
what is identity a sense of self a story
that I tell myself so those are two
different
things which one are you really so if I
were to ask who is Chris Williamson what
would you
say person
podcaster okay so this is where there's
certain specific features of the ego so
Chris Williamson is dot dot dot is a
factor of your a humar or your ego
podcaster man Chad savior loser or
whatever all of those but the the truth
of the matter is scientifically those
are not real things right I can't biops
you and find a podcaster these are
abstractions of the Mind loser winner
what does that mean one person has a
trophy one person doesn't have a trophy
that's what makes him a winner or loser
but what if someone cheats is a cheater
a winner no those are two different
things but hold on a second I thought we
said winners have
trophies right so these are all
abstractions of the mind and your first
answer was the correct one which is that
you are that which experiences this
person's life you are a sense of
experience that's it the rest of it is
like glommed on and if we sort of think
about it right so even if we think about
the things that we think of as our
identity so a man having an identity as
a man can change nowadays so I've always
been allo sort of but I wasn't always a
doctor I wasn't always a father but I
was still me so if you really look at
the true essence of what you are it is
not any attribute that you can put on a
piece of paper it it is you are the
bundle of sensory experiences that lives
your life and that's all you are the
rest of it can change the rest of it is
fluctuating the rest of it is an
abstraction you cannot x-ray someone and
find a winner or loser that is a
judgment by someone else's mind and a
judgment by your mind and this is where
I hate to break it to you but a judgment
by your mind is not reality a judgment
by somebody else's mind is not reality
if it was then people could judge and
say oh this person's I judge I think
this person's a millionaire does that
put a million dollars in your bank
account [ __ ] no they're thoughts
thoughts are not reality it's crazy but
we all live in this world where we think
thoughts are reality they're not and
this is where people will say but what
about what about the the EIC like you
know what if people treat you a certain
way that'll affect your life all that
stuff is true there is a reality of how
people will treat you but that doesn't
make you who you are how people treat
you is how people treat you does that
kind of make sense like even the
language that we use there's a
difference between treated a certain way
and what you are and the more that you
look at it you know and this is where
like you can take a [ __ ] you can be
president of the United States you can
be a dictator you can be Hitler you can
be an influencer you can be a child you
can be a bum we all take shits we're all
human at the end of the day and so there
are certain practices like shuna is like
the the Sanskrit word for null or zero
or void so there's some practices that
you can do in meditation that like you
literally dissolve your your sense of
identity and the more that you do it
it's liberating because if you really
think about it who is the person that
suffers it's the ego so I'm a medical
doctor today which means that if one day
someone takes away my medical license
then I will suffer I will get Pride from
my medical license and I buy myself some
degree of suffering from losing my
medical license the moment that I become
a Bo a father I get some joy in life
from that identity and I also open
myself up to suffering if my kids ever
say they hate me or something bad
happens or whatever so we don't realize
that if you really pay attention the
majority of people's suffering in life
comes from their sense of identity
because oh I'm number one the moment
that you become number one you open
yourself up to becoming number two and
the suffering that goes with
it right so you have to get rid of the
pride and you have to get rid of the
shame get rid of all of it and then
people are like but then what am I going
to do and this is where I I challenge
you Chris think about the best moments
in your life the best moments in your
life is when you're you really need to
take a piss you really need to take a
piss you really need to take a piss and
then you run into the bathroom and all
the urinals are occupied and then you're
like oh [ __ ] and then someone finishes
up thank God you take a piss ah
Bliss what difference does it make
whether you have 1 million subscribers
or 2 million subscribers who the [ __ ]
cares you needed a urinal you got to
take a piss that pleasure is the same
for you it's the pleasure of someone who
has a homeless person the pleasure of
eating food when you're hungry the
pleasure of walking down the beach
the pleasure of sitting down and
relaxing the pleasure of being able to
close your eyes there's some material
benefits that come from that but and
this is really what it means so you have
to separate you have to realize that all
you are is that which you can feel
you're just a the body that's it and I
mean you can make all this stuff who
knows maybe there's a a nuclear fallout
or something crazy happens a meteor hits
this and then oh my God all your effort
is down the drain you can't control that
all you can control is what you do and
so then something beautiful happens this
I've seen this so much with so I did a
lot of mental health work for doctors
and what I saw is some doctors tore
themselves apart because they attach
themselves to the outcomes of their
patients I learned this on pediatric
oncology because in pediatric oncolog
you have kids who have cancer and
sometimes they die and the only way you
can sleep at night is not about whether
the child lives or dies because it's
these are highly aggressive like myomas
and leukemias and things like that bad
cancers the only way you can sleep at
night is if you did the best that you
could and so specifically with that
person with the three gunshot wounds
like that was my moment of like
discovering like am I going to sleep at
night could I have done anything else no
and so then you can sleep at peace
because you did everything that you
could do and you had the power to do
what if you could have done something
