The Hard Truth About “Working on the Relationship” - Matthew Hussey

So much of what is being navigated in relationships is just a straight up lack of compatibility. I had this idea that it's far easier to date somebody who compensates for our shortcomings than it is to fix them. >> So if you are the sort of person that likes to go to bed at 9:00 p.m. and your partner wants to go out clubbing three nights a week, there is going to be tension there and you're going to have to navigate it. Now, maybe the rest of the relationship is so good that this slightly major thing of a different [ __ ] sleeping pattern can be navigated through because everything else is great. But for the most part, there's going to be other stuff that comes along for the ride that you also don't agree on. Now, if you have to compromise your sleep two nights a week and they have to not go out one night a week, both of you aren't getting the thing that you want, right? It is much there is somebody out there who would love to party three nights a week. allow them to find them. There is someone that would adore going to bed with you at 9:00 p.m. every single night and wants that homebody life. Go and find them. And so much of the uh the issues where people are trying to navigate this stuff is a lack of compatibility. Same thing goes for this. I think a lot of the guys who say, "I opened up to my partner. Okay, so you feelings. That's good. Congratulations. You faced the scary thing, right? As a man, you face the scary thing and my partner was turned off. They weren't for you. that partner was not the person who can hold you in your wholeness, right? In your truth, in your full expression of who you are, allow them to go and find someone who is never going to open up their emotions to them. They don't need to worry about those icks. They're never going to get that ick because homeboy is never going to [ __ ] talk about it. Enjoy that. Enjoy this emotionless barren wasteland of no one ever talking about their emotions. And maybe that's the guy that if you put him on a [ __ ] poster, you can say he's masculine and he's going to stand up. It's like, great, you can date him. I'm going to go find someone who melts at the prospect of me being able to feel my feelings and then allows them to be a springboard for me to go and [ __ ] destroy in the world outside. Like that amount of compatibility and so much of like the memes that exist online are basically people saying, "I dated someone whose demeanor and disposition did not match mine and my preference, and look at how everything broke apart. allow me to create a broad rule of human nature overall from what is actually just you mixing vinegar and baking soda together. >> Yeah. And that that what you just described is I think how people get more and more into these uh hyperpolarized echo chambers online because they they've had an experience. It's been a very painful experience. They then go in search of other people who have had that experience and they hear more of it. And I'm not saying communities where people talk together about what they've been through aren't powerful because they are. But what it can be instead is this, you know, I talk I talk in the in in my book about this idea of the wall, like staring at the wall. you know, the the very famous self-development trope, you know, the race car driver Mario Andretti said, you know, his advice for race car driving, don't stare at the wall. Your cars go, your car goes where your eyes go. And but that I don't think people take that concept far enough in terms of what it really means. We all have our wall, right? Let's say it's people can't hand people women don't like when I'm vulnerable, right? That's my wall. I was vulnerable with someone once and they rip my heart out. And so now I go in search of other people who have that wall as well. And all of us together stand there and point at the wall and we keep talking about the wall and we find more evidence for the wall everywhere we can find it. We go out in search for it. Anytime we hear a story about it, we say, "Here, look. this has happened again. >> And the wall becomes the world. It's no longer a wall. >> It's a law. >> It's life. Yeah. And that's the that's the truly dangerous part. And that's like we have to stand back from anytime I hear women generalizing about men, men generalizing about women, and I'm like be very very careful of the the little worlds that you get into. >> Yeah. turning an individual experience into a globalized law. >> I had there's a there's a um the other day I was on Instagram, my algorithm fed me a guy, one of those little skit videos where it was a guy saying me doing XYZ because I don't have kids. >> Mhm. >> So, it was like me waking up at 8 8:00 a.m. because I don't have me eating pizza at night because me checking my bank account that's so high because I don't have kids. It was like all of that and there were thousands of comments on this and I was like waiting for I was like, "Oh, and people are people are going to be like tearing this guy to shreds in the comments about like how this is such a one-dimensional view and blah blah blah." No, thousands of comments from people just being like, "Yeah, me too. I'm, you know, I I don't have to do anything on my weekends and >> I'm facing the wall along with you." >> Yeah. But in it was like just like everyone who had that wall apparently the algorithm found them and [laughter] all of >> it picked it picked you wrong. You're ready to pop at the moment >> for sure. Yeah. in the next couple of weeks. Like, but it's a funny thing for me as someone who was, you know, is having my first child with my wife who's like watching this and going, and by the way, looking at it and going, I know that there was a me that was scared of commitment and having kids and all of that, that really would have related to the things in this video. Well, the the problem that you have with these is that there is a cohort of men out there for whom that is the life that they want and probably is the life that they should lead. You're like, you'd suck as a dad and you shouldn't make yourself one. Please continue to do that. Right? It's the same as it's the same as uh women that say like all men are trash or whatever. Like if you make these sweeping statements, one of the wonderful sort of ways to uh neutralize uh the the the conversation and also it makes you feel pretty good too. It's like men are trash and like I'm I'm done with men. It's like okay feel free and you allow somebody to take the route that they want. The same thing with that guy. It's like I'm so happy living his life. It's like dude great for you. You'd have been an awful dad anyway. [snorts] It's like okay well which one is it big boy? Like which one do you want? Do you want to be able to have the um counterculture [ __ ] black sheep hetradox cynicism points or do you want to be able to say that you could have been this would have been good at this but