The Last House Review - I'm Dead Inside

Crapflix has a new streamer. It's called The Last House. That's probably the name Chad GPT suggested. The film is about a family of four dumb asses who get locked in their own house. And it turns out the entire neighborhood, possibly the world, is in the exact same boat. What's keeping them from walking out the front door? What's keeping them from breaking a window and shimmying out the side of the house? Well, you're going to have to watch to find out. No, just kidding. I'm going to tell you what happens because this movie sucks ass. I guess I gave away the game early. You know, some critics have to pretend to be drunk all the time to talk about this stuff. I do it sober. I do have a big ass nas energy drink though, so maybe I'll get a heart attack and die before I finish talking about this pile of [ __ ] Oh god, that sucks. There's probably going to be spoilers for this one, but I'll wait until a little later before I get into them. And so without any further poo poo, let's talk about the next film your grandma put on while she did the dishes. It's a Netflix joint. [music] Before I get into this movie and tell you what's really Kraken, [laughter] that's a that's a a pun because this movie could feature Kraken. It doesn't. It doesn't feature Kraken, but it would be cool if it did. It'd be cool if anything of substance took place in this movie. Uh feel free to sub to the show, Adam does Movies. I would appreciate it. I'd love to have you. It's a Friday night and you're feeling all right. You got the family at the house. You order up some Zah, short for pizza. You get on the couch, you put on Fuckflixick, and you decide to check out what's popular, what's trending, what's new, what's streaming. And greeting you on that front page is The Last House. D. It's an hour and 52 minute long PG13 mystery thriller. I say it's PG-13, but might as well be G. Truly nothing of consequence or interest happens at this entire almost 2-hour affair. I remember Bird Box being pretty good. When did that come out? That was a good Netflix original. When did When did that come out? Like 1987. I watched this film before even calling it a film. a digital experience with my wife and daughter and we were laughing at the film about 5 minutes in and from that point on we pretty much were laughing constantly at the absurdity at the stupidity and at the sheer nonsensical nature of the whole thing. All right, so we got this family. It's a mama. It's a papa and it's two little children. They're at the house. They're about to head out for the day to pick out a Christmas tree in the pouring rain as one does. I I unfortunately uhoh dumbass the front door is locked. Or maybe it's not. But some reason he can't open it. So they try the back. Then they try the windows. And then things get a little bit more desperate. And the father Jason tries to start breaking [ __ ] Today's one of them days. I'm like a chainsaw. What a skinny ass raw. I could probably choke myself out with this. We'll wait. We'll wait. Set this over here for the time being. The movie keeps going and it never ends. Nothing is ending in this world. It's just a constant. It's just a presence. I have amounted to nothing. And here I am again talking about another crap streamer. They're making tons of money. They're getting all the incentives. Meanwhile, I'm here with my dick in my hand talking about a movie that maybe five people will watch, but everybody will put on at some point. and then they will defend the film. I didn't actually watch the whole thing. I fell asleep at some point, BUT FROM WHAT I SAW, IT WAS pretty good. That is truly the state of things. Like, I will actually fully sit through this garbage factory and give you a thoughtout review, try to entertain in the process, and yet in the comments, I will get the most magical amount of sheer ignorance imaginable. Now, don't get it twisted. If you like the film, that's great. I'm just here to tell you my personal opinion, and it's not the right one. It's just mine. There is truly [snorts] nothing worth praising in this outside of some decent visuals. The cinematography is fine. I mean, it obviously has that super high polish digital stank to it, but the effects work. The practical stuff is all very well done. We're naturally going to have some CG abominations later. They're a range from that looks like Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean to oh my god, it's just blobs of CG flying around and the camera doesn't know what to do. I'm not even sure there's a real camera even in these scenes. It's just kind of moving around frantically. If your eyes get hurt by constant flashes of light, you might want to tread