else that's the beauty of it so if you
could have done something else the
beautiful thing about ego and when you
eliminate ego is you ask yourself that
question and there's no ego that has to
protect itself from the answer so once
you eliminate you say I could have done
something else and then you suffer for a
moment but the next day when you wake up
you do better and then the next day you
wake up you do better next day you wake
up you [ __ ] do better so in my case it
was failed out of college went to India
learned this principle I Woke Up This is
embarrassing so I was a kid who had
graduated with a 2.5 GPA when I
graduated from medical school I did not
go to the award ceremony because it
never dawned I never looked at my grades
because I didn't give a [ __ ] about my
grades I was like I'm Gonna Learn
medicine I'm gonna try to be a doctor
this is what I was gonna do I won two
Awards I didn't even show up because it
never dawned on
me that I could have won anything
because I'm the loser I'm the guy who
barely I'm a guy who got rejected from
120 medical
schools and so like absolutely if you
can do better you look at that but
remember doing better is in these hands
so you should 100% do that do everything
you can with these hands 100% don't shy
away from the fact that you could have
done better and that's how you sleep at
night but it's not a comment on your
selfworth as an individual how you do
the things that you
do so so that's where I I mean I would
say that in a weird way that is a
comment right so if you are unhappy with
your actions then by all means think
less of yourself MH the beautiful thing
is that once you reach this egoless kind
of state and you think less of yourself
it becomes very easy to correct it
because in your control absolutely
y but yeah I mean I think you should
feel some amount of Shame and
disappointment then you wake up the next
day and it's in these hands it's shame
and disappointment in your actions not
shame and disappointment in the
outcomes both all of the above I think
it's fine I thought you didn't have
control over the outcomes you don't have
controls over but but you do have
control over your actions right so so
and that's where I think it gets a
little bit tricky but you could I think
this is where people get stuck a lot the
time they confuse actions and outcomes
could I have done better well maybe I
could I could have done more I should
have would have could yeah so so that's
where I would say in my experience as
you notice the shortcomings in your
behavior that's what you should correct
but even if you had done that it's not
clear that the outcome would have
changed right no one can look at
alternate universes and actually collect
data that's what your mind may tell you
so that's why I say like still focus on
yourself and if you're not happy with
your actions by all means correct that
compassion man compassion for ourselves
compassion for other people it's uh so
funny I think for a long time I
wanted the the masculine urge to be seen
as a competent
hardworking achieving sort of guy uh and
compassion seems like weird and fluffy
and and weak and you shouldn't really
play around with that but I'm pretty
quickly coming to believe I think it's
like it's a genuine strength and it's
something that I'm trying to cultivate
more for myself and for other people as
well yeah and I think there's there's a
beautiful wisdom in what you just said
mod wisdom um so I think you said I I
used to want to be seen if you pay
attention to your language that's ego
ego is about the way that you you were
seen not about who you
are and the beautiful thing about
compassion is if you think about people
who are ego and are concerned about ego
and selfworth their attention is on
themselves how do other people see me
I'm always looking at this and how this
will be perceived the moment that you
focus on compassion you stop looking at
here and you start looking at actually
human being that's why compassion also
eliminates ego so if you look at all of
these religious Traditions it's super
cool because there's psychological
Neuroscience support for a lot of these
like religious and spiritual traditions
and why did Jesus say like do good to
other people and in in Hinduism we have
a himsa and we have that in Buddhism too
so it's why compassion because
compassion actually eliminates the ego
because what is it that makes it hard
for people to be compassionate it's
because I'm so caught up on this I can't
afford to care about someone else
because my needs are not being met and
and when I look at all these people who
are adversely judging Jordan Peterson or
Jonah Hill or whoever Taylor Swift take
your pick me you what I tend to find is
that the people who hate other people on
the internet often times cannot afford
to be compassionate because of something
going on in their life right who is it
that is spending the time to just make
random toxic comments on the internet
these are
not many of these people I don't think
have fulfilling lives that's been my
experience anyway I don't know
so compassion is beautiful at at
dissolving ego we'll get back to talking
to Dr K in one minute but first I need
to tell you about momentus you might
have heard me say that I took my
testosterone from 495 to 1006 last year
and two of the supplements I used
throughout that were FID doio aesus and
tonat Al I first heard Dr Andrew hubman
talk about these really impressive
effects which sound great Until you
realize that most supplements don't
actually contain what they're
advertising MST make the only NSF
certified fed doji Regus and tonat Ali
on the planet that means they're tested
so rigorously that even Olympic athletes
can use it and that is why I partnered
with them so if you're not performing in
the gym or the bedroom the way that you
would like this is a fantastic place to
begin to naturally improve your
testosterone and there is a 30-day money
back guarantee so you can buy it try it
for 29 days and if you do not like it
they will give you your money back plus
they ship internationally right now you
can get 20% off everything sitewide by
going to the link in the show notes
below or heading to live mous.com slod
wisdom using the code modern wisdom a
checkout that's Liv M O M NT o us.com
mod wisdom and code modern wisdom a
checkout