Spa Weekend Movie Review - I'm Dead Inside

From the dynamic duo that brought us those Bad Moms movies, of course it's from them, comes their next foray into cinematic perfection. I'm of course talking about Spa Weekend, baby. Oh, yes, it's late as night and I'm feeling right. Listen, nothing gets me wetter than mimosas in September, but we don't even have to wait that long because right [ __ ] now you can have a spa weekend with the gals in your local theater that it went to for some reason and didn't [ __ ] out on Netflix like it should have. Anna Faris, Isla Fisher, Leslie Mann, Michelle Buteau, the whole gang's here and they're dressed for success, friends. And by dressed, I mean nothing but a robe and slippies because it's their time to shine under the sun, at the pool, at the spa for the weekend. It's a spa weekend. Let's talk about it. >> [music] >> I'm coming out. Just want the world to know. >> [laughter] >> When it was announced there was a film coming out that looked to be the spiritual successor to Bride Hard from last year, I was giddy as a [ __ ] clam because Bride Hard sucked and I knew 1,000% this was going to be another train wreck that would be fun to talk about. And you know what? I was wrong. It turns out Spa Weekend was a great time. Joke, you know, it's terrible. Here's the deal, yo-yo. We have four super best friends that have known each other since they were young. You have Jane played by Leslie Mann, a 54-year-old mother who has two young kids somehow and works a full-time job without a man or a wife by her side. How does she do it? Unclear. How did she have such young kids at that age? Also unclear. Were they adopted? Was there a surrogate mother? Was there a man in the picture at one point? A sperm donor? Does she really think she's pulling this age off? All these questions and more will not be answered in the film. We then have Anna Faris. She's a timid little mouse. I don't want to yell at people. And she gets walked all over by her douchebag boss who doesn't even know how to open his own garage door without help. Men suck. We of course can't have a fun ladies foursome without the token black woman. So we have Coco, baby. She's played by Michelle Buteau and her deal is she's got anger issues and she's divorced, but the husband very much still wants her back. But she needs to overcome her jealousy, her anger, and just kind of change her entire personality to get back with this guy. Good luck. Last and definitely least is Isla Fisher's character Mel. I love Isla Fisher. I love me some fish. But this character sucks to high hell. She's the wild card of the pack and oh my golly gee willikers, Batman, does she put the wild in wild card? Ladies, Mel's in the house and my snatch is purring. >> [laughter] [groaning] >> IT'S HUNGRY FOR SOME man meat. She doesn't say that, but she says a lot of stuff about penises. There's a point in the film where she says, and I quote, she wants to get fingered by his penis. Subscribe? No one laughed at that line of dialogue in my theater. Shocking, I know. But to be fair, there were only like five people in there. Two groups of ladies and myself. So five ladies. About 20 minutes into the film, I looked over and got distracted by the lights running up the side of the staircase in the theater and I started counting them. And then I was like wandering endlessly all over my brain thinking like, what the [ __ ] am I doing at Spa Weekend? Does anybody care if I review this? Do I need to see this movie to even put out a review? It has terrible bottom of the barrel jokes, awful lines of dialogue, the humor virtually never lands. It's all old crappy tropes and stupid scenarios we've seen time and time again. Hijacking a golf cart and CRASHING IT? HOW REFRESHING! AT one point Mel drops her bag, it spills open and a whole bunch of dildos litter the floor. Laugh! WHY DO YOU HAVE SO many of these? Mel starts to gather them up. Oh, this is just my travel collection. Would you like to BORROW ONE? LAUGH! >> [screaming] >> THE OWNER OF THE SPA IS A LOVELY OLDER blonde woman who I honestly could not recognize for anything, but she must be someone of significance, at least in the spa weekend community, because the movie really glazes her up for a bit. The the music's like when the camera pushes in on her and the hair is flowing and blowing in slow motion and the ladies are all captivated by her. And I don't know who the hell this actress is and I looked on IMDb and I didn't see her name listed in the top like 20 actors on it, so [ __ ] it. Who cares? But she is the owner of the spa and it honestly boggles my mind how she allows these ladies to get up to their high jinks without kicking them out tout suite. The moment Mel opens her mouth, "Penises! Blah blah blah. Vaginas!" I would have said, "Get the [ __ ] out of here. This is a spa. This is a silent retreat area that you're in right now and you're being rude." Then she knocks over and breaks all the little crystal rocks that are on the shelves and what? She gets a slap on the wrist? Nah. Not even a slap. They just She just has to leave the little session. Leslie Mann's character Jane is the central protag here, uh short for protagonist. She really needs to get away. She puts herself first. I think a lot of us ladies can relate. I know I certainly can. With two kids, a wife, two full-time jobs, basically. Just trying to have it all, you know? >> [gasps] >> But where's the time for me? Where's the time for me? >> And so Coco says, "Fuck it, we're dying anyways. Ladies, leave your man at home. We're going to the spa weekend na na na na na na." And all the fellas, if you're going with your friends, cuz it's 11:30 and the club is jumping, jumping. Uh. They head to this beautiful spa resort. They have this massive, insane-looking room that one of them flippantly says, "Wow, there's no way we can afford this." At which Coco replies, "Yeah, thankfully I got a heavy discount from the job that I have that no one knows what that is." And then they just sweep all the expenses under the rug. This is something we can all relate to. Ladies getting a spa weekend at this lavish resort. They do everything on the package. It's