lightly for a little bit because there are a couple scenes where there's a lightning storm and the white is just going in your face constantly. My daughter had to look away several times like the Ark of the Covenant itself WAS OPENING UP. LOOK AWAY, CHILD. LOOK AWAY. SO, what are we going to be doing here for the majority of the film? Well, for the bulk of it, we're just settled in with the family as they go through old records as they dance around the house once in a while and just enjoy each other's company. But outside, something sinister is taking place. What is that? Unclear, cuz we never really figure that out. The story seems to not know which direction it wants to go. What What are you thinking about doing? Where are you going with this one? From the opening narration, which is I I believe the daughter doing so, and she'll continue to talk adnauseium throughout, it would appear there's other survivors because she keeps saying, "We all remember where we were on that fateful day." But we all is what, the four of you? Because we we never see anyone else in this movie outside of the first act. And once again at the end, she's still talking as this allencompassing thing like everyone across the world knows what happened on a Tuesday of whatever month and year. Uh, [ __ ] what are you talking about? There's four of you. You know what's worse than watching a movie that has way too much to say? Watching a movie that has absolutely nothing to say. I thought because the neighbors were all trapped inside and the daughter's opening narration talks about how people don't really know each other. They don't get out and meet and greet and have potlucks and neighborhood dance parties anymore and key parties where the parents are all banging each other and it's just not as fun anymore. I Hey, I agree. I'm trying to get my wife on board. It's It's not happening. Something needs to shake up and spice up this relationship because we're home on a Friday night watching some garbage crap factory spit out on Netflix. What a sad state of affairs. But I digress. Uh, yeah, she's like, "We don't talk to each other." So, we're going to have an opening act where people are communicating like they do in Dawn of the Dead or like they do in The Gorge and a bunch of other films, which is through writing and interpretive dance, maybe just the first part, not the second, but they have the whiteboard with the marker and they just and they start communicating with each other. Hello, neighbor. How are you? Do you have any food? How hot is your wife on a scale from 1 to 10? And so I was thinking to myself, all right, is this some sort of an allegory for COVID when we were all locked inside and didn't have that human connection? Nah. Is this going to go somewhere the communicating with THE OTHERS AROUND? NAH. Is the film going to properly explain how this is happening and what's causing? NO. NO. You'll get a little sprinkling of it here and there, but for the most part, this is just fully up for interpretation, and it's not enjoyable to interpret. If you're looking for scares, look somewhere else. There's none. If you're looking for tense, creepy moments, not a chance. Like I said, this might as well be a G-rated film. It is so lame across the board. And I don't know if you heard this before or read articles or whatnot, but Netflix has decided in their infinite wisdom to start incorporating their dialogue in a way such that if people aren't watching the TV, they still know what's going on and don't miss a beat. And so take the whiteboard for example. when he's writing on it, he's saying to the audience exactly what he wrote and he reads back out loud what's being reciprocated. Are you insane? No one does that. Maybe you do it once or twice, but you don't do it like hello. How are you? I'm okay. Great. My wife's a six out of 10. Bummer. But looking at you, that's actually a good pull. No one acts or talks like this in the real world, but Netflix knows that no one's actually sitting and watching these movies to completion. And by completion, I mean to climax, of course. Uh they're sitting on their phones on the couch. Once in a while, they look up. Oh, okay. Swipe, sweep, swipe. Oh, okay. Nothing. Still nothing's happening. Oh, good. I don't actually have to watch. They're telling me what they're doing. I'm just going to go up these stairs and around the corner and find a harpoon gun that I leave under the bed as all rational people do. I don't know if I've gotten into spoilers yet, but we're going to we're going to go ahead and jump in. This movie blows ass. We'll just we'll just lead with that. I kind of already led with that 5 minutes, Richard Brier, but okay. So, we're going to spend