The #1 Issue With Today’s Singles! (From the Vault)

All right, hey, Tony Gaskins is here. Y'all got to forgive me now. I'm in my sauna. So, reason why I'm filming in my sauna is so that I can make use of this time. If I ain't got a lot to think about and stuff like that, I make use of this time so it ain't just 30 minutes that I don't let go to waste doing one thing. Now, of course, what I like to do it not on camera so I can have my shirt off in here and get a little more of this little sauna activity, but got to have a shirt on when I'm filming, but on that journey right now, you know, sometimes get a little complacent or what have you, but on that on that journey getting that body back, getting right, getting that mind right, but wanted to get on here and just talk while I'm on here doing this. Now, this Saturday, join me because the main difference is we'll have Q&A. So, you'll be able to bring your questions. We're talking about dating in the digital age. And that's on tonygaskinsacademy.com. tonygaskinsacademy.com. So, you'll see that. Sometimes I say that and people be like, "Tony, what was that site again?" Uh, yeah. You can hit pause. You can hit rewind. The video not live. tonygaskinsacademy.com. So, grab your seat. It's only $15. Ironically, a lot of people right now don't have $15. If that's you, God bless you. Keep your head up. Keep going. Don't feel bad. It is It's the economy. That's why I made it so cheap. But, dating in the digital age and that's just a little prerequisite before Destiny is launched. And we're trying to decide whether we're going to launch on Google Play Store first or the Apple Store. A lot of times the Android folks get left out, but they comprise about almost 50% of phones, too. So, we thinking about it, seeing [clears throat] which one we going to go through first, but for right now, we looking into Apple. But, wanted to talk to you because it it's it's the number one thing that I'm seeing right now, that I'm noticing, and even in talking to singles every day. And the number one thing with as a single, you probably don't want to hear this. And and one day you going to look back. If we are blessed and fortunate to live that far, you going to look back and you going to be like, "Dang, Tony. Boy, you was right. Boy, you told me. Boy, boy, you told me. Boy, I I need y'all to I I want to help you understand that the number one thing about love and relationship is companionship. It's simply about having somebody. Like, you're never going to find somebody perfect. And you're never going to find somebody that's probably even half of what you want. What what we do, for those of us who married and faithful, we fall in love with who our spouse is. But, that doesn't mean that everything about them we love. Like, we fall in love, and and and there's no full mixture. There's no full mixture of something. So, like, whatever you want, you're giving up something else. So, I'll see like women romanticizing a man who cooks and cleans. But guess what? That man is also either broke or cheating on average. So it's just not a part of the nature. Like if I'm going to go out and make a million dollars a year, I don't have the time and the focus to cook and clean. And And some people are so delusional that they want all of this stuff. The same thing goes for men when you want this woman who like just come grab you by the shirt and yank you into the kitchen and jump up on the island and have you make love to her right there or come to your office or vice versa and make love on the desk or on the couch. It's like if you pick a woman who was not promiscuous and she's not that sexual, she's not going to feel comfortable doing all of those things all the time. She might do it. You might get to that place to where she do it, but that's not going to be something that's like her go-to. And so what happens is you'll have a man who makes six figures cook and clean. And then now all of a sudden every woman thinks that that's every man and every man could do that. And then you'll have a woman who was like a virgin until marriage and then she popping pee on a handstand every day and now every man think every woman could do that. And that's just not how it works. It's not how the world works. It's not how life works. Like when you get, you give. Like when you whatever you get in a partner, you giving up something else. So, you got to know what really matters. That's what you got to be able to tell. What really matters. And then if you don't have the things that really matter, then that's when you got a problem. So, what really matters is honesty, faithfulness, loyalty. That's what really matters. Like do you have those things? Like the cooking, the cleaning, the sex, the the maintenance man, the fixing stuff around the house, the taking the trash out. All of those things are ancillary things that could be learned. Those those are things that could be learned over time. But it's not the main thing. Like that's not the most important thing. And I think that's the mistake that people make is you major in the minor. And you focusing on the wrong things. And what I'm what I'm trying to help you understand is like this world is getting more fickle and feeble. Like we getting weaker and wiser. Like what the Bible talks about. And people going to be more and more picky. Like it's going to be more picky. It's going to be more more delusion. That's the number one thing that's wrong right now is the the the amount of delusion. You know, and that's what people are getting wrong. Like it's going to be so we coming to a place to where y'all got to forgive my own North things still talking cuz uh call look like it was coming in. We coming to a place to where it's about to be so much delusion. And see, the delusion is really confusion. The delusion is confusion. And what I mean by that is with the delusion what I mean by that delusion is the confusion that the that the adversary causes because what does the