have chosen the other one I I I don't think that these two worlds are compatible and allowing someone to like there's enough rope dude crack on >> yeah well we're not good at I don't we don't like the complexity of of life and so we do kind of gravitate towards very simple like argue. I remember when I was single, I had I remember watching Guardians of the Galaxy, the first one, and seeing, you know, Chris Plat Pratt playing Star-Lord, and it became like this emotional button for me for why being single was awesome. >> Okay. Cuz this renegade >> Yeah. I was like I was like, "Yeah, I'm Star-Lord." [laughter] So stupid. But like you know how these funny things get in our head and they make sense to we're like yeah like that that's how how great is it and I get it like I really understand it. It makes a lot of sense to me why we do those things. Now that I'm having a child I'm looking at like Finding Nemo >> and going like oh that movie is now like got a whole new meaning to me and how exciting to so like I get it. I get why we it's a kind of survival mechanism. But it's also a coping mechanism, right, that that we go to these places to to lean into our choices or to to our, you know, lack of choices. And and so I get it, but it's a very dangerous we're we're living in a a really dangerous time belief wise where your algorithm will really pull you into these little worlds of people who all have the same wall >> that you do and celebrate it together. And it and you in some ways those are exactly the kind of people sometimes that you need to be able to stand back from because the people when I want to go somewhere different than where I've been. The people I want to be around are people who don't have my wall at all. >> They're like they don't they're not they don't even they're not even aware of my wall. If I explained my wall to them, they'd be like, >> "What? >> Wait, really? You've had that experience or you feel that way or whatever?" It's like not real to them. And I I had a boxing trainer who he he told me a story of going into this was in London and he went into like he he was training a like a lawyer and this lawyer took a shine to him and was like come out for a drink one night and you know he took him somewhere like really nice and he takes this rough and ready boxing coach from the east end of London into the west end and they go out to this like really beautiful place in Soho and he's at the bar and my boxing trainer, the guy that I know is explaining the story to me. He said, "I was standing at the bar and all of a sudden this guy that my client who's just taken me out for a drink looks at me and says, "What's wrong with you?" And my friend went, "What do you mean?" He goes, "What's wrong with you? You look like you're about to fight someone." Right. And it he said what he realized in that moment was that he had walked into this bar immediately like was sort of scanning for threats and was looking for like, you know, who's the person making bad eye contact with me who's got mean intentions towards me. And by the way, this boxing trainer is a sweetheart. >> He's a sweet inside. He's a softy. You get him talking about emotions. He'll talk. But something happened. He went into that bar and he started looking for the wall because he's a guy that's grown up around a in a rough time, rough childhood. He's had some things. He's like looking for that threat. And this guy, this lawyer who's just boxing for fun is like looking at him going, "I've brought you to a nice place. We're having a nice drink at the bar." >> And you're standing there like you're about to fight someone. Like what's going on with you? >> But the there's so much getting around someone. Did you see that clip of Shoi Otani? Um when it was like a three months ago or something. By the way, I'm going to say this as someone who knows nothing about baseball. So for all you baseball, >> I know everything about baseball, so it's fine. >> Okay, good. You can correct me along the way. Forgive me for for butchering the rules of baseball. But there's there's I I assume there is some scenario where throwing uh at the batsman >> actually makes sense in terms of like actually launching the ball at their body. >> Okay. >> Actually makes sense for some if you want to walk them. >> It's a foul ball. Yeah. >> So the pitcher just launches it Otani >> and he turns around and it cracks him on the back. And I'm only watching this this clip with the commentators, but there's this really interesting moment where like all of his teammates like they've already got one leg over the wall of the dugout where they're like about to rush the field and start fighting someone and he just stands them down. He just like in this very classy way, he just is like, "No, no, no. >> I got it." >> And the whole team stands down. And the commentators are just like this. I remember it because I thought it was such a like a beautiful moment. He goes, "This is he" He was like, "This is why this guy is going to be a legend. He he transcends the sport." Like, "This is something that you know, a normal thing. The team would rush out and his teammates just stand down because he's like, "I'm fine. He makes nothing of it." And there was a guy I read the comments and there was a guy in the comments who was like I'm a hotthead and I this is exactly the kind of situation that I would have turned into something and he said watching this is like an example of a different path. This has taught me so much. And that it what you have is a guy who's he knows what his wall is, but he's watching another guy who doesn't have that wall, >> who's got no he hasn't got that thing that says someone just wronged me. Let me turn this into a fight. It's all good. There's like you have to get around people who don't even like they don't even buy into your frame of reference cuz those are the people that are going to take you into new worlds. Those are the people that make you realize life is not there's no one reality. There's so many different realities. And get around people who by being around them and by thinking like understanding the way they think and the way they process things, it puts you in a different reality altogether. Before we continue, if your sleep's been off, taking ages to fall asleep, waking up at random times, or feeling groggy in the morning, Momentous's sleep packs are here to help. They're not your typical knock you out supplement just overloaded with melatonin. Just the most evidence-based ingredients are perfect doses to help you fall asleep more quickly, stay asleep throughout the night, and wake up feeling more rested and revitalized in the morning. That's why I take these things every single night and why I trust Momenus with my life, or the very least my sleep, because they make the highest quality supplements on the planet. What you read on the label, it's what's in the product and absolutely nothing else. 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