all-inclusive, basically. But let's get down to business. Where are the jokes? Well, there's a scene where they uh they do yoga with goats. And Isla Fisher's character, Mel, the the wildcard, she starts to pretend like she's banging the And she gets behind one of the goats. It's like, "LOOK WHAT I'M DOING." And the yoga instructor is like, "Yeah, this is fine. I don't need to kick her out." And then the goats go nuts. They start running amok. They're knocking over champagne glasses. They're ripping up the furniture. IT'S ABSOLUTE BEDLAM. MEL'S the friend that everyone has but secretly hates. I know in my friend group, I have that, too. Or I did when I was in college. And then we got rid of that dude because he sucked. I don't know who relates to this at 40 or 50 years of age, but apparently this is something that needs to be heard. Everyone's got one of these turd friends. And you keep them around because they spice things up and they keep things interesting. And that's exactly what Mel does. She gets one of her friends fired from her job. She tells Coco's divorcee that Coco's going to kill herself if he doesn't get down here. And she has the ovaries to tell the young buck yoga instructor that Leslie Mann has a thing for him and she's willing to do butt stuff. At which point Anna Faris' character Sophie asks, "What's butt stuff?" To which Coco retorts, "It's exactly what IT SOUNDS LIKE." LAUGH. NOW, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT IF I was fired from my job thanks to my piece of [ __ ] friend, and if she did all these other things to other people in the friend group, probably would kick her to the curb and not think twice about it. But, this is a spa weekend. What happens at the spa stays at the spa sort of a thing. So, naturally they'll forgive her very quickly, and you know, we're off to the races again. Shenanigans, highjinks, things happen. None of it really has any rhyme or reason to it, but you know WHAT, IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER because this whole entire thing is really just an excuse for the crew, the actors, everyone involved to go to some nice island resort and just have a great old time. We're making a movie. >> [laughter] >> Swipe out. Now, I'm not about to shame Leslie Mann. She's a very lovely looking woman. Uh not a wrinkle on her face. They they tighten that [ __ ] up. I wish I could do something similar, but you know, I'm aging ungracefully. That said, the yoga instructor guy looks to be in his 30s and he makes googly eyes at her seeing them drive by in a golf cart. And so, that's going to be the love interest of the film. This is a fun little reverse trope that Hollywood's been doing over the years as sort of an apology to or like, "Hey, sorry that we constantly paired 20-somethings with 40-somethings action stars. Now we're going to do the opposite. Now we're going to give the cougars their desserts. So, we're going to pair the 50-year-olds with the 30-year-olds as some sort of Uno reverse card. How about we just don't do either because it looks weird either way. And it's also not the most believable when you see the good-looking yoga dude giving a lesson to all the hot yoga chicks around him, but he's making googly eyes with the, you know, middle-aged woman going by in a golf cart with her psycho friends. All of this said, if you're looking for a film that doesn't challenge you in the slightest, it's just one of those kind of easy, breezy, beautiful CoverGirl films that you know exactly what you're going to get out of it, little heartfelt friendship of sorts, a colorful, feel-goodery affair that really does nothing to break any sort of mold at all, which isn't entirely I mean, that's fine. You don't have to be a unique concept or even have anything interesting to say as far as messaging goes, you're going to be right at home with Spa Weekend. That said, I didn't find this funny in the slightest. There was some mild enjoyment here and there from some of the shenanigans, but overall, I found Isla Fisher's character to be incredibly obnoxious. I found Anna Faris's character to be a pathetic and stupid, and honestly, I don't know what work she's had done to herself, but she's constantly squinting and unable to really make readable expressions. Leslie Mann has nothing on her face, so anytime she's expressing sad or joy or whatever, it's always just kind of this the whole time, and I don't really I don't know if she's crying or if she's she's sad or she's happy or mad. It's all the same emotion. It's honestly distracting, and it's taking away from some of the humor that maybe could have been unearthed when you give a genuine reaction with some real facial muscles moving. Otherwise, when we make the transition to replacing all these people with AI, it's going to be an easier proposition because the real actresses are already starting to look AI themselves. Rant aside, that's Spa Weekend. Take your mom out and watch as she goes, "Oh!" every time they say the word penis. She's in for a wild night. The movie's rated R for adult language and some salty situations. No nudity, no penetrash, nothing really scandalous, penetrash over penetration. Yeah, I know. It's um it's about as basic by the numbers and and and stupid as it could possibly be. Let me know if you saw it. I imagine no one really did. Leave a comment below. Please think of liking the show, subscribing if you haven't to Adam Does Movies. I post lots of movie reviews covering pretty much every type of film genre under the sun. Would love to have you stick around. But until that time, you know what? I work hard. I should be able to play hard, too. I think it's time for me to suit up into something more comfortable, get the boys together, and we'll go on our own little spavacation. I'm coming out. Just want the WORLD TO KNOW. >> [screaming] >> THANKS AGAIN FOR WATCHING THE VIDEO. IF YOU didn't know, I'm a one-man operation here at Adam Does Movies. I also have a full-time job. I got a family to take care of. And I would absolutely love if you supported me on like these beautiful people did here. These are the silver and gold members. 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