Video summary
The video uses the metaphor of a snake plant to illustrate how men often misunderstand emotional expression, comparing their resilience to that of hardy plants from West Africa which thrive on neglect rather than frequent watering. The speaker argues that just as overwatering kills a snake plant by causing root rot, expecting men to display emotions in the same overt and immediate way women do can be emotionally damaging to them. Men are described not as lacking feelings, but as requiring a different approach where they must prioritize their mission or purpose alongside their internal state, much like how these plants need specific conditions that differ from those of other flora.
The discussion extends to how society raises boys, suggesting that young males benefit more from experiencing adversity and controlled chaos through activities like sports or martial arts rather than seeking immediate catharsis for every feeling. The speaker posits that in less privileged environments where survival is key, men are naturally conditioned to be tough and resilient because they cannot afford to prioritize their feelings over the task at hand. Conversely, modern Western upbringing often encourages boys to suppress these necessary traits by prioritizing emotional processing above all else, which can lead to a lack of structure and order that young males inherently need to develop strength and stability.
A significant point raised is the paradoxical outcome where single mothers or female-dominated households may inadvertently create emotionally disregulated sons because they impose an emotional blueprint designed for girls onto boys who biologically require different developmental paths. The speaker emphasizes that true masculinity should not be about suppressing emotions entirely but rather knowing how to compartmentalize them, allowing a man to feel deeply while simultaneously fulfilling his duties as a leader or provider. This ability to do and feel at the same time is presented as an optimization of human potential, contrasting with the current trend where boys are encouraged to become more like girls by stopping their tears during action-oriented moments.
Ultimately, the video concludes that bridging this gap requires both men and women to consider each other's perspectives rather than holding one gender to a standard they cannot reach without harm. The speaker urges listeners to understand that while deep conversations and shared silence are valid forms of connection for men, expecting them to conform to female norms of emotional expression is akin to drowning the snake plant in water it does not need. By respecting these natural differences and providing boys with order, structure, and opportunities to face adversity rather than just processing feelings, society can help raise resilient individuals who are capable of managing their emotions without losing their capacity for action or leadership.
Read the full video transcript
Listen up. [music]
Carbell about to say some words.
>> Okay. You know what? Don't none of you
look at them tears and think that is
funny because it takes a big man to cry
in front of his crew.
>> I want I want to push back on one thing
that you said. You said that men are not
in touch with our emotions and I hear
that a lot. I hear that a whole lot.
>> I think I think
>> I think what happens though, so I I got
a snake plant recently, right? And I
used to have a snake plant like two
years ago, but I killed it and I didn't
know why I killed it. So I did a little
bit of research and come to find out
snake plants are from West Africa. So
where they grow naturally, the climate
isn't conducive to like frequent raining
and frequent watering. So like they're
one of the plants that are the most
resilient. They don't need as much
sunlight. Like my snake plant sitting
over there, the windows over here. And
the biggest thing that people do to kill
it, which is what I did, is we watered
it too often. Snake plants need to be
watered like once a month, right? And
there's a specific way you have to do it
so it doesn't drain out. I mean, so it
doesn't cause root rot. So, I say all
that to say the snake plant is still a
plant. Men are still humans. We just
require a different way of approaching
us emotionally. Our emotional expression
is different than women's emotional
expression. And I think often times
because women's emotional expression is
more overt and is more obvious, if it
doesn't look like that, it's not
emotional expression for men. Like I've
had I've had deep conversations with
men, but I've also had deep moments
where we're not saying nothing. We're
playing ball. We're playing video games.
But I think if if you if you expect the
standard to be therapy or kumbaya or
girl chat, yes, it does look like men
are emotionless. But I think the I think
the challenge is until we are willing as
as women to consider the world from a
male point of view and as men to
consider the world from a female point
of view, a lot of what each other does
naturally, a lot of what each other
needs naturally like my snake plant is
is going to get misconcred. And and
often I think what happens is it it gets
it gets done improperly, right? So, I
think a lot of women who demand men to
be emotional the same way their
girlfriend would be, I think it's it
kills men like the snake plant, like the
overwatering of the snake plant, cuz
we're not built for that, right? So that
that's why I think these conversations
are so important because the more as a
woman you get to understand the
intricacies of a man, the more you can
cater your approach to what's going to
pour into him in the way that it needs
to pour into him as opposed to holding
up to a standard he can't reach.
>> So how does that look like? How do you
emotionally regulate? Imagine if we
taught this early to
young boys how to emotionally regulate.
Like how would you teach them that?
>> Well, I think the best thing for young
boys is to experience adversity.
Young boys don't need catharsis. They
need adversity. Young boys need
controlled chaos, right? Young boys need
to be in sports, in martial arts. They
need to be calloused lovingly for what
the world is, right? Because I think one
of the privileges of being in the west
cuz I'm I'm Nigerian. I wasn't born
here. One of the privileges of being
[laughter]
said I am not your why.
>> No, no, no. That's that's not what I
mean by that. It's definitely not what I
mean by that. I'm saying I'm saying that
to say that [snorts] I haven't always
experienced the privilege of living in
the west. Right. So like in in less
privileged environments, the the
differences between men and women, as an
example, natural differences between
people, it's more obvious. In a world
that's more comfortable, more conducive,
you know, everything's kind of taken
care of. You don't really have to think
about those differences. But the reality
of nature and every single species is
that men and boys and males have to be
tough. They have to be resilient. They
have to be unafraid, right? And in order
to instill that in boys and men to run
into battle, to march into coal mines,
to climb up on skyscrapers during the
the building phase, to be in the
military and everything that boys and
men have to do to build and maintain the
world as it is. Um, you cannot
prioritize your feelings. You cannot
prioritize what you have to say. you you
cannot prioritize how something makes
you feel. You have to prioritize the
mission.
>> You have to prioritize your purpose.
>> And it's it's one of those like
unfortunate but like necessary realities
for boys and men. So I would actually
say what's happening currently is boys
are being encouraged to be more like
girls even though like biologically
they're not.
>> What do you mean by that? like
[laughter] how are they being encouraged
to be more like girls? Because because
they say like I know it's like a whole
myth or around like boys don't cry. I'm
just like what what do you mean
everybody cries? Like why aren't you
allowed to cry? Like that's
>> one of the one of the clips that I'm
going to show you is is actually of a
man crying. Like I I I I believe boys
should cry. I I don't believe boys
should stop to cry. Does that make
sense? I I believe you should cry while
you're doing what you're doing. I think
the the catharsis and the like pause
that women require to process their
feelings. I think part of being a man is
being able to do both simultaneously
because you have the duty of being the
head if you're, you know, in a family or
if you're running a company or if you're
the head of anything. And this is true
for women too. You have to be able to do
and feel simultaneously.
So masculinity, I think, should be
optimized for people who can do and
feel, not people who suppress their
emotions, but people who know how to
compartmentalize them. And and I think
part of the evidence that we're moving
in the opposite direction is the fact
that if if you look at if you look at
like prison prison populations, I think
they said 90% of men in prison were
raised by women. So paradoxically, you
would assume that if women have all the
authority in laying the foundation, the
emotional foundation of who a boy is
going to be, they would create more
emotionally regulated boys. The
unfortunate reality is women actually
create emotionally disregulated boys
because you're putting you're you're
superimposing a blueprint on him that
doesn't work. And single single men have
similar outcomes as two parent
households because what boys need is
order and structure, not katharsis. My
daughter needs katharsis. When I have a
son, he's going to need something
different at different levels.
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