Video summary
The speaker shares the story of surviving a severe medical crisis involving a vertebral artery dissection, which resulted in a stroke affecting the back of their brain. Although they initially hesitated to make this video due to fears of appearing ungrateful or exploiting a near-death experience for attention, they ultimately decided that sharing their journey was necessary. The incident involved a terrifying recurrence of symptoms where the speaker lost control of their body and speech at midnight in early May 2024, leading them through an intense moment of solitude before paramedics arrived. Fortunately, medical tests revealed it was actually a hemiplegic migraine masquerading as another stroke, but the experience left them with holes in their brain that continue to affect their daily functioning and ability to work or communicate effectively today.
This life-threatening event triggered a profound psychological shift, revealing an unexpected desire simply to be alive after over a decade of struggling with suicidal thoughts and emotional numbness. The speaker realized that while death is inevitable for everyone regardless of how much time remains, the realization brought a newfound freedom to embrace both joy and hardship without fear or hesitation. This perspective change allowed them to engage in activities they previously avoided due to sensory triggers from their stroke deficits, such as attending live music concerts in Denver. By exposing themselves to loud noises and flashing lights through exposure therapy, they successfully stimulated new neural connections, finding moments of incredible beauty and connection with friends amidst the crowd that were once impossible for them to experience.
The speaker also describes a significant evolution in how they handle their emotions and self-perception, moving from suppressing feelings like grief, anger, and rage to fully accepting them as valid parts of life. While acknowledging that cognitive difficulties persist—such as struggling to form words during conversations or feeling mentally behind when interacting with intelligent people—they have learned to be less tolerant of situations that do not serve their well-being. The internal mantra they once used to dismiss everything has shifted in tone; while the phrase "none of this matters" remains, it now carries a liberating weight rather than one of despair, empowering them to build a life on their own terms without worrying excessively about others' opinions or trying to constantly hold themselves together under pressure.
Despite the ongoing physical and mental challenges that make returning to work difficult and often tearful, the speaker expresses deep gratitude for the support received from their online community throughout this healing journey. They reflect with love and compassion on older videos they have watched in the past, seeing a version of themselves who was struggling through darkness rather than judging them for it. The video concludes by acknowledging that while life remains difficult and unpredictable, there is still immense joy, freedom, and resilience to be found within the struggle itself. As their condition fluctuates with symptoms like visual waviness and speech difficulties setting in during filming, they promise to continue creating content as long as possible, driven by a genuine appreciation for the viewers who chose to spend time with them despite having many other options available.
Read the full video transcript
well hello there my lovely beautiful
internet friends welcome back to my
channel real quick before we get started
this video is actually restricted to
only attractive sexy people who are
trying their best so if you're seeing
this you made it in good
job was that necessary but I want the
pillow on the couch it has been a minute
since I actually filmed a YouTube video
because late January of 2024 I Was
preparing for a jiujitsu tournament had
a freak accident had a vertebral Artery
Dissection doesn't that sound fancy and
I had a stroke to the back of my brain
made a couple videos about it if you're
interested but I wanted to share what
life has looked like since that occurred
because there have been some very
unexpected
changes and I've hesitated to make this
video because I don't want to be one of
those people who is like I had a
near-death experience and now I have a
rejuvenated sense of life but oh god um
I am one of those people I think I'm
going to title this video having a
stroke fixed my brain and understand
that that is a little bit of an
exaggeration but though I have holes in
my brain and my body is not doing the
best something really shifted in me in a
very beneficial way I do want to clarify
I'm not sitting here like I'm glad this
stroke happened my personal theory of
life is to not give power to things that
don't deserve it so often we hear people
being like I'm so glad X terrible thing
occurred because it made me into the
person I am today my opinion on that
this might be semantics is that we're
not really giving ourselves enough
credit when we say that bad things
happen and then we get to make choices
with what we want to do in the aftermath
and this situation certainly presented