Bible say? A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways and receives nothing from the Lord. So, that's why Satan confuses you. So, that you can't receive anything from the Lord. And that's where a lot of people go wrong. Is you get deluded. And so, I'm going to tell you if I was if I'm single in 2026 I'm taking what I could get. I'mma be honest with you. I'm not cutting nobody. I ain't being picky. I'm taking what I could get and if she need to lose weight, we getting up and we going to the gym every day. Like she willing to go to the gym cuz she feel like I love her. She feel like that's love. That's care. That's that's quality time. So, she going to the gym. We meal prepping. We meal prep. On Sunday, we meal prep. She her face ain't ain't ain't right. It ain't looking right. We getting Botox and filler. All that bump all that about the toxins and all that and all. We finna get that jawline together. No, we getting that nose done. We getting rhinoplasty. We getting rhinoplasty. Like you you you ain't comfortable. You you you shy faced it. You don't like this and that. Teeth ain't right. Whatever it is. Got overbite. Overlapping teeth, crooked, whatever. We we we getting braces. We getting braces. And we we both railroad track mouth and we locking braces. Like what is there that you can't fix out here? Like anything could be fixed. Like I'm not finna just come See, a lot of people don't understand. They be like, "Oh, well, now that's a reflection of they life and that's a reflection of how they live they life." No, it's just different people have different motivations. Like a lot of times somebody who might be overweight and got crooked teeth, they make six figures. Like they or or nearby. Like they're earning 70k plus. Like somebody who got a facial feature or something that's not that's abnormal or not, you know, the standard, they don't even know about the cosmetic stuff that could be done. All right, a lot of people don't even know about that stuff. Like even just lymphatic drainage, you know, stuff like that. Emsculpt, what they do for the for the abs and stuff. Like do you know what people doing like Like there's arm surgery. Like a lot of women hold a lot of weight in they in they bicep and tricep area. And that weight gets kind of, you know, right there is kind of flabby and jiggly and stuff like that. If you can't do enough curls to combat that and burn that fat and turn that into muscle. Man, there's women out here doing arm arm surgery. And they stick the little thing right in the right in the elbow area and they suction out all the fat around your tricep and your bicep. And next thing you know, you got Michelle Obama arms. And that's a real thing. You know, I've had clients do that. And then women will look at their arms and be like, "Dang, your arms are amazing, girl. You work out with Angela Bassett?" And she and she just giggle. "Ha ha, I try. I do all my best. You know how it is. It's hard out here." No, she went right under that needle. And they don't even put you to sleep on that. They just numb you. So, that's what I'm trying to tell you like same thing if you got a man like with a stomach. You got a man, he overweight. Go to the park. Walk every day. Y'all go to work, then y'all go to the park. It's like your body ain't perfect. Like take that man to the park. Meal plan. Meal plan on Sunday. Like okay, yeah, he got a stomach. He's single. He ain't got nothing else to do. He he he eating. That man grew up hungry. Like he never got to eat growing up. So, now he now he making six figures. Now now he trying to get him a little Now he want to look fried shrimp. That man eating out every night. Man ain't even running no healthy diet cuz he taking care of self. So, it's like a man ain't going to do the same thing a woman going to do. So, you got to realize and understand that. So, why you being picky about this and that this and that? And then the dumbest thing that y'all worried about is height. It's like Stop worrying about height. Like if you get with somebody and they're the wrong height, run up a bag with them. Once you touching six, high six figures, seven figures, that height out the window. You don't care nothing about that height. I I I I got a guy man that I know, white guy, two white guys. They make high six figures, seven figures. Man, the guys are like guys are like 5'4" to 5'6"-ish, something like that. 5'8" max. Wife's happy. Guess what they is. They're white. And that's the problem with a lot of black women, and that's why I want y'all to understand, and I'm going to tell you I'm going to tell you the truth cuz and you know when I'm speaking to you, come from a place of love. Now, I'm not going to tell you like the guy that talk about, "Oh, if sex ain't whatever priority, then cheating is." That that's dumb cuz that's not realistic. It's like, "Yeah, you do need to go out your way, and you do need to make a make a point to have sex, but that's not the end all, be all. And so, that's that's sex is something we want really, really, really bad, but it's not something we need. Like, you got to put like if me and my wife in a very busy season, like right now, my wife like this morning, she probably was up 5:00 in the morning. So, if you wake up 5:00 in the morning, come 10:00, you're going to be tired. My oldest son, he might not like last night, he was up till like 11:00. So, when he get ready to go to bed, he come knock on our door and come in our door. And so, it's like if I'm trying to catch my wife for some sex before 11:00, before she fall asleep, I would then have to go put my son in our bedroom, which is absolutely disgusting for a 19-year-old to go say, "Hey, son, me and your mama finna have us some quiet time. Don't come to the door. Now he in there got a picture in his head that he can't get out his head. So then I have to just forego that that night. Like I lose that night because I have kids. And that's one of the things that people don't