an eternity in this house with nothing happening outside of lumbering creatures once in a while being in the in their vicinity. There are several hilariously dumb foreshadows. They have a dog who's sick and it needs dog medicine, but they only have a few pills left. My wife instantly said, "They're eating that [ __ ] dog." She didn't swear. I'm adding it in for a little bit of a flourish. They also have two fat fish. Plump for the biting. I said right away, "Those fish are getting filleted." In perhaps one of the stupidest scenes ever put to screen, the dad is bored one day because months are going by. Eventually, five full years will go by, but let's stick with like the first couple months. The dad, Jason, I believe, has his daughter Ruth, who's around eight, grab a couple of her least favorite dolls. He's going to put on a little workshop for the kids. Graham is the son. He's 12. The father, by the way, has a very thick, rich accent. I can't understand half of what he says, and I don't like him. He's annoying to me. He's very overthe-top at times. The mother, Ann, played by Greta Lee, very nice on the eyes. Um, can't act where [ __ ] in this movie. I heard she's very good in a different thing, but not the thing I watched. I guess she's solid in past lives. I'm only familiar with her work in Tron Aries. Can't say I was impressed there. And here she is hamming it up. I don't believe anything she's doing. It's It's just really bad. Not knocking her as an actress. I'm knocking the performance though. And that could totally be at the fault of the director. But what whatever. It doesn't matter. Either way, awful. Let me weave back. Okay. The dad's with the kids. He now has three dolls in his possession, one for each of them. Pops the head off and he takes some knives out for the children. The little girl's all into it. She's like, "All right, papaya. What are we going to do?" and he shows them on stuffed animals how to fillet a fish one time. Now, I don't know if you filleted a fish before. It is absolutely nothing like filleting a stuffed animal. There are a lot of bones. There are a lot of like little things you have to cut around to get that nice little thin fillet slice out depending on the size of the fish. I suck at it and I've I've done it a bunch of times. But it turns out all I needed was one lesson from this guy to know how to do it properly because later in the film, Graham's going to walk into the room with a plate and four freshly laid, perfectly cut fish fillets for the family. And we don't even get the service of seeing him beat those fish to death before he cut them up. And yes, they do have dog chops later, too. The dog sadly dies and and the dad cuts up the body parts and puts them in the fridge. We don't see any of that. All we see is THE DOG LIKE, "GOODBYE, JASON. Don't eat me. Don't eat your friend. Shut up, dog. We're going to eat YOU LATER." JASON, DON'T EAT ME, JASON. His voice keeps changing. You're going to die, dog. And if you don't die soon, I kill you faster. You can't kill me. SEE, I'M YOUR BEST. SEE, [snorts] [screaming] and that kids is how you kill a dog and chop up the body parts. Okay, we go. Capich? Bada bing, bada bang, bada boom, bada penis. That that that one's for me. I'll take this later. Speaking of uh body parts and feeding animals, that's going to be another major deal in this film. They are eventually going to run out of food and they are eventually going to run out of pets to eat. So, they have to rely on the wildlife outside. How are they going to get out there and fish though without opening that front door? Well, they're going to have an easy access point through the chimney. Yeah, it turns out the chimney's damaged and the foundation of this house sucks and they haven't been paying their bills for a while because they're a bunch of deadbeat loser parents. But that's a side plot we don't really need to go into much. We just see them burn up some letters that say like, "Can you pay your house bill?" What we are going to see though is one kill in the entire film off camera pretty much where a jogger who was stuck outside earlier in the movie is going to run up to the house at night. Help me. Let me in. And the family's on the other side eating popcorn and [snorts] you know we can't open the door. You know that. And she's going to get grabbed by a tentacle monster to which I thought, "Okay, now we're now we're getting somewhere. I've seen stuff like this before online." And she gets pulled away and presumably killed. You hear the blood curdling screams in the distance. The family reacts AS ANYONE WOULD. OH MY GOD. OH, SHUT THE CURTAINS. Get away from the windows. And then the next day comes and they go, "You