me with some opport opportunities to
look at life differently and I have and
it's been really cool do you have to
chew on that right there guys I'm sorry
this is the time I have to film a video
today so we're just going to have to
deal with the crunching when I reference
almost dying I don't actually mean the
day that I had the stroke or the week
and a half in the ICU hospital after I
mean specifically a day in early May
when at about midnight I started losing
control of my body again in the same way
that occurred when I had the stroke in
incredible dizziness inability to use my
hands speech wasn't working my tongue
felt super weird and it started
happening really fast and the injury
that caused the kind of stroke that I
had I knew there is a risk of another
stroke occurring which is pretty
terrifying to me it very much felt
exactly like it was happening again I
had enough presence of mind to call 911
and that was about it by the time
paramedics got here I couldn't really
speak getting to the hospital I lost the
ability to like move half of my body and
a little bit more pretty much
immediately after doing a CT they put me
on this crazy blood thinner that you
can't sit up out of bed un supervised
because it makes your blood so thin and
so I was hospitalized turns out it was a
hemiplegic migraine which kind of
masquerades as a stroke very lame of it
I might say but there was one particular
moment where I remember I was being
wheeled into the CT scan couldn't
control my body couldn't really form
words and I felt myself fading away I
very much had an extended moment of
being completely alone in my own head
and thinking okay this is it I do think
another stroke is happening I was told
if that occurred I probably wouldn't
make it and even if I don't die like
this is it I'm just going to see h
hospital rooms the rest of my life and
I'm curious if anybody else who has had
oh my God I'm actually dying like that
kind of a moment but it felt so very
boring and quiet I kind of always
thought in my head there'd be like a
life flashing before my eyes moment or
like major regrets or realizations and
it was just sort of like quiet boring
acceptance and a lot of sadness for the
people I would leave behind also side
notee I saw my dogs like the ones who
have passed away I saw them like way for
me our brains do crazy things right but
I wasn't dying and I made it and since
that moment there has been such a
massive perspective shift in my life the
biggest thing that came out of that for
me that has unfolded over the course of
months is that I actually want to be
alive I think that sentence is a pretty
common thing for most people to say
survival Instinct it's pretty ingrained
in US humans but the age of 20 onward I
certainly was alive and lived life but
really didn't want to be a part of it I
spent every day that's really not an
exaggeration for over a decade mostly
trying to distract myself from wanting
to not be here anymore wanting to
distract myself from self-harmful
thoughts or suicidal thoughts and that
like that was life to me life to me was
like survival was trying to like get
past the darkness enough to function and
I had good days and bad days good years
bad years but in the extent of my adult
experience that has always been an
underlying consistent for me I'm not
sure if it was like the almost dying
thing or years of therapy that led up to
it or maybe maybe all of the above I'm
talking about emotional things Sophie
how dare you search for Leo's
toy she found it like pretty immediately
there was this shift in my brain that
occurred I think part of it was being
like Oh I am going to die right like
that is a guarantee it didn't happen
that day but it will occur and I don't
know if I have 24 hours left or 24 years
none of us do right but it became
tangible to me damn there's a lot of
freedom in that realization part of it
was like yeah you'll get your wish
eventually like in that that dark frame
of mind where I really don't want to be
here like that's going to occur anyways
but in the meantime I get to do whatever
I want with the time that I have and the
idea of like embracing Joy when it's
there and also embracing the really
shitty things in life because they are a
reality too I've suddenly been able to
do I've gotten very involved in going to
see live music I've never been a music
person I'm not a musician I like music
music right I made a short video about
this but a lot of the triggers for a lot
of the stroke deficits are lights sounds
flashing lights people loud environments
all of that so I started going to
concerts locally here in Denver there's
like concerts constantly many of them
are super cheap some of them are free I
did this as a way to to kind of exposure
therapy my brain to deal with the
symptoms to hopefully overload it enough
that it would start creating new Neal
connections and heel and it's actually
worked and I've had so many moments of
of like standing there in the crowd with
new friends or old friends or just by
myself and basking in how incredible it
is to be alive I wish I was better with
words so I could accurately convey what
a difference in perspective this has
been for me I don't even remember
feeling like happy or joyful to be here
