The Exact Words to End Any Relationship

What about when it comes to delivering bad news to people? >> It's a required life lesson. Like I there's it's impossible to not get around that. And people get really uncomfortable with it. And usually it's because they're feeling other people's feelings for them. Like that I I don't want to say that cuz that's not nice. Like they feel like they have to be nice. The real takeaway is being choosing to be kind. Like nice says it's focused all on the the surface, the pleasantries. I can't say that. I can't tell you the truth, Chris. That's That's not nice. All right. Kindness says I care enough about you to tell you the truth. Because I care about you, I need to give you this this really hard news of what it's going to This is what it's going to be. And you can use labels, simple as what we just talked about a minute ago. This is going to be some hard news. You're not going to like what I have to say. Give them a moment and then deliver the news. But what you can't do is twist the knife where you start to blame them first. All right. If you need to give bad news, like imagine if I was just going to break up with you right now. The worst thing to do about it is all of a sudden go You know, I just think you're so great Chris and you I've really enjoyed a lot of time we start talking in past tense as if like what do you >> I was enjoying that stuff. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'll just keep I'll just keep going. Um to where you know you're not you're not being straight up and being honest. And often that's sometimes the kindest thing you can do is be as direct as you can be when it comes to sad news. >> Let's say that you need to break up with a partner and you're feeling super nervous about it. How would you guide that person through the conversation? >> Well, then I would use a label. That means rather than and this is assuming you set aside time and you're not trying to do it through a text message or you know, while you're Currently that's gauche No, that's looked down on to do it over text. Yeah, yeah, it's probably not a good idea. Or you're doing it in the middle of, you know, a movie or something. Let's assume you've already put good time around this to have a good conversation. It's to say, I need to have a hard conversation with you. And then you need to first words out of your mouth need to be This isn't a relationship that I can see myself continuing in. Like you see how I all of a sudden I'm getting right to the point rather than saying, I need to have something hard. You've just been great and you know, it's not you, it's me and you know, we've just been we've had all these memories. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Instead of all that, get right to the point. And it's it's much easier. People can take bad news. It's going to have a harder impact, but the rest of it is going to be a whole lot better for you rather than trying to sound nice and be like, I don't want to upset It's all me. It's not It's not you at all. Even though that's softer in the moment, that long-term impact is going to be a whole lot worse because it goes you weren't really being honest with me. And so like even if you were need to fire somebody, bring them in. This news is probably going to shock you. I need to let you go. And that's where you get to say, I've enjoyed having you as a a person. You've done great with the company or maybe it's in a relationship. I I need to be out of this relationship. I need to move on. This is relationship isn't working for me. Whatever it is. And that's where you get to say, I've I've learned a lot from you. I've learned And whatever it is, the nice stuff, but don't start with the pleasantries and then end with the hard. I think Chris has another one which is if you're saying that you can't go to an event, say, I can't go. Or, "I can't make it." >> Yeah. >> First. >> Right. >> Don't say, "Things have got so hard recently and this chaos came up and I've got this thing and the buh buh buh buh buh buh buh and then that." At the end. It's like, just Don't bury the [ __ ] lead, dude. >> Yeah. >> Put it up top. >> I very much uh align with that. So, what I I teach is you start with the no first. Most people start with the the thanks first. They start with the gratitude. They go, "Thank you so much. I'd love to, but I can't." Um and but the word but has a way of deleting everything that came before it. >> Mhm. Mhm. >> Like, "I love you, but you're crazy." You know, whatever. >> That might be true. >> Yeah, exactly. >> things might be true. >> Oh, sure. Sure, they could. Um >> However, >> Yeah. You want to start with the no first. So, "I can't." Period. Then the gratitude. "Thank you so much for inviting me." Then add in some um kindness. "I'm sure it's going to be a great time. Hope you have a wonderful time. Knock yourselves out." Whatever it is. But, don't don't that compliment sandwich is is a little hard to chew. >> Dude, I've got a [ __ ] fantasy going on in my head of me, you, Chris Voss, and James Sexton doing an episode together. I'm going to try and