know what? Why don't we have little Ruthie, who's eight years old, scale the [ __ ] chimney and try to get out of the top? What I could just like if I could just attach this up here that I think that would work. We'll save that for later." Yeah. Not even a day after they watched a girl get murdered outside by some giant water monster, they think to themselves, "You know what? the daughter could climb up the chimney and see what's up, see what's happening. And so the dad, who I guess was an engineer at some point, starts maggyvering a bunch of stuff around the house. He sets up this pulley system to bring his daughter up to the chimney, and she almost falls down and dies, but you know, who cares? And then he's going to rig up some fishing equipment so that he can cast a line over the side of the chimney down the house and trap little critters, squirrel, skunks for some reason. That's good eating, folks. And he's going to reel THAT SOME [ __ ] IN. HEY, WE'RE EATING good tonight, folks. Little bunny eating a carrot. Don't eat me. Don't eat me. I want to live. Don't eat me. He just beats it to death with his fist stone cold. [laughter] THERE'S PLENTY MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM. ALL RIGHT. WHERE'S PLENTY MORE? YEAH, these guys are going to be eating a lot of nature. Again, it's all G-rated, though. We don't get to see it. We just get them reeling it in. And then the implication, you know, there's there's one point where they look like they're having some KFC around the table. That's good. Yeah, that's good. Could you uh pass the porcupine, please? Thank you. What else? What else? What else? I mentioned the neighbors and how that was kind of a thing for about 20 minutes and then the the story just gives up on that. Everybody's just dead. There are a couple comical scenes where people are constantly just doing stuff in front of their windows, beating their wives, dying in front of the family room window. That's my favorite. The the the man or the the old lady, I can't remember who, it doesn't matter. She collapses and the little girl Ruth sees this and goes, "Papa, is she going to be okay?" And the dad just sits there. No, she's not. WHO WANTS DOG CHOPS? Little Ruth, eight years old, mind you, she starts balling, of course. What a douche. It's just It's just good stuff. Unintentionally funny. All right. So, from what I can gather, after these five years go by, where the family has grown, the kids are uh different actors when the film ages up, their house has completely changed. They have a nice farm fresh field growing straight from the floor. It really does shine a new light on farmtotable eating. The dad now has his fisherman's chair pulley system automated somehow. Oh, I guess he managed to harness the power of AI only using spare parts from his car in the garage and of course fueled by the blood of their dead dog. No, that that's maybe not how that happened. But eventually all stations have to come to an end and ding ding dong, one of the bad fish is at the front door. He lets himself in. Squidward is home. Timu Davy Jones enters the home, starts slithering around. He gets his saltwater skin all over everything. It ruins the crops. It ruins the furniture. Oh my god, what a mess. And so the kids are just kind of at their wits end. The whole family is That's it. I'm sick of this. Poor Graham is 17 years old. He wants to leave more than anyone else. I'm sick OF IT HERE. I HATE THIS PLACE. I'VE BEEN JERKING IT TO MY MOM AND SISTER for four freaking years. This is ridiculous. And so after some heavy argumentation, it's decided they're going to home alone their house, booby trap it up, and then ring that dinner bell for the wet bandits to come inside again. And it's very stupid. They show the kind of like the armor up deal where they're like attaching [ __ ] to baseball bats and they're loading up their squirt guns and they're booby trapping different parts of the house only for none of it to have any payoff at all outside of some insane freaking nonsense where they strapped a long cord to the car in the garage and snaked it up all the stairs to the attic where they're at. As the water is [ __ ] flooding this place and there's Squidwards swimming all over, they hold their breath for what felt like 18 minutes straight and then they pulled on this ball that pulled on the rope that shot the guy over into the mouse trap and it did something and all the CGI blew up all over the screen. And then they get out of the house. The house collapses in on itself like a dying star. And they think, "Hey, now that we're out of the house, why don't the four of us get on a [ __ ] boat and sail out across the ocean? WHAT?" And they set this whole