understand. Like it ain't all about you. Like when you have kids now it's about them kids. And that woman got to worry about them kids. And a mom's worst nightmare is to have her ankles in the air and her child come in the room or come knocking on the door. Like that's a mom's worst nightmare. Like she don't want that to happen. Like that's absolutely disgusting. A lot of times as men we so we so nasty we might not care as much. Some moms don't care as much either but that come from childhood trauma. That just come from us being freaked out at a young age. That don't mean it's healthy and it's right. It's like, "Oh yeah, it's normal." But you ain't supposed to put that thought in your kids' head. That's nasty. And a lot of people don't get that. A lot of people don't understand that. And so And I got to forgive me but this song too hot and I'm in here talking too. Ooh wee. This thing extra hard to do. I'm in here talking y'all forgive me. Got that bar in my face. And so that's the reality of it. And it's like, "Yeah, is it frustrating?" Yeah, it's frustrating. But it's like you still just got to figure it out. Like you got to carve out a time. Like you got to find a time. Like you got to make something happen. Like you you may have to just say, "Hey, we going to bed earlier. Want everybody in bed by 10:00 p.m. We got to get more sleep." Now you it ain't got nothing to do with sex. It ain't got nothing to do with none of that. But that's a part of that's a part of marriage. Like that comes with it. And so I say that to say like you got to get to a place to where you can really understand what a relationship is made of. And yes, I'm not saying be with somebody crazy, but in this day and age, you might have to be Cesar Millan. You know, what do Cesar Millan do? He train dogs. You might have to be Cesar Millan. You might have to train your spouse. And I know train is a tough word, but all that means is teach. Meaning you teach them what you will and won't tolerate. So, I I deal with a lot of women who say, "Tony, all the men I'm meeting is crazy." You got to check that sucker. You got to check him. Like, you can't be passive. You can't be shutting down. You got to talk to him. Like, it's certain that's where you come to me to learn the language. You have to talk to a man and you got to speak directly to his heart. Like, you got to pierce his heart. So, I'm going to tell you what what will get a man together. You have to say to him, "Hey, I want to respect you as a man, but you're acting like a very insecure child. And that is the most unattractive thing in the world. And you have so much potential to be a smart, sexy, handsome, driven, amazing man, but you have to address the scared, punked, bully little boy that is inside of you. You have to become a man. If you want us to work and if you want to work in your life, if you want to be a multi-millionaire, if you want to be successful, you're going to have to grow a pair of balls and stop being a little B. And you're going to have to be a man. That's how you got to talk to him. And when you talk to him like that when it's cool, calm, and collected, when you're on the phone, it's it's See, y'all wait until you're so mad, you're so angry, you're screaming at the top of your lungs, and now you're cussing him out, calling him everything but a child of God. That's not emotional intelligence. That's not wisdom, and that's why you get punched. That's why you get slapped because he is a grown boy. He's a child. So, he doesn't know how to control his emotions. And I know some women say, "Tony, oh, it's never okay." We already know that. Shut up. That's not the point. The point is you're dealing with a human. So, you got to learn humans. It's a lot that's not okay that happens every day. That don't mean you're not going to lose your life for popping off at the mouth at the wrong time because we can't control how somebody else reacts, whether it's right or wrong. I'm not condoning it. I'm explaining it. So, that's what you got to realize. You could say what you want to say to a man when it's cool, calm, and collected, in the right timing, when you're not in person. I'm going to be honest with you. You could text it to him. And And yeah, some men, they're going to drag it. Some men going to come up say what you said on that text to my face. How you handle that? Is today you want to Is today the day you want to end your life and go to prison for the rest of your life because you're talking like you want to kill me, like you want to hurt me. I'm not your op. I'm not your enemy. I'm not the man that raped you as a child. Like, you're talking like you want to kill me, like you finna do something to me. When really it's the man in the mirror you need to be fighting. You fighting demons. You in spiritual warfare and you taking it out on me like I'm your punching bag. And that's punk behavior. So, when you say it like that right there, man, let me tell you what. His balls finna shoot up to right behind his penis. His balls finna be to his belly button. He ain't never heard no realness like that. But but when you taking you screaming you yell that, now you incite violence. When you talk to his heart, when you speak to him directly like that right there, oh. Man, he he he don't he don't know how to deal with that. He like, what? That little thing that little thing get so hot in here and messed up the adhesive on that thing. He he get so he get so that thing hit him so hard he like, what in the world did she say to me? And he's going to try to deflect. He might yell. He might scream. He might curse. Walk away. He go to grab your shoulder, go to grab your arm, snatch it away, say, "You touch me again, I'm calling 911. And you about to do something that you going to have to live with for the rest of your life. See, you got to practice in the mirror like Liam Neeson. Like you got to learn the words that you need to say when you dealing with a volatile man. And this doesn't mean