make that [ __ ] happen before the end of the >> We probably could. >> I think that would be straight fire. I think that would be so much [ __ ] fun. >> Yeah. >> And I put something in the middle of the table that's remotely valuable or that most people most of you guys want. I'm like, "Hey, negotiate over this." >> Exactly. >> See, it's it's like a gladiatorial fight to the death. >> Yeah, exactly. >> Somebody somebody gets to [ __ ] I don't know I don't know who you get. Um so, you're having a difficult conversation, you're firing a member of staff, or you're breaking up with somebody, or something similar. >> Yeah. >> And during that conversation, the emotions begin to come up. And there is always this temptation to almost even bail out of the >> Mhm. >> So like politely eject to see to >> Right. >> You see that somebody begins to get upset and then the employee comes into work tomorrow. You I thought you were firing them. >> Yeah, yeah, yeah. >> You well >> Exactly. >> What about that? Because I think that a lot of people enter into conversations with the intention of doing the thing. >> Mhm. >> And leave a conversation having had this weird spaghetti junction mess. Do you know what I mean? Like when people have difficult conversations often they do not they do not finish what they meant to start. >> Yeah. >> How would you navigate through that? >> Okay, it's to me it's like people have no problem 3 minutes in a cold plunge, but give them 2 seconds having to be honest with somebody in a conversation terrifies them. >> Mhm. >> It's like okay, think of it as like a cold plunge. You start it and at the beginning what is it? You're trying to catch your breath. You're trying I can't do this and then all of a sudden what? You have some clarity and you realize I can do this and you realize your body's going through this and there will be an end to it. Same way in difficult conversation. Yeah, it's going to be a splash. I they have I have what I teach is cold cold shower conversations. As as example of those of like it's going to it's going to be a shock to the system at the beginning, but we're going to see our way out of it to where you you start to have the hard words. You've already said I we need to break up. This relationship isn't for me or I need to let you go. Whatever it is, you say the hard news and then you realize okay, I did it. Like okay, I had I said the thing and now we can have a lot more clarity. Now you've kind of gotten over it's way easier to crest the mountain when you just like go right up and then it gets down. It's when you have a slow go up. >> Yeah, bail out. >> Yeah, yeah, it's way easier. >> got that yet. I haven't got it yet. There's still time for me to avoid this mountain. >> Exactly, exactly. And so it's it's just like that. So you find ways for me in my world as an attorney. I mean I grew up in courtrooms and depositions and watching this. So, I've seen a lot of emotional fighting and yelling and all sorts of hard tactics against each other. Super adversarial. I've seen a lot of fights. Of arguments. Don't put me in a ring. I'm not I I I won't be any good in a with boxing gloves. And Sean Strickland's going to eat you alive. Oh, no. No doubt. I'd I'd I'd bail out. That's where I'd bail out. But whenever you increase your capacity to hold other people's emotion, meaning you can feel all your feelings without me holding them, and I know that I'm in control of myself and I'm going to continue to breathing through it, and I'm not going to be holding what you're presenting, the better it gets. Like the more I realize that disappointment is part of the game. Like to be a great leader, to be a great to be a good person in my world, you have to learn the art of disappointing people. In other words, telling them sometimes what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. Makes me think about when parents of missing children go on the news. What is it that they always say? We just want to know. >> Yeah. >> We just want to know because the open loop is the worst thing. >> Yeah. >> The open loop is where the most pain is. And it it I I'm sure that no parent would say this, but logically it kind of makes sense that >> Yeah. >> finding the child dead in some ways would be emotionally preferable to living for decades in the uncertainty. >> Mhm. >> And I mean, no one no parent's ever going to come out and say that, obviously. And they actually probably don't want that. But you understand what I mean. Yeah. The closing closing that loop is is what people want. Even though it's what your body is telling you absolutely not to do. >> Mhm. >> So, when you're able to break up with somebody and not leave them guessing why, or you need to fire somebody, or whatever the hard news is, and not leave them guessing why, that is you acting in alignment with integrity. That's you acting in alignment with your values. It's It's you going from nice guy to a good man. >> A quick aside, there is a stat that genuinely surprised me when I first heard it. 95% of people don't get enough fiber. 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