Mickey Mouse [ __ ] up for a sequel. Are you out of your [ __ ] mind with this? Just forgot about the best part. So, we don't actually know why they were locked in their house. It had something to do with magic rain that was healing any sort of destruction they would do to the doors or window. It's just magic. And where did it come from? Well, it's kind of inferred, I guess, that the creatures from the water were doing it. They can control the sky because there's like mermaids and mermen and these Davy Jones Squidward people and probably other stuff that we never see. But that's as far as the plot goes. It's nothing really about, you know, man versus nature, about climate change, about anything. It's just nothing. It's nothing has nothing to say. And having nothing to to say is fine. I don't need a message in a movie. But if you don't have that, at least if you don't have any layer to your story, at least have it be interesting on its face. At least have some exciting stuff take place. At least have some lore or or like a solid concrete foundation. Ironically, this doesn't just like their house. But we uh have to get to the crux of the story, the the real meat and potatoes of it all. What really turns the tide so so to speak, and that's going to be at the end when they are drowning underwater for for 20 hours straight. And they tr they actually trap Squidward to the car. This pulley system reels him in, slams him against the side of the door, and the cables are pulling into his skin. The dad is about to axe him to death, but then the little girl goes, "Papa, let me axe him something first." And she starts to try to communicate with the the creature. And she explains to the dad that they need to show some sympathy. They need to show some restraint just like those creatures didn't do to anyone else. And so he he walks away, drops the axe, ting, and then the magical creature thing opens the front door. The family goes outside. Other CG monsters surround them. Crab people. Crab people. This time I'MMA LET IT ALL COME OUT. FRED DURST IS THERE for some reason. But before they can pounce, the one that they saved COMES OUT. WAIT, NO. BUT IT SPEAKS IN ITS NATIVE TONGUE. [laughter] All righty then. The translation for me said, "Hey guys, you know all the awful humans on this planet that we killed by trapping them into their houses using a a magical Harry Potter spell, but these four people let me live." And so I think there's still some magic in that old silk hat we call human nature. We should let them live. Let's head back into the ocean. We have a lot of it now. We expanded our territories and we'll just kind of let the chips fall as they may in the future. Speaking of chips, who's hungry? All right, let's go get some fish and chips down under the sea. And that's it. They leave the family. Mhm. Yep. That's That's exactly what I thought would happen. Ruthie takes off in a mad sprint. I'm running. I'm happy. I'm on land. I'm out of my house. Let's get in a boat. I want to be constrained as much as humanly possible now that I have freedom. I want to be isolated to a small boat with you dumb asses. Instead of searching out other people, let's head off into the wide open ocean. That's exactly what they do. What an achievement in cinema. The Last House should be the last straw for me when it comes to Netflix originals. But obviously, as it's been established, I hate myself. And I'm even at the point where I'm looking at a little computer cable thinking this will do the trick. But in all reality, you cannot kill that which is already dead. All right, there you have it. My thoughts on The Last House. Let me know if you saw this movie in the comments below. Maybe you feel like you already did just now. Either way, I'd love to hear from you. Please think of subbing to the show. Adam does movies. It's perfectly free of charge. doesn't cost you a dime. You can follow me on socials as well. I've I've been trying to post more to the gram and the and the talk as no one calls it. And I would love to see you around those areas as well. All right, that's all I got for you. Hope to see you next time. Take care. Jason, it's your dog Roffus. You can't kill old Roffus. That's not his name, but that's what I'm CALLING HIM. COME ON, JASON. I'M still alive somehow. I've reattached my body parts. I want to I WANT TO SEE MY family again. I JUST WANT TO HOLD YOU AGAIN. I OH, THERE'S ONE OF those squid people. What was What is he? Hey, could you help me? Could you come over? Thanks again for watching the video. If you didn't know, I'm a oneman operation here at Adam's Movies. I also have a full-time job. I got a family to take care of. 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