when I was a kid people will talk about
like think back to when you were little
and the joy and like what you wanted to
be and I don't have those memories I
didn't have like a super dark horrible
child childhood or anything like that
but there was always a heaviness that
has followed me as long as I can
remember and that got worse as I
experienced actual trauma and mental
illness and things like that and life
has not gotten easier in fact it has
gotten more challenging but I am okay
and even when I am like desperately not
okay I'm still okay so many of the
mental restrictions that held me back
from both enjoying pieces of life and
fully embracing that moment and also
maybe more importantly in really feeling
the depths of grief and anger and rage
and sadness I'm like okay bring it on
not trying to hold everything at Bay all
of the time not trying to like button
myself up and hold myself together and
do the right thing and follow all the
shoulds in my brain like they've just to
a large extent dissolve I feel so much
more comfortable with myself and I
always used to have this line on repeat
in my brain that went something like
none of this matters none of this
[ __ ] matters and I still have that
same line on repeat in my brain except
the tone has changed and now it's none
of this matters like none of this
[ __ ] matters incredible that means I
get to make it whatever I want it to be
and love the people around me and build
a life that I want to be a part of and
not care that much about what other
people might think or say or what I
might think or say like to actually
invest in myself and I am fully aware of
the fact that I am 9 months out for the
stroke and like 6 months out from this
realization and I'm probably still
riding a high of being able to do life
I'm not going to lie it is still
incredibly difficult especially trying
to return to work I feel very dumb a lot
of the time because my brain does not
work the way that it did before it's
like I'll know what I want to say but I
can't form words or I get completely
lost in conversation or I'm conversing
with very smart intelligent successful
people and I feel so behind there have
been a lot of tears and a lot of sobbing
or yelling in my car by the way huge
recommend scream it out in your car
where no one can hear you chef's kiss
great it's also made me a lot less
tolerant of things that I don't want to
deal with or treatment that I don't
believe that I deserve I now say that
because I'm like damn dude we're all
going to disappear we're all going to
fade into history and memory within a
handful of a dozen years so why would I
stay in situations that I know are
damaging or not good for me I'm not
interested in doing that anymore I mean
this really just feels like a very
self-indulgent video where I'm like ah
my perspective has changed but
specifically if you have been a part of
this community for any length of time I
was watching back old videos last night
when I couldn't sleep sleep that I had
made years ago and I can watch them and
remember what I felt like in those
moments and the heaviness and the
depression and the Darkness and the
hopelessness and the Hope right and that
I'm going to keep going the the trying
to be resilient doing my best and I now
look back on those versions of myself
with love and compassion instead of
judgment and it felt important to me to
share this piece of my mental Journey
because there are those of you who have
been so incredibly kind to care to
listen over the years and I have shared
when I am desperately not okay and I
wanted to also share when I really am
like I said things are pretty
challenging a lot of things are in flux
I deal with a lot of physical stuff that
is very difficult and I am still trying
to figure out how the hell to do that
haven't figured it out probably never
will we're all doing our best The
Struggle Bus beep beep is real but so is
like so much joy love and a lot of
freedom and with that I'm about to leave
you cuz I can feel my brain stuff
starting to act up because now
everything gets kind of wavy and I can't
really see straight and that's like a
good indication that my words are going
to stop working pretty soon so I'm going
to lay down but I would like to make
weekly videos until the end of the year
as my body allows and I have some ideas
but if there's anything you guys would
like to see or hear about in particular
let me know in the comments down below
because gosh darn it I'm very grateful
to this community to you guys there is
anything you would like to see or hear
me share I would love to do that you
have done so much for me truly the
amount of support that I received from
this community in this healing Journey
could not have done it without without
you continually thank you from the
bottom of my heart let me see if I can
remember the outro that I've used for
like 6 Years to you watching this video
right now thank you so much for spending
a few minutes out of your day here with
me and the loud puppies today you could
be anywhere else in the world doing
anything else but you chose to hang out
with us for a few minutes and I really
appreciate that I love you guys I'm
thinking about you and I will see you in
the next video bye guys thank you for
listening