you stay with that man. This don't mean you stay with him, now. Don't get me wrong. But even if you on your way out the door, speak truth to power. Because it's you who get him in order. Like, when my wife decided that she not finna just let me articulate and just say whatever I want to say, and it might be something that is not fair or true or one-sided and she started holding me accountable and speaking her mind and speaking truth to power, that's what changed me. Give me one second. That right there taught me how to be a man. Right there. Like that's what changed me. Because as men, when we get beside ourselves and we want to use you as a verbal punching bag and we want to get our little rocks off and get our little anger out and get our little trauma out and we want to belittle you and talk down to you and then you just curl up in a fetal position and boohoo cry we just pile on top of you. We pile on top of you and make it worse. The goal of being a wife is not being afraid of a man. Being submissive don't mean that you're a lapdog. Don't mean you're a floor mat. It means that you submit to humble leadership and guidance. You don't submit to abuse. Any form of abuse. That's not submission, that's that's stupidity. That's not submission, that's weakness. You got to understand the difference. Like you ain't submitting to a man who hasn't submitted to God. And we go through things, especially I'mma tell you the worst time you ever Hey, y'all got to forgive me. I done snatched the thing out of the thing. I'mma tell you the worst time you ever going see a man. And that's when his finances down. When he lose his job I I got a guy who just wrote me not long ago, went through a divorce. And is a To me, I coached him, you know, again, for some reason, I don't know why computer guys hire me, but I coached him. And when I tell you, he seemed like a amazing guy. Seemed like a super nice guy. He didn't even hire me for relationship coaching. He hired me for for like business coaching. The thing was, he was too focused on his business. Everything was about business. And when he lost his job or wasn't making money, he became even more locked in and maniacal about making it in business. And that cost him his marriage because he became too distant, maybe emotionally abusive, could have been even verbally abusive. No telling what what she thought it was, or could have just been being aloof and absent-minded and not being present. Whatever it is, he lost his marriage. And and to be honest with you, he is like what I would call a computer nerd. And I don't say that in a derogatory way, but it's like that's the type of man that you would think is a safe guy. You would think a guy who just sit on the computer and just code all day would be the best type of husband. He don't go nowhere. He don't go to guys nights. He don't go to the club. You know, he not He You could You could trace his every step. You know where he at. You know what he doing. He's always right there in front of you working. Trying to make it. Trying to create something that's going to be worth millions or billions. And it didn't happen for him. And his wife divorced him. And but the thing is, it's like I don't know her side of it. Like, was she being abused verbally, emotionally, physically? If that's the case, then yeah, absolutely she should have left. If she left just because he was obsessed with work and he was trying to make it, trying to make a living for his family, that's not worth leaving. Like, you want that over anything else? It's like, yeah, you might not get to talk to him, you might not get listened to, but you grown. You not a child. You don't need somebody to listen to you. You need somebody to be there that's going to protect and provide. And if you really, really, really truly need something, then yeah. You know, he going to be there. Like, if you really make it known and make it clear, he's going to be there. And it's not me making excuses for the guy, this is me helping women understand the same way men have to understand. If a woman is ripping and running and she working all day, and she created for a soft life, she created to be a stay-at-home mom, but she got to go out and she got to work 8 hours, 10 hours, 12 hours, she's not going to feel like coming home and cooking. She's not going to feel like cooking and doing the dishes. She's not going to feel like cooking, cleaning, and having sex. If she had to work all day. My wife don't feel like it a lot of days, and she don't work a job. You know, so it's like, if I'm watching a woman who cleaned the house, you know, but that's like a job. Because of you got to realize too, like, when you're a stay-at-home mom, and you got a decent-sized house, you know, five, six rooms in the house, you know, and not even including this gym that I'm in, but it's like, we got a media room, which was used to be like a little apartment. Now it's a media room for our boys. And we got both of our sons' rooms. Then we got another room that's that was a was my home office. Then we got my room, and then we got the gym, which could be an apartment if it wanted to, or another bedroom, just upstairs outside. Got AC and everything in here, so it's like it could be another bedroom. That's six rooms. That's essentially a six-bedroom house. So, we we list it as five, but that's a six-bedroom house. And then you got media room bathroom, got the pool outside bathroom. You got my son my son's bathroom that they share. And you got my office bathroom. And then you got me and my wife bathroom. So, that's six bed room, five bath five bathrooms. Six bed, five bath. You got you clean that whole house. Then you cooking breakfast for three men. You making lunch for three men. You making dinner for three men. You You driving a minimum of two hours a day. Some days you driving three hours, four hours a day doing practice runs. You getting up 4:30 in the morning during the school year. And then your kids don't go to